More on the Orishas...

Since my heart centring experience the other day, I have had more insights about the Orishas.  While it seems that Yemaya is my primary Orisha, one who was calling to me through dance, downloads, and visions of water, there are a handful of others I have probably worked with as well.  I remember a vision of Ogun and a download warning me that there was still spiritual residue to clean up to avoid the loss of my soul, I smoked a cigar to Shango, and later found that wearing Shango's eleke helped to lift me out of something negative while on the train to my mother's on December 24th, 2024.  Just last week, I channeled Eleggua.  I am currently focusing my prayers mostly on the Orishas of the 7 African Powers, and am collecting oils and items that can add to my Orisha shrine.  Two more elekes are on their way in the mail - Oya and Olokun.  I feel called to the Orishas by my guides, while other sources I experimented with have been a dead end.  I still feel a great rush of protection when I drape the elekes around my neck.

Now that I am reading books again, it's time to do more research - I have mostly been using apps and the web to study the Orishas, but what I really need is a nice reference book on them.  I don't feel like I have come across the right book just yet in stores, perhaps I will order one from online.

Sleep is much better - except for two nights ago, when I had to take an Ativan, I have been getting rest without sleep aids.  I think this has to do with quitting alcohol.  I don't mind drinking non-alcoholic beer at the bar, I love the taste of a crisp, refreshing beer, and I had to really pound back many to get tipsy at all, so a couple of the non-alcoholic variety feels no different from what I normally used to drink.  I might have a bit of wine at the monastery in August, but this new pattern continues.  Clearly, I didn't have a drinking problem, if it's been this easy to put it down.  Phew!

-Saraƒin

The heart...

I got out of my sadness yesterday with another trip to the local park.  Sitting under a tree with my portable speaker, tarot cards, and spirit notes, I contemplated what my soul needed for the day.  As I was engaging in some spirit writing, my hand printed "you need to take Mother Earth into your heart", which is not something I had thought to ask for before.  I knew that the goal of kundalini is that Shakti reside in the heart after Her ascension  up the spine, but the kundalini felt stuck at a certain higher level, where things grew fascinating, but not satisfying.

I took a pinch of tobacco from the baggy that I carry with me, and offered it to the soil, asking that the Earth Mother "reside in my heart, through the kundalini or otherwise".  A download suggested that something powerful was happening, and my sorrows began to lift.

Today, I still feel much better - it feels like my channeling is a bit cleaner, and something in the mind might be relaxing.  I have to see this stage of growth through, but I might have solved something.

I have been very good about abstaining from alcohol consumption - I have had the occasional alcohol-free beer, but that's it.  My body is already starting to feel better, I plan on sticking to this.  Maybe I'll enjoy a drink now and then, but this is the new normal.

-Saraƒin

Fatigue...

Though psychologically I am feeling much better, the physical symptoms of PTSD remain strong.  Whatever that entity did to my brain, it means weariness and muscle aches, especially when I lie down to rest, or wake up in the morning.  I feel like an old woman in a middle aged woman's body.

Something happened to the structure of my psyche when the entity entered me - now it seems my ego is something else, not quite as it was, it shaped to be in constant channel, unable to turn away from self study.  The darkness is lifted, but doubt is my enemy.  There is no way I could be a student, or take on meaningful work under these conditions - I am disabled with a mystery illness, one not found in the DSM V, it would require a brilliant specialist to figure out what I have and what I need, and doctors don't tend to validate the presence of spirits, or understand what they can do to a mind.  I am at the mercy of circumstance where there is no care, because they keep getting me wrong, so I choose not to ask for help at all.  It's daunting, but it's my reality, I must rely only on myself, and any act of kindness others might show me.  In my experience, the squeaky wheel does not get the oil, it gets smacked around.  I don't believe in asking for assistance, I insist on presenting as though all is well, it earns me greater respect from the community.  If help comes my way and it makes sense, I accept it, but I tend not to ask for anything, unless it's a small favour.

I just had another art show - no sales again means I am fretting how I must look to the art world, I feel like a rather average illustrator, there are so many brilliant technicians that surround my silly creations.  I am lost in a sea of work that I can't compete with, having never completed my art education, because money was too tight, and my mind too frail.  I wonder - when they cremate me, will they throw out all of my paintings?

I am trying not to be too negative, but today is just off to a bit of a rough start.  I haven't felt terribly inspired creatively in a while, and am wondering if I have any talent at all.  

I think I need a break from art and art shows until my muse comes back, if she matters.

-Saraƒin

More musings from my experiments with magick...

I became a bit self-conscious about articles like these, wondering if I was nattering on about things I would later regret.  Some were taken down, because of my tendency to shy away from self promotion, and my dislike of putting myself out there, for fear of ridicule.  But now, I am feeling a bit bolder, and want to continue discussing magickal things.  Here are some other ideas I have, after years of experimenting with spirituality:

- Be present as the mystic before you take on the role of the magician.  In my case, I had to establish a foundation with Lord Jesus Christ as my personal saviour and guide, and with that, I began to nail what I needed to be as a person, and as a Christian, and then, it seemed I was allowed to open certain occult doors.  A lioness began to appear, both as a vision and as an astral skin, and I came to understand Her as Sekhmet, learning She was my patron deity for magick.  The message seems to be, if you are allowed an occult door, you should follow through with it, but do not force anything.  It is not real power if you have not earned it.

- Watch for signs that demonstrate your current relationship to the heavens, based on your interactions with others.  When things are calm and stable, that's a very good sign.  When things get difficult, relax, and trust that heaven can help you.  Even if the situation feels impossible, heaven may still come to your aid to at least comfort you, if you keep cultivating that relationship with it.  Being a mystic means being friends with God, so keep establishing that friendship.

- Don't be afraid to be obsessive about your spirituality - the more you put into it, the more you get out of it.  It's like practising anything, really - magick takes great dedication to get anywhere as a magician, so keep doing rituals, keep calling in Spirit, and meditate often.  Pray constantly.  Make shrines that represent your soul.  Make it a lifestyle, and don't let a single day pass where you don't engage in it somehow, if possible.

I think that's it for this list - I'm drawing a blank on what else to say.  I feel I have recently reached a slightly more interesting level, and my subconscious is relaxing more.  One thing I discovered is that my shadows were still playing with me, confusing me about my spiritual health.  It came over me to pray that the shadows are to serve me, not fight me, so I am waiting to see the results of that.  I suppose they got really strange because of the effects of possession - I am now free of that horror, but the subconscious still needs to relax.

2025 has been my best year for healing, so far.

-Saraƒin

Things I have learned from experimenting with magick...

Well, I might be repeating myself with this post, I talked a bit about some spiritual musings many years ago, but things have changed again, so I want to make a list of lessons I feel I have learned from refining my magickal practice, something that was born out of a Christian foundation I took on to solve a rough spiritual awakening, modified with eclectic practices and ideas:

- Don't rely too heavily on superstition.  I don't buy that you need to obtain specific tools, such as certain coloured candles, or magickal sigils, to create your desired spiritual result.  Any candle will do - what you need is will, power, talent, permission, and the presence of Spirit - the candle simply represents your intention.  I have used tea lights, even, for some fascinating results.  While I do like those big fancy occult prayer candles as much as anyone else, the glass creates too much environmental waste, so I tend to just go to Dollarama for my candle supplies.  A white candle is just as effective as any other candle colour for any intention - wax colour or shape doesn't matter.  But it is fun - I'm just recommending that you save your money, and the environment.

- Talismans only work when they have to - this goes for crystal magick as well.  A Benedict medal crucifix was active as a talisman for me as long as I had a dark spirit affecting my life, but later... it was just ornamentation.  Holy water, too, only had power when it was needed to fight evil.  If you are taking on a talisman for something indulgent, it is unlikely to be effective, because the Spirit doesn't care about what you want, if the Spirit doesn't want it for you.

- Dark spirit will play with you, convincing you that certain practices and experiences are more relevant than they actually are.  I was played with heavily under the influence of the dark presence, and I wasn't even looking to work with it.  No matter what you think the devil is doing for you, he is a liar, and he will convince your soul of things that are not true.  The ride might be interesting, but it's not worth it.  Holy power tends to be simpler, and does not lie to you.

- Rituals don't have to be terribly complicated to work - try to build the foundation of your practice with the heavens, and you'd be surprised at how effective simple practices can be, when the Spirit agrees.  Do not worry about taking on too many magickal items, or doing things a specific way - while certain plants, for example, can have special properties, and there are definitely principles to working with magick, it's not necessary to collect items that might be superfluous.

- If you work with holy sources, you might still be able to create curses, but if you surrender your magickal will to God, it would only be when He agrees.  Perhaps the dark arts person throws more of this kind of thing around, but the person who has surrendered to God might create the more effective curse, and can only affect those who truly deserve it.  It's also just better for karma if you only work under God's permission.

I'll come up with more later, as I think of them - for now, I must prepare for a summer afternoon graveyard picnic with friends!

-Saraƒin

Alcohol and health...

I've decided to try quitting alcohol, or at least to have a dry period, with the intention to only have a drink now and again if and when I do drink, but not like I used to.  I'm challenging myself to avoid even beer, get mocktails when I go out to the bar or clubbing, and find other ways to call in the spirit.  (I still think it did something for me as a practice when I blessed drinks, but enough is enough - I have also put on a bit of weight, have had trouble sleeping, and anxiety is still creeping in, here and there.) I want to save more money, and booze can blow through your funds pretty fast.  This challenge started 6 days ago, and so far, so good - not even one beer, not even one craving.

I have been thinking a lot about aging, now that I'm probably perimenopausal.  I am not so much afraid of crossing over and greeting death, as I am afraid of aging and society's response to being an aging woman, especially being a disabled one in a low income situation.  I fear how medical types will treat me, I fear an aging body and what it will face medically with my levels of PTSD.  I developed a mental hospital phobia because of enough medical mishandling, I now feel I can't trust any psychiatrist to do a good job, and there have been enough nasty nurses and toxic male orderlies to put me off entirely.  Cancer is a big one I fear, three members of my immediate family have had it, and my Dad died of it.  Even small things weird me out - I feel embarrassed by ambulances, like riding in one means I am disappointing everyone, and I don't deserve the attention.  There's something odd about everything I have endured, I don't feel like enough people were there for me in certain situations, and this has taken its toll on the way I feel about medical scenarios.  It haunts me to think about an aging body and what it must face.  I am trying to get back into exercise to shed these extra pounds, and feel better overall.

I long for a stronger male presence in my life - I have male friends, but I don't have enough guys that I can really rely on, no father figures, other than my step father, it's the women who are really strong in my life.  Because of strange encounters with males coming onto me aggressively in the past, I don't trust men as much as I trust women, I long for male attention that is platonic and fatherly.  I'm not sure what this has done to my feelings as a woman, other than my animus must have stepped up in me to be a masculine I needed when men around me were not enough.

I am gradually feeling better overall, but again, this is a long recovery, and I must do it all on my own.  I would need a specialist, but they don't exist.

-Saraƒin

Upcoming art show: "Into The Woods"...

This is my next art show at Super Wonder Gallery - I have three pieces going in - "Cherub", "St Hubert of Liege", and this one:

"The 3 Worlds"

I decided to rename this piece "The 3 Worlds", because it's suggesting the Upper World, the Middle World, and the Underworld.

I might have done a new piece, but I have not been in the greatest of moods for painting as of late.  The theme of this show is fairy tales and folklore, right up my alley - I had to submit for this one!

Once again, these are the other two going in:

"Cherub"

"St. Hubert of Liege"

I'm really looking forward to it!  At least one other friend is involved as well.  Art drop-off day is this Sunday.

-Saraƒin

Reading...

I have to confess, I haven't read a book from start to finish since the death of my father in 2017.  For whatever reason, it's just been a struggle.  This makes me sad, because I used to be quite the bookworm (maybe not like some, but enough that I collected a lot of books, and I certainly had a phase where I read about nothing but mysticism).  It's not that I have lost the ability to read, it's that my mind feels too distracted by contemplating God to consume a book much more than a chapter here or there.

Wanting my love of reading back, I had prayed to get back into it.  Recently, I picked my copy of "The Book of My Life" by St. Teresa of Avila off the shelf, a book that I had started, but never finished.  After reading a few chapters, I found this one an easy, enjoyable read, and was relieved that I could concentrate again.  I love this woman's tone so much - she may be a bit deprecating to womankind in "The Interior Castle" but there is reason for this, argue historians, and it was likely to protect her work, and her life, from inquisitors.

I recently finished a chapter on levitation - I didn't realize the experience hurts the body and soul.  Thinking back to my one experience with a levitating rosary, I remember it did really hurt, like an electric current through the arm, forcing the crucifix portion of the object to float on its own as it dangled from my hand.  In fact, the experience hurt so much, and stunned me with such awe, that I dropped the object in shock.  I wonder how many mystics have experienced holy pain like this, but mysticism isn't always easy, some very painful feelings and psychological states can come over a person as they open to God.  (One of my friends, also a mystic, has had their own share of strangeness.)

I hope that this good sign of being able to concentrate again means reading will continue - I don't watch much TV, I don't have Netflix or anything, video games have mostly lost their appeal, but I really should get back into books.

-Saraƒin