Sunday, 25 August 2019

Reflections of Asylum Squad...

Today, the final pages of Asylum Squad were posted - at long last, my series has come to an end.  This post is going to comment on what the ending means, feelings I have on the content, and anything else worth mentioning:

First of all, this was not the original ending I was going to go with.  I had another ending that was rather up to interpretation, where an epilogue scene with two boys using a ouija board in England suggested that Armananstantanu might have been real.  But the more I thought about it, the less satisfying that ending felt, and that was part of why the year long hiatus, after my Dad died, took so long to end.  During that hiatus, sometime in the summer of 2018, the new ending popped randomly into my mind, as a joke, and the more I thought about it, the more I liked it.  Spirit suggested I had found my ending, and so I went with it, after several edits.

I hope no one thinks it's a "lame religious ending", or preachy in any way.  It has religious overtones, but I wanted to focus on sacred femininity a bit here, something a truly churchy, religious ending might scoff at.  Also, the religious overtones are just a symbol - in this case, Liz Madder makes fools of the psychiatric system that wronged her, by rising to become more relevant than it through being honoured by an even more powerful form of the patriarchy - the Catholic church.  What's more respected than perhaps a saint?  To psychiatry she was "just" another ill woman being treated, but to the church she's relevant.  Adding to this, it is my understanding that historically the church at least indirectly had a hand in what western society deems sane and insane, at least on a moral level, so to be recognized as holy by the church itself is so delightfully touché that it had to go in.  This is not intended as some "the power of personal betterment" statement, or anything patronizing like that - rather, it's a big joke designed to mock oppression, having been oppressed severely by certain systems myself.  This ending was to be both touching and hilarious - it is over the top, but so is the rest of the comic, so it works, in my opinion.

Looking back on Asylum Squad, there are things I would have changed had I known better.  Some of the less politically correct content was deemed offensive, and at the time my mind was so warped I wasn't even perceiving in a way fit for this world, tortured by darkness, so I hope anyone offended by the antics of Henry Chan, for example, can understand this if they get their hands on a copy of "The Psychosis Diaries".  There was symbolism that might have been exchanged for something else in some of Liz's dream sequences (based on the chakra system, by the way) when I was trying to find her subplot - kind of mixing up my spiritual systems a bit there, not sure if that was wise from a mystical standpoint.  But what's funny is that in a way, my unconscious knew what it was doing with her character all along - with the new ending, the Catholic flavour found throughout the plot went from mere flavouring to interesting clues and runners about the protagonist's ultimate conclusion - her holiness.  My conscious did not even know my ending when I began "Monster Hospital" - I knew Liz was not schizophrenic, but that was it.  It's positively Jungian how this all came together.

Asylum Squad was not a perfect comic, but it was a way of coping with the pain and torment in my life, expressing myself to try and get my social status and creative output back, and it was a means of finding myself as I worked to find the ending.  I don't know if I will tackle another comic again - I have some ideas in mind, but I feel another hiatus, at least, is in order for now.  I will likely be making paintings and things like that, posting about them on here, while I decide what my next major project will be.

I'm glad I was able to bring joy to people, and I hope this ending was satisfying.  Thanks for being a delightful audience!


Saturday, 24 August 2019

Going down to 60 mg, spiritual updates, & other things...

Not sure what image to use this time - here's Metatron's Cube.
Hooray - my psychiatrist is on a hiatus as she moves to another clinic, but I am not losing her!  We had a good last session at the current clinic, and laughed over things - she is simply changing the direction of her practice.  I am so glad not to lose this woman - she is the breath of fresh air I needed to get the confidence to recover, an ear to hear me when I say I am not mentally ill, but instead psychologically affected from spiritual problems.  I am also dropping from 80 mg to 60 mg of Latuda, because I want to train my brain to handle a slightly lower dose for a while.  I think it's time to go down, and she agreed.  (This dose is not much different effects wise, so it's likely not to cause any complications.)

An interesting event happened recently, after some friends and I went for Ethiopian food in the East End.  We happened upon an interesting shop where I met a lovely older gent who was a real character - a psychic himself.  He seemed profoundly good at it, even reading that I had a deck of tarot cards in my purse, he knew details of my character and life, it was shockingly accurate.  He also knew, without me reading him, that I am quite a good (developing) psychic, and he wanted me to be in touch - could this be the doorway I needed into my psychic career?  I had been drawing the King of Pentacles card repeatedly, saying this will be my next boss, and that it would involve some kind of metaphysical shop.  I suspect this could be the gentleman.  No update yet, but I shall have to write more if anything comes of this.  He's important to the psychic community, I will mention that.

Once again I am exploring Kabbalah a bit, wondering about the sephirot, and how they relate to me.  The demon attacked and probably did structural damage to my psyche in some ways, something I know I am healing from, but I need to keep going - I am all over the map right now with some ideas because I am still not 100%.  It's more of a confusion over constructs in my mind than a madness - I cope and function quite well, my moods are good, sleep is good, nothing is truly upsetting except for a couple of traumas I am still trying to work on.  I want to focus a bit more on Da'at, the "sephirah that isn't", because I wonder if that is an influence that is off, causing the sensations of strangeness in the psyche.  It's possible I was dealing with both the real demon and a metaphorical inner demon, and the inner demon was the cute, impish one, while the real demon was the malevolence that ruined my life for a while after getting inside of me.  This is a complex mystery that's going to take a while to unravel, but I am constantly healing, grounding, and I suspect that one day I will get to the bottom of things.

With my tarot group the other night, something happened that had never happened before.  The spirit of the father of one of the women with me tried to talk directly through my body, the way channels normally work, but I guess my skills with this kind of channel are raw and underdeveloped right now, so I get the sense that the message wasn't fully delivered.  But it was rather funny - I felt this temperature change and tingle on my shoulders and back as the spirit moved in to talk through me, and started to shake and jerk around - it was more amusing than anything else.  My soul must have allowed him to try, this spirit was desperate to relay a message to his daughter, but it was just too soon for it to come through as well as he wanted it to.  I had some anxiety, I will admit, having been possessed by darkness, but was reassured by the Spirit that it's just something new that I'm not used to, this was a positive soul trying to speak through me to his child.  The soul left - it just took time for him to leave my vicinity, once he had connected.  When I am next with this lady and her dad is around again, there may be another attempt, when I am clearer to do this sort of thing.

I am so, so close to finishing what remains of Asylum Squad - I literally have one and a half pages left to draw up and ink, and then I just have to reduce them by photocopy, scan 'em, tone 'em, and then they go up.  It could be any day now.  I feel more satisfied than sad about completing this series - it wasn't a perfect comic, but it meant something to me, and perhaps something to others as well.  I will be writing an article on here about the meaning of the ending, what my feelings about the series are, et cetera.


Tuesday, 20 August 2019

Going goth?!

Oh dear... it seems like I am slipping into a goth phase!

I used to be a bit of a rivethead, back in my 20s, which is goth's industrial cousin, but later kind of abandoned it for a more hippie seeker look.  I also loved lolita fashion for a while, but it proved to be pricey, and the community is full of little shits who are haughty about clothing brands and other things that seem ultimately insignificant.  On boring dress days, I'll dress in stuff my mom gives me - still with style, but more conservative.  My hair isn't that interesting, since my job requires that I have conservative hair, so I grew it out and often wear it up in various ways.

I guess I just started to feel extremely goth about my life, having survived demonic attack, to the point where I killed the damn thing, the whole mental hospital thing, the spiritual horrors and drama that my life has shown me... kind of makes me want to wear heavy eyeshadow a bit more often.  But I won't just settle for any kind of goth - I want to be the gothiest goth, in a weird Catholic way, with crosses and rosaries dangling from everything.  While virtually every other goth I see is off loving Satan and his stupid demons, I am making fun of him, killing a demon and reading naughty details about terrible people who piss me off.  (I'm also slightly heavier set than I'd like to be in my gut, so I might as well wear more black - it's slimming.)

I feel rather silly that this is happening now, since I am pushing 40 - I often kind of made fun of goths a bit for being rather unoriginal with certain trends, and their cheesy melodrama is a real eye roller.  Still, I like a lot of the music and clothes, and my life has been about as goth as it has been punk - which is to say, VERY.

Not sure if this is a phase I am going through, but my goth friend is amused that suddenly she is wearing more colour, and I am dressing more like how she used to dress.  When I read psychically about this, it says my style is going gothy, and it's because I killed a demon, want to feel badass about it, and that satanism is going to look particularly stupid to me as time goes on.  Because what's more badass than worshipping demons?  Killing them.  (I also want to be more interesting aesthetically than a satanist goth - I picture those chicks listening to witch house music and giving blowjobs in cemeteries.)

Also - I think the "dark field" thing I sensed might be some after effect from this whole thing, and I am now directing my prayers to Grandmother Moon for assistance.  Smudging with sweetgrass only got me so far after a certain point - I felt reactions in my soul, but not change.  This is something I need to keep working on, and I know that a devotional approach is the only answer - that's the way it's always been.


Thursday, 15 August 2019

The Secret Power of Cats...

Some interesting insights I am channeling about the feline world from the Spirit, since cats have captivated the minds of the internet, and have always had a powerful place in my heart:

Sciences suggest that there's some kind of microbe (or something) in cat shit that makes people either crazy about cats, or just plain crazy, hence the crazy cat lady stereotype.  It takes a certain kind of feline to turn around a cat hater and make them into a cat lover - I know of several people who didn't think much of these impish little munchkins until the right cat came into their lives, now these people are basically waiting on them hand and foot.  One person is my dear stepdad, who loved dogs, but after his papillon died, Mom convinced him to get a couple of cats, and since then their black cat Luigi has basically pussy whipped him into being the cat's servant.  My stepdad begrudgingly refers to these cats as "the farm animals" but still loves 'em to death.

We've all heard that the Egyptians saw these animals as godlike - I was curious about that, knowing how modern man still idolizes them, in some way or another.  When I channel about that, there's some kind of interesting relationship cats have with Divinity, as a kind of link to it in some way in which they work with it, which I guess Ancient Egypt recognized.  Also interesting is that cats have miraculous powers to charm other creatures into getting what they want out of them.  Not domesticated the same way as dogs, cats saw what humans were doing, saw an opportunity there, and approached us.  In my opinion they are not sociopathic, I would say they're more narcissistic, they are among the more self serving creatures in the animal kingdom.  A cat may be your pet, but to the cat, you are their servant.  This is the joke with cat lovers... turns out, it's more than a joke!

Cats will often do playful, silly things to charm their humans into getting creature comforts out of them - also, they delight in how odd and funny we seem to them, just as we see them as odd and funny.  They don't exactly respect us the way dogs do - they like us, but they see us as theirs.

For fun, I psychically read about an article I saw about cats given dinosaur trims for the summer, where they were buzzed to look like a stegosaurus.  The funniest answers came out of it - most of these cats were horribly embarrassed by the cuts, one liked it because it was fat and it felt good for the summer, but one was so angry it later shat all over stuff around the house, and caused problems in other ways.

It's funny how we can forgive cats for the annoying things they do - if a human were to act like the way a cat does sometimes, we'd smack 'em in the head, unless they were Catwoman or something.  I guess they really do have charismatic powers.


Jury duty summons: Good sign?

Some "fun stuff" in the mail today - a jury duty summons - boy oh boy!  (I had had some survey thing from this a while ago, and filled it out because it seemed pretty critical that I do so, out of the fear of what I could be hit with if I didn't.  Today I opened my mailbox and found this.  It was a bit of a groaner, knowing what I know about how annoying these things can be, but after talking to my mother I decided it was probably a good sign that all is well with the legal system and I.)

When I consult the Spirit on this one, it suggests that I should consider this a very positive sign, and that if I end up serving, it could even improve how the legal system views me in society.  It's possible I could get out of it - if this is a grizzly trial, it might be too much for me, I still being a bit sensitive psychologically.  We shall see.  It would be interesting to consult the Akashic Records on the events - if I do this, being a psychic I might have interesting insights into what the verdict should be.  Of course, I won't have my tarot deck in the courtroom, but I can fuck around with it in between court dates.

So mostly, despite these things being a pain for most, I am feeling rather good that I was at least considered viable for this... it means any troubles I had in the past with the system are probably deemed irrelevant right now.


Sunday, 11 August 2019

Carolyn Myss "Archetype Cards"...

I like to use these cards as a means of breaking down the qualities that Spirit and the Akashic Records see in a person's character when reading someone psychically.  I originally bought these as a deck for my mother, who is a Carolyn Myss fan, but she never used them, so she gifted them back to me.

They run through the light and shadow qualities of all the archetypes listed, so one could either take on the positive, or negative, or both, of any in the deck.  There are some blanks to fill out too, though I haven't created my own yet.  This is an interesting method of analyzing someone while using my method of psychic interpretation.  Though not what the cards were intended for, they work wonderfully, and I have gotten some interesting results with them, including many that friends I read for, who named names of people they know, can confirm as accurate.  If I ever go into the psychic lady business, this deck might end up being one of my go-to staples for reading people.

I bought a book on reading the Akashic Records, which I have yet to really read, but it suggests one should avoid doing some of the things I am doing with the Records, like reading private details, because it implies the info can come out wrong, or something.  I am not sure if this is just a moral goody two shoes thing, but I seem to be able to do it anyway - perhaps Spirit thinks my life has been so terrible that I deserve a little bit of naughty fun.  I am still refining things, and it gets better all the time, with more and more accurate details emerging, confirmed by those I read for.

With all the strange phenomena and seeming psychic power I have, I sometimes wonder if stigmata is indeed next (haha).  It was something I craved on my more Catholic obsessed days, like a Judy Blume character longing for her period.  My solution to such a thing would be maxi pads on the hands, I think, as ridiculous as that sounds.  Gotta protect the bedsheets somehow.  Yeah, I know gauze exists, but maxi pads on the hands is just that much more edgy and cool, right?  At the very least it would make a fantastically amusing Always commercial, with a bunch of nuns in a convent running to a pharmacy because of their stigmata.  You don't see advertising of that caliber much these days.  <_<


Friday, 9 August 2019

First Pentacle of the Sun...

I ordered one of these from good old  because I got the sense it might be worth experimenting with a talisman that correlates with Archangel Metatron, the angel I work the most with.  I have worn Michael and Gabriel ones before (Catholic medals) but I guess they weren't effective as I saw no change while wearing them (I have with other talismans, such as the Benedictine Medal Crucifix, the Star of David, and the Virgin Mary medal - like I stated before, I believe that without a need, or at least without the approval of the Spirit, a talisman won't work).

Doing readings, I got the sense that using something affiliated with Metatron, such as this particular item, might improve my spiritual workings with the seraph if I wear it regularly.  I thought about a Metatron's Cube item, but I get the sense that a Greater Key of Solomon item would be symbolically much more sacred - I don't understand the origins of the Metatron's Cube design.  Usually I see New Age hippy stoners with that design around their neck... not sure what to make of that.

My understanding is that Spirit renders an item sacred, so this doesn't need to be some expensive thing ordered from a "shaman", as long as it bears the correct imagery on it.  Some other info I channeled regarding Metatron: that probably the only real reason I work well with him is that I had previously invoked Christ, who allows me to stabilize and ground under Metatron's influence without the risk of madness.  Metatron is apparently not easy to invoke - his influence can drive a person mad because of Metatron's level of Divinity if one isn't prepared for it, so often people can't even do it.  In my case, with the stabilizing Christ influence, Metatron actually was a healing force that lifted madness, made me smarter, wiser, more psychically gifted, among other blessings.  Of course, I am still on psych meds to ground as well, but even on those I can sense the healing going on in my mind from all of this, and suspect that with caution, meds will be a thing of the past one day, when I am ready.

Speaking of that - I am concerned that suddenly I may be without a psychiatrist, now that I have a cool one who listens to me.  No confirmation on this, only that she is halting work at the clinic I go to.  Hopefully she's just moving somewhere else.  If I have to switch to some knucklehead who preaches the chemical imbalance theory and med compliance, I am going to get a wee bit miserable.  I hate shrinks who work as shills for pharmaceutical companies and who represent the worst qualities of the medical world, which is what most of them are like, in my experience.  A mind as different as my own is regarded as inferior, simply because it's unusual... that's what they believe.  So sick of your shit, western medicine.  Sure, give me a cast if I break my leg, operate on me if I need surgery, but leave my mind alone... I like what it has become.


Interesting Aleister Crowley documentary...

Here's a fascinating Aleister Crowley documentary - watching this, I don't get why people love him so much.  What's so "sacred" about forcing your followers to fuck a goat while slitting the goat's throat?  Edgelord douchiness to the extreme.  I'll stick with my transmuted rosaries and ecstatic states, thank you very much.

He didn't amount to much in his life, in the end.  He sought something strange that led him to a rooming house, bitter about his limp dick and his heroin addiction.  He has a pop cultural following, but then again, so does Charles Manson.

Anyway, this is still worth a watch - he was at the very least a fascinating character.


Becoming a seeker in youth: My decision at age 24...

Though I flirted a bit with Wicca in high school, mostly I was agnostic, bordering on atheist, as a younger woman - some of the more miserable times for my mood in life was when I chose not to engage the soul.  Unlike some, I was meant to become a seeker, I would never achieve any satisfaction otherwise, and I realized this at 24, when illusions around me about what I deemed important began to shatter.

I began to have a strange series of dreams demanding that I pick up a spiritual path - in other words, I got called.  Of course, this led to an acute change in my behaviour, and life was turbulent at the time, darkness was about me, so people thought I was either acting out, or losing it, or both.  It was very hard to explain what I was feeling, or experiencing.  I was justly afraid of psychiatry, knowing they wouldn't get it, and would of course go on to be abused by them after I was non-compliant for the upteenth time - they will do whatever they can to control a person who is difficult once you're in their world deep enough... I'm just glad they didn't try to convince family I needed shock treatment.  All my creative ideas might have been destroyed, as my memory is already not the greatest.

As a younger woman (and I joke that this is a materialistic Taurean trait, as much as I question the validity of pop astrology, such as the Western zodiac) I was obsessed about making big bucks, though I had no plans... like so many young minds, I just assumed things would fall into place for me somehow.  There were signs I might have had a career breakthrough, but nothing panned out, and as reality began to hit hard that my so-called "money gods" were not necessarily going to be there for me, I had to seek real gods instead, find my soul, grow it, etc.  The world was starting to get really difficult at this point, on the world stage, and I knew that the material alone would never satisfy, even with money, the way I once believed it could.  So I committed myself to a youth of seeking spiritual riches, not material ones, believing that if I achieved heightened awareness as a younger woman, I might still achieve financial riches as an older one - and, if not, it wouldn't bother me so much if I never did.

Now I still work an unimpressive job, I live a simple life, but I have achieved, for the most part, a level of happiness that I have never known before.  There's almost a "Taoistic" way that I coast through life... I plan for things, yes, but I also go with the flow, taking things day by day, and most days are satisfying in some way.  In perhaps 5 months, I haven't had one bad day - I have had irritants that have come up, but they were dealt with quite well, and I moved on.  I have a healthy relationship with death now, being a medium... I know that the soul lives on, and I can visit with spirits when they drop by.

In my gut, I somehow know things might even turn out ok for me financially, in the long run.  I am glad I devoted myself to this over the more common pursuits.  I see a lot of stressed minds out there, fretting about many things, minds of lives doing more impressive things than I with work, and yet feeling little satisfaction with it all.

I am not done growing, of course... it will be interesting to look back at this in a few years, when I hit 40, and see where I am at that time by comparison.


Thursday, 8 August 2019

Checking out the Spiritualist Temple...

Yesterday, after our tarot group and before karaoke, a friend and I noticed that the local Christian Spiritualist Temple was having a psychometry night, so we popped in to look around.

Spiritualism was something my analyst suggested as a path for me, it was also a church I checked out many years ago, when I was still so spiritually ill I couldn't fully appreciate it.  I find it rather interesting, but I hadn't gotten very far with it, these churches are few and far between (unlike more mainstream denominations), their websites tend to be half assed, and some places are out of the way.  But this one is relatively close to my home, and it was interesting what I got out of it last night.

We sat down to watch the psychometry sessions, and suddenly I felt this strong glowing warmth sensation over my back, like a loving embrace, which was to stay with me for the rest of the night.  I was wondering what it was, when suddenly my head turned and my finger pointed to a dove on a pamphlet, and then my eyes glanced over at a flame burning on a candle - the Holy Spirit?  I hadn't felt energy this strong since perhaps Sedona.

My friend also remarked that his sinuses cleared up while he was there - he had been sniffling for the rest of the night, just not in the church.  So there's something powerful going on in there, and it feels very beautiful.

Tonight there's a service I want to go to - they do regular service plus messages for those who attend.  It will be interesting to see if they pick up on anything for me.  A church that takes an interest in the psychic arts might be right up my alley.  I don't think the Spiritualist religion is offended much by queer culture or certain progressive politics, either - not sure.

I am still unsure as to how to define myself, only that the structure of my practice is Christian, but not every source I necessarily work with is, and my ideas are more Indian.  I probably really don't need a definition, but humans love to label things, to have a handle on them, and I can't help but go there.


Monday, 5 August 2019

A beautiful confirmation sign in nature...

Here's a lovely sign I received yesterday while at a friend's place for a BBQ:

We were out on his patio, preparing burgers and chatting, when a bird began to chirp loudly from a nearby tree.  We looked up to behold a beautiful Northern Cardinal, which is a bird I have rarely, if ever, seen in person.  I wondered what it could mean.

I picked up my phone and Googled the symbolic meaning of the Cardinal, and the most common interpretation is that they are a symbol of communication with the spirit world, something I have recently refined with the Holy Spirit.  Then I grabbed my deck of tarot cards and drew the Emperor card, the archetype that best represents my recently deceased teacher friend, and channeled - "He's in touch, he watches over you from time to time, this is real!"  Interesting event that was a little nod from Spirit, it felt like a true confirmation, since Cardinals aren't as common as other bird species in this city.  The teacher friend visits often because he delights in the fact that we can converse, which I don't think he is able to do with anyone else, and the stuff I channel sometimes makes him laugh because it can be a bit wonky - I get a laughter response through my body.

Dad needs to come visit again soon, so I can try channeling a conversation with him as well.  He loved to travel in life, so perhaps he's visiting various famous sites right now.


Saturday, 3 August 2019

Television is for chumps: How I learned to hate the idiot box...

For whatever reason, I have grown to despise television (most of it) with a level of austerity that would put my late father to shame many, many times over.  Here's a rant about that:

I work a job that permits a television in the workspace, because of the nature of how boring my task can be.  Back before a certain spiritual developmental level, I kind of relied on our tube to keep from going bonkers on some of the longer shifts.  We ripped cable because we could, back before Rogers went digital and they replaced the analog version with imagery of goldfish tanks (I still think a totalitarian Buddhist is behind that, trying to force Zen on the masses as punishment for not paying the television bill).  The tube died and was replaced with a high definition flatscreen, but our company wasn't willing to pay for the cable service, so we got an antenna instead, and now the only thing that is worth watching is the news, which is often tragic.  Fuck that noise.

I have gone two years straight with virtually no television, except for the odd Netflix experience at a friend's place, and now my mind almost feels nauseous thinking about turning one on and staring at it.  The mind is also happier this way, and loves the stillness.  Like marijuana, my mind rejects television, or at least grows bored and wishes to go elsewhere.  I have a shitty flatscreen Samsung that's at least 15 years old that I inherited from my mother that hardly sees any action, save a friend popping by for a movie night.  I was dumb enough to sign up for a cable package one time years ago, something I got locked into for 2 years in a contract, where I got cheap basic cable, but I watched it maybe twice - CP24 leaves something to be desired.  What was I thinking?!  Now I don't have cable, Crave, Netflix, or any of those things.  I have a bunch of DVDs I may watch once in a blue moon, but other than that I am not a watcher.  So why all the hate?

One reason is how infuriating I find television commercials - they are extremely obnoxious.  There are some clever ones, but they often get banned, and there are so many of them in between segments of a show now that I have to mute them because the volume is always jacked up and I WILL regress as a mind if I am exposed to them for too long.  They insult me.  Commercials make me sick and are the main reason I can't stand television anymore.

Also - I find it's just a huge waste of time.  Sure, some programming can be compelling, but very little of it is, and often the good stuff is on some specialty version of television other than cable, which I am not willing to pay for.  And when I go on Netflix, I am overwhelmed by the level of selection, so I don't end up choosing anything, usually.  I might end up caving and getting Spotify, for I love music and where it takes my mind.  Like Marshall McLuhan might have discussed, television provides too much stimulus, so my mind rebels by ignoring most of it, going to another place.  While music takes my mind on a journey, television is just annoying, and I want it to end.

Sometimes I will go to a film in the theatre, but very rarely.  You really have to sell the plot to me for me to consider it at all, considering how pricey the theatres are now.  I used to love mental health story flicks, but now that I am also sick of talking about mental health stuff, I kind of don't care about those anymore either.  So I love flicks about spirituality and religion, and I like documentaries, stuff like that.  I am a nerd in that regard.

Video games are even worse than television.  They are like doing homework, they are not fun.  I used to love them, my Dad prevented me from having them in the house until I was 12, when I finally inherited a Super Nintendo - I played that thing to death.  But spirituality killed video games for me - yay.  Something about sitting around for hours at a time, slack jawed, twiddling my thumbs, trying to get some neckbeard's creation to do something relevant on a screen for some specific outcome seems incredibly bland, when I could be reading about people's private lives with psychic abilities instead, and making discoveries about myself with Akasha.  No thank you, geeks.  I get what they still like about it... but it's dull, dull, dull for me now.  Retro gaming can be okay even today, only because of the nostalgia factor... oh shit, am I sounding like a hipster yet?!

I guess I can only truly enjoy screen based entertainment now if I am sharing it with others, like at a gathering, or an outing.  A social component must be involved.  I may watch a video on the web that's cool, but rarely - I like the web, when it's not a sinister, vitriolic place, because of how vast it is.  I love books, but am not even that bookish - I often find it hard to follow passages of text for long before I must break, for even then my mind will go to another place.

One last thing - having achieved a state where I am now gaining inner knowledge, something I am seeking to refine, stimuli like television bombards the senses, interfering with this process, while something like music can encourage it, depending on what it is I am listening to.  This is why I crave a quieter, simpler life.  It makes the inner world richer.

So any television I watch now better be good, to take up my time like this... or perhaps even so bad it's delightful.


Friday, 2 August 2019

Brain damage?

I suspect strongly that there might have been a component of mild brain damage because of the assault on my neurology from the demon, hence why speech patterns were strange for a while, why my intellect took a nose dive, and why other weird stuff that I felt in my mind happened.  I am also convinced that if that is the case, I am making a full recovery.

I have had two kinds of brain scans throughout all of this - one (I think) was a standard MRI, the other was an EEG, but because they were looking for specific things, I never found out if there was any strange activity other than the possibility of what the scans were hoping to detect - and the results proved that nothing they suspected was evident.  For the longest time, there has been a sense of weakness and timidness to some function of my mind - it's very hard to describe, only that things don't exactly feel right, without medication my mind gets extremely anxious and slips into a strange form of paranoia, and even on medication there's something a little odd going on.  Certain sounds are really unpleasant to behold, especially some of the noises used in that horrible autotune pop rap that permeates many stores in this day and age, it grates on my nerves.  I can get easily irritated if something is bothering me one day, even though I have disciplined myself to be less irritable, so I have learned to hide the irritation.  There's a sense of weariness to me on some days, and I need to take lots of naps.

I might talk to my psychiatrist (who is also a neurologist) about getting another brain scan done, to detect any strange neurological activity, but maybe that isn't even necessary.  It seems I have become hyper intelligent in some ways, thanks to work on myself, so if I were to approach her about this, it might be deemed unnecessary for the reasons I worry it's needed.  This doesn't seem to be an intellectual functionality issue anymore - rather, it's a tiredness, a timidness, something that's feeling slightly off.  So I gather that this is simply a stage of my recovery from the assault on my brain.

I cope with this, brain damage or not, with low lighting, a weighted blanket, soft objects, classical and meditation music, and a lot of alone time.  The Spirit comforts me with a kind of caring bedside manner, when I get anxious.  The evening is the loneliest time of the day, when anxiety can creep in, so it's good to feel that powerful presence to relax me while I try to get to sleep.  The crippling insomnia I had several years ago makes the evening, when I am bedding down, a worrisome time, but it's getting better now.  I think Metatron might be the reason I now tend to get a solid night's rest when I sleep.