New painting: "Heart of The Lamb"...

This is a piece that I started last night, finished today, and might touch up a bit later.  As you probably guessed, this is a Jesus themed painting - I like doing religious surrealism and pop surrealism, psychedelic lines seem to feature a lot in my pieces.  Acrylic on canvas board, with black and gold pen.

Since I don't feel as driven by art as I once did, when I do feel the muse kick up, I try to follow through and make something.  I fell out of love with the idea of being a commercial artist, hating the industry, and will now only paint for enjoyment (usually).  I don't mind the idea of being an artist with a cult following, but in the meantime I don't feel like making a business out of my art... I can't think that way for now.

New prayers that might have helped, in the long term: though I have incrementally made things better with time, I wondered what it all meant.  I shrugged one day, recently, and prayed to Christ that I get a job as a working "shaman".  (I know that word comes with negative connotations, but not having officially come from a tradition, I don't know what else I should use - I know an Algonquin man who self identifies as a shaman, and he is the real deal, able to go into trance journeys at will, without psychoactives, and has done marvelous journeys for me, so if he's calling himself that, I might as well too.). After praying this, I got a sense the Spirit is going to shape me to be something over the next few months, so we shall see.  White medicine people that are legit do exist, but there are too many plastic shamans out there making the real ones look bad.  Bottom line: if you didn't get sick because of the spirit world and cure yourself to find your power, you are NOT a real shaman, you are perhaps a healer or a shamanic practitioner.  There are degrees.

I am still of the opinion that part of my journey (a big part) was about refinement, finding my strength, and becoming a talent with spirituality... maybe this is my call as a job.  I will wait for the world to show me doorways... it makes sense in this case, if it is a call.  I believe that even big cities in the west need doctors of the soul, perhaps in some ways they are starving for them.

-Saraƒin

PS: Also showing off my new tarot card earrings - from Spencer's!

Eucharistic prayers...

I went to Catholic mass yesterday, for the first time in a while, after getting the impression that some of my spirit drawings were implying that I should take the eucharist for help with my growth in Jesus.  I snuck communion, posing as a Catholic, which I have done before - some say that's taboo, but I have heard others say it's only really offensive if you are doing it to troll, that some Catholics don't mind an Anglican like me taking it with sincere intentions.  The official opinion, as far as I can tell, is that Rome doesn't like it, but many parishes don't give a shit.

Then I remembered that I can just pray for the eucharist if I can't be in church to receive it, which is what Catholics had to do during the pandemic.  So I experimented, praying to Christ and Mary that it be possible to receive multiple "doses" of this in one day, and then used a mantra of praying it repeatedly for the next few hours.

The result, later, was that I felt slightly closer to Jesus.  Certain spirit drawings stopped showing up, and channel felt more relaxed.  Time will tell, as with everything, but I may have just figured out something with my relationship to Christ.  What has affected me, in some ways, is a byproduct that is the result of a sinful entity having inhabited my soul for over a decade.  This has faded with time and self treatment, but I still am not 100% - it's more like 75-80% at this point, maybe even finer.

This must all sound so insane, but Christian mysticism is powerful stuff, and spiritual illness is real.  Healing is about coaxing everything in the right direction, and it seems I have come a long way.  My dreams, too, seem to be revealing hints to me about what to consider in prayers, healing, and what it all means.

-Saraƒin

Video: Scrying with crystal balls...

 

I learned something interesting while channeling this - my method of scrying is unique to a certain variant of psychic, others work with this differently.  I hope I did this subject matter justice, as I am self taught in this area of psychic ability... it just came to me after years of attunement.

It seems I have to sort out things with my subconscious some more, I get it is still integrating with the conscious mind.  This means I am still in an awkward stage where I may misinterpret my state, hence this being a contemplation blog, not a teaching blog.  To get a clear and accurate reading, I have learned it is necessary to open with prayers... otherwise, the subconscious might just blurt something out.

-Saraƒin

Video: Crystals...

 

This ain't your typical crystal chick video - I go into how damaging the industry of crystal mining is to communities in the world that the First World exploits.  But I also discuss principles of how these items can still be beneficial, hence why so many swear by them.  I am trying out some for myself right now - a pouch containing selenite, clear quartz, obsidian, and amethyst.  I am not obsessed with crystals and only buy them as I require them, and have also had some gifted to me.  Spirit told me that this industry should be considered far more offensive than the idea of non-natives using white sage (for example), which can always grow back in nature... with minerals, once they're gone, they're gone.

I am having a day where I feel extra relaxed, and have felt some psychological shifts, so if I seem a bit tired here, that's why.  Nothing to worry about!

-Saraƒin

Pine tea...

More tea time talk!

I figured out what another spirit drawing was saying to me - it was a Christmas tree, which I thought was implying a season coming that would usher in a change.  But nope, it was another suggestion for healing: pine, because I also got directed to pine for medicine in my magical herbs encyclopedia.

I went for a stroll with my clippers and a bag of tobacco to locate pine in my neighbourhood.  Right around the corner, on my block, I found pine growing.  Speaking to the tree, I offered tobacco and said I needed its medicine, then clipped a branch.  I returned home, cut the branch in half, boiled one half, and made a brew with it.  After consecrating it to Sekhmet for healing, I poured a mug of it and put the rest in an empty mason jar for storage.

Sipping it, I began to feel relaxed and slightly high.  I channeled that the medicine was going to work - I still feel relaxed and high, and will wait and see how this unfolds.

There has been an intense look in my eyes since the lunar eclipse, which I mentioned in my last post.  I am understanding that I am closer to a higher level of soul realization, and my true nature is coming forward.  It seems I am meant to have a clear mind and a good heart, but an angry spirit... interesting.

I am now completely convinced I can cure myself and I may be very close to a breakthrough, if I haven't had one already.

-Saraƒin

Video: Being "called" / having a vocation...

I see in this video how my eyes have changed since yesterday.  As I had predicted, that lunar eclipse ushered in a change for me... all that spiritual medicine I have been using has been helping me to heal and to realize my soul.  It looks as though I am finally taking on the qualities of Cobra and it shows.  I feel much more relaxed, much more myself, and able to take on the world.  I am hoping this continues!

As mentioned in this video, two other rosary coven members and I headed tonight to a Catholic cemetery and prayed the Anima Sola prayer on our beads in the dark.  It was nice and crisp in the air, under the full moon.  One other member and I sensed spirits around us as we concluded it... a nice thing to do on a November evening.  We shall have to do a night of Order of the Blood of the Lamb in a cemetery sometime as well, and drink consecrated alcohol with the saints.  (We were all in black so I suppose it was something wholesome to do that looked strangely unwholesome - lol!)

-Saraƒin

In trance?

It's hard to tell being on these antipsychotics, because they cause a kind of sadly necessary psychological block to maintain an equilibrium I require right now, but I may have been in some kind of strange trance since 2006, thanks to the satanic entity that attacked me.  I got a message yesterday to pray to Archangel Gabriel about this, so I followed through, and am waiting to see results.  Again, meds help with my current quality of life, but they also make gauging symptoms tricky, and they dull clairvoyance.  But I need to work a job, I need to go about my day without assistance in the big city, so they're a bandaid that I have to take until my recovery is complete.

Today I can't tune in to read, but I am getting "downloads" of insight here and there, automatically - I sometimes have days like this.  Something happened yesterday in prayer and I got the sense there's a big change underway.  I think the tobacco tea helped, I think my psychology is shifting and it's subtle but I'm going to see results as time unfolds.  I keep drawing a Christmas tree, I am not sure what it means, but maybe this coming holiday season, or some other, will be eventful for healing, or something else.  Interpreting spirit drawing is a bit like playing Pictionary with God - He is trying to relay something to me in the form of an image, hinting a suggestion or outcome, and I have to make sense of it through analysis.  Good thing I have been an analysand for 7 years - it really helps to break down the meaning in things.

I don't think I am going to need the antidepressants for much longer - red meat has really helped my mood, as well as my energy.  I am going to give it a few more months, and if improvements continue, I am going to talk to my GP about getting off of Cymbalta.  Again, I am on the lowest possible dose, he didn't think I needed anything higher, and since eating beef more often I have felt a great change.  So maybe that's all I required?

There's a satanic meltdown going on in a group I won't name that my rosary coven and I have often prayed for.  Years ago, I had petitioned St. Benedict with tobacco offerings to disband this group, because I had known they were shady, and it's suddenly fallen apart.  I'm not going to say it's our hand that led to this conflict, I am sure many have been pissed at them, doing things like curses on this group and the like.  

I wish more people would get it - with Satan, it may seem at first like you're winning, but ultimately, you lose.  It's sad to see so many interesting minds turn to crap that just induces bad karma.  The world of spirituality is a strange place these days.  Good, creative people are becoming satanic, sacred traditions are corrupt, and new age hippies are guzzling piss.  Sigh.

-Saraƒin

Trying tobacco tea...

I finally figured out the meaning behind a spirit drawing of a bubbling beaker that I had been receiving for a while now.  I had thought it was referring to chemistry, perhaps a lab test or my personal brain chemistry... but today I contemplated on it being about potions... then I channeled that I was to try boiling pure tobacco leaf into a tea, consecrating it to Sekhmet, and sipping it for healing with prayer.  So I did.

It didn't taste quite as bad as I thought it would (I imagined the taste of licking an ash tray, as a brew) - this was just tobacco leaf, not the industry stuff laced with all the chemicals.  There was a mild burning sensation in my chest with each gulp, and I felt slightly gross in my belly after consuming it, so I chased it with a ginger ale and a peppermint tea, along with a beef hamburger.  Then I felt released from any potential nausea.

An hour or so later, waiting for my work shift to start, I started to feel really stoned.  I imagine this means the soul was feeling it, because tobacco doesn't normally demonstrate this sort of high (I know, I have been a cigarette smoker) - seriously, it was more powerful than CBD relaxation.  This lasted about an hour and a half, and I started to channel that some major healing of my poor nervous system might be underway.  We shall see.  (I am also getting not to consume any more of the leftover brew, but I am saving it in a jar in case it could be used for any other kind of healing I am called to do in the future.  The jar is shaped like a skull, which is kind of morbidly cute as tobacco can kill in the long term if it is abused.)

I'm guessing between heightened kundalini and the torture of possession my nervous system has been in great pain.  I guess I will get a better sense of things as I recover.  I fully accept, although perhaps somewhat bitterly, that all healing is up to me, and that psychiatry is completely full of shit, just as I have always said, at least in my case.  

Western medicine can be brilliant for the body, but western medicine is often complete crap for the mind and the soul, if you ask me.

-Saraƒin

Video: Tobacco...

I think I might still be suffering from some tobacco sickness, so today I prayed with the hair of the dog that bit me (tobacco itself) using a few inhales to try relieving myself of it.  I have learned it is very important to pray before using this plant spiritually, at least if you inhale it, which is something that normally should not be done at all, from what I understand.  I have noticed some successes doing this with a few inhales, for a few intentions, so I don't write it off as always irrelevant or dangerous.

I did this video because I use this plant a lot as an offering, and thought it was about time I discussed it.  Being a former cigarette smoker (still smoking CBD, for the time being, but not tobacco), I try to get the pure leaf ceremonial stuff, because I don't want that chemically laden crap in my apartment.  As I say in the video, tobacco has been both a demon and a healer to me, and in some ways a teacher too.

-Saraƒin

Video: Why we love Nancy Downs from 90s teen witch movie "The Craft"...

This video was kind of a fun idea that came to me - Nancy is certainly the deepest character in this movie.  ("The Craft" is loaded with flaws, but it's still one of my faves... if only the protagonist was as interesting as the antagonist.  As mentioned before, "The Craft: Legacy" was a major letdown, and made me angry, even though I didn't pay to watch it.)

I feel so much calmer these days, I suppose I am seeing the results of months and months of intensive healing work.  October was a great month, despite how uneventful Hallowe'en night was.  When I do clairvoyance, I often get a rainbow as a symbol, which suggests major 10 of Cups energy, as if to imply happy endings.  What a relief!  (If you had told me a decade ago that I would find peace from religious suffering, I wouldn't have believed you.  God is great... the gods and goddesses are great!)

-Saraƒin

Concerns over finding support through the kundalini ascension process...

Many nights I bed down with worries of living in a city as spiritually bankrupt as Toronto, especially considering that I have very little money or resources to support myself along the way as a kundalite.  The mental hospital has often been a poor person's refuge during times when I just couldn't take the madness of the city anymore, but it does not offer the validation, support, or specialists in the area of transformative psychology that I require to get what I need out of the experience... it has also been known to retraumatize me.  The Gerstein Centre, a downtown non-medical mental health crisis centre, can only be stayed in for a few days, and offers no real support for this experience either.  There are retreats, but they are often wishy washy, too expensive, or just plain inconvenient.  Convent guesthouses, thanks to the pandemic, are closed to the general public until further notice, and again, I don't have the money to keep pumping into a stay there.  So I sit in my one bedroom apartment and I contemplate, and I pray to the Divine that help come, that somehow, as I reach higher levels, as the mind changes, the planet will take care of my needs, that the rush and noise of the city not overwhelm the senses.  (Possibly being a person on the autism spectrum doesn't help with this either.)

Psychiatry refuses to validate that I am a kundalite (at least not officially, as a diagnosis) and will use patronizing language like "if that's what you want to call it, we can work with that" which is a hollow way of saying "I don't believe you, but I will humour you".  This is not the same as validation.  Without validation, there is a limit to how good I can feel about what I am dealing with, there is anxiety about reducing medication, even when it's appropriate, in the interest of psychospiritual development.  Again, I will praise my Jungian analyst, but he can't always be there for me, he's just a good resource I can turn to, and he certainly can't prescribe, or know what to do about meds.

Monastic life seemed to be the ideal at one time, but I can't take on the vows, and my spirituality is now too eclectic. Capitalism's effect on humanity, the pains of living downtown, and other sufferings around me can make me panic about being in the big city, and I wonder if I will have to relocate if I don't find the quietude I desire.  These days, I try to see myself a bit like the Oracle in "The Matrix" in some ways, a kind of unlikely (developing) wise woman in a downtown housing project, dispensing musings about what I observe to those who visit me... that might be my legacy as I grow older.  There just doesn't seem to be room for people like me, kundalites without monasteries, in this part of the world.

Channel suggests I will be provided for... I hope so.  Kundalini is a strange journey if your needs are not met, and I fear losing what I have established, after things crashed and burned for a while.  I must keep reminding myself that I am doing much better than I was in the past, that life, in many ways, is quite normal, even though it's very bohemian.  Hope is what I cling to... I can't afford to be a pessimist.

In the meantime, I will continue to try and live as simply as possible as the process unfolds.

-Saraƒin

Parliament of World Religions recording, and other updates...

I just watched the recording of our Parliament of World Religions panel on the Rosary Society, and I can't help but pick up some serious cable access, weird late night TV vibes, but it went well.  I will post a link to the recording once it is make public (I watched a private link of it just now).  Solomon the pug snores throughout the recording... if you listen closely, you might just catch him.

Looks like my prediction for October being a month about improvements came true - especially since Hallowe'en, I feel so at ease emotionally compared to where I have been.  I did a bit of magickal practice on the 31st, but did not end up going out later, because I had chipped my tooth on a piece of Hallowe'en candy and felt a little bit bummed about that.  I am not in pain, the dentist will help me tomorrow, but it was a bit shocking.  Not the greatest Hallowe'en, but not the worst either - some Hallowe'ens I've had were spent in hospital, which is much worse than just staying in and lighting some prayer candles.

I should perhaps write some more articles on here, instead of just doing video instalments, so give me time to come up with some good subject matter and I'll get to it.  I am trying to force myself to doodle again here and there to feel inspired to do visual arts, but it's weird how it doesn't come like it used to.  I was the kid who drew all the time - you couldn't stop me.  I hope it comes back, and I keep predicting it will, but it's been very slow.  It's as though, I have gotten somewhere with consciousness, and I am so fascinated with the process that I keep wishing to explore where it's taking me.  What was once the fight of my life, and later a complex journey of healing, now seems to be about refining and expanding out of where I've been.  Laugh if you will at some of the spiritual techniques I have used for self improvement, even the consecrated whisky seems to have made a difference.  

I am now more trusting and hopeful of my future.

-Saraƒin