Tuesday, 24 March 2020

On COVID-19 and the new graphic novel...

New look for Sister Penance?

Well, things are getting tight in the city, including the fact that my printer pals have gone on a work hiatus due to the virus scare.  So the comic is going to be delayed (again) before printing... and I am not sure when the book launch will be happening.  I just wanted to make this update, because I had said that it was at the printers, getting prepped... but then 2020 had to pull a dick move and put us all in this situation.  One day, though, that book will be out there for purchase - sorry I delayed it for so long, and then got it in while this was starting up!

I was laid off temporarily from work due to COVID-19, but promised my job back when this blows over.  I receive benefits so at least my basic needs will be met, and I might even get additional compensation because of the relief funds coming.  I am still not letting myself worry, am just living a more cautious, enclosed life, only heading outdoors when I need it.  I must admit, I like a brief stroll when I can get it, for mental health hygiene, but I do so while respecting social distancing, and so far the government hasn't said that's something I should be avoiding.  I already live like a hermit - I am an ambivert, but leaning more towards introversion.  I hope we don't get to a point where I can't do walks anymore, as it makes things more tolerable for me.  Hopefully Canadians who are not respecting social distancing will behave themselves so that others who are can still have rights like this.  I am sure I could find the strength not to go out for walks, but it would still be hard.  Solitary confinement sucks, I have lived it before, and although it would be in my home, cabin fever could set in anyway.

I thought I could concentrate on things other than contemplation again, but I guess my days of doing so are not yet over.  I will continue to explore the soul as this goes on, doing psychic readings, praying the rosary, reciting psalms to get through the pandemic.  It's been a while since I have visited a church, I miss doing that as well.  I haven't cracked yet... the Spirit reassures that I will be able to handle what unfolds.


Saturday, 21 March 2020

COVID-19: An inconvenient blessing?

This song is stuck in my head now.

Ok, so things are really starting to get intense with COVID-19, and I am certainly not being flippant about it.  I take precautions with regular hand washing, using sanitizer, a respirator when I step outside (which is up to twice a day, never more than 3 times, never for long, and never for socializing), and latex gloves.  I am obeying instructions about social distancing, and am mostly at home, in my one bedroom.  Thank God, I say to myself, I have a one bedroom, and not a shitty little space in a rooming house anymore!  That would be horrible, especially if I had ongoing pest control problems, or issues like that.  This place is relatively nice, and even though it's small, I can at least go from the living room to the bedroom when I need a change of environment.  A bachelor or single room would get to me with this in effect, even though I have mastered some degree of stillness, and can handle hours of doing absolutely nothing when I do my job at work.

Yet, despite this difficult new normal, I still feel, deep down, COVID-19 is what this world needs right now.  Some stories of animals roaming free as humans hunker down have been discredited, but not all have, and nature seems a bit more relaxed with this going on in the human world - I mean, it must be.  Mother Nature is using tough love measures to dismantle everything that was taking advantage of Her.  Though many currently live in fear and anxiety, I find that a lot of the more spiritually minded people I know are seeing a silver lining in all of this - certainly, some Indigenous elders seem to be chill about it.  Any anxiety I do feel tends to be before bed, a time when anxiety can bother me anyway, and it's all in the head - the head being the region of consciousness that often feeds us lies and worries.  Other parts of me almost feel excited about what might eventually come of the world.

I'm sure some would think I am nuts for feeling that way, and, as I said before, I do not wish to belittle the lives of the poor people who have died from this.  But perhaps these were necessary measures to usher in a new era - to bring natural order from the resulting chaos.  We certainly couldn't continue in the direction we were headed in... our planet has suffered immensely.  So, if capitalism wouldn't listen to Greta, maybe COVID-19 was the answer.  Also, on some metaphysical level, this must be karma shifting and correcting things, this is how the Spirit is presenting to us, so this is a time of hope for me, when I consider everything.  The light shining in the darkness is an outpouring of love and humanity.

I see COVID-19 as a massive social inconvenience, but perhaps a good lesson in getting in touch with our true selves, and I will do my best to weather the storm.  I am a soul accustomed to suffering and tragedy... one year locked away in a mental institution taught me about tolerating quarantine, so at least now I can experience this in my own home.  I joked recently that if things lead to strict lockdown, I may begin to identify as a "cloistered nun".  I am making light of the situation by owning it with style and humour.

I got some painting done again today - I finally began working on my "St. Tommy Wiseau" piece, which might be done in the next few days.  When it is, I will post the final painting.  Who knows, maybe quarantine will be the push I needed to really get back into art!


Wednesday, 18 March 2020

Thoughts on "The Exorcist", after possession...

I thought that with all this self-quarantining in effect, it meant it was a great time to hunker down with a classic movie, so I pulled my copy of "The Exorcist" from the shelves, and decided I'd give it a watch so I can comment about it in an article.  I hadn't seen this film since before becoming possessed, putting it off due to the concern that it might be upsetting.  But now I am at a point where I felt I could handle it, and having just watched it, it wasn't so bad.  Some thoughts:

First off, I am not sure what possession (an extremely rare but legitimate condition that might be more prevalent in some cultures than others, largely ignored and written off as mental illness in the west) is like for other people, but I never physically got as messed up as Regan here.  I can relate heavily to the component of the film where western medicine fails to understand what is going on, except in my case it was even more infuriating because at least Regan got several specialists on board to try to make sense of her case.  (Also, Regan avoided psychiatric institutionalization, her mother was a rich woman - I have been a poor woman on my own, and I was thrown into an insane asylum.)  In my situation, apart from an EEG that later came in hospital due to violent convulsions, and an MRI when I had a seriously horrible reaction to marijuana that led me to an ER in an ambulance, I never got any kind of PETscan to determine faulty brain chemistry - one particularly infuriating doctor mused that a PETscan could "prove" I was schizophrenic, so when I asked for one to confirm his suspicion, he said it was only for research.  I got the standard, lazy treatment of doctors listening to my case for about ten minutes, and making a clinical decision based solely on their personal opinion.  This medical decision was to change a couple of times, because different doctors meant different ideas about what was going on... because, "science".  All the while, for the longest time, no one cared to hear about my perspective.  So the frustration Regan's mother has with psychiatry is the kind of shit I had to deal with for years - I am not sure how my family felt about it behind my back, but I know it must have been difficult for them as well.

Another thing I can relate to is how this crept over me and became increasingly worse with time.  My behaviour began to go very weird with people, and I wasn't even aware of how odd it seemed.  In this movie, Regan starts by acting slightly strange, they think it's a nerve disorder, and prescribe Ritalin.  It started, in my case, with me accusing people of things I strongly believed about them, acting weird in emails, going off and doing things in the middle of the night, and inventing peculiar rituals.  It was like being in a trance, and I was losing my footing as an ego.  The possession case I had was more like a haunting or spirit obsession until one day, in a room I was renting, the demon entered me through my sacral region and flooded my mind with a horrible sensation as though I was being ripped to shreds by angry bats.  Before this time, I was being playfully manipulated, but also subjugated, so that I couldn't think for myself as easily, and I was under the command of something other than my own mind.  How do I know it was not of my mind?  I can't say, only that I know.  It's not something that can be quantified by any other means except to experience it oneself.

Unlike Regan, I got the sense God was making this easier, for I had reached out to God before this attack on my soul, so God was cushioning it with slight whimsy, to make the experience less painful.  Something to mention from my youth: when I was 14, I had played with a homemade ouija board with other kids in my high school.  Something calling itself "Napoleon" spoke through it, and got us to keep going back to it, under a flight of stairs at the school.  From what I know, none of those other kids were affected, it just wanted to toy with me.  One night, with a neighbourhood kid, it changed its tone with me, saying it was going to kill me, and that's all it would say from that point on.  Then, it said it was in my "black yin piece" necklace, which promptly broke off its chain.  Not having a religious upbringing, and not knowing how to proceed, I stupidly kept that yin piece for many years in a shoebox.  When I felt spiritual problems creeping into my life, I found the yin and tossed it into Lake Ontario.  Shortly thereafter, my soul was under attack from something calling itself "the devil".  I am still trying to make sense of what holding onto that item meant as far as how it affected my life, but perhaps it was causing me depression, self-injury tendencies, and problems at home.  This is the stuff of teen horror movies, isn't it?

Things that didn't happen to me: I never levitated, though a rosary in my hands did at one point.  I didn't vomit or spin my head around, though I had a tendency to claw at myself, and thrash, beat myself, and for this I required hospitalization to keep from seriously damaging myself, or others.  Also, my body would often move on its own.  There were a few weird things that happened with electronics, but nothing truly dramatic.  Nightmares were horrific when they happened, and often implied horrible sexual depravity and abuse, the tone was gritty, as though through a really raw, horrifying filter, and they would shake me awake in terror.  My voice changed to a different tone like Regan's, but maybe only a few times... it got deeper, as though a male's voice.  I felt like I was growing a phallus at one point, there were strange sensations as though my energy field was being played with.  My mind was flooded with visions, some funny, some horrific, some repulsive, some just plain chaotic.  I talked in tongues and I shouted coprolalia... it's possible I spoke in another language at one point, and I suspect it was Aramaic.  There was a creeping sensation throughout my body of irritation and filth, and my senses were in so much agony that this was another reason I would claw at myself, or beat myself to calm down, the tendency to self-injure having already been a pattern in my life.  Thankfully, aside from one suicide attempt in 2012 due to a failure from the medical establishment in stabilizing me, most self-injury was mild, and I don't have permanent marks from it.  It was just bruising and light scratches from my fingernails.  Though I used to be a cutter, I wasn't at the time of possession, and I have scars but not as many as some people I have met.

I kind of reacted to holy water like Regan, though it wasn't as dramatic - I would simply flinch from it, smudge was a bit more dramatic in how the demon would react to it.  If I touched crucifixes, sometimes I would feel an intense electrical burning sensation, but this was only a couple of times.  It was so strange how powerful these reactions could be, it dramatically transformed how I view reality.  The truth really is stranger than fiction.

I know possession cases are extremely rare, so rare that I gather most people don't believe in them, but I know this happened to me.  Thank God I have been able to find ways of getting out of this on my own.  My understanding is that convincing a priest to perform an exorcism requires certain religious protocol, and I wasn't expecting Toronto to exactly be a spiritual epicentre that could provide for something like this.  Life is still about being cautious, I am not feeling 100% free as a mind (though I am dramatically freer now than ever before this began, and not even affected in a dark way, I am just slightly different than I probably should feel, and it keeps getting better).  I really had to fight for my life, tooth and nail.  Many things kept me going... the fear of dying and facing this thing on the other side, the fear of disappointing God and my loved ones, and even the concern of people spreading rumours about me killing myself due to "schizophrenia", later to do something well meaning but equally insulting, like starting a foundation in my name, donating money to CAMH for a disease I didn't even have, CAMH being a place that didn't listen to my perspectives, and locked me in freezing cold isolation cells for days on end.  To me, that would be like pissing on my grave, and I needed to tell my story anyway.

"The Exorcist" still holds up as a classic horror movie, and though I can't relate to all phenomena in it, I enjoyed it.  I think what truly makes this piece disturbing, when it is, is seeing Linda Blair as a young girl saying and doing horrible, provocative things with herself, and imagining a child actor being instructed to do this.  That in itself is very creepy.


Tuesday, 17 March 2020

Fun with COVID-19: Riding out the pandemic... in style!

I had bought this old cybergoth respirator mask very many years ago from a local goth subculture shop.  I can't recall how much I paid for it, but it was an impulse buy, and the mask was later put away in storage, as I began to shy away from the whole rivethead look with time.  But now, due to COVID-19, I'm rather glad I bought the damn thing, because it means I can go out and about and run my errands while feeling like Tank Girl.  (It needed a repair when I dug it out, but that was nothing a trip to Canadian Tire couldn't fix - I just needed a nut and bolt to reattach one of the straps to the mask.)

People seeing me wear it already want one, and have asked where I bought it, including a girl with a compromised immune system who is very worried about this pandemic.  I am not sure what is happening with the mail system right now, but I wonder if cybergoth is going to make a mild comeback, if people are ordering masks like these, because they are a lot more interesting to look at than wimpy dust or surgical masks.  (BTW, that's a functioning respirator with real cartridges - there's decoration over the filters, which might make breathing slightly more challenging, but the filter is functional, so it's real protection.  People wondered how functional it was - it's real, it just looks like pure novelty.)

As bizarre as this sounds, part of me is very hopeful about this COVID-19 thing.  I feel in my gut that, despite the deaths, this might be exactly what Mother Nature wants... it may even force current systems that are in place to re-examine themselves.  I'm not one who is politically up on everything going on in the world, but in my gut, I am not afraid, I am not the least bit worried.  I am looking out for my needs, being cautious, and staying on top of everything.  Work hours have been cut, but I think things won't get that bad for me.  People in my circles are looking out for one another with supplies, which is a nice demonstration of the heart.  In the mildest of ways, this is like a lame, enforced version of Burning Man, just in that I see people looking out for one another's needs, and this is a bit of a break from the standard day to day reality.

I think one of my next articles will be a re-examination of the classic horror movie, "The Exorcist", which I haven't seen since before demonic possession.  Coming out of the experience, I want to watch this movie again, and write about how I feel about it now.  I have it on DVD, purchased second hand from BMV... I didn't watch it immediately after I bought it, because it is rather hard to watch on a bad day.


Sunday, 15 March 2020

A freaky incident with a Jesus prayer candle...

Yikes, sinners - I think God is sending me a very clear sign not to be dabbling in any kind of "spellcraft", and it's powerful!  This made my hair stand on end!

A delightful goth boy who loves all things witchy reached out to people on Facebook and asked that we do what we can spiritually with prayer, magick, and intention to curb the current pandemic.  Seeing as I had a free day, I was in the market and saw inexpensive Jesus prayer candles.  So I bought one and brought it home to do a Christian folk magick spell with it against the worsening of COVID-19, as an experiment.

I set intentions with it through prayer, lit the candle, and as I was reciting a psalm, the flame sizzled out in a spark before I could get that far into the recitation.  I found the wick to be impossible to ignite again, and on the last attempt to do so, a large crack formed in the glass of the prayer candle - a powerful sign that God doesn't want me to engage in this.  I guess any "witchy" experimentation phase I had is now over - the Lord hath spoken.

When I did a psychic reading on it, I got that Jesus says I am simply not to engage in this kind of thing anymore - I am just to pray when I want to enact change, this is not to be a part of my spirituality.  It's not that God was ticked or anything like that, it's simply something I am not to do.  I take signs like this very seriously, after what I have been through.

I will likely still light prayer candles in churches, but no more folk magick.  So, I guess I am a mystic after all, it seems, not a magician.  Either that, or COVID-19 is something I should just not bother combating with things like this, and God is showing me this with a very powerful sign.


Saturday, 14 March 2020

My current feelings on this COVID-19 situation...

Everything feels like this right now.

I was just at a local Indian restaurant for lunch, where I discussed the coronavirus with the owner after paying my bill, and we had some laughs over it.  While we agreed that it's wise that precautions be taken to ensure public health and safety, we found some of the attitudes unfortunate that we have encountered in people affected by bans and closures.  One example is the whole toilet paper hoarding thing - some are selling bags of TP on Kijiji for ridiculous prices, trying to cash in on the necessity for these items.  While I don't want to hop on the ageist, ableist bandwagon of saying "it's no big deal - it's only dangerous for the elderly and the compromised", I wish people would relax a little bit.  I, for one, refuse to live in fear, after what I have been through in other areas of my life.

Although some have been a bit peculiar in their attitudes and with all the hoarding (and also with some racism directed at the Chinese, for example), there seems to be a touch of solidarity involved in this as well, which I hope might be a great lesson from this for society.  When I was demonically possessed, I was completely alone in it - no one understood the sorrow I felt, the fear and dread that I might have to kill myself so as not to be a time bomb waiting to go off, the fact that most people brushed it off as schizophrenia and refused to understand what I was dealing with.  This situation, to me, seems more like an interesting lesson rather than something "apocalyptic"... it might, in the end, be a great teacher.  Again, I don't want to dismiss the lives of those who actually have been harmed by the pandemic, but perhaps there is a message in all of this.  I feel there's a sense of community in what is going on, rather than a loneliness, like the one I felt when I was being subjugated by something only I knew was affecting me.

Having lived through one of the worst case scenarios for a human soul and survived, I try to be as optimistic as I can with things, so I take on a sense of hopefulness that we'll figure out how to put all this behind us.  Worrying is never worth it - concern and caution are useful in keeping safe, but worry will just confuse the mind and lead to rash decisions.  I still live with anxiety from time to time, but have been able to curb a lot of it with my spiritual practice.

Hopefully the world finds a vaccine soon, that a solution is discovered - in the meantime, I'm going to wash my hands, wear gloves at work, and stay confident that there might be riches to be found in all of this.


Wednesday, 11 March 2020

Tarot lap table...

I began to use an old piece of plywood as a lap table on a pillow when doing readings on my couch.  I wanted to decorate it to look nicer than it was, so I painted it and now it has this golden sun on it.  Just a little art project to try and get back into the swing of making things again.

I decided my business card logo was just too scary with the creepy eye over the heart, so I borrowed this sun and pasted it over the old design.  Witches and occultists might have liked the eye heart, but any suburbanite named Karen may have wanted to flee in terror at the sight of it, so I figured something more conventional and friendly than the first design was better.  It looked like, with the first design, I might have been all about omens of death, once I thought about it a bit more.  People aren't usually as odd as I am about design.  (Also - although I am a decent enough illustrator, I know nothing about graphic design, so everything I come up with is a shot in the dark.)

Went thrifting today to see what kinds of Catholic oddness I could come across.  Not much was found on this hunt - I did find an oval shaped piece of the Holy Family, surrounded by seashells, which was tacky enough, but it was almost too much to know what else to do with it, so I didn't get it.  I feel like if I can't figure out within 10 minutes what to do with something, I might never, and so my hunch was to return the piece to the shelves.

My current suspicion is that my third eye, which is clearly open, perhaps never should have been opened, and so now I am focusing my efforts on closing it.  It is my heart centre (also open), not my third eye, which allows me to experience true psychic perception.  Third eye opening is only meant for some people, it seems.  The demon must have opened mine up, not Divinity, so it created a lunacy in me from it, one I need to recover from.  I am hoping a closing of the third eye will mean a quieter mind, less tension headaches, and less anxiety.  At least I feel heart dominant right now - when I was third eye dominant years ago, it was horrible.


Tuesday, 10 March 2020

A new idea for an art series...

My muse might be waking up again, sinners!  I just came up with a fun idea of what my next artistic theme might be, and I wanted to share it:

I often see odd looking Catholic kitsch at thrift stores when I go to scout for interesting things, and it hit me today that I should consider buying some of it and upcycling it as surrealistic works of art.  Maybe there's some weird Virgin Mary piece I could give an interesting collage treatment, or a statue of a patron saint I could decorate with paint in some way, giving it irony.  I have sort of touched on this a bit with the decorated goth collar, the Our Lady of Guadalupe jacket, and the Sister Penance shoes, but it could be an ongoing theme.  I am really into pop surrealism, paintings by Mark Ryden, for example, and I would like to take pre-existing kitsch and run it through a strange surrealistic filter to see what I could come up with.

I am sure this kind of thing has been done before, but seeing as very little is truly original in this world, I want to explore what I could personally do with it.  Maybe the theme could relate to what is truly sacred, in the guise of looking slightly "blasphemous".  I like the name "Holy Blasphemy!", and this might be the name of the series, if I decide this should be my next project.

As a campy fag hag, I find that there is often a fine line between good and bad taste, and I want to explore it.  It would be fun to take some of this strange stuff and reinvent it to have meaning beyond mass produced religious objects.  I have mentioned it elsewhere and already several people think it's a great idea.  If done right, it could appeal to both devout Catholics who are a little bit eccentric, as well as atheists who love to collect weird religious things.

(BTW, the Sister Penance shoes need a good soldering on the loops to stay latched in place - one time when I wore them out, they became unlatched and I had to fix them.  They may end up being just an art piece, at least for a while, because of this issue.  They also kind of kill my feet, because I am not used to wearing heels - eek!)


Monday, 9 March 2020

My writing style: How it evolved...

Time for an article on my comic writing style and how it evolved, growing to become what it became.  This'll be a breakdown of my creative journey:

The original "Asylum Squad" comics were highly amateur, rather insulting, "animu" type shit that I came out with shortly after high school, when I was just fucking around with a silly idea, and not really giving it my all.  I still have many copies in storage that I don't know what to do with - they might get shredded or go up in flames someday, as I don't want to sell them or even give them away... I find them highly embarrassing.  Still, they were the prototype, and there was something to the general idea of mentally ill superheroes that I was enjoying, so I didn't fully abandon the loose set of ideas, though the series would drastically change in many ways with time.  I quickly came to learn that I was never going to be a real mangaka, embraced it for what it was, and decided on a revamp.

The art improved, but the writing still had a long way to go.  I actually have an unpublished graphic novel that was "v 2.0" that will never see itself to print, because I find it pretentious as hell.  It was basically the same story, only with a slicker look, and I had clearly not understood myself or the mental health system well enough at that point to truly have anything relevant to say... I had not suffered enough yet to wisen.  Fortunately, for my writing at least, suffer I would, and so I later returned to comics with something highly warped, but much more interesting.  This was "Asylum Squad Side Story: The Psychosis Diaries".

That book was a training grounds for getting my mind back into making comics, but because I was so frail at the time, I decided on an "arthouse" experimental underground comics format that was almost more like a zine than a comic, so I didn't need to focus on cinematic flow when I was not sophisticated enough as a mind to execute it.  This book was also a big, cathartic purge for my psyche, to help me to process things I was going through, and to blend it with pure fiction, to experiment with storytelling in a kind of stream of consciousness type of narrative.  As a plot, it structurally sucked, and though many people still loved it, it is also considered a very emotionally heavy, sad book, and all those I know who read it had to do so incrementally, for it was an exhausting read.  That was kind of the point, to make it wordy and overwhelming, to help people to feel the weight of what I was trying to explain.  I see it as a work of art rather than a comic in some ways... I was having a phase where I was really into being an art world indie kid and I was listening to a shit ton of dream pop and shoegaze, so that kind of added to the weird dreamy aesthetic.  Finishing it, after the retraining and catharsis, I wanted to embark on a finer piece of comic work, and returned to cinematic storytelling with the plot based comics.

Ty Templeton, a comics instruction guru and working professional, helped me to learn the art of crafting finer comic writing, and his courses were worth every penny, as he described formulas he uses to draft effective plots for commercial comics.  He also ended his writing course with the instructions to take his rules of writing, and to break them - to know the tropes, and make new of them with interesting variations.  Looking back on the original work, and what was fun about it, I revisited the superhero piece, but this time in a way that would work for the new world I had created, one that was much more serious.

I aspired to create brilliant satire that would be packaged as something fun and pop culturally appealing... I am not sure how this series will go down as something of brilliance, but that was the goal.  I have a knack for knowing elements that make for a fun story, so I had to consider how I would weave an important message into something that was also a joy to read as a comic book.  It was tricky for the longest time, as the message wasn't initially clear, only that I knew it had to do with spirituality and how the mental health system is full of holes.  I consider this a rather punk comic, because of the tone and attitude in it, and the fact that it's very political with Mad Pride adds to its punk appeal.  Sometimes, when I try to break down what the plot is like, I say it's like a raw combo of "Girl, Interrupted", "The Breakfast Club", "Sailor Moon", "Scott Pilgrim", and "Inception" - and sometimes, "Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors".  (I do not like it when it gets compared to "Sucker Punch".)

I've mentioned this elsewhere, but because the "Jung Ones" arc was so over the top, I felt the epilogue had to amp it up to 11 in some way again, so that the story didn't end on a boring, low note.  I worried that people were thinking the comic became a drag after the Anja Project, and with that part of the series being very cinematic and wild, something needed to come into the plot to make the overall story worth reading, perhaps even for a second time.  In fact, I wonder if it reads better once you know what the ending is? 

I am going to have to sit down with all the published books again and see how, in one sitting, everything flows, once that final graphic novel is in my hands.


Thursday, 5 March 2020

Comic update: At the printers!

I dropped everything off at my printers yesterday on a flash drive, along with a financial deposit to get the ball rolling.  My printing friends are aiming to get the book in my hands by May 29th - I won't be doing Anime North this year, I am just too tired... but the book launch will happen.  It will be sometime early in June if I can swing it, and the venue will likely be Disgraceland, since I had already talked to the owner and he agreed to help me out.  More details to come as progress is made - I will make a flyer for the launch sometime as well.

Psychic readings continue to improve - I hung out with my teacher the psychic man after the printer delivery yesterday, and read a woman, who said that everything I touched on was relating to things she was struggling with.  Later, at karaoke, I randomly read a man who swore by me.  So that's progress.

I can't recall how much I mentioned before, but I think the field is fading now.  I had to work more with Jesus, who is clearing it out, and also with the Holy Spirit.  I have to admit I was stumped on how to work with Jesus because there were a few pieces of the puzzle I had to figure out with Him - I had to confirm, utter prayers in relation to growing closer with Him, embarking on a Christian path, then things began to move ahead.  Sometimes I would get so frustrated I would reach out to other gods because despite the fact I knew He was a presence in my life, I didn't get why things weren't moving forward very much for the longest time.  This is a major corner I am turning, and one piece of evidence is how strong my readings are getting.  Surely, if I was seriously spiritually unwell, that wouldn't be possible?

I do fear neurological sensitivity, or some odd kind of brain damage from this a bit, still.  There's just something about me in some way that's weaker than I feel it should be.  Slight auditory hallucinations that happen randomly (not voices, but noises, like a twig breaking, or glass shattering, or something like that), a propensity to break down and cry from weariness, a lethargy that comes over me, tension headaches I can't get rid of that happen sometimes daily... I just don't feel right.  I wish they'd give me a PETscan to see what's going on in there, but psychiatry doesn't use those for diagnosis, only research.  I feel sensitive and sometimes quite vulnerable.  Lately, it's been hard to stay out too late without getting tired - surely this isn't just growing older... I'm only 37!

The demon did take its toll on my body, I am more lined than I used to be, I have greys coming in, I feel I have aged from this in some ways, though people still tell me I look good.  I am happy to finally be at the finish line of my torment, and to have Divinity guiding me by the hand.


Tuesday, 3 March 2020

Playing around with a business card design...

I thought I would screw around with a business card design for when I make the leap to doing the psychic lady thing.  I came up with the idea of having a flaming heart with an eye over it, because when I read, my heart centre is the dominant chakra, so this logo is an indicator of that.  The starry background suggests a psychic vibe, too.  I am not sure if the heart will scare people, but I wanted something mystical and unusual looking.  I drew the heart with water soluble wax pastels and played with it in Photoshop until it looked right.  My stage name and email are not displayed here, as I am not in business right now.  I have friends in printing (the same who print the comics) - they are going to print these cards for me.  I left the font choice up to them, because they have better fonts than I do, and a better eye for font selection.  My mentor thinks I am doing well as a reader, and I have been back again in his shop to do readings.  Response has been favourable - people I read for have confirmed that I have read known details accurately.

I might table at WITCHfest 2020 this year - I am sure I will have more confidence by then as a reader.  Maybe I'll even sell some art... I should move some stuff, if I can.  I'm incrementally getting more into art again, doing little things here and there.

Oh - and I drop the comic files off at the printers tomorrow, with a down payment.  The book launch will likely happen mid spring, if all goes well.  <3


Sunday, 1 March 2020

Channeled insights on Heaven and Hell...

Some more stuff that came through channel - worth it as food for thought, this time about Heaven and Hell.  Thought I'd compose another article to explore these ideas:

Christendom tends to view Heaven and Hell as places one goes to after dying - if you are good, you go to Heaven, if you are bad, you are punished in Hell.  I find these basic understandings make no sense, especially considering the kinds of Hell saints have experienced, people who were destined for Heaven.  Even Jesus was said to have descended into Hell.  While channeling, I received a message that Heaven is not a place, but is rather a state of bliss that presents to the soul as if it were a place, and is a bliss based on the very things that said person found to be enjoyable.  So, I guess rather like life itself, it's like a kind of a dream, a very good dream, and it can be attained from adhering to the right path meant for one's soul, and some Christian techniques (depending on what they are) often help a person achieve this bliss state, if the Christian path is right for their soul's journey.  Since Heaven is exactly what you desire, the Marquis De Sade, provided he made it into Heaven, might have seen whips and chains, fire and brimstone - so Heaven might look more like a death metal video if the person was naughty in some way.

Hell, on the other hand, is a state of horror, and can happen if things go wrong with the soul, particularly if one is involved with the corruption in Spirit.  Hell is not a punishment, Hell is a flaw that should not exist.  It also presents as a place, and is exactly what you don't like - so a person who has a hatred of Hello Kitty might end up being tortured in a weird way by her as a result.  I am getting that eventually Hell will cease to be, when God can correct the corruption, because it is not what God wants, it's a byproduct.

So what punishes the wicked, correcting them?  Karma's job is to be the great teacher and corrector, I am channeling - karma will punish true sinners through events and lifetimes, and reward those who advance their souls correctly.  I think Buddhist philosophy holds some fine examples as to how to work with karma better, no matter the path of the seeker.  I am Christ oriented, and I still find gems in Buddhism in this regard.

Another thing about sin that I channeled - it is a highly confused concept in Christendom as well.  Sin is a byproduct of creation, and the corruption is a result of a flaw being generated during the creation of time.  Sin affects everything, leading to negative acts and deeds, but I think Christians get this wrong because I see it as something affecting everything that can lead to "sinful" acts, one should try to avoid committing these acts, but so much is labeled sin, of course, that shouldn't be.  Original sin is just the corruption that exists in nature, and through practice one can purge themselves of this corruption, moving on to better states.  Prayer and knowing what to pray for from using contemplation techniques can help one to be rid of sin, and to relate better to the world.  Karma and sin are not the same, but sin can influence karma and karma can go weird due to sin.

Interesting food for thought.  I wonder what a priest would think of these ideas!


Wednesday, 26 February 2020

Cover colours...

Behold - I finally coloured the cover!  Prepping for printing at the studio should be just around the corner!

Creativity is slowly creeping back into my life - I am designing a business card right now as well.  The only things left to do for preparation involve one more scan of a recently inked page that is a recap section, and perhaps a bit more work on bonus content, then it's off to get put together at the printers.  I will have to pay them incrementally, since my recent hospitalization meant work hours were reduced temporarily, so I fell back a bit financially, and have to save up again.  My printers are friends, so they let me pay in stages sometimes.  I expect a spring release, and have already found a likely venue.

Please keep reading on here to find out about the launch, if you are in the Toronto area, and of course for info on shops in the area that will carry this book.


Why baptisms should only be performed on adults: A theory...

Interesting insights in channel recently, and they make sense to me, so I thought I would share them.  I thought this article to be relevant due to the fact that despite being a baptized infant, I was not sufficiently protected by Divinity when I was spiritually affected by dark forces.  Here we go:

So, when I was very young, I think it was in my first year, I was baptized in the Anglican church by a bishop, but my parents did not really raise me terribly religiously.  I wondered why a baptism by a bishop wouldn't "take", considering my outcome, but now I think I have come to the real conclusion about this - will was not a factor in the process, because I was too young to have any say in the event.  I think about this now, receiving this insight, and have decided that baptism should only be given to adults, who are old enough to know that they wish to embark on the Christian path, because an adult is at a level of maturity where they can correctly give consent and thus commit to Christian practice.  As a result, the Spirit responds to the rite, and the baptism means more spiritually than just as a symbol of commitment.  Infant and child baptisms are symbolic, but I don't trust, in my experience with mine, that they have any significant spiritual power, because I was not involved in the decision to get baptized.  An adult can decide that this happens for them, a child is just going along with it.

In a way, I am glad I wasn't raised religious.  I think being raised heavily religious can damage a person's natural curiosity to explore their souls and the needs of the soul, and though perhaps religious overtones can help with a spiritual education, I feel that in my culturally yet not religiously Anglican upbringing, I was allowed to figure things out on my own, while the option of going to church was always there.  I was only spiritually curious, really, by high school, and my parents were very good about me exploring things like Wicca when I was seeking - it turned out not to be the right path for me, but I am glad I was allowed to figure it out without being sternly corrected.  Some people might make better Buddhists, for example, than Christians, if the needs of their soul would benefit from that kind of path over the Christian one, so a child should be allowed to explore without judgement.  That being said, I feel certain occult paths are unsafe for kids, and I would caution about that a bit too.

Perhaps children should be raised culturally in their family's chosen religion, to allow exploration, but not religiously so, and when they reach adulthood, they can make their own decision.  This makes more sense to me than forcing religion on kids.


Monday, 24 February 2020

Psychic world stuff...

I had an opportunity yesterday to train as a newbie psychic under my mentor by offering free readings at his personal parlour.  What happened is that the second last time I was there, I gave him a reading and he was impressed enough to tell me I was ready to try in the training grounds under him.  So, from 1-8 pm, I hung out at his place of business and when people came in and were willing for me to read them for free, I took them on.  If they wanted him, they had to pay, him being a master and professional.

The first reading was slightly wonky, as the person being read was not the finest English speaker, so I tried to pace the channel, which in the end caused information to be broken up and thus come through rather oddly.  Either I will be able to adjust this with prayer work, or I am still learning what my limits are.  But the rest of the readings seemed to result in satisfied "customers" - I got a tip from one of them, and another was extremely impressed.  Friends came by to get read, and all in all it was a good day.

One thing that my mentor is cautioning me about the psychic world is that so many like to cut each other in half, badmouth each other, or even cast spells and hexes against each other, to stop them from being outperformed.  It sounds like less refined readers do this against the good ones, and that good ones are confident enough not to go in this direction.  I wondered about how psychics are with each other - it kind of made me laugh and think of the catty backstabbing in movies like "Showgirls", or perhaps this is even a Christopher Guest mockumentary waiting to be made.  It was also shocking but perhaps not surprising.  I find in the world of indie comics, cartoonists support one another, propping each other up and buying each other's work, so it's sad to hear that this is not so in the psychic business.  I will be sure to keep my nose clean, and to not generate gossip.

One other thing - I guess I am a Christian after all.  Recently, I was attending a Catholic mass and prayed under my breath to be "confirmed".  Once that had happened, I later found that my readings lit up like Christmas tree, and have been strong ever since, according to others I have read.  I am working closer with Jesus now.  I am not going to be conservative about it, but this seems to be the path that suits the needs of my soul the best, and there are plenty of cool Christians out there, I have met several of them.  It's just a lot of mainstream stuff that rubs me the wrong way, as of course it does many.


Friday, 21 February 2020

"Asylum Squad": Why I chose the ending I chose (instead of the alternative)...

I'd like to share a statement article on why the ending I used for my comic was chosen, as opposed to the one that was initially planned, where the two boarding school boys using the ouija board were talking to what looked like the horse demon, in another part of the world:

So, the first ending was one I thought was going to work, a while back, when a lot of the story had yet to be constructed.  It seemed to have a mystique that I liked, which suggested some truths to the idea that spirituality was a real factor in Liz Madder's psychological distress, and that it was not just a delusion.  But the problem was in that it was vague, and I couldn't find satisfaction in its conclusion.  Something was left too loose and too up for interpretation for me, thus not likely to satisfy the reader, I would imagine.  It meant it wasn't really making a statement about anything, it was just eerie.  Around the time of my father's death, it was very hard to focus on finishing what I was doing with the comic, and the fact that I had this ending that I didn't believe in made the home stretch really difficult to complete - I simply was bored with it.

About a year later, during the remainder of my hiatus, the new ending popped into my mind randomly as a kind of joke, thinking about how funny it would be if she turned out to be a canonized Catholic saint.  I snickered - then, my channel began to speak through me, encouraging me to consider this the ending, once I had tweaked it a little more.  I had to go back in the comic series and re-read all the Catholic overtones that appeared in the books, to see if all tied together well.  There are various scenes that almost seamlessly act as runners in the narrative to suggest her future in the church - among them are the crucifix falling from the wall as a supernatural hint, the exchange between Nurse Thora and Liz with the Bible, the dream sequences, and of course the library scene in which she invokes an angel through her plea to St. Dymphna.  That scene with the angel transforms from being perhaps the hallucination of a madwoman in despair to a relevant mystical encounter in one panel, when the comic concludes with the painting I made, thus turning everything upside down, and making a mental health story into a novice mystic's coming of age character study.  The statement at the end, as well, as she lays flowers beneath the statue of St. Dymphna, makes relevant commentary about what I feel is lacking in modern mainstream psychiatry - understanding of the soul, and working with it properly.  It is also a statement about hope, which is something I feel is lacking in the prognosis people are often given in psychiatric treatment.  The statement was intended to be subtle, not pretentious, and I hope it was delivered.  So yes, Asylum Squad is a mental health comic, but at its core it was written for people in spiritual distress, and ultimately, that was my prime target audience.

The ending took a while to find, because I had to find myself to understand fully what it was that I was trying to say.  Thankfully, despite things I might have changed were I to write it again, I think it all came together well.  Sorry it's taking me such a long time to get this final book together - because I became ungrounded recently, I have taken to working once again on levelling out and feeling my art once more.  There is so little left to do to put the files together so it's rather absurd that it's taking this long, but my mind is still concentrating on my soul a lot.  The Spirit encourages me to get back to my art, and to stop being The Hermit.  I promise it will come out sooner or later, and my goal right now is for the late spring.


Thursday, 20 February 2020

"I Am the Anti-Pope"...

Zlad - "I Am the Anti-Pope"

Hey atheists - this could be us!


Tuesday, 18 February 2020

Why God is such an "asshole": My theory...

I was reading up on St. Margaret Mary Alacoque yesterday, because I wanted to research more on saints who were devoted to the Sacred Heart.  I was rather shocked at how harsh God was with her, it seems He wanted her to suffer, which she was perfectly willing to do for Him.  Her life seemed to already be full of suffering, so it seemed rather unfair, and so she's another case of a saint who had very strange mystical encounters with the Divine.  So why is this?  And why is God often acting as such an oppressive asshole?  I have a theory, sinners, if you care to hear me out.

I have discussed the corruption in Spirit on here before, what the Christians call "Satan", what Hindus might call "Kali" (not Goddess Kali, but the demon of Kali Yuga), and all that comes of the evil in the Spirit.  I think these evil sources are a mystery to everyone, so again, these observations come from my own experiences, from channeling and lived experience with sinister forces.  The Lurianic Kabbalists would probably suggest that it was a flaw in the creation of the universe that led to the Sephirot shattering, generating a byproduct in the Spirit that led to the creation of evil itself.  Devils would have been born out of this corruption in creation.

My theory is that Satan, or whatever you want to call this evil, acts in a sense as a kind of strange effect or filter in the Spirit, that makes it nearly impossible for humanity to accurately understand the true will of God, at least not consistently with every mystic that ever was.  Some saints report great beauty and love from God, others seem almost tormented by Him.  St. Margaret Mary Alacoque, I also read, was harassed by the devil, so perhaps Satan influenced how God presented to her during her encounters with Divinity.  Satan influenced the tone, in this case.

Perhaps the devil wants to play with the way humanity relates to God, and in turn this has shaped the way religion views, depicts, and understands Divinity.  So the Catholics see God as a stern taskmaster who wants strange things for His people, but I suspect there's something odd about that understanding, and likely God is indeed all-loving and evil does something strange with the tone, influencing it, the same way evil influences everything on this planet.  Humanity's fall from nature is another example of how the planet is in some ways working against itself because of corruption - humans are easily influenced by hidden forces, being highly spiritually sensitive creatures, so any corruption might easily affect societies, and therefore of course religion as well.  The result is a lot of miserable Catholics, for example, wondering what the fuck God wants from them.  It's not God, it's evil corrupting humanity's connection and relationship to God, and it was always there in some way, but perhaps in modern times it has gone in a strange direction.

I see hope on the horizon when I hear of things like fungus discovered that grows inside the walls of the reactor of Chernobyl, fungus that seems able to "eat" radiation.  Also, I seem to recall hearing of enzymes discovered that can consume plastics.  Nature is attempting to correct itself, I see things like this as the Hand of God - in this case, the Sacred Feminine, the Great Mother.  Satan has influenced the way humanity relates to nature, but I don't see nature tolerating this forever, and I get the sense She will purge us of this when it can be done.  I am not as "Mea Culpa" about humanity and its effect on nature as some, I see us more as silly than evil, but this is because of hidden influences on us, as well as other effects on the natural world.  There is a bit more hope in me for the fate of this planet than some... call me a fool, but I just don't buy that Mother Nature is going to tolerate Her end without a good fight.

God, when I knew it was Him, was always gentle with me, but there has been great confusion in my channeling.


UPDATE: Forgot to add the obvious - God sometimes plays strange roles with humanity to urge them in the right direction, in the ways that would incite a person to listen.  So there's that reason too.  Also, religion often plays up an angry God as a means of controlling its followers, but everyone knows that.

Sunday, 16 February 2020

More Sacred Heart stuff...

I am beginning to suspect that what I feel in my heart is unique to only some, and not what most Christians and/or Christ devotees experience.  What I can describe is a warm, soft glowing light, like a loving sun, in my heart centre, that never leaves me, and feels ignited with powerful, graceful love from the Spirit.  Am I a recipient of the Heart of Jesus?

My lack of a religious education means that I am puzzled by the concept of the Sacred Heart.  It's something I will likely seek to study more, to make sense of what I feel in my chest, and have felt, since that day in the summer of 2015 when I felt Christ enter my life.  Since this sensation in my chest began, self injury has been harder to do to myself, since my arms force themselves from doing what I tend to do when I feel self destructive, and there's a powerful element of protection.  I feel aglow, without obviously looking like I am glowing, but there's a lightness in my soul and it's as though I feel I radiate something.

Yesterday, at work, in my prayers to St. Jude, I was able to consecrate myself to the Sacred Heart, something I was trying to do with novenas that I guess weren't moving me ahead.  St. Jude, I have once again decided, is my go to patron saint, he seems to be the doorway to Jesus that I in particular need to work with.  I am not sure why it had to be a specific way, but now I am aware that when in doubt, I must turn to this saint.  I have a St. Jude chaplet I have used on and off as well, and even though I have also felt the aid of St. Anthony, it is St. Jude who is probably my truest patron saint, after all.

The dark field seems to weaken steadily as I work with the Psalms, devotional prayers, and other techniques.  It's as though a sensation of soothing bliss emanates in my core as I feel it weaken, for it has been an irritant in my soul that causes even my physical body to ache in discomfort.  My mind feels slightly more at ease, be it with practice or the CBD, yet I have felt a bit depressed as of late, due to the recent hospitalization and the exhaustion of the past 13 and a half years.  It's like I don't even know what direction to take my life anymore.  If I could get back into my art, that might help a little, but I find it hard to do so when my desperation to be free of all darkness is at the forefront of my desires.

Perhaps there are some interesting books out there on the Sacred Heart of Jesus, or the saints who have had devotions to it.  I guess it's off to the Catholic bookstore with me again at some point!


Tuesday, 11 February 2020

Further experiences with CBD...

I can't say I have consumed enough to notice a major difference, but there is at least a subtle change in my mind since I began consuming CBD marijuana.  It's safe to say it has been therapeutic, and I definitely want to discuss this with my psychiatrist when I next meet with her, since she may have further input.

I do feel a similar enough pot feeling to that which I felt when I used to recreationally use THC type weed, but this is more of the euphoria and body buzz variety than of anything psychological.  Actually, there is kind of a psychological feeling, but it is not one that distracts the mind, sending it on a strange journey, or anything like that - it feels deeply relaxing and renewing.  In between sessions with the CBD, I feel a sense of mental strengthening that suggests there is an underlying change in my neurology that might be going on.  I have read that CBD is good for various mental health concerns, so any psychological damages I have acquired from the pains of the past might be fading with this plant's use.  The old moderate pothead in me is slightly worried about returning to days where I'd do too much of this throughout the day, thus losing track of time, so I am trying to be responsible this time around, even though CBD is harder to abuse in this respect anyway.  I have been offered a free vape so once I receive that I am going to make the switch from smoking it to vaping it instead, to go easier on my lungs, which are not enjoying themselves.

Something interesting was known to happen with me and marijuana where I would get fascinating and convincing arguments to ideas in my head in conversation, and I could see them through and ignite interesting discussions about virtually anything, and this component appears to be back again, as I noticed this quality sneak in when I was discussing religion with friends the other day, and argued something about various spiritual approaches.  It's like my creative centres are firing again, where they might have been depressed for a while.  I hope that I can get back into art - of course I painted that "Our Lady of Guadalupe" piece while in hospital, but haven't touched art again since getting out.  The cover inks still need to be coloured, so maybe that will be the next mini project.

The one thing I miss from THC that CBD does not provide is the amazing things it did for listening to music, and some of my active imagination visionary states on THC blew my mind, amusing me immensely.  It's not worth it though, if it's going to muck up my psyche!  CBD might even be healing me of my ills, so I will keep updating on here about how things go with this.


UPDATE: I am getting the sense that I may someday soon begin to explore the active imagination experiences I had, which could come and go even without THC.  It's very funny how it presents - almost like it has an interface, like some quasi CP24 parody thing (that's a local news channel) spliced with a video game.  It's wild.  It was my Jungian analyst that pointed out what it was - active imagination.  I suspect Nikola Tesla may have had something similar, based on what I have read about him... Dr. Carl G Jung certainly had this.

Friday, 7 February 2020

One argument I came up with to suggest that my demon was real...

Thought forms were something I looked into a while ago when I was basically being brainwashed by mainstream psychiatrists into believing I wasn't dealing with a legitimate possession case.  My understanding of thought forms are that they are concentrated human thoughts or emotions that generate a kind of artificial form.  Some have explained away ghost phenomena with this argument.  I have also come to understand that the best way to defeat a negative thought form is to cease to give it attention or belief, and that this will weaken it.  So, when I believed that I had a vicious thought form, I experimented and attempted all I could to destroy it by cutting ties with any belief in it, trying to find explanations elsewhere, such as that I had had a bad kundalini awakening, or a chakra blockage from something, or anything but spirit possession.  Did it work?  Not at all.

Only when I embraced the idea that my demon was a real entity and it was up to me to remove it was it that I grew, I opened more to Spirit, and I acquired the understanding and tools to do anything about it.  Based on this logic, it is my opinion that this is a reasonable explanation to suggest that what I had here was no delusion, but instead something from a source beyond mere human understanding.  Life got more interesting, too, I had more confidence in myself (oddly enough), and I seemed to learn more about myself as a person.  I grew determined to defeat this, rather than bogged down with the fear that I would one day have to commit suicide (which is all I got out of believing in the psychiatric explanation), and something drove me to finish what I had started to fight many years before.

Though it now seems like I am still dealing with a mild aftermath which means that I still need medication to ease my mind, I am rid of a darkness that words fail to describe.  The only passages that best present the pain I endured come of the writings of some of the mystics I have read who had encounters with the diabolical.  This was horror that might have killed a weaker person easily, it's a good thing I am tough.

I am getting signs something is progressing in me again soon, or has been and may just be a bit awkward, and I am now feeling a bit more like my old self, since getting out of hospital.  The CBD seems to be healing me a little on an emotional level.  I just purchased a fancy glass pipe so that I don't have to use rolling papers, which probably have bad chemicals in the bleach.  Vapes are kind of pricey for me right now, and I don't expect to be hitting the pipe constantly, so for now that's what I'm using when I choose to inhale it.


Thursday, 6 February 2020

I bought some CBD after all...

I got a strong sense, both from research, former words from my psychiatrist, and yes - also some psychic channeling, that CBD was worth trying.  I still have some time off before returning to work next week, and there's a local (legal) dispensary near me, so I headed there and bought a bag of a high CBD, low THC marijuana, the strongest of the CBD strains with the lowest THC count that they had.  If anything was going to be safe on my mind, it was this.  It's called "Pure Sun CBD".

Though the woman there advised me to smoke it to release the CBD, I had heard a tea works too (as long as you also chew on the buds), and as a former smoker, if I can avoid smoking anything, I am going to do so.  I am even wary of vaping, so tea it was.  I boiled some water with the pot in it, just enough for a joint, and let it steep for a while.  Then I poured the tea and sipped away.

The result was a warm calm that crept over me, like a cozy blanket.  It felt like a high, sort of like what I remember, but without any weird mental reactions or stoner shit.  Also, emotionally I began to feel better than I have been feeling as of late, and it was soothing to the mind, unlike my last experience with marijuana.  This seems to be exactly what I needed.

I have quite a bit for several more pots of pot tea, and I get the impression that CBD can have profoundly healing effects, not just on the body or mind but also on the soul.  I wanted the buds, not the oil, because I get the sense pranically it would be stronger in plant form, and I want to use it as a spiritual medicine.  I am mentioning this use right now to catalogue any healing effects I might get from using CBD marijuana, so I can look back on changes as progress is made, should this be successful.

I was wary of trying any pot at all anymore, but I guess this really is safe for the mind.


UPDATE: I later tried smoking some, and yes - I can definitely handle this!  My mind even feels soothed by it, not bombarded, like it does with THC.  I get a euphoric feeling that feels more emotional than like some weird pot trip, and there's a sense of relaxation, but my mind doesn't go wonky.  Hopefully I can benefit psychologically and spiritually from the medicine of CBD.  Also, I am prone to tension headaches, so this could help with those as well.  Might invest in a vape device, or might just stick with the tea.

Antipsychotics and psychic readings...

I had this assumption that antipsychotics might have been clouding my abilities as a psychic, but now, with Latuda at least, I am abandoning that idea.  A lot of people in spirituality often believe that taking psych meds can harm one's spiritual growth, but I am not so convinced about that argument, at least when it has come to problems such as my own.

It seems the anti-fluoride types really hate the idea, for example... that it means the soul is stunted in its ability to make progress.  And certainly, I get how with some medications, the mind can be blunted to the degree where you lose touch with who you are.  But, when it comes to spiritual possession and its after effects on the brain, I think antipsychotics are almost necessary if one wants to get themselves out of such a situation.  A Buddhist nun friend of mine was one who suggested that Buddhists, at least, don't think psych meds are all bad, if they mean a person can cope better.

I had to begrudgingly come to accept that I needed some kind of drug of this class to cope with what was in my soul, for it had a tendency to take over my neurology and run amok with my consciousness.  With the drugs, it could still have a field day with my subconscious, but on drugs, at least, the ego conscious was left alone, and I could have the upper hand.  It was a scary reality that was tantamount to walking a tight rope, hoping I never forgot a dose.  Now it seems that despite my progress, there is still something mild perturbing the mind, so I needed to stay at 60 mg... 40 was just too low.  The good news is that my conscious wasn't severely impacted by this... but my readings went to shit.

Now I am trying to get what I once had psychically back, and I am assuming it's just a case of waiting for the drugs to level everything out at 60 mg again, and for my latest prayers to be answered.  The other reason I wanted to go to a lower dose, besides the assumption that maybe it would have made me a clearer channel, is that I wanted to train my brain to be at a lower dose for the eventual day I come off this stuff entirely, but also because I have had slightly higher than I should levels of cholesterol, and I suspect Latuda might be to blame.  So, the lower I can get away with, the better.  Too bad I jumped the gun with this.

Again, this wasn't a dreadfully serious thing, it was a hiccup.  The only annoying part now is waiting to be able to do what I was doing psychically, and the fact that the hospitalization zapped me of joy, and going out hasn't brought me any fun as of late.

BTW, even though I swore off marijuana, I am curious about CBD.  I want to talk to my psychiatrist about this more, since she specializes in medical marijuana.  THC is fucking horrible for me, but I want to see how CBD might react.  I did have some interesting spiritual reactions to the plant itself that I wonder about, very positive things.  I wish I could relive that, and I wonder if CBD would be similar in some ways.  This is an idea for the future.


PS: It's also possible that a shift in consciousness is making it hard to read right now... this has been known to happen with me in spurts.  It's always frustrating, but it doesn't last.  Things will remain a mystery until they are solved.

Monday, 3 February 2020

Playing with personae...

Time to get past this recent hospitalization and poop out more psychospiritual articles like the Randy Newman of spirituality blogging that I have become - here's one on the idea of wearing personae:

Persona is something that I have changed a great deal throughout my life, and I have several that I wear on and off at this point.  We all do, really, and often a person's main personae can change overtime.  Certainly, I have an authoritarian persona at work that is slightly more masculine (because of the kind of job I do).  With friends, my persona can change slightly depending on whom I am with.  I can't recall for the life of me which Myers Briggs personality type it said that I have, but it's one of the more outgoing ones, and I remember it saying that I have a chameleon-esque way of relating to others, and that I have the same personality type as Barack Obama.  I'm not that obsessed with the Myers Briggs thing the way some people are, I don't care that I am a more common type, not an INFJ or whatever.  Certainly, I will often shapeshift as a persona to adapt to whomever I am with, to keep the conversation interesting and comfortable.  That seems intrinsic to my character, no matter what persona I am working with at a time.

Sister Penance is kind of an adorkable nerd girl sexpot persona that I play with for this blog as a clown to simultaneously make fun of religious conservatism and fetish nuns, but also to explore my spirituality in a way that is self aware so that when I inevitably backtrack again and again on some of my understandings of self and my experiences, it's at least a good laugh the reminisce over, and thus less embarrassing.  She is not a bedroom persona - I've stated many times on here that I find sex stupid as hell (I'm Ace) so she's not that at all, it's more like a jester kind of role.  The Saraƒin on the last blog concentrated more on Mad activism, so there was a different tone to my persona with that time than there is now.

Clothing can really bring out a persona in me, depending on what I am wearing.  Half the time I dress like a witchy goth matriarch, and when that happens I present as a more dame-like character.  When I dress more like Rainbow Brite (because I do have days like that) I will behave more cutesy.  And of course, I have to wear a specific persona when talking to certain members of my family, depending on who they are.

Persona was a concept I played with a bit in "Asylum Squad" with the pseudo-Jungian Ajna Project, where the characters designed "Hero Personae" to wear in their sleep when battling their inner demons.  Some said this reminded them a bit of the "Shin Megami Tensei" games, and I guess there are some similarities between my comic and "Persona 3", especially.  Thinking back to some of the personae I played with as a younger woman and the ones I work with now - wow.  Night and day.  I am not the same person at all anymore, in so many ways.

I should pick my analyst's brain more about the concept of persona - we have discussed shadow to death, but not this area of Jungian psychology.  Then perhaps I can present more interesting ideas on here.


Saturday, 1 February 2020

Feeling weary...

I feel like my energy is shot to hell because of this recent hospitalization.  Privileges were stricter there than at CAMH, there was a hospital bracelet policy and depending on what colour you wore it meant you could leave the ward or not - when you could, it meant either with someone accompanying you only, or on your own (but only at certain hours and not off grounds).  One of my roommates (I had 3 - yikes!) snored like death metal so I needed heavy drugs and earplugs to sleep.  By the end, I was shuffling down the hall like a zombie, and they even asked if I had ever had catatonia because of how I was spacing out - for fuck's sake.  Still, it was in many ways less oppressive than other wards I have been on, and most of the staff were nice.  There was a lovely atrium in the hospital I would go to on off ward times to sit and try to enjoy myself.  It's good to be out, but I didn't get much sleep last night, and I feel like a boiled owl, as my grandmother would often say.

I had mentioned this on the weird post I later deleted, but I bought the new Pet Shop Boys album ("Hotspot") on my phone and it's one of the few delights I got to enjoy while I was there.  Apart from one or two songs I tend to skip, this is a wonderful classic PSB sounding collection that is sure to be one of my faves, most of the songs are immediately appealing.  Highlights for me are "Will o the Wisp", "Monkey Business", "Dreamland", and "Happy People".  There are a couple of tracks with a strong disco vibe, others sound more 80s, and there were even some dream pop elements to the instrumentation.  This is kind of like "Please" meets "Very" sometimes, a little bit.  Stuart Price, the producer on this album, really helps the Boys shine.  I hope they keep working with him.

I am so frustrated with my life as of late - what I wouldn't give not to be me for a while.  I know everyone tends to feel that way on and off, and I try to be brave and positive, but my problems are so bizarre and misunderstood that even a coma looks appealing right about now.  My life sometimes feels insulting to behold, I have learned not to expect anything positive - not to be negative in this case, but instead to be pleasantly surprised when the positive eventually does occur.  I don't want to die, but I do wish sometimes I could go to the other place and stop this strange ride.  It's exhausting and rather absurd what I have to live with on a daily basis.  Please don't see this as some cry for help, I am just bored with the way things are right now, and I can't always be optimistic.

I have a work leave of 10 more days, then I'm back at the grind.  For now, I am going to take it easy and try to get my life in order again.


Hospital discharge + some stuff about the Psalms...

I was discharged from the hospital yesterday.  I had posted a weird post that I later deleted about a scary premonition, but I now think it was just nonsense toying with me that led to me believing in that.  I think back to the writings of St. Teresa of Avila and her discussion of "reptiles" in "The Interior Castle" and I suspect I am dealing somewhat with the Spirit of Evil: that underlying evil presence in Spirit, and it's a matter of just clearing it completely from my life.  The entity is gone, that was a more intense, direct kind of evil, but this is just a strange presence that complicates things for me.  I think demons and evil are complex and humanity does not fully understand them at all, and this is something that haunts my life and causes me to have to check in to hospital from time to time, because of its effect on the mind.  Meds never remove this problem at any dose, but can make its impact on my thinking slightly better.  So be it tired neurology or the negative metaphysical, I felt I needed a brief stay, because I was getting worried and sleep was bad.  Nothing terrible happened, though.

I am experimenting with the Psalms as invocations with prayer to see if they will amplify my results.  A lot of Christian magicians and witches swear by them, and see the Psalms section of the Bible as a kind of incantation spellbook that can work for many things.  I had considered them before, but was unsure as to how to work with them.  So lately, I pray to Christ and then recite the specific Psalm and the intention for its use, and wait to behold any changes.  I had been doing a lot of this with a pocket Gideon bible during the last two days of my brief hospital stay.  I got some strong reactions, so maybe this could lead to a spiritual breakthrough.  Mainly, I was focusing on "deliverance" from my personal "reptiles".

My problems are more of an irritation now than any kind of subjugation.  They may cause me to muse about bizarre things on here, but hopefully their effect on my life will fade more with time, and then I will have more coherent, clear ideas and articles to present.  Again, this blog is presented with farce because of the idiosyncratic nature of what I have been through, so I hope at least some delight can be taken in its presentation, if the content seems flat out bizarre.


Wednesday, 29 January 2020

"Our Lady of Guadalupe" painting...

My first painting in eons - don't judge!

I got a piece of art started in art therapy the other day, then touched it up on my own just now.  This is kind of a folk Catholic, Mexican style piece in acrylics, namely in the primary colours.  I like doing psychedelic lines in my art so Our Lady of Guadalupe, with Her flaming aura, was bound to be an icon I'd tackle one day.  It felt therapeutic to paint again.  (BTW, She's crying here as my life right now leaves something to be desired.)

I might be discharged tomorrow, not sure yet.  They had to raise my meds to 60 mg again... I guess I'll be at this level for a while.  Because of the psychological torture in my brain from the entity for so long, it took its toll on my neurology, I suppose, and I just can't go as low as 40 mg right now.  Kind of a bummer.  Again, this was not a psychotic break, just a time of odd psychic input, and a rest that I desperately needed.  My mind is prone to anxiety and tears because of how funny my neurology can be, so I needed to get away from the outside world, too.  No voice hearing or anything - I don't think even psychiatry can consider it a kind of "schizophrenia" anymore.  They are certainly not using that language now.  What a relief.

More to come upon my discharge.


Monday, 27 January 2020

Gifts from others...

Hello, sinners -

I have received some lovely Catholic gifts from two visitors while here - displayed here is a picture of them.  One is a green St. Jude rosary and a St. Jude bracelet, both from Mexico from one friend who frequents that part of the world, the other is a pink icon bracelet from another friend.  Lovely to have these items here!  The staff confiscated my St. Benedict medal crucifix because of its chain... bummer.

Yesterday, while one guest was here, I was straining a bit to have a conversation... my mind feels slightly slow.  They haven't adjusted meds yet, so I guess that's a neurological shift happening.  I feel vulnerable and am not ready to leave.  Not feeling "psychotic" - no voice hearing or anything, just weird premonitions that may or may not prove to be true later.  We'll see.

For now, enjoy these cute religious fuck-ups I committed as a child:

- When I was a toddler, my parents decided to try the religious life with me with a trip to a local Anglican cathedral, where a bishop was presiding that day.  This was around the time Pope John Paul II was touring Canada, so I would always say to my mother (an ex-communicated Roman Catholic) "MOM - the Pope show is on!" if something was on TV.  So when the old white man with the funny hat and the crook came down the aisle in the Anglican cathedral, I stood up on the pew in my pretty Sunday best and shouted at the top of my lungs "IT'S THE POPE!".  Everyone roared, including the bishop himself.  My parents never tried taking me to service again, except for funerals and weddings.

- Buying into that "you can achieve anything that you set your mind to" shit kids are peddled all the time, I had heard of Jesus and his miracles at 2 years old and decided to give walking on water a shot.  So, at a swimming pool, I went to the deep end, took a stride, and went straight to the bottom.  Dad had to dive in to save me from drowning.  It took me many years to finally learn how to swim because of how traumatizing that event was.

- There were a lot of Mormon ads from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, but I always heard it as "Bladder Day Saints".  My mother had to correct me on this because I kept talking about the "Bladder Day Saints" commercials and it was making everyone roar.

- Some Jehovah's Witness pamphlet came our way with an extremely bloodied Jesus hanging on a cross, but the depiction looked a lot like my father, who was also a bearded man.  So I was rather horrified and said "What did they do to Dad?!  He's hanging on a door!"

There's probably more but these are the most prominent examples that come to mind.  I was a really cute weirdo as a child.  xD

No idea how long I am in hospital, I am playing it by ear.  If this neurology shift continues, it could mean a while.  Just going to play it by ear.  I'm finding it very hard to psychically read anything today.  I was warned of this as well.  :(


Thursday, 23 January 2020



Another premonition came true!  I am now in a psychiatric unit in a general hospital.  I am happy I am getting more psychic, I am disappointed it had to play out this way.

On Tuesday night, as I was trying to sleep, I kept getting roused awake by something, and was urgently advised to call for assistance.  So I dialed 911, very nervously, and had to deal with a shitty operator.  Two cops came and escorted me to CAMH (no handcuffs this time - too bad, the blonde pig was rather attractive!) and I was voluntarily admitted.  The ER was pandemonium and it took a very long time to get my own gurney to lie on - this is getting much worse with time at the CAMH ER.  Some of the raunchiest men cussed and cussed and I got no sleep for 48 hours.  I had the choice of waiting up to several days in the ER for a room on the CAMH Women's Ward, or to go to another hospital.  So I chose to accept the bed elsewhere.

This ward ain't the prettiest but the staff are quite nice and it's less oppressive than other mental wards I have been on.  I went because of a looming feeling of something coming, a sense of dread, and the worry of being alone with what I sensed.  It seems psychiatry is actually listening to me more - they are not shooting down my theories, they seem to acknowledge my ideas a bit better.

I think Spirit wants me to be in here for something that is coming.  Not sure if it's an altered state where I'd be vulnerable without help or what - I guess we'll see if this is a false alarm.  The Anglican Druid is coming tomorrow with snacks and a pair of headphones, which I didn't bring.

Hospital Hack: Order the Halal food instead of standard meals because it's slightly better food!