Friday, 28 October 2022

When concerning downloads happen...

 Oh, Christ.

I still worry about both my mental health with channeling and my spiritual safety sometimes, even though it's infinitely better throughout me than it had been for many years.  There seems to be a perma-inner guru that comes through to console me when I go the wrong parts of the mind, when I journey into the psyche to examine its contents to help solve my current state, which as I have said is better but still not where I want it to be.

One of the more upsetting things I have received as a downloaded image was what appeared to be ECT diodes, as though it's a premonition.  I do hope maybe it's not related to something I might have to medically face.  While I don't have much of a bucket list to speak of, I kind of have a "things to avoid" list, and one of them I would be proud to avoid in my life is electroconvulsive therapy.  I don't like the idea of it, some claim it helps and all the power to them if that's true, I don't like hearing stories where people have no choice in the matter, and I know a few in Mad Pride who got it and they did not feel the same afterwards, saying that they don't recommend it.

Receiving ECT, to me, is a fear that I have because of abuses that I have both seen and experienced in hospital, I fear that being a lonely old woman in the poor house means it's looming in my fate if eventually no one knows what to do with me anymore.  It feels like the ultimate reminder of inner city poverty as a geriatric citizen, and I can't stand the idea of feeling geriatric in my 40s (and I already do feel that way, considering how much I need to rest to keep picking myself up, to face the day with a smile).

I tend to retreat into the mind a lot... I don't know how to escape it when I'm lying down, it's inevitable.  I feel like with me there's the other world, the world of Spirit, there's the world of the living obviously, but this inner world is distracting if I get pulled back into it while idle.  This isn't possible to shut down with medication, and although I have found ways of working with it with contemplation and active imagination to make it more comfortable, I am afraid it complicates my experience as a citizen of western civilization, and the downtown core is so full of pain, noise, and suffering, that perhaps the empath in me is also absorbing too much around me, like some unconscious sponge.

Also concerning is the idea that, like an elephant, the unconscious never forgets, and I worry I can't unsee, as an unconscious, what I came to behold with evil.  So, what if ECT helps for that in some way?  I sure hope I don't ever have to resort to that - I would have to swallow my pride as a Mad Pride person, but if it harmed me I would perhaps slip a little bit again as a heart.

So, maybe it's just something completely unrelated to what I have to face, perhaps it's an image the unconscious is throwing at me for less prophetic reasons - when things like this happen, I have to check myself and not overanalyze.  What's weird is that this ECT drawing appears with a Christian cross, so I have no idea what the hell that means.

Last night I felt more uncomfortable spiritual activity, until I prayed while anointing myself with oils to several sources, then it calmed down.  Sigh, no rest for the formerly possessed!


Wednesday, 26 October 2022

Mild concerns...

 I have a few ongoing concerns these days, though it must be emphasized that I feel the worst of my situation is behind me.  These concerns have to do with not having the correct community supports (spiritual care is something I don't have enough of, I also don't have a correct medical understanding and supports, and of course I have to be incredibly frugal with finances, not coming from a wealthy family) - but also, I am suspicious that some of my ongoing soul's pain - apart from feeling like a bomb detonated in my nervous system from the possession, I worry I might have enraged negative spiritual sources because of my encounter with the dark entity.

The other night, friends were over for a month of October horror movie screening, and suddenly, under my breath so as to hide the situation, I received a negative download which I thought was from Christ as though Christ was angry at me, until Christ intervened and explained sin was responsible, although I am not entirely sure what that means.  This exhausting life was something that I fretted over quite a bit as I wearily sat amid emergency vehicles last night during a middle of the evening fire in my building, where I had to stay outside for a good two hours before being allowed back in. I just felt so exhausted from everything - alone with my pain, not having religion to support me because of how rogue I am in my mystical experiences and ideas, not finding help in any profoundly supportive way with the bare minimum that's offered in community support systems... it's not like I can have Linda Blair's character Regan as my Peer Support Worker (lol).  I simply have God, in all the forms I see God, and I have That to turn to when it's lonely, painful, and frightening.

Thank God for friends, family, and what does work, but I just want this ball and chain weight to come off my soul, where I feel made of lead, and vulnerable like a victim of extreme atrocity, like war or holocaust, because of what was in me that disrupted my functioning.  This is not conventional trauma, being of something paranormal, so I don't expect the correct response from medicine.

I haven't talked to my analyst in months, maybe it's time.  I miss our in person sessions - phone Jungian analysis isn't cutting it for me by comparison, although my analyst is very supportive.  Right now I am trying to trust my instincts with healing, since I don't think I can rely on humanity's opinions or advice, usually.  A scary place to be.


Tuesday, 18 October 2022

Video: Mojo bags...


As I scrape to come up with new video content, I might switch things up and do downloads differently once I come up with a new format... right now, I'm just trying to consider what I haven't considered for subject matter.

Since the fall began, I feel like I have had some fine results from everything I have been working on with myself.  I suspect my relationship with the Virgin Mary is perhaps more powerful than my relationship with Jesus, like I have some Goddess heavy concentration to everything.  That's yet another sign that mainline religion is not right for me, but I can consider practice from it that has been known to work.  Sometimes I am confused about Jesus' hand with certain things (although I know in my heart He's there), but with Mary the changes are obvious.  Interesting.


Monday, 17 October 2022

Long term goth girl goals - hearse!


Ok, I saw this cute goth girl and her hearse, heard the arguments, and I'm sold - today, being a hearse owner became a long term goal for me for one day.  (Home ownership is too rich for my generation, but this is a possibility, being within my budget if the vehicle is used.)

I had previously desired a scooter, but honestly, I am very big on safety these days, and also, a hearse is a much more practical solution for things like moving and traveling.  Right now, I am not rushing to get my driver's license - my concern is about having good reaction time in big city traffic while I'm learning, I just don't feel 100% grounded for driving, but give me time and I'm sure that it's very possible.

I would deck those wheels out with so much Catholic Memento Mori gear, black light, and gothy looking pillows that it would be a perfect spooky shag wagon... except, being Ace, goth sex is not likely to happen with me in the back of it.  Still, goth road trips, camping, and so on would be great... and, it's just that much better than anything else for scene points (not that I truly give a shit - I just think it's a fun idea).

My life has already been so goth it's absurd, and even though I am not the best dressed goth in Toronto (I honestly don't even pass for goth on some days - I like colour too much to abandon certain degrees of it), I was possessed by something malevolent for over a decade, and a bunch of other extremely goth things have happened to me.  So driving a hearse by middle age just makes sense.

Anyway, I want to have fun in life before I end up riding in a hearse as a corpse, dead in a casket - it's time for me to lighten up and consider activities like the shit people who make vision boards do with themselves.  I drew a tarot card to see if I might go ahead someday and do this, and out came The Chariot - HOPE SO!


Friday, 14 October 2022

Video: Invocation...


Something I have experimented with a lot, and may have even opened some interesting doors with!  (As mentioned in this video, I often invoke through the Spirit, or try to, with tobacco offerings.  I am convinced this has worked several times with gods outside of Christianity.)

Magick with oils (dabbing myself with them, consecrated to the saints) seems to be offering calm, if not, more spiritual release.  This has become my main practice on most days now, as I try to curb alcohol magick to the bare minimum!  (Actually, that is now under control and I don't do nearly as much as when I first got excited about it - lol)


Thursday, 13 October 2022

OMG - this is what RCIA class was like!


(Well, it was like this until Jesus started talking to me over the priest teaching it, telling me to forget the catechumen process altogether!)

Anyway, I killed myself over this clip because I always kind of respond to Catholic clergy like Beavis does here, which is basically to smile and nod, when they pepper their language with theological verbiage and references that most people simply can't relate to.


Monday, 10 October 2022

Video: Spiritual offerings...


Tobacco and frankincense are my go tos when offering to flame... tobacco is what I use when offering to the land.  I find spells consecrated with tobacco offerings infinitely more effective than if I just say a prayer over the flame.

I recently got chills while dabbing myself and praying to saints with my consecrated oils, shivers that felt sort of sexy... it must mean a reaction is happening.  Suffering is only slight at this point.  Phew!


Sunday, 9 October 2022

Video: Perfume and scented oil magick...


Oy - this would have been posted sooner, but I overdid it last night with friends at the goth club and spent the day recovering!  I'm better now, so here you are.  (BTW since coming back from the monastery and having that interesting reaction with the relic, I feel drawn to trying this kind of technique, since something feels a little stronger in me to play around with other methods in Christian folk magick.)

That's all for now - more to come soon!


Tuesday, 4 October 2022

Video: Medical intervention during spiritual emergency...


(I later realized that I think England is the bigger country for listening to voice hearing, but I think it happens in Norway too, Norway also allows for treatment without medication, if the patient so desires.  It's just more progressive in many parts of Europe overall... Canada is not revolutionary for mental health.)

I still feel mighty fine since my experience with that relic in Niagara Falls... things just feel so much more hopeful, bold, strong.  There's still room for even finer levels, but it's inevitable now... I will be fine.


Monday, 3 October 2022

Video: Hand of God...


I wonder sometimes if the force that helps protect me is an example of this?  At any rate, interesting food for thought.  (BTW, I think my Christian folk magick got more powerful since I returned from the monastery - exciting!)

Now that October is here, it's time to enjoy what's left of any warmth and take in any pre-Hallowe'en activities that may exist in the city!  October would be a perfect month for me if only it were as warm as August.  <3


Sunday, 2 October 2022

Video: Holy relics...


This came to mind as a subject because of my visit to the monastery with St. Therese's relic - I had an interesting experience so I wanted a download about what to consider if you visit one of these kinds of sites.

I feel slightly more powerful as an aura than I did before going out to that monastery, BTW.  Perhaps St. Therese helped me with my development, because it's as though my energy field feels a little bolder, and I can concentrate slightly harder.  If I was to name the chakra that was suffering the most, I'd say it was Manipura - like a terrible drain, both on body and mind.

I now have more days than not where I am convinced things will iron out completely with the remnants of my spiritual emergency.


Saturday, 1 October 2022

Virgin Mary prayer hacks (that they didn't tell you about in Sunday school!)

I've been meaning to do this post for a while, having felt incredible change working closely with Mary, which I suppose is one way I'm drawn to Catholic more than Protestant in the Christian side of my mystical experiences.  Having just returned from my beautiful monastic retreat, I want to share now some "hacks" with Mary that I have discovered on my own:

• Mary is a powerful mother figure, as we all know, but She is also a doorway to the Earth Mother, and is a fantastic ally to seekers who are trying to connect with nature.  After working enough with Mary, I found that other sacred mothers came forward as I prayed to them, calling for help, so I now suspect that although not common, when it's right for the person, Mary is perhaps a doorway to other forms of the goddess as well.

• If Jesus is the Redeemer, I consider Mary the Refiner - She takes what's there in you and polishes it, like old silver - and, also like polishing old silver, She can be really fun to work with.  The only thing I find is that if you approach Her with the intention of improving on yourself, you must be 100% sincere, and not treat Her help like an experiment.  Mary only responds to an honest, sincere heart, not a skeptical one.

• Mary can add interesting accents to your character, if She sees improvement with them.  I have delighted in qualities I see in others, famous people, old friends, and sometimes even fictional characters - approaching Mary, I have called to take on the more endearing or positive qualities of certain people I have encountered or characters I have read about, and it's amusing how I see it might have just added to things I am working to improve on in myself.  This can go on forever, and you'd be amused by what you find Mother Mary will allow.  (While glamour spells may simply shape your presentation, Mary shapes the Self, and it's fascinating.)

•Mary's hand transforms your heart to be what it needs to be to know God like a mystic, which is commonly understood in religion, but it's interesting how experimenting with even unconventional prayers and methods can really make a difference.  I personally do it with wine magick, Mary and the saints, so if you can get somewhere with folk magick, Mary is brilliant for that.

Well, that's all I can think up for now - I'm sure there's more I'm just forgetting about.  Shoot - I didn't get to the Marian shrine this summer, maybe before the end of the fall?