Friday, 23 October 2020

Holy masochists, sacred queers, and other things...

(This article is sure to tick off members of the Roman Catholic Church, but I figured I would write it anyway, due to things I have been channeling about various saints and holy figures.)

St. Lawrence is considered one of the toughest martyrs in the church, because - while being roasted alive, he smirked and uttered: "Turn me over - I'm done on this side".  The church would likely argue that the Holy Spirit filled him with the power to withstand excruciating pain... but was there something else going on?

I have channeled many times over that the historical Jesus was a masochist who was able to withstand the crucifixion because He enjoyed at least some degree of pain and humiliation.  I had also channeled that, in general, proclivities can arise out of sufferings from previous lifetimes playing out as kinks in the current life, to help the soul to therapeutically resolve past life traumas, but some kinks can also be in a person to help guide the soul through troubles ahead that are innate in the fate of the individual.  If a soul is destined to be a martyr, they might have something in them that allows them to process the pain a bit more easily... in short, God comforts the soul with something the church likely wouldn't want people to embrace in themselves: an erotic desire that would fit right in with the modern day fetish scene.

I am certain that the Holy Spirit has a hand in making everything that much easier - not many are masochistic enough to handle being roasted alive.  But I wonder, based on what St. Lawrence uttered, if there was already a quality of masochism in him, one that the Holy Spirit worked with to make the horror of the end of his life all the more tolerable.  This is a debatable topic and fundamentalists would want to take me to task over this, but I believe in a loving God who not only loves the kinkster, but might even create kinks in the person to soften the blows of their soul's personal journey.

Now, onto queerness: I consulted this with my very close friend, who is trans, to make sure there was nothing problematic about a (mostly) cisgendered woman such as myself discussing it.  It is common knowledge that many shamans have been trans, or have in some way been unusual sexually, or present an otherness that sets them apart.  I chalk it up to them being ancient souls who have lived many lives as many people, been both sexes, which likely has influenced gender down the line.  They are not confused, they are in fact more aware in some ways, having been many people, these people's qualities influencing many components of their current life, and this can include gender identity and sexuality.  Shamans kind of have to be ancient to be shamans, so it makes sense that if many shamans are trans, it's arguable that being trans could also be a sign of an old soul.

I have also channeled that St. Joan of Arc was trans, not a cross dresser, as many have concluded due to Joan wearing male clothes, which this saint insisted on and considered holy.  Many saints have had their queerness erased by the church, in favor of a watered down image that suggests a kind of sexual purity that the Catholics consider ideal.  St. Bacchus and St. Sergius were lovers, St. Aelred of Rievaulx, the patron saint of friendship, was believed to be gay.  Even King David from the Bible is argued to be at least bisexual.  I am not sure how much the church consciously covers up when considering a person for canonization, but I am sure there are a lot of insights about the saint in question that are left out in their life story, once presented to the public.  If Jesus Himself can be whitewashed to the degree He is in art, why not this?

I am mostly recovered from the assault now, BTW - the bruising didn't get that bad, and I only needed to pop pain killers twice.  I have had a few moments of being emotionally sensitive from the fear of what could have been, had this been uglier, had the group had weapons, but I need to let that go.  That's just the mind teaching me to be more careful next time.  Now I know not to be sassy if a group gangs up on me again.  (My Dad was guilty of this kind of thing in life as well, but he never got beaten for it.)  The man I was in another life was a fighter pilot in a world war, he wants to put idiots in their place, but he is housed this time around in an out of shape female body that doesn't know how to fight.  Better to be meek and alive than bold and in a casket.  I will leave immediately if anything like this ever happens again.  (Mars retrograde is in Aries right now, so maybe that negatively influenced things for me.)


UPDATE: I probably won't pursue a case with the assault, even though people have been saying I should.  I guess they don't get what life is like in the projects.  The restaurant was nearby, and I don't get if this group lives in the hood, is affiliated with a gang (even though they were likely in their early 20s, not very bright, and the girl who kicked me was more violent than she was skilled at fighting).  I do NOT need to be a gang target if I put one of them in prison and they find out where I live.  I cannot trust the police to protect me because of my lower class status, and I want to avoid being involved with them.  Also, with racial tension as it is, I don't want to be the white girl who sends the black girl to prison, even if she did do what she did.  I am trying to live a quiet life without much of anything to complicate things, not even pursuing ambitious things, and a court battle would disrupt my situation, making me feel vulnerable.  I say, walk away.  If she was this violent over absolutely nothing, she will likely be in prison for something else someday anyway.  Ego would want to press charges, Self says leave it alone.

Wednesday, 21 October 2020

Fuck it - I cursed the bitch who beat me up...

While I was shaking in the ER, all battered and bruised, I got a message through channel, where I could feel Sekhmet come through as a ghostly presence, saying "Go after her - I give you permission to curse the girl who kicked you in the head".  So I did.

Seeing as I couldn't impressively retaliate with self defence at the time, and since I don't trust police services to do their job, I pulled a Haitian style move instead.  I made a poppet out of a piece of black felt and sewed a tag to it, requesting that Sekhmet destroy this cunt.  Then I anointed it with tobacco prayers to become a link to the woman in question, smearing it in dragon's blood resin powder.  I stabbed it with pins, heated in a blessed flame offered to Sekhmet, commanding atrocity into her life.  When I was done with that, I took it to the stove and set it on fire.  Sekhmet came through again, and said "This is underway now", and I should be getting updates as to how the cunt's life deteriorates.

I would only do something like this if a God/Goddess asked me to, or if they give permission if I desire it.  In this case, being kicked to shit in the head, already ravaged by other problems, was so angering for the lioness goddess, that She couldn't care less about this loser girl's life, and She gave me the green light.  I don't like the idea of hexing with demons - it can go wrong, I see it as low brow, but with Divinity - I say bring it, if the punishment fits the crime.  I may be a lamb because of Christ, but I am also a cobra because of Sekhmet.

I will never know if this worked but I have to say I felt some satisfaction when that doll went up in flames.  I am tired of life shitting on me and if I can fuck a bad bitch up with magick for assaulting me, when I am already trying to recover from other things, so be it.  

Burn in hell, maggot.


Tuesday, 20 October 2020

Assaulted: 2020 finally laid into me...

Oh god, what a fucking night.

I just got home from the hospital, where I was looking to get a CATscan after some honkey haters surrounded me at a local restaurant, and one shoved me to the ground and began kicking me in the head.  I took off before she could do any serious visible damage, but my head now feels swollen and it's probably going to bruise badly.  I have too much pride - I should have backed away but I felt like sassing back at this psychopath because of the shit I have been through over the years, and she attacked me.  Foolish.  Do not try to reason with a violent idiot.  They were calling me names like "white shit" - I never thought white bashing would happen to me, I tend to be gentle in my demeanour, but there you go.  (Perhaps my gentle demeanour is something she wanted to hurt.)  I was quivering but it wasn't fear - it was adrenaline, which pumps so bad in me when I'm angry it makes me look nervous.  That cunt was a shit Jungian because that wasn't fear in my eyes, that was a mind appalled at little girls behaving badly, trying to restrain itself.

It really worries me because I already have neurological sensitivity and am vulnerable a lot when I am alone, so the shock made me panic, and I was terrified once she began kicking me.  I ran to some cops and reported it - they called an ambulance.  I started seeing geometric shapes in my field of vision.  This blew $45 on that ambulance which led to me just getting some Tylenols and Advils at the hospital.  The doctor said I didn't need the CATscan.  If I have a concussion, I hope it doesn't add to what's already wrong with me.  

Fuck Toronto.  I support BLM but this is bullshit.  I am not some bougie white girl who talks shit about POC - I live in the projects.  (I prayed the rosary in the ER and that seemed to calm me down, I didn't even need an Ativan.)

I'm going to be sore tomorrow.


Monday, 19 October 2020

On my own: Recovering from spiritual assault (without any real assistance)...

I am feeling very weary again.  I think my nervous system is still quite shot - I cry a lot, and want to retreat to my room and talk to the Spirit to coax me out of pain.  The battle I had with the demon was so brutal that it must have affected me in some profound way that medicine just doesn't understand, and I feel I will never get adequate help, and that I must continually just work to heal myself, not being able to rely on anyone.  Though this teaches me self reliance, it also makes me weary, and sometimes I lose hope.  I doubt I will ever kill myself, but I worry about cancer being the next big thing I will have to face, because both of my parents had it, the families are riddled with it, and this strain I feel could fuel a tumour.  I live in fear of dying like my father did.  Mostly I suffer from odd neurological quirks that conventional medicine seems to ignore, chronic tiredness, and tension headaches, and the desire to live as small a life as possible.  I would sign up for a PETscan if only psychiatry offered those for diagnosis and not just for research.  I would sign my life over to a state hospital for long term care if it guaranteed REAL care, and not abuse and humiliation, and if my pain was acknowledged for what it really is.  I would eventually want my life back of course, but I feel like a soldier returning from war and it's as though nobody gets it.  Some days I am in so much pain, but other than on this blog, you will never hear me talk about it.  I can't afford to look weak after what looking weak did to me in the past.  People turned their backs on me when I was weak before... I am sure they would easily do it again.  I must laugh it off and be strong about everything, even if it kills me.

I thank my analyst and my current psychiatrist for all the help they have provided, but I still feel like mostly, it's all up to me, and sometimes I feel like everything I do to try to heal is a shot in the dark.  There's no question that I have improved, the original problem seems to be gone (or at least leaving), but the after effects are crippling.  I can distract myself by being with friends or picking myself up by my bootstraps in other ways here and there, but alone again, I am weary when I think too much about it.  My body might just give out from all of this, I could die young... I'm not sure.  Self abuse is still something I engage in, but only in the mildest sense - you won't ever see me with razor blades, just a smack to the head or a desire to choke myself, which never lasts.  Again, it's an old pattern that isn't fully broken, and happens when I panic.  Divinity usually successfully restrains me with an invisible force to prevent me from harming myself at all.

The only thing I truly care about anymore is my relationship to Divinity and building on that, on feeling loved after being possessed by an entity of hate, on fostering the best that I can get out of what remains of my time here in this world.  I hope to go as far as I can in my spirituality that I won't ever have to return, because most of my life has been pretty hard.  As a child I endured constant bullying, my teens meant a difficult home life, and my 20s were impossible.  I can't imagine that if I don't get this sorted out by 50, the aging process will ever be kind to me.

I must have lived some mighty strange lives to deserve this, or else this is an intense test leading to something better.  Whatever the case, I hold onto hope when I channel that nicer times are ahead, and I might even have an extremely good life coming.  In the meantime, I try to live a bit like the "Little Way" of St. Therese of Lisieux, and approach this time with childlike humility and devotion.


Sunday, 11 October 2020

Latest comic update...

My dear friend recently compiled all comic files for the final graphic novel, and is onto the cover portion.  Then he will return the files to the printers (they were too swamped to tackle it immediately), and (hopefully) all copies will be in my possession before the end of the fall.  Since COVID-19 numbers are rising again, a book launch might not be possible, but I will provide information on here as to where to obtain your copy.  (I am considering on demand printing from the web for future reprints - perhaps an omnibus, the whole series in one big book, minus "The Psychosis Diaries", which I don't plan on printing again.)

Today I purchased the Sekhmet statue pictured here - a modest price, from The Occult Shop.  It was a real bitch finding a local shop, as of late, that carried Her - I had to get them to order it.  She used to be everywhere, but lately... nothing.  She looks good on my table altar, next to all of my other spiritual gear.  She still seems to be a prominent influence, one that is growing in my relationship to Her with time.

I am kicking myself that this comic wasn't put out immediately after the series was completed online.  I could have gotten a book launch out of it without COVID-19 spoiling the event scene, and it would have just looked better from a creator to do it sooner.  I wonder if this sabotaged my readership much?  Oh well - I am still on a kind of hiatus, and I just feel like I can't quite focus on that kind of thing right now.  My soul and my mind are my priorities.  When I do psychic readings about it, the answer is that a comeback is coming, but only when I am moved to do my next big project, whatever that is.  I think I need to get to a plateau of sorts with my situation to know what to discuss next, and until that time, it's just journal style updates with these blog posts, and the odd art piece here and there.

A weird Thanksgiving... no meal with the family due to rising numbers.  My uncle is in palliative care, so I expect a new spiritual guest to drop by once he's in Bardo.  I lit many candles to pray for him, sometimes in church, to support his journey in any way it could be supported.  A great guy with a funny laugh and lots of charm.  We will miss him.


Thursday, 8 October 2020

Prescription CBD, Jesus magick, et cetera...

I am now officially a CBD marijuana patient!  I received my first container of 5 g in the mail, and already I can tell this pot is better quality than the dispensary variety, by a notch.  I have noticed, with use, that it's made my psyche slightly more organized, my overall mood slightly better (making COVID-19 easier to tolerate, as an ongoing concern in the world), and that tension is less, and sleep is better.  I inherited a vape but I still find smoking it more effective - I feel like I am spiritually benefiting from it more when I burn it over boiling it.  Oddly enough, I still don't cough much using it, where marijuana once made me hack like my lung was about to fly out.  My lungs must be in good shape, despite it all!

So, on to discuss the Jesus magick, which I mentioned in a previous post - I had bought a Sacred Heart candle and did an invocation incant, with the rosary, Psalms, litanies, and the Sacred Heart chaplet.  (I seemed guided to do so, so that's what came of it.)  Midway during the invocation, I felt a grand presence open up - not like a vision or anything, but a great lightness, a presence of awe and power, of goodness.  (Almost like the cinematography of my life had changed.)  I got the sense I had elevated my situation to a level where I became closer to the Christ, and He was now a bigger influence than He was before... something that was very confusing throughout my time with the spiritual problem was how close He was to me.  The next day, I did another incant with the same candle, asking that Jesus destroy any remaining evils in me, and exorcise me, if necessary - again, reciting various litanies, throwing Frankincense and tobacco on the fire, until I could feel changes in the body.  Surrendering everything to Jesus, I am getting a new message that things are about to improve again, and I am to observe how this plays out.  I know this has been a good year for healing, but the pursuit of freedom has been ongoing, and phenomena has confused my channel.  It is not so much that I am mad, it is that I am not aware of my soul's ultimate truth right now.  I will observe as the months roll on and see where Christ takes me, at this new level.

An old connection I recently reached out to, a shaman living in Northern Ontario, did a journey for me.  I won't discuss the journey too much, only that it featured a lion prominently in its symbolism.  I gather this is indicative of Sekhmet, and I think back to the time in my mother's home in the country where I was alone, ravaged by evil, and briefly, as a soul, took on the form of a lioness, ready to pounce.  Sekhmet keeps coming back in symbolism, so I gather She really is an important deity in my life, even though Christ and Mary are also important to me.

Though most things are pretty good right now, I'm having a hard night.  I am still so humiliated by systematic sabotage... I'm just thinking about that right now.  The fact that my old high school had a hand in what came of me legally is such an embarrassment for an adult in her mid 20s (at the time)... that they would hurt me at graduation and later again resurface just to twist the knife and meddle with me in my adulthood, because they can, is why I want to see these fuckers shut down, once and for all.  (I heard that they are in trouble due to funding issues - beautiful.  I will petition the gods and pray with tobacco offerings for their demise.)  A former principal was in touch with my mother, to come down on me, when she wasn't even working for that school anymore.  I removed the post where I named the school, but they do deserve to be called out for sinister intentions against former students.  I probably shouldn't name them again here, god knows I have endured enough crap from them, next they would want to hurt me for criticizing their methods.  Or perhaps one day I'll change my mind, if I'm ever a big shot, and make a mockery of them in a broader sense, so that kids know to avoid them.  Why bother at this point?  Because it's fun, and would satisfy.  I would gladly purchase the needed supply of kerosene, and flick a lit match their way, if I could, to see them up in flames, and I am sure I am not the only one who feels this way.  Since I can't burn them down because that's arson, I have plans to go after them in court one day.  If I ever got super loaded, I would hire Jian Ghomeshi's lawyer to craft a handsome collectible set of Toby mugs with their heads.  (Or perhaps my case is so strong here, I wouldn't need her expertise.)  Anyway - not a good night for me, just thinking too much about the past, and how I have been shaped badly by being handled badly when I was at my most vulnerable.  Thanks, Toronto.  This is the bland, icy cold, socially acceptable kind of evil that Canadians do so well when they don't appreciate someone.

I guess aftermath is just getting to me tonight.  As much as things are well, and I am confident in the woman I became despite it all, sometimes I just long to not be this person anymore, because of how exhausting and humiliating things became, and sometimes still are.


Sunday, 4 October 2020

New costume idea...

Since it looks like Hallowe'en is going to be a complete bust due to rising COVID-19 numbers in my part of the world, I have decided to put the Pope Joan costume idea on hold, possibly to revisit another year, in favour of just wearing my cloth nun habit.  But a new idea has surfaced in my mind, also for another year, this time of something remarkably unholy, as a costume - Baby Baphomet!

I got the idea when I thought it would be funny to put a spin on something often associated with the LHP, but to emasculate the edgelord fraternity bro culture often associated with it that for some reason gets a pass with fourth wave feminism.  The plan is a cutesy pink and white aesthetic with a burlesque feel ... titties out, pasties on, with candy raver style pacifiers hanging from my nipples, and a pink caduceus sticking out of the diaper.  It's a pretty bold move to dress in something like that, but as long as I'm indoors, I will have the guts.  (I would have the guts on the streets too, if this wasn't in Canadian temperatures!)

This costume won't be done until things are semi normal again, and club parties are back in full swing, but I think I found a winner.  I even want to make a bib that says "Solve Coagula" on it, and have the third horn (or whatever it is) with the flame coming out of the top of the goat head, using LEDs.  Sure to be a favourite with satanists and goth girls, and they probably won't even realize why I'm wearing it.  I might win a prize simply for being the weirdest thing in the room.

Some interesting events with candle magick and Jesus have occurred, but I think I will watch and see how they play out a bit before reporting anything on them just yet.  I find that the Catholic litanies are excellent for working with folk Christian magick and invocation.

More on that later!


Sunday, 27 September 2020


This post won't be very insightful or long - it's just about another odd piece of phenomena that has happened on and off, and is now happening more and more these days, especially after aligning closely with Sekhmet.  

Sometimes when I light a candle and call in the gods, my body feels compelled by a force to start spinning around and around, sometimes for a good 5 minutes or more, like a whirling dervish.  I haven't studied Sufism, just some Rumi poems, but I know that whirling is associated, at least in part, with achieving higher consciousness.  Perhaps the Spirit is urging me, like with a kriya, to do this as a ritualistic exercise to expand things.  (I just did it again and though I can go at a good clip, when I force it to stop, the dizziness is crazy - I could never be a dervish!)  lol

Probably I look more like this than a proper whirling dervish when I do this routine:

Wonder Woman spin


Wednesday, 23 September 2020

Witches: A (hopefully) non-offensive post...

I decided that even though I might get egged for this, I was going to tackle an article about witchcraft, based on channeled messages I have received that suggested all true witchcraft involves evil forces, not nature worship/divinity.  I decided this after a thread appeared on a Catholic Witches Facebook page that talked about it.  This group is full of progressive minded people who do a kind of half-Wicca, half-Catholic thing (mostly), and identify with the witch as a spiritual archetype, so keep this in mind as I go into why I want to talk about the negative definition of the word.  These are not hardcore religious nuts or conservatives - they petition the saints and deities to execute magickal spells, rather like how many working with various forms of pagan practice do it.

Backing up the channeled message I keep getting that real witches do in fact work with evil forces, someone mentioned the root of the word "witchcraft" is based on the Latin word "maleficium", which implies to do harm with magick.  I don't know this for sure, but I also wonder if the word "wicked" is linked to the word "witch" - I am not a linguistics master, so I am only guessing here.  It was implied in this group that modern witches have reappropriated the term "witch" to suggest a person who practises magick that could be positive or neutral - not just sinister.  I added to the chat that I have no problem with anyone personally identifying as a witch if they want to - who am I to tell them who they are, but it's interesting to consider the root of the word.  Historically, witches have been associated with abducting children and doing difficult things, we see it in folklore tales like Hansel and Gretel.  This must come from somewhere, and I imagine there have been many occult horrors overtime associated with demon worship.  Once in a while, in the news, you hear about some weird cult doing this kind of thing, after all.

I see the modern witch as a feminist power symbol that exists to flip the bird at the evils of religious patriarchy - what is more rebellious than a person, especially a woman, who has magickal skills, seeking to empower herself with it for personal gain, but also personal development?  The Burning Times was a horrible response that the church, I guess, saw as their answer to a "problem" they felt existed, and it is understood that most people who died during that time were innocent, many were probably healers and folk magicians, which I think is exactly the kind of stuff that modern "witchcraft" tends to be about, such as in practices like Wicca.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with that kind of stuff, I do it myself in my own way.

I also want to add that I think magick, even magick from benevolent sources, can sometimes inflict things like curses, if it serves the greater good.  It becomes witchcraft, by its original definition, when it goes against the greater good.  I can understand why people want to call themselves witches, especially in this day and age - it's fun to get Christian knickers in a knot with that term, it's evocative of occult power, and is kind of sexy sounding.  While "magician", as a word, sounds almost like a boring trade one takes up in college, "witch" suggests someone who wears lots of black leather and has a fascinating aura about them.  "Witch" also sounds like "bitch", another reclaimed feminist word describing a difficult woman.  Makes sense it's popular with young people especially to identify with this archetype in a stupid age like this, where absolute losers rule the world.

Another thing - language can change overtime, so perhaps that's the most important thing to remember.  Words get reclaimed, definitions become broader or adjust.  I think it's marvelous that many want to explore nature based religion and spirituality in this time, considering how much the Earth needs people who care about Her, and thus want to worship Her.  I have zero problem with paganism, nature religions, and that kind of thing - what the witch movement on the web is doing with spirituality, I see, is a positive.  I just personally, in my own practice, identify as a magician (among other things), as boring as that word sounds by comparison, for my own reasons.  But call yourself what you will - like all identities, it's up to the individual.


Monday, 21 September 2020

Marian magick, demon reflections, and other observations...

Just because I'm concentrating on Sekhmet right now (to try and open to this influence more), doesn't mean I won't continue practising magick with other sources.  Last night, I was working on a candle spell with usage of the rosary, some Psalms, and that strange symbol I received supposedly associated with angel Halaliel, and the source I worked with was the Virgin Mary.  (It was basically to further my initiatory process, something I had been concentrating on with prayer, but wanted to do some magick with, using other techniques, to move things along a little more.)  The result was a powerful sense of the presence of Mary - like a glorious motherly force opening up, radiant and loving.  It was quite beautiful, and it seems Mary is a great goddess for magickal work.  (I had composed an article about Christian folk magick on here a while ago, but deleted it when I wasn't sure about how well it illustrated the subject matter.)  It is my opinion that Wiccan techniques combined with Catholic sources and ritual is very powerful, and that Christian sources can even help open to Pagan ones... perhaps I will try again with another article on this subject sometime, for I feel I have insights that are relevant.  I find it disappointing that Wiccans frown upon Jesus and Mary as they often do - I get why they frown upon the churches, but these gods are so marvelous for working with magicians that They shouldn't be ignored completely.  They can be doorways to other sources in Divinity, if you bend the rules, just as the saints are doorways to Them.)

It saddens me, as I reflect, on how this demon left a path of social destruction in my life that might never be fully restored.  It convinced me of things about other people, told me to tell these people things about themselves, forcing me to do it, under its command, under threats of killing me if I didn't comply.  Once I was in too deep, I didn't even know what I was doing anymore.  I was a social pariah, and some won't even speak to me now.  My reputation greatly restored at this point in most circles, there are some that just don't get it, and might never... not everyone believes in demons.  All I can do is be the best I can be now, and hope people pick up on that, if I run into those who might despise me at this point.  There is something truly lonely and desperate about the person under occult control... thankfully, I seem to be free, and just in the process of fully bouncing back now.  I just wish I hadn't suffered legal consequences.

I'm experimenting with the use of a wand now, one I had made but wasn't doing much with.  (At some point I will post a pic of it.)  I am pretty much self trained in these things, taking from what I knew from my Wicca experimentation days, and playing with other things, bending the rules to see what comes of that.  Practice has become pretty fascinating, and I can get very powerful reactions to spells when they are successful.  It's rather funny - a few people have made me their go to "witch" when they need something done.  Again, witch is not how I identify, but I'll take it.  lol

It seems that once certain principles are involved, magick can come in many forms, and there aren't too many rules.  Psalms are really strong, though - I like to refer to them in practice.  And I always use tobacco when anointing a candle or object.  I may require further study to know more of what's possible with what's out there, but right now, I seem to have a good thing going with what I am doing.


Friday, 18 September 2020

New ideas about my path based on channeled writings...

Concentrating on Sekhmet to see where working with Her takes me, I got some very clear spirit writings in my book of channeled messages about what's going on (or, at least that suggest what's going on).  The notes urge me to consider myself pagan and that Sekhmet is whom I should consider my patron deity, that I am not to be a Christian, but that Christian practice did help immensely, as Jesus and Mary are gods willing to help anyone in need.  Writings also urged me not to see Jesus as my god, but as my friend, and that He will still help me when I call to Him.  I have spent years trying to attune with various techniques, petitioning many gods and sources for aid in my healing, and I suppose several sources answered a prayer here or there.

I guess this is no real surprise since my practice has looked remarkably pagan based on some of my techniques and how my altar looks, but I was not working enough with the correct god (or in this case, goddess) for my needs.  I see no conflict in still doing some of what I did before with rosary and other practises of other religious traditions - after all, a combination of the Yoruba religion and Roman Catholicism birthed Santeria.  If there are any hard rules as to what's what in spirituality, I imagine there are very few.  I am probably best suited to research plant medicines more and their correct usage, while Sekhmet helps to heal me.  I already seem slightly more relaxed overall since recent practice to grow closer to Her.  I switched from regularly wearing the "Benny Crux" to an ankh to feel things, though I still wear a rosary and mala beads on my wrist to remind me of other influences.

Christian practice and eastern philosophy wasn't a mistake to take on as part of my personal ritual - I feel it helped shape me in character and power, my mind improved, my confidence strengthened, among other things.  In an initiatory way, it was good training for getting to the "fun stuff" like psychic ability and spirit communication.  But the writings are being very clear to me now - do not continue down the path of a Christian, it won't serve you, know that Christ will be a source that helps, but that the religion is not for people like me.  Teenage me, oddly enough, I guess knew I would be doing this stuff legitimately someday, but there were dark times ahead I had to get through to amount to something other than a casualty.  (I am not going Wiccan now, since that religion tends to frown on Jesus and Mary, and I owe these gods a great deal.  I am going to forge my own practice based on what proves to be effective in my case... it has worked enough so far.)

I can't even define this stuff anymore in me, except that it's become structurally pagan, and yet its own thing too, borrowing from other traditions that marry well with it.  I suppose this is the way deeper spirituality is for many.  Immersing myself in constant engagement with the soul has paid off - I am never truly lonely, I am mostly quite happy with life (even with a low income), and I feel satisfied that even if I found out that soon I might die of some terrible disease, life has been enough of a trip that it might not be so tragic.  I have learned a lot about myself in only 38 years on this planet.  Old age, if I get there, might even be a hoot.

Perhaps, to be an effective practitioner in what I am pursuing with the soul, I needed to try many things, see what worked and what didn't, and have that much more inner knowledge to fall back on.  Some would consider the pursuit of inner knowledge a lofty, perhaps impossible goal, but I have unlocked something and the wisdom that pours forth sometimes is at the very least fascinating.

Sister Penance is a very naughty nun indeed, and is never gonna get canonized now!  xD


Wednesday, 16 September 2020

"Red Lady"...


I made this painting of Sekhmet today.  I snapped a slightly better pic today after a few touchups, but again, this Samsung phone camera leaves something to be desired, and it never was the finest at capturing pictures, so it's not doing the line work justice here.  Just something I tackled spontaneously without much planning, got the itch to create so I took advantage of it.  Acrylics on canvas, with imitation gold lead and marker.

Trying to find a Sekhmet statue, and do you think any metaphysical store has any?!  I settled with ordering one through the Occult Shop.  I used to see Her everywhere... now, nothing.  I was actually gifted a Sekhmet necklace and silver ankh and passed them on to a friend before the wild phenomena with this goddess began... now I have regrets but I don't dare upset my friend.  That ain't right.

An unwanted spiritual visitor came by today - just some pesky spirit, but I was able to resolve it within half an hour.  It was just a creepy feeling coupled with a message to tackle the issue.  St. Michael and prayers to Sekhmet with white sage seemed to do the trick.  See, I DO need to use white sage after all!  xD


Monday, 14 September 2020

Lessons from observing false gurus...

Humility is important.  I was watching a rather bizarre episode of Dr. Phil today at work (don't ask - let's just say we only get an antenna and maybe 3 functioning channels, and sometimes I will watch trash television there and heckle it under my breath).  This episode featured a lady who was running a bizarre new age cult.  She seemed like a typical example of a kundalite who had likely reached a certain level but has experienced complications or a kind of spiritual lunacy, something that can lead to false gurus starting up things like this.  I have been terrified of falling into some kind of mind trip like that, where I may self-aggrandize due to my weirder, more otherworldly experiences, so to avoid any wackjob shit that goes too far I pop a low dose of an antipsychotic to ride out the wilder phenomena until everything is stabilized, and I approach the whole thing with a great deal of humility and humour.

This blog is my opportunity to discuss the phenomena of spiritual emergency, and the process of healing and learning from it, while making an art piece that is more self exploratory than anything else, and I hope I have achieved that.  Some of the stages of many forms of spiritual emergency can mirror psychosis or mania, and when psychiatry gets involved, it can get all the more confusing if doctors are ill informed.  It took reframing everything as the spiritual crisis it actually was to really grab the bull by the horns and get somewhere with healing, and that has required a rigorous daily practice.  At this point, the old feelings of dread are completely gone, and what's left is perhaps a slight awkwardness to channeled insights, and mild confusion over the nature of everything going on inside of me.  Maybe I have jumped the gun here and there with some of my writings, assuming too much of invocation events, without knowing necessarily of the influence of a new divinity.  Sometimes I delete an old article when I am just not sure about it anymore, wanting to edit my catalog of events.  One has to be cautious with mental phenomena, but I am a psychic in training, and I kind of needed phenomena to help navigate the complications, using it to self analyze and heal my situation, so it's tricky, and I have to rely on consistency of information.  Accurately reading oneself is one of the hardest things a psychic can do.  Practice, patience, humility.

One deity that keeps coming through in phenomena in a powerful way, throwing off the self interpretation of my personal path yet again, is Sekhmet.  Sometimes it feels almost like I am taking on a ghostly sense of Her form, not quite a shapeshifting thing, but an awareness of Her presence, which comes through if She's (apparently) speaking through a channeled message.  The ankh is once again featured in my spirit drawings, as much as the cross has been.  Phenomena with Sekhmet first appeared back in late 2006 with a few visions and voices, but came back in this year in a more powerful way.  After doing some practice with offerings and prayer, She's feeling slightly closer.  So I'm thinking that, like Christ, She's another real influence.  Not all have come through this strongly - perhaps some answer a prayer here or there if petitioned enough, while others are meant to be gods I turn to often.  Like a Hindu, I feel the more gods the merrier.  (Something else to add - the cobra is an animal affiliated with Sekhmet, so perhaps there's something to be said in that regard about my situation as well.)

And on that note, I have decided against RCIA Catholic school after all.  First off, at work, my "Benny Crux" (St. Benedict medal crucifix) broke at the clasp and slid to the floor, my Miraculous Medal of the Virgin Mary breaking with it, and then I channeled "You are not meant to be in my church but we are friends".  My first class was later that night, and while sitting in the lecture hall, a channeled message came through laughing, telling me that I would be sooooo bored in this course, and would never find a comfortable place in the Catholic church.  I mean, duh - I guess everyone was trying to tell me that, but I had to see it this way.  Experiences with Catholic imagery and objects intoxicated me, so I was in love with the idea for a while, but it's unlikely my mystical encounters would mean much to a bunch of celibate priests who don't like the idea of women having power in the church.  St. Teresa of Avila I am not to them, but I can still go to these environments as a tourist.  I also channeled that I am more like a monk than a nun ... one of my friends compared me to a beguine.

So, while I am not sure how to slot myself as a soul, there's now a "pagan" bent to some of my practice, with the influence of Sekhmet.  The seeking continues, but at least it seems the illness is continually backing off.


PS: I had discussed Lucifer being a possible influence that I recently shed, later deleting the article as I just wasn't sure.  It's possible I was correct in my assumption, since much has stilled since that time.  Night and day... the feelings of dread and soul crushing anxiety I would feel at night are gone.  So, it's possible.  There's more hope in me now than ever before.

Sunday, 13 September 2020

Leather nun habit + my feelings on certain spiritual arguments...

I bought latex... I bought cloth... now I want a leather nun habit!  I am looking into how I could obtain one on a budget, I don't want to spend more than $1000 on the complete outfit if I can avoid it - $800 would be more reasonable.  Because I financially benefited from CERB and not spending very much during this past while, I kind of want to treat myself to something, and thought that I need to expand my "holy" wardrobe, so why not?  Long sleeve leather dresses are available that are not very expensive on sites like Etsy (maybe $300 for one), and I could easily hire someone to make the nun accessories to go with it.  I called Northbound Leather in Toronto but they were charging too high for what I desired, so someone I know is going to ask a friend who works with this material and see what they would charge.  I don't know where I am going with this Sister Penance persona, but I want to look the part!

Also, I want to briefly discuss something that is very popular in spiritual conversation these days, something that has been getting on my nerves as someone who has had to rely on self-exploration with plant medicines to heal myself from spiritual sickness (all on my own because I never found a teacher for this specific thing).  It's become a trend to slam non-natives for using white sage and identifying with power animals, and I kind of have a problem with how aggressive some of these arguments have become.  Firstly, let's tackle the white sage one:

White sage is often the go to plant for ceremonial use of smudge in Anishinaabe ritual, such as healing circles, to name one example.  It has become "trendy" to criticize non-natives, especially white people, for burning white sage in this way.  I find this rather ridiculous, at least in the arguments I have seen presented, because every elder I have ever discussed my spiritual health with (and I have talked to 3 elders on and off, and many other First Nations people, many of whom live in my building) have suggested white sage and other plant medicines to me as treatments for my situation - in fact, they recommend it for pretty much everyone as a means of maintaining spiritual hygiene.  I don't know who these angry people are who say it is so wrong for a person like me to engage in using this plant medicine for personal usage, but that is not the tone I have gotten from the Anishinaabe community.  Sweetgrass helped save me from the situation with the demon, tobacco has healed me through use of it with prayer, and white sage was been good for calming me during a bad day.  Anishinaabe are the experts on their usage, and should be the go to people for advice on working with plant medicine, but to attack other groups for using it properly is absurd to me.  Where is there a problem when sacred medicine is used with respect?

Next: power animals.  Yes, it's obnoxious when non-natives describe a Pokemon as their "power animal" or whatever, but what about when it's something personally meaningful to the individual?  Look, I get power animals - they are not just something you identify with because you like it, you must have a profound encounter with this animal through journeying for it to be the kind of thing that is discussed in spirituality in the more legitimate sense.  But this is an experience not bound to any specific culture - though more significant in some cultures than others, it can also be significant in an individual.  Ask virtually any anthropologist, qualified psychologist who has studied world culture, or legitimate medicine person - "shamans"/healers/seers/etc (or those qualified to work as one) can be of any race, and though they are more prevalent in some parts of the world than others, those who get the call will find that it's not uncommon for an animal to come to be associated with their soul.  When you are called by the gods to work with them, it's real, even if you're white.  There is some basic commonality to this experience, perhaps different groups have different terms or interpretations of it, but it happens to many initiates.  So as someone who had powerful experiences as I felt my soul take on the form of a cobra (and am still looking to make sense of it), and who has wrestled through an intense dark night of the soul that lasted over a decade, healing myself as I crawled out of spiritual sickness, I am bored and insulted when someone says I should call this a "fursona" or a "patronus".  Great, so I should name it after something a TERF came up with - no thank you.  Indigenous culture is long overdue for greater respect, and I would be one of the first to say so, as bored as I am with colonialism, but so does individual experience deserve respect.  To ignore someone's story is also a mistake.

Systemic racism is impossible against whites, but stereotyping them is still possible, and seems to be a trend.  Though I like to throw around the word "honkey" on here, it's a pain in the ass when someone assumes I can't have a meaningful spiritual life simply because I'm caucasian.  I feel that cultural appropriation is negative when it causes a group or culture harm, or is exploitative, like when a non-native sells Anishinaabe ceremony for profit, but when someone is personally adopting practice that comes out of a place of respect, and helps them to feel better about their life, where's the harm?  That being said, white privilege is real, and the irritation I feel when someone criticizes me for using white sage is nothing compared to what indigenous communities endure on a daily basis, I acknowledge that.


Wednesday, 9 September 2020

My feelings about the art world...

I have recently wrestled with my desire to continue pursuing art as any kind of lucrative career, a feeling which seemed to come from the passing of my late father.  Something about losing a person very close to me caused me to re-examine my own mortality, my life, and drove me to want to heal myself completely, as quickly as possible.  My soul took the front seat of my priorities, and so my attention shifted from pursuing a career in visual arts to remedying my situation.  Writings continued with projects like this blog, the comic was completed, but visual art hasn't been something I have engaged in as much in recent years.  For whatever reason, I am just not feeling it.

Part of this is likely due to the fact that I have come to understand the commercial art world as a machine I have no interest in being a part of.  I am very self aware that I am not a technical master, I might have been had I followed through with a higher art education, but I decided that I was fine with the level I reached, it was sufficient to tell the story I wanted to craft with my comics, and that perhaps too much school might have killed the soul behind the art.  There is something about art school, when I did take a year of it, that was crushing my spirits, and I felt that everything was about technique, and little was about meaning.  I left, deciding I would just make my comics anyway, and see where it took me, not wanting to destroy the passion.

I once loved convention time, now it's hard to bring myself to do comic conventions, I find them to be a world where I am an outsider peddling a niche product that would appeal to some, but I will never be a big league player, and I don't want to be.  Indie zine fairs are more fun to me, I love seeing what the underdog has to say in print.  A flashy, well executed, compelling narrative, in film or comics, does have appeal when it reaches me, but the fact that so much formula is behind how it is crafted kills it for me, in some ways.  I am much more pleased by effortless creativity in the arts, that comes from the muses and little more, even if it isn't perfect technically, because I see a soul expressing itself, rather than a product designed for mass appeal, backed by psychologists, flow charts and graphs, which is how Pixar does it.  It robs art of its humanity, and I don't want any part of that world, no matter how much money I could get from being involved in it.  Soulless.  

There's something about being a commercial artist that destroys the joy the inner child feels when expressing oneself - it becomes about productivity and pleasing the client, and art isn't allowed, often enough, to be about raw expression anymore, and exploring one's personal humanity.  I have tried to be an illustrator for hire, I got gigs here and there, and loathed it.  I have decided I will likely only create to please and express my soul, and for no other reason, even if it kills my likelihood of having a lucrative career.  The soul is in command of my life, and I will obey her, when she decides something for me, and this includes my work.  Children, as unrefined as they are stylistically, know something about art that adults forget, and I knew I would lose this completely if I subjected myself to a full art education, and I absolutely refuse to let that happen.  Let technique improve out of self exploration, not of the discipline of what is known to work from professionals who write the rules.  Allow originality to flow out of experimentation, art for the sake of self expression, not to please the common observer and disappear into a mass of art that all looks exactly the same.  This means more to me than being a wizard.  I am on a hiatus, I am not sure how long it will last, but I don't want to push myself to lose what remains of my love of being creative.

I'm also not invested in digital art, a medium I respect as far as what can be produced with it, but I see it everywhere, and I feel it is, like many things computers have brought, rather soulless.  I also fear data loss, and find the idea of not being able to sell an original piece (you can only ever sell a print with digital art) less satisfying, both for me and for the customer.  I don't own a tablet and I don't care to take on that kind of art, if I can avoid it.  "Asylum Squad" was drawn with pen and ink, and tones later digitally added, but that's it.  I can't stand how computers have infiltrated art as much as they have, and I wish cinema would rely on puppetry more than CGI when it makes sense a puppet would give it a finer, more worldly quality.  I am such a luddite, I don't care about what a computer can do - I stopped caring after "Toy Story 2".

Right now, I will make things for use with my spiritual practice, I will do Hallowe'en costumes, I will paint here and there, but it's only when I am moved to do so.  I don't believe art was meant to be a product, yet here we are, and I am unmoved by what the modern age has to offer in many ways.  I think one exception to how I feel about computers taking over is certain forms of electronic music which I find interesting due to the unique sounds synthesizers can make, but when it comes to visual arts, I am frustrated by what is coming of everything.  If I carve out an art career despite my desire to turn my nose up at technology, so be it, but in the meantime, I will only focus on meaningful projects.


Tuesday, 8 September 2020

Recent magickal spells...

This is basically just going to be an update on things, mainly to discuss recent magickal spells I have worked with.  Let's start with the funny one:

My sister is catsitting, and the owner of this furry house guest hasn't surfaced yet to collect his animal.  The cat is spraying all over her apartment, her allergies are acting up, and things have become a bit of a conundrum at her end.  Since this animal is too dignified for diapers, my sister asked me to work some magick on the situation.  I had been out of town for several days, which I'll get to later on in this post, but when I got home I used a basic candle spell with some intention objects to make sure the cat stops spraying everywhere, and that things go smoothly, that the owner resurface, collecting the feline.  Some of the sources I prayed to for this included St. Gertrude (the patron saint of cats), St. Francis of Assisi, Sekhmet, the Great Goddess, Christ, and the Spirit itself.  Today I got a message that things seem to be turning around, so I guess it worked, as the cat only sprayed one more time, and then stopped.  My magick works!

I also cast a spell to try and work with healing and freeing myself of all remaining complications, something I was doing with prayer and through other means, but I also wanted to try with a candle spell.  I must now wait things out for this one, it's still underway.  I am doing much better as of late, marijuana has helped immensely with my mind.  I got the message that things will be a little wonky regardless of what I do, for a while, until enough time has passed, after what I have been through.  The demon destroyed the structure of my mind, and it has been rebuilding, a lengthly process.  My prescription marijuana appointment is tomorrow, and though I finally tried a vape I find it just isn't spiritually the same thing as it is when smoking it, so I may have to just accept my lungs will be funny for a while, until I no longer need this.  But the brain feels splendid.

So, I was out of town for my stepdad's 80th birthday, and we had a social distancing party to celebrate.  It was a surprise party, Mom had organized that a line of cars pass by the house, honking and giving out presents.  It was very touching for him, and eclipsed the Kitchener-Waterloo area Oktoberfest parade in some ways, but that's no real stretch because Oktoberfest is not very interesting as far as parades go.  I did some readings on the two felines there and Luigi the big black cat is only on his first life, hence why he is not the brightest.  Lola, the ghost tabby, has psychic powers, can sense spirits, and got this from her last life, where she was a human.  Something went wrong, and a dark force she was working with in that society caused her karma to go strange, so she returned as a house cat, and is not nuts about it.  The reading went on to say that she's not impressed when people talk down to her like an animal, but will get used to it, midlife, and return as a human again after this life.  Karma's a bitch!

Also while I was out of town, I got caught up a little on 'Orange is the New Black' episodes, a show I was slightly into because it is about institutional living, even though it's prison, not the mental hospital.  I sometimes feel I lived 'OITNB', Thorazine edition, with the way my life went for a while.  Analyzing the characters, I see Nicky in my persona, and Yoga Jones in my soul.  My favourite character by far is Pennsatucky.  Though in this show the most beloved characters are the inmates, it doesn't translate so well in the real world, and I wonder how much I am still secretly judged because of my past.  I have to go the extra mile and be Wonder Woman to live a semi normal life in the social sense.  Oh well, it taught me patience with humanity, and resilience.

I'm starting RCIA classes soon, just out of curiosity.  This is basically Catholic class.  I think they would find me too wild for their church, but it's worth getting some insight into the religion anyway, perhaps even just for personal practice, if I don't choose to confirm.  A close friend is taking them with me, even though she's already in the church.

Hope that the cat pee spell continues to work!  :0


Monday, 31 August 2020

Hallowe'en costume for 2020 verdict: Pope Joan!

Today I decided that I'm going to dress like the mythical (legendary?) female Catholic ruler, Pope Joan.  I have a lot of fun when I make religious costumes (which are usually warmer to wear anyway, for the fall, as they tend to be modest) so at work today, while thinking about Hallowe'en, I thought about how fun it would be to go as her.  My earlier choice was Lynda Carter style Wonder Woman, but my body isn't right for that skimpy outfit (too much gut!) so I decided to play it modest again... plus, Wonder Woman is such a common thing to see on Hallowe'en, or at comic conventions.  So Pope Joan it is.  I just bought a priest robe from that should do the trick, and I will construct a pope hat from scratch, and possibly a crook to carry.  Not that hard a costume, and probably easy enough to make look really good.

I kind of get off going out for walks in this wretched, soulless city dressed as extravagant things, holy icons... fuck being sexy on the 31st.  Kiss my motherfucking feet, sinners.  I'm the goddamn She Pope this year.  Can't wait!


Sunday, 30 August 2020

The Noble Eightfold Path: How it has helped me...

Back when I became a seeker in 2006, even when I was playing around with experimental spellcraft (before initiating anything relevant with it), Buddhism was the first path I began to consider when I sought higher consciousness.  I had known some interesting Buddhists at that time, and had great respect for this religion and philosophy.  Though I didn't get far with it in any serious sense, I tried my best to unconsciously follow what the Buddha taught in relation to the Noble Eightfold Path, or at least consider it.  As I examine where I have come since that time, I notice that I must be doing a pretty good job most days, and I know it has changed patterns in my life.  This set of guidelines is excellent for mental health too, and I think should be more widely considered by everyone, be they an atheist, a believer, or anything in between.  So now I'm going to break these components down and see how they have helped me:

Right View: This one can be tricky in a world like this, and I know I still wrestle with it.  Right View implies an understanding of the way things are, of the principles of life.  I have noticed humanity has a tendency, especially now, to overanalyze things, leading to false conclusions, which creates havoc in the mind, and in life.  Eastern philosophical studies have helped me with having the Right View, where other areas of spirituality have fallen a bit short for me, including aspects of modern day Christianity.  I think you just have to keep working at this one to find what sits right with you as a soul, and go with that once you discover it.  It's a bit of an art to understand this, but well worth discovering.

Right Resolve: Also known as Right Intention... can be tricky but I think I have gotten the hang of this.  I still have thoughts that I don't like, but I no longer obsess about them, can recognize they're not wanted immediately, and I constantly seek to refine this.  Living the mildly ascetic life that I do (at least for a westerner) has made this easier, because I can stop obsessing about worldly things that would be a distraction.  The biggie that helped me was working with Metatron, who has also helped me with other areas of the Eightfold Path, but especially with how I think.  I would recommend reaching out to angels to get this one right.  I think being slightly ill even now makes this one the hardest for me.

Right Speech: I'm a chatterbox and have learned to refine what I say, but I could still use some improvement as far as how much I say that is irrelevant or perhaps verging on being gossipy.  I know I have improved greatly from where I was because so little comes that is detrimental of what I tell people.  My aim is to say something pleasant or relevant these days, though I still have my moments due to health issues that are not fully resolved.  I guess it's important to just keep trying my best to perfect this, but I know I'm on the right track.  One of the healthiest things I decided to do, which is what my analyst suggested, was to engage less online with discussions that could lead to arguments.  This rid me of much anxiety, and improved my relations.

Right Action: I fucked up here and there with this as a younger woman, but this is pretty easy for me now.  I have reached a certain level where I am cautious with every major decision I make, weighing the options and considering whether the change is even necessary.  I tend to keep things as they are unless something really needs to be changed, if things are working, I don't want to stir things up too much.  I am a gentler person and am more confident that things are going to mostly remain stable with this in check.  The Virgin Mary REALLY helped with this, bigtime.

Right Livelihood: This one is tricky, but only because of being a modern woman, in my opinion.  It is also up for debate, depending on what culture one comes from, and what components of livelihood are being discussed.  Some would suggest going vegetarian to follow this component.  While I can't commit to that both as a kundalite and as someone who simply has never been able to tolerate going without meat, I did reduce my meat intake to be less cruel by becoming flexitarian.  I am also learning to reduce alcohol consumption, and find any way I can to be in good health, and promote good health around me.  There is more here for me to work on, but I am trying my best.

Right Effort: Here's one that I'm a bit of a champ with - the drive towards perfection is on my mind constantly.  I won't even leave my mundane job for something more sophisticated because this job offers me enough downtime to maintain my practice at work.  If there's one area of the Eightfold Path that I have nailed, it is Right Effort.  I believe this arose from a need when I was under spiritual assault... as a result, I got a taste for it, and it's now highly enjoyable to live a life like this.  I slip into an uncomfortable state if this is not regular in me.  It's an obsession, but because it is good for me, it is a healthy obsession.

Right Mindfulness: Again, thank you Metatron for helping me with this!  Though here and there I have my moments where I slip out of it, my base state is mindfulness, and I have that angel to thank for it.  Very popular in mental health circles, especially in therapies like Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, there are many eastern teachings in relation to mindfulness, but at its core it's mainly about living in the moment.  I live a life where I plan ahead, certainly, but I also examine each day and take it as it comes.  I find I have more problems with events of the past that have haunted me than I do over fretting the future, which doesn't scare me - this is due to trauma and injustice, which I continue to work to overcome, and my fear of death is almost entirely gone now because of my mediumistic abilities that awakened with the death of my late father.  Mostly, I'm doing well here.

Right Concentration: (Or Right Samadhi) - I feel that my mind has changed in many respects, for the better.  Though I am still coming out of odd states, there are areas of my mind that are quite polished and still, and I am more self aware of components of my psyche than ever before, recognizing things as they rise to the conscious in the mind, able to understand them.  My practice has brought me to this, and I know it continues to shape me.  I feel I am now on the verge of something great in my healing, and though my ideas can seem all over the map when I write, I understand that's just how it might be for a while.

I would advise anyone in any Right Hand Path or Middle Path practice to consider components of the Noble Eightfold Path in their approach to the world.  The more one generates good karma and relations to the world around them, the finer life becomes, and the greater one's successes will be with the soul.  Taking on these simple rules to living can overtime greatly help a person to get a finer sense of who they are, and even help them to hear the messages that the Spirit has to say to them in every day events.  One thing I realized is that I have to treat what others say to me as though God is saying it - what is the basic message?  How is it presented?  Don't read too much into it, but what do you see?  This is a good way of assessing how one relates to the world, if there are any problems with it, or it things are stable.  I am now better able to recognize a sign when it's in front of me, and with Jungian analysis I can sum up what the message might be saying.  It's an art, one that requires a great deal of training, and I feel the Noble Eightfold Path is a good way of helping people to get there.


Thursday, 27 August 2020

New spirit drawings coming through...

<- This sigil is one I received in recent memory that I was told is the symbol of an angel named "Halaliel".  This was a name I had never heard before, so I booted up Google and did a search.  Edgar Cayce, a psychic I have never studied, is said to have channeled an angel named Halaliel who spoke through him about a prophecy of the coming of the second Christ, someone who would be named Jon Peniel.  This happened a bit before it never happened again, and Halaliel is an angel never before spoken of in any sacred text.  Very strange, but I think it's super cool I channeled this without the knowledge of this angel, and I want to use this sigil on my business card design, instead of the old design I was playing around with, to promote my psychic business, since it was from the Spirit.  Halaliel is the "Lord of Karma", according to these channeled sessions with Cayce.

Also recently I began getting a yoni, which I deduced represents the Goddess, or Sacred Feminine power.  Channel is telling me that I have reached a level through working with the Virgin Mary and the Goddess where the Sacred Feminine is firmly established in me, and so perceiving the Sacred Masculine will feel easier on the psyche.  Looks like initiation time is winding down, and I am grounding, as I continue to heal my idiosyncratic neurology with CBD and practice.

Speaking of CBD, I am looking into a medical marijuana prescription now, though a clinic.  If approved, it would make it more affordable and I would likely get finer grade stuff.  Again, not looking to get high, no THC please, just healing.  I can see how it has helped and so even if this isn't approved, I will likely keep using CBD for the next little while, but my psychiatrist thinks it's likely to go through.  I am getting a vape from my Mom soon so I will make the switch from smoking to vaping and give my poor lungs a break, though they're handling things well.  The brain is definitely feeling quite happy, compared to what it felt before.

Aw, man - I caved and watched "The Craft" again last night.  Not gonna lie, that little piece of 90s teen fluff is so watchable that it's probably my favourite movie of all time now.  I want to say that a Terry Gilliam movie would be my fave, but no... fuck having finer taste.  I can't stop putting on "The Craft" every few months and enjoying it all over again.  Fairuza Balk gives me a she-boner, even though I don't find girls amorously interesting... she's just so fucking cool as Nancy Downs.  Love her!



Monday, 24 August 2020

My astrological chart...


Thought I'd post my astrology from a chart generator - I took out certain details such as my birth time and location for privacy, but I wanted to post the rest.  Astrology is something I haven't seriously gotten into, but I have friends who are very good at interpreting charts and I often discuss things like the signs with them.

Something interesting I saw recently while studying mine - I am VERY Venus heavy, with three positions in Taurus, and three others in Libra.  I guess that means I'm just that much more glamorous than most - HA!  (One of my astrology nerd friends noted that I have the chart of "a hero"... nice!)

I thought about learning more but decided to just focus on psychic powers - astrology is a discipline I am not willing to commit to in any serious way, but I still find it interesting as a hobby.


Sunday, 23 August 2020

An update to my writing on curses...

"Who's Sorry Now" - by Connie Francis

I posted some writings about what I have interpreted on the nature of curses in the past - I want to make an update on some of that now, since I just received refined messages on this subject, while probing it.  Here we go:

To effectively curse someone, one must be at a significantly developed level to have the prowess to effect that kind of change in the world.  When people think about cursing others, they would likely consider turning to black magick with demons, invoking Satan or what not, but there's some issues in working with the diabolical.  Firstly, there is the likelihood of long term karmic problems in one's own life, or spiritual backlash if you involve yourself too heavily with forces that are not of the will of the Spirit.  Secondly, if you do create an effective result with these forces, it is likely to only be if it would go against the Spirit's will - so, you might harm someone who honestly does not deserve it, which is a very bad idea for one's karma in the long term.  Also, what I am understanding is that yes, anything you could effect change with using devils might play out in a destructive way against your target - yet, it should be noted that to truly devastate a life, you want to get Divinity to curse your target, that it be God's will (otherwise it wouldn't work, if it's with Divinity).  Then it is especially juicy how it will play out - it is also that much harder to lift a curse the Divine inflicted than one of dark forces, simply because dark forces are spiritually inferior.  So, if you are powerful enough, consider that if God agrees that a person deserves to be cursed, it is better both for you and for your results.  Generally speaking, God might agree with the curse if it is a means to an end for a necessity.  Don't fuck around with lower magick - I can't stress this enough!

So, looking at these TikTok baby witches and their moon cursing shit is so laughable to me, as is how many pagans reacted to it.  Firstly, I doubt these girls even have the clout as magicians to curse anything at this point, especially considering what they were attempting to curse (also, one has to wonder if they are at an age where they have truly refined themselves enough for any kind of relevant magickal power).  Pagans online reacted in a way that I also laughed at, because they implied that what they did was profoundly unwise and would insult the gods.  Uhm, seeing as these are goofy girls doing goofy girl shit, I doubt the gods were even aware, doubt they could have been affected, and also people are anthropomorphizing Divinity a bit much assuming a god would react to this the same way a human would.  It just sounds silly all around to me, coming from someone who understands how to work with the gods after calling to them to get through demonic possession.  Neopaganism really looks silly to me when it's done badly.

So remember, sinners - devotion will get you far.  And aim high, don't play with pig shit like Satan.  Glorifying this kind of source for "helping" you is like praising a pedophile with a white van for handing out candy to children.  Refine your qualities, listen to the messages the world whispers to you, and be with the will of the Spirit, and you will be surprised at what Divinity will let you get away with, if God thinks it's a good idea.


Saturday, 22 August 2020

Interpreting the Spirit through channel...

Time to revisit something I have discussed here before - channeling, to refine some of my ideas:

This is a skill that has gradually developed out of my experiences where I have a kind of perception through a vocal mechanism that I call "channel" where I perceive information from the Spirit (or God, or whatever you want to call the higher consciousness).  Sometimes I question what is coming through, due to the fact that I have come to learn that such a feat is very tricky, and can take a lifetime of refinement before getting quite fine, so a lot of what I have written about based on channel might be irrelevant, and sometimes I delete old articles if I find them too off down the road.  It's not that my channel is interpreting anything dark, or that it is just some strange phenomenon that means nothing, it's that this is a real challenge to accomplish in a finer sense.

My understanding is that when certain people receive tongue talking (or glossolalia, which is the technical term), it's their souls opening up and attempting to interpret the Spirit.  Some say it's a language of angels or the Divine, but I believe it's a reaction when one can't clearly behold what is coming through to them.  Perhaps I have a special talent in beholding Divinity where, instead of tongues, I receive English, and also I have possibly channeled Aramaic at one time.  I also have gotten tongues, but mostly I get my native language.  The trick now is to refine what is already there, which is a daily devotional routine of mine.  When this first opened up, it was a sentence here or there of encouragement, now it is endless passages of insight.  I would say I am at least approaching an advanced level of intermediate skill with this, where the consensus of the message finds a way to make it through, I can grasp the ballpark of what is trying to be stated, but finer details may be missing.  This makes psychic readings convincing enough that I come across as legit as readers go, but finer details of events I see through this method may not get interpreted.  So there is still work to do.

I assume my neurology is going through rapid shifts right now - 2020, for all its flaws, has been a year of great progress for me in a couple of ways.  The Ajna chakra region was really off for a long time, and seems to be improving - because my brain was in agony for so long, I must live low as a lifestyle to advance, needing much time to myself for growth and contemplation.  It's more about transcending the illness in me than it is about recovering from it - I don't want to go back to where I was, I want to go beyond it.

I am giving the Hare Krishna mantra a shot almost daily with some mala beads I have had for a while.  Just another meditation to work with, considering it's possible Krishna has helped me too.  Doesn't hurt!


Thursday, 20 August 2020

Comic publication update, and other things...

I checked in with the printers and they are only in office here and there, not enough to dedicate time to putting together my graphic novel.  Their time in office will resume to normal hours come September, when I am to check in with them again.  If all goes well, a fall release is expected - maybe by November.  The latest would be by the winter.  Again, deep apologies for taking so long to get the final ball rolling - COVID-19 is the only reason this book is not available yet, but had I gotten on this last fall, it could have been in stores by now.  The feelings of wanting a massive art hiatus put this on the back burner until I decided it was getting ridiculous... then we were hit with a pandemic.  Wonderful. 

A great calm has been coming over me during the past while... one that has been consistent.  Either the CBD is really working now or I did something with prayer and the kundalini that was powerfully successful.  I am really now feeling that, in time, there will come a day where antipsychotics will be a thing of the past in my life, and lowering my dose safely to 40 mg could soon be a realistic option... I always had hopes of being free, now I powerfully believe it's possible.  My subconscious has been weird, making me very cautious, but it seems to be settling.  Less nonsense comes through channel, several recent readings surprised people with how well they went.  Something has improved in Anahata that might have not been refined before... I think I invoked aid with this, I feel warm sensations in that region of the soul on and off, and calm as a result.  I have let go of the idea that I am haunted by darkness now - I have had after effects that led my mind to wander and feel darkness, but it is illness that I am recovering from, not negativity oppressing me.  That time has passed, most days are lovely.  It is easier to relax.

My Dad visited me the other day while I was at work, alone - I seem to channel messages he's relaying to me a bit better now.  I can't say much, only that he's relaying spiritual advice and encouragement.  Again, the way I perceive spiritual visitors is a sense of presence, coupled with channeled input that suggests emotion and information, I do not see them like a ghost before me.  I am rather glad I don't - it might be too much for me, after what I have been through.  Dad visits more often than other spirits.  My psychic mentor says the wise way to approach spiritual visitors is to allow them to visit you, not to call them in like a seance.

Some phenomena remains a bit peculiar - one example is the sense that I have an open communication forming with someone living right now.  There is no way in this world of confirming it at this point, but I shall treat it as though it's real to play it safe.  I know that kundalini and other forms of spiritual opening can produce strange phenomena that means nothing, so I am slightly concerned I am deceived still by my own soul, but other cultures would say this kind of thing is real, so I won't dismiss it completely.  Best to experiment and see where it goes.

I might see my psychic teacher today, go hang in his shop and do some readings to train.  I'm trying to enjoy what remains of this summer, despite how uneventful things have been.  But that's ok, as long as I stay healthy.


Monday, 10 August 2020

Kundalini discomfort...

Ok sinners, I may have just cured myself yesterday!  First of all, I want to list some of the problems I have been dealing with lately that have been complicating my life, and then go into what happened:

- A feeling of chronic low energy and weariness

- Chronic tension headaches

- Confusion in channeled information coupled with odd psychological pain

- Uncomfortable energy sensations in the chest and gut

- The fear that I am still very much affected by sinister forces

- Seizure-like reactions when trying to bed down

- Problems with sleep

- Neurological issues

- Subconscious frustration

D'uh - it was right under my nose!  This is classic kundalini irritation, if something is not addressed in the process.  So I prayed rigorously to my sources that I be free of all negative kundalini symptoms (I had previously prayed away kundalini complications, but didn't consider mere symptoms as well) and noticed my headache was lifted, my energy felt higher, and insights began to make more sense.  I had wrestled with my understanding of things by studying several schools of thought (but mainly the eastern kundalini model) for this kind of universal human experience, I confused meaning as much as anyone else with my channel as it was, sometimes assuming too much about one cultural interpretation versus another.  Regardless of what model you follow, I would often feel the eastern interpretation was the one I grasped the finest, and I have many books on this subject, some good, some awful.

Kundalini awakening can become a syndrome if aggravated - in my case, it was likely due to both a demonic entity and using psychoactives too much.  It was excruciating for years, but up until this point it had become just exhausting and irritating.  There have been many days where I just wanted to curl up in bed and cry over what I was feeling, not knowing how to proceed... western medicine is useless except to provide pills if a symptom is uncomfortable.  They do not understand the underlying cause.

And now I finally understand what on earth that strange chest sensation was - not a field in me, but instead Anahata chakra changing and being worked on.  It feels weird, so I was worried it was physical... it was so intense it felt like it was in my lungs.  Now I can be at peace when it happens, knowing it's actually a positive thing that just feels strange.  This has been incredibly confusing, leading me to type far too many blog articles that muse over dead end theories as to what's going on and how to proceed - but that's the way it can be for the seeker in spiritual emergency.  I hope this doesn't mean I have presented as foolish with some of the theories I have had.  I still won't budge from the idea that I was possessed and got out of it, though - it was simply too dark and had such an intense destructive nature on my life that it couldn't have just been a delusion.  Also, having that entity would help explain how kundalini got so strange, as though my own kundalini was attacking me itself.

CBD feels like a good ongoing treatment for this because I have felt more at ease since using it rather regularly, it's not a psychoactive but it feels therapeutic.  I am concluding it's best to continue avoiding THC.  Psychoactives might be beneficial for earlier levels, but one should let them go eventually or shit gets complicated.  I got an insight that my kundalini has reached the hair line, so I must now really watch what I consume.  I try to exercise enough but it's mainly low key stuff like strolling the city, I feel rigorous exercise like cardio is a bit overwhelming and I can't commit to it.  Diet wise, I tend to crave heavier foods, which I think is what my body wants to consume to feel more solid and rooted.  A trained yogi might recommend red meat if someone was in a kundalini syndrome... not all yogis are vegetarian, or should be.  I want to be in better shape but I am very cerebral right now and it's difficult to commit to my body in a way that might be easier for others.

So this is the theory today, I am running with it, it certainly explains quite a few things I have experienced.  So many of my old posts, including recent ones, are irrelevant, but that's ok.  Again, I am not a teacher, not a guru... I am just a student here.


Friday, 24 July 2020

CBD updates and phenomena...

I had a bit of a Nancy Reagan moment for a while recently, when something came through channel that asked me not to do any more CBD, but later I came to realize it's another example of phenomena I am trying to free myself of.  The problem is, senses are heightened, and I can grow anxious if I think too much about things.  Analysis has helped me to stop overanalyzing most things, but I will still have days where I give things too much thought.  There is still work ahead, I am sure, to heal fully, but it looks like CBD is good as a tool for my treatment.  Interesting reactions where my spine goes erect have happened with it, I think something with the DMT might be reacting.  Part of me is considering what little I know about biochemistry, but I also have to consider what I know of traditions.  Sometimes, I feel like the presence of another deity, Sekhmet, is coming through - not exactly like a shapeshifting thing, but like I feel Her face about my head, like a ghostly mask.  This happened once the other day in a park where I was, hanging around some people - it's like She came through to tell me to move on, because they were losers.  Not sure if it is this goddess, but I listened.  I did have Egyptian imagery as visions years ago, it's coming back a bit now, as I heal.

Something else happening - I am having phenomena where it seems like I am talking to someone, but I am not sure how real it is.  When it comes to me, I engage it, and usually I get a response.  It brings me comfort to think it could be real, I take on the mindset of experimenting and treating things as though they are real, to see them through, like a role in a game.  I feel it is much better than ignoring them completely, which left me stuck in the past, when I was ignoring the likelihood that my demon was real.  I wonder what Dr. Jung would think of all this?  He'd either think I'm a wise fool or a mind lost in the unconscious.  At least I can balance my life to engage this at will.  I lead a simpler life now, but it isn't in turmoil.  I can still do my job, see friends, take care of things, be on top of bills.  Metatron, I believe, helped me to balance the Western way with this stuff.

I hope that once I am healed, I can know exactly how many gods are involved with all of this - it's kind of hard to tell.  I have learned to base understanding on results, not phenomena.  Meanwhile, Vishnu/Krishna's forehead marking keeps coming through spirit drawings, so once again I continue to pray to him.  If I am not meant to be Roman Catholic, perhaps I am only religious in that I devote my time and energy to Divinity in a way that borders on being religious, because I am immersed in this almost constantly.  Catholics, I doubt, would like a churchgoer who prays to many gods.  Do I even need an official path?  Spirit is crafting one for me, I don't feel any group is going to understand that right now.  Sometimes I think I'm really just meant to be Christian (and only Christian) with interesting experiences, but then something always makes me reconsider things again.