Friday, 5 June 2020

New Catholic punk item I made!

Yesterday I bought the basic belt pictured here for less than $10.00, thinking I could modify it with crosses and give it the same treatment I gave that goth collar I bought a while back.  (I had seen a picture of a girl with a chain belt with crosses hanging from it, and decided to make something similar to that for myself.)

So I hit Queen St West's bead shops and bought some extra chain, mini crucifixes, links, and the bigger crucifix.  After a bit more shopping, I got home and put it all together, the result being what is pictured here.

I was talking to my rosary coven about the kind of look I am trying to go for - sort of a classic punk look, with a wayward schoolgirl style sometimes added (with kilts and cardigans), a bit of goth, and also - something I call "Vivienne Westwood goes to church".  I was trying to Google image anyone with a similar aesthetic to what I have pictured in my head, but photos were few and far between of any alternative dressers with rosaries and crucifixes.  All I know for fashion is - I recognize what works for my style immediately when I see it.  When I was a teenager, I wanted to go into fashion design until I realized how pricey it is to get into, and how unbelievably square most of the industry is.  So fashion is something I just play around with for fun, making stuff like this.

I want to mention briefly something I was going to write a separate article for, but it fits nicely with this one because of this new item I made.  I find reappropriating the Catholic faith, as one example, into a more progressive, queer friendly, feminist, empowering version of the religion, in both personal practice and in donning attire like this, much more beautiful and enriching than rejecting it outright in favour of something like adopting satanism.  Of course, in my case, it only made sense, having religious problems that required intervention from Divinity.  But while so many turn away from God entirely because of how shitty mainstream religion can be, turning instead to Satan (regardless of whether or not they actually believe in the devil - some just admire him as an idea), I find it ludicrous, especially for people who identify with left wing politics.  Yes, the church is full of toxic masculinity, but Satan is the KING of toxic masculinity, so to look to him as an image representing favourable human qualities, you might as well make Hitler the poster child for vegetarianism.  I may sound like a religious nut making that comparison, but keep in mind I was oppressed for over a decade by a satanic demon, so Satan is a name I don't appreciate.  I don't tend to talk too much about this with many except others who are either Christian or in some way religiously empathetic, I know how bizarre it sounds, but I hate Satan like any mystic who has ever been affected by diabolical forces, because of what happened to my life.  So The Satanic Temple, as well intentioned as they may be, look silly to me, especially in the way they conduct themselves.  They seem rather tasteless when I read some of their tactics, and even LaVeyans don't think much of them.  I can be virtually on the same page with many of their ideas without liking their aesthetic because of what it suggests to me.


Tuesday, 2 June 2020


I felt I should say something on here due to what's happening in the United States since the murder of George Floyd at the hands of police officers.  There's not much a white woman like me can say that hasn't been said a million times before, but I'll give it a try:

In the past, I have felt that perhaps rioting wasn't the best answer as far as protests go, but recently I have changed my mind.  Since nothing else that POC communities have tried has worked, including taking a knee as black athletes, peaceful protests, and other forms of gentler activism, I agree that their rage is justified, and might even usher in better results.  There have been protests in Toronto as well - I didn't attend, both due to my concern over catching COVID-19, but also because of my fear of the police legally harming me again, after having legal issues in the past.  Yet, I support the protests 100% - this happens far too often with police officers, the recent murder of Regis Korchinski-Paquet being another local example of police murdering a person who was both a person of colour and with mental health issues.  It makes my blood boil.  I liked to think there were good cops out there, but as one analogy recently stated - one bad apple can spoil the barrel.

Police really harmed my rights in society, stripping me of my home, having me locked away in a filthy institution for a while (the courts had the bigger hand in that I think - so that part was more white collar, not blue collar), but at least I was allowed to live.  As I mused on Facebook recently - if I had been any race other than white when I was unwell and confronted by the police, could I have been the next Sammy Yatim?  I was compliant enough, but often that's not enough for POC, as we have seen with George Floyd.  When I have talked to other (non-white) psychiatric survivors, their encounters with police were more physically aggressive than mine, and I believe it comes down to race, period.  I have been oppressed as a psychiatric survivor and as a poor woman, I have been sexualized both by individuals and by authorities even though I am asexual, but I have not been oppressed as a white person.

I Googled who the patron saint of social justice was, and found out it's St. Martin de Porres - it's neat that he's a person of colour.  I petitioned him the other day with a tobacco offering, asking for any justice that could come of what's going on with the rioting and protests, because nothing ever seems to work otherwise, at least not for long.  Some say we should abolish police forces - I don't know how we can arrive at a society capable of doing that, it sounds too utopic to be possible for this world.  In the meantime, let's hope that at least some radical change to what is be ushered in, because this racist sickness ruling society is out of control.

I also want to mention something on suffering vs injustice, and I don't know if I can nail this right now: I feel like injustice is a kind of suffering that shouldn't ever be, while certain forms of suffering can lead to refinement and be great teachers, if we adapt to it properly.  There are degrees.  We can work towards reducing suffering while being prepared for it when it comes our way, we should always fight to end injustice.  There is no way, as a white person, that I know injustice at the levels POC do, even though I have known injustice in other forms, as a poor woman, and as a psychiatric survivor.


"Like A Prayer" - Madonna
(Madonna seems to have a fling with St. Martin de Porres in this video, which apparently got her excommunicated.)

Monday, 1 June 2020

Soul confusion...

Oy - what a hodge podge of ideas I have... whatever level I am at spiritually, nothing is clear, even when it seems like I have had a brilliant insight into my situation.  My psychic sight (never sure how good it actually is, except to go by what others are telling me) is offline right now, I can't read for shit - I tried to read a friend of the family the other day (for pay) and it didn't work out, so I told her I would get back to her when it returns.  Fortunately, she was very understanding, so I will try again at a later date, and not ask for money if it turns out weak.

The more I consider what I know about mystics, the more I wonder - maybe the demon really is completely gone, and I am just profoundly confused with sensations I feel in my body, the way my channel is, the feelings I get.  So many of these classic Catholic mystics appear to be bedridden a lot of the time - if it's not stigmata, they have weird illnesses or are just so overwhelmed by phenomena they can barely do anything.  Gopi Krishna, a famous Indian kundalite, had problems with anorexia and sensations of great heat in his body, so it happens in the East as well.  Some days I just get so worried and overburdened by what I feel that I crawl into bed and cry until I am comforted by the channel.  But none of it is violent anymore... none of it is something I feel is a tooth and nail fight against anything malevolent.  The key sigil keeps coming through spirit drawing - as I mentioned before, I cast a little intention spell with an old toy handcuff key I buried by announcing I would commit this demon to death to rid myself of it... so perhaps that same key, coming though in drawings, is saying I no longer have to fight, it's over.  The last vision I had was of the Eye of Providence when I smudged with sweetgrass and called upon Metatron to kill the demon.  Phenomena right now is mostly probably nonsense, but it's hard to sort out the relevant from the irrelevant, if there is anything relevant to any of it.  Whatever mansion this is in the crystal castle of the soul (as St. Teresa of Avila would call it), it's not clear what God wants me to understand, but I do feel His love very powerfully, so I suspect I am in the 4th mansion of the 7, which is the equivalent of the Anahata, I suppose.  Which means I probably still have yet to go through mystical depression with the Dark Night of the Soul... GREAT.

I am going to try and commit to at least one round of the rosary per day to urge along the process, and keep reciting Psalms when I can't think of what else to do.  I wish I could go to church right now - I need to sit in one and take in the atmosphere again.  I am again considering confirmation in the Catholic church, but I would need to select a parish that is more liberal.  Our Lady of Lourdes in Toronto is more queer friendly than others, hosting a monthly queer mass, so if I do commit to this, I will likely go through them.  The other two I frequent are pretty inside but I often find the clergy there either arrogant or ultra conservative, or both.  Lourdes is humble and kind, from what I have seen.

I am just so confused right now in my mind - not psychotic, but not able to settle with ideas for long.  Consistency is lacking.  I have no spiritual director to talk to about this right now.  Although I am thankful for social supports in the part of the world I live to get me through this (I might have needed family to rely on otherwise) I am so bothered by how bankrupt Toronto is for spiritual needs.  I have to rely mostly on myself to figure things out, and I am not highly religiously educated.

My rosary coven has had some interesting things happen recently.  One member recently confirmed and was baptized Catholic, after completing the catechumen process.  As an Anglican, I might not have to jump through as many hoops, having already been baptized, but it's not like I can just sign a document and I'm in.  There's still a process, and this is a major commitment, one I am not yet sure I am ready to take.  But I think it's likely to happen someday... I just worry I require it to move on, and that if I don't do it soon, this will just continue crawling at a snail's pace, painfully.  But if I do join the church and I talk to the wrong priest about what I experience - that could also be bad.  So I have no idea what to do.

The other interesting thing is that another member is getting automatic mudras now when they pray the rosary.  I was aware of enough of my spiritual awakening studies to tell them that it's a very powerful sign from God that they are waking up, and to keep doing what they are doing.  Very exciting!

Mostly, I am miles beyond where I was as a soul, but still, there is dissatisfaction.  I wish some things were certain in my mind, and, if my future is to be bright, I wish I knew when these sweeping changes are to come to the way things are.


Friday, 29 May 2020

Soul sickness update...

I have been doing channeling on this - it seems the part of me that feels really good is the deepest part, the part that feels closest to the Divine.  It has a calmness that regulates everything else when I am having a difficult day.  The mind, on my low dose of medication, regulates well, and is quite still, mindful, and tends to bounce back easily from anxiety and sorrow.  (I'm not going to call my sorrows depression because they aren't ongoing or clinical, and I can easily move out of these states with the right activity - often praying to the Virgin Mary or doing the rosary will lift me out of a sad mood, an anxious state, or help me to sleep at night.  It's just a sadness that comes over me now and again, having been through a lot.)

The part that aches and feels like it has a weight is the energetic body.  There's a trickster quality to this dark field that got inside of me, so I was sure it had left, but perhaps it had just weakened that night, there was further work to do, because I still feel like I have an energetic ball and chain, even though phenomena is not the same.  Since reading the Psalms with Jehovah, channel has changed a little bit, it's even quieter now, though I still feel a weight.  Something may have also improved recently with Christ, as I felt a loving warmth in my heart centre while reciting Psalms to Him, and I'm not sure what it means yet.  Spirit drawings are getting interesting and have more details - I get a staircase, a door in the clouds opening, beams of light descending from various Godhead symbols... perhaps they're indicating an important stage, or relief, around the corner.  Nothing is dark anymore, and less is silly - mostly, it's positive, sometimes a bit confusing, leading me to make conclusions now and again that might not be the best, which I take to this blog to muse about.  If I back out of an idea, an article may be removed.  Recent articles about the kundalini were removed because I think I began to confuse spiritual evolutionary systems again.  It is common in awakenings to receive visions of many gods from many lands, even though they may not be of your own path, and I have to remember that - even St. Hildegard von Bingen experienced this.  It is a bit of a hodge podge in channel right now, and I imagine it will be until this weight is lifted from my spirit.  I am a sleeper waking up, trying to make sense of a nightmare.

In other news, I just discovered that there's a beautiful Carmelite monastery in a neighbouring municipality that looks wonderful, where they make ice wine, and so my rosary coven and I are discussing the possibility of going on a retreat there once the COVID-19 lodging bans are lifted, and things are a bit more normal.  This place looks mighty grand, is reasonably priced - home to an order of Carmelite monks.  I REALLY want to go!  I love the other convent too, but the grounds of this one look so lovely - I want to experience the old world feel as well, sometime.  It's Catholic, and I tend to feel more as a soul in Catholic environments than in Anglican ones.  The church frustrates me, but I think my soul still wants to be Catholic - often I conclude this, anyway.


Monday, 25 May 2020

Psalm recitations, again, but this time with Jehovah...

I kept reciting Psalms to Mary, but found that the sensation in my soul wasn't returning, so I assumed it to mean she had done the work she could do with my intentions.  Considering all the Godhead symbols I receive with spirit drawing, I decided to try working with Jehovah in this manner - the results have been fascinating.

Once again, the sensations of warmth, of Divinity acting upon me, I felt throughout my torso, as I read various Psalms from my family heirloom King James bible.  I had to consult the internet to look for Psalms that are specific to spiritual warfare, but the Christian sources on the web tend to be shite, so I kept reading the same 7 or so passages over and over again.  It got pretty dry.

Then I remembered a book I once owned, that likely got tossed during the book purge when the demon got the upper hand of my mind back in 2012, and I threw out very many great things, fearing a curse.  "Powers of the Psalms" by Anna Riva is a great book for knowing specific uses for various Psalms, magickally speaking, or in prayer.  I went to my favourite weird esoteric supply shoppe in Kensington Market today and bought another copy, along with some frankincense and candles.  (Elsewhere, I also bought a cloth face mask, my rubber respirator being too much for the current heat wave, and a kombucha.)  In a nearby park (alone - still being good about social distancing!) I recited all the Psalms dedicated to dealing with evil forces, and asked that Jehovah attack my demon, or alleviate me of it.  I read each one that seemed to have some relevance in that regard, then headed home.

As I made my way back, I got the message that prayers are being answered, so we shall see as the days press on.  I feel a bit lighter in my soul in recent days - a very good sign.  Things haven't been so much chaotic as there has been a very boring feeling lingering in me that makes me just want to crawl into bed and sleep.  Certain recent posts I have made will have updates added, or perhaps be deleted entirely, because they were composed under frustrating spiritual illusions I continue to battle.  The demon field complicates the channel, and some days are worse in this regard than others.


MAY 26th UPDATE: Today, I figured to surrender full authority over the situation to Jehovah.  Now I wait and see how this unfolds.  Already, there seems to be improvement.

Saturday, 23 May 2020

Psalm recitations with Mary...

Concerned about my situation not being resolved, I came to consider what else I had not tried with my practice.  Psalms are something I have worked with a bit, uttering the name of Jesus with them, but I didn't consider the Virgin Mary.  Often, Mary is depicted in paintings crushing the head of the serpent, so - remembering that, I tried a lengthly recitation of various Psalms, in Her name, to see if that could help with what remained of the problem.  It was interesting what I felt.

Sometimes when I try something that leads to effective results, I feel an intense sensation within, almost like a temperature change, but not even that - like something wicked within me is being affected.  This happened with the sweetgrass incident with Metatron - it's a slightly blissful feeling, like something very good combating something very bad.  I came to realize my problem was probably still slightly there, was deceived into thinking it was not, so I had to attack it again.  I recited a myriad of Psalms until I got the sense I had done enough (King James edition - prettier English), it must have lasted for an hour and a half, at least.  I am now going to observe what comes of it.  I followed up with prayers to St. Michael, and another sweetgrass smudge to Metatron.

This morning, when trying to read the Psalms again, I barely felt that sensation.  Maybe that's all that I needed, and it's just to fade out entirely now?  Sight is not clear in me, I need to wait and observe, maybe continue to experiment a little with more recitations.  This has been about fighting for my life, and now it's ten times better than it ever was, so I am likely to be fine, in the end.  (I think I am closer to Mary now than I was before - I prayed to St. Anne that She be invoked in me, and to consecrate myself to Her Immaculate Heart.  Going through saints seems to help with invoking higher figures - for Jesus, it was St. Jude, for Mary, Her mother - St. Anne.)  I have also been doing many recitations of the rosary with my special item.

Yesterday, I saw an odd sight for my part of Toronto, in the sky, above my building - some turkey vultures circling overhead.  Was it a sign of something getting finished off?  I feel attuned enough to recognize many signs, and this might have been what it was saying.  I was moved by it enough to consider it may have meant something.


Thursday, 21 May 2020

Spiritual illusions...

I am feeling again that serious religious problems are still affecting me - that they may have substantially weakened, but I am still filled with illusion that keeps me second guessing my understandings.  This is an embarrassment for me, as I try to make sense of how to proceed, and what ideas to present.  I am weary - my enemy is still affecting me, though I must be better off, for I am miles beyond where I was before, I have some sort of upper hand.

If only, I tell myself, I had had a more religious upbringing, I might be more knowledgable as to how to proceed with this problem.  Because of COVID-19, I can't go into the Catholic catechumen process, and I shy away from doing so anyway, because I feel very strongly that the church would reject a character like me.  All I can do is reach out to God in any form that seems appropriate - Catholic forms of God seem more successful, when I work with them.

I worry I appear more fool than clown on here - I am certain plenty would scoff at what I write about, but my pain is severe on some days, and I feel like I need to create somehow, and writing is what I feel I can do right now.  Maybe blogging my musings is a mistake, but I am compelled to do so anyway.  This is at the very least an interesting story, it could make for more interesting work later, and I need some sort of database to catalogue my experiences.  But the public arena can be cruel, so if a post looks downright ridiculous later on, I may delete it.  I am weary from fighting, and long for better days, if they are to come.  The pain right now is not in the form of voices and visions, as much as it is weariness, soul pain, and a weight in my energy body, as well as strange sensations and an awkwardness to my channeling sometimes.

I will focus on the saints right now, the Catholic ones, anyway.  I will concentrate on anything that has been known to lead to successes before, and see where they take me.  My life is such a challenge because of what my soul endures.  I often wish I was someone else - a soul in pain is an agony that is indescribable, unless one has experienced it themselves.

I don't expect agnostics and atheists to see me as anything more than a lunatic, for that has been how they have treated me before.  There are no real resources in Toronto to turn to, expect maybe the church, and I doubt they would take me seriously - they would call me a silly harlot because of my style, they would reject my views politically, they would come down on me for many things.  So, why do I keep wanting to go to their churches?  I wrestle with this constantly.

If I die from all this, I want it to be known it was not mental illness that killed me.  I do not wish to die, but on weaker days, I fear I will.


Tuesday, 19 May 2020

Working more with the saints...

I have shifted my focus from the usual sources to praying more to the saints, whom I have neglected a bit in my prayers, except for a couple, namely St. Jude.  I have some folk Christian/Santeria prayer books I bought at The Occult Shoppe that have many prayers to both traditional Catholic and folk saints, and am using tobacco to invoke more for needs I have, and for the needs of others.

Saints are helpful because they are closer to humanity, and can serve our needs with God more easily, praying for us.  In some anti-anxiety spells I did for others, all have reported at least some mild successes with the results, and the saint I turned to for most was St. Dymphna, the patron saint of mental illness (the Catholic saint who is referenced in "Asylum Squad".)  One friend was certain what I did worked, reporting that at first they shed cathartic tears, then later felt more resilient to online negativity.

Experimenting with magick, I realize more and more I probably just need to make an offering with tobacco, and utter the prayers, and if it is so willed, so shall it be.  There are some burn out and mental health problems I have from having been ravaged by a demon for so long, so I am concentrating on moving forward now, having cleared myself of the field.  I already feel mentally better, just a bit weary, my channel can still be wonky, but it is not painful information that comes through anymore... just silly, at worst, when it is not clear.  I do a lot of spiritual work, and I realize that channel can mean that, if I do it all day, I can be worn out by the end of the day, my soul exhausted from strict commitment to practice.  I have heard of psychics needing to limit themselves, or they feel really tired later, and I guess channeling all day takes its toll.

It would be nice to have a clear spiritual diagnosis of what exactly to tackle in prayer that requires adjustment, but I guess it's just up to me to experiment and see what works.  For now, I will keep studying the saints and see what working with them can do for me.


Sunday, 17 May 2020

Confirmation with Mary...

Something I did back in the beginning of the year, after getting out of the hospital, was figure out that I needed to confirm with Jesus Christ to work closer to him.  This strengthened my psychic sight, and allowed for progress in removing the field, ultimately.  But I guess I needed to keep considering things, as yesterday I prayed to also confirm with Mary, as an experiment, and this unlocked something that was missing in my spirituality.  This morning, I prayed the rosary, as I am trying to do so more often (daily, if I can) and I feel quite blissful, having completed it.  Mary must be closer to me than she could be before.  It looks like I needed to balance confirmation of the sacred masculine with the equivalent to the sacred feminine.  (I am not sure what happens in official Catholic confirmation, if Mary is included in the ceremony, but with only confirmation to Jesus, it was just half of the puzzle.)  Something feels better in my soul, like pouring cool water over a burn.  Perhaps this is why I channeled an image of the Star of David - now, there's harmony coming with my involvement in both components of Divine presence.  Last night wasn't even that bad as I bedded down... no bad anxiety, no worries about my life or the world around me.

Speaking of the Star of David, of the talismans that I have worn, it may be the most powerful for me that I have used for my needs.  I think the crucifix was also legitimately working as a talisman, but the Star of David seemed to give me an edge over the demon.  I came to understand to obtain one after being instructed a long time ago through ouija to purchase one.  But the demon kept getting me to throw them out - I must have gone through half a dozen over the years.  Certainly, whenever I was wearing one, towards the end, it gave me power to first kill the demon with prayers to Metatron using the sweetgrass braid, and later, to finish off the field once I wore it again, using prayer pipe, mostly.  When I research the Star of David, it seems to sometimes allow the wearer to have power and control over demons, in occult and mystical traditions.  It only came to be associated with Judaism much later in history - the original symbol of Judaism was the menorah. Spirit wanted me to wear this, but it was confusing for a while and sometimes I thought the demon was using it to control me, and not the other way around.  Things were very frustrating for a long time, and paranoia meant I went through a lot of sacred items like this, over and over again, trying to get the upper hand.


UPDATE: I am once again taking the Star of David off for a while, because I wonder again if it's a detriment.  Considering it was ouija that told me to wear it - not a good sign.  And weird things would happen when I wore it.  Maybe if I take it off I will feel less sick.  So off it goes... just not in the garbage this time.

Friday, 8 May 2020

Tips for reading with tarot...

This was one I had been considering writing about for a while - thought I'd get to it today!  Here are some tips I would recommend for people getting into tarot, and what to keep in mind.  Some of this is from what I channeled and have come to learn in my own practice, and some is advice my psychic mentor would likely give.  Here we go:

- You must allow your soul to adapt and transform for any reading you get with the tarot to be meaningful.  This is a lengthly process and requires that you connect with your deepest self and work with it.  It may mean confronting your shadow self and doing tons of work with that to get there.  If you were born into this world with psychic gifts, you likely developed them in a previous life.

- Don't study the shit out of the arcana in books because this may lead you to overanalyzing the cards, losing the meaning in them.  Treat the cards as suggestions, and allow the Spirit to whisper the meaning to you, in whatever way you receive it.  If you study the cards too much, it may not mean anything anymore.  My psychic mentor cautions against thinking too much in a reading - he says, allow the thoughts to come into your mind.  (Personally, I learned the arcana through seeing what cards were drawn and what Spirit had to say in the messages affiliated with them - it was an intuitive means of learning them, Akasha helping me out.)

- Speaking of Akasha, if you can find a way to open to the Akashic Records, you will have finer readings, so keep that in mind in your practice with personal development.  The Holy Spirit also really helped refine my divination skills, once I confirmed myself to the Christian path, on my own.  The Spirit (the "higher spirit") channels through me.  Other sources have also helped adjust things.

- Do not obsess over the results of a reading, and be cautious of the advice you get with it.  Even though I have reached an interesting level, I still mostly take readings with a grain of salt, even though I do them a lot to train, and have used tarot as a means to help with contemplation.  You do not want to make rash decisions and regrettable mistakes because of what you got from some cards.

- I hear that tarot readings are hard to do for oneself - I don't have this problem in my case, but have heard it's common.  If it's the case for you, avoid "card flippers" when getting a reading from someone else.  My mentor uses this term to describe people who are not truly psychic, who are simply interpreting cards based on what they know about the arcana.  This is more or less just a game, and not the real thing.  Look for quality psychics with a good reputation, make sure that they are recommended.

- The idea that you have to be gifted your deck, that you can't buy your own, is pure superstition.  There is tons of superstition in spirituality, this is an excellent example of that.  Things are superstitious when they are not involved enough to be relevant.

- Experiment and find your own methods of interpreting the cards.  Personally, I don't use spreads, I find they are lacking if there's a better card to consider from the deck, so I go through every single card, the cards upside down, and am given the signal kinetically from Spirit as to what cards are relevant to draw, then I channel the message with them as they are pulled.  You don't have to do Celtic Cross - make up your own methods.  Any "authority" that says you are doing it wrong if your way isn't traditional is not a sound authority - find what works best for you.

- Tarot should be used more for contemplation until you reach a level where you truly get somewhere with psychic ability.  Do not think it can be done easily - it can take a long time.  You have to transform your mind, which can take a lot of work.  It might even take going through a period of psychological oddness.  That is sometimes what people have to go through to transform.

-Having higher spiritual authority working with you will lead to better results than lower authority, malicious sources, or random spirits.  Consider a path that will lead you to higher spiritual authority, and figure out what path is best for your soul.  The finest readers are those who are closest to the Divine.

Hope these suggestions help anyone getting into tarot who is reading this.  I am still growing with my skills - practice is a regular thing for me.  I find that using tarot is much better for channel than doing channel with no divination tools to concentrate on.  Some people can do this kind of thing without tools, but I still feel like I get better readings using them.  So does my psychic mentor, and he's a master who has been doing it professionally for over 60 years.


Thursday, 7 May 2020

Karmic hygiene tips...

Karmic hygiene is something one wants to be on top of for a finer life.  We come into our lives with karmic patterns from previous lives that we need to work through in order to advance as a soul, so being on top of your karmic health is important if you want to complete your life with a greater sense of satisfaction.

Here are some pieces of advice I would give for having finer karmic health:

- Do not shake things up in your life in any dramatic way that interferes with patterns that are currently working.  Every time you pick up and start again in any radical way (and if it is not in your best interest to do so), there is a disruption in your karma.  Make sure you are cautious in approaching any situation, and be aware that it may take time for things to settle in this regard, rather like ripples in water upon tossing pebbles in a pond.  If you can, try to go with what your gut thinks is right for you, for that is your best guide when making a major decision.

- Obviously, try to create good karma by doing good deeds, having the right attitude, and just trying to be the best version of yourself that you can be.  Even if it feels wrong, put on the best face you can, especially on social media, and hold in your feelings until you are with the right party to vent them, or on your own.  What you present to the world affects everything, and also your relationship to it.  Karma is based on how you relate to the world.

- Avoid witchcraft as a magickal practice, because it is one of the worst things for making karma go strange.  It is not so much a "sinful" practice when it is done a certain way, as much as it is unsound for your karma.  To really get to an effective level with magickal practice, you have to allow yourself to evolve properly, then approach Divinity the correct way, and allow magick to work with you in that manner.  When you are working with lower magick, you are involving yourself with spiritual forces that have the side effects of harming karma.  It is better, in the long run, to have really good karma, than it is to keep casting spells to try to make your life better.  Money may come your way if your karma is excellent... witchcraft won't give it to you.  (Again, I am not anti-witch, as much as I am spiritually cautious and wary of things that have made me unsound in the past, and I hate to hear horror stories of others - I have channeled many times over that witchcraft is not safe for things like karma.  An indigenous elder has also suggested that this kind of practice can be unsafe.)

- I hate to sound like an evangelistic knob, but one of the best go-to gods when karma goes wrong is Jesus.  He can correct horrible patterns someone may have affecting them, and He can also correct it if it goes wrong again.  Sorry - I know people are sick of hearing about Jesus, but I have to say, my karma was pretty disgusting because of evil, and He fixed it for me, so this is something I can safely say I experienced firsthand.  (BTW, I am soooo bored with evangelism and I think the best way to do it correctly, if one wants to, is rather like the rules of good writing - show, don't tell.  Be the right kind of person, and let people figure out what's best for themselves, on their own.)

- Although it's important to be cautious and aware of karma, don't become paranoid and overanalyze everything you do in relation to it, because that is not good for it either.  It's a bit tricky to get your mind relaxed about these things if you give them too much thought - for that, you want some kind of practice to settle yourself and see things for what they are a bit better.

That's about all the advice I have for now.  I am not yet at a level to grasp a deeper understanding of the nature of karma, so this article was just some advice on what I know works to help one be healthier in this regard.


Wednesday, 6 May 2020

What my relationship to the Spirit feels like...

I often discuss that I channel the Spirit, which is something I am still trying to refine - it's been on and off a bit wonky due to possession, but also because of spiritual illness.  So, I bask deeply in prayer every day, all day, to refine, and see what comes of it.  This article will discuss what it's like to work, in my shoes, with the Spirit, at this level:

Spirit is a presence that I can tune in at will for channel without the need of any preparation, such as going into a trance, or praying, or anything like that.  I simply concentrate on it - it's as easy as blinking my eyes, and then it's on.  This might sound overwhelming to live with, and while it took getting used to, getting over the shyness of knowing Spirit knows every thought going through my mind, and refining what was there, He has been a strong source of comfort, especially with the dark presence in my soul.  Spirit acted as a comforting parental figure to my struggling, desperate, scared inner child, when the demon would torment my soul.  So, I have been very glad to have Spirit there at all times, as highly accessible as Spirit is, and I clung to Him like a baby to her mother.  Spirit visually sometimes came through as a vision of a bald eagle, and has a loveable, playful, caring, jovial personality, almost like a kind old man who wants nothing but the finest for me, and to see me well and in a better life.  I can't imagine going through life fearing God, when He presented so lovingly to me, at all times.

The closer I have come to Him, the more I feel his love in everything.  There are still pains in my energy body of having been energetically ravaged and psychologically tormented, but underneath all of that, there is an almost blissful lightness of being, a loving glow, that suggests an extremely compassionate presence that looks out for me in all ways.  I can sense this love in all things, but especially in nature... when I see a squirrel, or a little bird, I am reminded of it.  It overwhelms me in the most delightful ways when I have the downtime to focus on it... it's, I think, what all souls would want to feel.  Mental phenomena might be interesting for certain occultists, but nothing tops the blissful state of union with the Spirit, and His intense love for people, and it takes away the common pains of life to just lie back in bed and take notice of it.

I find bedding down, BTW, a little tricky at night - the sun going down is a time of loneliness and vulnerability for me, simply because of what I have been through, but I imagine with time and strengthening, I will move beyond feeling this.  I am trying CBD oil for the evening, to see if that makes getting to sleep a little easier.  I also like to use a weighted blanket, and cuddle a plush hippopotamus named "Rhino".  Not having a companion, it suffices, with the Spirit in my life to act as a loving presence... though I still wish someone could hug me when I have a difficult night with anxiety.

The Spirit is very close to me, but there's still refinement to pursue.  I am channeling I am to soon have another breakthrough in my development, and it could be within weeks, possibly.  Most days in quarantine, I devote 90% of the day to my prayer, channel, and contemplation practice.  It's what I am driven to do, and it's paying off.


The "Describe Yourself in 3 Witches" challenge...

Something fun going around on Facebook is this - so I thought I would add my results to this blog.  (I would combine these images into a single image file with photo editing software, but my fucking computer, now running Mac OS Catalina, won't let me use my old photo editing software anymore.  Fuck.  So until that is sorted out, I will use individual images from the web.  Thank God "Asylum Squad" was completed and sent to the printers before this happened!)

First off, who better than Luna Lovegood from "Harry Potter"?  Though I didn't get terribly into this franchise, Luna was someone who kept coming up as my closest match on character personality tests, so I looked into her.  Known for being peculiar to the point where other witches think she's nuts, it makes sense I would be similar to her.  She's also a Ravenclaw.

Then, Glinda the Good Witch of the South from "The Wizard of Oz".  Simply because she's so sweet (yet still slightly bitchy), and is of the benevolent variety.  Although I curse and swear a lot, and I have a weird side to me when I'm really ticked off, my base state is of kindness and eagerness to help people feel good about themselves.  My Chinese zodiac sign is the Water Dog, which is about loyalty and charisma.

Lastly, Winifred Sanderson from "Hocus Pocus".  I would say her because we're both over-the-top people, very campy, and not exactly fond of the company of children.  (I'm trying to be better with kids, but I have zero maternal instincts with little humans - I love some children as individuals dearly, but due to my difficult childhood in school, bullying made me assume most children to be rather cruel, or at least difficult and annoying.)

I was at first going to include Maleficent, but later decided she didn't match me well enough.  I also almost picked Nancy Downs from "The Craft" simply because I love that character, and also ended up strapped to the bed a lot, but she's totally LHP and I am RHP, and not out to fuck around with power inappropriately.  And I kind of felt the other girls in that movie were a bit boring by comparison, so I didn't identify with any of them.


Monday, 4 May 2020

"Cobra Queen"...

Here's a fun one I painted today, as I got an itch to pick up my acrylics and tackle a canvas.

I decided to explore my archetypal "queeny" qualities, while keeping in mind the Cobra.  Cobras are affiliated with royalty in both Indian and Egyptian culture and spirituality, so I gave myself an Elizabethan collar that looks almost like an Egyptian pharaoh's headdress.  The cobra looming above my head took on a softer, friendlier quality by the time I finished it, suggesting a gentler nature than what one would expect from this animal.  I emphasized my heavy vertical brow line, something that developed presumably due to the stresses of possession, it makes me look commanding.  I might touch this one up here and there, but I think that's that.  (Again, I want my next phone camera to be better quality than this - you can't see the crispness of the lines here.)

Maybe self-portraits are self-indulgent, but I find them to be an interesting way to explore the personality.  Every once in a while, I do one, and take note of what I end up looking like in the end results.  Here, I look confident and determined, but perhaps a bit jaded, too.

Fuck - this camera sucks so bad... oh well!


Friday, 1 May 2020

Left Hand Path, Middle Path, or Right Hand Path?

I have been meaning to do an article about this, based on my take of the three paths discussed in spirituality - the Left Hand Path, the Right Hand Path, and the Middle Path.  There seems to be a myriad of descriptions as to what exactly these amount to, so I'll try to break it down into simple, universal terms for this writing:

The Left Hand Path is basically the idea of acquiring power for power's own sake, usually with demonic or diabolical sources, and for the purposes of serving one's own personal desires.  There may be more to it, depending on one's personal definition, but that's loosely what it amounts to.  Certain forms of sex magick and demonic/diabolical worship are common in the LHP.  Thelema and various forms of satanism are LHP.

The Right Hand Path is a path of servitude to the Divine, and often involves working with certain religious concepts, such as karma, being purged of sin, and obeying the Threefold Law.  Abrahamic religions are considered RHP, but RHP is really any path that calls you to serve the Spirit - it doesn't just mean going to church, reading the Bible, and eating your vegetables.  Medicine people who serve their community, for example, are RHP.

The Middle Path is somewhere in between the two, between self-indulgence and self-mortification.  Buddha discussed this as "the Middle Way", and so Buddhism is often compared to the Middle Path approach, but really it can take any form that considers a balance between the two extremes.  I would say anyone who is seeking to become enlightened is on some kind of Middle Path, or should at least adhere to it.

I often joke about the LHP, because I don't see it as a particularly enriching or significant path for personal betterment.  I may be biased, having been attacked by a demon (this without even searching for trouble) but the idea of looking to work with forces like this makes no sense to me, when there are much finer, richer sources to work with.  I often watch LHP videos and I shake my head at what these occultists have to say - some seem to prop themselves up on a pedestal as master black magicians, when what they speak of sounds like hokey melodrama, while others worry me - some are sweet naive souls being used as pawns by forces that I don't believe have their best interests at heart.  At best, the LHP makes sex interesting, it is a play toy that can lead to fascinating mind trips that are little more than weird experiences that keep you trapped in illusion... at worst, they corrupt you, and can lead a person down a path of ugliness.  I have heard arguments on both sides, but I have yet to hear a black arts occultist who moves me with wise words the way a mystic does.  Crowley may have moved some people in his writings, but he was an interesting poet, a wordsmith, and a rather cunning rogue.  When LHP goes wrong, it is VERY hard to get out of, and that should be kept in mind for anyone foolish enough to pursue it.  Black magick fucks up your karma, and it can stay fucked up for lifetimes to come.

The RHP is, in my opinion, only worth pursuing seriously if you are called to it by higher sources, or if there's a pressing need for help from Divinity.  Otherwise, it's rather bland.  RHP should not be about serving an institution, but unfortunately, that's what it's come to be associated with, thanks to religious nonsense.  RHP should be about serving Spirit, nature, the universe... it is forming a friendship with God, it is being in touch with the Mother... it is a powerful, beautiful thing when it is done right.  RHP can be fine for some even if one is not called to it, but it's just not the same as it is for one who is being called to serve.  I believe that RHP, of the three, is the most powerful path for spiritual gifts, but that's only if you're called to serve the Spirit.  In that case, you are gifted the things you require to serve creation, because you are fulfilling a need, not just because you desire them.  Saints have had some of the most amazing abilities of prophecy, sight, and the working of miracles, to name some examples.  Some say LHP is good for confronting forces that help you refine yourself - I say these forces just delude you and hold you hostage... refinement will often come on the RHP in the form of the dark night of the soul, for example, to do that job for you.  You don't need real demons for that kind of work... you will be confronted by your inner, metaphorical demons.  I should also add - if you are in trouble spiritually in some way, there is no better path for you than the RHP.  But, if done badly, RHP is one of the stupidest paths.

In the end, it is my opinion that the best path, for most people, is the Middle Path.  It's the perfect balance between the two extremes, and probably the best for refinement and releasing oneself from karmic patterns that are difficult.  It doesn't have to be Buddhist, but that's one of the most famous examples of it.  Siddhis, or powers, may come your way on the Middle Path too, but it's wise not to seek just to acquire them - if they come your way, they are a stage in your journey, but consider them a door prize towards the final goal.  Powers, for their own sake, are never the wisest approach to spirituality if you truly desire enlightenment, so to me the LHP makes the least amount of sense for refinement.  Sadhus in India spend years and years and years and years of gruelling practice, working with Shiva, in the hopes of acquiring powers from Him, but only if He is willing to offer them.  Easterners often look down on western occult methods and practice, seeing them as unsophisticated and foolhardy.  (I think what most LHP people really want can be found along the Middle Path, but it takes a lot of work to get there, and the LHP might be a quicker way to give you interesting phenomena, depending on what you're working with.  But that phenomena is not real power... it's illusion.)

I am sure many black magicians would disagree with how I interpret things, but spirituality is not science - these opinions come from experiences of my own, from my studies and how I relate to what has worked and what failed.  I don't trust it's possible to have a healthy relationship with certain dark powers, especially if you are a kind, sensitive soul.  These things prey on innocence, seeking to corrupt it, and they may delude you into believing that they care, while feeding you interesting lies to keep you trapped in mental phenomena.  The Buddha cautioned about buying into mental phenomena too much, and LHP is rife with that kind of thing.  I still doubt my psychic abilities a lot, even though people tell me I'm quite accurate, so I am not eager to demand payment for a reading just yet.

Summing up: RHP is best if you are called by the Spirit to serve creation or you need God's help, MP is best if you seek enlightenment.  LHP is playtime.  That's just how I feel, having survived demonic possession.


UPDATE: One more note, this on the concept of the sacred -

 I have come to associate sacredness, in its truest sense, with anything that is relevant to the needs of the Spirit.  "Sacred" is a term that gets thrown around in esoteric and new age circles a lot, like "quantum" or "mystic", so even LHP people sometimes like to consider their practice as something of the sacred, except in this case they claim it's sacred to the diabolical.  But because the definition of evil is "what shouldn't be", that means that nothing of the devil can truly be sacred.  RHP is definitely sacred (when serving the needs of the Spirit - otherwise, it's often conservative religious nonsense), and I'd say MP is also sacred, when it is in the best interest of the development of the soul.  LHP is not sacred, because it just deludes you. 

(I think LHP groups often call ritualistic things "sacred" when they really are just sexy, and they want to attach special meaning to them.  Just because something is sexy, it doesn't make it sacred.)

Thursday, 30 April 2020

My 38th birthday...

Yesterday was my 38th birthday - it's shocking to see the decade of my 30s come so close to its end... I feel like I accomplished a lot as a soul, but apart from completing my comic series, very little in the material world.  It was a rather dry time in many ways, a lot of solitude, but after the hell that was my 20s, it's probably what I needed.  My 30th year wasn't very good by the fall, but after that things improved.  I hope my 40s are much more interesting.

The day started out yesterday with a spiritual visitation from the soul of my late father, who wasn't even aware it was my birthday - I am not sure how spirits experience time in their plane, but it was good timing, and he stayed for a couple of hours with me.  Same old Dad, complaining about the Ladytron album I was playing, but he at least enjoyed the latest Pet Shop Boys when I put that on.  My mediumistic abilities don't allow me to visually see the spirit of a person, but I can pick up on personality traits, a sense of presence, plus emotional reactions.  When my teacher friend has come by to visit, I pick up on his loveable gruffness immediately.  He remarks that I am both stranger and more interesting than he knew me to be in life, that he gets a real charge out of it.

I also received a delightful piece of fan mail about "Asylum Squad", along with a great number of birthday wishes.  I had gone to the grocery store for a small cheesecake for my online Zoom party, but the bakery was shut due to COVID-19, so I settled for a frozen cake, which didn't thaw out until today... so I will enjoy cheesecake today instead.  The Zoom party lasted almost 4 hours, and we had a good time playing online party games.  Probably one of the strangest parties I have had for my birthday, due to the circumstances, but it was still enjoyable, in the end... my bandwidth didn't crap out.

I still feel weary after my psychospiritual struggles, and am hoping it's not a sign of age - but I don't know many 38 year olds who feel like 70 year olds quite like I do.  I regularly get blood tests, and none show any physical problems, so it must be pranic and emotional pain.  I am hoping that with prayer, healing techniques and time, I will see a second wind come my way, and feel at least a little bit younger again.  I don't even have enough energy to commit to serious exercise - I do long walks and some exercise bike, but it's still a struggle.  Diet is pretty good, at least.  Being possessed takes its toll, it's a rare problem, I imagine it's all about waiting for the soul to rejuvenate again.

I have gone from being slightly stressed on and off about COVID-19 quarantine and downtime to taking delight in it.  Framing staying in as much as possible as something positive for the community, instead of perceiving it as a drag, means I don't feel strange about "wasted time".  I got some news I could be back at work as early as the summer, and my finances are balanced.  Every Sunday we have an online rosary prayer group where we dedicate our intentions to all those affected by the virus - it is sad to consider how many people have suffered from this, but important to remain confident and free of fear, at the same time.


Wednesday, 29 April 2020

Suffering: Good for the psyche! (More on this idea...)

Suffering is something I have previously discussed as a means of personal refinement, but perhaps I should expand a little more on these ideas:

I have to admit, I still haven't completed my copy of St. John of the Cross' "Dark Night of the Soul" - a great read, but I just have a bad habit of always having a pile of half completed books at my side, because another book will always come along that will grab my interest, and then the last book is forgotten about for a while.  But the concept of the "Dark Night" is something I also read about thoroughly in Evelyn Underhill's "Mysticism: A Study in the Nature and Development of Spiritual Consciousness", a book I went on to complete.  Suffering seems universal to psychological/spiritual transformation, and we shouldn't be afraid of it when it inevitably comes into our lives.  The trick is - how are we to cope with it, and how do we channel it for betterment?  Suffering is a strange teacher that can be fundamental to refinement, something that many groups understand, including Catholic mystics, Buddhists, indigenous societies... yet modern western society has a desire to avoid it entirely.  What I'm going to touch in this article relates more to what I have learned of what it can do for one's psychology.

I have stated that the modern westerner suffers greatly in some ways because in the pursuit of comfort and luxury, to avoid inevitable suffering, they forget how to suffer well, and so in the end, they suffer even moreso when it eventually enters into their lives.  I have wondered about the idea that mental illness is more prevalent in the west - this is something that is statistically very true, I don't have the stats on hand, but have read time and time again that societies with structure based heavily on tradition, culture, and community often have stronger, psychologically healthier members overall, at least per capita, than in the west.  So, if certain parts of the west are as sophisticated as they are, with their brain sciences, luxuries, and social advantages, why is this the case?  One thing I have concluded is that western minds, due to the way we are expected to live, are not allowed to break down to be built up again properly, refining one's personality, so the mind doesn't find the resilience it needs to adapt to the stresses of life.  Some find it, but it may mean a certain kind of lifestyle that the west doesn't support yet for the masses.  When a mind begins to turn, as I suspect it probably needs to in some ways for personal refinement, it is often not allowed to follow through and move beyond this stage, because it becomes slotted as a diseased mind, and we treat it like a disorder, rather than an opportunity for growth.  This has been the model of sanity we have worked with - preserving what has been, rather than allowing a break from reality, only to work through it, and return to the world with a stronger personality, and a better sense of our real selves.  If only our society was structured to serve humanity more than it serves corporations - we might rethink the way we perceive "mental illness", and more people would find methods of eventually finding a way to move beyond meds and unhelpful psychological patterns.  The west keeps us imprisoned in our psychiatric pain because it frames it incorrectly, for the sake of getting us back to being productive citizens again, as quickly as possible.  It's fast food medicine.

Although I cannot name any specific indigenous communities off the top of my head, there are many who use certain rites of passage in their younger members, including scarification, walkabouts in the wilderness, vision quests, and fasting, to achieve altered states that work with them as teachers of the soul.  I had a kind of crisis of sorts - a westerner going through this in her mid 20s, complicated by an entity, but in the end, once I got the upper hand, the experiences refined me in many ways, and I continue to refine.  Catholics have historically used flagellation (although even St. John of the Cross called out flagellants as masochists, something that made me laugh a little bit), the Buddha tried starving himself.  It seems, however, that often this kind of self inflicted suffering is not even necessary - suffering will come your way, in whatever form, if you are a dedicated seeker, to be your teacher.

So that's great, Sister Penance, you may think - how do I deal with this, especially if I live in the west?  Well, one thing that I'm sure you'd expect me to say (and you are correct in doing so) is firsthand, you need a dedicated spiritual practice, one that suits your ways of navigating the world.  Being a cerebral person, contemplation was something I found suited me as a method, so a Christian path was a good bet for me, based on this and prayer.  Someone else would be better suited to a more physical path, with a form of yoga that suits them best.  It can depend on a person's cultural upbringing, but also, it can depend on the needs of the soul.  Whatever your practice, it should serve you to help process the pain, and find ways to adapt to it.

Also - you might have to adjust your lifestyle, like it or not, to embark on this, if the doors open to you.  A simpler way of living, strict dedication, changes in attitude, conduct, and lifestyle choices, may be absolutely necessary.  A 9:00-5:00 routine may just not be feasible anymore.  This may seem like a drag if your goals in life were material, but once you are well along the way, your riches in spirit and psychological renewal will far outweigh the alternative, and you will leave this plane with a finer version of yourself - something that is eternal.  Money, no matter who you are, is a loan... your body is also a loan.  Spiritual riches are yours for the taking, and they last forever, so keep that in mind when in doubt, when concerned about the direction your life is taking, if you have to be The Hermit for a while.

And, if things get too out of hand, remember that there is no shame in using some form of conventional method to weather the storm, like a medication or therapy.  But it's important to keep in mind that most psychiatrists are trained to perpetuate outdated myths of the mind, and about what to expect from a psychological problem, as far as overcoming it.  So take what they say with a grain of salt, unless you find someone special to work with.  Kind of like how I take what Catholic priests say with a grain of salt when I go to mass to enjoy the presence of the Spirit!


Monday, 27 April 2020

Working spiritually with Freudian psychology...

I haven't studied Freud very much, I am not that excited about many of his ideas, but I decided to consider his model of the psyche a bit more in my prayers today, for psychospiritual evolution.  Using my tarot and channeling method, I decided to break down what Spirit had to say about various components of the Freudian model.  (Although I realize how all these components are normally not to be broken down into fragments, as I seem to be doing with levels of consciousness, I find for the sake of prayer work it's good to treat them as such, for experimentation, to see what results come of experimenting with them in this way, rather like how a yogi might do the same with the Indian chakra system.  When I break it down in this mechanical way and use prayer to modify things, I can then re-examine the whole of the psyche as the results unfold.  It is a tool, not an understanding.)

Considering the Id, Ego and Superego - interesting descriptions of these three components of my mind come through channel.  First, through strict spiritual commitment, I have refined the Ego a great deal, and it is a much finer, wiser version of what it once was - the card I drew was The Hermit, in this case.  The Superego, once stern with me, is now more like a fun nanny - in some ways, she is a built-in Mary Poppins who is encouraging me along the way, as opposed to the Miss Trunchbull I once had that was not impressed.  I pulled the Queen of Swords, but got that it's a gentle version of her that is protective.  I suspect the demon, at one point, made my Superego even harder on me than usual, but prayers to Metatron have eased things in that regard.  (If you're wondering where my austerity comes from, I'd say that's a role I am experimenting with - it's more persona than anything else, it's not from the Superego.)

The Id is my current problem.  What's interesting is that I got through channel that it was time to shed it entirely, because the Id, as it stands, is rather like this flustered cockatoo:

This bird's name should be Popeye, because it curses like a sailor.

The demon drove my Id fucking crazy, as did unresolved injustice from many negative events in my life, and I'm getting that there's no need to hold onto it anymore.  The Id's current state means a strain on the Ego, making the Ego weary and exhausted.  Having not studied Freud much, as I have said, I am not even sure if the Id can be shed completely, but it's an experiment, so I prayed to Metatron to shed it.  I can't find much information on doing this, when I look it up.  I'll have to ask my analyst about this, as a concept.  Makes me wonder if, when Id goes really off, it's time that it be removed, that it's a sign it needs to go.

I did a bit of reading on the Id, and realized that what most LaVeyan satanists are actually doing is revelling in Id moreso than exploring Ego, which seems counterintuitive to me in the pursuit of refinement.  Yawn.

I'm coming to understand that studying psychology might be even more useful, in some ways, as consideration for prayer, than a lot of other things I have been trying.  Updates to come, if this getting rid of the Id thing proves to be successful.


Saturday, 25 April 2020

Advice for finer esoteric practice (regardless of what it is)...

Thought I would create an article about some of the fundamentals I have found that have helped me with my own practice, that I perceive as universally useful, no matter what sources one is working with, or what methods.  Here is my list of advice:

- Tobacco, tobacco, tobacco.  Use tobacco for prayer and invocation.  Throw a pinch of some on a lit charcoal if you can't do tobacco ties on a hibachi in the backyard.  Utter your prayers as you do so.  Tobacco is excellent for prayer and development, and is especially good for invocation to a source that would work with you that might otherwise be a challenge to invoke.  Take note of any feelings you have in your soul when working with it.  (I also use prayer pipe sometimes but I do not advise this be done all the time due to the risk of abuse.  This works well for certain prayers that directly involve the soul - don't inhale!)  If you are in Toronto, "House of Energy" in Kensington Market sells ceremonial tobacco bags for a good price.

- Pray to have greater success with your prayers and invocations.  Pray to be better at contemplation, meditation, or other practices.  Pray to be able to give blessings, and that they be more effective.  Pray to ground your mind in the Manipura region.  Pray for mindfulness to be your base psychological state, pray that the ego serve the self, pray for higher intelligence and wisdom.  Pray for whatever you feel your mind needs for what you want to evolve in yourself psychologically.  Consider the structure of the psyche and work with prayer to evolve that.  Pray to do better with shadow work.  Consider building yourself up with as much prayer as possible... consider everything and pray for anything.  Experiment and see what sources you have invoked work best for what kinds of prayer.  (I find that St. Jude is good for getting help from higher sources, Metatron is great for psychology, and the Virgin Mary is great for emotional wellness, to name some examples.)

- Consider angels and experiment with which would suit your needs best.  (Though I have worked with others, my go to is Metatron.)  When you are grounded spiritually, angels are safe and willing to help if they are right for you.  Once you feel a specific angel is working with you, consider this one of the finest sources you can work with for personal development.  Pay attention to what you feel when attempting to work with one.  Again, tobacco is a good method to use for invocation of angels.  You may also be able to invoke angels through another source you have already invoked and are working with, such as a saint.

- Experiment with methods, and see where that takes you.  Though I work with a folk style Christian path, I also take on Native American plant medicine, have opened to Akasha, and experiment with Indian spirituality and ideas as well.  Bending the rules here and there from a particular path can sometimes lead to marvelous results.

- Make sure your mind is sound before you try to involve yourself with psychic opening.  The mind may have to go to an odd place before it can achieve higher states.  Know that if it does, you are not crazy, you are changing.  If it gets really odd, don't be afraid to take a medication if it's necessary, but be hopeful that it's possible to move on.  (I find Latuda has been the best antipsychotic for me as far as having little to no side effects - others caused severe exhaustion and weight gain, like Seroquel and any from that generation.)

- To know the difference between a sign and a coincidental experience, know that a sign moves you in some way that coincidence does not.  Perhaps this is a feeling that comes over you of importance.  Do not overanalyze, but consider it a nod from the Spirit.  Common signs include 11:11 on a clock, and animal behaviour in nature, if it catches your attention.

- Consistency in practice is important, just like exercise, or taking up a musical instrument.  Try to commit to at least a little bit each day, and see where it takes you.  If you get really involved, you may suddenly find old interests boring.

- Be patient with psychic sight, and understand you have to conquer psychological pain to achieve it.  Consider Jungian analysis an excellent method for confronting shadow work.  Know that it can take many years of commitment, but with the right therapist it's well worth it.

- Plant medicines like smudge work well if there is a need for them to do so, otherwise they won't do much of anything.  They won't backfire on you, unless they are something you ingest that could cause damage or a psychological response that complicates things.  Do not rely on entheogens to evolve yourself... they are dangerous if misused.  Try to rely on a more sober practice for evolution, and only do entheogens with the right help and level of respect.

- Do not concern yourself too much with obtaining a massive array of ritualistic items - the power comes from working with the Spirit, mostly.  Some items can have talismanic properties when Spirit is directly involved in working with them, but that is only when there is a specific need for something to work as a talisman.  Otherwise, it's just an object.  But, if the objects help to get you into a certain psychological headspace, more power to you.  I do this a bit myself, it's fun.  :)

That's all I can think for now... this may be yet another article I add to later, if other pieces of advice I could give come to mind.


UPDATE: Another piece of advice - for true power in your practice, you require a balance of the sacred masculine and the sacred feminine, and they must dwell in you actively and work through you for powerful results.  In my case, this is mostly with Jesus and Mary.  Though I reach out to various components of both the sacred masculine and the sacred feminine (including gods and goddesses of other religions), it is Jesus who dwells in me because of the path I am on... I am working to balance with Mary now.  Any path that polarizes too much to one side is going to be limited, and any path that doesn't allow these powers to work through you as indwelling spiritual components will have its limitations as well.  Christianity, for example, is limited if it does not include Mary.  (It is my belief that the corruption in Divinity, what Christians call Satan, is what made humanity polarize towards the sacred masculine, ignoring the Goddess, becoming patriarchal.  Satan made masculinity insane and abusive.)

Why I don't feel like putting myself out there anymore...

For the past couple of years, I have felt a desire to cease promotion of myself as an artist.  This really got strong after my Dad died, and has remained intact since then, perhaps even stronger now at this point.  I completed "Asylum Squad", which was not so much bittersweet as it was a relief, as I was getting sick of working on it anyway.  I got the final book into the printers recently, but then COVID-19 took hold of us all, and I have no idea when the book will be printed.  This is a bit of a drag, but in a way I just don't care.  I am a has-been as artists go, as far as I can tell - no one is talking about me anymore, no one approaches me about projects.  My art career, if it ever was, is dead, and I am not sure if it can or will be revived.  Feeling the need to still create something, I blog on here and occasionally do some silly painting, but I feel gross about promoting myself.  I find it tacky and counterintuitive to enlightenment.  I should be distancing myself from grandiose self promotion, not engaging that kind of thing if I truly desire to leave this world behind, never to return.  That is the idea I have right now, anyway.  I don't want to ever come back to this place.

So, part of me feels self promotion could harm my chances at higher levels of psychospiritual evolution, but I am also fearful of ridicule, taking on the Sister Penance persona, and disputing common psychological ideas, claiming I fought a demon.  Enough morons out there would probably love to hurt me somehow - I know of enough women creatives online who have been harassed by malicious people who didn't like what they had to say.  I will continue to create these articles and express how I feel, but I won't promote them.  My traffic on here is low, and maybe it's for the best that it remain that way, for my personal safety and humility.  The internet can be a terrifying place for women.

I am not sure if abuse has led me to conclude these ideas, or if they genuinely make sense.  I am still rather frail in some ways, from legal, psychiatric, sexual, spiritual, and psychological humiliations and abuse, and am trying to feel my way back to optimum health.  I suspect society (even though this doesn't make sense) has zero respect for me, and that this can't be remedied, unless by some miracle I became loaded financially.  I am too exhausted to make another major project, and I don't expect the world to even care.  I try my best to remind myself that my immediate relations are all healthy, and not to see society as some strange oppressive entity that judges me because of the past.  But the past still haunts me, I still feel the shame of the court room, of the psychiatric unit, and I don't know how to fully move on.  I assume that I am undesirable in many respects, and I can never know emotional relief from all traumas.  Still, I press on and try the best I can to transcend feeling anything for any of what happened.  I am hoping my form of asceticism means that I can transcend the ingrained western desire for material achievement, and find peace in having nothing.  If I achieve this, I will desire nothing, I will find riches wealth could not provide for me, I will be fine regardless of outcome.  And hopefully, I will never return here again.  The world is strict with me, so I will be stricter.

My problems are not psychosis - they are weariness from abuse, and a broken heart.  I am not sure how to heal from all, but I am not giving up.  My 20s were horror, my 30s were dull - as I approach 40, I don't know what to expect, but I hope to know some degree of liberation from this sadness I have had to learn to live with.


UPDATE:  I suppose some of this austerity I inflict upon myself is a result of institutionalization, and its effect on my self worth.  After this, a year in CAMH, and many other hospitalizations both before and after that time, I feel valueless in society, my dreams have died, I don't expect to succeed in the art world, and I don't have any completed college or university training, nor do I feel like I could bring myself to pursue any - and if I did, it wouldn't mean much anyway, no one is getting hired, and I'm a 37 year old without as little as a BA.  Becoming a nun was one option, but even the Spirit told me it's not meant to be - I love God, but not as a spouse... rather, as a parental figure.  So I sit with my tarot cards and attempt to refine myself, not sure of what else to do.  Spirit says my future is bright, but I am just not so sure.  One thing is for certain - I wasn't meant to be who I thought I was.  (If you think I'm too stern with myself, remember that even Buddha had a starvation period to try and achieve enlightenment, so understand that seekers try many things to get it right.)

Thursday, 23 April 2020

Quarantine: A perfect opportunity to become a seeker...

The upside of a pandemic: an excuse to dress like THIS!
A lot of people are talking about this right now, and it's true - though quarantine can be a bitch, in another way, it's a beautiful opportunity for the busy westerner to settle themselves and learn to look inward, to see who they really are, confront their shadows, and find joy in simplicity.  I have been doing this myself for almost 14 years, so this lockdown stuff is not a big deal to me.  The only thing I really miss is shared human company, like having friends over for wine, cheese, and board games.  Online Zoom meetings are ok, but it's just not the same as real life.  But, the friends are still there to chat - there was a time in my life that was much lonelier, when people either backed away or cut me off entirely because of the sufferings in my life, and how they affected my relations to others.  In a way, this is like an extended staycation to me - I got my CERB and things seem to be balanced for me financially.  I just have to lay low, not spend too much, and concentrate further on my soul, as always.  (I joke that, being a Taurus, I am built for quarantine, because I like lying around, eating comfort food, and having the same predictable daily routine - Tauruses like repetition.)

I think I saw both David Lynch and Eckhart Tolle mention how marvelous this time is for going inward and getting in touch with one's own nature - many people have remarked on this.  It seems like this is not just about a virus, but a mass awakening the planet is experiencing.  Haven't been able to take up a contemplative method or meditation routine?  Now's your chance - some may never get the opportunity to jump start this again, depending on what their future holds.  Humans who have overly busy minds should seize this opportunity as a means of learning how to seek the self, and discover the joys of a simpler way of being.  The capitalist west has been a difficult place to dedicate oneself to living as a sincere seeker, so here's a chance to see what that's like.  Nature is showing us the way - let's listen to Her.

I've had a few annoying days where the loneliness was kicking in, but all in all, I have grown used to the new routine.  As long as my CERB keeps getting topped up and I maintain a steady equilibrium, I'm going to be ok.  My concern is for small businesses and people who are not in as fortunate a balance as I am.  Though I am not exactly financially well off, I am at the right level of "poverty" where supports flow, I have no debt, and I can find avenues to navigate times like this - someone who relies on a family business could be in trouble.  I do hope the government learns from all of this, both on federal and provincial levels - it would be nice to come out of this with the strong possibility of universal basic income.  If push comes to shove, it may be the only option to maintain a homeostasis in society in some ways.  Sometimes it takes a need, like a crisis, to forge something ahead.


UPDATE: This article came up on my Facebook feed, which relates to what I discuss in this blog post:  We're All Monks Now

Monday, 20 April 2020

Prayers to Metatron for the preconscious...

Working with Metatron, I have been able to heal a lot in my psyche that went off due to spirit possession.  I considered, from memory, what I recalled from Jung and Freud about the structure of the mind, and worked with this angel to heal the facets that were very ill.  But things have still been a bit whack-a-doodle, where the active imagination imagery, when it happens, comes out chaotic, I feel a strange anxiety that comes out of nowhere at night, there's nervous tension, among other things.  Meds have done nothing to remove this, they just tone it down, and though it's 90% better than it was at one point (at least), there's still a kind of residue.  Reading with channel and tarot, the Spirit told me there's another part of the psyche to consider for healing, but couldn't name the component, due to the limitations of my current level of psychic sight.  So, I loaded up graphics of the structure of the psyche on Google images, and considered a component I had forgotten about - the preconscious.  Now, with prayers to Metatron again, I am hoping to see a new change.

The active imagination was something I wasn't sure was to be something I held onto, or if it's meant to be bypassed with psychospiritual development.  When it functioned well, it was lush and beautiful, like having an entertainment console in my psyche.  But the demon warped it and then it was a static mess and it never seemed to bounce back entirely, even with his destruction.  So something must have still been off with the structure of the psyche.  I guess I should once again concentrate on psychology to improve on this.  The unconscious and the conscious both seem quite healthy right now, I relate well to the world around me again, but perhaps the threshold between the two was strange.  I'll need to do more studies on the preconscious to figure things out.

I actually wouldn't mind having active imagination back in full swing again, despite how distracting it was at times.  Perhaps there's a way to train the mind to turn it on and off for enjoyment, so that I can navigate the world, when I need to, without it, and enjoy it fully when I have downtime.  Some of the wildest, funniest visions have come of playing around with it - mostly cartoons, and I would laugh so hard I would cry my eyes out.  It's a shame I don't know animation, because I would make some of the most unbelievable cartoons based on what I perceived.  One of my favourite things to do was to throw on some music with my headphones on and concentrate on the active imagination, generating lush music videos that danced with the sounds.  One example of this was listening to the Gremlins theme song and visualizing a line of house cats dancing to it (I imagine it's the kind of music a cat would create if it learned how to work with synthesizers).  This has got to be fixed, if it is meant to be a function of my psyche, so I can enjoy this kind of thing again.

I do hope to get completely off antipsychotics one day - consciousness on them is a soundtrack in mono played through dollar store headphones.

"Gremlins Theme Song"


UPDATE: A new message through channel suggested that Spirit afflicted me with a kind of "protective madness" to help confuse my mind so much the demon couldn't seize total control of me - it became an oppressive influence, but taking an antipsychotic allowed for control of my senses.  I am not aware of everything yet, clearly, but I guess that makes sense.  The channel went on to say that now that the field is gone, the strange state I have been in shall lift.  Time will tell, and I will keep praying and blogging my observations.