Wednesday, 28 December 2022

Spiritual activity in Toronto...

I often wonder about occult spiritual activity in Toronto, because based on my experiences and other stories I have heard, it seems like this city is a hotbed for cases of possession, oppression, and spiritual assault.  I don't know if that is a "living on stolen land" thing for us whites, but I have known people of colour who have had their share of problems as well, so it could be anything, really.  The crime is that all we have are mental hospitals to tackle this, and hospitals don't seem to want to validate spiritual or religious problems at all.  As for religion, if people want their services, it doesn't seem like they're sophisticated about this sort of thing here either, from what I have seen.  Thank God I'm just as determined as I am, and I solved my situation myself.

I might as well say it - I feel as though I have suffered a kind of atheistic oppression in medicine, because I know my problem was religious, especially considering how the original problem ended, and how I'm curing myself of the aftermath and trauma - my techniques fly in the face of science, but make sense in alternative medicine and shamanism.  As much as atheistic thinking tries to take a rational approach in medicine, I can't help but feel that there is no such thing as a science of the mind, and militant atheism has no place in psychiatry, but try telling that to mental health professionals.  What happened to me is wrong because psychiatry was wrong, and yet it passes in the name of treatment.  What a shame we don't have services that make sense for a situation like mine.  I don't know how else to solve things but to simply transcend beyond the need for all psychiatric medications, and then they can't possibly consider my mind the same thing anymore.

Someone in my circles is suffering from their own case of what looks like possession.  I have decided to offer free services to this individual to try and solve this for them.  So far I have done distance work and prayer, but I feel like to truly have a changing hand, I might need them in front of me.  Medicated, things are a bit more grounded now for them, but again, they are still affected, and not getting helpful treatment... so I guess we look after ourselves in spiritual circles, because medicine fails us.  I want to try a technique with sweetgrass that I used to get myself out of my own situation with possession, but the sufferer is not ready to come over yet due to anxiety.  I offer that opportunity when they are ready.

Possession truly is a horror unlike any other, it ruins people's lives in strange ways, alienates them, and is of course very often misinterpreted as simply a common example of mental illness - truly, I see racist overtones to white ideas in psychiatry attempting to discredit and invalidate experiences that are considered relevant elsewhere to other cultures.  I am outraged when people dismiss possession cases as pure religious fanaticism... a lot of people go untreated with these attitudes.

I long for great change in mental health spiritual care.


Tuesday, 27 December 2022

Video: Enlightenment for westerners...


The first one of these in over a month - enjoy!

I was out of town for the holidays... there was a storm that was bad so some of our Christmas plans were cancelled, but we still enjoyed good food, wine, and company.  Christmas doesn't feel like the most meaningful thing for me, I feel capitalism really destroyed something I once felt about it, but we still make the best of a low key celebration.  My family doesn't do big presents... maybe just little things for each other here and there, mostly practical stuff.

I feel now that I am phasing into something of a stage where despite some concerns about premonitions I am having (not bad ones, but concerns that I'm not accurate about good information) I feel much calmer out of the old mind.  Perhaps it is more of a feeling of being a bit stunned rather than the pain I have described from the past, so I just have to press on to come out of that.  It's interesting that THC now feels less psychoactive, and on par with CBD, in a way that is not just because I consume it often.  It actually feels like I am transcending the old mind completely... I have heard THC feels less like a "stoner" experience as the mind improves, so this is hopeful.

I am having a small shindig with friends on New Year's Eve.  As I reflect on 2022, it wasn't a brilliantly fun year (except for some things I did in September), but like other years, it was productive for my soul and I have seen great results due to my dedication.  I am very hopeful that 2023 will be even better, especially if I get a trip to Rome in!


Sunday, 18 December 2022

Getting reassessed...

I decided yesterday that I am going to go ahead and try to get reassessed at CAMH so that they have a newer perspective on my mental health.  Now, I understand how invalidating mainstream psychiatry is and probably always will be to spiritual health problems, but my focus going in will be to steer them away from concentrating on my psychological phenomena (now that it is much more well integrated), in favour of concentrating on the trauma piece from my past.  I will try not to go in with a strange tone, but I'm sure it might creep out here and there... psychiatry is just one of a couple of systems that has been unfair, if not flat out abusive to me, and going and getting assessed by them is like wandering into the lion's den.  Psychiatrists remind me of salespeople at Apple computers stores, all glossy and false... it's gross, and if you don't call them out well they're so crafty they will turn your humiliation on you with gaslighting, and you might not even realize it.  This is again why I hate the whole thing so much, there's nothing wholesome about the experience.

I made this decision because my shadow psyche felt exceptionally heavy at work yesterday, and I realized that as long as I'm walking around with an alarmingly false interpretation of my mental health written on my chart, I live in fear of what happens to me as I get older, and I truly feel like someone in inescapable poverty.  So, maybe I would feel better if what I had to say about myself was treated with greater respect from the squares who run the hospital system, since police also know what the label is at this point, and that might give a nasty cop in an emergency reason to kill me if they felt like using excessive force.  Just a precaution I have to think about in my position - a low income single woman in the mental health system, a victim of many things.

Part of me can't imagine this going well, Canada is not a place in the world with brilliant ideas about the mind, and I certainly don't want to have to get into why I don't even believe that the brain exists, let alone the mind... I'll have to watch what I say.  But if there's just a shred of hope of getting someone who respects that I have religious differences and that I would prefer to be analyzed for trauma, it could make a difference in how I feel living in this city.  PTSD, as much as I don't want to identify with that either, is a medical mask that I am willing to wear to navigate silly white minds, since it evokes greater sympathy for the client than previous interpretations have.  For my own safety, in the hands of professionals, I now insist on gentler tones.

Again, until Dr. Jung is respected at CAMH, another probably incorrect label will have to do, but... still more validating than what I'm accustomed to.  

Oh psychiatry, you foolish white bullshit science that still convinces people of ideas that are ultimately irrelevant... how I long to escape you forever.


Friday, 16 December 2022

Experiments with prayers and offerings to the Orisha...

Not culturally tied to the Orisha, I have avoided discussing this area of my experimentation because of how eager some might be to accuse me of cultural appropriation, considering how trendy it seems for angry people to "do their part" and call out simple seekers who are experimenting with techniques to try to heal themselves.  Absurd, but that's why I chose to avoid talking about it.

Mostly, I have felt reactions making offerings to Yemaya, including a wave of calm and bliss after offering incense while working with a candle dedicated to Her.  I have worn some eleke because I have been feeling protective reactions doing so, not because of any other reason.  My Yemaya eleke sadly broke recently, so I had to replace it... I have decided to be a bit more cautious now, wearing them only ceremonially when I work on myself around the house.  I am not sure how some would feel about me doing this, but because I feel I am working with the Orisha, it's an experiment.

My suspicion is that Orisha want to help people in underprivileged communities, and, because I am already opening in spirit with what amounts to the kundalini (and, because of the personal event with the entity) I might have caught their spiritual attention in invocation.  According to a few books I have read, kundalites are often more successful in prayer and invocation, for the simple reason that their energy fields are amplified, so it's not unheard of.

Again, all of this is experimentation, but I have felt some stronger character strengths in myself emerge since wearing the eleke, and making prayers and offerings.  I am not getting into Santeria, or anything that requires animal sacrifice in working with the Orisha - I can't even get through a beef burger without thinking about the poor cow who died for me, so it's not going to be a part of my practice, and my involvement with the Orisha might be limited, but that's ok.  They may just be other sources to reach out to in devotion as I try to blossom consciousness.  It feels safe to do so at this stage.

My diet, BTW, is a little lighter again.  I'm just not quite as hungry... this is probably a purging thing.  I usually eat about a meal and a half a day.  I suspect this is also a phase... at least I will save a bit of money for a while... tight month.  Everything in the city is going up in price, and I still require marijuana treatments.  I am also cutting back on alcohol... very important.


Wednesday, 14 December 2022

Marijuana update...

Well, after months of continued use, my conclusion is that THC is very therapeutic.  Apart from mild pot anxiety I have had here and there while using it, which I grounded from quickly by hydrating and calming myself, it's mostly helped with my anxiety, quietens the subconscious, made it unnecessary to take sleep aids at night, makes evenings calmer for me when it gets dark, made me more social, got me back into art, and I know it's helping with ascension, which is its main benefit.  All I needed to do was engage the plant correctly as an entheogen and I never had a bad trip again.  I am just trying to reduce how much I have in a day, for the sake of my lungs.  My lungs are not in bad shape but like all lungs, they need a break now and then.  I also talked to my medical marijuana provider, admitting I had mostly been using recreational government weed (because of money I'd save using that kind over the medical brands, and because of the fear of mail theft in my building, which is common) and he suggested there's very little difference, now that Canada has legalized marijuana.  So, what I am doing with the store bought stuff is fine.

An update too on the bandana head covering - I suspect that it keeps creepy men away, even if I'm dressed sexy.  I think they think I am either modest, "gangsta", or both - so they leave me alone.  Excellent.  Even in fishnets and goth collars this works.  Muhammad was right.

I don't think I can call my situation a religious problem anymore - it's the aftermath of one.  I simply feel exhausted doing this on my own.


Monday, 12 December 2022

A very strange download that I am wondering about...


This evening, after work, I suddenly had a vision of the planet with planes zooming around it, and got a message that the true cause of global warming is air travel, not carbon emissions.  Supposedly, when enough air travel is in the atmosphere, it disrupts the physics of the planet.  The message was - if air travel was phased out, our planet would cool down.

Can't say I'm a scientist to have much to say about this, but I wondered about it.  The download also suggested that what is going on with the atmosphere is also playing with our minds as a species, hence why we're going madder.

I am feeling quite a bit better since doing art again with the TikToks - I think I medically need to do it for happiness.  Not being a fine technician in traditional mediums like illustration and painting (I'm ok, but there are finer technicians, obviously), I have grown tired of slaving away over art that will only appeal to certain pairs of eyes.  Film fascinates me as something to try out, so even though I am not trained and don't have sophisticated equipment, I can have fun with this film app for a while, and see if it opens any creative doors.

I didn't get more than one silly video done today, I had to work... maybe more tomorrow.


Sunday, 11 December 2022

I'm on a roll with TikTok!

Still having fun with these animated collages!

Some of them have little stories to them in the lyrics.  I am a person who is "poetry blind", meaning when I hear lyrics or a poem, I often can't hear what they actually mean, but my brain forms its own meanings.  So, these lyrics might not tell a perfect story if they don't translate so literally with the imagery, but they imply something with what's going on, usually with the chorus.  Sort of a way of experimenting with poetry as someone who doesn't know the first thing about writing it effortlessly, doing it with retro pop music, usually.

I am not sure where these will take me - apart from television editing classes in the past, and a storyboarding course, I have zero film training, I just sense what might work.  Already I have gotten some profoundly annoying comments that I had to delete because of this strange Satan character I made who has the Laibach lead singer's voice - some idiot Christians honestly thought I was glorifying Satan, even though it's obviously a farce.  I am describing some of these as "shoestring budget camp", sometimes almost like John Waters (or someone like him) did it if he had nothing but his phone.

More psychic input about Anglicanism - oddly enough, this one was about the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby.  Interesting!


Thursday, 8 December 2022

I've been busy!

Oh my, this animated collage format is getting to be my new favourite creative form of expression!

I think part of what prevented me from doing much in the way of illustration or painting is the concern that living in a small apartment, I might have to come to throw out old art if I can't ever move it in sales.  Heartbreaking as throwing out art I made in the past has been, sticking to these means the only storage I am taking up is on the web, and on my phone itself.

Some of the influences and subject matter that I am experimenting with include Dada, satire, psychedelic art, camp, pop art, surrealism, musical theatre, goth culture, religious themes, puppet shows, and rave culture.  Something clicked in me and I just started cranking them out.  Unfortunately, I got excited while at work with uploads and have already maxed out the data on my cellphone plan (it's a basic plan), so I will have to go to cafes or just use my home wifi to put them together.  I had fun the other day, for example, just filming on the subway, and shooting random items at Value Village.  Then, last night at karaoke, I saw a Jagermeister sign on the wall of the bar and made a strange Satan clip set to Laibach.  So, instead of boring people with a bunch of selfies and weird spirituality videos, Instagram and TikTok might be filled with these instead.  I think I created some gems, honestly.  

Good to be back as an artist!


Sunday, 4 December 2022

I made a TikTok!

So, now that I am getting really into my little animated collages with sound, audio visual poems, montages, and so on, I figured it was time to make the leap to TikTok.  Here's the link: 

My TikTok

I have made quite a few reels recently, and expect to make many more.  Perhaps this is a new format I will play around with - I used to make little films as a kid, I even did homemade animation at age 8.  My dreams of working in animation died when I realized from others how stressful it is, so now I am just exploring this stuff as an indie artist.  I love pairing visuals with sound, and this platform makes that very easy.

I hope you enjoy!


Saturday, 3 December 2022

Exploring a little bit of film...

(Well, little clips and montages on Instagram!) 

These are something I recently began pairing with music and filters, to try and capture feelings I have about these strange times, spirituality and religion, pain and recovery, and life in the big city - let's see where this takes me. I like photography but it feels a bit more interesting with motion and sound, so I often just take a short film of something and then play around with it.  It's helping me to explore my muse again.

So check me out on Instagram @sarafin_teresapowers , and see if you enjoy them!