Just another update...

Well, it looks like not only did my Mad Pride logo take off as a staple of the movement, a flag design I came up with also did.  It's basically pink and purple stripes, like the Cheshire Cat, a nod to the whimsical character who is often associated with madness.  (I had heard there was some debate over the true designer - I once hosted a site for coming up with a design where a few people and I contemplated ideas, and I guess the Cheshire Cat design won people over elsewhere.  So, I am claiming this, if there is any confusion in the Mad Pride movement over the design's origin.)

I will be going out of town again in August, back to the monastery, this time with a friend.  It was supposed to be two friends and I this time, but one had to bail for work reasons - we will miss their company, but it's understood.  There is something really neat about that place that keeps calling me back for retreats - I could go to that local convent I also like, which would be cheaper too, but I think it's the St. Therese relic that I want to keep visiting, and the power of the land where the falls lie, that makes it a richer experience.  I am also fascinated by Carmelite mystics, and I feel something powerful with St. Therese ever since calling to her.  She keeps coming to me as visions in the mind's eye when I contemplate, and a shaman I talk to sometimes saw in a journey he did for me, a small child with flowers, and I wonder if it had to do with The Little Flower herself.

I have observed character changes in me that have grown since my brief meltdown in March, and I suspect it has come of experimenting with the occult to try to redeem my mental health since then, while I took some time off.  I admit, a lot of it has been by consecrating alcoholic beverages to a handful of sources, but a couple in particular have either taken the edge off the weight I carry, or have strengthened my tone as a character.  I still have some slight anxiety here and there, but these are not full blown panic attacks, and something immediately will intervene through channel to calm me down, so I have a built in therapist, or perhaps these are the guides.  Confusion remains, but perhaps consistency is also happening with insight, so I am less afraid, and there is a growing feeling of love, and the reminder that love conquers hate.

Things are just eerie sometimes, if at all.  Mostly, it's just exhaustion and some anxiety I feel that can come and go.  I hope to get as much time out in nature as I can before the summer ends.

-Saraƒin

Realizing my needs...

One thing I have just concluded, contemplating my rough March, when I ended up back in hospital, is that there are probably certain things I must do to keep fit psychologically:

The first one, which became apparent once I got home from discharge, is that, rather like a shaman, I must have spiritual ritual, and plenty of it, to remain mentally well.  After I got out, I took time off work, and became more involved with practice during the downtime.  This allowed me to find some grounding by April, and the horrible evening panic attacks had been reduced to mild anxieties that were easily treatable by June.  I am convinced, whatever I am doing, that it's working, because the stress has lifted immensely.  But, I insist now that I have ritual in order to maintain this.

Secondly, I see that movement is important, in this case, a daily (or near daily) wander.  Wandering is great for exercise, but also for engagement with nature itself, and to allow my mind to process things.  Wandering has kept me strong throughout the year, and was important during the pandemic for my daily outing.  I even do it in the winter, it's made me heartier.

Lastly, I need my art.  The Medieval Show was refreshing to be involved in, to once again be featured in a gallery, after years of not feeling my muse.  She is creeping back, and I already have plans for a new painting I want to enter into a show to follow that is about monsters.  So I know that art is crucial as an expression that maintains my health, and I need it in some form, preferably painting, which feels therapeutic.

There are other little things, like cooking more for example, that help, but these specific things seem equally necessary.  I now realize how important the holistic approach is, seeing the results of living right.

-Saraƒin

Spiritual updates...

Things are definitely turning a corner.

Often, I feel reactions in my psyche, as though something burdensome is being shed, and what follows is a new normal that is more relaxed.  I chalk it up to the results of my practises with the occult and prayer, and waiting to see things play through.  I keep getting an insight that August might be a special month for me, perhaps a new plateau will be reached, and lately, I'm in far better a state than I felt even in May.

Sometimes I still sense something of Mother Mary coming through, aglow like a Boddhisattva surrounded by rainbows, laughing with me.  The tone has changed from any ugliness to one of release, and a calmer stage of that than ever before.  Gloom is gone, all that remains is some mild confusion sometimes, and a bit of fatigue.

Something recently happened with Jesus, as though I am becoming Him, which is the goal of Christianity. I'm not sure where that leads, but it's interesting what I'm feeling.  One thing for certain is that my mental health feels calmer, and I am not as nervous about my state.  I watch myself with everything I do, and am trying to be modest with my conduct.

It's as though I am still in an "in between" of sorts, but a finer version of that than I have seen before.

-Saraƒin