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Tuesday, 26 March 2019

Experimenting with Holy Water...

Holy Water is something I have only used a little bit in the past, when my demon was active.  Though the stuff seemed to deliver a slight reaction when I dabbed myself with it, I gave up on using it, mostly, and turned to other methods like smudge and talismans while I was trying to kill the damn thing.  But now, while I try to clear anything that remains, I am turning to it again, with experimentation, to see what it can do.

Every time I go to a Catholic cathedral, I ritualistically dab myself, sign of the cross style, with it.  I had also purchased one of those plastic bottles for it, like the one pictured here, to bottle my own at a dispenser at the church.  After getting a blessing the other night at a pro LGBTQ+ Catholic mass service I went to, I got a message that I should keep getting blessings every time I am at a service.  In the past, not being Catholic, I would simply sit it out at communion time, while everyone else lined up.  The way to get around this, officially, is to approach the priest with your arms crossed over your chest, to receive a blessing.  So from now on in, whenever I am at a mass, I am going to do that instead of receiving nothing.  Apparently, blessings in abundance might be just what I need.

It's also come to my attention that I have come to a level of spiritual attunement and development where I can just as easily create my own Holy Water, so I am trying this out at home.  (Saves a lot of trips to the church!)  I simply pray to Christ that it be blessed, and it seems to work - I am getting interesting reactions from using it.  I even did it with my bath water, so I could soak in it, which seemed effective... I had interesting reactions throughout my body while I bathed.  Not knowing enough about what Holy Water can do, this is an experimental thing I'm doing right now, to see what it leads to.

I might as well just have every glass of water I consume blessed too - can't hurt!

-Saraƒin

UPDATE: Another symbol I was receiving through automatic drawing, on and off, was a series of waves, suggesting water - it was only yesterday that I figured out it must have been a suggestion to try working with Holy Water!  Now I know!

Smudge supplies...

Here are two significant smudge artifacts of mine, that I wanted to discuss:

The smudge feather was something I decorated myself in a native crafts circle in my community, which is super cool - they have instruction on how to build everything from medicine pouches, to dream catchers, and even drums, baby moccasins, and ceremonial dresses!  The feather was one I came upon one day in downtown Toronto, on a side street (of all places).  Not sure of what bird species had dropped it, I found a site online for identifying random feathers, and it turns out that this was dropped by a red tail hawk!  I found that rather special, the Hawk being symbolic of the Messenger in native spirituality, so I held onto it, and later made this smudge feather out of it.  (BTW, the bead colours don't mean anything specifically... there was just a limited number of colours to choose from at the time, and these were the ones I chose.  Sometimes I make jokes about toothpaste, or the Italian flag, but really... they're just decoration.)

The braid of sweetgrass pictured here is an important item to me now, one which I will never ignite again, for this was the sweetgrass I used when I fought the demon while invoking seraphic assistance to enter me to attack it.  I had found this braid of sweetgrass in the hall of my building, up for grabs with other items, as if destiny had it planned out for me.  It was quite dry, but still effective.  Today, I wrapped it in string to keep it bound, and less likely to fall apart, and now I keep it wrapped in tissue paper for added protection.  Not an item I ever plan on getting rid of, just like how I feel about the transmuted rosary, and other power items.

BTW, here's my recipe for that potent smudge I came up with that drives dark spirits bonkers:

•Mix equal amounts of the following using a mortar and pestle:

-White Sage
-Palo Santo chips (or dust, which is even better for mixing)
-Dragon's Blood
-Copal
-Cedar

•Spoon over a lit charcoal and drive the bad spirits away!

(It sure drove the dark one nuts when I used it on him - didn't kill it, but it had some weakening effect.  I imagine it would be good in other circumstances, too.)

-Saraƒin

Monday, 25 March 2019

An update on the battle with what remains of the demon...

Hey, sinners - I feel positively sinful right now.  I got hit with a horrendous throat infection, and now I feel sore and weak all over, with a fever, as I hack and cough.  I had to go on antibiotics for this - glad I went to a clinic immediately!  I have to take some time off work because I am just wiped with this one.  (I don't think this is related to my voice changing - I would have caught this infection at work on Friday... my voice was already going through changes long before then.)

The demon, whatever it is/was, still presents somewhat as a cartoon devil, but this feels more like a parody representation of itself, rather than the entity talking to me directly - when this thing had in the past spoken to me directly, it was far darker and more intense than this quality presenting now.  There is a lightness and satisfaction to my soul, which tells me, that despite anxieties that creep into the mind, the soul knows things will be ok.  Having worked enough with the soul, I can tell when this level of me is happy and feeling good, and when it's the mind feeling this.  There's almost a kind of blissful glow to how my soul feels right now, which is my reminder that I am probably going to be ok, whenever the mind gets overwhelmed.  The comforting presence of the Spirit, though not always a perfect channel due to interference, also reassures me.

I kept getting those symbols of Godhead through automatic drawing, so today I thought that they might be a sign from the Spirit to pray to open to to the Godhead, to Keter, or to something like that, so I have focused my prayers on that higher aspect of Divinity.  Perhaps higher realms need to be opened up to finish this shit off?  It's still a battle, but not a horrendous one anymore.  I also have taken to wearing my St. Michael medal, blessed to work with the archangel and with my fight with the demon, as well as my Sacred Heart of Jesus medal, hoping wearing these might have some talismanic effect.  It's evident now that I am going to win, it's just going to take some trial and error to clear out the rest of it.  The demon, I don't even think, has true consciousness anymore, and if it does at all, it's pathetically weak.  This is not an intelligent villain anymore... it's a petulant pest.

This stuff moves ahead at a snail's pace, so I will periodically be making updates as I notice change.  This is nothing like it was, even compared to how it was when I first started this blog, when it felt more aggressive.  It's a guessing game as to how something like this is done.  If, at the end of the day, this is just some kind of extended exorcism and I'm only being stripped of it, fair enough.  I'll own it if I in fact killed nothing.  But right now, every time I marvel over the idea that I may be killing something truly vile, I feel as satisfied as a fat house cat with a vole hanging out of its mouth.

-Saraƒin

Saturday, 23 March 2019

My opinion on curses...

I wanted to do an article about a popular thing in certain spiritual practises that is being used against the likes of people like Donald Trump and other corrupt politicians and figures - the curse.  En masse, many witches and practitioners like them have been cursing the Human Cheeto monthly, or whatever it has been, with little to no results evident.  Why can't we get rid of him?  I think it's because, in general - these things don't work at all!

(Some of this information is my gut feeling, much of it is what I have received while attempting to read the Akashic Records - so this may change in time, should the insights be refined as I grow, but let's try something here, with where I am in my development, at this stage.)

It is my suspicion that legitimate curses created by humans are so rare, they almost never happen - one must be so involved with the gods, and the gods must see the need for the curse to exist, for it to be effective.  Because they are so rare, they almost certainly fail when they are done.  One might observe certain things going wrong in the life of the "cursed one" and assume that their curse worked, but this is just seeing results that aren't actually there.  A misconception is that demons can curse people - they can certainly disturb people, but they can't curse them.  Arguably, the only true curses come from deities themselves, and it's when they "curse" a human to perform a certain task to change things in the world.  An example of this would be the classic Shamanic Initiatory Crisis, where a human becomes sick in some way, either physically or mentally, and they must learn to heal themselves, to become a healer or medicine person of some kind for the community.  A saint who has been given a mission from God might also arguably be cursed in some way to become consumed with their task - St. Joan of Arc is an example of this.  Again, getting back to the concept of there being a need, if Spirit deems a need is present, the curse drives said human to fulfill that need.  Perhaps, speaking of need, my demon needed to be destroyed, so it could be destroyed, and that's why it was.

(Also, I want to mention this - the reason that certain people achieve higher degrees of spiritual prowess and power comes down to the requirement that they develop it, so that they may fulfill their duties to creation.  One who simply dedicates their practice to achieving personal power may indeed see results with it, but it will never amount to the same level of power as one who has that natural duty to serve.)

So go ahead, sinner - burn that picture of your ex-boyfriend while listening to Evanescence or whatever it is that makes you feel better about him breaking your heart, cuz it's just gonna be a means of venting to ease the tension, no one is going to actually get hurt by it.  Sometimes, spellcraft can do something, but spells are not the same as curses.  Curses are not what most people think they are.  A true curse is a means of breaking a certain pattern in the world in order to usher in better results.

-Saraƒin

Thursday, 21 March 2019

Talismans...

I have an interesting theory about why some cultures and groups have both a stronger belief in, and greater successes with, talismans, and other sacred items.  I wish to discuss this based on my own usage of them, and the results I have encountered.

There's a frustration in the western world about spirituality - so many are craving it, and yet, they don't understand it.  Things like New Age and alternative religions are on the rise, there is a deep longing that the spiritually impoverished west has, there is a dissatisfaction with the modern world, despite its glitz and convenience.  A natural desire to return to more traditional ways is cropping up, the technological age is proving to be not quite what we had hoped for in some regards.  So many explore paths, often based on practises of societies that follow spiritual traditions, but something is lacking in the results.  Why?  Here's my argument:

Societies that are more traditional in nature as far as culture goes, who have less reliance on technology and other facets of the modern age, have greater needs in ways that the west does not, needs that must be met somehow.  This in turn leads to a greater communal connection to the Spirit, who responds to these needs.  Because the west is as developed as it is, in the way that it is, there is less of this kind of need.  It's not so much that western people are necessarily practising certain rituals the wrong way, it's that without that relationship with the Spirit that more connected communities have, there is less success with the outcomes.  If a need must be met, a sacred item will work - the Spirit responds to that need.  That same item, on someone who does not have that need will not necessarily lead to results.  A sacred item on one person is simply an ineffective item on another, even if it has produced a result on the first person.  This is true for crystals as well - it's not that they're horseshit, it's that they work when they need to, otherwise, they are just pretty rocks.

In the west, because we have so much we rely on in the sciences and technology for our functioning and survival, things that work for our society, there is less of a need to fill, so there is less success with this kind of spiritual practice.  I believe my items were talismans that worked properly for me, because there was a definite need - I needed to fight a dark thing, something sciences couldn't help me with, so they actually worked.  Otherwise, they would have simply been religious items and nothing more, had that darkness not been involved, or had this been an actual mental health issue, and only that.  This is something that, I believe, is lacking in western thought on spirituality, and so the sciences are frustrated that they can't prove this stuff is real or not.  Many atheistic scientists have been turned around as thinkers after living in certain societies for a while, Haiti as an example, once they see what these people experience.  I even think that homeopathy works sometimes, enough people claim it does, but only when there is a true need that other medicines can't fulfill, and when it is done in the right way.

So sorry, bingo lady - Lucky Buddha candle ain't gonna do jack shit at the hall.  But someone may find successes, even in the west, with a talisman of some sort, if there is a deep need that nothing else but the Spirit can fulfill.  It is a connection that is made through the item to the Spirit to fulfill a need, and for whatever reason, must be represented symbolically in a way that makes sense.

-Saraƒin

Wednesday, 20 March 2019

My voice is changing... AGAIN!

My voice is again changing somehow... now I sound a bit like how I imagine this version of Tank Girl would sound (sort of like Lori Petty's version of Tank Girl in a way too - right now, it's slightly higher pitched, scratchy, and playful, but with nice tone too).  I am not sure what the end result of this will be, but something dramatic is changing about it - I hope I sing well again at karaoke tonight.  (I guess I thought of Tank Girl for this voice because I looked a bit like her when I was very slim, in my early 20s, and with a mostly shaved head.  I didn't have her confidence at that time... now I do!)

An update on the residue from having battled dark forces: it's still there, but nothing is really dark about it now... it simply makes the quality of any relevant channeled information less clear, so that the general idea comes through, but is slightly murky with the wrong language to describe details.  There's a silliness, as opposed to a bleakness now... nothing is truly upsetting about it.  It simply is there, is fading, and as it fades, is less obtrusive, and less irritating.  So I imagine, as I had before, that there is little I can do with practice to accelerate the deterioration of this, but be patient.  In my soul, I know I am fine... it is only the mind that is not 100% sure at all times, being impacted as it was by this.  But I'm sure as heck more confident that all will be well than I was before.  I haven't had any panic moments in a very long time, and my desire to put myself down is pretty much gone.  I am still a self-deprecating person sometimes, to some extent, but playfully so, not in a self-sabotaging way.  With this new personality shift, I also have greater ease with frustrations around me.  I do get the sense that the Self is really beginning to take command.

-Saraƒin

Tuesday, 19 March 2019

Why humans are hardwired for religion...

I have this deep rooted opinion that humans, by nature, are religious - in fact, it's needed for them to be satisfied, to survive.  Not so much in the sense that mainstream religion is the answer, only that the need for healthy religion is apparent, and, especially in this day and age, it is needed moreso than ever.

An atheistic or agnostic person will unconsciously still seek out experiences that mirror religious practice, even if there is no association made with spiritual usage - one might tattoo or ornament their bodies in some way, collect items that have significance, consume substances to experience altered states, dance, have certain rituals in their lives, or adopt alternative lifestyles to fulfill a need or purpose.  This is a bit deeper than just things that humans like to do, it's pretty necessary that they exist for humans to survive, adapt, and grow.  Societies that rely on spiritual practice understand this well.  Humans crave religious practice, even if they aren't religious themselves - there is a need to supplement somehow, kind of like a vegan who enjoys veggie-based meat products, or a lesbian who uses a strap-on.

It seems that the caveat of the Age of Reason, where much of humanity took on a more atheistic approach to understanding existence, deciding that after death there is no more, was that there was a desire to create a sort of "Heaven on Earth" scenario, in which everyone became driven to live like kings, thus birthing things like capitalism.  But the Earth herself cannot sustain this lifestyle for all, considering the number of humans in existence, so it exhausts her.  If religion, when done properly, was adopted more universally by the world, the understanding that there is more that lies beyond this mortal plane would, in my opinion, lead to less desire to "have it all", in the material sense, on this plane, because satisfaction would come of connection to Spirit, and the joys that this connection brings.  One does not need material riches so much, when they have spiritual ones.

Fortunately, there seems to be a rise in more Earth-based religions as of late, the desire to serve and know the Goddess is on the rise, the rejection of the Patriarchy that has corrupted great religions like Christianity is playing out in the exploration of what more Pagan-esque style spirituality can bring.  Unfortunately, I see that many get things a bit wrong - there is an idea that the Devil is a sly rebel, one who thinks for himself, an impish trickster - what could be more "badass" than rebelling against God Himself?  But the Devil is not true punk - he is in fact a kind of conformist in the worst sense, he has corrupted our connection to the Shekinah, he has corrupted religion, he has brought anger and hatred and madness to the forefront of human thought and emotion, butchering the connection humanity had with its ties to nature itself.  He is so clever, people get him wrong, assuming he IS nature, assuming he would "get" them, so things like Satanic religious cults are cropping up a lot lately, with the wrong ideas, and it concerns me as to what will happen to those who adopt these practises who actually see results from them.  Satan is not nature... the Goddess is nature.  She needs to be listened to, the Devil needs to be rejected.  When people turn to cursing corrupt politicians with practises of some of these paths, they are fighting fire with fire... it does nothing.  Because it does not serve the Devil to remove a bad man from power, the curse fails.  This is not how Spirit operates.  Satan will never reward those who are good... he makes kings out of fools.

Also, something else that is unrelated to this subject matter that I wish to say something about, that I feel compelled to do, something about a character in my comic, from "The Psychosis Diaries":  Plant Mick, I know you are a good person.  My frustration is not with you as a human being, but with an understanding that I am missing based on a lack of communication.  So please understand I know you are a fine individual, the anger I have displayed in the past comes from confusion and sorrow, nothing more.  :)

-Saraƒin

Monday, 18 March 2019

Actually...

It's not quite Wisconsin-esque nerd girl goofball that my voice became... it's Sandi Griffin from Daria.  I had to do an entire shift at work with a nasal-y sexiness that was awkward but very cute... then I went to karaoke.

By the time I arrived, my voice had basically reverted to a more standard sounding version of itself.  I tried my hand at some diva tunes ("Deeper and Deeper" by Madonna, "Finally" by Ce Ce Peniston, and "Money Money Money" by ABBA), and was amazed at how much better I was able to sing them.  (I used to be a terrible singer, and with practice I became a mediocre one... I am much better at rapping.  But tonight, I had better range, more strength in my voice, and more control of my vocal cords.)

I didn't mention this on here, but there was a prayer I had uttered rather recently, to the Goddess, to improve my singing capability.  Were these strange vocal fluctuations something changing in my vocal capacity?  Time will tell, I suppose.

Anyway, here is the Sandi Griffin voice, if you want to know how quirky I sounded - this is literally what my voice was, at least for a time:


Not sure if the Sandi Griffin voice is my new voice or not, if it's going to switch back again, or if it's just a weird phase in something shifting, but the weirdness continues!  Never a dull moment, really.

-Saraƒin

UPDATE: My analyst confirmed that as the Self begins to present itself in an individual, this can affect speech in some ways as well.  So there's that to consider too.

Sunday, 17 March 2019

Now my voice is changing altogether!

Oh shit... my voice is getting very peculiar now, as something of the Self comes forward - what on earth is next?!

I sound like some kind of Wisconsin-esque goofball nerd girl... it's endearing, however, it's very quirky, and pretty jarring to me that this happened.  I sounded nothing like this before.  First, the cadence and wording changed, now there's a nasal quality to my voice and something of the delivery that is very different.  I am really not sure what to make of this - I feel very much more connected to my Self, am far more confident, but this new voice sounds quite ridiculous to me, and I don't know how others will respond to how I sound.  I talked to a friend today who runs a shop, and after a few sentences, he passed me a tissue box, assuming I had a cold.  Am I truly, at my core, this peculiar?

I read tarot for others this St. Paddy's Day, and the reactions have been interesting.  Seems I either impress, or trigger a strange response... not one of disappointment, but sometimes tears or anxiety.  Am I hitting the nail on the head too well, in a way that's disturbing?  Is this accurate information?  I am not yet consistently confident to be a professional, but often bring my deck to a bar when I go for karaoke.  People sometimes buy me drinks for a reading... it's interesting, to say the least, of what comes of it.

Oh man... this voice!  I hope people don't think I'm putting this on for some strange personality experiment.  This is not the voice I would have chosen... it's rather awkward to get used to, it's got a cuteness but a very quirky quality.

-Saraƒin

A note about slow updates for Asylum Squad...

I know, I know... I am up to my old tricks again - not updating regularly, taking my sweet time with the comic.  Please allow me to explain:

I get a real sense that there is a necessity for me to take my time with the finale, for there is a need for strengthening myself to be sure, but also, in doing so, strengthening the end result of the series.  There is an important policy speech to come that sums up the ultimate message of the comic, and I want to get it right.  Because of the recent breakthroughs in my growth, there is some interesting wisdom coming through, or at least a strength in my ideas, that would allow for greater articulation and understanding of what my comic is truly about.  I have a general sense of what to say, but without this new aspect of my development at the place I want to see it at, that policy speech might not amount to what it could, if I were to take my time with my growth.

So bear with me, it will be completed, it is not going on a major hiatus anytime soon... I just need to see this period through, something is changing in me yet again, and I want it to add to the work itself.

I appreciate your patience, you have been a fantastic audience for allowing me to take my time.

-Saraƒin

Saturday, 16 March 2019

The demon's cartoon network...

Pretentiousness is a quality that has irked me overtime in a powerful way.  It evokes strong feelings that one is being insincere, a pretentious person comes across as not genuine, there is a sense that I am being conned in some way when I see it, and I pick up on it very easily.

Furthering my post about the demon and I and how we argued with one another in the way that we did, I should mention more about the interesting quality that was presented.  It was as though, me being a cartoonist, my journey with this thing was comedically presented to me in my mind's eye as a kind of strange animated television show, which began with a kind of whimsical comedy, but overtime took a stranger turn.

In the beginning, it was a kind of weird "Mel Brooks" kind of experience, where it was as though I heard Mel Brooks' voice telling me that I was the Jewish Messiah (hence where the Henry Chan stuff in Asylum Squad came from) - there was an air of old world cinematic imagery to it, and a playful ode to Jewish entertainment.  (Once, I even had this kind of laugh track throughout an entire day, which would trigger if something odd or funny happened in my life.)  The hilarity and strangeness of it was very amusing, and I was almost, in a way, seduced by it - not being one who can be seduced sexually, the demon found ways to seduce me to do frustrating things using humour.

But, and especially after smoking many cigarettes, the tobacco affecting me in some spiritual way, there were changes to the tone, and a quality of pretentiousness creeped into the feel of the experience.  It had gone from lightness and fun, to a kind of tacky, retro 80s shame, the kind that I feel when I revisit a childhood cartoon that I may have enjoyed as a kid, but see as base entertainment as an adult.  It then went from this strange 80s silliness quality, to something a bit more sinister, like a kind of old style racist cartoon quality, where tobacco smoking could even lead to racist cartoons of Native Americans, which made me feel very uncomfortable in many ways, witnessing it in my psyche.

Something was so strong about how pretentious these visions became, that I was repulsed by them, and felt angry and insulted to behold them.  I would heckle them, like someone at a bad movie.  Sometimes, it was as though my subconscious thoughts were being exploited in this style in my own mind, which was extremely embarrassing and upsetting.  After the assault from the demon, and the ceremonial tobacco smoking, this awfully embarrassing quality changed into a sort of sense that I might have blown something about how the visions came through - there was a decay in presentation, as though perhaps a part of my brain had been affected.  I recognize now that it was not the brain that had become ill, it was something affecting the psyche to produce this illusion.  If a vision came through clearly enough at all, it was like a quirky kind of not-very-well-made thing, as though coming from a low budget animation studio, as though composed by amateurs.

Antipsychotics, as I have said before, were the answer to coping in the world with this going on.  Sometimes, some beauty would come through, as though the Spirit was encouraging me to hang in there - those visions, also cartoon like, often enough, were much more beautiful and inspiring, and were kind of what I needed to feel that there was goodness involved as well.  I could sense when it was the demon speaking to me this way, by picking up if there was anything pretentious there - if it was him, there was something off about how the experience presented, a vision might look beautiful, but there was an insincerity to what it was about, or some quality to the tone, that suggested nothing of it meant anything.  That was my means of gauging whether something was of Divinity, or something sinister.

Now, any trace of this phenomenon seems to be fading completely.  I am now considering that nothing of this was true active imagination, but something more peculiar than even that.  If I reach a state when I can truly understand, I may be able to explain it better later.

-Saraƒin

Friday, 15 March 2019

My cadence has changed!

There are indeed some powerful shifts at play in me, as was predicted by the channel recently, when I was at Celtic Liturgy.  The Friday following that event when the channel opened up and spoke to me, I began to feel interesting sensations in my head, which were only slightly distracting while attempting to do my shift at work that evening.  What followed was a stream of finer information when utilizing the tarot to psychically open, which may still not be the finest information, but there was a degree of wisdom and advice to its quality, as though some facet of me that may have been dormant is now opening up.  Perhaps the Crown aspect of consciousness is at play in this on some level... something is happening in my brain, and I am fascinated to observe it.

Now I can open to pose questions about various subject matter, and fascinating insights come of the questions I pose.  There's a quality to my cadence that is very different from what it was, I observe it, and so did my analyst when I saw him yesterday.  It's as though I have a stronger grasp of various concepts, and a better way with words when presenting my ideas, and it flows more freely, in a way that makes greater sense.

One prayer I had uttered to Metatron very recently, that I may or may not have mentioned on here before, was for a change in my personality that it may reflect, and be more like, my Self.  Perhaps this, among other things, is a result of this request.  There is a very acute nature to this change, one I can feel, as though a physical sensation, and a quality to my understanding of things, as both channel and contemplation conjure ideas, that is richer than it was before.

So this post is simply an update on what I had mentioned in my Ash Wednesday post, that what I described was not mere hyperbole, but in fact a true premonition of a change that was to follow.  As it changes again, which I sense it will, I will expand on what becomes of it.

-Saraƒin

Wednesday, 13 March 2019

The relationship dynamic between the demon and I...

It's worth discussing how absurd the battle between my demon and I became, because it's a great story, and if I do indeed make a comic of this someday, I should have some documentation in some way of the tone of this relationship.

The demon, as I have mentioned before, presented as a kind of cartoon devil in my psyche, often as a sly sort of Anton LaVeyan kind of trickster, with a goatee and red skin, the kind of thing you often see in hot rod art.  For whatever reason, he was presented mostly in a series of cartoon show style visions, that I couldn't shut down in my mind, that thankfully it seems the Spirit made more comical so I could avoid being too disturbed by them.  Because of this element of comedy, the way he presented and the way I responded became a kind of catty bitch fight between us, at least in the beginning, that can only be described with THIS song:


"Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better"

He would try to flood my mind with embarrassing or strange imagery when I played my "annoying" techno pop (he especially hated the Pet Shop Boys - sacrilege!), stuff that would creep into my psyche.  My way of coping was to mock the shit out of it, in a kind of retaliation, to belittle him, and talk down to him like some nasty auntie of his.  It got to a level of absurdity where he began to find me funny, and we'd laugh together over the absurdity, something he hated doing, because he so despised me, he only wanted to laugh at me.  When I would use self deprecating humour to laugh along with him, this irritated him to no end, and he would groan about it.

As things got worse and the true pain set in, the "fun times" of the catty bitch fight phase transformed into something far more sinister, where he had gained a great deal of control of me, and began a kind of soul torture that again is beyond words, and shouldn't ever be described, some of it was truly filthy.  It took a very long time, much prayer, and the necessity of antipsychotics and several hospital stays (when it got REALLY bad) to eventually get the upper hand again... it was a very bleak time until that happened.  Jesus Christ coming into my life was the true start of the next phase.

After Christ became a factor, this demon started to panic a bit, and worry that the end was coming for him.  He would still try to muck with me, to delay the inevitable, but it only caused me some mild confusion (mostly), and ultimately, he gave up and just began to explain that I was indeed going to kill him.  He showed a fear of me that I thought was trickery sometimes, I didn't get this actually would come to me removing him from existence.  Sometimes, I would yell at my Jesus items, demanding that he take this thing out of my life, but that was only out of panic, not understanding why Christ wouldn't just whisk him away.  God had other plans.

Eventually, towards the end of the 12 and a half year battle, this demon was basically begging me to finish him off.  One of the last things I recall him saying through channel was that he deserved a Darwin award.  Haha - always with a sense of humour, you sly motherfucker.  <_<

So I thought I would just make this post about this quirky kind of hate-hate relationship, that was so over the top and comical it probably deserves to be told in some other format.  I only wish others could have seen some of the humour, but I would not wish the horror upon any person I know.

-Saraƒin

Tuesday, 12 March 2019

My childhood "imaginary" enemy...

Some children discuss having imaginary friends, and many people have speculated that these may in fact be ancestors or friendly spirits that the children can see, at least up until a certain point, and then they are taught to reject their existence, and conform to the world around them.  I had something else, which I probably should discuss, considering the battle with my demon.  I had an "imaginary" enemy.

"Lucy" was someone I supposedly talked about a lot to my parents, she was an angry looking girl with red hair and missing teeth who made me do "bad things".  If I misbehaved in some way, or had an outburst, I would blame this on "Lucy".  Now that I have lived through legitimate demonic possession, "Lucy" is someone I have started to think about on and off.

Having no adult memory of this girl, except the memory of my mother telling me I talked about her as a toddler, it's interesting how this was a factor in my early childhood, and that I would later be confronted through a ouija board by something saying it wanted to kill me.  As a child, I was a sweet, lovely, sensitive, creative person, but riddled with dread, shame, fear, worry, and my childhood wasn't the greatest.  A lot of kids picked on me in grade school, namely because, being sensitive, it was easy to provoke tears in me, and so they would ridicule me in some way to generate this response.  On the very first day of kindergarten, for example, my way of expressing myself to other children was to go up to them and hug them as a means of saying hello, which they found strange, so I was immediately ostracized.  I got a reputation for being too "wimpy" because of my gentle nature, and it followed me until I moved out of the province I was in.  Always, I felt out of sorts, but it seemed even deeper than just the bullying, there was an innate fear in me, and I wonder if "Lucy" was something darker than just an idea.

It's also interesting that my demon called itself "Satan" and "The Devil" and this imaginary red haired girl who got me to act out called itself "Lucy", which of course is like the name "Lucifer".  This just hit me the other day, and my jaw dropped over it.  Was I in fact haunted since birth by something?  Why?  Certainly, when I used a ouija board for the first time at 14, it immediately sprang into action, it didn't need any kind of "warm up" - that's weird too.

I had a bitch phase in high school, where I acted out in a major way, was kind of nasty to others, and very self destructive, and this was only after this ouija board shit.  I didn't feel like my true self at all for a very long time.  This version of me was not real, it was a strange phase that carried into my 20s where I was trying to figure myself out.  It has only been recently that I am getting a stronger sense of my true nature, and that this is still emerging in me - the angry pixie blonde nightmare girl is someone I still punish in my mind, but I know I will come around and forgive her eventually as well.  The child me, I wish to embrace, the teenage me, I might give a swift slap across the face, before doing the same.

I suppose the best tool for figuring out things like this "Lucy" character is my psychic skill with the Akashic Records, because I sure as heck have no memory as to what "Lucy" made me do, or how I felt.  Now, I feel a sense of alleviation, that this darkness must be gone, that any remaining mild strangeness is just some after effect of some sort, and that sooner or later, it too will be gone.

Currently, I am focusing on relaxation, celebration, and betterment.  That seems to be what my duty to myself is right now.

-Saraƒin

Saturday, 9 March 2019

The story of a hat: A weird Akashic Records exercise...

It's getting to be really interesting and comical, the kinds of information I seem to be able to obtain psychically, even about the most mundane shit in the world.  Here's an example from today:

I was in Chinatown, after going shopping for new frames from an eyewear store, and having food at a local cafe, when I popped into one of those strange stores that sells random imported items.  I noticed a very ugly pink baseball cap that said some stuff on it like "Sexy fun time" or some other such nonsense, and immediately wondered who on earth would end up buying such a thing.  For shits and giggles, I opened my mind to the Records, and channeled the message: "Someone who is not sure of what to do with their life".  I snickered so much I had to leave the store before drawing attention to myself.  Here are further details as to the story of this hat, from whence it came, and what is to come of it:

The hat was made in a very bad sweatshop in a country in Asia, perhaps the Philippines, but was shipped to China for distribution, where it then made its way to North America, and then specifically to Canada.  Some guy who is kind of a douche, like a dirtbag guy, is gonna see this cap, think it's cool, and he's gonna buy it because it was only $3.00.  He is a person who is not particularly intelligent, has poor hygiene, and will end up in a homeless shelter, which he ends up getting kicked out of, the hat ends up in a storage box of some kind, and then someone else inherits it.  This person is much nicer, they don't even really want the hat but take it anyway, because even though they hate it, they feel somehow that they need to accept it.  This person eventually gets rid of it.  It goes to a dump, and rots.

So as I grow as a psychic, I guess this is the kind of thing I will do with random objects, scenarios, and people for exercise, and of course for fun.  Not only is this a riveting thing to laugh at, it's good practice.  I have no idea how long it takes people to get to master levels with this, but in the meantime, I might as well have some laughs, regardless of how accurate I am or not.

-Saraƒin

Friday, 8 March 2019

Future life readings...

If my understanding of the Akashic Records is correct, it contains the collected knowledge of all that has ever been, all that is, and all that will ever be.  So, with that in mind, I am now attempting to read the future lives, or at least the karmic patterns, of people I have known.

As a fun experiment (because I certainly was his guinea pig for long enough), let's take my awful ex-psychiatrist as a test subject again and subject him to a karmic reading of what is to come for him:

So in this life, it says he is going to lose someone to suicide, it will shatter him, and it may even cost him the ability to perform his career.  Wow - bye bye to condescending personal lectures and ordering the shoving of needles into the asses of unwilling patients, Dr. Asswipe!  Yikes!  Now, onto the next life...

In the next life, he is a King of Wands type (yet again, because I get that that's whom he is like in this life as well), but with a mental health challenge - interesting irony.  If he listens to his mind more, and solves the problem, his karma improves.

If he does not solve this problem in this next life, he comes back again with crippling psychiatric disease, and is a complete wimp in some way... like a lame duck or something.  Karma is going to play out very strangely for this man... he doesn't seem to know how to get his puck in the net as far as personal betterment is concerned.

The reading suggests that he FINALLY gets to a betterment stage in the third life from now, where he becomes a better person, in the form of a woman.  Pretty stubborn soul, I guess.

So yeah... this is just practice for now.  I am still not aware of how accurate I am with any of this, but what comes of my readings sometimes blows my mind.  So it's up to me to keep trying things out, and seeing where it leads me.

-Saraƒin

Past life readings...

I was very tempted to do a post about celebrity past life readings I have received, but decided ultimately that that would be verging on tacky, and I'm not even sure how accurate I am, or how a famous person would react to some of what I have to say, should they not like the information.  But I will say that when I read my dream mensch, Udo Kier, I found out that he has a tendency to come back as exceptionally beautiful specimens, and was equally gorgeous as a young man in his last life too.  I doubt Udo would have a problem with me saying that!  <3

One of the most joyful schadenfreude moments I got out of this was in reading a former psychiatrist who had seriously wronged me (and had also wronged a friend of mine), is publicly known for being a bastard who doesn't care to listen to what his patients have to say, and who fills the minds he treats with lies about how dangerous it is to ever come off of psychiatric medication, saying it will cause brain damage, even when it is done properly.  In this life, he is a bad shrink, he is an ass - in his last life, he was apparently a vicious serial rapist who murdered some of his victims, and was so sick and disgusting that later in prison, he was murdered by other convicts.  WELL!  I suppose corrupt psychiatrist is slightly better than serial rapist/murderer, but having been under his "care" I can't say it's by much!  ;D

So this is my new party trick, reading past lives now... but I want to be ethical about it.  I am not sure how I could tell a good person in this life that they were an awful person in a previous life, so perhaps it should only be revealed if someone is dying to know.  Spirit now chastises me a little bit about publicly prying into the private lives of others - understandably so... it starts feeding me obvious nonsense, like spinning the cards and talking about things that make little to no sense, or that sound silly.  I guess it's not just a case of growing as one who can actually do this, but of understanding what is ethically just from what is just plain exploitative.  I am a well meaning person, but this is in a way like a new toy that I have yet to figure out - I need to be respectful.  (Yes, I have a naughty streak, obviously!)

I tend to also read about how my day will go - I pull a card to see the vibe of what I'm in for, what I can expect.  Tonight I am bracing myself - supposedly it's gonna be a frustrating shift.  One time I pulled the Moon card for the evening, thought it would apply to the tone of the shift, the shift went well, but later in bed I was feeling anxiety and worry about my station in life, and my psyche.

It'll be interesting to see how accurate I grow overtime.

-Saraƒin

Thursday, 7 March 2019

Divine Love...

Love is a very complex thing for me.  On the one hand, having been harmed physically by several men, having suffered a great deal of heartbreak in life, love leaves me rather embittered when it comes to my relations, particularly with the opposite sex.  I don't expect it to come my way in the form of a significant other - if it does, I will be pleased, but I am trying to prepare myself for a lifetime without a partner.  I am trying to "divorce" myself from the romantic notion that there's a special someone for every person, and one just has to find them... I think that's a lofty idea, and that this kind of love isn't for everyone.  I don't have crushes anymore, but there is still a yearning for a worldly partner, to some extent.  It would be much easier if I could just erase this amorous desire, one which is based more on cravings for psychologically intimate friendships over anything remotely erotic.

However, love is a VERY powerful factor in another way in my life, in a profound sense, one that I think most humans, at least all seekers, desire.  I feel saturated with love from Divinity, something I feel deeply in my soul at all hours of the day.  It's a kind of lightness of being, a tingle, a sense of peace with whatever comes my way, that the universe cares about me and protects me.  I feel this in all places I reside, but especially in sacred spaces, such as churches or the convent.  Hence, why I so enjoy the convent stays, because it's like being immersed in this sensation of Divine bliss.  Sometimes I crave church environments the way a dehydrated person craves water.

It's kind of like a beauty I can't really describe, the same way one would find it a challenge to describe what makes a certain wine fine to someone who has never tasted wine, or colour to one who only sees in black and white.  All I can say is I feel lighter now, and a glowing kind of sensation penetrates me.  This began in my chest through my Christ opening, but now extends throughout my body, as though all over.  There is an ease in living that was not there before, a love of stillness and simplicity, a craving for solitude but also greater joy in the company of others... a desire to share but also to listen more.  (BTW, I may seem rather snarky on here at times because of my foul mouth, but in reality I have a very quiet and subtle nature, which may come as a surprise - I have learned to listen more in conversation.)

When I am alone in my bed, as I have mentioned before, the Spirit supplements my desire for human touch with a caress from my hand, stroking my face, squeezing my other hand, embracing me, as though with the arms of a lover.  This is enough to keep me from getting lonely, when living alone gets to be a little too much.  Perhaps, if I am meant to remain single, this is all I need to get through life.  After all, God's love is eternal, He will never leave me - a lover could cheat or leave, or at least die before I do.

I am also very fortunate to have a great number of good friends and a kind family, so there's that kind of love in my life as well.

-Saraƒin

Wednesday, 6 March 2019

Ash Wednesday...

(This post's title is a bit of a misnomer... I didn't actually make it out for the Ash Wednesday church service today to get "smudged", but I did get to the United Church for their monthly Celtic Liturgy evening.)

So while I was at Celtic Liturgy, sitting next to the Anglican Druid and singing some hymns, I suddenly got the urge to pray to the angels I work with, under my breath, that they work within me, particularly on allowing the mind to open to the soul.  Shortly after saying "amen", a channel of information opened up, and as I walked the labyrinth on the floor, it continued - again, under my breath (I am very discreet about this stuff).

I can't even explain everything it said, in part because it's rather personal to my development, but also because I don't remember it all, but it seemed very important, so I will be monitoring how my consciousness changes as the weeks progress, probably typing out updates on here if I sense anything.  It's like the subconscious has been transforming for a while, and perhaps needed an extra boost to move it along.  Maybe this is the boost it needed.

I have also begun to try reading past lives with tarot and the Akashic Records, and it's interesting what has been said of others through channel.  But when I read myself, it says I never lived before - fascinating.  My Mom was an interesting young man who died in his youth of a strange disease, my Dad was an intellectual scholar, which is funny because in this life as my Dad he hated academia and was a 3 time university dropout (who was still able to rise in the ranks in his field, he was brilliant at what he did).

More updates to come on my development, as things progress!

-Saraƒin

Tuesday, 5 March 2019

Group convent stay!

The next time I return to the Anglican convent, later this year, (probably during the summer) might be as a group getaway, provided the convent guesthouse can accommodate us.

It will likely be four of us - me (a Catholic curious Anglican), an old friend (an Anglican curious Catholic), the Anglican Druid, and a self identified Jewish Princess (I really hope she enjoys herself there - but she truly desires to join us, so who knows).

I hope going as a group does not disrupt the solitude I like to go to sacred places for - I'd like if it doesn't result in us just sitting around playing Scrabble or something like that.  Three of us are serious seekers, while the fourth I think simply looks for unique experiences.  But this could be interesting regardless - the place is very beautiful, the spiritual energy is very strong there, I almost felt like I was high when I walked in, and that stayed with me for the length of the retreat.

I am still sometimes kind of upset that I don't have what it takes to become a real nun - I wish I loved poverty as much as St. Francis of Assisi did, instead of just loving self deprecating humour as much as Jeremy Hotz does.  I am modest though not modest enough to be a sister (except of course for when I'm REALLY not modest, like when I wear the latex nun habit while killing demons, but that's a Quentin Tarantino kind of thing), I am foul mouthed, having been raised on a steady diet of "Derek and Clive" comedy sketches from two hippie parents.  I can't stand the idea of being obedient to a potentially grouchy Mother Superior, if she expects me to toil over something I feel isn't right for me.  I crave simplicity, but perhaps this would be the wrong context, considering the way I go about my religious path, versus what a conservative group of nuns would honour.  Maybe if I was from another century, or in another country, it would be a good fit for me.

I still have mild worldly ambition, I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing, considering my long term spiritual goals.

-Saraƒin

Monday, 4 March 2019

Outing my rapist: A #metoo post...

Between the fact that rapists often walk free after court battles, their victims being put to task on the stand in a humiliating fashion, and due to the fact that I found court experiences so traumatizing that I never want to set foot inside a courtroom ever again, I did not report my rapist.  Most people didn't seem to get this - they seemed to assume I had some kind of "responsibility" to report this person, as if the blame was suddenly on me for not doing anything about it.  My analyst thankfully got it, understanding that women rarely see justice in these situations, and said that if I didn't want to make a case of it, that was my choice.

It's been about 13 years since the event happened, so I feel I should mention a few things about this.  First off, I have to explain some details about what I described in "The Psychosis Diaries" - that rape scene, though heavily based on true events that transpired, had some critical details changed.  The reason I did this was because I was too unnerved to discuss the intimate details of the rape, especially considering how psychologically vulnerable I felt at the time of making that comic, so certain things, like the actual orifice that was raped, were changed.  I am not even sure what the rules of tasteful writing say about doing something like this, but I figured that because it happened to me, and was not just fiction for the sake of shock value, I was allowed to change things.  Would I be more honest if I were to write it again?  Would I even include this scene?  I'm not sure.

It's time to out the disgusting creature that did this to me, seeing as I won't ever be reporting him to the authorities, whom I don't trust very much these days.  His name is Kenneth Grimes, and he is someone who would hang near Bathurst and Queen, when I was trying to see about volunteering to help less fortunate people in that area at the time, while I was trying to better myself.  There were no programs available to sign up for, so I began to just hang out and talk with people from that corner who were either homeless or verging on it.  Things got messed up, I trusted him, he got me alone in a room, and it led to the incident.

I am now at a point as a person where I will fight harder to prevent men from doing things to my body ever again.  I used to be more passive about allowing sickening men to touch me - now I will show them my inner Rottweiler if they so much as lay a finger on me... I have had it.  One time I exploded at a sicko who started fondling me while I was in CAMH, and he immediately backed down.  When I told the psychiatrist there about the event, she said I had behaved inappropriately, that I should have gone and fetched an orderly to stop it... cuz good girls don't defend themselves, I suppose.  Horseshit.  Just another reason to hate that place.

So yes, I am outing you, Kenneth Grimes, you rapist... may karma smite you for this, I hope you never harm another woman again.

-Saraƒin

Friday, 1 March 2019

Erm, is this another miracle item, JHWH?

Ok - the jury's out for this one as far as legit miracles go, because there's a chance it might just be enamel damage, but anyone who has ever owned one of these Benedictine medal crucifixes knows how firm and fused the enamel job is on these.  I have no idea how a whole section of black enamel could just pop out of the length of the back of this item, especially unnoticed, only for me to turn it over one morning when putting it on and see it like this:


If this is another item miracle, it's not quite as exciting as the transmuted rosary, but if it's legit, I'll take it.  I am not sure what the symbolic significance of that portion of the crucifix going to silver is, if there is any to be found at all.  I also have no idea how this could have happened if it's just an accident - it seems unlikely that the enamel would just pop off, based on how this item is made.  (At the very least, I will now be monitoring it for the next little while, in case it's spiritually relevant.  This was a crucifix I wore almost constantly while fighting my demon, I prayed to have it blessed by both Jesus Christ and St. Benedict, as well as by angelic forces.)

If it's not relevant, if it's just a coincidence - then dammit, that Benny Crux was an heirloom from my stepdad's mother, and it's now damaged!  (Funny how strange shit always happens to my religious items.)

-Saraƒin