My next Super Wonder Gallery piece...

Although I want to do that St. Lucy of Syracuse piece, the next art show at Super Wonder Gallery is rock n roll / music themed, so I have been contemplating for it.  Some ideas that came to mind for spirituality and music were St. Cecilia of Rome and Saraswati (the Indian goddess of the arts), but today, while at a poetry reading, I decided on a punk rock themed Virgin Mary piece.

I already did a 7 Sorrows of the Virgin Mary painting, but I want to borrow from that imagery again.  I also want to emphasize a goddess-centric tone, with Goddess Kali undertones.  I will emphasize this with a nose ring with rosary chain attached, and Mary's tongue sticking out.  She will cry blood (for some reason, I really like painting tears of blood lol) and show the 7 swords piercing her immaculate heart, along with a punk aesthetic that includes the phrase "Punks not dead, neither is God", which will be the name of the piece.  I might incorporate both imitation gold and silver leaf.

What's truly punk about this piece is insinuating that the Virgin Mary is a goddess (with the Kali imagery), something Roman Catholicism does not appreciate, but many - including myself - have felt goddess power while praying to Mother Mary.  Punk is both a political and musical movement, so I am going to try for punk aesthetics but also a punk interpretation of the Virgin Mary.  Mother Mary was a powerful doorway to Earth Mother magick for me, so this piece is an homage to that, while being fitting with an art show dedicated to various forms of music.

I bought a canvas for my St. Lucy piece, but I'm reserving it for that.  I think I want a slightly larger canvas for this one, it might have pop culture appeal.  The due date is in late August, so I have time.

I think this will be a fun one to capture!

-Saraƒin

UPDATE: I definitely have to give Her some Vivienne Westwood jewelry - perfect!

Questioning what I now call my faith...

I am once again asking myself what I should be calling myself spiritually, because although I have been identifying as a Christian, there are definitely too many differences I have from them to just be Christian.  I am a very strong Christ devotee, I know the Virgin Mary well, the saints and angels have answered my prayers here and there, but I am not a monotheist, I identify as a henotheist, one who feels that the more gods, the merrier.

I wonder now if it is safe to say that my practice, which is its own thing, mirrors Hinduism a little bit.  I believe in many things the Hindu believes, such as karma, reincarnation, working with gods who would welcome me to work with them, and I had a kundalini awakening.  I have had visions of the Indian gods, along with Catholic imagery, I know Krishna at least has transformed my mind.  I don't want to become one of those obnoxious caucasians who goes around saying "namaste", hands clasped in prayer, with a bindi on my forehead, but I perceive God a certain way, and I am questioning what I was calling myself.  As much as whites can be a pain in the ass, it's also insufferable how some groups can be when caucasians have unique, sincere experiences that differ from their cultural norm.  I personally feel like I'm walking on eggshells with some types, so I tend to watch myself now with how I present while I explore what I'm experiencing.  I was attacked for my Nataraja costume, I am trying to avoid this kind of humiliation from happening again.

Some might say I'm "New Age", I don't like that movement very much because I find it too commercial, limited, and rather un-sacred (although it might be fascinated by sacred ideas).  Perhaps I would need to consult someone in Hinduism who can appreciate the eclectic way to see what they feel about my relationship to Krishna, and what I have experienced with the rich visions and the symptoms of active kundalini.

Apart from the oddness I experience with little chicken shit things that irritate, life is much simpler and quieter now, but a bit dull.  I wish someone would enter my life whom I could turn to for consultation on spiritual matters, but I have never found the right guru figure.  I'm not miserable, but I'm a little bit bored.

I have decided I am not going to start calling myself Hindu at this point, but I am going to start studying Hinduism a bit more again, and see where that takes me.  I had a phase similar to this years ago, but then I concentrated heavily on Christianity while working with Jesus.   Now, with all the things I've been up to, it's safe to say I'm not quite the same thing anymore, but I don't get the impression Jesus is upset with me either.  

Jesus didn't want me taking money for tarot readings or spells, but He seems fine with me exploring other ways of perceiving God.

-Saraƒin

How I wear my veil...

Once again, I began to wear a style of veiling several years ago for several reasons, including covering the crown of the head for concentration, protection from unwanted male attention (I think it works a little bit), protecting my hair from the elements, reducing the need to go to the salon by just tying it up and covering it (a low income hack), preventing obvious stimming (playing with my hair), and showing spiritual/religious devotion.  But I want to do an article now on how I wear it, the veils I wear, etc:

Usually, I just throw on a bandanna and then cover the bandanna with a scarf by first tying the bandanna from behind, followed by the scarf.  Then, I attach a decorative pin to one side to hold it in place.  Often, on my goth days, both the bandanna and the scarf are black, but I have a variety of colours for my more colourful days, including a couple with patterns on them.

Sometimes I wear the veil with a slightly more nun-like aesthetic, where I use a particular kind of scarf that just doesn't tie well at the back, so I use two pins in front - the decorative one, and a safety pin that I attach from beneath the layers, pinning those scarves to the bandanna.

Sometimes I wear a bandanna and a Catholic style mantilla veil.  I might wear it to church, but I also just wear it throughout the day, I have even worn it while clubbing.

I got inspired by Muslim lolitas and what they do with the hijab, and began putting bows, decorative headbands, halo tiaras, and other gear on top on certain days, just to dress it up a bit.

The beauty about veiling is that you can treat it like a feminine alternative to long hair, and the stress of hair care doesn't have to be a worry.  Yes, I of course wash and condition my hair, brushing it regularly, but I save a ton of money not being at the hair salon all the time, I tend to just go for a trim once in a while to deal with split ends.  Also, having a variety of colours can be fun to change up the look completely.

I am not sure if this veiling thing will be for the rest of my life, but I am quite enjoying what it has brought me, and it adds a level of properness to my presentation that I just wasn't feeling without it.

-Saraƒin

Tackling my file...

I just got off the phone with a lovely person from CAMH who is going to help me tackle my psychiatric profile so that it can reflect the truth of my current situation.  My worry is that because of my past (which was chaotic, no question) I might face challenges as a woman under medicine, not getting any younger.  The file simply needs to be cleaned up so that it can reflect where I'm at with my mental health, what is true and what isn't.  When I needed an endoscopy, I was patronized because of information on my file... I knew I needed to clean it up.  I'm hoping a hand can do that for me, without me having to look at my file.

It's almost June... I came off of Latuda mid February.  It's safe to say I don't need it anymore.  My mind is definitely neurodivergent, but not psychotic.  I can't afford the $5000.00 (?) it takes for an autism diagnosis, but I hear there might be a way where it can be covered, and I guess that's what the waiting list is about.  I think I require a sponsor for a study to be fully understood, but I don't know how to find one, so in the meantime all I can do is contact CAMH to clean up what doesn't belong.

I knew this already, but it's good to be reassured that decent people do work in mental health.  It's medical trauma that haunts me and makes me feel that others just don't care.  When I am confronted with a heart or a voice that proves compassion, I check myself and remind myself that angels are everywhere, including in mental health services.

They just sprayed my place yesterday, already my anxiety is going down.  One more spray in two weeks, then the homestead can feel a bit more normal again.

-Saraƒin

On "cancelling myself"...

Part of why I took an extended hiatus after the death of my father in 2017 was because I knew I had to reinvent my image in the art world.  Because of some misinterpretations of me in the media, along with me appearing in a film about schizophrenia (not as the main subject, but as someone she talks to), I knew I had to shut down an image I didn't agree with.  What's depressing for me is that if I had continued on the schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder awareness bandwagon, I might have been more successful as an artist.  Instead, something fell flat when I shut down a dialogue about what I was writing about... now, no one wants to write articles about me.  I am not sure if it's because people find me problematic for what I did in shutting this down, or because the idea of me claiming I have spiritual gifts is too grandiose for consideration, but for whatever reason, the media doesn't want to talk about me anymore.

I am not sure where to take myself with any self-promotion, so I tend not to do it.  I am a bit jealous in some ways of the witch ladies out there who are doing so much better with popularity than I am, perhaps my old image tainted my current one... I'm also not exactly killing shit as an independent artist.  I might forever be "just an ill woman" to the world, why trust a spiritualist who had that madness quality at one time?  It's really disheartening, I am still miffed that psychiatry had a hand that was so extensive in corrupting even my image, let alone my file.  I said to a psychiatrist one time that because of what they have been to me that they are "the devil to me".  How does one truly transform their name once the horse is out of the barn?  I don't even know who is talking about me anymore, but I worry they are still promoting what they think I'm about, without doing thorough research into how my comic ends, and what happened to me.

It's interesting how traffic grew in recent times for this blog, just not in Canada.  I don't know what that means... I don't tend to Google search my name, out of fear.  This is not paranoia, this is PTSD, and the concern that people not getting me might upset me.

I guess I need to just keep promoting the new me, the new art, tend to my life, and hope for favourable results.

-Saraƒin

The Big Red Dot of Pride - another sale!

Amazing - another sale!

"The Gryphon Queen" was purchased yesterday by a friend who does karaoke with me.  They had implied that they were interested, came to the show, and did a transaction with the curator.

Despite several crummy things that have recently happened, this year has been better than last year for art sales - I only sold two last year, late in the year, outside of the gallery scene.  I might get started on my St. Lucy piece soon, because I bought a few new paints and I'm feeling inspired.

I think svadhisthana chakra might have been a little sick, I began praying over that level of consciousness as well.  Again, I felt the upset with the mind was in the lower mind, considering where the abuses were happening in the soul.  Now that the weather is nicer (except for some rain that's happening right now) I have been back in the park, trying to connect with nature.  It's hard being a Canadian when it gets cold, because I don't get to enjoy this in the winter season.  Once it's good enough to lay out a blanket and enjoy the sunshine, I do so obsessively.  I want to enjoy it as much as I can while the weather is nice.

-Saraƒin

Thoughts on the devil...

I was doing some downloading on ideas I had about what the devil actually is, and I wanted to expand on those thoughts in an article:

I was channeling that devils are constructs of the sacred masculine that are representative of conflict in the natural order of the masculine (the spirit) and the feminine (the material).  The masculine is overabundant... as a result, the feminine suffers.  What we have is an imperfect, conflicted world because of creation itself.  When God willed the creation of the universe, there were problems with creation.  The feminine flowers in strange ways, people suffer, they fail to thoroughly understand God, they create suffering, nature is not what it should be.  The result of this conflict means overabundance... the Whore of Babylon.  The Christ would come, solve this, and in turn nature would redeem overtime.  Then, the new world can blossom, and take hold... Heaven will rule the Earth.

This is also the kind of stuff I get when I read the Book of Revelation, I get interpretations from certain sections of the Bible, which I in turn make art from.  One painting is my "Excess, The Mother of Harlots" piece, which is going into that Monster Erotica show that is on tonight and tomorrow.  (The piece I did for this year's Super Naughty Show, "The Garden of Eden", is based on my interpretation of parts of Genesis, and also touches on what I have been downloading.)

Prep is underway for the spraying in my apartment, it's pretty stressful.  The good news: the inspector determined that this is not an infestation, it's just traces of bedbugs, so I caught it really early.  Still, I hate dealing with this, it's extremely irritating.  Good thing the weather is nice, so I can just take a good long walk while I wait to return to my unit.

Today is World Goth Day, so I went to the park in my goth clothes and did some spells.  Later, after the show, some friends and I are going goth clubbing.

-Saraƒin

Bad news bugs...

Very bad news... they are bedbugs.

The pest inspector came by and confirmed based on some evidence that something's afoot.  Now I have a laundry prep ordeal from hell on my hands, they come back to spray next Wednesday.  I got several bags done today, I still have several more to do... my living room is going to be nothing but piles of garbage bags full of laundry.  Awful.

I bought a door stopper from Canadian Tire, because what I think happened was that a migrant bedbug wandered through my front door crack when they were cleaning out the apartment of that disaster tenant who was letting her unit go to waste.  This will prevent future infestations, at least through the front door.

I can't help but feel jaded... life keeps throwing me curveballs as of late.  At least the results of my mammogram were positive - I went from having D type breast density to C type, which is healthier... now I don't need another scan for two more years.  Also, the cough and weird voice are completely gone.  But Murphy's Law loves picking on me for some reason, so now that my health is back on track, I am dealing with pests again.  Time to knuckle down with prep, Mother Mary litanies, and as much practical and metaphysical shit as one can throw at something like this.

Speaking of pests, here's a joke I came up with recently:

What's the difference between a psychiatrist and a cockroach?

It's illegal to kill a psychiatrist.

-Saraƒin

Harsh lessons I have learned (and might have to unlearn)...

I often remark on how I struggle with love, at least as something I feel I can rely on.  I fear hate will constantly rear its ugly head, destroying anything love shows me.  They say love is more powerful than hate, but to me, love is a sandcastle that a child builds at the beach, hate kicks it over, destroying love's creation.  Hate is sharp, angry, brutal, and difficult to control - I feel, what love creates is often destroyed by hate.  In my life, all things fell apart under the spirit of hate, and I still feel, decades later, that I have rebuilding to do.  Because of this, I struggle to understand this so-called power of love.

I feel I have learned levels of wisdom from a life saturated in hate.  This is not what I wanted, but it was how I got myself out of possession, and learned resilience.  The fruits of hate are not from hate itself, but from escaping it, and learning how to deal with it.  I long to learn more from love.  Perhaps it is true that levels of love have crept into my life, with a rich friendship circle, a (mostly) quiet situation in certain ways, but perhaps because of trauma, I am bracing myself for the next hateful influence to destroy any feeling of calm I have worked so hard to establish.

Knowing I cannot rely on medicine (certain levels of it - mental health related, I mean), I have learned how to be my own "doctor".  Out of need, I called to the spirit world and demanded to know what would cure me.  It took time, but I eventually downloaded the medicines and techniques that would lead me to the point where Latuda was no longer necessary.  I am still in shock, fatigued, obviously the pains of project living take their toll on a heart as well, if neighbours are letting their units become filthy, thus affecting my enjoyment of space - but these are mild compared to the horrors of my past, these are basically first world problems, even though they are the conflicts of the disabled and the underprivileged.  The spirit of hate might have meant an ugly death, but I am safe from that now, and as annoying as low income life can be when you have a disability, it is not nearly as horrible as worrying about being a ticking time bomb.

Speaking of love, I am at the point where I believe that, depending on the individual's life, one must earn love, and that was true for me as well.  Because of legal challenges in the past, most of society gave up on me, many were stern with me, even though my torment created this conflict - really, I was fighting my heart out trying to be well, trying to ground things.  I needed a gentle response in hospital, not a stern lecture every day of my life, like I meant any harm.  So love had to be earned for any dignity in life to return, to leave that ward, for life to go on.  I still feel like this earning process is unfolding, the art world certainly doesn't understand me or my work, it's possible I might die one day and no one ever got what I was about.  But I can't give up on cultivating better results, now that I've got the upper hand of my mind, and my choices are finer.

I have learned to accept that life might never be what I wanted it to be, but I can hope that if I do my part then I would be provided for.  This means being frugal with everything, learning to say no to fun opportunities if they are just not within my budget, spending most of my money on necessity, and embracing the little things, the affordable hobbies.  This will build me a modest nest egg overtime, so that I might know money for my elder years, when I might require medicines that are not covered.  I simply can't invest in big schemes, even a higher education doesn't seem like a good investment.  Wisdom says, just be a bohemian folk artist, put away, and go out with friends, do art shows, stay small.

Perhaps this is the result of demanding an epic life.  If I had insisted on a slice of life kind of journey, I might have suffered other, more common scenarios.  My philosophy is this: if you insist on an epic, be prepared to suffer in unspeakable ways.  As tough as it was, who cares about an epic in film if there is no major conflict?

This might all sound quite depressing, but it's miles beyond where I was years ago.  Perhaps cultivating finer things might result in a finer situation one day, but I must always be ready for the rainy days, and there have been plenty.

Speaking of rain, they still need to fix the roof.  I might jinx it in saying so, but at least the rain has not been heavy, and my unit has stayed dry.

-Saraƒin

Contemplating my next Catholic saint piece...

I like painting martyrs - I have done a couple, St. Joan of Arc, St. Sebastian... now I want to paint another, St. Lucy of Syracuse, the patron saint of those who suffer from eye conditions.

According to accounts, St. Lucy's eyes were plucked out prior to her execution, then God miraculously restored them.  I want to paint a slightly more bloodied St. Lucy compared to most icons of her... in this piece, her eyes restored, but tears of blood dripping down her face from them, and the eyes upon the plate she holds in a pool of blood.  I suppose I am compelled to paint agony like this because I've endured so much pain from the dark spirit that I was often certain that I would die, perhaps in the most bloody, horrific way.  So (and maybe this is just a goth thing) I like painting blood to shed the pain that I endured under the suffering of possession, and the resulting humiliation it caused my life, where I could not find help that made any sense, and for a while, became a pariah.  Old friends abandoned me, several continue to ignore me, even though my life is back on track... it takes horror to show you the true face of humanity, for better or for worse.  

I also often put erotic or sexual undertones in my art, because the entity frequently molested me psychosexually with bizarre mental imagery, perverted poetry, and touch.  It was extremely disturbing, and for psychiatry not to acknowledge there was a real spiritual presence feels like gaslighting, to say the least.  I use a lot of pastels because I want love and gentleness to rule my life, but I insist on sharing the horror I have been exposed to as well.  The sexual undertones in my art are not terribly strange, but not exactly sexy either - perhaps just a little bit "rock 'n roll", nothing worse than an Anima Sola icon.

I am not sure what Super Wonder Gallery's next show will be, but this is definitely a martyr I want to tackle.  I am hoping he will do a religious themed show sometime (even if it's sacrilegious lol), because I have several new pieces that have never been shown.

I am starting to wonder if my latest bug problem is actually bed bugs, because I have had them before many years ago, and this time, the bugs in my bed look different, and I didn't get any bites.  Regardless, I still want pest control to do a spray, while I do laundry.  Sigh, I am so tired of these irritating little things creeping into my life.  I suppose my PTSD is just amplifying everything one could feel from a bug scare, I am exhausted.

-Saraƒin

Fire Horse Year is kicking my ass...

Oh, great!  More bullshit!

I just discovered last night that I have bedbugs.  There was that neighbour from across and down the hall that got evicted - I heard she brought them in, now at least one other neighbour and myself are dealing with this shit.  Of all the pests one could get, this is the one I find the most stressful to deal with.

It's not just the bugs themselves, it's all the prep that drives me nuts.  I have a lot of clothes, plushies, and fabric items, and the idea of tackling that much laundry is making my head spin.  Last night, I had to sleep on the couch in the living room, praying that they hadn't migrated to that area.  I threw down some diatomaceous earth, got the Raid can and sprayed down my bed area and mattress (thank God the mattress itself is covered), and started bagging things.  I informed the building with a work order and asked that a worker help me with this, I am at wit's end.

I have to say though, I am dealing with this better than I might have in the past, my anxiety feels physical, I am mostly keeping calm.  I tried talking to a neighbour about it, but she doesn't speak English.  I am hoping someone can caulk any cracks in the walls to prevent this from happening again.

This building used to be a blessing, now it's a curse.  I got 10 good years out of this place before things began to go sour.  I am not in a position of privilege to move, so I have to just tackle problems as they come, I would hope neighbours are doing the same (one of them is).

At least the warmer weather is here... if I had to deal with this in the winter season... FUUUUCK.

-Saraƒin

UPDATE: Remembering that I have a fresh caulk cartridge and a caulking gun, I decided to tackle floorboard cracks, DIY style.  The result ain't pretty, but it might mean this problem is more preventable in the future, and won't get much worse... I hope.

Trek to CAMH...

Well, I tried to have a discussion about my profile today with a psychiatrist, but it was a bust.  I took the streetcar to CAMH to give them the update about me coming off of Latuda (and how I achieved that), but was turned away by desk staff, and asked to call a number instead.  Oh well.

I guess what matters is that I'm off the drug, I just hope SCID worked for my diagnosis of PTSD.  At least my GP knows I made it off Latuda, maybe that's all that matters.  Perhaps I'm just neurotic because I'm not used to being taken seriously when I have pointed out errors in diagnosis, so I am worried that anything that promotes what I agreed with might be rejected.

I might have sold "The Gryphon Queen", but I still want to put it in the art show, so the potential buyer is willing to see how the show goes.  If it doesn't sell to anyone else, they will buy it.  Awesome - so far, this has been a better year for art sales than last year!

I got a second Orisha talisman today, while in Kensington Market.  I was in "Courage My Love" when I got an insight about how an item in that store could be used as a talisman for Yemaya's power.  Looking around, I saw some cowrie shell bracelets for $12, and realized that's what the message was suggesting.  I purchased one, took it home, and consecrated it.  I received some powerful downloads while using my tarot and oracle decks.

Looks like the weather is about to get much nicer, I am gearing up for some much needed park time.

-Saraƒin

Bone magick...

Recently, I got called to use something made of bone as a talisman - I kept seeing visions of bones, was drawn to them, channeling that they would be of use to me as a tool.  Today, I got messages about working with Eleggua,  that bone is a way to help heal me of physical health complications.

I remembered I had the necklace pictured here, and decided to make use of this as the chosen talisman.  In my sacred circle today, after work, I blessed it in the name of Eleggua, and slipped it around my neck.  I had felt extremely fatigued after my shift, and within minutes, began to feel a rush of strength, and not as tired.

I am going to try wearing this often to see if my overall physical health and energy levels improve, it can't hurt to put it to the test.  I have a few minor complications - hypothyroidism, the tendency to choke on my food sometimes because of acidity, and I take medications for both conditions.  I also probably have strained neurology from all the abuses, and just feel fatigued and sore in general.  I am not saying this will cure me of all that, but if I can at least feel a little bit stronger, that is what I'm hoping for.

I have had successes with other talismans, so I felt it was important to listen to this information.  My mother is suffering from some new health complications that have come with aging, so I am thinking I will use another piece of bone jewelry and bless it to give to her, so she can wear it, just as an experiment.  (I have never made talismans for others, but I want to try it.)

I am now convinced my relationship to the Orishas is real, even though it doesn't follow any specific established tradition.  I have channeled several of them, and I have felt their hand in solving some of my problems.

-Saraƒin

UPDATE: While rummaging through a drawer, I found a bone necklace of a mask that Eleggua called for me to use as the talisman.  So I consecrated it, and have started wearing it instead.  Even if the original item was real bone (I thought it was a tooth, not sure), this piece is finer.  It was from an estate, along with a handful of other items that were passed on to me.

Another sale!

Hooray!

"The Garden of Eden" just sold!  I had touched it up a bit because I felt certain details needed to be a bit stronger.  The buyer was initially wanting a print, but decided on purchasing the original.  No sales in galleries in a while, but this is even better because no curator takes a cut if I sell outside of the gallery.  It's just a nice kind of personal pride thing to get a red dot beside your piece in a gallery show, which indicates a sale.

I want to open up a bit on my feelings about the RFK Jr. decision to scale back on antidepressant usage and to help people with tapering off of them.  Based on what I know about RFK Jr. I am not a fan, he promotes a great deal of quackery, but I don't disagree with this decision.  The internet is exploding with claims that he is attempting a ban on antidepressants, but based on what seem to be the facts, this is not the case.  I can't imagine a ban on antidepressants, that's ludicrous - many would die, and big business would suffer.  What this instead looks like is an argument for a more holistic approach to most cases of depression, which might be solved with the right lifestyle adjustments, the correct approach to life itself, and the right level of spiritual or philosophical self care, among other forms of management (which is what I would hope to see).  When I was coming off Effexor XR back in the 2000s, I asked medicine for help with the weening process, but they said they only do inpatient withdrawal for narcotics.  As a result, when doing this on my own, I suffered a nervous breakdown.  To have something in place for drugs as difficult to come off of as this one, in my opinion, is a good idea.  I think many are upset that RFK Jr. proposed it, and so this has blown up.  I never should have been a teen on antidepressants, I now have many self-injury scars, which started around the time I was on Prozac, and I believe antidepressants at least didn't help with this self-destructive pattern I developed.  So to ease up on overmedicating, especially with younger brains, is something I have to agree with.  Just my two cents on a decision that might be deemed controversial.  Whether or not it is done well remains to be seen.

Speaking of coming off medication, I want to talk a bit about my only tattoo.  When I was convinced I would die before the age of 25, I got a small "Rx" tattooed to the back of my neck, as a statement about being on psychiatric medication.  After the shit hit the fan with the entity and I found myself in the battle of my life, I became compelled to get a cross-out in red over it, like a "No Smoking" cross-out circle, to cancel what the old self believed of herself.  But being on antipsychotics years later, I longed for this tattoo to have greater meaning, because I grew to hate what I had done to my body with it, and with razor blades.  I no longer wanted to identify as a "pill popping person", but as someone who defeated the expectations psychiatry had of me.  If only I could be in the clear, I would tell myself.  Well, months later, off Latuda, I am less uncomfortable with this tattoo, because I feel I finally defeated an awful prognosis, and I got off the pills after all.  

I am not sure I would ever get another tattoo, I don't even like this one, but at least I feel it finally means something.

-Saraƒin

"The Gryphon Queen" has been completed!

 Yay - I got this done in very good time!

I am very pleased with how this turned out - it's one of my most dynamic pieces in a while.  The gryphon's form is sexy because of her curves, not because of anything particularly sexual about this.  I am not sure how I will price this just yet (I must ask the curator), but I am thinking of asking for $350.00.  Although this is for an erotic monsters show, to me it captures themes of wrath, royalty, and glory.

The black paint pen began to run a bit low towards the end of its completion, so I had to switch to a Sharpie, but it worked.  I just have to seal it now, perhaps do any necessary touch-ups, and add a wire to the back.

Here's the flyer for my next show:

-Saraƒin

Rough pencils for my next piece...

"The Gryphon Queen"

I bought a 12 x 12" canvas today while in Chinatown, the due date for the "Monster Erotica" show is the 17th of May.  I did a rough pencil sketch, then proceeded to pencil the design onto the canvas, as shown here.  I want to use red and gold colours, a red background, with imitation gold leaf for the gryphon, and red details on the eyes, tongue, crown jewels, talons, nipples, and bloodied sword.  The gryphon will be outlined in black, with highlights in either gold or white paint.

Again, this is the monster I chose because it's representing my last name ("Griffin").  I feel I have become the Queen of Swords as a personality in recent times, and I have cut through all spiritual problems, so I want to suggest this, almost like a self portrait.  The curator has agreed that I can also once again contribute my "Excess, The Mother of Harlots" piece, because it works with the theme of the show.

I am pleased with the line work and volume of this rendition, I think it's showing that I'm in greater spiritual health. The gryphon looks commanding, suggesting a take charge attitude.  I will have to analyze this further once completed, I expect to lay down the flats very soon.

I did an interview with a NYC area Mad Pride person yesterday, I felt it went really well.  Provided it becomes available to the public, I might share a link to it on this blog (it was a Zoom meeting style interview).  It was just my feelings on approaching mental wellness after deciding that psychiatry is an unsatisfying solution to my specific set of problems.

I have come out of my recent funk with self-skepticism.  This happens here and there, I suppose a bit of a "Devil's Advocate" in me is a good thing, so as to keep the ego in check.  Perhaps no channel in the world is perfect, and I am to remember that.  I went to church and felt comforting, loving information come over me, to settle my worries.  

I am still only 44, there's room and time to grow.

-Saraƒin
 

My skeptical side...

I will get into the inner skeptic in a minute, but first - another level of recovery (?):

A couple nights ago, I had a bout of insomnia, where I just couldn't drift to sleep, likely because of an extended nap in the late afternoon.  While lying awake on my couch, I channeled to pray to the spirits of the land for a release of what continued to irritate Manipura, my navel centre.  Within 4 hours, there was a whoosh sensation, and now, days later, less tension, but still fatigue.  I hope that's it, but time will tell.

Today, the skeptic in me questions everything.  Although it has been a healthy experience to follow the inner self in the journey towards recovery and refinement, when it feels that God is promising me mighty things, I can't help but wrestle with self doubt.  Today, I wonder if I am not a real mystic, but instead a kind of psychological surrealist, one who polished myself to the point where I no longer require Latuda, but am still just playing with the unconscious, like an active imagination thing.  This doubt leads me to serious despair, it feels finer to have hope and faith than to doubt, perhaps I just need to press on and polish what my mind interprets.  But my city is highly skeptical of the mystical arts, I am surrounded by atheists, and I can't help but question myself.  Rationality, to some, is one of the most important qualities in the world.  How can I compete with that?

Perhaps I am just an artist who should hang out with the surrealist crowd and make peace with a toy in my mind that delights me with wonder... is God a lie, as the average Torontonian seems to think?  Did I waste my life not focusing more on money and the accumulation of status and wealth?  But I couldn't, I had a fight for survival, to get "El Shrinko" to back off with any insult I felt didn't size me up well enough at all.  I just can't be honest with even the Jungian anymore either, the promises of channeling are so rich and bizarre that I don't dare talk about them to anyone.  So now I sit with them and worry, because skepticism in me says, you are an artist, a surrealist, and nothing more.

If my mind is just a toy to be played with, I suppose I must make peace with that, but it brings me little joy.  So today, I'm just not feeling much from anything.

I hope God is real, I hope I can have faith in love.  At least the horror is over, and I still can't explain away the rosary that physically changed.

-Saraƒin

They really doubled down this time (at the walk-in clinic)...

I had to go back to the walk-in clinic, because I am just not getting over this virus so easily.

Finally, antibiotics!  Also, a puffer and a nasal spray.  If this doesn't solve it, I have no idea what will.  I just wish I had been prescribed antibiotics weeks ago, because my entire April month has been about coughing up phlegm.  There are some very nasty strains going around, this is definitely the worst virus I have ever had.  It seems more like classic influenza than COVID based on what the symptoms have been - I could still taste food, didn't have the runs, they concluded it was the flu, just really strong.  (My clinic doesn't do COVID tests, and I didn't find a pharmacy that had any in stock.) I should start getting the flu shot more often for the winter season.

I have been musing about the definition of the term "witch" again - regardless of how one defines what a witch is, there is a lot of misinformation going around about what it takes to be one.  The "witchcore" aesthetic crowd have infiltrated the conversation, many who simply want to be witches are calling themselves that, saying things like "you just have to feel like a witch to be a witch", or "you just have to want it, then it's yours".  My guess is that a lot of people who romanticize the image are doing all the necessary reading and practice, but without a response from the spirit world, it is little more than a song and dance.  So here's my definition: if you are effective as a witch, then you are a witch.  Otherwise, you simply want to be a witch.  How does one know they are effective?  I guess you learn this from the spirit world, or from a lot of strong responses to what you put out.  I personally sense something is happening when I feel shivers up the spine, I've talked to guides, I've also had people tell me they just feel what I did worked.  But do I know for sure?  Not really.  I can safely say I cured myself enough to get off Latuda though, so I have at least healed myself.

Am I a witch?  According to neopaganism, yes.  According to more ancient ideas, maybe not, because I am not doing anything malefic.  Yes, I try difficult magick once in a blue moon, but it's to correct things that are already ugly, I don't work with devils.  This gets complicated, because Wiccans call themselves witches and don't believe in the devil, but again, Wicca is a neopagan movement.  So I am a witch because I work with magick, but this is perhaps a neopagan description of me.  I have aligned with Heaven, Heaven controls my magick so I can't fuck up my karma.

I just celebrated my 44th birthday - too bad I was sick, I still enjoyed myself.  Fire Horse is a bit of a wonky year so far, but I'm holding it together.

-Saraƒin