Thursday, 31 December 2020

Farewell, 2020: Reflections on my year...

Goodbye, 2020!  To be fair, this year was actually quite positive for me - other than the hospitalization in January and the assault in October, I came into a bit of a nest egg, and got lots of healing done.  Also, the last comic was finally released, I have learned far greater patience with downtime, and am feeling less lonely about being alone.  I am a bit of a sicko because I kind of like the pandemic world in a way - not in how it has harmed, but in how it's shaping the world into a place where we can't quite go back to what we were doing, which wasn't working either... this is bound to usher in eventual change, hopefully for the better.  I remain optimistic, even when numbers rise.

Tonight, our rosary coven is having a mini Zoom party to send off this crazy year - I'm sure that's going to be the standard, a NYE Zoom party, at least for those who play it safe.  I wonder how much better 2021 could be... one premonition I had is that 2020 might be seen as the "dress rehearsal for 2021", so watch out!  Not sure how accurate that is.  I was wrong about the presidential election... I thought Trump would win.  Phew.  (Premonitions of mine are more accurate if they just come to me - when I call for them, they can often provide nonsense.  I have to continually refine, of course.)

I have decided to open up the comments option on here, at least for a while.  My concern has been about fundamentalists wanting to criticize me because of my alternative spirituality, I also find that the internet is growing increasingly hateful and strange, so I wanted to avoid any unwanted vitriol, if it was coming.  But now I'm curious.  This site doesn't get a lot of traffic most of the time, but let's see what the sinners have to say, if they care to.

Happy New Year, sinners!  May you find great peace in these End Times!

ABBA - "Happy New Year"


Monday, 28 December 2020

Character dignity in "Asylum Squad"...

I thought to do another article about choices I made for "Asylum Squad".  This one is about how I wanted to go about treating my characters with dignity - something I felt was important for a large contingent of my audience, which was the psychiatric and consumer survivors crowd.  Here are some of the things I did to maintain that:

Back in "The Psychosis Diaries", there is a rape scene, which is based on a real life event.  Rapes are hard to get right without being exploitative - they are often used as a trope for shock value in fiction.  I didn't want this scene to be for shock, but rather, as something that would throw conflict into the character's life, in how it was falling apart, and also to discuss something that actually happened (although certain details were changed).  The only way to tastefully pull this off, I felt, was to make sure that it was implied, but not shown in any overt way.  I am not sure how my comic would rate as far as what age it is appropriate for, but if I were going to suggest a target crowd, I would recommend the fresh outta high school young adult crowd, because there is some adult stuff in there, even though it's not exactly erotic.  I think enough teens in high school would be fine reading it, I'm just not sure what their parents would think if they did.

In a similar vein, when characters were restrained in the hospital in the main plot, some degree of censorship was involved, at least when Sarah gets it.  Because she is vulnerable at the time, I felt it important to incorporate a sense of helplessness at the hands of the orderlies, from her perspective, while not showing what was happening to her.  This gives the character dignity, but it also made it a frightening scene.  

When Cath gets restrained, it's a bit more provocative, but only because she is teasing the orderlies, and in a way this was a fan service scene designed to tease anyone who reads the comics simply for the asylum bondage overtones (tsk tsk tsk).  Because I didn't want to carry it through too far, I decided she should go on to puke all over herself because of the combo of meds and alcohol, destroying the kinky tension, making it more of a humorous scene, in the end, than anything else.  (As mentioned before, the aesthetic of the comics flirts with that kind of erotic asylum art, but it's not just to grab reader attention in general - it's also to draw a specific crowd that might otherwise fall for this sort of romantic nonsense.  Having lived this life for a year as an inmate, I can say that it's absolute horror, so when I see asylum romance done badly in fiction, it's truly eye rolling, but I also believe it can be dangerous.)

A comic that ultimately has an activist's message, a relevant thing or two to say about the soul, and that ended up getting a following in academia needed a certain quality in its tone to get away with what it does in its strange whimsy.  When Liz goes back to St. Dymphna's in "In Solidarity", it was as though it was strictly business, nothing like the sassy "Girl, Interrupted" stuff in Act 1.  I wanted it to be as though she was ultimately moving on, so her stay for that time was short lived, and just about a "tune up".  Because that's life for psychiatric survivors, often enough - we may go through the crazy oppressive crap that gets overdramatized in film here and there... but usually, it's just lectures from doctors about taking pills, and figuring out what our next move is, once we get out again.


A new mind...

I have concluded that I must indeed be healing in a major way as of late, and that several things have led to this.  One was my visitation to the Marian shrine, another was likely working with the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram, and of course regular use of CBD.  But yet another had to be when I followed bibliomancy, which directed my hand to Philemon in the New Testament, which led to me asking to become a "prisoner of Christ".  What I meant by this request is that He take full command of what happens to me.  (This is not to say, in my case, that I now ignore other gods, only that Jesus be the god that steers the direction of what comes of my life.  I see no reason why many gods can't amount to harmonious spirituality, it works in many paths.  One way of describing my practice could be Christo-Pagan with Dharmic leanings.)

Since that time, weeks ago, sleep has been better, worries less, neurological pain has lessened immensely.  I had also prayed to Metatron for a "new mind".  I had been trying to heal the old mind, and then figured that perhaps I should treat it more like a phoenix, and rise from the ashes of what the old mind became.  There is a state coming over me of ease, calm, and gentleness, one I don't think I have ever felt before.  As mentioned in a previous post, the Solstice was a power day, and I really got that a change was taking hold.  The Jupiter-Saturn conjunction represented the death of the old king, and the birth of the new king's reign, so perhaps in my case that related to the mind.  There were a lot of spirits around me on that day, it was like an otherworldly party.

I wonder if, for some minds that are too far gone not to go off antipsychotics (too far gone in the opinions of certain doctors, anyway), if the idea of growing a new mind could be considered in therapy.  I would argue that some form of spiritual practice would be needed in part to achieve such a thing, but perhaps it's a realistic answer for other, more common types of psychological pain.  Treatment would require surrendering the will to the self, for one thing, however that is done with the patient.  Jung, though not perfect, had powerful ideas, many of which have been expanded upon since his time.  I wish psychology played a bigger role in conventional treatment - the golden age of psychoanalysis, also not perfect, at least spoke of a talking cure.

Speaking of analysis, I haven't had much of that in this year.  I guess I really am getting better, because normally I see my Jungian once every 2 weeks.  Because of the pandemic, I only do phone sessions with him now and again.  It's just not the same as with in person therapy.  We tried Zoom but it was lagging too much for treatment, between our computers.  He thinks I am coping well with the world as it is when we talk.  Honestly, with my inner world being at the core of my thoughts, I don't give what's going on out there as much thought as some do, or at least as much worry.  I keep up with news I need to be aware of, I wear a face mask, I wash my hands and avoid crowds, I will get vaccinated when it's available to the masses, I do what any reasonable person should do with this situation, but I don't feel that being too involved with news media will do my mind much help, with what I am hoping to achieve.  I have gotten some art done, as I have presented on this blog, so the muse has been stirring again a bit, at least.  (God also wants me to obsess a bit less about healing and the soul - I got the message that things will now mostly play out as they need to, as they should.)


Friday, 25 December 2020

"The Elements"...

I got a second painting done on Christmas Eve, so I am posting a (crude) snapshot of it today.  This one is based on that experimental east vs. west altar I designed, which incorporates Chinese metaphysics with western metaphysics.  I went with the affiliated planetary symbols of the 5 elements of Chinese metaphysics, and added Air and Spirit, using symbols associated with those two elements, symbols often seen in practises like Wicca.  I added the Halaliel sigil too, in case I want to use this painting for scrying, as a tool of study - I use that sigil as a power symbol, putting it on certain things.

I guess the lines in the background (which were an attempt at trying an almost Eastern style cloud design) suggest anxiety, but things are vibrant here and there is order to what is in the foreground.  I made this piece, as I mentioned, for scrying, so I want to see what comes of studying it while I contemplate what I have designed.  Acrylics on canvas, with black and gold pen, aluminum tape.

Had a family Zoom this morning for Christmas - so strange not to be with the rellies elsewhere.  Not the worst time for me, though - I have felt massive relief for weeks, it might have even started since that banishing ritual.  Things have just lined up and my health feels much better.  I am more hopeful about getting off of antipsychotics in the future, I don't even feel like I have neurological damage now, so perhaps is was neurological sensitivity and anxiety that made it feel like something was truly much worse.  It's a mystery, but at least I feel quite good as of late.  I had done more prayer work with Christ too, so that's probably also paying off.  The Solstice was definitely a power day, and I felt the presence of many spirits.

Better get out of my kigurumi and figure out the rest of my day!  Merry Christmas - hope all can keep well, despite the 'rona and lockdown!


UPDATE: Touched this up this morning with some gold pen around the elements - makes it pop a bit better.  Might later post an update pic.

Thursday, 24 December 2020

"Halaliel 1"...

(It would really help if I had a decent camera, and if I knew the first thing about photography, wouldn't it?!)

Here's a painting I did last night that I am calling "Halaliel 1", which might be the beginning of a series where I allow the subconscious to take over and do at least a part of the piece.  That's again a sigil I channeled, that I had read is affiliated with mystery angel Halaliel, whom I later read was an angel of karma that Edgar Cayce channeled in one of his sessions.  Not sure how relevant the sigil truly is, but I liked the design enough to take note of it, and did this painting to incorporate it, at least as an art piece.  (I might do other Halaliel paintings, using this sigil, this one was an early experiment.)

I guess the chaos in this painting suggests a subconscious that is still in pain, but the symbols themselves are positive ones, mostly about Christ, Mary, the kundalini, and other hopeful things, so I want to say it indicates transition to wellness, not illness.  There are some dark symbols in it, objects affiliated with asylums, but I feel like they evoke leaving these things behind, rather than continuing to suffer from them.  I built up the colours in the background before letting it dry and them applying the inks with a black marker.  Acrylics on canvas, with gold and black pen applied.  (A friend says it has Keith Haring vibes, I can see that.  I also see the slightest hint of Jackson Pollock, when it comes to the colours in the background.)


Monday, 21 December 2020

Changes + Winter Solstice...

I'm not sure if it's because of it being the winter solstice, or even the Jupiter and Saturn conjunction, but today was quite a power day for me, since it felt like a shift happened in my psyche, as a more relaxed state came over me.  I cast a spell for a friend to usher greater success and prosperity into his life, and several hours later I began to feel shifts, very positive ones.  If this feeling lasts, then I know something has indeed changed.  I am very relaxed right now, calm and serene.  Nothing in the world perturbs me at this time, even though I can still empathize with the pain others feel, but not to the point where I take on the burden (something I have struggled with, as many of us do).   Some might call it privilege, I call it learning from other forms of pain I have endured, and adapting my consciousness to process suffering in a more constructive manner.

Looks like we're in for a boring winter.  Normally, Christmas is what can get people through the bleakness of how dark the winter is up north, but with COVID-19 affecting everything, many aren't celebrating beyond their households.  I would normally be out of town by now, joining my mother and stepfather, but we decided to delay a visit until numbers go down again.  The weather hasn't been terribly unpleasant, but the clamminess of the constant wearing of a face mask reminds me of wet panties wrapped around my face.  Now, just try not to remember that imagery the next time you step out for groceries with one of those things on - I bet you will think of my words, whether you like it or not.  (I was joking with friends that someone in Japan could start a relief fund by selling surgical masks in vending machines that have been worn between a woman's legs for several days - yes it's nasty, but it would sell, and we need reliable charities moreso than ever in these trying times, where many have been marginalized because of the effects of lockdowns.)

Christmas isn't really even a big deal to me.  Certainly I loved it as a kid, my folks had enough to get me some interesting toys (mostly art supplies, because that was the kind of kid I was).  But commercialism has ruined it for me as an adult, and the only thing I truly enjoy is the company of family and friends, if all goes well with the rellies.  One year, I saved up and bought my mother an authentic Inuit sculpture of a dancing bear, which caused her to burst into tears, moved that I would do so - that was also pretty special.  But I am not obsessed with getting lots of presents, nor do I have tons of money to buy a lot for others, so if people get a gift from me at all, usually it's something like a bottle of wine.  The big holiday for me, like so many other freaky kids, is Hallowe'en, and COVID-19 fucked up that one too.

We're going to have a NYE Zoom party, some friends and I.  I am enjoying the downtime of being off work again.  I feel that as long as my health stays in check, and finances are stable, I will be ok.  I am glad I got that comic book out, finally.  Hopefully those who purchased a copy have enjoyed it!  :)


Tuesday, 15 December 2020

Cute dating ad + Caversham new book restock update...

Whoever came up with this ad deserves a massive promotion - very funny!

Caversham now has 10 new copies of "In Solidarity", these without the weird marginal errors.  I signed all the copies.  (The other 5 had already sold out.)  Keep in mind this means the price will be slightly higher again, at $20 + tax.

I almost went up a notch on my meds, but realized I was just in my head too much, overthinking things.  The next day, I was fine again, less anxiety.  I guess that's how social distancing has gotten to me, because I don't mind the downtime too much.  I just miss things like going out to socialize here and there as a distraction.  Even (mostly) introverted people like myself need to get out and have some fun.  Thank God for my spirituality or I wouldn't be coping well at all.  I talked to my new MD (who has replaced my old one) and he's agreed to help me talk to someone who could make an ASD diagnosis, if there is one to be made.  I took an online test and it said I am at the high end of a moderate risk of having it.  I don't trust these tests much at all, but it's interesting it would say that, because with other tests I tried online it suggested I didn't have it at all.  If I have ASD, it's a light case of it that probably creates a difference in me, and might even mean a sensitivity that makes me more receptive to the spirit world.  Many psychics/mediums/shamans have had a touch of autism.


Friday, 11 December 2020

Flawless comics are here!

I just picked up the remainder of the run today - the rest are without awkward errors.  Caversham shall receive these books soon (probably - I have to call them first) to have in stock, the faulty copies might be back up books, I will have to see what they have to say.

Tonight I reread the whole series, cover to cover, for the first time since all volumes came to print.  I like how the story flows.  I see how rather dry, sad, and dreary "In Solidarity" is as a book, compared to former volumes, but that was rather intentional.  It's sobering, evoking the spirit of what is really going on, after the pure fantasy of the act that came before it.  It had to go in this direction for a while, I feel, to come back to Liz's harsh reality, and then some of the playfulness of the odd tone returns with the epilogue, but in a new way.  Just as "The Psychosis Diaries" was designed to bombard the reader with the experience of psychotic states through its bizarre, wordy narrative, this book captures the misery of post institutional life.  I am sure it will have its haters, but this comic is still an activist one, and I couldn't forget the spirit of Mad Pride without touching on what many survivors feel once they leave the mental hospital, if they end up in shoddy supportive housing.  "The Jung Ones" was fruity lunacy, which was suggestive that the Ajna Project itself is not to be taken seriously, while "Monster Hospital" was slightly like a John Hughes flick, with its "The Breakfast Club" overtones.  I also want to note that "The Jung Ones" was a book about false empowerment (in the Ajna Project), while "In Solidarity" was a book about real empowerment, when the Squad takes back their lives with Mad Pride.  I have a quirky writing style, but I give myself a pass, writing about a subject such as this.

Some things might have been added to emphasize the saintly outcome of Liz's life, if I had only found my ending sooner to incorporate them.  Maybe she'd find sanctuary in a local church on a bad day... maybe this volume would have included a touch more Catholic imagery, just as previous volumes had.  But I was late to figure it out - when I began "In Solidarity" I still had the original ending in mind, as much as I was sure it might not be the finest.  I guess this gives the comic some complications as a strong plot, but again, I am not a professional writer, I made this out of the love of doing so.

The Beguiling will be taking on this book as well, once they work with consignment again, something they aren't really considering with how shopping is under current COVID-19 restrictions.  I am not looking at any other stores just yet, in this city, until shopping restrictions are lifted.  Damn this pandemic - it killed my chance at having a final book launch!


Monday, 7 December 2020


Yesterday I had an insight in contemplation and channel that took me by surprise.  It suggested that I have a mild case of autism, something that is apparently mild enough that I didn't even recognize it in myself, but the more that I think of it, it makes sense it's probably there.  (I am saying autism rather than Asperger's because there is controversy with the Asperger's label, and now the diagnosis is considered Autism Spectrum Disorder, since the DSM 5 came out, not that I truly give a shit about the DSM or what it has to say.)

Though there were years where I was awkward, or perhaps acted out a lot, I chalked it up to being "nerd girl" stuff, a sensitive kid who didn't fit in because I sucked at sports and preferred to be off alone, reading a book.  But there were other traits there too - my mother said that when I was a baby, I couldn't make eye contact, and would squirm if I was held for too long.  (She has mused in the past about me being autistic, but I was never diagnosed, because I wasn't so out of control that I needed a childhood shrink).  I would do peculiar stuff like collect coloured pencil leads and keep them in a plastic case, demand low lighting, obsess over traffic lights and junction boxes, and in general be the kind of delightful little nerd who would fit right in as a guest on an episode of SNL's "Sprockets".  Mom and Dad thought of it more as the peculiarities of an artist, but I did have trouble making friends, and my first close friend wasn't until junior high.  (Apparently, I spoke somewhat monotone until a certain age, and then I got a bit more expressive in speech.)

There are things that make sense now.  Bondage is not exactly interesting to me sexually, but confinement is a comfort, and so are restraints - I like restrictive clothing, weighted blankets, things like that, because of security, not anything truly kinky.  I used to lie under the crash mat in gym class and get the other kids to jump on it because it felt nice to be sandwiched and compressed.  I can put on the facade of a proud, confident woman and navigate the world with a strong sense of self, but when I get home I retreat to my room and go into my head and explore the mind.  I still smack myself around a bit, which I need to learn to stop doing, but at least I don't cut myself anymore.  I am in control of my emotions but will need to go off to be with myself to talk through things, I hide any oddness from society.  There is still something peculiar about me, but I do a kind of "owning it" thing, where I have taken awkward qualities, polished them, and presented something much more attractive, in the end.  I liken my presentation to the hem of a garment - one side, the side you see, is pristine stitching, the other side is frayed threads that nobody sees.  But I also feel these threads can be trimmed with my spirituality, and cleaned up.  Any qualities that were truly awkward or difficult about me in the past have been unlearned, and now that I am seeing this might be a real trait that I have, I can concentrate on my spiritual work to refine anything else that needs adjustment.  One thing that is definitely not autistic about me is that I am even finer than the average person at picking up on subtle queues, I have many friends, and I am excellent at character analysis - I guess that's why I thought I can't be autistic.  But there is enough there that suggests that perhaps I have some variant of it.  I don't do well with romance at all, finding dating daunting, and I suffer heartache harder than anyone else.  I don't marry well with modern living in some ways, preferring not to be too ambitious in the work force, finding classroom learning impossible to tolerate, and yet with things like COVID-19 upon us, I cope better than most, taking comfort in the fact that I see the world for what it is - illusion.

I'm using a picture of Sir Anthony Hopkins here because he's an autistic spectrum person who was diagnosed later in life, and yet is so brilliant at hiding it because he's a remarkable actor.  I am actually a finer conversationalist than most in social settings, I can be the life of the party, I will use charm and wit to show a person what they want to see to win them over, so that nothing gets awkward in conversation.  But if a chat goes bad on my account, I secretly punish myself for it later.  I have learned to exude great charisma in person, but I am still painfully camera shy on video.  I am in some ways like Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter, but with a sly persona like the Cheshire Cat.

I talked to my mother about this today, and she thinks I am onto something, so I texted my analyst and hope to converse with him as well.  If I have mild autism, doctors should know about this, so that my treatment can be framed differently.  I reject the schizoaffective disorder label completely, my "psychotic" problems were spiritual in nature, but perhaps if autism is a factor, it made things that much more challenging.  I will likely explore this again on here, depending on what happens.

And now, for a song I wish I knew about at age 3:

Monty Python - "I Like Traffic Lights"


Tuesday, 1 December 2020


Something really interesting happened yesterday after I got the sense to give a variation of the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram a shot.

First, I was trying to learn the more complex version with Kabbalistic Hebrew utterances, which I suppose is Golden Dawn (?), but it was too much of a song and dance to perform intuitively without practising it again and again and again.  (I get the sense magick works much better when it is second nature.)  So, I found a simpler alternative on a YouTube channel, and called for Sekhmet, using tobacco, to work with me using it.  The intention was to banish any lingering magickal influences that may have been from old intentions, dating back to perhaps 2006, believe it or not.  Finally finding good use of my athame, I drew the pentagrams of the four cardinal directions and commanded the intention, and then my body began to shake, rather like a kundalini reaction.

As I sat and observed the reaction, I felt "sexy" feelings in my chest area, like a glow of heat and cooling, something in the chakras.  Opening to channel (which of course I am still working to refine) I got messages about magickal complications coming out of an enlightenment spell I cast back in 2006, which led to my kundalini getting stuck, making me sick.  I have primed higher chakras with intentions to Jesus, Mary, Metatron, Krishna, and others, but without being able to overcome the complication, there was still a kind of block.  It's possible I have just overcome that.  (I still believe the demon thing was real - that was a separate issue, and I resolved that in recent years.  Sin might have still been lingering too, but it seems a byproduct of unresolved magick was something else to consider.  I also surrendered that old enlightenment intention to Sekhmet, asking Her to work with it, shaping it to be something finer, now that She is in my life.)

Today I woke with a calm mind and less neurosis.  Above, you'll see a picture of my new Sekhmet shrine, which I made yesterday because of a cubby bookshelf I discovered in the hall of my building - someone was throwing it out.  I wasn't certain that my practice could include this athame that I had impulse purchased many years ago, but it looks like I now have a regular practice of banishing after ritual upon me.  I feel like I should have known better, but again, I was launched into this with very little religious knowledge - when I turned to others for help, they turned away from me, and I was on my own.  I guess the Self is my teacher, and I am finding new methods from old knowledge, bending the rules, and magickal fundamentals need to be understood as I heal.  I shall banish after every ritual now.  Folly is also a good teacher... it welcomes in great lessons.


Monday, 30 November 2020

Mother Mary Jane and other things...

I am trying another source to pray to for marijuana spiritual medicine - Mother Mary.  I'm pretty sure there are mild complications in my nervous system, but that things have improved.  Last night I panic deleted several good old articles about fighting my demon, which I now regret doing.  It happened because of some paranoia that crept over me.  This lasted about an hour and then it ended.  It's a sensitivity I have that makes me commit mild mistakes - nothing serious, just tossing an object I wish I hadn't, or changing things on here, for example.  I hide it so well that no one suspects anything, and I guess doctors assume I'm fine, so I can't get much help from them beyond antipsychotics.  It's definitely improved since I began consuming CBD ritualistically, but I didn't consider the Mother for this.  Jesus helped a lot, but Mary has a special hand of Her own with healing, so I am now turning to Her for further help.  One would imagine that negative forces torturing the brain would take its toll on things, but perhaps not in as devastating a way as drugs or an injury.  I still have mild convulsions when I am trying to sleep, but they're not grand mals and I am consciously aware of them.  I hope I don't need anticonvulsant medication!

I have started to (sometimes) wear a Catholic style veil as a ceremonial garment when doing certain rituals, for psychological headspace.  I kind of want to get a cassock as well, for something more masculine.  This veil was found at Value Village and appears to be homemade, for perhaps a confirmation ceremony.  Mostly I wear it at my rosary Zoom meetings with the other spiritual freaks in my life, but sometimes when I am doing ritual on my own as well.  I have concocted a rite for helping spirits in purgatory, where I invoke Christ into the flame of a Sacred Heart of Jesus candle, make offerings of tobacco and frankincense, and recite the Litany of the Faithful Departed and the Efficacious Novena to the Sacred Heart of Jesus.  November is affiliated with death and we got into praying a chaplet to help those who have passed on, so I wanted to try a rite for deceased friends and family.  I hope I have helped them!  (Maybe Dad has moved on to a dimension full of book mobiles, orange pekoe, siberian huskies, and endless loops of Ennio Morricone music never heard before, which is exactly what I imagine heaven would be like for that man.)

Some things in life are certain - toast always lands butter side down, lighting a cigarette will summon that bus you've been waiting for, and spirits will visit when you're indecent.  Uncle Bob returned to say hello, and I had no pants on!  I shooed him away, telling him to return within the hour, and when he did, I was decent.  This was exactly the same as what happened with my Dad!  One time I was on the toilet - DAAAAAD!


Sunday, 29 November 2020

More polishing of my experimental magickal altar...

I got a further sense that I could keep adding to what I had set up on this altar I am experimenting with.  Wood, Earth, and Metal needed more.  For Wood, I sensed that tobacco, being a sacred plant of prayer to higher sources, could easily be added as twigs from the ceremonial tobacco I buy.  (These twigs are normally annoying to work with in prayer over a charcoal, so this is an easy way of using them another way.)  So twigs of the plant were added to the container holding the smudge mixture.

For Earth, I was drawn to agate, malachite, and fluorite, for some reason.  (I must admit I am not up on my crystals, but I channeled while leafing through a crystal book that these would be good for what I'd be working with.)  In they went.

For Metal, copper had been recommended, but I was told another metal belonged too.  I concluded it was iron, but not having anything elegant made of that metal, I got out some nails, and popped 3 in the container - symbolically, I am representing the nails of the crucifixion here with 3, which is an elegant way of magickally using something otherwise utilitarian in appearance.

I also dug out a pentagram and attached it to my wand, to make it more talismanic.  I have a feeling this is going to be an art project in and of itself, as I explore how to build on this sacred space.  I consider tobacco one of the finest things to use for magick, prayers and blessings, and I encourage anyone magickally oriented to investigate it with their practice.  It just adds to any intention you put out to the Spirit.

I also channeled that although I should consider myself religious, I am not to consider myself one who follows religion (although I have tried, and have seen how practises in religion can help).  Rather, I am creating religion out of what religion gets right, where it is successful.  My mandate is, I ask - what does Buddhism have in its ideas that Christianity lacks, what does Christianity have, in its own way, that can really help someone invoke God?  What do Pagan religions understand about exerting the Will?  There's much to consider in the great paths of the world.  I think of the old parable of the blind men and the elephant - each blind man touches a portion of the elephant, explaining what they sense of it.  All are correct, but can only loosely describe their own piece of the puzzle.  What if I were to dig for all the right pieces, and make something more grounded of it?  That is my consideration.  Not to say I will form a cult, but perhaps I am devising a new method as I explore.  I believe the soul of the individual is on its own path, and while some things are known to work for many, each person's adventure is unique to them.  I also believe, when it comes to the gods, the more the merrier, and more influences in one's life means a broader scope of awareness as a soul.  This is what I feel both Pagans and Hindus understand better than other groups, as two examples.

Things have been feeling really good lately.  I even began praying to Allah (using His name for God instead of others I have worked with, like Jehovah, Creator, and Vishnu) and calling upon biblical prophets.  Why not?  I feel massive changes.  I don't have a concrete system here just yet, so for now I'm exploring various spiritual methods, and they are working.  (Something I did last night was to figure to pray with tobacco in the prayer pipe that my 7 chakras align in accordance with the 7 Heavens, and today I feel quite good... maybe changes are coming from that alone.)


UPDATE: I just channeled a rite that could work with this altar.  Here it is:

1) Call upon the Spirit through Air, make your intention while offering tobacco to the charcoal.

2) Call upon the Spirit to invoke the deities you are working with.

3) Call upon the deities to invoke the 5 elements of Chinese metaphysics.

4) Call upon the 7 directions (East, South, West, North, Up, Down, and Center) to invoke the power.

5) Say "So mote it be".

Saturday, 28 November 2020

New Asylum Squad books now at Caversham Booksellers!

The new graphic novel, "Asylum Squad: In Solidarity", is now on sale at Caversham Booksellers in Toronto!  One small headache: the first 25 books have 3 printing errors that happened during the process - margins are askew on 3 pages.  Still readable, it just looks like awkward graphic design.  I have asked that there be a discount on this item at the store so that if people are that eager to get a copy and can handle some awkwardness, they're still on sale.  I am not sure when the next run will be in my hands - the printers are very aware of the fuck up.  All other books will be without these errors.
Caversham ships so if you want to order one from them, they are willing.  Here is their website:

The Beguiling bookstore will follow - I went today and talked to them, they will get back on consignment stuff once the lockdown is lifted.  I will post an update once the book is in stock there as well.  No other locations carry it right now, but I might go searching once COVID-19 dies down a bit.


Thursday, 26 November 2020

My wand...

Just thought I would make a post showing off my homemade wand.  I guess it doesn't look like much compared to some, but it has a nice weight and feel to it in my hands.  I wasn't using it much for the longest time, but am now finding it more useful as I experiment with altars.

I can't recall where I got the stick from, but I bound it in white suede leather, hand sewing it shut.  The stone at the top is garnet, which I simply anchored with a bit of Shoe Goo.  I got copper wire from a hardware store and wrapped it along the shaft.  The red string is simply decorative - I got the sense that red would be a fitting colour, wands often being affiliated with the element of Fire.

It's funny that I would be drawn to use garnet for this, before knowing I'd be working with Sekhmet, who is affiliated with this stone.  The wand was blessed to work with magick under Her.  (I have an athame too, but find very little use for it, drawn more to this implement for the time being, but this could change.) 

Looks like 25 copies of Asylum Squad "In Solidarity" will be in my possession by tomorrow evening after all, the rest to come in time.  Then it's off to Caversham, at least, to deliver 5 of them for now.  (I need to contact "The Beguiling" and see what's up with them right now with this pandemic.)  Such a relief to get somewhere with this at long last.  Not having a booklaunch is kinda sad, but at least the books can be sold now.  I feel dreadfully upset about our city losing Disgraceland.

My dear uncle Bob passed yesterday.  I called to the Spirit for a visitation from him, and like my teacher friend, sensed him around today.  I channeled his big, infectious laugh, and sensed he might have been in the room for a few hours, as I tried finding a way to converse.  No dice on channeling spirits well yet... I am still wrestling with that.  I had been working with prayers to help him cross over for months now, for when the big moment came.


Wednesday, 25 November 2020

Combining Eastern with Western metaphysics in magick...

Last night I got a message to revisit an old idea I was playing with back in 2006 when I began seriously exploring my spirituality, which was to lay out the 5 elements of Chinese metaphysics (Wood, Fire, Earth, Metal, and Water) in a circle, like a pentagram, but also include Air of Western metaphysics, and the Spirit as the Quintessence/Ether.  According to channel, I was onto something in doing so.

I got the idea to use a dreamcatcher and have it represent the connection to the Spirit, hanging it above the altar.  Wood was represented by some smudge mixture an Anishinaabe family friend had given me, Fire by a lit candle, Earth by some planter's soil, Metal by metal objects, and Water by holy water.  In the center I placed a burner for incense, to represent Air.  The items were blessed with ceremonial tobacco.  (Fire has to be blessed each time I begin a ritual, as well as Air, but the other more stationary elements can remain with a single blessing.  Water evaporates with time so it's up to me to refill with holy water from time to time.

Spirit instructed to clean things up a bit by making the metal copper objects, so I got some old pennies and two pieces of copper jewelry - one a crucifix, and a First Pentacle of the Sun pendant.  Spirit also told me myrrh was best to represent Air.  Using a wand, when doing an incant, I call upon the Spirit to invoke the other 6 elements.  Then, after commanding the intention with a tobacco offering, I stir the Air over the other elements with my wand, clockwise, following the order of creation in Chinese metaphysics, for 15 rotations.  (For curses and destructive magick, simply lay the 5 Chinese elements out in this order: Wood, Earth, Water, Fire, then Metal, then proceed as with the order of creation in ritual.)  It's still an experiment to see what comes of technique, but it might be a fascinating alternative to methods in Wicca and other pagan practises.  Maybe if two other elements normally not brought into Western magick were incorporated (Wood and Metal) it would be that much more powerful?  Let's see!

(That second candle at the bottom of the altar is just an intention spell with Sekhmet - not something that is actively involved with the general layout, if you're wondering why it's in the picture.)


Asylum Squad restocked at Caversham Booksellers...

I just dropped off 5 copies of "(The Complete!) Monster Hospital" and "(The Complete!) Jung Ones" at Caversham Booksellers in Toronto - soon I hope to with The Beguiling as well.  So if you need a copy of one of those, they now carry them at the psychology bookstore.  The Caversham people are absolutely wonderful and have been the finest support of my comics of all stores I have worked with.

In other good news, my printers might actually at least get a partial run of the new book printed very soon, since the lockdown didn't shut them down.  I have asked for at least 25 copies for the time being, to get some in stores.  I will update again once they are in my possession, or are about to be.

Some very strange news now - I just found out that my sinister childhood dentist is under fire in a class action lawsuit for abusing children in the dental chair!  I can say I was definitely one of his victims, but perhaps was too scared to go into intimate details with my parents about what went on.  He'd slap me if I cried, tell me to shut up, do filling work before the freezing took effect, among other things.  He was an absolute sadist and although I currently have a dream dentist, the idea of certain procedures is just too terrifying for me to go through without a general anaesthetic.  I have contacted the legal firm - I also petitioned Sekhmet that any good that can come of this happen.  This guy has been getting away with this since the 70s!  Glad justice might be served here.  He was basically the dentist from "Little Shop of Horrors", but for kids.  Sick.

"Dentist Song"


Friday, 20 November 2020


Damn it, sinners - I was THIS close to getting those new books in my hands and in stores!   Looks like all non-essential businesses are closing again, or are at least limited, so that probably includes my printers too, who were late because they were backlogged from the last lockdown.  I will have to see with them on Monday for sure, but anyone who wants a copy may have to wait even longer.  These guys give me a good deal and are old friends so I use them - other printers would be beyond my budget for what I need made, most likely.  It will one day be out - COVID-19 screwed up so much for the art world.  Disgraceland, where I was likely going to have the launch, is also a dead venue now.  Oh dear.  Time to make like a Carmelite nun again and hunker down in my contemplation, because I have no more shifts at work for a while either.  I will probably be on CRB or EI again soon, so I am at least not concerned about money.

I went back to the Marian shrine yesterday, one more time before it gets too cold.  It's not even that warm right now, but at least above freezing for something like that.  I stayed for about 2 hours, mostly in the chapel.  I broke down and wept over what still doesn't feel right in my soul.  There's a power at that site that comes through strongly - I suddenly channeled to pray to Jesus that, in His name, I be redeemed of all sin.  (I guess I had failed to pray this away well, or maybe I just had to keep praying for it - I don't recall what I have asked with this in mind in the past.)  Shivering, I took my rosary off my wrist and prayed a round of that, making that my intention.  As I completed it, it suddenly felt much warmer, as though the temperature had gone up by about ten degrees.  Then, I got a channel that suggested my prayers were answered.  Today is much better.  So I am hoping I got a taste of a miracle at the Marian shrine, and I might now be even more on the mend.  It's been a general sense of weariness and irritation that has been less intrusive, but has still affected me.  So, I guess that was concentrated sin causing it?  Strange!  Perhaps it muddles channel making it hard to hear God when I open.  Psychic readings can be hit or miss... one I did was really off recently.

I do hope this is the end, but of course time will tell.  I am willing to keep fighting to be healthy again in mind, body and spirit.  Some days are bad, but I am good at bouncing back.  God doesn't want me to lose to my suffering.


Tuesday, 17 November 2020

Printer's proof!

Today I visited my printers to pick up a proof for review - only three edits seem to be needed, otherwise it looks and reads great.  I am so proud of my friend for putting this together for me, saving both my mind and the printers some time.  If there is a second shutdown, it is my hope that all copies will be in my possession before that happens.  I will be emailing the printers with corrections tonight or tomorrow and will be updating on here again once details on where to buy them become available.  (So far, I can tell you that definitely you can expect to see that "The Beguiling" and "Caversham Booksellers" in Toronto will carry them.  Otherwise, I can and will do mail orders.)

Man, a lot of Jehovah's Witnesses keep calling me to preach - best way to handle 'em, I find, is to just tell them that I already know Jesus, which is honestly the truth, in my case - cuts the call immediately.  I don't go on to tell 'em about Sekhmet and other influences I pray to - probably best to leave it at Christ!

I have plans to go back to the Marian Shrine very soon to stay longer next time, with a scribbler for spirit writing, to see what comes of that experience.  I will go by myself this time, I might stay for several hours.  Others plan on going again in the spring but before it gets really cold, I want to check it out once more.  It's so powerful there.


Friday, 13 November 2020

The Marian Shrine of Gratitude: A field trip...

Today, two other members of my rosary coven and I took a trek out to see the Marian Shrine of Gratitude, out by Weston road and Sheppard avenue, in Toronto.  A mutual friend of ours discovered it on a blog - it's a sacred site that has been said to create miracles for some who visit and petition Mary.  "Ok - we're going!" I said, when I heard about it.  Originally, two others were going to join us today, but they felt that with COVID-19 numbers rising, they would put it off to keep our numbers small, until another day.  So, it was the Anglican Druid, the St. Joan of Arc devotee, and myself who went.

It was a cool but beautiful day, and as we rode the bus there from Sheppard West station, I remarked on how lovely the beams of heavenly light emitting from the overcast sky looked upon the horizon.  When we arrived at the house where the shrine stands, the Druid nearly accidentally crushed a garter snake on the path, but the St. Joan devotee quickly noticed, and we pulled him away - thank God, since the serpent is a symbol of sacred power, and to me this was a sign of how powerful this site is.

The site reminds me of a secret garden - you wouldn't likely know it was there unless you were told about it, it's rather tucked away, overlooking a sports field down a hill.  Rosaries and crosses on strings hang from the branches of trees planted there - many have left notes and offerings, petitioning requests.   It looks as though the shrine was once a pool, but was converted in time.  The story is that a priest was cleaning the area, when a branch lanced his eye, and he called to Mary for healing.  Not only was his eye saved, but he was gifted perfect vision as well.  This led to the land being recognized for its healing properties, rather like a Canadian Lourdes.

I felt a powerful reaction and greeting through channel when I stepped into the courtyard of the shrine, and so I pulled out my litany booklet, got on my knees, and recited a litany to Our Lady of Perpetual Help for blessings and healing.  Then we did the rosary, and I paid a small donation and lit a candle as well.  We stayed for about an hour, I decided that I would definitely return one day, probably in the spring.

Also neat was a rather fluffy, handsome looking cat strolling the premises - not sure if he belongs to the priests, but he seemed to like the area, and fit right in with the nature about the shrine.  There was also an indoor portion where an altar stood, with seating, and a place for prayer requests.

It's nice that there's something like this in Toronto - I never expected to go to a sacred spot this close by.  The power I felt in Sedona was more of a sensation of great spiritual presence - this had a bit of that, but was also very mystical in that I felt greeted there.

I recommend it for anyone who wants a tiny taste of the sacred in a city that doesn't tend to give the sacred much thought.

Our little friend from today - glad they survived!


UPDATE: In other news, I am collecting the proof copy of my final graphic novel on Tuesday - once approved, I will be printing 100 copies of the book and putting them in stores.  A booklaunch looks unlikely at this time.

Tuesday, 10 November 2020

Interesting channeled insights on Adam and Eve...

Perhaps I will revisit this again once my channel is that much finer, but I have been getting fascinating insights into the true meaning of the Adam and Eve story of Genesis.  (Disclaimer: Not being a biblical scholar, I am not even sure what others have claimed while interpreting it - I have read Genesis a few times, and am opening to channel to see what it says about its meaning.  Keep that in mind while reading this article.)

One of the most boring interpretations of Adam and Eve is that it's a creation story of the first man and woman, something that fundamentalists like to prop up as proof that homosexuality is a sin - "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve", they will say, like some self appointed moral authority.  I always find this profoundly stupid and reductive to the story itself, to be honest.  But I wanted to call upon the Spirit, as an experiment, to see what channel has to say about the meaning, because it is rich in symbolism:

Firstly, I see the description of the creation of the heavens and the earth, and everything described therein, as metaphors for the emanations of existence.  (The seven days are the Seven Heavens.)  What follows is perhaps on par with what Lurianic Kabbalists might think of what came of God's creation when existence was willed.  Channel said that the Garden of Eden is the construct we exist in, and the way the world unfolded.  Adam and Eve are not primordial humans - they are the components of the cosmos that create.  In Kabbalah, Keter is the subtlest emanation, closest to YHWH, and is masculine - Malkuth is feminine, and relates to the physical, affiliated with Shekinah.  Keter spilled into the other emanations as God willed the Tree of Life, thus producing Malkuth - so, in this myth, Eve came of the rib of Adam, a metaphor for the Sacred Feminine birthed out of the Sacred Masculine.

The Tree of Knowledge, I am getting, represents the Spirit as is, blossoming of the Divine, and the serpent is knowledge itself, rather like the serpent of kundalini.  Eve, representing Nature, desires to see, so she eats from the Tree of Knowledge, and there is a reaction in Adam, who represents the Source.  This suggests that somehow the Sacred Feminine became conflicted, relating worse to the Sacred Masculine.  The sin in eating from the Tree of Knowledge is that it would invoke an understanding that isn't there yet, and one who attempts knowledge would find a lack of true knowledge.  This is a metaphor for the cosmos and how it is not yet understood what it is.  The story suggests that existence itself is simply unsound at this point.  God's anger here comes of the horror of his creation going wrong.  This is a story about what went wrong with Malkuth.

The cherubim who guard the Garden of Eden once Adam and Eve are banished imply an order that was created by God once a flaw in creation was generated.  This flaw, like Lurianics have stated, came of when the will of God was too much for creation, and this part of Genesis is an attempt to interpret that.  It is not that the woman sinned, it is that the reaction in an overabundance of God's will created a flaw in the Sacred Feminine, which affected all.  Unfortunately, fanatics choose to humiliate womankind because of shoddy ideas about this story.

Just some ideas that came through - maybe I will channel more in time, if I give Genesis another good look over and consider other pieces of symbolism.  I believe the Bible is a sacred talisman that has been good at evoking ideas, but makes a lousy contemporary moral guide, except perhaps here and there.  I like to study it sometimes, and use mostly Proverbs and the Psalms, as I have said, but prefer other readings as a personal guide for morality... just my choice.  I feel that the Bible is dated, it didn't age well in the way it has been used, but it is still relevant.


The benefits of invoking the mystical Jesus for magickal practice...

It has come to my attention, both through personal experience and through channel, that Jesus is one of the more important influences that has shaped my magickal life.  Unfortunately, due to bland religiosity, He sometimes gets a reputation for being the kind of god who would frown upon magicians.  I see this as profoundly untrue, and now wish to list some examples of why I see Him as an indispensable ally in the magician's court, if He is invoked mystically:

• Jesus, first and foremost, purifies the soul of the corruption that exists in all, the result of what came about from flaws in the creation of existence, what Christians might call "original sin".  Corruption can pepper one's practice with illusion, making the results of practice confusing, or even drive a soul to karmic hell or lunacy.  Clearing this, it becomes more evident to the magician when magick has been effective, and after a certain point, Jesus may even prevent karmic backlash.  He is a mighty protector and in working with Him one can correct complications, should things go wrong.

• Jesus helps blossom a person to their highest potential, even if that leads a person to transform into someone they didn't expect.  He brings forth the deeper Self.  While the words of biblical Jesus, religiously followed by mainstream understanding, may encourage a certain way of being as a practice, mystical Jesus literally is a power that shapes the soul to conform to the will of God - God being the deeper Self.  All people are emanations of God, though some are more realized than others, and Jesus is a god who helps bring that out in people, when He is mystically involved.  He also helps people transcend the cycle of rebirth.

• Jesus resonates with the highest Divinities, and can bring you closer to them.  My belief is that biblical Jesus and His story are myth, based on a real man, who was a god, who came and is now Spirit itself, but was the needed connection for humanity at the time.  He is an accessible god who will answer any person who seeks Him enough, when other gods may only be suitable for some.  He may also act as a stepping stone to gods who may otherwise be hard to invoke without Him or other gods who could.

• Some argue that invoking demons can help to conquer old traits using a kind of shadow work - I say Dr. Carl Jung would call bullshit on this if he was alive to hear it.  Corruption, which exists in all unless worked out of oneself, must be eradicated for clarity, and so the idea of taking on further corruption by invoking lower entities suggests to me one might find themselves in a deeper delusional state than the status quo if they engage this kind of corruption enough.  My suggestion is to leave this stuff alone - seek the higher realms.  In certain seekers, "demons" will come forward to be defeated, as they should be... one must not remain in the training grounds in the search for the Self.  I could be wrong, but I have yet to encounter a writer who has engaged with the demonic enough who provides more than perhaps an interesting story... I just don't trust it to be relevant occult knowledge when I have heard it, compared to the holiest of mystics and what they have to say.  One thing I definitely trust is that if demonic engagement doesn't seem to harm you in this life, your bardo period might suck monkey balls, and you may suffer serious karmic problems in future lives as well.

Just my opinion on things, having lived the life I live, gotten out of a worst case scenario for the soul, one I didn't even call upon myself.  I know others will disagree - the esoteric is a domain people have debated since the dawn of man's pursuit of the soul.


Friday, 6 November 2020

Considering neurology in my prayers...

An excellent video on kundalini and neurology

A while ago, with Metatron, I had considered some of what the video above discusses about neurological shifts with the kundalini, including that the neocortex and the limbic system are meant to be still to defeat "monkey mind", which is what most humans who have not developed their consciousness are described as experiencing.  As a result, with time, I felt a mindful calm come over much of my processing, and finer ideas began to surface, I was able to handle stress better, became more intellectual, among other things that perhaps don't come to mind, or are beneath my awareness.  One thing I did not consider until today is that my reptilian brain must not only be the more active centre, but perhaps could stand to increase in activity from where it is at this point.  So that was the latest for today.  When I prayed for it, I channeled some hopeful messages about further neurological progress, and now I wait to see how this unfolds.

Although constructs like chakras and sephirot are great tools for contemplation when it comes to achieving higher faculties of consciousness, one should also consider the brain itself in prayer.  I recommend this video for some understanding on what yogis have come to conclude on brain function and enlightenment.  Raja Choudhury is an evocative speaker, and I have played this several times over to take in what he has to say on the subject.  (I am also considering the enteric nervous system a bit in my prayers today as well.  Hopefully results will be obvious enough to discuss what I observe.)

I am now certain CBD has made a difference in me, and I continue to consume it, with breaks here and there, to urge consciousness in the correct direction.  This video also discusses the use of entheogens a bit, along with other techniques.


Sunday, 1 November 2020

Hallowe'en 2020 rundown...

Carmelite nun and the Holy Trinity - Hallowe'en 2020

Hello sinners -

I hope Hallowe'en 2020 was ok for you - not the greatest due to the pandemic, but some I know still had a good time.  I spent most of the day at the psychic parlour, did a reading, and hung out with other psychics in training, including this lovely lady above who went as the Holy Trinity.  I wore a mask to stay COVID safe, and found it worked surprisingly well style wise with the nun habit - almost like a Carmelite nun who is curious about becoming a Jain.  So Pope Joan didn't happen, but maybe another year.  The moon was big and beautiful and it's a shame that this year couldn't have been just a bit more exciting - still, doing psychic readings on Hallowe'en has its own kind of novelty.

Another one of my spells seems to have worked.  Mom's cat Luigi is a beautiful overweight boy who is obsessed with over grooming, and has licked his belly bald.  Mom asked me to cast a spell on him, so I petitioned Sekhmet to ease the cat's anxiety, or whatever it was causing this to happen with him, and already it's curbed his behaviour a bit, and hair is growing back.  Hopefully this isn't a coincidence, but it doesn't seem like it, because the cat has been chronic about his trichotillomania, and nothing else seemed to work.  BTW, the other cat my sister was catsitting sprayed a bit more again, but was quickly moved to another location by a person who stepped forward, so I guess the end result of that spell was just to get that cat the hell out of my sister's apartment.  Psychically, I read that this cat just didn't like her, and although you can't pee on hospitality, you also can't cure hatred with a candle, I guess.

Readings are growing finer, but I have a new concern - how do I, as a professional, deliver a difficult reading to a client without ruining their day?  I need to now understand how to be as gentle as possible when the news is not good.  I guess I would just recommend that they seek Divinity to solve their karmic problems, but I worry about scaring people who can't handle it.  That's the trick with being a professional psychic - the good ones can be scary, and the bad ones make all of us look like charlatans.  I demand to be as accurate as possible before taking money, at least higher fees, anyway.  I am now a semi professional, but I don't demand coin.  Still in training, though my teacher thinks I'm pretty much there.  I just refuse to give a bad service.


Friday, 30 October 2020

"The Craft: Legacy" review...

Some friends came by today for a viewing of "The Craft: Legacy", and I felt compelled to write a review of the film.  Why?  Because it is shockingly bad, and relevant to the theme of this blog.

I won't hold back - this is one of the worst films I have seen in a very long time, and even though I cheated and streamed it off a freebie site, I still was quite angry.  I am so glad we found it on a streaming site because I would have been livid if we had paid the rental fee for this thing.  Oh my GOD, it looked questionable based on the trailer, but the final cut is appalling.  Please do NOT waste your money on this, because it is a giant insult to the eyes.  Here's what I hated about it:

First of all, I can't imagine Wiccans are ever going to consider this a cult classic.  The first movie was both criticized and loved by witches, criticized for getting principles and effects in witchcraft wrong, inventing a false god (though I can understand why, to avoid a suit if some kid were to go off the rails invoking anything real), and perhaps for a few plot pieces that were slightly problematic, such as the subplot with Chris Hooker the douchebag boyfriend who Sarah Bailey for some reason crushes on, puts under a spell, which later leads him to his death due to Nancy Downs.  Not a perfect film, but a helluva good time that had edge, style, and a delightful meanness that was intrinsically 90s.  That movie was directed by men, which I guess bothered enough people that this one was chosen to be directed by a woman, a feminist, but it's so sanctimonious when it delivers any woke politics that I cringed with every piece of dialogue.  It forgets the rules of effective writing: show, don't tell.  Yes, it would be cool to be woke in a piece about teen witches, but one must weave that into the script correctly, or else your audience will rebel.  I felt almost beat over the head with a lecture while watching this at times, and desperately wanted to wash my mind of its sins with another viewing of the old movie, to take in the delightful cattiness of Fairuza and company, with girls who seemed to have far greater life problems than these underdeveloped characters do, ladies who we barely know anything about, and therefore aren't invested in.  (One girl is trans, played by a trans actress, and there's a line here or there that was done well to imply this about her, but a lot of other things seemed forced and I kind of felt like this film could take its well intentioned tone and shove it.)  While "Sucker Punch" is almost a badly done 3rd wave style feminist piece that also made me angry for its own reasons, this is bad 4th wave feminism.

It's also hokey as hell, but not in a campy way that I can enjoy.  These girls have crazy ass powers, peppered in silly looking CGI, where they can summon flames with their fingertips, glow brightly coloured auras, invoke anime fire orbs, freeze time, and it all felt low budget to me and inconsiderate of what the occult is truly like.  I don't get the sense that this will appeal to anyone except for those who are drawn to witchcraft as a clothing style, not as a serious spiritual path, because there is absolutely nothing here that you can take seriously.  You can't buy that any one of these four girls are developed enough as people to possess even the most basic grasp of magick, so how the hell do these bitches freeze time?!  It was silly enough in the original when the girls did the glamour spell that literally produced an effect leading to the false report of a plane crash on television - here, there's one of the worst film montages I have ever seen, where they pause time in a school lunchroom and frolic around like annoying little shits causing mischief.  Oh god, that montage was terrible, and also - this soft reboot robs so much from the original and it's done so badly that you absolutely can't forgive it.  Fuck it, I'll just say it - unlike the former, this movie has no balls.  Also, editing is sloppy and amateur looking at times, and the dialogue was insulting.

SPOILER: The only thing kind of worth watching, and yet not really, is at the very end where Nancy Downs makes an appearance, but she doesn't even get more than one line, and it means nothing - it's just a Fairuza Balk cameo.  David Duchovny is also in here, but he's this boring MRA type who is clearly the villain, and I just don't find him a good choice for the role.  Making the villain an MRA bro is so add water and stir that as soon as you hear that he's involved in some masculinity empowerment thing, earlier on in the film, you understand that he's the bad guy.  It's that dumb a plot.  Wait - it's barely a plot... it's a series of events that don't really amount to much, fumbling towards a conclusion that doesn't satisfy, it doesn't even amuse, it just enrages you if you spent any money to watch this.  I was angry, and I didn't even pay anything.

I imagine there will be jokes about how this movie is fitting for a year like 2020 - thank god "Bill and Ted Face the Music" was fun (I saw it with friends at a drive in) - also not brilliant cinema, but it was self aware cuteness that was a delightful ode to the original films.  "The Craft: Legacy" belongs at the bottom of a DVD bargain bin with a 99¢ sticker attached to it.  It was about as bad as the "Jem and the Holograms" movie... it was as insulting to the original as the "Neverending Story" sequel movies were to the first film.  My friends and I joked that there needs to be a geriatric witch girl movie - like "Golden Girls" meets "The Craft" original... see some cackling crones getting up to no good.  I would love something like that!  (Also terrible is the "Charmed" series, but that's kind of like a Wiccan soap opera and worth laughing at how appalling it is.  This is another level where you just get irritated no matter what.)

My tension headaches have been bad since that boot to the head - I have been applying liberal amounts of Vicks VapoRub to my temples, but no dice.  That stupid cunt - I hope she gets hers for this.  Honestly, I didn't provoke anything, I stood my ground instead of cowering or leaving, but it was only because I had to wait for my food.  Imbeciles.


Friday, 23 October 2020

Holy masochists, sacred queers, and other things...

(This article is sure to tick off members of the Roman Catholic Church, but I figured I would write it anyway, due to things I have been channeling about various saints and holy figures.)

St. Lawrence is considered one of the toughest martyrs in the church, because - while being roasted alive, he smirked and uttered: "Turn me over - I'm done on this side".  The church would likely argue that the Holy Spirit filled him with the power to withstand excruciating pain... but was there something else going on?

I have channeled many times over that the historical Jesus was a masochist who was able to withstand the crucifixion because He enjoyed at least some degree of pain and humiliation.  I had also channeled that, in general, proclivities can arise out of sufferings from previous lifetimes playing out as kinks in the current life, to help the soul to therapeutically resolve past life traumas, but some kinks can also be in a person to help guide the soul through troubles ahead that are innate in the fate of the individual.  If a soul is destined to be a martyr, they might have something in them that allows them to process the pain a bit more easily... in short, God comforts the soul with something the church likely wouldn't want people to embrace in themselves: an erotic desire that would fit right in with the modern day fetish scene.

I am certain that the Holy Spirit has a hand in making everything that much easier - not many are masochistic enough to handle being roasted alive.  But I wonder, based on what St. Lawrence uttered, if there was already a quality of masochism in him, one that the Holy Spirit worked with to make the horror of the end of his life all the more tolerable.  This is a debatable topic and fundamentalists would want to take me to task over this, but I believe in a loving God who not only loves the kinkster, but might even create kinks in the person to soften the blows of their soul's personal journey.

Now, onto queerness: I consulted this with my very close friend, who is trans, to make sure there was nothing problematic about a (mostly) cisgendered woman such as myself discussing it.  It is common knowledge that many shamans have been trans, or have in some way been unusual sexually, or present an otherness that sets them apart.  I chalk it up to them being ancient souls who have lived many lives as many people, been both sexes, which likely has influenced gender down the line.  They are not confused, they are in fact more aware in some ways, having been many people, these people's qualities influencing many components of their current life, and this can include gender identity and sexuality.  Shamans kind of have to be ancient to be shamans, so it makes sense that if many shamans are trans, it's arguable that being trans could also be a sign of an old soul.

I have also channeled that St. Joan of Arc was trans, not a cross dresser, as many have concluded due to Joan wearing male clothes, which this saint insisted on and considered holy.  Many saints have had their queerness erased by the church, in favor of a watered down image that suggests a kind of sexual purity that the Catholics consider ideal.  St. Bacchus and St. Sergius were lovers, St. Aelred of Rievaulx, the patron saint of friendship, was believed to be gay.  Even King David from the Bible is argued to be at least bisexual.  I am not sure how much the church consciously covers up when considering a person for canonization, but I am sure there are a lot of insights about the saint in question that are left out in their life story, once presented to the public.  If Jesus Himself can be whitewashed to the degree He is in art, why not this?

I am mostly recovered from the assault now, BTW - the bruising didn't get that bad, and I only needed to pop pain killers twice.  I have had a few moments of being emotionally sensitive from the fear of what could have been, had this been uglier, had the group had weapons, but I need to let that go.  That's just the mind teaching me to be more careful next time.  Now I know not to be sassy if a group gangs up on me again.  (My Dad was guilty of this kind of thing in life as well, but he never got beaten for it.)  The man I was in another life was a fighter pilot in a world war, he wants to put idiots in their place, but he is housed this time around in an out of shape female body that doesn't know how to fight.  Better to be meek and alive than bold and in a casket.  I will leave immediately if anything like this ever happens again.  (Mars retrograde is in Aries right now, so maybe that negatively influenced things for me.)


UPDATE: I probably won't pursue a case with the assault, even though people have been saying I should.  I guess they don't get what life is like in the projects.  The restaurant was nearby, and I don't get if this group lives in the hood, is affiliated with a gang (even though they were likely in their early 20s, not very bright, and the girl who kicked me was more violent than she was skilled at fighting).  I do NOT need to be a gang target if I put one of them in prison and they find out where I live.  I cannot trust the police to protect me because of my lower class status, and I want to avoid being involved with them.  Also, with racial tension as it is, I don't want to be the white girl who sends the black girl to prison, even if she did do what she did.  I am trying to live a quiet life without much of anything to complicate things, not even pursuing ambitious things, and a court battle would disrupt my situation, making me feel vulnerable.  I say, walk away.  If she was this violent over absolutely nothing, she will likely be in prison for something else someday anyway.  Ego would want to press charges, Self says leave it alone.

Tuesday, 20 October 2020

Assaulted: 2020 finally laid into me...

Oh god, what a fucking night.

I just got home from the hospital, where I was looking to get a CATscan after some honkey haters surrounded me at a local restaurant, and one shoved me to the ground and began kicking me in the head.  I took off before she could do any serious visible damage, but my head now feels swollen and it's probably going to bruise badly.  I have too much pride - I should have backed away but I felt like sassing back at this psychopath because of the shit I have been through over the years, and she attacked me.  Foolish.  Do not try to reason with a violent idiot.  They were calling me names like "white shit" - I never thought white bashing would happen to me, I tend to be gentle in my demeanour, but there you go.  (Perhaps my gentle demeanour is something she wanted to hurt.)  I was quivering but it wasn't fear - it was adrenaline, which pumps so bad in me when I'm angry it makes me look nervous.  That cunt was a shit Jungian because that wasn't fear in my eyes, that was a mind appalled at little girls behaving badly, trying to restrain itself.

It really worries me because I already have neurological sensitivity and am vulnerable a lot when I am alone, so the shock made me panic, and I was terrified once she began kicking me.  I ran to some cops and reported it - they called an ambulance.  I started seeing geometric shapes in my field of vision.  This blew $45 on that ambulance which led to me just getting some Tylenols and Advils at the hospital.  The doctor said I didn't need the CATscan.  If I have a concussion, I hope it doesn't add to what's already wrong with me.  

Fuck Toronto.  I support BLM but this is bullshit.  I am not some bougie white girl who talks shit about POC - I live in the projects.  (I prayed the rosary in the ER and that seemed to calm me down, I didn't even need an Ativan.)

I'm going to be sore tomorrow.


Monday, 19 October 2020

On my own: Recovering from spiritual assault (without any real assistance)...

I am feeling very weary again.  I think my nervous system is still quite shot - I cry a lot, and want to retreat to my room and talk to the Spirit to coax me out of pain.  The battle I had with the demon was so brutal that it must have affected me in some profound way that medicine just doesn't understand, and I feel I will never get adequate help, and that I must continually just work to heal myself, not being able to rely on anyone.  Though this teaches me self reliance, it also makes me weary, and sometimes I lose hope.  I doubt I will ever kill myself, but I worry about cancer being the next big thing I will have to face, because both of my parents had it, the families are riddled with it, and this strain I feel could fuel a tumour.  I live in fear of dying like my father did.  Mostly I suffer from odd neurological quirks that conventional medicine seems to ignore, chronic tiredness, and tension headaches, and the desire to live as small a life as possible.  I would sign up for a PETscan if only psychiatry offered those for diagnosis and not just for research.  I would sign my life over to a state hospital for long term care if it guaranteed REAL care, and not abuse and humiliation, and if my pain was acknowledged for what it really is.  I would eventually want my life back of course, but I feel like a soldier returning from war and it's as though nobody gets it.  Some days I am in so much pain, but other than on this blog, you will never hear me talk about it.  I can't afford to look weak after what looking weak did to me in the past.  People turned their backs on me when I was weak before... I am sure they would easily do it again.  I must laugh it off and be strong about everything, even if it kills me.

I thank my analyst and my current psychiatrist for all the help they have provided, but I still feel like mostly, it's all up to me, and sometimes I feel like everything I do to try to heal is a shot in the dark.  There's no question that I have improved, the original problem seems to be gone (or at least leaving), but the after effects are crippling.  I can distract myself by being with friends or picking myself up by my bootstraps in other ways here and there, but alone again, I am weary when I think too much about it.  My body might just give out from all of this, I could die young... I'm not sure.  Self abuse is still something I engage in, but only in the mildest sense - you won't ever see me with razor blades, just a smack to the head or a desire to choke myself, which never lasts.  Again, it's an old pattern that isn't fully broken, and happens when I panic.  Divinity usually successfully restrains me with an invisible force to prevent me from harming myself at all.

The only thing I truly care about anymore is my relationship to Divinity and building on that, on feeling loved after being possessed by an entity of hate, on fostering the best that I can get out of what remains of my time here in this world.  I hope to go as far as I can in my spirituality that I won't ever have to return, because most of my life has been pretty hard.  As a child I endured constant bullying, my teens meant a difficult home life, and my 20s were impossible.  I can't imagine that if I don't get this sorted out by 50, the aging process will ever be kind to me.

I must have lived some mighty strange lives to deserve this, or else this is an intense test leading to something better.  Whatever the case, I hold onto hope when I channel that nicer times are ahead, and I might even have an extremely good life coming.  In the meantime, I try to live a bit like the "Little Way" of St. Therese of Lisieux, and approach this time with childlike humility and devotion.


Sunday, 11 October 2020

Latest comic update...

My dear friend recently compiled all comic files for the final graphic novel, and is onto the cover portion.  Then he will return the files to the printers (they were too swamped to tackle it immediately), and (hopefully) all copies will be in my possession before the end of the fall.  Since COVID-19 numbers are rising again, a book launch might not be possible, but I will provide information on here as to where to obtain your copy.  (I am considering on demand printing from the web for future reprints - perhaps an omnibus, the whole series in one big book, minus "The Psychosis Diaries", which I don't plan on printing again.)

Today I purchased the Sekhmet statue pictured here - a modest price, from The Occult Shop.  It was a real bitch finding a local shop, as of late, that carried Her - I had to get them to order it.  She used to be everywhere, but lately... nothing.  She looks good on my table altar, next to all of my other spiritual gear.  She still seems to be a prominent influence, one that is growing in my relationship to Her with time.

I am kicking myself that this comic wasn't put out immediately after the series was completed online.  I could have gotten a book launch out of it without COVID-19 spoiling the event scene, and it would have just looked better from a creator to do it sooner.  I wonder if this sabotaged my readership much?  Oh well - I am still on a kind of hiatus, and I just feel like I can't quite focus on that kind of thing right now.  My soul and my mind are my priorities.  When I do psychic readings about it, the answer is that a comeback is coming, but only when I am moved to do my next big project, whatever that is.  I think I need to get to a plateau of sorts with my situation to know what to discuss next, and until that time, it's just journal style updates with these blog posts, and the odd art piece here and there.

A weird Thanksgiving... no meal with the family due to rising numbers.  My uncle is in palliative care, so I expect a new spiritual guest to drop by once he's in Bardo.  I lit many candles to pray for him, sometimes in church, to support his journey in any way it could be supported.  A great guy with a funny laugh and lots of charm.  We will miss him.