Modified found art sculpture: "St Hubert of Liege"...

All done!  This charming piece of nonsense asks: what if St. Hubert killed the deer anyway?  Now that it's finished, I find it kind of awful, but I still like it.  I think I will still price it at $700.00, because I want to hang onto it, but if someone really wants to buy it, I'll sell it for that.  I might put it up above the icon of my Dad, but it's early in the day right now, and I don't want to wake up the neighbours.

(The rosary came after St. Hubert, but I think it just adds to the absurdity of this piece, so when I found that out, I shrugged and left it on.  The piece reminds me of Laibach's sense of humour.)

I didn't expect to find these antlers at the thrift store.  Once I brought them home, I felt compelled to get to work immediately.  My next piece will probably be that Dionysus painting I was mentioning in my last post.

-Saraƒin

UPDATE: I showed this piece to my Mom, and she remarked on something she saw in it that I didn't even think of: that we humans, as ruthless as we can be, are so cruel to animals, that this is also about sacrifice in general.  We kill animals for fun all the time, but we also killed a god.  Perhaps this is a more powerful piece than I thought.

 

Work in progress: "St. Hubert of Liege"...

As mentioned a couple of posts ago, I am a frequent thrifter, and today I struck gold at Value Village - I found this for $10.99, and got the mad idea to make a piece of ironic Catholic art referencing St. Hubert of Liege, the patron saint of hunters.  I decided I was going to take it home, prime the back with black paint, and add a crucifix to it.  The more I thought about it, I began to laugh, because according to his story, he was about to kill a stag, while hunting, when a crucifix appeared above its antlers, and he was instructed to convert to the faith by a voice.  He later became a bishop.

This piece is ridiculous, because it suggests that not only did he kill the stag anyway, he made a trophy out of it to honour the incident, but what it really suggests is the crimes of religion, where Catholics use the name of Jesus to create suffering in the world.  (I must emphasize that this has nothing to do with the saint himself, it's a cartoonist's wit making a statement about corruption in religion, using strange Catholic kitsch.)

So far, I have the base painted, the crucifix attached and gold leafed, and the front and sides varnished.  It's drying in the bathtub overnight - later, when I re-attach the antlers, I will be adding an old wooden rosary that will hang from their base.

Recently, there was a modified found art show at Northern Contemporary - too bad I missed it, I would have put this piece in, I'm hoping there will be similar shows in the future.  I have to see how it looks put together, but I might price it at $700.00.

Another piece I am going to get started on soon is an illustration of Dionysus that I want to enter into another Northern Contemporary show called "All You Can Eat", which is food themed.  I just need to find the right canvas for it - I want another big solid one, so I can price the piece higher.

-Saraƒin

What I've learned from working with God...

Just some notes now about my feelings since committing to God, for mental health, and as a way of life:

Although I have to call myself an eclectic now, I still consider myself Christian, at least as a spiritual foundation, in the way that someone who is culturally Christian, who got somewhere with it might, even after opening other doors.  I was strictly Christian for a while, to defeat my conflict with the entity, but a time came when I felt God was allowing me to explore other things too, so now I must identify as something other than a typical Christian, but folk spirituality dictates that this can happen, as many religious orders have suggested.  I feel Jesus is one of the most relevant gods to humanity, and I feel it is not just the Christian who may work well with Him, but other groups too.

Without God, I can't imagine better mental health at this point.  It is sad to see how Jesus corrupts if religion presents Him badly, and yet I know what His power brings, as a mystic.  I am not Bible obsessed, although I use it as a tool for scrying and prayer, and find it to be a powerful practice.  Something happened with my heart, where it became a personal guide that connected me to God, and that tool is something I seek to refine with discipline.  It is also sad how the mental health professional cannot honour the idea of a personal inner guide, without the fear of that complicating a life, considering the richness it brings, and the stability I have found, following its advice.  This is not voice hearing, as I have learned, but instead an inner sense of self that is presenting wisdom.  My file, perhaps now corrupt, a doctor cannot hear this, preferring the idea that I am psychotic.  Perhaps this is a Toronto problem, it would be nice if, locally, they could recognize the difference.

I compare the path of God to riding in a Rolls Royce, versus riding in a Lada: without God, or with forces that are not appropriate, you can't expect as smooth a ride.  Finding Jesus meant that I found other workable sources that are right for me, and I am still learning what those are.  The journey is simply better, you will make more friends, and find less trouble.  I do recommend God, in whatever way one can know God, in whatever way that is culturally appropriate, as a valuable influence, even if God is a hard pill to swallow for some.  I simply feel now that belief in Spirit, and good relations to God, are important for finer mental health.  

To the atheist or the agnostic, I say, live as one would, as though to serve Love itself, if the idea of God is too much for you.  Perhaps that is enough for the self.

-Saraƒin

Clothes...

Me, wearing one of my many great thrift finds

Clothes are very important to me.  As much as I have gotten somewhere with abandoning certain levels of material obsession, I just don't feel like I can ever abandon the pursuit of style.

This became very clear to me, as I got better with my mental health, and refined with my soul's journey, that I still want to be a fashionista.  I now thrift at least once a week, thrift being an easy way of seeking stylish clothing on a budget.  The rule of thumb, I find, is to thrift often, because you will eventually strike gold.  Clothes are a way of expressing the self, and its refinement, by doing little more than putting oneself together for the day.  (I also don makeup daily, and have gotten better with technique, the more I explore it.)

I got even more into clothes and makeup since the pandemic lockdowns.  Putting on clothes, instead of lounging around in my PJs, meant that I felt I had solved at least a part of the day, instead of letting that nagging feeling of not doing much of anything set in.  Although I agree that people should basically do whatever they want with their appearance (within reason), exploring style helped me to feel like I had put an effort into something - as an artist, if I had not committed to an art project in a long while, at least I had treated my body as a canvas, and made an interesting presentation with myself.  Makeup, while we were all masking, made my eyes look more expressive, allowing for finer means of communication, when our lips were all covered because of the masks.

Another major reason I have stepped up my fashionista game was because of the offensive diagnosis of Schizotypal Personality Disorder that I received in March of 2023, which I later fought with SCID, and seemed to defeat.  I became obsessed with the idea of defeating the idea that I bore a strange appearance, and had problems socializing, by presenting as "posh" as possible, while still being counterculture about it.  So now, daily, I put myself together, I often take a selfie to show off my style, to discredit the psychiatrist.  I have also gone full extrovert as of late, socializing at least 2 to 3 times per week, to prove I know how to make friends, and am very involved with the community.  Schizotypal Personality Disorder, in my opinion, has no place in the DSM, because of how problematic it is.  Perhaps SPD is to the shaman, as an example, what Hysteria was to womankind, and I would hope that one day, toxic atheism backs out of psychiatry, takes this one out, just as other disorders deemed inappropriate with changing times have been removed.

Thrift has also been a fantastic way of decorating my low income apartment, which I have turned into a little "witch doctor pad" - both personal appearance, and decor, are a part of the ongoing art project of allowing more style into my life.  Not obsessing about wealth, I am now delighting in "thrift wealth".

Style also helps with relations - I seem to fair better with the average person if I present something lovely to the world. While following fashion trends may sometimes mean requiring a bigger budget, style doesn't have to be that expensive.  It's just important to not collect too much, and move items as new ones come into my collection, so as to not get overburdened!

-Saraƒin

New illustration: "The Key, The Promise"...

This new piece is tiny, at only 5 x 7" - as mentioned in a previous post, when I mused about creating it, it's based on that time in 2008 when I committed to getting myself out of spirit possession by burying a key in the soil, as a declaration that I would defeat my conflict.  After the problem was solved in 2018, I started getting a spirit drawing of the same key, as though Spirit was telling me the deed was done - that's how I interpret it, anyway.  I'm selling this for $75, because it is very small.

(The name is a play on the song title "The Key The Secret" by British Eurodance group Urban Cookie Collective, which is little more than my sense of humour at play.)

Neurosis continues to flare up, here and there, at nighttime - I suppose one can't go through what I did without some ongoing levels of this.  I try to avoid popping Ativan, because they can become habit forming, opting to take Loxapine instead, to knock myself out.  I have to say, at least my anxiety is less intense now, but the night is when it all comes out in me, traumas are relived.  

Thank God for the "angel orderlies" around to calm me - this comes in the form of a force that calms my body whenever I panic or thrash.

-Saraƒin

Mental health update...

Last month, I achieved a new level of calm in the mind, and into June, the healing continues.  I am still avoiding THC now, I get the sense it can no longer be medicinal.  The last time I consumed it, I got a powerful message to stop, so I did - I still have some left over, but I think I will just use it as offerings to the gods when I pray.  All shadows are gone - perhaps mild awkwardness remains in the form of little whispers from the subconscious, but there are no "devils" to speak of.  I light candles and pray to St. Jude to take away any desire I have for marijuana - my goal was to use it medicinally, then to let it go, because I have no interest in being a recreational marijuana smoker whatsoever.  (I'm also thinking that perhaps I won't touch psilocybin after all - something flowered in me where I probably don't need it.)

Consuming THC regularly probably meant mild memory problems and fatigue, so as I let it go, I expect those side effects to go away.  Certainly, I am losing anxiety over my lungs now - they never got that bad, but I wanted to stop when I could, I felt smoking was the finest way of getting the medicine, at least for the soul.  Other methods just weren't cutting it.  God had promised me it was temporary, it looks like the time has come to let it go, I am relieved.

The art opening was fun - I met another artist presenting, there were over 400 pieces, great work.  It feels wonderful to be presenting in galleries again.  I had a sadness when I wasn't as involved in the arts because of self doubt, and now that feeling is lifting.  I still have no plans for new comics, although I do jam sometimes with other cartoonists.  Illustration is what I'm concentrating on these days.

Just for fun now - I recently decided my Hogwarts house is not Ravenclaw after all, not having the booksmarts of that house, but I am instead a classic example of Gryffindor, which is what I used to say in my 20s because of my name.  I was going through a phase where I identified heavily with Luna Lovegood, perhaps because of how unusual my life is, but as I turned a corner in healing and saw a stronger sense of self come forward, I came to identify more with Gryffindor traits.  

(Perhaps I have traits from all four houses, even Slytherin, but Gryffindor makes the most sense to me at this point - time to change what my profile says.) lol

-Saraƒin

"All The Small Things" art show...

I just got in from dropping "Little Bee" off at Northern Contemporary art gallery.  The show opening is this Thursday, June 6th, at 6:00 pm - Northern Contemporary is at 420 Roncesvalles Ave in Toronto.  (I heard that about 400 pieces are going in the show.)

I have just had an insight that it's time to give up marijuana smoking, that its medicine has served its purpose, so as of yesterday, I stopped using it, because my lungs needed a break anyway.  It doesn't feel like I have weakened lung capacity, only that I know in quitting, my lungs will feel better.  I must admit, I did experiment with alcohol magick again, and began to feel the rushes up the spine, so maybe the angels just wanted me to dry out a bit, for a while.  I am trying to stick with light beverages - no more damn Fireball, but maybe some wine here and there, mostly I want to stick with beers and ciders.  Something feels slightly stronger in the mind, so I have stopped the marijuana, probably no longer needing it.  (I may or may not try a low dose of psilocybin sometime, I'm thinking about it, but again, I don't want to get too into entheogens, if there's another way.)

Sleep is decent - sometimes I need a PRN, I notice that I simply don't feel as strong at night as during the day, so this can cause restlessness while trying to get to sleep.  But the sunny weather is back, the days are long again, so I feel much better than I do during the winter months.  Neurosis is my worst enemy, but even that is not as bad as it was.  Getting outside and enjoying the weather with long walks and hangouts under the trees is very healing - one of my meditations has become long strolls throughout the city, exercise is more enjoyable now that I am slimmer.

No real travel plans just yet - I will be seeing family later this month, I might go to the SSJD convent for a retreat later in the summer.  Also - one friend and I are still musing about a trip to Mexico City, because she often goes down there, and I would love to tag along sometime.

-Saraƒin