Wednesday, 29 January 2020

"Our Lady of Guadalupe" painting...

My first painting in eons - don't judge!

I got a piece of art started in art therapy the other day, then touched it up on my own just now.  This is kind of a folk Catholic, Mexican style piece in acrylics, namely in the primary colours.  I like doing psychedelic lines in my art so Our Lady of Guadalupe, with Her flaming aura, was bound to be an icon I'd tackle one day.  It felt therapeutic to paint again.  (BTW, She's crying here as my life right now leaves something to be desired.)

I might be discharged tomorrow, not sure yet.  They had to raise my meds to 60 mg again... I guess I'll be at this level for a while.  Because of the psychological torture in my brain from the entity for so long, it took its toll on my neurology, I suppose, and I just can't go as low as 40 mg right now.  Kind of a bummer.  Again, this was not a psychotic break, just a time of odd psychic input, and a rest that I desperately needed.  My mind is prone to anxiety and tears because of how funny my neurology can be, so I needed to get away from the outside world, too.  No voice hearing or anything - I don't think even psychiatry can consider it a kind of "schizophrenia" anymore.  They are certainly not using that language now.  What a relief.

More to come upon my discharge.


Monday, 27 January 2020

Gifts from others...

Hello, sinners -

I have received some lovely Catholic gifts from two visitors while here - displayed here is a picture of them.  One is a green St. Jude rosary and a St. Jude bracelet, both from Mexico from one friend who frequents that part of the world, the other is a pink icon bracelet from another friend.  Lovely to have these items here!  The staff confiscated my St. Benedict medal crucifix because of its chain... bummer.

Yesterday, while one guest was here, I was straining a bit to have a conversation... my mind feels slightly slow.  They haven't adjusted meds yet, so I guess that's a neurological shift happening.  I feel vulnerable and am not ready to leave.  Not feeling "psychotic" - no voice hearing or anything, just weird premonitions that may or may not prove to be true later.  We'll see.

For now, enjoy these cute religious fuck-ups I committed as a child:

- When I was a toddler, my parents decided to try the religious life with me with a trip to a local Anglican cathedral, where a bishop was presiding that day.  This was around the time Pope John Paul II was touring Canada, so I would always say to my mother (an ex-communicated Roman Catholic) "MOM - the Pope show is on!" if something was on TV.  So when the old white man with the funny hat and the crook came down the aisle in the Anglican cathedral, I stood up on the pew in my pretty Sunday best and shouted at the top of my lungs "IT'S THE POPE!".  Everyone roared, including the bishop himself.  My parents never tried taking me to service again, except for funerals and weddings.

- Buying into that "you can achieve anything that you set your mind to" shit kids are peddled all the time, I had heard of Jesus and his miracles at 2 years old and decided to give walking on water a shot.  So, at a swimming pool, I went to the deep end, took a stride, and went straight to the bottom.  Dad had to dive in to save me from drowning.  It took me many years to finally learn how to swim because of how traumatizing that event was.

- There were a lot of Mormon ads from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, but I always heard it as "Bladder Day Saints".  My mother had to correct me on this because I kept talking about the "Bladder Day Saints" commercials and it was making everyone roar.

- Some Jehovah's Witness pamphlet came our way with an extremely bloodied Jesus hanging on a cross, but the depiction looked a lot like my father, who was also a bearded man.  So I was rather horrified and said "What did they do to Dad?!  He's hanging on a door!"

There's probably more but these are the most prominent examples that come to mind.  I was a really cute weirdo as a child.  xD

No idea how long I am in hospital, I am playing it by ear.  If this neurology shift continues, it could mean a while.  Just going to play it by ear.  I'm finding it very hard to psychically read anything today.  I was warned of this as well.  :(


Thursday, 23 January 2020



Another premonition came true!  I am now in a psychiatric unit in a general hospital.  I am happy I am getting more psychic, I am disappointed it had to play out this way.

On Tuesday night, as I was trying to sleep, I kept getting roused awake by something, and was urgently advised to call for assistance.  So I dialed 911, very nervously, and had to deal with a shitty operator.  Two cops came and escorted me to CAMH (no handcuffs this time - too bad, the blonde pig was rather attractive!) and I was voluntarily admitted.  The ER was pandemonium and it took a very long time to get my own gurney to lie on - this is getting much worse with time at the CAMH ER.  Some of the raunchiest men cussed and cussed and I got no sleep for 48 hours.  I had the choice of waiting up to several days in the ER for a room on the CAMH Women's Ward, or to go to another hospital.  So I chose to accept the bed elsewhere.

This ward ain't the prettiest but the staff are quite nice and it's less oppressive than other mental wards I have been on.  I went because of a looming feeling of something coming, a sense of dread, and the worry of being alone with what I sensed.  It seems psychiatry is actually listening to me more - they are not shooting down my theories, they seem to acknowledge my ideas a bit better.

I think Spirit wants me to be in here for something that is coming.  Not sure if it's an altered state where I'd be vulnerable without help or what - I guess we'll see if this is a false alarm.  The Anglican Druid is coming tomorrow with snacks and a pair of headphones, which I didn't bring.

Hospital Hack: Order the Halal food instead of standard meals because it's slightly better food!


Tuesday, 21 January 2020

The latest...

"Passions" intro: Because my life is a trashy soap opera!

I've tidied my apartment, paid the monthly bills like a good Taurus on top of her finances, and have prepped myself for the possibility of a hospitalization coming.  I keep getting that there's something just around the corner, and it might have to do with me experiencing Christ's passion in a psychic sense.  No idea if this is going to prove to be true, or if I am just going to look foolish on here making this post, but I've had some weird signs.  For one, I kept seeing CAMH reps everywhere doing the marketing thing, and though I have had a good time telling them off for trying to get money out of me after CAMH did a bunch of shit to me in the past, it's grown worrisome.  Even stronger was when I glanced at a random license plate and the first four characters were "CAMH"!  So, I am just preparing myself in case anything happens.

I will say that there's this underlying sense that "something" is coming, though as a mind I cannot know what... I can only channel to try and see how accurate the information proves to be.  I'm not going to share all the details of what the channel has to say, but if a good story comes of this, you'll hear about it, sinners.

Went to the cathedral for mass and the rosary, and felt moved.  Something is happening, be it subtle or grandiose.  My finger keeps drawing the cross, and my channel reassures me.  There is still something rather dark in me it seems, but it is more of a burden than a torment, it's so mild compared to what it was, it doesn't even feel truly dark per se... rather, it's just a mild discomfort in my soul.  It creates confusion in channel, thus leading me to backtrack time and time again on my insights, for they jump about because of this.  I am also lead to believe this burden is lifting soon.  My hand drew a dagger, then twisted it, as if to suggest a killing blow, so perhaps that time is upon me.

More to come, sinners - be I on the inside or out.


Tuesday, 14 January 2020

A rather unfortunate "premonition"...

God, I miss "Duckman"!

Hey, sinners -

I had to call my pharmacist this morning and ask to be raised back to 60 mg of Latuda due to some slightly spooky channeled messages I have been getting since last night.  They're not threatening, they're warning me of the possibility of a hospital stay on the horizon, so to try to avoid this, I thought maybe 60 mg is a dose I should stay on a bit longer.  But the more that comes out, the more it seems that hospitalization might be unavoidable.  The good news, based on this information, is that it means a progress in my consciousness (ultimately) - something in my neurology might be shifting, but that means a vulnerable state could be coming, so I would need to be in a safe environment.  Toronto is a busy city, I am downtown, and I live alone in a one bedroom apartment.

I have no idea if this is truly a premonition or just psychic noise, but I am being cautious anyway.  I have a tendency to self-harm lightly when I panic - I don't self-harm to punish myself, and I don't do anything damaging.  Rather, I smack myself around and I choke myself a little until the Spirit pulls my hands away from doing so.  It's an old behaviour pattern from a rough childhood that has been hard to curb, especially when my soul was in turmoil.  Because of this, and because of my living situation, I might need to check in if something goes funny with my ego.

I have read that certain seekers at higher levels experience a kind of "ego death" or something that can literally, for some, feel like dying, and Spirit says He wants me safe.  I guess I might be approaching the Seventh Mansion of the Castle of the Soul, as St. Teresa of Avila would put it, if this sort of thing is what I think it is.  Unfortunately, because I can't be in a peaceful place in the country where life is simple, CAMH might have to suffice.  I just hope that, if this is actually something to pay attention to, those idiot doctors don't just crank up the meds and ignore everything I have to say.  I am not impressed with psychiatric medicine in Toronto, and CAMH seems to think that any unusual psychological state MUST mean an illness, and not necessarily growing pains.  So stupid.

In the meantime, I am going to watch myself and not busy my mind too much.  I had a rough night for sleep last night, and was slightly fearful.  My emotions have also been slightly odder than usual.  Otherwise, things are fine, and I don't believe this has to do with any demon.


UPDATE: I decided to go back down to 40 mg in case this is a false alarm.  If hospitalization does happen, so be it.  Not like I'm not used to it at this point.  I have been fine on 40 mg since before Christmas... I don't want to spoil my progress now because of some random channeled message.  Besides, if this is about consciousness shifting, it might be better that I ride it out with the lower dose for the sake of my brain adapting to change.  We'll see what happens... here's hoping it's just the subconscious babbling nonsense again.

Saturday, 11 January 2020

How to be psychic when you're not psychic...

I just wanted to make a quick post as a common suggestion I give to non-psychics on how to attune their intuitions.  It's good advice I have heard many times before, and have found relevant to myself even now, so I'll create an article about it:

The expression "go with your gut" is a common one, and for good reason - it's sound advice.  Have you ever felt a sharp pain in your solar plexus area, or a sense of something strong, as a reaction to an event?  That's an area of consciousness in you reacting strongly to something, urging you, or warning you, so you can know to proceed properly.  While the egoic monkey mind can trick and confuse, the gut doesn't lie.  It may not be clear to a beginner what your gut is trying to say, but pay attention when you feel it.  That is your soul speaking to you.

If your gut is "screaming" at you with a sensation, it might be miffed with your deeds or actions, or urging you to take action.  If you are drawn to something in a powerful way, then you are being called to follow the will of your soul, and you should not ignore it.  For example, when I randomly met the man who has become a psychic mentor, my gut made me strongly fascinated by him, and urged me to contact him when I could - that was not the egoic mind deciding this because he seemed cool, the gut was commanding it.  When being warned of danger or trouble, my gut reacts with a strange stabbing feeling, urging me to back away.

(The trouble with having a demon in me was that I could no longer interpret the gut as well, and made stupid decisions, not being able to "hear" the will of the soul, because of the demon's abilities to manipulate me on many levels of consciousness.  But fortunately, most of us won't have to face what I did.)

Focusing on the navel centre in your mind is a good way to start when you are trying to concentrate on this area of the psyche - don't be afraid to navel gaze.  What do you feel?  How do you react to things?  Try to ignore the thoughts that enter your mind if you are a beginner psychic, and pay more attention to sense in other ways.  The Ajna (third eye) is a tricky chakra until it's grounded and strong, and can make people a little strange for a while, but the gut, provided it's healthy, won't steer you wrong.  (It is my understanding that there is even a kind of second brain in the stomach, which is why the gut is so important to listen to - this is another centre of perception we Westerners don't consider when making a move.)

Some good prayers I uttered to Metatron came out of reading the Bhagavad Gita and the Upanishads and considering the Ego vs the Self.  A book on Kabbalah suggested that the Ego "makes a good servant but a terrible master", so I prayed to Metatron that my Ego serve my Self, and that seemed to help unlock something with my ability to interpret what the soul truly desires.  Now, I know not to stir the pot too much in life if things are in check, even if my lifestyle is a bit bland and simple by capitalist standpoints. 

A simple life is what I need right now to achieve the kind of mind I seek - too much of a good thing means too many cooks spoil the broth, which is why I don't want to change much about my life's structure immediately.  My gut says I am doing ok.


Thursday, 2 January 2020

New year, new Pet Shop Boys album...

Kind of a silly post, but I am a Pethead and I want to mention this anyway:

There is a new Pet Shop Boys album coming out later this month - "Hotspot".  Though the album title sounds like my childhood pet Siberian Husky's skin condition ("hot spots"), two of the tracks I have heard have been really good bangers, and I think there's gonna be a strong 70s disco vibe to this one.  ("Super", their last effort, which came out in 2016, was more 90s sounding, and is my second favourite Pet Shop Boys album, after "Very", which came out in 1993.)

"Dreamland" was the original single from "Hotspot", and has a decidedly catchy vibe, but my favourite so far is "Monkey Business", which came out today.  Here it is:

"Monkey Business" - Pet Shop Boys

"Burning The Heather" is the other track recently released - a bit of a dull ballad for me, I miss the days of the "Behaviour" era for Pet Shop Boys ballads, and they will never top "Being Boring".  At this point I want them to stick with bouncy club music, which they still do so well, but that's just me - or perhaps do something else as epic and symphonic as the "Battleship Potemkin" soundtrack, which I sometimes like to listen to even more than "Very".  The Pets sometimes get unfairly written off as two aging has-been pop queens, but they have actually contributed some fantastic music and influences to pop in general, and are both highly intelligent men.  Many don't get their irony or their style of camp, which is a high brow kind of camp that is flippant but also clever.  Late to the pop world, starting their careers well into their 30s, one was an architect, and the other was a magazine editor and worked for Marvel Comics Britain before they met randomly in an electronics shop and became pop musicians.  I think they don't have as much success in the US as they once did because of how profoundly gay they are - this is not so much a conflict now with LGBTQ+ being more socially accepted these days, but being both old and gay slots one into a niche that doesn't seem to fit with what Americans want in the Top 40.  Elsewhere in the world, however, they are still topping charts.

I hope this album satisfies my ears as much as "Super" did - I will definitely be buying it the day it comes out!