Sunday, 24 January 2021

Taking a "trip"...

I have been getting pressing messages from the Spirit to consider psilocybin in my healing.  Having reached a level of calm in my mind, where old feelings of dread have backed off (except for some degree of anxiety that can creep in at night), I have gone ahead and ordered 7 G of Golden Teacher magic mushroom.  I plan on consuming a fraction of that (1/4 of that amount) to see how it goes.  That's not a very high dose, and if the results prove to be not effective enough, I can incrementally consume a little bit more than that, building it up.  I have only ever done 2 G at a time in the past, back before I began to initiate, and that was enough for a reaction.  The goal is to have an experience that can heal me, grow me, and offer finer insights into the messages I am receiving through channel.  (I realize now that in the past, when I was being urged towards marijuana again, only to try the THC variety, it was CBD that Spirit was urging.  I misinterpreted it, not knowing my limits at the time, and so I had the bad trip.  But now I have the right plant and am doing well.)

THC is bad news to me, but psilocybin has been known to heal trauma, anxiety, and help with shamanic growth, so I have decided to pursue it.  I have designated an old friend to be my call in buddy, to check in on me on the day I set aside to consume the psilocybin.  I will buy a tub of ice cream to consume the mushrooms with (I hate the taste of them!), listening to quiet reflective music, and will plan my day around laying low, waiting to see how things unfold.  They will be consumed in the morning, allowing the full day to be devoted to their effects.  (My building has support workers to talk to, if the trip goes bad - I have a feeling that it won't go badly though, because even at its worst throughout my conflicts, I had once done 2 G of mushroom, and the trip was odd but it wasn't horrible.  I have reached a level of healing where at worst, it would be a funky experience, but I can't imagine anything devastating, especially mushrooms from a recommended dispensary.)

I will be sure to report what I can about it, on here.  CBD has helped with other levels of healing, but for something transformative, it may have its limits.  I continue to consume CBD regularly, as a prescription, and I know it has been very valuable to my overall well being.


Wednesday, 20 January 2021

Clearer messages from the spirit world...

Channeling is proving to be getting a little clearer with those who have crossed over who come to visit.  The spirits acknowledge that I am channeling them better.  Yet another sign that I have turned a corner with my healing!

Dad is there a lot, as is a beloved childhood cat.  One of my uncles is a regular, and so is my old friend the high school teacher who had crossed in recent years.  (It's sad that I was estranged from this teacher in life, something his soul feels sad about, which he keeps telling me he wishes he could have changed the outcome of.)  Spirits seem to like to visit me often, since being an open channel means I can have conversations with the other side, which can't be that common a talent in this part of the world.  (Because I'm coming out of psychospiritual illness from the possession, I feel like there's a period of release upon me that will continue for a time, and while that unfolds, my talents are likely to improve.)

(Cautionary note: Don't try to use ouija boards to talk to dead relatives, or anything like that.  If you want to try spirit communication, try working with angels to attune to it, or start by simply calling to God, and see where it takes you.  There are plenty of books on this subject.  Ouija is trashy and could fuck you up... I have heard too many real life accounts of this technique leading to mental health problems, and sometimes even full blown possession, like what I lived with.  Teeny bopper satanism and ouija board are fun looking for kid sleepovers, but it ain't worth it, kids, if you are a sensitive soul and something wants in.  Give it time and do it right, or don't do it at all.)

My mood has relaxed a bit, but I still have a sadness that creeps over me.  I can't look at "The Psychosis Diaries" anymore, or even Google search old articles about me.  They got me wrong... I got me wrong, and I was in deep hell at the time.  I still live with the trauma of having been a social pariah, and of being what amounts to an asylum convict.  (Though I did write an article on here about how I ended up in forensic psychiatry, I ended up deleting it because I got cold feet having it out there.  I won't tell the full story on here again, only that it's what any panic stricken woman might do if she felt threatened and had nowhere to turn to for help, no one was seriously hurt, and the outcome would make a feminist's blood boil.  Anyone who still judges me because of gossip that went around behind my back is buying into harmful stereotypes of mentally ill people, and should be absolutely ashamed of themselves.)

Nights are the worst, lying in bed.  I long for someone to cuddle me and tell me I did well... bettering myself, finishing my comic series, holding it together during COVID-19, curing myself of my spiritual problems.  But there is no one... just a dark room, and an open channel to my best friend, the Spirit.  Because I'm often alone, I worry I might become a bit of a lone wolf.  Zoom meetings help a little, but I have never known the embrace of a loving partner (except for one relationship that was more of a very close friendship - we are still friends).  When Spirit uses channel to stroke me using my own hand, it almost feels like the touch of a loving person at my side, but it's just not the same as a human loved one doing it.

I wonder how real monks and nuns handle the personal loneliness when it gets to them.  (I suppose they have the community of each other to avoid it.)  Not all of them have been mystics, of course.  At least I have very close relations to spirits and Divinity, because of all of this.  Because of that, I never truly feel completely alone.  It's just those little moments before bed that can get to me.


Sunday, 17 January 2021

My book of magickal writings + a refined magickal ritual...

Thought I'd share some pictures from my new book, one in which I will jot down refined ideas I work with in my practice.

I bought this little book from a shop that remains open during the pandemic due to a loop hole where selling essential items means they can stay in business, allowing customers in the store.  Though the sun here looks a bit Tibetan or Nepalese or something, Sekhmet is a solar goddess, so I bought it anyway.  I also bought an ankh to hang from the cord that keeps the book bound shut, just for decoration.

After yet again refining the ritual for working with the 7 element altar, I took notes down in the book, and included a layout of how to position the elements on the surface, as indicated by the images I have included.  (To create an effect in nature, you use the Creative Cycle.  To destroy a conflict, you use the Destructive Cycle.)

Here now are the refined notes on how to use this system I have invented, when ritualistically conducting a spell:

1) - Call upon the Spirit through the element of Air, directing your wand from one element to the other.  (Air is to be represented by incense on a charcoal, the charcoal being what you give your offerings to.  I use Myrrh for Air.  The Spirit is to be represented by a sacred item, something consecrated by Divinity.  This could be any item.)  Make your intention while offering tobacco to the charcoal.  (Make sure the lit charcoal is consecrated to represent the element of Air, along with the Myrrh or whatever incense you use on it, with each ceremony.)

2) - Call to the Spirit to invoke your patron deity (in my case, Sekhmet).  Make an offering of both tobacco and something to the deity (I use sage for Sekhmet) while restating your intention.

3) - Call to your deity to work with the 5 Chinese metaphysical elements (Wuxing - Wood, Fire, Earth, Metal, and Water), in whichever cycle you are working with, and using your wand, point to these elements on the altar while calling upon them.  Offer tobacco while restating your intention.  (These elements should be literally composed of what they represent, consecrated to do so.  You will have to replenish Water as it evaporates, and reignite Fire and bless the flame each time.)  The idea is that when you call upon the Wuxing elements, in whichever cycle you use, you are calling upon natural order to either generate or destroy a pattern.

4) - Call upon your patron deity to work with the 7 directions (East, South, West, North, Zenith, Nadir, and Center) while once again offering tobacco and stating your intention.  (Stand in the direction of each point while calling them individually, using your wand to indicate them, starting with the East.  Aim the wand up when calling "Zenith", down when calling "Nadir", and at your chest when calling "Center".)

5) - Say "So mote it be".

I have taken to ritualistically using the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram to follow up.  I am offering sage to Sekhmet when I do it, calling upon Her to work through me to perform it.

There may be more edits to this in time, or other ways of performing it, but it seems to be a system that works, taking into account what works in ancient tradition, with an even newer take on neopagan practice.  (I don't have much written in this book yet.  I have other books for spirit writings, but only stuff I feel could be truly relevant will go down in this book.)


UPDATE: I am learning that this method is best used for summoning something to execute an intention, and I will continue experiments with it.  Candle spells may still be my go to for most intentions.

Tuesday, 12 January 2021

Hermiting too much!

I probably do have some kind of "disorder" that arose from all of this, one I have yet to mention on here.  For the sake of discussion, I am going to call it "Hermit Syndrome".  What I mean by this is that I have lived as a hermit of sorts for so long, that I am unsure as to how to fully integrate back into the world.

I will still run tasks, do chores and my job, and engage friends when I should, so it's not a severe case.  But what's wrong is that I have engaged the deeper self and channel for so long, fastidiously ignoring television (mostly), video games, books, and other forms of media, and engaging with people less.  So now, years later, I am very much a person who mostly lives in my head.  I don't remember how it feels to get enjoyment out of worldly things, at least I can't for long, and want to quickly return to my tarot cards, contemplation, and spiritual work.

I am seeing my strange discipline as something that was necessary to unlock certain levels, and for pressing healing needs.  Being without a spiritual teacher or guide who knows my struggle, I had to seek and find the inner guru, and follow its instruction, when I could piece its advice together, to heal myself.  That took shutting off certain worldly things to unlock it, committing to daily (hourly?) prayer and focus.  But now, perhaps like a monk who has lived on their own for a very long time (I'm imagining this might happen with certain monks anyway), returning to the world requires perhaps a transitional period, where I coax my mind back to what it once engaged and enjoyed.

Even channeling and divination are suggesting I need to ease up, as is spirit writing.  It insists I reached the levels I sought for the particular task I had before me, and I can reintegrate again.  Like I said, I am an urban seeker, so it's perhaps not been as intense as it has for others who have lived alone off in nature... any reintegration might not be the harshest challenge.  Naturally, I am using my practice to try and help with the process of being more worldly.  The problem is - with COVID-19 in the world, everyone is expected to be a little bit of a hermit anyway, so it doesn't help!

I am not sure if all my ideas for myself are healthy, although there is some peace with them, at least to a certain degree.  I am not seeking any kind of high powered art career anymore - if it comes to me, I will accept it, but I am too weary or bored to bother trying to be a big shot artist.  I have mused over eventually making another comic, perhaps about a latex clad nun, but that won't happen any day soon.  I am not yet at a comfortable, confident level to go full professional psychic, so that's not upon me yet, and with being off work and on EI, I feel rather useless.  So magick has been my fall back, because it is what interests me most these days.  But now I'm sensing that perhaps I am too involved in it, and not much else.

I am going to generate a creative tome of writings for my spiritual work, as both reference but also for art's sake, and I began to add to the book yesterday, so I may soon have pictures of that.  It's just a little leather bound book I got recently, with a sun on it.  I will take notes that I feel are relevant and inscribe them in it when I get the sense that I should - basically it's a Book of Shadows, but not being Wiccan, I'm not officially calling it that.

I am also working to refine my magickal technique with the 7 element altar - offering tobacco and some sage regularly through the ceremony was suggested through spirit writing.  It could lead to a new system that I would have invented.  Not starting a cult here (ha!) but perhaps a new method.  I don't want to be like Crowley... at ALL.

I guess I won't be able to step away from spiritual practice for very long... in a way, it's my art too.  Ah well... I guess the suggestion refers to helping with mental health, because by the end of the day, after a day of immersion, day in and day out like this, I am weary and often very anxious when in bed.  That's the concern.


Monday, 11 January 2021


Following up on what I have suggested before, this recent place of calm that I have arrived at, in my mind and in my soul, has been consistent since late November, and stronger since mid December.  Because of how much easier the days have become, I think it's safe enough to declare I have reached a new level in my healing.  I am free from the fear of there being something terribly wrong with my neurology, it was likely to do with structures of levels of consciousness, which were changing, and may have needed a mighty reboot.  I noticed profound change after calling to Metatron for "a new mind", and after further commitment to Jesus as my saviour.  Though I have prayed to many, the gods that seem the most prominent for me, among them, are Jesus, Mary, Sekhmet, and Krishna.  Sekhmet is my goddess for most magick, while others are to be called upon for enlightenment and refinement.  I am also feeling stronger as a body, and perhaps even slightly wiser.  So something definitely has changed.  (I had been having premonitions that something great would happen in November, and that December would also be good, so that proved to be true.)

I am now keeping my eyes peeled for ceremonial magickal wear, a robe or dress that suggests Sekhmet, be it red, or with a lion on it as part of its design... something that evokes Her power.  I have my Catholic veil when I do Christian folk magick and rosary, but for Sekhmet this doesn't feel appropriate.  It's not pressing that I obtain this, but if I find something I like, I may buy it.  Cobra design could also work, because that's an animal affiliated with Her as well.

I keep experimenting with my altar.  One thing I channeled is that in working with the orders of Creation and Destruction of the 5 Chinese metaphysical elements, it's as though I am invoking natural order to work with the ceremony, which is a unique way of going about practice.  To the best of my understanding, calling upon the elements of other systems (like Earth, Air, Fire, Water, and the Spirit, in Wicca as an example) does imply the elements in nature, but something of the Chinese model implies nature itself.  I need to refine my studies a bit.  I must admit, I have not been in a bookish mood for a while, preferring contemplation, unlocking inner knowledge, and attempting to read the Akashic Records, to see what they have to say, later to compare what I get to what I find on the internet.  I used to have a practical Daoism book, but it vanished... I shall have to study this system again, as I did many years before (but with a mind that was rather wild at the time).

Study has always been arduous for me, for I have a mind that wanders.  I love reading, but if my mind goes elsewhere, I may find myself rereading the same passage over and over again, realizing that I took in nothing.  My mind has always been in the clouds, even when I wasn't an initiate.  This used to drive me crazy, but now, living the simple contemplative life that I do, if I'm having a day where I simply can't take in outer knowledge, I won't.  I will wait for a day where my brain thirsts for it.  (I would make a lousy university student!)  

I am convinced the reason schools demand that students think, think, think all the time, from kindergarten all the way to post secondary, is to generate reliant neurotics who will depend on capitalism and all that it has to offer as a means of satiating the monkey minds it produces.  It makes consumers out of us, and often ill minds too, so we become customers reliant on medications.  Humans are not designed to be trapped in thought all the time.  Thought is a sense, as the Egyptians believed, it shouldn't be considered a healthy base state of mind.  It burns you out and leaves you dissatisfied, worried all the time.  The "pharaohs" of the modern age, the billionaire class, know exactly what they're doing with the society we live in.  It's all such a load of shit.

I for one won't shed a tear if the West comes to its knees, knowing how much it has antagonized other communities.  I will feel for the families who struggle to be sure, but the beast of capitalism must retire, and the old model of sanity must also be replaced with something that equips citizens with the resilience they will need to make it through what is surely to come.  Genius and wisdom exist in every human being, but most people are not taught how to unlock them, nor are they expected to, I would imagine.  

All the world's a stage - this expression is so true.  If you want your personal role in the play to be more interesting, now is the time to commit to an effective spiritual path.  Those who work with the Spirit will enjoy the play more than those who reject it.


Saturday, 2 January 2021

My athame...

Just a brief post on my personal athame - something I obtained at Toronto's "The Occult Shop" one time on an impulse buy.  Thankfully, I have finally found good use of it as a banishing tool.  Concerned over what I let slide in the past, I now regularly banish after each ritual.  Being without a teacher (and often, having a mind incapable of studying, due to mental states I have been in) it's been trial and error, getting my practice sound, and my mind and soul grounded.  I am now certain the banishing I described recently helped unblock something that was complicating me, and wheels have turned since then.

This one has a Fleur De Lis design, which attracted me because of it implying the Holy Trinity, the Virgin Mother, among other things in Christianity.  (I also have French Canadian blood, but that's not one of the reasons I bought it.)  I was rather upset when I discovered there's some offensive overtones to the Fleur De Lis because of French nationalism, so I'm going to just have to explain that it's about religious symbolism in this case, because I still like this athame's design.  I think this was around a mere $40, which was such a good price I wanted to grab it.  I haven't decorated the blade with anything - I probably will end up leaving it, though maybe I will decorate the handle with something someday.

While I feel that my wand is something I use to draw in and conduct power with, the athame I see as a magickal dispatch tool - just what I sense when I hold these tools.  The athame rests comfortably on my Sekhmet shrine, while the wand tends to rest on my altar.

I have been practising a lot of magick during the new lockdown - a perfect opportunity to continue exploring.  Since there aren't many stores to browse during this time, I have taken to regular visits to Dollarama (don't laugh!) for candles and other things that could be used ceremonially, or for craft supplies.  There's a few stores that sell resins and other metaphysical supplies that are still open, so I have been visiting them as well for ritualistic consumables.  Sage is a plant I offer to Sekhmet in prayers, and it's probably time to stock up on that again soon.  (I hope I don't have to resort to shitty industry tobacco when I run low on the good tobacco - I don't even know how well that would work as an offering in magickal practice and prayer.  My regular seller is currently closed due to the pandemic, and hasn't restocked in a while.)