Video: Channeled advice on committing to a path...

 

Feeling much better, I decided to return with one of these, now that I have thought of a subject to download about.  This is really just general advice on committing to something, regardless of what it is, and what I found has helped for me.

My 41st birthday approaches - I am having two small parties, rather than one big party.  40 was an interesting year for personal growth and change, and I feel it was a strong year, compared to some.  I think I am just going through a phase that is inevitable when you're not quite young and not quite old (and not even quite middle age, in my case - ha!) and you're just not sure about things.  

There is a great hope that washes over me, it permeates my life like beautiful cinematography and sweeps away the darkness.  Demons, if they appear at all, are more impish and playful than anything else, and can't be anything more than manifestations of trauma.  I am certain they will be less severe with time.

I must remind myself when I have a bad day that I need to stop overanalyzing things.

-Saraƒin

My latest experience with CAMH...

Interesting day, better than the last visit to CAMH:

My friend, who helped me with the SCID test, drove me to CAMH again today, so I could discuss on an outpatient basis the results of the testing, to see if it would help with my profile situation.  I saw another doctor, who was quite receptive to the idea that I have PTSD (based on the traumas that I listed - I avoided discussing possession and focused on childhood dental abuses, bullying, sexual and physical assault).  When I mentioned the diagnosis of Schizotypal Personality Disorder and how I disagreed with it, he glanced at my profile and didn't notice it!  Odd... is it possible that I already argued it out of existence by standing up for myself?!

The SCID pages were later photocopied and passed in for consideration on my file... a more thorough psychiatric evaluation.  This is hopeful, at least as classification goes.  I would argue that traumas have aggravated spiritual awakening (causing spiritual emergency) and have led me to take on strange, painful, and perhaps even unrealistic negative beliefs about knowing romance, having a good career, and being a respected citizen in western society, so PTSD is realistic.  I am going about it this way - taking Latuda to cope, using alternative medicine, and using my spirituality to ground everything and to coax in a better mind... if I need their services, PTSD is something tangible if I were to approach something like TMS (which I am currently not investigating).  What matters is that my trauma (some of it, anyway) is validated - validation is one of the first steps, I feel, towards healing, and if a caregiver empathizes with what's causing someone emotional upset, it helps with treatment.

What's sad is that I am realizing most doctor's offices are not safe spaces for spiritual discussion, so I have to look elsewhere for the stuff that doesn't slot well into the DSM (but could accidentally be called schizophrenia).  This means I am mostly on my own in a crisis, so I will have to consider the Gerstein Centre or something like that if I need to get out of the house for a while.  Hospitals will just make me sick because they will get it wrong, and I will end up bedridden and loaded up with pills, so that I don't care if I'm not allowed outside, even for a coffee break at Tim Horton's.

I guess age 40 was the year I "ballsed up" and became my own guide - now I proceed with the intention to remain strong, and to only take the services that make sense.

-Saraƒin

Contemplating my art...

I often contemplate my art career, which has been on a major hiatus since my Dad died in 2017, and I realize I have kind of backed myself into a corner doing the kind of writing I do.  I say this because my story is so strange, it can't possibly be taken for what it is by most who observe it, because the modern age tends to turn its nose up at the idea of spirit possession, not realizing the difference between it and more conventional disorders.  So, if I were to promote myself (and I don't, usually) I would be opening the doors to people who observe me as a mere freak show (and I'm sure I already have that somehow - I think most creatives who write about unusual things have at least someone trolling them).  It would simply be in poor taste for the work itself to be promoted by myself - but, if it is found and appreciated, I don't mind.  So, I think my career all depends now on who discovers me, and not on my own self promotion, which would, in my opinion, be too self indulgent. I just can't shake the feeling I would regret it, because of all the fetishists and gawkers out there... I'm probably not even young and cute enough anymore to pull off that silly rubber nun outfit, I would imagine that's collectively what people would feel.  This belief comes from the despair I see in receiving and observing hatred on the internet.

I haven't done a YouTube video in a couple of months, I might do another one soon.  I have gotten hateful comments on those, certainly - I don't know what people think I am doing, but what these are ultimately are demonstrations of the changes in my mind, from kundalini, which allows higher consciousness to flow - this is both to find anyone who cares for a reading, but mostly to demonstrate my story with spiritual emergency, something the mainstream doesn't tend to discuss, as much as things like mental illness.  It is a cry for help in my writing for anyone with good advice, so that I am not just seen as someone with a conventional situation.  There are simply not enough services for kundalites that I have found, just kundalini yoga, which didn't work for me and is not advised once you have a rising.  I am relying heavily on my own self care, contemplation, and practice to heal myself from what occult forces did to my subconscious, and overtime I have seen positive results, but I do not feel that I have what I need just yet.  I often get very tired and overwhelmed, and I fear aging with this, so I am committed to knuckling down with what remains of youth to solve it before I have to face the diseases of getting older.

Tomorrow, I go to CAMH again with my friend to discuss the PTSD results from SCID, and to clarify some things about my experiences that might have been seen incorrectly.  When the only game in town, really, for mental health gets my diagnosis wrong (because they have re-diagnosed me at least 4 times) it's disheartening, and it really tells me that, beyond friends and family who are there for me, I am completely on my own.

I am a sad soul who longs for greener pastures coming out of extreme pain that hasn't even been validated as real... I remain highly spiritual to hold onto hope, in a life that's been very hard.  I simply can't go back now to skepticism, knowing results from my practice, knowing disbelief would literally kill me, and I accept I may not seem rational to all.  The mystic is often ridiculed in the 21st century, an age where egos are distracted heavily by technology, and don't often seek the deeper meaning in things.  

I wish I had a religious community to support me somehow, but I imagine most religions would not want anything to do with me, because I'm an eclectic, and can't follow everything perfectly.  It's a lonely time for me, but I do have good friends.

-Saraƒin

SCID results...

Well, my friend who has been like a guardian angel since my last hospitalization gave me the Structured Clinical Interview for DSM-5 Disorders (or SCID - she works at CAMH and does this as a career), and found me to be someone diagnosable with severe PTSD, not a personality disorder, nor any schizophrenia or bipolar / mood disorder.  So, we're planning on taking these results to CAMH at some point for yet another opinion.

She clarified a few things for me with diagnosing - for one, according to what she says voice hearing has to be like, I am not a voice hearer at all - rather, what I receive is information that's as audible as, say, getting a song stuck in your head, or getting your mind to concentrate on a specific sound, so in fact - that's a major red flag for why schizophrenia is not my diagnosis.  Visionary experiences didn't seem like I saw them with my eyes, so that's another red flag - it was my mind seeing things within the mind, and meds never shut down either experience, they just softened it, no matter what med was used.

Also - doctors have consistently failed to consider religious or cultural relevance in diagnosing, so my friend did so this time while going through the questions, completely disqualifying me from the trace symptoms they considered for Schizotypal Personality Disorder.  I knew it, I didn't have that one either.

Sigh, it's difficult being an undiagnosed neurodivergent woman and getting misdiagnosed repeatedly by the main mental hospital in the region, it means I can't trust professionals to do their job competently.  Thank God for this friend of mine, who works there and can argue on behalf of me in their language.

I will consider this to be a great year if I can ditch the last diagnosis they gave me in favour of severe PTSD instead.  Year of the Water Rabbit, please be kind.

-Saraƒin

Fear...

I might have uncovered a profound truth about my suffering in recent contemplation sessions - that my worst ill right now is the mind killer, fear itself.

Fear is perhaps what has been causing me extreme weightiness, soreness, fatigue, feelings of spiritual assault, trauma, panic, anxiety, night terrors, paranoia, and so on - fear, as a result of what my poor subconscious had to go through after 12 years of possession.

Working with sources like Jesus, Mary and Metatron for things like taming the inner demons, I turned to them in my prayers again to relieve my soul of all fear, and received a hopeful download.  It often takes time to see the results of prayer, so for now I'm going to sit back and observe, to see if symptoms improve.  I think fear has literally played with my mind in strange ways, and therefore my channeling as well.   (I have been on a hiatus from doing readings due to a need for more shadow work.)

If my theory is correct, it means my worst demon at this point is fear.  Also - I had contemplated the root chakra's health, and that chakra's complications often have to do with fear and concerns about personal survival, so perhaps what I was interpreting is all related somehow, in the end.  I am still trying to refine everything with my spiritual technology to get to even higher levels of perception, so downloads can only present or interpret so much, when they happen, and calling upon them doesn't always allow for the finest results.

If it turns out the worst problem I have been having is fear, knowing I have tamed other demons like anger and boredom (mostly), then it gives me great hope that the answer to my mental health woes is to just concentrate on that intention, and to keep experimenting with prayer.  I'm hopeful, prayers have already shaped me in other ways, I know mystical contemplative prayer works for self help, once the right spiritual doorway has been opened.

-Saraƒin

My experiences when working with angels...

Recently, I became aware that spirit presence I was sensing is in fact at least one angel, perhaps a couple.  I often sense loving, androgynous figures - I don't see them, rather, they come through sometimes while channeling.

It is interesting when I work with oils, anointing myself with them - while praying, I can feel when something is spiritually reacting, because the most lovely shiver runs through my spine, like laughter and passion.  This seems to happen when I use oils and perfumes while praying to the angels, but not with other sources.  (There have been times when I have felt surges or rushes while experiencing a spiritual reaction, but with angels, it's an especially brilliant sensation.)

I am back down to 80 mg of Latuda again - 120 mg was just too high, and my mind began to feel uncomfortable in a brain foggy kind of way.  I compromised with 80 mg, and plan on revisiting 60 mg in half a year, as I was fine on that dose for the longest time.  I should consider another blood test to get my iron checked at some point, now that I have been taking iron supplements for over a month.

I have figured out what bothers me so much about mental hospital wards - they are like strange prison camps to me, because I know my diagnosis is incorrect.  Since this part of the world can't validate spiritual emergency as a literal diagnosis that is different from other labels that have been suggested, I struggle with the minds that are in charge of my case, and I feel at their mercy in some ways, fearful of growing older, without them ever understanding what the hell happened to me.  So, I insist on curing myself, God willing, so I can avoid the humiliation of geriatric psychiatric care.

Finding the cure to my woes is my primary goal these days... I hope to meet it in good time, and know better health.

-Saraƒin

Took a brief hiatus, now I'm back...

I was getting to the point where I had to focus solely on kicking anxiety's ass, and getting my sleep patterns back on track, and I didn't want anything to interfere with my writing on here in the meantime.  So, to play it safe, I took this down for a while to sort things out.  I may do this periodically when I just feel like going underground... everyone who knows me knows I find the internet unnerving, even though I use it enough with social media.  I just find vitriol seems to be permeating a lot of things these days, and I want no part of it, as I recover from the traumas of spiritual emergency, and of being a psychiatric abuse survivor.

The latest from CAMH is that I no longer meet the criteria for schizoaffective disorder, the idea I was schizophrenic has been abolished, nor could I have been bipolar... but there's a stupid side to this good news.  They are now classifying me as having Schizotypal Personality Disorder, which I suppose is because of how highly mystical I am, because I certainly am not terribly eccentric beyond that and my creative presentation, I have plenty of friends, am good with people, don't have social anxiety, and have a brilliant heart.  It's not a strong case at all, probably hastily diagnosed, and once again I cannot identify with it.  (I suppose this less common diagnosis is one they might give a shaman when trying to classify a type they can't possibly understand, I have a feeling this code might be abolished one day, rather like other dated mental disorders in the DSM.)

If people were terribly concerned about me, they should know I have been through a lot, I have been through things rejected as mere Catholic horror flick lore, something that would kill many, and I am trying to dust myself off and walk away.  My ego is pretty strong, my self feels great, but my subconscious is a mess of suffering, and creeps over me sometimes, particularly at night.  I hope to get over this someday, and am trying many techniques to combat it.  I don't want to try ECT anymore, I was hoping it could clear how my subconscious has felt, but now I am trying gentler approaches.  I don't want to suffer like this anymore and sometimes I contemplate suicide, but I truly want to live, I just want to age well and one day die with dignity.  Turning 40 makes me contemplate these things a little more, when I consider what my life has been thus far.

My pain with evil spirit was real, I live in agnostic hell, and I know people mean well but they can't understand, and for that I am lonely.  God bless all those who at least try to get it, and can emphasize.  I try to surround myself with love through friends like this.

-Saraƒin