Friday, 31 May 2019

Catholic Goth/Punk collars!

Yesterday I was in a goth clothing store (perhaps the last independent one of its kind in Toronto that I know of) and I came across a lacy collar with an ornate heart with a cross on it.  Thinking that a Memento Mori inspired goth/punk look with Catholic goods might be fun to try as a style, I considered buying it, but the price tag for the item was a wee bit insane.  I found it online for a substantially lower price, but later decided I could probably come up with something equally cool with a punk collar from a cheaper store, and some of the stuff I already have kicking around my apartment.

I went to a shop today in Kensington Market that sells inexpensive punk gear and accessories, and bought two collars.  The first came like this:

Just a simple studded collar with a plain silver cross hanging from it.   A mere $10, I snatched it up.  But there was another collar there I liked too, one with loops and chains hanging from it, and it was only $12.  Having several saint medals at home on a chain, along with a cross with the face of Jesus on it that I haven't worn yet, I broke out the pliers and began augmenting it until I came up with this:

It's pretty badass looking now!  I might wear it out tonight for a dance club event.  :)


Thursday, 23 May 2019

Something glorious this way comes...

There's a beautiful spiritual presence around me, since yesterday, that came in while some friends were over watching 'Novitiate' with me (my third time watching this lovely film about a young nun during the era of Vatican II).  I have some suspicions of who/what it is, but I think it's best I not reveal too much on here about this, in case I am wrong, for fear of being incorrect.  One friend, who is very aware of the presence of spirits (and who even sensed at the same time I did when my Dad was visiting yesterday, without me telling her at first what I was picking up) could also sense this glowy, dreamy soul.  My channeling is much less accurate than I want it to be, so I can't exactly grasp everything that is going on, but I certainly sense in other ways.  This is kind of a radiant, soft glow - like a loving warmth.  One of the loveliest feelings in recent times has been having this presence around.  What a nice change of pace from being attacked by a demon!

Apologies for all the times ahead where I will likely have to correct what is truthful from what isn't through channeling - I am still not completely clear, though likely much clearer than I used to be.  Sometimes information comes through that sounds interesting and wise, but is later corrected with something else that sounds more likely.  This is kind of like peeling back the layers of an onion, trying to get to the heart of the truth.  That's why my blog is a documentation of my progress, so I can go back on here in time and say - ok, that was correct, that wasn't, and look at how far I have come.  Already, I feel more goodness and light in my life than ever before, despite what I have been through, and what's been through me.  The "darkness" within is tame, and lifting.

(BTW, I want to point out, if it's not already obvious, that "Sister Penance" is not a parody of real nuns at all (whom I greatly respect, and am not trying to disrespect on any level) - she is a parody of silly blasphemous fetish nuns.  There is a degree of mockery of right wing church politics that rub me the wrong way as well, but mostly she is a clown who is also a sincere devotee and mystic.  I also want to state, on the flip side, that I am kink positive, so it's not like I am throwing that group under the bus either.)

I am looking forward to the month of July, which I hear is bound to be glorious.  Makes me wonder what is to come of my convent stay, which falls on the first weekend of that month.


Wednesday, 22 May 2019

"Bobby vs Satan" - Kids in the Hall skit...

"Bobby vs Satan"

'Kids in the Hall' is one of my favourite comedy troupes of all time.  One of my friends in the comic scene is in a punk band with Scott Thompson, whom I have met personally (Scott is a sweetie).

This is one of my faves from the old era of 'KITH', and now it's even funnier for me, because of what I have been through.  The irony, at least with my demon is that it hated modern music - much preferring Mozart, and stuff like that.  (He was very classy, but also repulsive.)  So metalheads have evil ass backwards, in that respect anyway.  I fought my demon with gay pop anthems and disco, mostly - not as edgy as Bobby here, but loaded with irony, at least.


Spiritual murkiness, and some potential past life stuff...

So THAT'S why Cid Highwind was my fave from FF7!
So I'm suspecting now, as this negative field weakens, that it isn't of the demon directly, like a dead energy in me, but instead something the demon generated in me from spiritual abuse that remains.  The demon is dead, I guess I killed it in October of 2018, but now I am trying to eradicate the little present it left for me, which muddles my channeling, making it hard for me to see with my heart centre.  Yet again, I must state the obvious: I am not clear yet, so this information is of course likely to change as further truths come forward.  This is a process of growth, clearing, and realization, not the end result.

I have realized some of the ritualistic things I had done while under the influence of this may have had an effect that led to this, so undoing this with prayer might turn it around.  Smudge doesn't seem to completely eradicate it, at least not with what I have in my inventory, and I have several plants and resins.  It's a kind of "cloud" of extremely strange energy in my chest that makes life more difficult - I feel tired a lot, it's hard to motivate myself to do things like exercise, it causes heavy breathing and sensations in my chest that my doctors can't find a physical cause for, it makes using psychic skills a hit or miss scenario where some readings are spot on and others are quite murky.  Also, trying to converse with ancestors, and that teacher friend who recently passed on, has been less successful than I would like it to be.  (Mostly, I can sense when they are around.)  But I'm sure, and am reassured time and time again from the Spirit, that this is temporary, so I'm sure one day I will be able to do at least some of what I am attempting to do.

Looks like the notion that I am only on my first life is horseshit, as one came through recently that might be correct.  I got information stating that I might have been an American flyboy from the WW1 era, a funny personality, intelligent.  My first name might have been Gary.  Not sure about this yet, but it sounds like I was an interesting man, if this is true!  It would explain my love of planes and airshows, my brief desire to become an air cadet, my fascination with pilots as characters and heroic figures while growing up, and why I was compelled to buy a leather pilot helm one time, for some reason.  lol

I am just going to type this right now, here, in case it actually occurs later, so I can say I had an accurate premonition - there is a chance I might have some kind of encounter with Jesus in July at some point, where I see an apparition of him and he explains things to me.  I don't know if this is true, but it's worth noting this information now in case anything like this in fact happens.  Then I can say I called it!

BTW, the next convent retreat is all booked for the summer - two friends are going with me, rather than three (one had to bail).  I hope I am not too annoying for my friends, because I am sure I will be wandering off a lot to be alone for contemplation and reflection.  This might be the only time I go there with others... generally I like to be by myself for this kind of thing, alone with the Spirit, to work on myself.


Saturday, 18 May 2019

Looks like my friend is crossing over completely now...

An update on my communication with the old friend of mine: he seems to be transitioning from the in-between plane to the next world, so communication is getting a bit odd.  It's kind of broken, so I now must rely on the Spirit to translate what is being conveyed.  Emotions like laughter still come through, but wording is funny now.  He has returned several times for conversation, has been doing the rounds seeing people, and though it's likely he can't converse in the same way for long, I get the impression that, like my Dad, I will still be able to talk in some way with him, through the Spirit, in the next world, where he may relay what he is trying to say.  This happened with my Dad as well - it was upsetting at first, feeling like a second death, but it wasn't the end... just a transition.  Later, Dad came through in another way.

So my friend isn't making as much sense directly now, but with the aid of the Spirit, I can roughly translate what is trying to come through.  Phew!


Friday, 17 May 2019

Reacting to religious icons...

One of the things I have discussed a bit on here, to some degree, is my occasional reaction to religious iconography, depending on whom it is portraying.  Though this kind of thing also happens in more Protestant environments, it is very strong in Catholic ones, hence my draw to this religion.  Anglicanism, the go between, just seems like Protestantism in drag to me... it's not quite the same with their icons.  I like the Anglican church a bit more politically, but the faith isn't moving me the same way.

I was in church recently, as I often am, at the cathedral I like to go to, and my head suddenly drew the shape of the cross, then lurched to the corner where a statue of St. Anthony of Padua stood.  (He was a saint I have prayed to for help with my struggles.)  Discreetly, this being a Catholic environment, I whipped out my tarot cards and, on the pew, did a reading on his message to me.  It was a general congratulatory message, as well as some information I am not going to reveal on here, but also that he is watching over me.  This kind of thing has also happened in the same church with the St. Therese of Lisieux statue - her message was that she is amused by me, likes my playfulness, and that my soul is fine and watched over by her as well.  She was not one I even officially prayed to at first, but I guess because I frequent that environment there was some kind of response - I am not entirely sure how this works with icons.

The Virgin Mary and Christ are the other two whom I get strong reactions from - I have conversations through channel, relayed through the Spirit, of what they wish to say to me.  It's very powerful, and makes going to church much more fun than it is for most people, I guess, who don't get it.  (There was a time when I was sitting under a Virgin Mary statue, in a more politically progressive Catholic church, and the message from Mary was "Welcome home... you will find this church to be the best in the city to suit your views.")

I went to another church I hadn't been to before, a Portuguese Catholic one with the relic of a saint in it - it felt powerful in there, but I couldn't stay as I had an event to get to.  I wish to return to see what comes of it.  Unfortunately it is not a church that is open all the time, like the one I frequent.


The old friend returned...

My ex-teacher returned again, briefly this time - I get the sense he will return a few times before crossing over completely.  The first time he came by, we hung out and laughed as I used tarot cards and automatic writing as tools to help with deciphering our communication - some of what comes out of channel is still wonky, due to the fact that I have mild interference, so it's like a ballpark understanding of what he is saying, coming through my voice as a kind of channel - it makes him laugh through me how it presents sometimes.  Emotions are relayed through feeling - if he's anxious, I sense it in my body as though it's my own emotion, humour is easily translated as a laughter response in my body.  But he says he is having a blast as a ghost - he will cross over completely in a few weeks, completing this stage.  Perhaps not all of this information is perfectly accurate, but it's the general understanding I have while this interference remains that makes things a bit complicated.

There seems to be a limitation to how most spirits can communicate with the living, unless the living are opening up to them and they are around, or if the living are spiritually attuned.  With this understanding in mind, I began praying for my friend to have the ability, through the Spirit, to relay what he needs others to know while he's between worlds.  I hope it worked... I'm sure others could greatly benefit from an encounter like this from him.  He was a real character, a true humanitarian whom many loved.


Wednesday, 15 May 2019

Another spiritual visitation from an old friend...

Just yesterday, I heard that an old friend and former teacher of mine (my favourite teacher from high school, as a matter of fact) had passed on recently.  He was a kind of a loveable curmudgeon, I hadn't talked to him in years because of a case of estrangement, but he was still dear to my heart as I remembered him.  It came as a shock, having not resolved our disconnect - I didn't cry, knowing the spirit lives on, but it stunned me.  Not knowing what else to do, I prayed to the Spirit that he know I wanted to say hello, and to relay some information, and within an hour, his soul seemed to be in communication!

Within a couple more hours, it was as though he was about me, and the communication was stronger.  Now, he is with me, visiting in my apartment, and we are catching up where we left off.  An atheist in life, he is relieved that he lives on as a soul in the afterlife - he is between the worlds right now, in his Bardo stage.  He tells me that crossing over was easy for him, I was happy to hear this. 

I get the impression that we may remain in contact, even after he crosses over completely, in some way, because he is interested in staying in touch this way.  Glad I have the "medium gene"!  He was a wonderful guy, and I will miss him terribly, as I am sure many will.  <3

I will likely update on this, as it develops.


Monday, 13 May 2019

The necessity for madness...

I often wonder how peculiar I appear to others who actually take the time to read this blog.  Perhaps I seem madder than I did even on the other blog, in some ways, to some thinkers, because of my presentation, because of the ideas I throw around, ideas not commonly discussed except in spiritual lore that might seem too out there to be true.  Perhaps I seemed saner, in a way, when I "owned" madness as my identity, rather than disputing it while wearing a latex nun habit and claiming to have fought a demon.

In some ways, I still "own" the idea of having been mad in some way, but what I want to make clear is that I now feel it was a necessary form of madness, it was madness with a purpose, and not disease.  What I understand now about forms of psychospiritual transformation is that it probably always requires a degree of lunacy or psychic transformation to amount to a finer state of consciousness, to break down what was and reshape it in some way, for betterment.  Enough paths have described some form of complex restructuring of the mind - in the initiations of traditional medicine people, this is a kind of destruction and restructuring phase, in Christian spirituality, it might be a kind of dark night of the soul scenario.  There are many ways it can present, depending on one's path.

What I feel I am going through now is a phase where I am changing from my awkward "madness" stage to the stage of a more refined version of myself.  With this might come some misconceptions of what I have been through, that I feel will be cleared up as time goes on.  I am at a point where I function not only better than I ever have before, despite some quirkiness to perhaps some of what I perceive, but perhaps even better than most around me who have never been considered mentally ill.  I seem to handle stress and difficulty with ease, I bounce back easily from unpleasant states and experiences, and I look at the world with hope, even in the face of destruction.  I seem to instinctually have a sense of what is right and wrong for myself that was lacking in the past.

I am getting the sense that the world truly is illusion, as Toltec spirituality, Buddhism, and other religions have suggested, and as certain modern sciences are now proving.  I see the world as a manifestation of another dimensional reality, which is the true reality, generating this illusion, which is a kind of a dream, so as to grow the Spirit, kind of like a garden of sorts, where we grow as souls through experience.  I am getting fascinating insights into this through my Akashic records readings, including the suggestion that all planets have life, but perhaps on other planes of existence that we can't observe with the technology of our dimensional reality, and beyond our understanding, in sciences, of how life can present.  It's pretty out there stuff, but not of madness... certainly, more "shamanic" communities have implied these kinds of things throughout human history.

I consider overthinking one of the greatest poisons of this time, which I have discussed in the past a little.  Trapped in the mind, humans obsess, overanalyze, have deep anxiety, and go about things in a material fashion that depletes the planet of her resources.  Minds are beginning to break down and show signs of "mental illness", which is on the rise everywhere... they say 1 in 4 Canadians will present with a disorder of some sort in their lifetime.  But perhaps this is a transformation of how we relate to the world around us, and the psychiatric angle, as is, is missing the greater picture.  This is not to suggest that it is always bad to take medications, but that medicalizing this kind of suffering as disease may be a poor approach in the long run when it comes to treatment and understanding.  My so-called madness shaped me into a stronger, more adaptable person with more interesting ideas, so I refuse to see it as mere disease.  My mind broke, but it was also ultimately restructured through my practice, and though I don't think like the average person anymore, I have a finer mind now than I used to. 

Perhaps madness, in fact, is a sign of evolution in mankind, and not decay.


Monday, 6 May 2019

How I "see"...

In 2006, when I first had my overwhelming desire as a seeker to open to psychic insight, I attempted to do so by smoking copious amounts of marijuana while concentrating on my third eye region.  As a result, I had a disturbing reaction where I was flooded with dark imagery and a sense of dread.  I am beginning to suspect that the reason for this was because the demon was the one who opened it, and so that is why I felt like I was going mad.

It has since come to my attention, from studies of mystical accounts and chats with serious seekers, that the idea of the third eye being the most powerful centre of psychic insight is not just bogus, but also rather dangerous to assume.  An Indian fellow I met at a meditation group told me it is tantamount to prying open the Eye of Shiva, the Destroyer, which can cause lunacy if done prematurely, or incorrectly.  Having survived my third eye opening from hell, which was probably demonically influenced, and something that certainly led to a kind of madness that no one should experience, I can tell you that the centre that really brought me insights was not the third eye (or Ajna) but instead the heart (or Anahata).  When this centre opened, it was with Christ, and overtime it brought more profound, powerful messages, experiences, and the stillness I so richly required in order to level out.

In Evelyn Underhill's "Mysticism: A Study in the Nature and Development of Spiritual Consciousness" (a fantastic read for any seeker), there is an emphasis on heart centric spiritual opening, something that I think is a bit lost on certain kinds of seekers, including people in the LHP (left hand path) crowd.  When the heart is open, it is of course something that leads to greater compassion, but also a knowing, and a wisdom, that was lacking beforehand.  One truly gets a sense of what they speak of, there is a confidence and power to one's wording and conduct.  I have grown into a more heart centred human being, so I am not trapped in my mind anymore when I think.  I actually think less... this is not to say that I am not a thinker, that I do not contemplate, but there is less rumination and drive to keep my mind occupied.  Stillness will do just fine, and breeds more sophisticated ideas.  I do not "see" with my third eye... I perceive my insights with the heart.

The way I perceive what is seen is through what I have been calling "vocal channeling", but also with "spirit writing"... I simply concentrate on the question, and observe what comes out.  It is as second nature now as using any other mental function, but it's coming from a level in which I have to "tune in", which I can do with ease.  I do have control over what comes out - it is not like I don't.

There is a degree of "blockage" from having battled my demon, which resided in the heart centre, which remains, but is not what it was.  This makes some information murky, incomplete, or sometimes flat out wrong, but I find that with practice and prayer, this problem is being alleviated.  Reiki on my heart centre would cause interesting reactions - I often convulsed, talked in tongues, or made strange postures when this centre was tackled.  Transforming what remains seems to be the answer, so I keep praying, every day, to move it along.  Knowing where I have been, being reassured by the Spirit as to where I am going, I am convinced this issue will be a thing of the past, but spiritual outcomes can take time to fully manifest, so I must be patient.

I feel a stillness in my soul, overall, that I long for my mind to catch up with.  I am still convinced the day will come that I may leave the Latuda pills behind.


Thursday, 2 May 2019

Fitting in...

It can be very hard to find a likeminded "coven" with the way I go about my spirituality - certainly, I have found a circle of interesting seekers to discuss spirituality with, ranging from left leaning, pro LGBTQ+ Christians, to equally progressive Muslims, to non-denominational spiritualists on a path of their own.  We have fascinating conversations, consult the tarot, recommend books to one another.  And yet, it's hard to find many who comprehend the specific practice I engage in, a practice I am discovering as I go along and experiment.  I am hoping to discover some kind of "Christian Witch" community in Toronto, but so far I am coming up empty handed.  Salem, Massachusetts, has a movement going on that I have heard of, but I don't know much about this kind of thing in T-Dot.

(I don't truly identify as a witch, at least not right now, at least in relation to the idea of utilizing my will to achieve a result.  I don't actually cast spells... I use prayer to higher spirits to usher in changes in my life.  So in that regard, I am more mystically oriented, I would say.  But I think that Christian witches might get me, because of my interests, my devotion, those figures whom I pray to, my vibe.  That's why I am seeking them out.)

Apart from the very cool Christians in left leaning circles whom I know, I don't feel like religious Christianity would ever truly accept a person like me... and it's not just because of my latex nun habit and my foul mouth.  I go about my practice in a way that defies the mainstream, I don't even read the Bible, not trusting it because of how it has been used as a tool of oppression and propaganda.  I much prefer to read mystical accounts from the holy men and women of this path over the scriptures.  It feels a bit more straight from the horse's mouth, as well.  I also believe Jesus was the prophet Isa... he survived crucifixion, escaped to India, became a Buddhist monk, and is buried in a tomb in Kashmir.

The hippy community would probably not get me either, rejecting anything Christian as not as trendy or "psychedelic" as Eastern religion, or whatever... anyway, appropriating Hinduism is not something I am interested in at all.  I love researching Hinduism, I flirted with it for a very long time, but I refuse to half ass my spirituality like some people do.  I get the sense that most (?) hippies are notorious for this kind of stuff.

Occultists would also probably turn their noses up at me, shunning anything with the name Jesus attached to it, even when it's done the way I do it, even when there's no dogmatic bullshit attached, even when it's playful and natural.  Wiccans especially don't like Christianity.  What's interesting is what one said to me once, though - ex-Catholic Wiccans make the best witches.  I am not sure why they would be "the best", but I found it amusing.

I am curious to meet indigenous Catholics.  The idea of an indigenous Catholic is very strange to some people, considering the troubling history between indigenous societies and the church.  Nonetheless, there is a strong relationship between the two worlds in certain indigenous circles, and I am curious to know more about the meeting of these two paths, when they are harmonious.  I wonder what some would think of a honkey like me.  I certainly wouldn't try to imply any spiritual authority with things like smudge (which I have used to help myself), I would approach with humility and respect, and try to tell my story and explain how I arrived at where I am, after what happened to me.

A gal in a metaphysical shop today suggested that I am an "Alternative Christian".  I liked that idea.  We had a long discussion about the Virgin Mary being a means of accessing the Great Goddess, among other things.  I am not sure where this is all leading, but Toronto is proving to have more spiritually minded people in various circles than I had initially thought.