Bad downloads...

Being a channel can be very weird, and means you might even worry for your mental health.  Sometimes awkward, or even strange content can come through - as was my experience while waking up this morning.

It wasn't even that dark, but it didn't feel like that loving guidance I am used to at this point.  I started fretting a bit, worried that there was still something very wrong with my situation.  But after remembering advice from an elder, and thinking it through, I called for aid (I called to Jesus, in my case - others might call to another source), and at once the oddness was lifted.  Phew!

When channeling first began many years ago, it was mostly just sounds and a few words, like something was warming up in me.  It was quite shocking to find myself speaking automatically, as if animated by some hidden force... and with the dark spirit, it was really bizarre what could come out.  But with attunement and release, it got more interesting.  I found that both Gabriel and Metatron really helped with the quality of the information, and of course, connecting to Jesus was major for me.

I still feel like I have room to grow, I am not leaping to come off Latuda just yet, it doesn't seem to interfere with the ability to channel.  I have had ignorant doctors argue that my channeling gift was a psychotic symptom, but that's ridiculous - the medication doesn't cancel it out, and there's no mention of this experience in the DSM V under any psychotic disorder, so it was just skepticism suggesting that.  I really wish there was a section in the DSM for parapsychology, one that would be respectful... perhaps that is coming someday.  Channeling has been strange from time to time, but it's mostly brought me great joy, guidance, and meaning.  It's like these gifts are perfectly acceptable in metaphysical bookshops, spirituality circles, religion (sometimes)... but doctors want to treat it like it's a terrible thing.  This is why I can't ask for help anymore, at least not from mainstream psychiatric medicine.  The quantum sciences are now suggesting ideas like death is an illusion, and that the universe is intelligent, but psychiatry seems to want to stay in the dark ages with its ideas.  With that in mind, how can anyone with alternative mental health rely on the current system for help?  People simply won't ask for assistance, for fear of getting formed if they talk too much about guides and angels.

I still do download videos sometimes, I just did three new ones, which are on my Instagram.  Old ones felt just too awkward as a format to hold onto, so I got rid of them.  Again, these are just for fun, to demonstrate something interesting, and to see how far I've come.

-Saraƒin

A little DIY modified shirt project...

I went thrifting again yesterday, after getting back to Toronto.  One of my finds from the haul was this torn and woven tank top that I decided I was going to modify.  So, today I went to Kensington Market and found this heart patch to iron onto it.

Walking home, it came to me to embroider, punk style, the words "Sacred Heart" beneath the heart.  Initially, I was going to embroider the letters in white, but I was out of white embroidery thread, so I chose to do it in red instead.  I'm glad I did - it gives it an almost scarification style look.  The result works for both "Catholic Goth" and "Catholic Punk" aesthetics.  It's been a while since I've done needlework, but it doesn't take a genius to do this kind of lettering.

If I only had a sewing machine, a better setup, and a wee bit more skill under my belt - I might start a DIY / modified thrift find indie label.  But for now, this kind of stuff is just for friends and I.

-Saraƒin

UPDATE:  I took these photos of an outfit I threw together using the shirt, after adding some safety pins:

I'm back from the monastery...

I had a lovely time on my retreat at Mount Carmel Niagara monastery.  My close friend and fellow mystic joined me this time.  My last visit was with another friend, initially we wanted that trip in 2023 to be the three of us, but the friend who went this time had to bail due to her job.  This year, she was free, so we spent two nights enjoying the grounds, doing litanies and Psalms in the graveyard, trying the wine (I treated myself, saying I would indulge just for this trip), enjoying the food, walking the labyrinth, and even seeing the falls. 

One thing I didn't realize is that the TV in the library had Netflix, so we watched a few things, including "The Pope's Exorcist" (a fun little piece of Catholic horror - recommended!), "Mary" (with Anthony Hopkins, we enjoyed it), and some episodes of a documentary series about Catholic relics.  Speaking of relics, I once again touched the St. Therese relic and said more prayers, as did my friend.  We are both convinced the place is "haunted" by friendly spirits, the kind of spiritual company that you would want around.  I bought a large Catholic medal with the Divine Mercy image of Christ on one side, and the miracle scene from Fatima on the other.  My friend bought us both Mount Carmel Niagara monastery brand wine glasses as souvenirs.  It was all over and done with far too quickly, but we had a lovely time, and expect to return.  (We might try a monastery in Quebec next, we're contemplating that, too.)

August is days away from ending, and I am feeling a touch of the end of summer blues.  Days are already getting a bit shorter, evenings are a bit chillier, and soon it will be cardigan season.  Thank God I have October to look forward to, or I'd be a wee bit miserable - it's November that's a drag, but nothing is as depressing as January and February, if the weather is terrible.  At least December means holiday fun, in my case.

This has been quite a healing summer though, I have to say.  July was especially strong for certain changes.  Another premonition I had was that something would be even better by December.  Here's hoping!

-Saraƒin

Meghan...

I keep getting the name "Meghan" through channel a lot, as though someone by that name is a guide who observes me and is offering advice.  This began a little under a year ago, and keeps getting stronger.  I don't know much about her just yet, other than she might be a spirit who took an interest in coming through to provide information, and my connection to her is getting stronger.  My father is another spirit who I sense around me from time to time... I don't sense Meghan the way I sense my father, I just channel that she's there to guide.  Interesting.  (Again, I don't perceive spirits by "seeing" or "hearing" them, like a visual or auditory thing, it's a sense of presence, and the download of information that they are coming through.) Angels feel powerful too, directing my attention to various things for study, helping me to avoid self-injury, providing comfort through my recovery.

Speaking of self-injury, I haven't engaged in any level of it in over a year.  In recent years, it's just been light smacking out of frustration, nothing that bad, no bruising... I might have defeated it.  I'm also not as self-deprecating, although I have moments when I doubt myself out of frustration, I guess we all do sometimes.

I must admit, I feel very little for most things these days, it's really just the nice little things that I admire the most.  Perhaps this comes from a life where I don't get to enjoy much because of my budget, so I appreciate what I can and have trained myself to navigate the world with gratitude for the calm that has entered my life, after decades of chaos.  I decided to set out and prove that a life can be well lived, even on a low budget like mine.  Personal style and art help with this, I call myself a bohemian because of the way I live.

It would be great if I didn't have to rely on the big city - I don't drive, so it would be difficult if I moved to the country, I have a life here and I must live it.  Things are stable, so I am grateful for that.  It's just so noisy, and I have to seek green space while the weather is still warm to observe any degree of nature I can find in Toronto.  I hear sirens and construction throughout the day, which I have to drown out with Spotify... a bit of silence would be nice.  

My retreat is next week, so that will be nice for a couple of nights.

-Saraƒin

Opening to God...

Just some musings I had about opening to God as a seeker:

One of the hardest sources to open to for me was Jesus, and I think I know why now.  When I had the dark entity affecting me directly, something might have been blocking me from easily invoking Christ.  It was through St. Jude that I got anywhere, and I really had to plead.  I have discussed this before, but I discovered that spiritual invocations can lead to other connections, and through a kind of experimental prayer based networking, I was able to invoke beyond Christian sources.

Something answered me back in 2006, when I was desperate to change my life, and sensed danger.  I think I needed to take my life more seriously for anything to answer my cries.  Until that time, up until the age of 24, I used to tell myself that I would be dead by 25.  I chain smoked, was self-destructive, and believed my life meant nothing.  After a suicide happened among people I knew, something clicked in me to take charge, that's when I felt called to focus on my soul.  Only then did wheels turn, although events did get really bizarre.  I was tested, but now I feel perhaps all was worth it, I am stronger emotionally, as a result.

I think God pays attention when we confront ourselves.  In my case, I had to put down the razor blades, and take command of my life.  A criminal who has committed serious offences and got away with it might have to turn themselves in, a sinner must prove themselves to Heaven by turning over a new leaf with literal good deeds, not just empty promises.  Commitment impresses God, so one must follow through with anything expected of them.

I must sound like such a strange "God lady" saying all of this, but it comes from my struggle.  A world abandoned me because of my pain... Heaven helped me get out of it, I can't help but feel thankful, but also a little bit obsessed.  Toronto is not the city to go through this, though - people here just don't get it, finding this stuff old fashioned.  I'm not even that churchy, but I am extremely mystical.  I love graveyards, monasteries, cathedrals, relics, sacred sites.  Toronto does not have enough of this kind of thing... at least, our culture isn't as enthused about it.

Perhaps others see me as someone wasting my life, but I do feel happier concentrating on my soul.  I have found friends like me, these are the people who have brought great wealth into my life.

-Saraƒin

Waving a new pride flag?

Lately, I've been wondering if I should start identifying as aromantic, as well as asexual.  I used to just call myself a heteroromantic asexual, but with no new crushes in decades, I'm thinking that my orientation might be changing again.

Maybe there's still something there, I still see men as the more attractive gender, but I just don't see anyone I find attractive anymore to the point of having a crush, and I don't want to bother looking.  Maybe it's too much trauma, maybe it's the dehumanization from the mental health care system, weird lessons about how my interpretation of myself didn't matter.  Maybe it's the kundalini working on me.  Whatever the reason, I just want men as friends now, or that they leave me alone entirely. 

I feel like my veil takes on a very powerful symbolic meaning.  As mentioned before, I thought about becoming a nun, my friendship with God was so powerful, I wanted to marry Him.  But He said I'd make a terrible nun, so I laughed and bought the latex nun habit to be that terrible nun, as a joke.  That latex habit is now on its last legs, but I veil daily now with a fabric one, for several reasons, but also to show my devotion to God in thanks for all He has done for me, for help in solving life's problems.  He's been a better provider than any other masculine I have ever known, and I don't think a male partner could compete with what I have with God.  It's not a romantic thing I have with God, but He's definitely my partner in crime.  I am not sure what a real nun would make of my life with Him, with all the witchiness I've been up to, with my fight with the negative spirit, I would just hope that they would get that I am sincere with my story.

Life is not that bad right now.  I just live in fear of being seen as irrelevant, my art career is very unsatisfying, I am not sure people liked it when I cancelled the old interpretation of myself with this blog, I worry the traffic viewing this blog is mostly gawkers, watching a spectacle unfold while I pour my heart out.  I fear the web because of a history of bullying and oppression, I am not sure what my image suggests, other than difference and rebellion.  I wonder if people were upset that I could not follow through on that schizophrenia narrative with the comic, discrediting the diagnosis, it worries me that I offended many with my twist... I certainly don't get much fan mail anymore.  Unsure with how to proceed with my image, all I can think to do is defend my situation with the strange truth, and hope that people who believe in paranormal and religious experiences might discover me, and have sympathy for how boring this all is.  What does the mental health world make of me?  Perhaps I look like a train wreck because I don't make a very good poster child for anything they could admire.  But I was never what they initially thought I was, I just had to fight my battle with strangeness, win, and then convince the system to back off.  But the horse is out of the gates, and the art world will make of me whatever it wants.

The alcohol abstinence continues - I just had one regular Corona last week when a friend had already bought it for me, everything else has been non-alcoholic.  It's possible I'll share a bottle of wine when I am at the monastery with my mystic friend later this month, but the new normal continues, and I feel much better.

-Saraƒin

Tears over the loss of my mother's former home...

I am heartbroken over some images my mother recently showed me of the property where her former home and bed & breakfast once stood.  In the Jordan Village region of Ontario, this quaint and adorable little house stood since the late 1800s, but was lost to a massive fire under new ownership.  My mother lived there and ran her business between the years of 2001 and 2007.

What's chilling is that this was not the first time a fire scare had happened there.  My mother told me about how one night, her cat Annabelle heroically woke her up to warn her that there was a fire in the basement.  Fortunately, the fire department was able to take care of it at the time, nothing was lost, Annabelle had saved Mom's life, and the house.  But I guess the problem came back in recent times, and without anyone at home, the little house was engulfed in flames.  Now it sits, an empty lot, with just the cottage that was next to it remaining.

I had lived there briefly with Mom while I was in-between housing.  I have strange memories of the dark entity approaching me in my bedroom there, for the first time, calling itself "The Devil".  I also had a vision of Pope John Paul II warning me about the devil, among other strange happenings, it was so maddening and surreal.  There were both good and bad memories from those days, my mother lived there on her own after splitting up with my Dad.  My childhood Siberian Husky was buried in the backyard, under a tree - now, we worry that any new structure put up on the land might mean that dear Sacha the husky dog might be dug up, her grave defiled.

It's a heartbreatking story - I really feel terrible for the owner who lost everything to this fire.  I keep thinking back to my memories of it, of how strange everything got spiritually while I was there.  

I hope it wasn't cursed by evil forces to burn down.  There are a lot of strange problems on the main street of Jordan Village, it has the drama level of an episode of Passions.

-Saraƒin

Principles for a Christian-based magickal practice...

Expanding on my recent articles about what I learned from practising magick after years of my mystical experiences, I wanted to suggest other principles for an alternative, Christian-based approach, one that allows the magician to work with Jesus to achieve their magickal goals:

- Only become the magician if Jesus allows it.  Do the groundwork as a Christian - make sure you do all necessary prayers and practises for baptism, confirmation, become born again, and commit yourself to Him in any way you need to commit.  When I discovered I had the potential, I surrendered my magickal will to Jesus, so that my ego did not command what I wanted.  Rather, my will became Heaven's will, so I could only create reactions Heaven desires to see in the world.  The result of the attunement process is a magickal practice where everything is done in the name of Jesus, so I am free from experiencing backlash, which is what is warned about in religions like Wicca.  Now, I am free to explore and experiment without worry, because I have attuned to a point where I am allowed to do so, only Heaven decides what will work.

- Angels like Metatron are only advised for those who have led lives that are pure.  If you are not presenting well to God, you might be scolded by Metatron, so do all necessary work with God before trying to work with an angel like this.  Not all are meant to work with seraphim, Metatron is accused of being dark, but in reality, he is tough.  I work with him because I needed him, he works well with me because I did the necessary work.  Invoking Metatron through Jesus is one way you might know him in a way that is grounded and healthy.  People who work with the devil should stay away from Archangel Metatron.

- The Virgin Mary is an excellent doorway to the natural world, and can help you attune to the Earth Mother.  If you had a rough awakening, She can help to ground it.  She wants to see you at your finest, work with Her often to polish your heart, and refine all qualities.  Both Jesus and Mary might present you with doorways to other, non-Christian sources that might work well for you, if and when you're ready and right for it.  For example, Sekhmet came into my life after much groundwork with Jesus and Mary.  Sekhmet is now the main deity behind most of my magick that is effective on worldly things, other than the times I turn to Christian (or other non-Christian) sources.

- Not everyone is meant to be a magician, witch, or whatever you want to call it.  If you open doors that you have not earned and they seem bizarre, you might be under the effects of evil forces, so it's wise to be grounded.  I recommend you approach magick with the will of the Heavens, and do the necessary mystical groundwork before you play with any magick.  Magick should only be done if you deserve it - if Jesus allows it, go right ahead.  Don't be afraid to bend the rules of conventional Christianity a little bit, in the name of Christ.

- Seek the saints that seem the strongest with you, despite what their patronage is.  One of my strongest is St. Anthony, even for things like healing.  One might think St. Raphael would be superior for healing, but for whatever reason, St. Anthony is stronger with me for most things.  When you find a saint that is strong with you, keep turning to them, like an old friend.  It just makes your connection stronger.

- Do make offerings often, because it builds a relationship with the Heavens.  Offerings demonstrate a devotional piece that humbles you to the Heavens, helping to build that connection.  I tend to use tobacco, holy water, candles, and incense, preferring things that will burn up or evaporate.  In the park, I offer tobacco to the earth, because local wildlife can use it for things like nests.  Try not to make offerings to the earth that would be considered littering, it's just not appropriate.

- Consider the Psalms an excellent source of incants for magick.  I have an Anna Riva book called "Powers of the Psalms", which has an index in the back, to know what Psalms are good for your specific intentions.  That book has advice for spells, but mostly I use them as prayers with my offerings.  I also find Catholic litanies to be great for invoking a specific saint or angel for a desired outcome.  Friends and I often get together and recite litanies and Psalms in folk magick rituals, we often feel spiritual highs while reciting them.

- On that note, you may get the sense a spell is working if you feel a rush or tingle up your spine during or after your practice.  It may be an indicator Heaven is showing you to tell you that something is answered.  Practice often, and your power will strengthen.

- When starting off, if in doubt about what you are doing, surrender everything to Jesus, to test your practice.  It's good to do this as a safety measure every so often, just to make sure you're grounded.  Remember to live a virtuous life that would please Him, don't exploit others or behave in any way that would upset heavenly forces you are working with.  Depending on who you invoked to work with, bad behaviour could be dangerous.

I think that's it for now again, I'm sure there's more to come.  I spent several years trying to just be Christian, but it seemed I was called, in the end, to take on more.  Spirituality can be scary sometimes, remember to treat it like an adventure, and never give up.

-Saraƒin

Yoga...

I'm pretty sure that the heart centring that recently happened when I was in the park was a breakthrough in development, where the Mother met with the Father in my heart.  Downloads became a bit cleaner, my mind feels calmer overall, and there's just so much more hope to what I feel about life.  Though I don't follow any particular tradition, apart from collecting wisdom from various sources while praying mostly to Christ, this is a form of yoga.

My body is not much to look at, because I only do light exercise, but I am a body builder of the soul.  From dawn until dusk, even during downtime at work, I'm at it, contemplating, praying, using divination tools to engage and sort out the mind... I am determined to reach that inner peace we all long for.  I have become obsessively rigorous about my spiritual dedication since my father's passing in 2017, because I had reason to believe there was cleaning up to do with the entity, and so the soul became my priority.  This has not only gotten me somewhere with my mind and how I feel about life, it has taught me to be better with money - esotericism doesn't have to cost that much, and so I am at the point where although I make peanuts between part-time work and ODSP, I can still put $200 away every month into my TFSA, and avoid debt entirely.  I have gotten more into investing.  Someday I will take a trip again, now that I have saved money.  As mentioned before, one way of making money is to not spend it at all.

Recently, I found out that the kundalini yoga group I was taking classes under is pretty problematic, at least Yogi Bhajan was.  Allegations of rape and abuse from female members, yikes - I had no idea it was culty like that.  I was just taking classes, trying to sort out my awakening.  Though good exercise, I found kundalini yoga to be uneventful for the soul, not much changed - it was a personal path of prayer and devotion that led to any real change in me.  Maybe kundalini yoga helps many, but for me, it was just a workout, and Breath of Fire made me feel dizzy.  Anyway, I was very sad to hear about how that particular group was led by a negative character, because I met lovely people who were running the Toronto chapter.

I have a bit of a pet peeve with doctors about recommending yoga classes for mental health, if they don't know what kundalini is.  Western yoga is basically a form of cultural appropriation, so when a kundalini awakening happens, no one seems to know what to do with it, because the experience can severely uproot a person's life, forcing them to simplify everything to ground the mind, and get their lifestyle in order.  Without that cultural understanding of the process, I can't help but feel it's irresponsible for most doctors to weigh in about it, unless they know what they're talking about.  While most practising western yoga will likely just get a good workout, it's the ones who enter into the process that are up shit creek without a paddle, when no one knows what to do.  I feel the mental health care system has a responsibility to be more informed about this, to know how to support it, but unfortunately, this part of the world is not there yet.  In my case, I had to find my inner warrior archetype to solve my own problems, and stand up to medical nonsense.

A lot has changed since I started this blog - I have glanced back at old articles, where I was much less grounded, my tone angrier.  I don't read everything, but I know I might have still been infected by something awful.  That time is over, my anger lifted, some sorrow remained, but now seems to be fading as well.  It's clear that I am healing, and this became about recording that process.  I don't know about the future of this writing, but for now I will keep describing my breakthroughs and art projects.

-Saraƒin