I still worry about both my mental health with channeling and my spiritual safety sometimes, even though it's infinitely better throughout me than it had been for many years. There seems to be a perma-inner guru that comes through to console me when I go the wrong parts of the mind, when I journey into the psyche to examine its contents to help solve my current state, which as I have said is better but still not where I want it to be.
One of the more upsetting things I have received as a downloaded image was what appeared to be ECT diodes, as though it's a premonition. I do hope maybe it's not related to something I might have to medically face. While I don't have much of a bucket list to speak of, I kind of have a "things to avoid" list, and one of them I would be proud to avoid in my life is electroconvulsive therapy. I don't like the idea of it, some claim it helps and all the power to them if that's true, I don't like hearing stories where people have no choice in the matter, and I know a few in Mad Pride who got it and they did not feel the same afterwards, saying that they don't recommend it.
Receiving ECT, to me, is a fear that I have because of abuses that I have both seen and experienced in hospital, I fear that being a lonely old woman in the poor house means it's looming in my fate if eventually no one knows what to do with me anymore. It feels like the ultimate reminder of inner city poverty as a geriatric citizen, and I can't stand the idea of feeling geriatric in my 40s (and I already do feel that way, considering how much I need to rest to keep picking myself up, to face the day with a smile).
I tend to retreat into the mind a lot... I don't know how to escape it when I'm lying down, it's inevitable. I feel like with me there's the other world, the world of Spirit, there's the world of the living obviously, but this inner world is distracting if I get pulled back into it while idle. This isn't possible to shut down with medication, and although I have found ways of working with it with contemplation and active imagination to make it more comfortable, I am afraid it complicates my experience as a citizen of western civilization, and the downtown core is so full of pain, noise, and suffering, that perhaps the empath in me is also absorbing too much around me, like some unconscious sponge.
Also concerning is the idea that, like an elephant, the unconscious never forgets, and I worry I can't unsee, as an unconscious, what I came to behold with evil. So, what if ECT helps for that in some way? I sure hope I don't ever have to resort to that - I would have to swallow my pride as a Mad Pride person, but if it harmed me I would perhaps slip a little bit again as a heart.
So, maybe it's just something completely unrelated to what I have to face, perhaps it's an image the unconscious is throwing at me for less prophetic reasons - when things like this happen, I have to check myself and not overanalyze. What's weird is that this ECT drawing appears with a Christian cross, so I have no idea what the hell that means.
Last night I felt more uncomfortable spiritual activity, until I prayed while anointing myself with oils to several sources, then it calmed down. Sigh, no rest for the formerly possessed!