Monday, 10 August 2020

Kundalini discomfort...

Ok sinners, I may have just cured myself yesterday!  First of all, I want to list some of the problems I have been dealing with lately that have been complicating my life, and then go into what happened:

- A feeling of chronic low energy and weariness

- Chronic tension headaches

- Confusion in channeled information coupled with odd psychological pain

- Uncomfortable energy sensations in the chest and gut

- The fear that I am still very much affected by sinister forces

- Seizure-like reactions when trying to bed down

- Problems with sleep

- Neurological issues

- Subconscious frustration

D'uh - it was right under my nose!  This is classic kundalini irritation, if something is not addressed in the process.  So I prayed rigorously to my sources that I be free of all negative kundalini symptoms (I had previously prayed away kundalini complications, but didn't consider mere symptoms as well) and noticed my headache was lifted, my energy felt higher, and insights began to make more sense.  I had wrestled with my understanding of things by studying several schools of thought (but mainly the eastern kundalini model) for this kind of universal human experience, I confused meaning as much as anyone else with my channel as it was, sometimes assuming too much about one cultural interpretation versus another.  Regardless of what model you follow, I would often feel the eastern interpretation was the one I grasped the finest, and I have many books on this subject, some good, some awful.

Kundalini awakening can become a syndrome if aggravated - in my case, it was likely due to both a demonic entity and using psychoactives too much.  It was excruciating for years, but up until this point it had become just exhausting and irritating.  There have been many days where I just wanted to curl up in bed and cry over what I was feeling, not knowing how to proceed... western medicine is useless except to provide pills if a symptom is uncomfortable.  They do not understand the underlying cause.

And now I finally understand what on earth that strange chest sensation was - not a field in me, but instead Anahata chakra changing and being worked on.  It feels weird, so I was worried it was physical... it was so intense it felt like it was in my lungs.  Now I can be at peace when it happens, knowing it's actually a positive thing that just feels strange.  This has been incredibly confusing, leading me to type far too many blog articles that muse over dead end theories as to what's going on and how to proceed - but that's the way it can be for the seeker in spiritual emergency.  I hope this doesn't mean I have presented as foolish with some of the theories I have had.  I still won't budge from the idea that I was possessed and got out of it, though - it was simply too dark and had such an intense destructive nature on my life that it couldn't have just been a delusion.  Also, having that entity would help explain how kundalini got so strange, as though my own kundalini was attacking me itself.

CBD feels like a good ongoing treatment for this because I have felt more at ease since using it rather regularly, it's not a psychoactive but it feels therapeutic.  I am concluding it's best to continue avoiding THC.  Psychoactives might be beneficial for earlier levels, but one should let them go eventually or shit gets complicated.  I got an insight that my kundalini has reached the hair line, so I must now really watch what I consume.  I try to exercise enough but it's mainly low key stuff like strolling the city, I feel rigorous exercise like cardio is a bit overwhelming and I can't commit to it.  Diet wise, I tend to crave heavier foods, which I think is what my body wants to consume to feel more solid and rooted.  A trained yogi might recommend red meat if someone was in a kundalini syndrome... not all yogis are vegetarian, or should be.  I want to be in better shape but I am very cerebral right now and it's difficult to commit to my body in a way that might be easier for others.

So this is the theory today, I am running with it, it certainly explains quite a few things I have experienced.  So many of my old posts, including recent ones, are irrelevant, but that's ok.  Again, I am not a teacher, not a guru... I am just a student here.

-Saraƒin

Monday, 3 August 2020

Lucifer...


I had suspicions that the root of what remained of my spiritual suffering was the influence of Lucifer, which was likely something that had affected my life since birth, possibly for multiple lifetimes.  In a previous post, I discussed "Lucy", the little red haired girl with crooked teeth who commanded me to disobey my parents as a child - it was only in recent years that I decided this "imaginary enemy" might have been Lucifer in disguise.  After more thought, the name Lucifer came up again.  I did more prayer work, in case this was still affecting me.  Slowly, it seems things have eased up a little more, and I gave some more solid readings at my mentor's new shop.  There is still something rather sad and heavy about me, but less so, and I am reading finer insights, less irrelevance comes out of channel.

It seems that Lucifer attacks friends of God, so if you are someone Lucifer is "kind" to, you are his pawn and he is likely to turn on you at some point later on, possibly in old age, possibly once you have passed on, and once you're in bed with him, if you wish to turn away, he is likely to attack you.  Why play with this crap when there are much finer sources for enlightenment?  Metatron is a marvelous angel to work with for psychological gifts - aim higher, don't wallow in pig shit like this byproduct of creation.  I think many are in love with the idea of the rebel who stands up to God, but this is just mythos - it's a story demonstrating something that is wrong in nature, it is not about literally standing up to an anthropomorphic Jehovah.  I imagine Jehovah has come across as strange to many due to Lucifer influencing the presentation of the Spirit, and that's the only reason Jehovah seems like a complex, stern god sometimes.  We may not know a consistent understanding of the nature of God unless Lucifer ever ceases to exist.  I understand that Luciferianism attracts many artists and creative souls, perhaps (because artists are often rebellious in dress and attitude themselves) they identify with the mythos of this demon, as a personality.  It's this anthropomorphism of the demonic that is causing confusion about the nature of the beast, so to speak.  Often art depicting demons is gorgeous and appeals to many visually, especially the countercultural - but the real thing, once it's in your life, is never what you want to involve yourself in.  Evil isn't cool to play with... evil is what shouldn't be.

Some weird news: I Googled my rapist recently, and discovered his obituary.  I now have mixed feelings about not reporting the incident.  I suppose I can make peace with the idea that at least I did not suffer physical disease from this, though I may still have some underlying psychological pain that makes me feel strange about my status in the world.  I kind of feel like I am, at best, a noble pauper, and I should be grateful I can at least have a one bedroom apartment in the city.  Abuse has taken its toll on my self worth - I have a confident soul, but a broken heart and a saddened mind.  I have been stereotyped and sexualized by my high school, abused by psychiatry, and oppressed by the legal system ... I wish I could afford a lawyer to fight the injustice, but these systems ruined me, and I'm now too traumatized to fight it, even if money came my way.  I try to think like St. Lawrence while he was roasted alive and make light of what I can't do anything about.  People treated me like, sorry to say, a crack whore, simply for being gaunt at the time, and living in a rooming house.  The rape event probably has had some strange effects on my self worth as a woman, considering the way life has been, and the way others perceived me in the past.  I still have demons to slay, but at least these are just purely psychological.

I hope to someday feel worthy as a citizen in a big city like Toronto.

-Saraƒin

UPDATE: Also focusing on targeting healing for my ENS and its relationship to the CNS and my overall nervous system.  What's tricky about my current state is a kind of psychological wonkiness that will make one idea through channel feel so real until another one that sounds better comes along.  Being an open channel to the Spirit all the time might also be wearing out my neurology - often I have days where I am bedridden and can barely do anything, I am addicted to channel, even when information received isn't the finest.  My subconscious feels strange, perhaps Spirit needs to be something I engage less of.  Whatever this is, it feels like aftermath, and things are better.  It's not exactly psychosis, but it probably seems that way based on these writings.  I believe I am gradually correcting everything, and despite having a weird tendency to channel both relevant and irrelevant insights about myself and other things, I usually function quite well, despite some exhaustion.  I must take a humble, student-like approach to my self understanding if I am to get to the bottom of this.

Friday, 24 July 2020

CBD updates and phenomena...

I had a bit of a Nancy Reagan moment for a while recently, when something came through channel that asked me not to do any more CBD, but later I came to realize it's another example of phenomena I am trying to free myself of.  The problem is, senses are heightened, and I can grow anxious if I think too much about things.  Analysis has helped me to stop overanalyzing most things, but I will still have days where I give things too much thought.  There is still work ahead, I am sure, to heal fully, but it looks like CBD is good as a tool for my treatment.  Interesting reactions where my spine goes erect have happened with it, I think something with the DMT might be reacting.  Part of me is considering what little I know about biochemistry, but I also have to consider what I know of traditions.  Sometimes, I feel like the presence of another deity, Sekhmet, is coming through - not exactly like a shapeshifting thing, but like I feel Her face about my head, like a ghostly mask.  This happened once the other day in a park where I was, hanging around some people - it's like She came through to tell me to move on, because they were losers.  Not sure if it is this goddess, but I listened.  I did have Egyptian imagery as visions years ago, it's coming back a bit now, as I heal.

Something else happening - I am having phenomena where it seems like I am talking to someone, but I am not sure how real it is.  When it comes to me, I engage it, and usually I get a response.  It brings me comfort to think it could be real, I take on the mindset of experimenting and treating things as though they are real, to see them through, like a role in a game.  I feel it is much better than ignoring them completely, which left me stuck in the past, when I was ignoring the likelihood that my demon was real.  I wonder what Dr. Jung would think of all this?  He'd either think I'm a wise fool or a mind lost in the unconscious.  At least I can balance my life to engage this at will.  I lead a simpler life now, but it isn't in turmoil.  I can still do my job, see friends, take care of things, be on top of bills.  Metatron, I believe, helped me to balance the Western way with this stuff.

I hope that once I am healed, I can know exactly how many gods are involved with all of this - it's kind of hard to tell.  I have learned to base understanding on results, not phenomena.  Meanwhile, Vishnu/Krishna's forehead marking keeps coming through spirit drawings, so once again I continue to pray to him.  If I am not meant to be Roman Catholic, perhaps I am only religious in that I devote my time and energy to Divinity in a way that borders on being religious, because I am immersed in this almost constantly.  Catholics, I doubt, would like a churchgoer who prays to many gods.  Do I even need an official path?  Spirit is crafting one for me, I don't feel any group is going to understand that right now.  Sometimes I think I'm really just meant to be Christian (and only Christian) with interesting experiences, but then something always makes me reconsider things again.

-Saraƒin

Tuesday, 14 July 2020

Milk and Honey...

Some interesting developments in my channeled drawings, after rigorous prayers to several sources.  Recalling some videos I saw on DMT, I considered the chemical reaction in the brain that happens when a person awakens - the "milk and honey" of the pituitary and pineal glands.  Neurotransmitters are excreted which combine in a process that allows for the process of enlightenment, among other things.  I am not an expert on this alchemical process (at least not from a neurological studies perspective), only that I know it must have happened to me at some point in 2006, albeit with negative sources affecting me at the time in the spirit world.  I mused over the idea a while back about a "DMT imbalance", but now I suspect that it's simply that something negative affected me while under this alchemical transformation, making me a doorway to bad sources.  I don't know if a DMT imbalance is even possible - that was probably a bad suspicion, I think my brain chemistry knows what it's doing.

After some use of CBD combined with prayers to Jesus, Metatron, and other sources, I began to later receive a spirit drawing of a symbol that basically looks like a circle with a vertical ellipse beneath it, with 3 droplets falling from the ellipse.  I would imagine this suggests to work greater with the neurological alchemy, in my prayers.  This also makes me hopeful that any strange neurological issue I have now is likely just a combination of exhaustion and an awkward stage of my brain's shifting chemistry, and not a serious thing like damage as I sometimes worry it might be.  It's hard to know for sure, and when I overanalyze things, it can influence the channel, leading to poor insights.  I am simply not yet sufficiently developed as a mind to bypass this, so I may provide "insights" on here from time to time that are utterly meaningless.  I have since prayed that the alchemy in the brain be free of all negativity lingering in the spiritual dimension (if any remains open from what I went through), and that it work with the Divine only to allow enlightenment in the brain, along with strengthening of any abilities I have, or any betterment in me it can provide.  Today has been a good day for mental health.

I have put away the CBD for a while, since then, for a little break.  I want to see how things unfold in the brain - plus, my lungs could use a break.  It has felt slightly better in my neurology as of late, probably because of CBD and other means of healing.  It certainly is a lot better than it was at the beginning of the year, when I was hospitalized.  I channeled that I will be able to pick up THC again at some point, but that I must not jump the gun, of course.  I am very cautious after what I have endured.

-Saraƒin

Friday, 10 July 2020

Trance...

Reminiscing on some of the breathtaking, fascinating odysseys I took into my mind while smoking THC, which I compared to what Dr. Carl Jung described as active imagination states, I wonder if they were rudimentary trance journeying development stages, where my mind was beginning to explore these experiences, but because it was only just beginning to open, not much came of them but exotic (and often comedic) mind visuals - not much was delivering profound insight.  Then, as I kept smoking, they became less inspiring, and ultimately a total mess of weird psychic input and distortion - smoking THC became little more than a bad trip, where I would need someone to talk me down, among other things, to chill out.  In fact, the last time I tried THC, it started off with a helium-style voice chirruping "BAD TRIP!  BAD TRIP!  BAD TRIP!", proceeded by extreme mental confusion, anxiety from outer space, and visionary input that was extremely chaotic and unpleasant.  So THC was something I said goodbye to, at least for now, and CBD, which I recently discovered I can enjoy, became a healer for me.

But from what I know about the "shamanic initiatory crisis", which is a kind of spiritual emergency that I think what I have gone through at least mirrors, the old self has to be broken down and basically reinvented for the new self to step forward, sometimes with interesting spiritual abilities that come of it.  I would imagine I am over the worst of it, and am stepping into the light.  What once felt like two steps forward, one step back, now seems much better than that, and though things are rather gradual, I seem to be doing a fine job healing myself.  The Akashic Records were something I only just opened to in 2018, so I imagine that if I come to experience trance states in a refined way one day, I will get some amazing downloads from this source now.  I am just not sure, if I have refinement of these states coming, how I would enter them and remain grounded.  Maybe I would be able to do THC again in a later stage... I am not jumping to try anytime soon, right now is a time about healing, more than anything else.  Psilocybin is something else to consider, but I am concerned that if a trip is bad under psilocybin, I would have to wait a good 8 hours to get out of it - the good news about bad THC trips is that they only last up to a couple of hours, usually.  Mostly, I am concentrating on prayer and meditation, and psychic input in sober states... if trance states are to be something I witness again, I want to be prepared for them.  No more mental hospitals, please!

Man, how I used to love listening to silly techno trance music while exploring this psychedelic phenomena - one of my faves was "Born Slippy" by Underworld, which now has a special place in my heart as a song that I played repeatedly when all of this began.  Something about certain electronic rhythms puts my mind into an otherworldly headspace... if melody is attached, and it hits me the right way, that just adds to it, inspiring the mind to go into itself and explore.  I find electronic music more powerful for invoking altered states than using a traditional drum, because the sounds make it more ethereal, which just increases the depth of the experience.  A faster, steadier rhythm is also more exciting to me than a slower one.  Usually, trance music has shitty lyrics, but that doesn't matter because I don't usually listen to lyrics when I play a song, anyway.  I just ignore what they mean, treating them like just another instrument.  Poetry isn't something I'm invested in because 9/10 times a poem's message goes over my head, due to the way that I think.  I simply can't hear what the English is telling me when it's structured like a poem, and that includes musical lyrics.  Pulp is a band where I understand what the song is saying, because they tell little stories in their songs... but when it comes to most bands, please don't ask me what a song is about.  Usually I'm confused.

Good news from my psychic mentor - he got a new store location, and it's 4 times bigger than the last one!  Also, I deduced that the Vishnu forehead marking symbol was actually representing Krishna, so for the sake of experimentation, I am uttering a few more prayers to Him again.

(Honestly, this is the only kind of stuff I tended to listen to when I tranced out.)


(I would also very much like to trance out to this song!)

-Saraƒin

Updates on the CBD front...

I had abandoned smoking CBD marijuana in favor of using the drops instead, but have since gone back to smoking it.  After trying two bottles of drops overtime, at various doses, I can't say I got any sense it was making any difference in my neurological state - I had a suspicion at first that it was, but I think it was just placebo, because as I kept doing it I didn't feel much of anything.  So, I went back to a local dispensary and got another 3.5 g baggy of Pure Sun CBD, rolled a joint, and felt what was missing.  I do get a gentle high from this stuff, and find that the after effects mean my psyche feels that much stronger later on, after every other session.  It's of course not a weird state where I go to a strange place mentally (this has virtually no THC in it), it's instead a relaxed bliss state, where I feel extremely at ease, like the soul itself is high.

My suspicion as to why smoking it, in my case, is so much better than drops (and possibly edibles, not yet sure about vaping) is for the same reason that smudge works the way it does as a spiritual medicine - fire releases the spirit of the plant, not just the chemicals, to do any healing.  Scientists tend to only look at the significance of what is chemically going on in these substances, but there are deeper levels involved, especially when you use plant medicine ritualistically.  I open with a prayer to Mary that Jesus help to work with the plant, along with angels Metatron and Raphael, for healing and growth.  I have noticed more acute changes in recent use, and my mood has been excellent.  Also, something else strange but wonderful - barely any coughing!  Normally marijuana smoke makes me hack and cough like my lung is about to fly out, but lately it goes down easily.  Perhaps adjustments in my soul mean my body is better at handling this, as long as I am using it in a medicinal way.

Harsh on the lungs or not, I see this treatment as temporary, and my lungs bounced back quickly from last time, so I'm sure they will again.  (I may just have to be all the more cautious amid the COVID-19 thing, as a pot smoker.)  Besides, I like bonding with the plant by rolling joints, sniffing the bud, all the stuff that was nice ritualistically when I used to use THC recreationally.  That's completely missing with other methods.  Spirit encourages this as a means of healing things that are just not quite right in me, and says it's temporary.  I can't do THC at all anymore, I think, because it goes so strange and disturbing, but CBD seems like the complete opposite.

-Saraƒin

Monday, 6 July 2020

Yin and Yang (and Yang's influence on the Earth)...

I'm not one who has studied Daoism very much, so this post might not be the greatest, at least when compared to what a brilliant Daoist would have to say.  But I will give it a shot, based on new channeled messages, and my own interpretation of things.  This may be a subject I'll return to on the horizon, as I refine my senses, though transformation, and make new conclusions about things.

Following up on the update I made to my recent Pluto post, it's time to comment on Yang and its effect on this planet.  Pluto, as I received through channel, is a flaw in the natural order of the solar system, an aggravator that has the unfortunate effect of generating excessive Yang on another dimension that directly impacts this dimension.  As a result, excess Yang is responsible for the ills of planet Earth, and nature is out of sorts.  In the human world, we are not in alignment with nature at all, we polarize towards a patriarchy that is extremely toxic and ravages the world of Her resources.  Too much Yang makes us aggressive, insane, horny, greedy... the masculinity of the world, once a proud king, is now a raving lunatic.  It's also at the point now where not only is it infuriatingly disgusting, it's kind of oddly wimpy about it - the Hierophant in charge is repulsive to behold, where men like Donald Trump are in power, beyond all logic.  Yang is exhausted, looking mighty pathetic where it might have once still been proud and powerful, even when it was in other destructive stages.  This sad looking Yang is a sign that it's on the decline, ultimately.

Probably one of the biggest contributing factors to poor mental health is the excessive Yang in the world.  It aggravates us in many ways me may not even pick up on.  Now, more than ever, people report mental health conflicts, be they as common as depression and anxiety, or as complex as psychosis.  The best way to ultimately move beyond these conflicts is to frame the mind as something malleable, these states as transient, and to work with whatever works for you in medicine with a means of aligning with the Spirit.  The goal should not be elimination of suffering per se, as much as it should be transcendence.

Overabundant Yang in another dimension, I think, was likely what my demon was - it presented to me as an entity, because of the way humans perceive - they see symbols, characters, personalities.  We perceive like actors in a play, this world is one big movie to us, and it's at a weird point where many of us don't like the plot anymore (because we don't know where it's going yet), and we're heckling it.  The demon was my villain, I have defeated it - for whatever reason, I was meant to face it, and now see its presence in my life as something that was of fate, and that ultimately taught me lessons of self reliance and betterment.  I think that perhaps Yin and Yang have been complicated for me - maybe my illness, that which remains of it, is something weird with overabundant Yang.  Seeing as this thing got inside of me, it would make sense it disrupted the natural balance of those two forces.  A new thing to concentrate my prayers on, I've decided.

Humans, not likely to ever evolve to understand everything, should take a humble approach in their relationship to the world.  Ideas are complicated right now, Yang has us trapped in mentalities that take on an arrogant rigidity, we have forgotten the inner child and are lost in what we deem relevant or appropriate for this age.  It's like a bitter old man who demands things be done to conform to an impossible set of ideals is in control of everything, and he's looking very foolish right now.  Science, never likely to be exactly what it aspires to be (the truly knowable being ultimately unknowable) is better suited as a discipline that pursues proof, rather like how the yogi attempts to achieve enlightenment, something that in itself never stops unfolding.

I made the analogy that the fate of Yang is like the fate of the wave crashing upon the shore - sooner or later, it gives out, Yin takes over, and the wave retreats back into the ocean.  Yin, in the troubled dimension, will correct Yang, and this will reflect with time in our dimension.  I feel 2020 has been a power year so far, as far as signs that nature may be on the brink of beginning to reclaim things for Herself.  From fungus that eats radiation growing inside of the Chernobyl reactor, to other fascinating patterns emerging in nature, Yin is creeping into things again.

-Saraƒin

Sunday, 5 July 2020

"Warrior Nun"...

I managed to catch 5 episodes of this at a friend's house recently.  Not having Netflix, because I don't watch enough to warrant paying for it, I will still watch the odd thing here and there with friends at their place, but I'm not much of a screen gazer anymore.  Though 5 episodes probably isn't sufficient for a full review, it's perhaps enough to offer some commentary, based on what I have seen.

This is based on an old comic called "Warrior Nun Areala" by American mangaka Ben Dunn.  Though I have never read the comic, I know it had controversy with both Catholics and non-Catholics alike - the Catholics saw it as blasphemous because of the nun's skimpy habits, the non-Catholics thought it made the church look too positive.  Sister Penance, as a persona, is in part based on the idea of a warrior nun, because of my true life story of battling a demonic presence that attacked me, having followed me around for most of my life.  Anyway, how was what I watched so far?

It was incredibly tropey, kitschy, over the top, and silly... and I dug just about every minute of it.  The style is beautiful, though like "The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina" the cinematography was perhaps a bit too dark, since we had to play with the brightness a lot on my friend's television.  It evokes a kind of 90s feel - I was calling it "Catholic Buffy", because of its style.  I can't quote any right now, but there were some fun lines, and these nuns really kick ass.  I want to keep watching it once I get back on Netflix, sometime.

Not everything worked - too many scenes were drab and boring, and you just wanted to go back to watching the nuns do their thing.  The protagonist is yet another reluctant heroine, suffering from Usagi syndrome, who in this case is neither a nun nor a warrior, but is still the "chosen one", which is a super tired cliche.  Some of the dialogue was flat out silly, and pacing could be weird.  The overall story is utterly absurd, but the series is so self aware that I forgive it for being ludicrous.  Sometimes fluff can be delightful, too.  (Again, I am not sure how it proceeds after episode 5, but so far, it's been a fun ride.  Mindless entertainment, but enjoyable.)

I had a really funny, weird dream the other night.  Well, the first part was eerie - patron saints were floating through the walls, haunting me to observe me, which made me super worried about how to behave.  Later, I was sitting on the lap of St Pope John Paul II like he was Santa Claus, and laughing with him about various things.  I really would love to know what my analyst would have to say about that!  I suspect he would say it's simply an example of the mind at play, after taking in a bunch of Catholic stuff.

I am back to trying smokeable CBD, which feels much more effective than the drops do.  I also ritualistically pray with the plant when I use it.  I think it might be helping with neurology a bit, since there has been some definite improvement since using it enough.  I wondered last night if yin and yang are out of whack in me, so I have been praying that any imbalances in my system be restored to good health.  Hoping things improve again soon.

-Saraƒin

Monday, 29 June 2020

More solar system oddness that came through channel...

Furthering my discussion on the solar system, here are some fascinating psychic insights into the nature of the planets that might not have true relevance, but are interesting nonetheless, so I wanted to provide an article on them:

I had discussed the planets as having more spiritual significance and meaning than western science tends to give them credit for, and that advanced astrology has some definite merit, but is perhaps a confused system.  Planets are divine powers that function as a means to an end, represented in this dimension as we see them, influencing this as well as other dimensions.  They are also influenced by other things outside of this dimension.  One of the nine planets shouldn't exist at all because it is a flaw, according to my channeling.  This is Pluto, which at one time, as you may recall, was no longer considered a planet, but now is considered, last time I checked, a dwarf planet.  With its strange orbit and frustrating influence on things (according to astrological lore, at least), Pluto is an unwholesome object that has generated corruption on all the other planets throughout this solar system's existence.  Diabolical influences work with Pluto's power to harm the world.  One by one, corruption is being corrected by forces (in any way that it can be), what Hindus might call the Hand of Vishnu.  Neptune was fucked up by this in ancient times but has stabilized, others are strange, apparently Jupiter is very angry because of what came of it, and is sick.  Jupiter is like a mad king - he is supposed to be like the King of Pentacles of the tarot, but right now as a power radiates more like an enraged King of Wands.  The planets not being as healthy as they should be can mean strange things for one's personal astrology, as far as how they influence an individual.  I am getting that Pluto kicked my ass, Jupiter made life hard, along with Uranus, but I channel that I could correct influences with the right spiritual approach.  I don't really follow advanced astrology, this is just stuff I have channeled about how influences may have affected me - I am a Taurus Sun sign, Aries rising, and Cancer Moon, but I don't recall the rest of my chart.  Again, I am still refining my skills, still healing, so when I am yet more confident in what comes of this, I may write about this again, and perhaps one day do Sister Penance tarot videos that discuss what Akasha has to say.

Pluto, I get, will one day be destroyed in some way, in the distant future.  The universe, a conscious entity, is designed to regulate itself, correcting its own flaws where it can, as it unfolds.  There are dimensions like this created and destroyed all the time - when Nataraja stops his cosmic dance, the end comes about, but the dance will begin again, in another form.  Humans, who love to catastrophize, are as strange as they are right now due to planetary influences, and two of the biggest players are Pluto and Jupiter.

I am going to work with Uriel now to see if I can alleviate myself of some of my weirder influences, based on what I channel.  Angels are likely my best bet to attempt such a thing, and Uriel seems to have helped a lot with some of my problems, especially recently.

-Saraƒin

UPDATE: A bit more channeled information to add - the influence of Pluto in the solar system, along with other examples of corruption in the Spirit, means an abundance of Yang energies in nature, creating problems in how nature relates to itself.  Too much Yang means nature is out of whack - toxic masculinity currently rules the world, humans are insane and destructive, there are problems in the very nature of things and how the planet relates to itself, both through us and through other components of it.  The ultimate reason for all that is wrong is too much Yang, which creates patterns in the way things play out.  The good news about excessive Yang is that it cannot last - like a wave collapsing upon the shore, only to retreat back into the ocean, Yin will make a comeback, and nature will reclaim itself.

Sunday, 28 June 2020

Common signs of a spiritual awakening...

Thought I'd now list signs to watch for when you're just not sure if you're waking up, or if it's a conventional mental health concern.  Here are some that I have experienced, along with traits that I have heard of in others - worth considering if you're skeptical of any diagnosis a doctor has given you:

- You may see lights, blobs of colour, and static noise in your field of vision.  This is a common reaction when the soul is waking up.  It's suggested that it's your neurology reacting to the shifting soul.  Don't worry about it - it doesn't mean your brain is in pain, even though it can seem weird.

- You may have sudden, unexplainable emotions that come over you, which might be mistaken for bipolar symptoms.  These are more like a reaction in you than a deeply felt emotion.  You might be moved more easily by things.

- You may find that you are either somewhat (or perhaps completely) unresponsive to conventional psychiatric treatment.  (I was able to ground a bit with medication but still suffered with my spiritual problems.)  If this is the case, it's important to include alternative therapy, whatever that may look like, with your standard treatment regimen.  The system swallowed me up and kept me sick until I got somewhere with this.  It took undoing a lot of damage that was done to me with bad ideas they put in my head about myself.

- You might take on new values, or have a change in perspectives and interests.  Old interests may start to seem boring, while others you never considered interesting before might have a new appeal.  Me, I grew tired of screen gazing and video games (I still do these things but rarely), and wanted to explore contemplation.  Simple living became my ideal.

-  You may develop a sense of awe and wonder at the thought of the Divine.  The Christians call this "fear of the Lord".  You might feel closer to God, or desire to seek Him more intensely.  This might give you an overwhelming drive to become a seeker.  Go with it - don't fight it.  If you do, it could get frustrating for you, and Spirit might just keep pushing you back towards the path until you surrender to it.  The sooner you do so, the better.

- You might feel funny, often tingly sensations in your brain, or other parts of your body.  This is your growing soul reacting to your body.  Nothing to worry about.

- You might feel more sensitive, particularly to substances you might have once had no problem consuming (like psychoactives or alcohol), but also to sensations and experiences.  This means you are becoming more aware of things.

- There will likely be a feeling of something crucial or profound happening in you, which might be hard to explain to others.  Ignore any doctor who says that it's just mania, if you know deep down it is something more powerful than that.  Bad ideas from psychiatrists are very harmful to people in spiritual crisis - I could have been out of my problems much sooner if I hadn't been brainwashed so heavily by CAMH.

- If your mind feels wonky, these are adjustments happening - they mean that you have to work with them to overcome them, but you can, and will probably refine from it all.  Reach out to the Divine for help.

There are plenty of other signs but these are common for many different types of awakenings, including kundalini, the shamanic initiatory crisis, and psychic opening.  Do some research on the various forms of spiritual awakening out there, and see which feels the most right to describe what you're going through.  It's a shame there aren't more resources out there for this sort of thing - more and more people are going through this, and modern medicine has yet to catch up.  As long as atheism rules psychiatry, there's going to be a problem finding services that work in mainstream medicine.

-Saraƒin

Saturday, 27 June 2020

Reading disturbing insights: The eerie side of psychic ability...

Sometimes I read stuff that makes me upset, shaken, or like I wish I hadn't heard it.  A while back, it's that a childhood memory of discovering a car in a lake meant that Dad and I were in the vicinity of a cadaver, while yesterday it was that my orthodontist likely fucked up my lower jaw, and that my bottom row of teeth was best left alone, without braces.  It can make me a little bit ticked, or it can make my hair stand on end.  I don't know how other psychics interpret the tough stuff, I (usually) don't get visuals, but instead the information through my voice.  In the past, when I was in spiritual crisis, I was bombarded by visions, but most of it was likely nonsense.  Often, the Spirit made it look and sound comical to cushion the blows I would feel in my mind.  Spirit has a way of making psychic phenomena easier to swallow if something wants to make it through that could be difficult to take in.  When the demon was active, it would make a lot of vile information come through, sometimes I would react by hitting myself out of panic, which the Spirit had to stop me from doing.  It's no longer like that - maybe I have a weak moment here or there, but in general, anything unpleasant comes forward in the nicest way possible.

When I give a reading that has dark things to say to someone else, Spirit tries to craft it so that it gives advice on the avoidable, and hope with the unavoidable.  I am assuming most people want to hear they're going to be loaded financially, or that the perfect spouse will come into their life... if things don't look great, Spirit might instead suggest ways they could turn things around to nurture that possibility.  Something I read for myself several times over is that while I will develop the skills of a true professional, I am not meant to be a career psychic.  Spirit said a gig here and there is fine, but that They don't want me to be doing it as a profession.  Apparently, I still have some kind of calling in the arts... go figure.  I was told if I try to pursue a professional psychic career, it is bound to fail... the Tower card was pulled a few times for this.  Wonderful.

Some advice I'll quickly give people trying to hone their psychic abilities: be prepared for some weird shit!  Are you sure you can handle what comes to you?  Many psychics call their abilities a curse, if they find it too hard to process.  I'm still trying to refine my own skills, but in a different way.  I've done my shadow work so as not to be haunted by that at this point.  Mostly, I am frustrated if details are wonky, that's my issue.

My mentor, having been at this as long as he has, works on and off with police services when they get a cold case, and has even helped solve several of them.  He has very close ties with indigenous communities, because they trust his talents are the real deal.  I still need to pay him for a full reading sometime - he gave me a partial reading, which convinced me he's great, when I met him.  He seems to have many fans and friends and knows a great deal of people.

I was back at work yesterday, and will be again today - it wasn't so bad.  I miss the staycation already, but it's time to get back to the old way of life.  Work will be slow for a while, due to things not being as active in the city, so at least I won't be stressed.  The time off gave me a lot of opportunity to concentrate further on healing, and I think some minor breakthroughs have been achieved, as a result.

-Saraƒin

PS: A premonition I had in my readings of a dear friend successfully being accepted into Canada came true - I kept drawing the 10 of Cups for them, the card of happy endings.  I didn't tell them in case I was wrong and something awful happened, but once I got the news they found out about my premonition.

Tuesday, 23 June 2020

Advice for those in spiritual emergency...

Here's another one of my advice posts, having lived through spiritual emergency, and come out the other end (mostly):

Spiritual emergency is a term that is a bit of a play on words, in that "emergency" implies both a crisis, but also "emergence".  I first heard of this way of describing crises of the soul from a book I bought called "The Stormy Search for the Self: A Guide to Personal Growth through Transformational Crisis" by Christina and Stanislav Grof.  This book was rather helpful to me, especially in the section where it lists the various forms of spiritual crises a person might encounter, and how to identify them.  I read many books but this one made coping suggestions, and I would often turn to it to confirm suspicions about what I was going through.

Anyway, let's cut to the chase - here's my list of suggestions for dealing with a spiritual emergency:

- First off, if things get really hard, you might have to deal with the mental health system, possibly as an inpatient.  Keep in mind that most medical staff are not usually trained to identify these sorts of conflicts, so they may use terminology like "schizophrenia" and "bipolar".  They are wrong, if it's true spiritual emergency.  How do you know the difference?  In a way, that takes coming to conclude it in yourself... often, the Spirit will find a means to reach out to you in some way to help you to understand it in those terms.  Medications may be needed for psychological difficulties.  I disagree with the new age argument that they are never a good idea, but it's true that some are going to be better than others.  I recommend Latuda for less side effects, and I advise you stay away from older generation antipsychotics, which may sedate or flatten you out so badly it cripples your ability to make progress with yourself.  Meds might not relieve you completely of symptoms in some cases - they may simply tone things down, allowing you to do the work on your own, and gauge your progress.  They may be necessary to lead a nearly normal life.  Treat hospitalization as a protective measure in an emergency, if you are in danger, but don't expect psychiatrists or other medical staff to hear you much if you speak heavily of the soul.  They are trained to see things as a brain disease, not something transformative.

- Avoid all psychoactives to prevent any strange states that could aggravate symptoms.  This includes marijuana.  I had to quit THC, but now use CBD products for therapeutic means.  I personally seem to be able to get away with a couple of drinks, but I don't recommend heavy drinking either.  Change your lifestyle - do low key exercise, if you like yoga try Yin over Kundalini Yoga.  Although vegans would hate me for saying it, consider eating meat if you don't already.  The proteins help ground you and give you what you need for your soul's development.  Many yogis actually recommend red meat for active kundalites, as a way of helping them to cope with uncomfortable states.  Rest when you feel the urge.  Explore nature.  Listen more to your body and what it's telling you it needs.

- Do some soul searching and figure out what kind of spiritual path suits your soul's needs best.  This took a while for me, but I settled on a hybrid, esoteric Catholic style Christian path that borrows from indigenous plant medicine ceremony.  Christ can save many from awful experiences, and being Christian doesn't have to look or feel square.  A friend of mine found the best path for them was Tibetan Buddhism.  What are you called to?  What keeps showing up in your life?  Experiment, contemplate, look for results.  Always pray, and don't give up.  You might have to commit to something in a hardcore way for a while to achieve relief, which could change the course of your life.

- I didn't exactly do this, but perhaps journaling is more good advice I'd give, to keep a record of where you have been, where you are in the moment, and where you are going, to gauge your progress through the experience.  I have re-examined old spirit writings, which were once chaotic and negative... the stuff I get now is clear and can go up to several paragraphs long in a single session.

- Look for alternative therapy.  For me, this was Jungian analysis.  You can often find therapists who do sliding scale rates if you are low income, or on disability.  Don't expect a quick fix with analysis... it's an ongoing process, but well worth the results, if you have the time and money.  It was my analyst who first really listened to me, telling me I am not crazy (after just about everyone else said I was), and it was what I needed to hear from a professional to really start healing.

- It's probably best that you watch who you open up to about this.  A lot of people didn't get what I was going through, and thought I was a lunatic for believing in what I did.  Now that, in some ways, I am saner than anyone else around me (at least in dealing with bad shit), people listen a little more - I also articulate myself better now.  Find friends and/or family who will listen, but maybe just don't tell everyone, unless you can handle the gossip.  People are weird about difficult spiritual stuff in this age.

- Weighted blankets are nice if you're anxious.  Just don't fall asleep under one, or else you might cramp up by the time you awaken.  Try to surround yourself with comfort objects, to de-stress.  I live alone, so I have things like this I use to relax.

-Don't over-engage unconscious material, because you could become lost in it.  Know when to step away, and distract yourself with other things.  Don't identify too heavily with the contents of your unconscious, either.  It might be trying to tell you something, so if you feel you want to explore that, seek a Jungian.  Just don't become obsessed with it.  It can get weird.

The good news about spiritual emergency is that most people ultimately grow from it, and provided you care appropriately for yourself, it's a fantastic opportunity to transform.  One animal often associated with it is the Phoenix, rising from the ashes of the former self.  The modern age has yet to catch up with the needs of those experiencing this phenomena, but if you do enough hunting, there are resources to be found.

-Saraƒin

Psychological quirkiness and psychic ability...

I am wondering if psychics and other spiritually developed thinkers often have psychological quirks, perhaps even handicaps, that limit some of what they can do with their minds in other ways.  Though I have never been diagnosed with a learning disability, I have never grasped mathematics (beyond perhaps graphs, geometry, and that kind of thing).  I had a math tutor in high school, and I would have to relearn technique over and over again, and I still wouldn't get it.  I have a low brow job where I do simple arithmetic, and though I had a science interest as a young kid, I gave up on it when I came to realize how much I needed math to get anywhere with it as a career.  Math is profoundly boring to me and I get frustrated attempting anything higher than, perhaps, simple fractions.  Also, although I am pretty good with English, reading passages of text can be difficult, because I find retaining what I have just read, for long, to be extremely challenging.  I may have to reread a paragraph several times over before moving on in the book, and by the end of it, there are gaping holes in my understanding of what I have just completed.  (My memory is not very good for my age, either.)  So, I don't read as much as some - I enjoy it, but it's not something that I'm constantly doing.  I am a bibliophile, but one who doesn't finish every single book I begin, and it's often because of this reason.

I decided, after trying art school, that I was not cut out for university, or college even, because of these complications.  I can't blossom in an environment that teaches a kind of learning based on taking in knowledge through intense study, and then proving understanding by regurgitating it with tests, essays, et cetera.  I find it a chore, and also rather difficult to do.  In high school, I was a so-so student - I was often kind of elsewhere as a mind, and so if things had been different, I might have been diagnosed with a learning disability.  I don't see it as an ADD thing - I see it as my mind having a different way of perceiving, which might handicap me in other, more conventional ways.  One thing I am super brilliant at is pattern recognition, and there's this weird game called "Ghost Blitz" that no one can beat me at - I am ten times faster than anyone else playing it.  I am also a Pareidoliac in the most extreme sense, seeing faces in inanimate objects everywhere, and even going as far as to decide things about the character of the object, like personality and intelligence, and I subconsciously might think of what its voice might sound like if the object were to speak.  This is something people often debate, as to whether or not Pareidolia is a disorder - I think that this argument is horseshit, and that instead it's a sign of high creative intelligence, and it's been an asset for me as a cartoonist.  It may also be a sign of refined intuition.

My psychic mentor is illiterate, which I found surprising, since he has made a career for himself, and seemed to get through life well despite it.  He is extremely wise, has eyes that penetrate like he knows secrets about you, and is a sweet, compassionate, if a little curmudgeonly older man.  Other psychics I have known have had mental awkwardness, psychiatric trouble, and so on, and yet they have this profound skill in an area that is not yet fully honoured or embraced in this part of the world.  Perhaps psychics are wired in such a way that it means in some ways, there could be qualities that challenge how they function or relate to this kind of society.  I function very well - I have the ability, though it is still refining in many ways, to gain hidden knowledge through my methods, of subject matter I have never studied before (kind of like metaphysical Google), I have proven to have at least moderate psychic ability that is still growing when people confirm details for me, and I can grasp certain abstract concepts well, despite not having a higher education, or a scientific mind... I do so with spirituality, it's simply another means of perceiving.  I loathe the idea of going back to school, for it is pricey, I am certain I would drop out, and I know my mind would not fit in.  I may be some kind of genius with these traits, but not one who works quite as well in this society as I might in another, or perhaps in another point in history.  I am also extremely good at tolerating insane levels of psychological pain, and I do so with humour, among other things.  I do not appreciate feeling pain, but can adapt to it, and I find ways to cope until I find ways to overcome it.  I am not a masochist, but I desire to be one.

As I recover, I am still learning about my mind, its limits, its potential, and I am still, from practicing psychic skills on others, seeing that there is a need for much more refinement.  I only just opened to Akasha in 2018, so I'm sure I am nowhere near where I could be.  One thing that was odd for me as a kid that I have concluded was latent psychic potential, was that, having seen enough old "Simpsons" reruns, I sometimes would randomly think of a quote or a scene from an old episode, and then see that same episode on TV within days, and this happened repeatedly.  So, if this kind of thing happens with you with information randomly coming to your mind that later shows up in life in some way, like with a TV show or an event, you too might be a psychic waiting to blossom!

-Saraƒin

Saturday, 20 June 2020

Next project prospects...

Well, I'm getting a lot of writing done on here, so I'm considering that perhaps my next major creation might not be visual, but instead a novel of some kind.  It may even be writings based on what I'm producing on this blog, except that I feel I must come to a new level in my healing and transformation before I'm sure of what that would even look like.  I may adopt the Sister Penance persona and produce something full of spiritual musings - perhaps a book that physically presents as if it were a fetish fantasy novel based on the cover art, but is actually mystical writings and esoteric articles.  Again, I think, if this is something that I do, I wouldn't just drop the blog articles into it verbatim, but I might lift quotes from it.  I have to see where the mind takes me, to organize my ideas better.  Something is feeling increasingly stronger in me, and I have to witness that play out first.

I don't feel the comic format is correct for anything I want to creatively say or do next - maybe I will return to it one day, but right now I would rather just write.  I kind of have a style that in many ways reminds me of my favourite band, the Pet Shop Boys, where I am both flippant and fun on the surface, but beneath all of that I am smart and wise as well, or at least I aspire to be.  This is true for my comic work, as well as my presentation.  I may still make kitschy Catholic art, but I wonder if that might not just be some little thing I do here and there, and not a major project.  Sort of an ongoing thing... a book might be more realistic as a big new project that could go somewhere.  I will likely self publish with some online service, and see where that takes me.

Sad news from my psychic teacher - sounds like COVID-19 killed his shop, and he will be shutting down at the end of the month.  I will have to drop by and find out further details.  I am not sure if he will be reopening elsewhere, but he is a good contact I found and at the very least he helped boost my confidence with my skills.  He is known as one of the finest psychics in the city, has been at it for most of his life, and told me he only takes on readers he believes in, and he's only ever taken on a few here and there to train, so it's an honour he chose me.  I am still training myself - if there is a neurological issue, it may be complicating the channel a little, clouding it, until it is resolved.  I do not wish to jump the gun as a professional and risk making myself look foolish, or hurt people with shoddy information.  I believe in providing a quality service, and right now I don't demand money, but will accept it when it's given to me.  Technique recently improved again, and I think it's just going to keep getting better.  I have a unique way of reading the cards that even my mentor says is so unusual, he has never seen anyone read like me before, so at the very least that part is novel and unique to me.

I'm probably back at work soon... the downtime was a lovely experience for me, and I got to work more on my healing.  I know it was stressful for many, but I had a good time.  Learning to live on a budget as I have has taught me great resiliency, and the resulting introspection that comes of not having much money to engage the world for entertainment's sake has led to greater self awareness.  It was a luxury to have the mind that I do during this pandemic - I did not go mad from being trapped at home most of the time.  I hope, however, that we can bounce back from all of this, sooner rather than later, regardless of how karma wants to play out.

-Saraƒin

Wednesday, 17 June 2020

Kriyas, answered prayers, and returning to the cathedral...

I seem to still be getting kriyas, but they're not like anything I've seen in yoga.  A kriya can happen during an awakening, it's like a kind of exercise or movement the soul compels the body to perform.  Many yogas in the east are based on kriyas, to try to stimulate the movement of the kundalini.

These kriyas seem to be getting my body to sit in one of the four cardinal directions, on my knees, and do various gestures with my hands, like the prayer palms, the sign of the cross, the crossing of the forehead, lips, and chest, among other things.  So they're more Christian in how they present than, say, downward dog.  I guess it comes down to the process being universal, but the path being specific.  I am not sure how long I will be doing these kriyas, only that they are unconscious, automatic, and happen when I am at rest.  I can control them when the body goes into them - they were more annoying in the past, and I think Jesus, once entering my life, toned down their intensity.  Some made me feel like I was coming out of my skin before he calmed the process.

I think prayers I uttered before are taking hold, because for the past week I have been feeling energetically a bit more normal... no fatigue, less anxiety, more hopeful.  I am going through Mary with prayers to Jesus instead of just directly to Christ, and am thinking it's a better route to take, in my case.  While I dig the Protestant idea of having a personal relationship with Christ (without relying on a priest) I think Catholic thought on going through the saints is a better route in successful prayer - it has been that way for me, anyway.  I also don't want to be obsessed with the Bible the way Protestants are - I use it for bibliomancy and incants, mostly.  Catholics read it but not like Protestants.  I think some passages are very powerful, a lot of it should be considered relevant as historical documents but not as something that modern man should attempt to follow verbatim.  Context is badly interpreted by many, and a lot of hate comes out of cherrypicking from it.  So, it's a magickal text for me, not a personal guide.  I see the Bible as a talisman, a power object, one that more often than not has been abused.

I went to my local cathedral today, the first time since the COVID-19 shut downs.  It was nice to return, though many pews were roped off, we needed to use hand sanitizer, there was no holy water, and everyone wore masks.  I did a round of the rosary and stayed for about an hour, having missed sacred space.  I didn't go to service... I don't, usually - mostly I'm there for contemplation, since that particular church has very arrogant priests, and their sermons are condescending.  One guy seems ok, but another went on some oddly anti-feminist tirade, and I kind of wanted the guy to just go and jerk off in the bathroom to relieve pranic tension so he could think clearly, because he seemed kind of angry.  I think Anglican clergy are way more chill, and there is likely far less sex scandal, because their priests can actually enjoy a good romp in the hay, while Catholics have shitty pranic health due to chastity they might not be the greatest at maintaining, so they're kind of insane.  They at the very least have piss poor prostate health, said the Anglican Druid, mentioning that many Catholic priests develop prostate cancer.

(I guess that's one way of becoming celibate!)

-Saraƒin

PS: Another new symbol started coming through spirit drawing - the Vishnu forehead marking, what I like to call "Vishnu's tuning fork".  Interesting!

Monday, 15 June 2020

Revisiting the brain damage piece...

I am wondering once again if mild brain damage is a thing in me, like I wondered in an older post.  When I run down the list of things to consider, there are these: sensitivity to light and sound, difficulty concentrating on reading things, poor memory, crippling evening anxiety, headaches that are hard to get rid of, strange (indescribable) distortions in my perception, feelings of tension in the frontal lobe, unexplainable physical and psychological exhaustion, an unconscious desire for the body to spontaneously take deep inhales (as though the brain might need more oxygen than it's getting), mild convulsions (especially when I'm dozing off)... there's probably more but that's what comes to mind.

It's annoying that medicine does not consider these things more - when I asked a doctor about getting a neurological exam, they gave me a finger following test with my eyes, not any kind of brain scan, like I wanted.  Psychiatry is fucking annoying to assume I'm simply mentally ill, and that these are not signs of some deeper neurological disturbance, considering these other symptoms.  I could literally feel my brain getting assaulted by the demon when it entered me, and when I inhaled pot and tobacco with the demon in me.  Of course, it would be awfully hard to convince doctors of exactly how I received any brain damage, only that it's likely there (though it's probably mild at this point) and that it hasn't been considered.  I will be getting a general checkup (hopefully) soon and I may pressure my doctor to just give me an ƒMRI to be absolutely safe.  If I were to get one done, I would be a bit ticked if they found the damage after years of ignoring me, maybe also a bit relieved to know I'm correct, but at least it would change what is on my medical chart.  I know they think I'm a flake for the spiritual problem piece, but if they could at least understand what is wrong neurologically, we might get somewhere in treatment where we should have arrived a long time ago, and I might be discriminated against less in psychiatry.  My chart probably paints a hideous portrait because of some of the awful players I have had to work with as doctors, with their insulting ideas.  Being a woman sucks, because it's assumed I'm a hypochondriac when something could actually be seriously wrong.  My mother has dealt with this shit too, with heart health.

I know psychic phenomena is legit in me, but perhaps the reason it is wonky (beyond the fact that I'm still developing it) is because the brain is physically ill.  Knowing I can't really rely on anyone but myself (and perhaps a couple of family members) to survive, and also to heal, I am using prayer methods to attempt to correct these problems, since western medicine won't even listen to me.  I will try one final time to convince my MD to get my brain scanned, and then I am giving up.  The only comfort I take from all of this is that it seems it has gotten better, and I have myself to thank for that.  Fuck Toronto psychiatry for not paying attention, for oppressing me, and for not investigating further when there might be a deeper underlying medical problem.

In other news, Facebook targeted ads are trying to sell me papacy jogging suits, magic mushrooms, and services from people who will psychically draw a picture of your future lover.  Watching the algorithms try to figure me out is like witnessing my endearingly white late father try to decipher the meaning in rap lyrics.  Keep trying, Facebook.  <_<

-Saraƒin

Saturday, 13 June 2020

Gradually feeling better...

I really think that between the recitations of the Psalms and prayers to Uriel, I am feeling a lift in my soul.  It's gradual, but quite obvious.  Something in me seems gentler, and I am less in pain at night.  I am going to try and pray the rosary at least once a day, something channel is advising me to do.  I wear a plastic rosary around my left wrist all the time, as a reminder to pray often.  Catholics find rosaries around the neck tacky looking, but I don't think they find someone wearing one on their wrist upsetting, especially if that makes it more accessible for prayer.  (I usually pray with the transmuted one in case it adds to the power.)

Something mildly upsetting the other day - someone I tried to read before for pay, I attempted to read again, and once again the channel went weird.  I hung up the phone, and something dark came through, taunting me.  This person might have a spiritual presence that doesn't want me reading them, and it's negative and wants to frighten me.  I panicked a bit, worried my problems were back, but after prayers to Jesus, things settled again.  I guess this is a particular person I simply cannot channel for.  I shall have to ask my psychic teacher about this, if he has any input.

A new symbol keeps coming through spirit writing - it's the interlocking cross with the "M" that appears on the back of the Miraculous Medal of the Virgin Mary.  When I read about what that symbol means, it has to do with Mary being the Mediatrix who helps carry our prayers to Lord Jesus.  So perhaps this is a suggestion to concentrate more prayers on Mary, so that she may carry them to her Son, on my behalf.  (We use the back of the Miraculous Medal as a makeshift "coat of arms" for our rosary coven, BTW.)

As a parody of LHP edgelord online usernames, I came up with an edgy RHP one for myself, if I ever go into esoteric chatrooms: "MetatronAlphaOmega333".  I sometimes joke that Metatron is a name that sounds so much like an anime thing that it's rather embarrassing to talk about being involved with this angel - it sounds pretentious to claim I work heavily with him.  It's an awesome sounding name, but it sounds silly a bit, at the same time.  I still kinda wanna get at least one bald cat, and name him Metatron.  If I get a second one, maybe I would call it Uriel, or after some other angel.  They could wear the sigils of these angels on their collars, along with their other tags.

-Saraƒin

Tuesday, 9 June 2020

More feelings about the use of restraints...

It's no secret that "Asylum Squad" is peppered with bondage overtones... that's part of the draw for a large contingent of its readership, I suppose.  I'm going to be opening up a little bit for this article: I am a person who enjoys bondage myself, but I am completely asexual about it.  Restraints are power items that bring me comfort and some mild romantic feelings.  I feel confident opening up about this because bondage is such a common fantasy thing for people... for me, it's a bit different - it has been a fun thing to play with, but it's also been a safety precaution because of what I have been through with my health.

I have been in institutional restraints probably about 6 or 7 times (I have lost count) while in hospital, usually because I was being self-destructive due to the torment in my soul, once as an extended punishment at CAMH for putting a mattress against my door while staff were making annoying faces at me through the cell window.  I have come to a point now where, as a bondage person, I am frustrated with my feelings, because they are mixed.  I wonder how many other people who have similar feelings, who have been restrained repeatedly while in hospital or prison, have also began to feel mixed things about what they do privately.  It seems I can no longer wear bondage without some kind of flashback to the abuse, where I start to get very self conscious about what I am doing.  I am not even quite as interested in it as I once was.

It was ok at times in hospital when staff were gentle about it - it was not frightening or upsetting, and it helped me to relax when I was panicking.  But when I was violently handled, it did something weird to me, and I have not been able to move beyond this.  It robbed me of my humanity for a while, and I was strapped down in such a position for so many hours that the cramping was unbearable by the end of it.  My wrists and ankles were black and blue the next day, which was embarrassing to explain to a visitor when she came to see me the following afternoon.  Restraints are no longer that "erotic" to me - I have a set, but I use them to go into a calming psychological headspace for when I feel like I want to self-injure, it's not as enjoyable in any other respect as it once was.  Of course, not having a partner, it's not much fun anyway, so maybe that's the other reason.  But living alone, it's a way of being held when there is no one there to hold me, during a bad day.  (Fun fact: Rather like Cath Schneider in "Asylum Squad", I once taunted the orderlies while they roughly handled me, just to make them feel uncomfortable about it.  Later, one of the same orderlies seemed oddly happy to see me in the corridor while on a pass.  Perv!)

I am owning this part of me, and have used it in activism, throwing it back at psychiatry as a kind of reappropriation thing both with the art in the comic and with bringing my strait-jacket to Mad Pride rallies, as a kind of taunt to CAMH for using restraints abusively on people on a daily basis, bringing attention to it.  I am not sure certain Mad Pride activists have appreciated my playful political taunt, some have been abused far worse than I have, so they fail to see the humour.  I have come to a place, when I reconsider the state of mind I was in, where I am not completely anti-restraint in hospital (because I feel I needed it when I was in danger of seriously injuring myself), but I feel there needs to be finer regulation, some greater patient consent to it, and certainly nothing like what I had to endure for hours and hours on end, when I wasn't even doing anything more than trying to get some privacy.  People have died in hospital because of extended use of restraints, or poorly applied ones.  So I guess my views are a bit controversial, only because I have seen the worst of what can happen in my own mind, not just because I have powerful feelings about bondage.

I do feel if I had had someone to hold me down or tie me up at that time back in 2012, when I was severely unwell, I wouldn't have attempted suicide.  It's been like walking an endless tightrope for the longest time, trying to stay safe, and I was fighting for my life every minute of the day for years.  That day was a weak one for me, and I almost lost the battle.  Thankfully, it seems the really dark times are behind me, and with time things are growing more and more positive.

It's possible I just need to give my healing more time to get past my awkward feelings about restraints.  It's a bit of a bummer, the superego tends to get weird with me over this sometimes.  I wish things were better in many ways - screw having a yacht.  My idea of success involves owning two bald cats and a padded cell.

-Saraƒin

Sunday, 7 June 2020

Prayers to Uriel...

A few days ago, I remembered to consider archangel Uriel, an angel I had petitioned back in 2018 for help in defeating my demon, along with several others - some more famous, like Michael and Gabriel, some slightly less known by most people, like Jeremiel and Mitzrael.  (Metatron was the heavy hitter, among them, that helped to actually destroy it - other angels merely made it more possible, and me a bit stronger.)  After praying to Uriel recently, I got a message that my soul was about to be alleviated of more suffering.  Since then, some despair I have had seems less intense, and my psychic channeling seems to be returning.  Last night was a little shitty until I reached out in prayer to Jesus and was able to get out of some bad evening anxiety.  Night is the time when my worries come out to haunt me - fears of the future, loneliness, concerns that everything will be taken away from me again.

What I think I have been interpreting badly is exactly what this "field" business is - I kept channeling about a bad field, but now I think it's more that my own field, my soul, is sick, corrupted by what this demon did to me.  Since October of 2018, when the demon died, I have still not felt that great, often channeling aggravating nonsense on bad psychic days, feeling sickly, having strange sensations, sometimes needing brief hospitalization again, not having the energy of someone my age, and yet not getting any sign from medical science that anything is unusual in blood tests, and even psychiatry began to respect my ideas more, now that I articulate myself well in ER interviews.  (When I go to a psychiatric ER, I don't talk about demons, I use language close enough to their own, like "Spiritual Problem" and "challenges that came out of personal esoteric practice"... one has to be cautious with these types, or they will just decide you are paranoid, since psychiatry is ruled by atheism right now.)

The Psalms seemed to tone things down a bit, or at least did something I could physically feel that was soothing while reciting them, but I guess angels were what I really needed to turn to.  Uriel is one I don't know too much about, but I invoked him at a time when I was desperately trying to end the reign this entity had over my soul.  Today I feel a bit more refreshed - not perfect, but I might have figured out a crucial component of what was needed for healing.  Other things have urged me forward, but nothing corrected me 100%, so I hope this was the last source I needed to consider, because I am absolutely exhausted.

Another interesting thing happened the other night - I think I heard Jesus talk to me.  Sometimes I get a channeled message as though it is what He might say, but lying in bed, I heard a gentle masculine voice, very soft, non intrusive (I had to really concentrate to hear it) - it said it was Jesus, encouraging me to hold on, that things are improving... I don't recall all the details.  I also got that He will be clearer in time, so I expect this to continue.

Rosary coven today - we do this every Sunday online.  A little Zoom social activity.  We get together as devotees and do rosary recitation together, then socialize with alcohol or whatever's in the fridge.  I might be back at work soon, because our business is back up and running, only that there aren't enough available hours for the part timers to pick up shifts again - all hours are going to full time employees.  I have to say, I have enjoyed the downtime greatly, even without much to do in the city.  It's been very healing.

-Saraƒin

Friday, 5 June 2020

New Catholic punk item I made!

Yesterday I bought the basic belt pictured here for less than $10.00, thinking I could modify it with crosses and give it the same treatment I gave that goth collar I bought a while back.  (I had seen a picture of a girl with a chain belt with crosses hanging from it, and decided to make something similar to that for myself.)

So I hit Queen St West's bead shops and bought some extra chain, mini crucifixes, links, and the bigger crucifix.  After a bit more shopping, I got home and put it all together, the result being what is pictured here.

I was talking to my rosary coven about the kind of look I am trying to go for - sort of a classic punk look, with a wayward schoolgirl style sometimes added (with kilts and cardigans), a bit of goth, and also - something I call "Vivienne Westwood goes to church".  I was trying to Google image anyone with a similar aesthetic to what I have pictured in my head, but photos were few and far between of any alternative dressers with rosaries and crucifixes.  All I know for fashion is - I recognize what works for my style immediately when I see it.  When I was a teenager, I wanted to go into fashion design until I realized how pricey it is to get into, and how unbelievably square most of the industry is.  So fashion is something I just play around with for fun, making stuff like this.

I want to mention briefly something I was going to write a separate article for, but it fits nicely with this one because of this new item I made.  I find reappropriating the Catholic faith, as one example, into a more progressive, queer friendly, feminist, empowering version of the religion, in both personal practice and in donning attire like this, much more beautiful and enriching than rejecting it outright in favour of something like adopting satanism.  Of course, in my case, it only made sense, having religious problems that required intervention from Divinity.  But while so many turn away from God entirely because of how shitty mainstream religion can be, turning instead to Satan (regardless of whether or not they actually believe in the devil - some just admire him as an idea), I find it ludicrous, especially for people who identify with left wing politics.  Yes, the church is full of toxic masculinity, but Satan is the KING of toxic masculinity, so to look to him as an image representing favourable human qualities, you might as well make Hitler the poster child for vegetarianism.  I may sound like a religious nut making that comparison, but keep in mind I was oppressed for over a decade by a satanic demon, so Satan is a name I don't appreciate.  I don't tend to talk too much about this with many except others who are either Christian or in some way religiously empathetic, I know how bizarre it sounds, but I hate Satan like any mystic who has ever been affected by diabolical forces, because of what happened to my life.  So The Satanic Temple, as well intentioned as they may be, look silly to me, especially in the way they conduct themselves.  They seem rather tasteless when I read some of their tactics, and even LaVeyans don't think much of them.  I can be virtually on the same page with many of their ideas without liking their aesthetic because of what it suggests to me.

-Saraƒin

Tuesday, 2 June 2020

Injustice...

I felt I should say something on here due to what's happening in the United States since the murder of George Floyd at the hands of police officers.  There's not much a white woman like me can say that hasn't been said a million times before, but I'll give it a try:

In the past, I have felt that perhaps rioting wasn't the best answer as far as protests go, but recently I have changed my mind.  Since nothing else that POC communities have tried has worked, including taking a knee as black athletes, peaceful protests, and other forms of gentler activism, I agree that their rage is justified, and might even usher in better results.  There have been protests in Toronto as well - I didn't attend, both due to my concern over catching COVID-19, but also because of my fear of the police legally harming me again, after having legal issues in the past.  Yet, I support the protests 100% - this happens far too often with police officers, the recent murder of Regis Korchinski-Paquet being another local example of police murdering a person who was both a person of colour and with mental health issues.  It makes my blood boil.  I liked to think there were good cops out there, but as one analogy recently stated - one bad apple can spoil the barrel.

Police really harmed my rights in society, stripping me of my home, having me locked away in a filthy institution for a while (the courts had the bigger hand in that I think - so that part was more white collar, not blue collar), but at least I was allowed to live.  As I mused on Facebook recently - if I had been any race other than white when I was unwell and confronted by the police, could I have been the next Sammy Yatim?  I was compliant enough, but often that's not enough for POC, as we have seen with George Floyd.  When I have talked to other (non-white) psychiatric survivors, their encounters with police were more physically aggressive than mine, and I believe it comes down to race, period.  I have been oppressed as a psychiatric survivor and as a poor woman, I have been sexualized both by individuals and by authorities even though I am asexual, but I have not been oppressed as a white person.

I Googled who the patron saint of social justice was, and found out it's St. Martin de Porres - it's neat that he's a person of colour.  I petitioned him the other day with a tobacco offering, asking for any justice that could come of what's going on with the rioting and protests, because nothing ever seems to work otherwise, at least not for long.  Some say we should abolish police forces - I don't know how we can arrive at a society capable of doing that, it sounds too utopic to be possible for this world.  In the meantime, let's hope that at least some radical change to what is be ushered in, because this racist sickness ruling society is out of control.

I also want to mention something on suffering vs injustice, and I don't know if I can nail this right now: I feel like injustice is a kind of suffering that shouldn't ever be, while certain forms of suffering can lead to refinement and be great teachers, if we adapt to it properly.  There are degrees.  We can work towards reducing suffering while being prepared for it when it comes our way, we should always fight to end injustice.  There is no way, as a white person, that I know injustice at the levels POC do, even though I have known injustice in other forms, as a poor woman, and as a psychiatric survivor.

-Saraƒin

"Like A Prayer" - Madonna
(Madonna seems to have a fling with St. Martin de Porres in this video, which apparently got her excommunicated.)

Monday, 1 June 2020

Soul confusion...

Oy - what a hodge podge of ideas I have... whatever level I am at spiritually, nothing is clear, even when it seems like I have had a brilliant insight into my situation.  My psychic sight (never sure how good it actually is, except to go by what others are telling me) is offline right now, I can't read for shit - I tried to read a friend of the family the other day (for pay) and it didn't work out, so I told her I would get back to her when it returns.  Fortunately, she was very understanding, so I will try again at a later date, and not ask for money if it turns out weak.

The more I consider what I know about mystics, the more I wonder - maybe the demon really is completely gone, and I am just profoundly confused with sensations I feel in my body, the way my channel is, the feelings I get.  So many of these classic Catholic mystics appear to be bedridden a lot of the time - if it's not stigmata, they have weird illnesses or are just so overwhelmed by phenomena they can barely do anything.  Gopi Krishna, a famous Indian kundalite, had problems with anorexia and sensations of great heat in his body, so it happens in the East as well.  Some days I just get so worried and overburdened by what I feel that I crawl into bed and cry until I am comforted by the channel.  But none of it is violent anymore... none of it is something I feel is a tooth and nail fight against anything malevolent.  The key sigil keeps coming through spirit drawing - as I mentioned before, I cast a little intention spell with an old toy handcuff key I buried by announcing I would commit this demon to death to rid myself of it... so perhaps that same key, coming though in drawings, is saying I no longer have to fight, it's over.  The last vision I had was of the Eye of Providence when I smudged with sweetgrass and called upon Metatron to kill the demon.  Phenomena right now is mostly probably nonsense, but it's hard to sort out the relevant from the irrelevant, if there is anything relevant to any of it.  Whatever mansion this is in the crystal castle of the soul (as St. Teresa of Avila would call it), it's not clear what God wants me to understand, but I do feel His love very powerfully, so I suspect I am in the 4th mansion of the 7, which is the equivalent of the Anahata, I suppose.  Which means I probably still have yet to go through mystical depression with the Dark Night of the Soul... GREAT.

I am going to try and commit to at least one round of the rosary per day to urge along the process, and keep reciting Psalms when I can't think of what else to do.  I wish I could go to church right now - I need to sit in one and take in the atmosphere again.  I am again considering confirmation in the Catholic church, but I would need to select a parish that is more liberal.  Our Lady of Lourdes in Toronto is more queer friendly than others, hosting a monthly queer mass, so if I do commit to this, I will likely go through them.  The other two I frequent are pretty inside but I often find the clergy there either arrogant or ultra conservative, or both.  Lourdes is humble and kind, from what I have seen.

I am just so confused right now in my mind - not psychotic, but not able to settle with ideas for long.  Consistency is lacking.  I have no spiritual director to talk to about this right now.  Although I am thankful for social supports in the part of the world I live to get me through this (I might have needed family to rely on otherwise) I am so bothered by how bankrupt Toronto is for spiritual needs.  I have to rely mostly on myself to figure things out, and I am not highly religiously educated.

My rosary coven has had some interesting things happen recently.  One member recently confirmed and was baptized Catholic, after completing the catechumen process.  As an Anglican, I might not have to jump through as many hoops, having already been baptized, but it's not like I can just sign a document and I'm in.  There's still a process, and this is a major commitment, one I am not yet sure I am ready to take.  But I think it's likely to happen someday... I just worry I require it to move on, and that if I don't do it soon, this will just continue crawling at a snail's pace, painfully.  But if I do join the church and I talk to the wrong priest about what I experience - that could also be bad.  So I have no idea what to do.

The other interesting thing is that another member is getting automatic mudras now when they pray the rosary.  I was aware of enough of my spiritual awakening studies to tell them that it's a very powerful sign from God that they are waking up, and to keep doing what they are doing.  Very exciting!

Mostly, I am miles beyond where I was as a soul, but still, there is dissatisfaction.  I wish some things were certain in my mind, and, if my future is to be bright, I wish I knew when these sweeping changes are to come to the way things are.

-Saraƒin