Player

Sunday, 20 January 2019

Why I am totally, 100%, NOT becoming a religious nut...

No, I am totally not becoming THIS guy!
I'm sure some of my readers who followed the link from my Asylum Squad comics to this bizarre new blog project about art and spirituality might have growing concerns about my sanity, but in a different way now.  Let me ease those fears a bit with this post, if I may.

Certainly, it must be peculiar to see one go from blogging about mental health to completely abandoning that blog in favour of a new one devoted to religious experiences, but hear me out.  The old mindset, the one that I was "mad" and that it was just a part of who I am, the mindset that was instilled and drilled into me by psychiatrists, it wasn't serving me anymore.  I was like a dog chasing its own tail for many years, crying myself to sleep every night, choking myself with a belt sometimes out of panic, shame, and fear.  It was ugly and depressing, and as long as I denied the presence of any malevolent spirit attacking me, I was lost.  Now, getting the upper hand of this spiritual problem (and BTW - Spiritual and Religious Problem is a REAL diagnosis in the DSM, if that even matters), I am a happier person, a saner person,  I'd say I'm happier than most around me, even.  Emotionally, I can cope with extreme pain - in a way, I am more mensch than most mensch, despite my rather average looking frame.  I owe this strength to my practice and devotion... not placebo, not distraction, not mere wishful thinking.  This is a fact that is proven only to me and to those in my close knit circle, who saw me at my worst, and who see me now as I am today.  Even on the highest doses of the most powerful medications, I was still a mess when I denied the presence of the darkness.  Now, it seems almost certain that I will be able to say goodbye to these pills, and start weening down from them in the very near future.

Part of me wishes to death that it could have been any other path other than Christianity - I know how fucking stupid Christians and their path can look, it seems like what was once a great religion is now super watered down, sanitized, and corrupt in so many ways.  It would have been cool to be a badass Wiccan chick, to have a blog where I could introduce you to my athame collection, make paintings of Hecate, or say "here's my amethyst geode - his name is Cluster Bob".  Buddhism is pretty trendy right now too, so I guess that would have gotten a sanity pass, Buddhists being all about mindfulness and stuff like that.  Christianity though... ugh.  What a fucking mess.  I won't lie when I say that yeah... it's kind of embarrassing sometimes to be what the Anglican Druid refers to as a "Jesus Wimp".  <_<

But know this.  I am still Saraƒin, I am still a freak, I am still a person who thinks for herself and questions everything.  Mystics, BTW, often are known for being eccentrics who question authority... mainstream religion actually frowns upon mysticism because it's threatening to their status quo.  The great mystics are honoured, but many others were burned at the stake as witches or heretics for questioning the church.

So maybe you read this blog but you don't believe in God... hey, that's cool.  Just understand that in my experience, nothing else but turning to spirituality like this has worked for me, and now that I have found something that works, I am going to see it through to completion, while still being my own person.  I have often theorized that the "real" world is a mere product of Vishnu's dream... that most people are asleep in the dream, carrying on in their merry little way, but those who have had strange twists in the matrix like me have in fact become lucid dreamers.  Which might explain the weird phenomenon with the transmuted rosary.  Reality is bending in strange ways for me because, for one thing, I chose a long time ago to understand the truth of reality (or at least find as many answers as I can before I pop my clock).  Mystical religious paths are one way of pursuing this... it seems that, because of my problems, Christianity was likely the path best suited for me.  Wicca for someone else, Buddhism for yet another.

I was boxed in and limited when I saw my mind as simply different or kooky or in its own strange little world... yeah, that's cute and cuddly, but not good enough for forging ahead.  I decided not to deny my experiences anymore, but to seek out others who shared unique perspectives and who had lived strange phenomena themselves to share my stories.  Also, I created this blog to document things, and to empower myself in a new way, in a way that even Mad Pride could not do for me.

Still not convinced?  Then it might help to just see this as some wild new art project, go drop some acid... everything will be okay.

-Saraƒin

Saturday, 19 January 2019

Cleaned house a bit on here...

Sadly, I deleted a few of my funny posts on here, for fear that they were a bit too silly, and also that any fundamentalists who wanted to would give me a hard time for what they would likely interpret as me mocking religion.  I might take this new blog in a more serious direction as far as spiritual articles go... I might not.  But I should probably avoid posting anything that could truly offend... there are a lot of assholes out there.

I think I should probably talk to my friend the United church minister about the transmuted rosary... he's a former Catholic himself, for one, and probably more receptive than most Catholic priests might be, I would assume.  I am still not sure what to make of this phenomenon... it is the most remarkable proof of God I have had thus far.  Anything else could possibly be explained away in some stupid way, but this - at least the people who saw the original item know it's legit.  (I guess the scientific explanation is that the rosary changed because it doesn't in fact exist, because reality doesn't exist.  Weird science!)

I have been thinking about that idea of converting to Catholicism again... I seriously doubt they would even want me.  I am too quirky, too radical, and borderline too "witchy" to be accepted.  I guess what I am doing right now is fine... praying the rosary, invoking and working with saints, anyone can do that.  Maybe I don't need a church.  But I certainly love Catholic spaces more than any other churches.  It's still kind of a mystery why there is such a draw.  Maybe it's not so bad to identify as an Anglican practising "folk Catholicism" after all.

Now I have to finish off the remainder of a box of dog cookies because our 'Showgirls' movie night happened but there's still many cookies left to consume.  You're probably thinking they're some dreadful, meaty things, but they're actually sweet tasting, and are bettern' Girl Guide cookies!  Reading the ingredients, there's nothing sketchy in there.  They simply are marketed for dogs because they are dog safe - they look like dark and vanilla Oreos, the "chocolate" ones are in fact not chocolate, but molasses flavoured I believe (the vanilla ones are better), cuz chocolate is lethal for dogs.  I guess they're designed to be shared by dog and owner alike?  Anyway, if you too want to have a 'Showgirls' doggie chow movie night with tasty dog treats, here is the brand: "3 Dog Bakery" - you can get 'em in the pet food section at Walmart:

Honestly, you'll probably keep buying 'em because they're really good and it's just fun to freak out guests you have over for tea by plopping down a box of dog cookies in front of 'em.

-Saraƒin

PS: My effortlessly funny friend recently had a birthday party where she blindfolded her guests and handed them a random cookie, declaring: "Now we're going to play: Is it for people -or- is it for DOGS!" - it was she who introduced me to this brand.

Wednesday, 16 January 2019

New item...

I bought this wall St. Benedict medal crucifix today at a local church.  It's about one and a half hands long, and was made in Italy.  I had it blessed, and got myself blessed again - why not?  Went home with it and prayed to St. Benedict himself that he also bless it.  It's now hanging on the wall by my shrine.

While I was in the store, I excitedly showed the shop ladies my transmuted rosary and told them the story of how it changed from pink plastic beads to white glass ones.  One was so excited she held it to her heart and seemed to pray something, then she took a picture of it with her phone and said "Mother Mary must really love you!" to which I said "I'm not even a real Catholic - I'm baptized Anglican!"... she was surprised and implied I should get on that.  lol

I might have to take pictures of all my religious items (this picture is not very good) in case anything like this ever happens again... that way I can prove that I'm not a hoaxer... or at least, provide better evidence than just telling a story.  I don't know if any more phenomena will occur, but enough has happened already that you never know!

-Saraƒin

Tuesday, 15 January 2019

More rosary musings...



Ok - I am really obsessing about this transmuted rosary phenomenon.  You'll have to forgive me, but I might be talking about this for a while.  I am kicking myself for having never taken a picture of this item before this happened - I'm sure people will cry hoax on me, but I know this is real, and so do a couple of other family members.  It was just such an unremarkable looking thing beforehand, and I never imagined something like this would ever happen.  I think it was maybe $3.00 when I bought it at the thrift store.  It was cute and girly at the time, but now feels more luxurious in my hands.

I took it to the cathedral and showed it to the deacon I chat with there - he was rather fascinated, and told me that this kind of thing has happened with rosaries someplace in Europe where apparitions of the Virgin Mary appeared, which I never knew about.  Then he commented on the metal, asking whether or not it had changed or not.  I wasn't sure about that, not knowing my metals.  The crucifix I think might have been attracted to the magnetic clasp on my phone case at one time, I seem to remember it sticking to it at one point, but now IT DOESN'T AT ALL.  Aluminum doesn't cling to magnets, but neither does gold, and this metal feels finer than aluminum at least... I just don't know if it's gold.  I would have assumed it was a nickel that was coated or something beforehand. 

I might get it appraised (without telling the story, of course), or at least find a friend who can assess metals well.  It just feels like a finer piece overall than it used to, and the metal shimmers a little bit.  Maybe it's still a cheap metal, but maybe the Hand of God pulled a King Midas while He was also transforming the beads... this is fascinating.

Regardless of how much it's worth now, I am never giving this item away! 

-Saraƒin

Monday, 14 January 2019

"Innerspace" clip...

With the ever disappointing annual "Bell Let's Talk" day approaching (where well meaning texts generate a shit ton of money to support mental health initiatives that promote backwards ideas about mental health, and pad the wallets of laboratory technicians, rather than going towards things that could really help, like proper inpatient nutrition and social housing, as two examples), I wanted to upload this wiped from the web clip I appear in of me talking about my comic from a few years back.  "Innerspace" was a show on the Space channel that ended rather recently, and I appeared on it twice, this clip being the longer of the two separate segments.

Unfortunately, I look rather dumpy here, and I am extremely camera shy in general, so I never articulate myself that well in this clip.  Also, I was edited like mad so all the stuff I had to say about the disappointment I feel about "Bell Let's Talk" and similar campaigns was cut entirely (no surprise there), so I sound like a pretty boring speaker.  Blegh.  The "Innerspace" crew were lovely people though, and helped make my shyness easier by giving me multiple opportunities to try improving on the takes.  (This is at least better than a CBC Radio interview I did one time, which thank god was not live either... the questions they asked felt so abstract that I got really nervous when answering them!)

Yeah, so this is a kind of a boring subject for me now... mental illness, no thank you, I'd rather create zines about mould growing on bread.  But the clip is interesting and quite well put together, so I thought I would post it on here.  I don't think anyone will mind me reposting this, as I am in it, and "Innerspace" is a defunct show now anyway.

-Saraƒin

Sunday, 13 January 2019

A movie I put on order...


The Anglican Druid and I did make it to the Catholic book store, which was very well stocked with many interesting things.  Run by an order called the Daughters of St Paul, we chatted a bit with one of the nuns, he bought half the store (I kid) and I bought some medals and prayer books.  I definitely want to check it out again sometime.

While I was in the store, looking at their DVDs, I remembered a German film I have been searching for called 'Vision', which is the story of St Hildegard Von Bingen, one of my favourite female saints.  Above you'll find the trailer for it.  I don't know enough about it, just that it looks really good and is really hard to find, but hopefully the sisters will successfully receive a copy and I can go back and pick it up.  I think I found the full film online, but without subtitles, and my German is terrible - it was a language I tried studying, but gave up shorty after I realized how complicated the three genders were going to be to memorize.

Tonight should be fun - getting together with friends for a 'Showgirls' movie night.  I bought some dog cookies that are actually fit for human consumption that we're going to eat during the scene where the two dancers bond over how they both loved to eat "doggie chow".  Absurd.  I think it should be a new thing for 'Showgirls' screenings - eating dog food during that scene, rather like how people throw plastic spoons at the screen while watching 'The Room'.  Make it happen, Internet!

-Saraƒin

Friday, 11 January 2019

Shrine update...

Thought I'd snap a pic of what my shrine looks like now - since "concluding" that Hindu deities probably weren't legitimately invoked or an aspect of my spirituality, they have been moved from my shrine and now serve as decor in my apartment, rather than ritualistic items.  The cobra statue is also moved away from this, as I worry that the cobra I felt myself take the form of was not in fact a power animal, but the demon showing itself, or a warning that it was about to pounce again when it came forward.  (I had brought myself into hospital again when it began showing up, to be safe.)

The milky white glass, formerly pink plastic rosary is on display in front here, as are various items representing saints whom I have prayed to, angelic presences, and of course Jesus and the Virgin Mary.  It's a bit dusty and I meant to tidy it a bit before taking this picture, but oh well!  Not as bad as it was last week.

I guess I will regularly post updates of this sacred space as it changes overtime.

-Saraƒin

"Madonna Magdalena"...

Here's a painting I did a while back of a very beautiful friend of mine.  (I still like the idea of doing a series of paintings where I "canonize" people I know on canvas.)  She herself has a Sacred Heart tattoo on her chest, so I wanted her to have an exposed front to display the glorious tattoo.

I wanted the feel of this piece to be one of purity, but also edginess.  So she has dark lipstick and nails here, and a septum nose piercing, but also the starry halo and vibe of holiness.  I gave the piece to the friend in question whom I painted here.

I still have to get around to painting St. Tommy Wiseau - but I need to feel up to it first, though!

-Saraƒin

Thursday, 10 January 2019

The rosary incident, part deux...

I have told a few people about the "rosary miracle" incident, my mother included, who had seen the original pink plastic form it was in.  She was flabbergasted when I showed her the picture of the pure white beads.  She remembers how it was when I bought it.  It was probably a child's rosary, being pink plastic.  I am stunned at how amazing this is... two spiritual friends were also moved by the incident, as was my analyst when I saw him today, and showed him the item.

It seems as though God really wants me to be a Roman Catholic, considering the other rosary that levitated in my hand, and now this.  I don't know how to go about this... I know I would have to take a kind of course if I wanted to convert.  I have one other spiritual friend who comes from a more Wiccan background, who has lived a similar set of circumstances to my own, and who had a very Catholic experience of witnessing an apparition of Archangel Michael before her (rather like my Archangel Gabriel one), as he stripped entities from her soul.  This friend and I have shared conversations about our struggles between being on the right path for our development, and going with what our good consciousnesses dictate we should believe and follow politically.  The United Church, for example, is much gentler about certain issues, and I love the people at my local United Church, but... my soul is bored.  I don't know if it's because Catholicism is the "original gangsta" church, but there's a mystical draw, as I have said so before on here, and this friend gets it too.  We are both involved with amazing phenomena most Christians will never know.

Maybe it's because I might have a calling as some kind of crazy "exorcist", considering my experiences with the demon, and the Catholics seem to take this kind of phenomena and practise much more seriously?  (Yes, I know women don't have much power in the church.)  Hope to figure this out!  I am praying for more signs and guidance so as to know how to proceed, and to be guided down the right path, that it open up for me.

Oh yeah... on that idea of becoming a nun - funny thing: I channeled "You are not meant to marry God", to which I replied "Great - another man who just wants to be friends!".  Apparently I am supposed to be with an archetypal Hermit type.  Wisdom is sexy.

-Saraƒin

Wednesday, 9 January 2019

More rosary weirdness!

This is a rosary I purchased at a Mennonite thrift store when visiting my mother this past year.  When I bought it, I liked the pink beads (I like pastels, that's why), even though they were made of plastic.  But when I fished it out of my purse recently, the beads had gone from light pink plastic to WHITE GLASS.  (This was a rosary I had used a lot when praying feverishly to the Virgin Mary to fight the nasty demon within me.)

This is one of the weirdest, most beautiful things to happen to me in recent history with religious items.  I don't know what else this could mean except God is saying hello in ways other than through channel now.  I know it sucks that I don't have a before and after photo comparison, but I swear I am not making this up.  I am certain those beads were plastic... now, tapping them against my teeth, they are clearly made of glass.

-Saraƒin

Tuesday, 8 January 2019

Holy shit - a Jesuit with a sense of humour!


Fr. James Martin is among the more famous (progressive) Catholics out there.  He is known for being quite pro LGBTQ+ as far as Catholics go, and has unfortunately been heavily criticized by right wing Christians because of this and other factors (including jokingly making devil horn gestures while introducing Metallica one time on television).  I wish these right wing arsewipes would lighten up, Fr. James Martin seems like a lovely man and the church desperately needs Catholics who think like he does, especially with all the scandal going on.

Anyway, I wanted to post this because I found it recently and he's quite funny in it - he loves poking fun of his own order (the Jesuits) a lot.

-Saraƒin

"Durga Mars"...

This was my final Design and Composition class piece from my brief time as an illustration student at Max The Mutt, which I tried out after being discharged from my year in CAMH, before opting to drop out of the program.

I kind of thought of doing a series of paintings of various anime and cartoon characters as Hindu deities, including the Sailor Senshi as various goddesses, Babar the elephant as Ganesha, and so on.  It hasn't led to much, thought they might sell at Anime North or something, but as time goes on I am getting less and less enthused about working the con circuit.

I figured fiery Sailor Mars was the best choice for Durga - here she rides a white tiger Artemis, attacking Sailor Moon (these two girls were often at odds in the series).  I think the original piece was accidentally left at the school, so I would imagine it has been destroyed by now, unless they actually held onto it.

I am trying to ween out all the "red herrings" in my spirituality, for I am sure there have been many.  Conclusions were drawn based on interpretations of phenomena and psychic input, much of it being compromised by sinister forces and subconscious pain.  Though Hinduism, as a path, stimulates my mind more when it comes to study, I am now reconsidering that it only serves me to apply the wisdom of the teachings in the Bhagavad Gita and the Upanishads, for the gods I was so sure might be involved were probably not truly a part of the path I am on.  I do have a strong appreciation and admiration for Indian spirituality that will never leave me, Hinduism in many ways is my favourite religion to study, but the further along I go, the more I realize I am on a very Christian path - not of your church nanny variety mind you, but instead an intense mystical variation that I think very few people could stomach, if they had to confront what I went though.  It's a shame so much of Christianity is watered down, corrupt, or bastardized these days, for what I am tapping into is very deep and rich, and I would love to have some kind of structure to follow that could satiate the soul.  Studying Kabbalah, I don't think, will complicate things too much, and there is of course Christian "Cabbala" (except I think I read that it was used more as a tool to convert Jews to Christianity).

Today the Anglican Druid and I are off to a Catholic gift shop run by some sisters - we wanted to check out what they have.  He might be my match when it comes to nerding out over spirituality, except while I'm a mystical seeker, he's a scholarly type.  I am seriously like a Pokemon fan when it comes to collecting religious stuff and looking into the saints - gotta invoke 'em all!

-Saraƒin

Saturday, 5 January 2019

Reiki...

I'm getting a reiki session done today, the first one since recent breakthroughs in my condition.  I see a reikiist on and off, and find that I get powerful reactions from her treatments.

I am not even entirely sure how reiki has helped me, only that often after I get it done, I feel tremendously relaxed, and certainly, I get strange physical responses to it, depending on who is giving it to me.  When this one woman does it, I convulse, channel, and go into strange postures, especially when she works on the heart centre, and to a lesser extent, the upper centres.  (The heart centre is of course where the demon has resided, all this time.)  Because of these responses, I believe energies are shifted around, and some effects must be taking place.

Many are skeptical of reiki, because it looks like absolutely nothing is going on, but I can tell you - I feel intense reactions if someone properly attuned is performing it on me.  It's pretty dramatic to watch me receive it, really.

I have been doing some work with the Holy Spirit, I also recently prayed that the Spirit within connect to the Spirit above.  Interesting Sacred Heart messages... a message from Christ was "I gift you my heart" after I smudged again with sweetgrass.  I am also trying to work with the Immaculate Heart of Mary.  Maybe I really am meant to be a Catholic after all, but a liberal minded one.  As much as patriarchal structures and church politics put me off, I keep going back to the cathedral.  I want to take it in and just be among the icons, I can sit in there for hours.  I prayed the rosary a few times again, after having not done so for a while.  While most spiritual people seek to find God, or to know what He wants of them, I regularly have conversations with Him through channel, and laugh with Him.  The channel seems to gradually be clearing more with time, as I attune.  I don't care how crazy that sounds to a skeptic, there's a deep sort of knowing I experience that is beyond the mind's understanding, and successes I can see with prayer, that demonstrate how real this relationship with God is.

One time, I witnessed a man who appeared dressed in biblical era garb, walking along the street, while driving in a car with family.  I pointed him out... no one else noticed him.  Odd.

Skeptics may feel sad if they think I'm ill because of what I describe, I feel sad that they can't know the bliss I have felt.

-Saraƒin

Wednesday, 2 January 2019

"Loving Words From Jesus" by Doreen Virtue...

Yo - Happy New Year, sinners!  Hope it was a good one!  (I just went to a bar and sang some karaoke with friends.)

I'm not one for taking on too many tarot or oracle decks, but seeing as Jesus is a heavy presence in my spiritual practice, and seeing as I get fascinating reactions to religious icons when I go into churches, I thought I should shell out and grab this deck, which kept catching my eye.

This is less an oracle deck than it is a meditations deck, it features quotes from the New Testament spoken by Christ.  But I thought that with my channeling method it would work well for me, so I bought them for that purpose, when consulting Christ through channel for advice and answers.  A very simple format, there are paintings of a gentler (if a little caucasian looking) Jesus, rather than any kind of crucifixion brutality or anything like that.  This is kind of a friendly, "New Age" Jesus... the art is good, and only slightly like one of those 'Awake!' Jehovah's Witnesses magazines in some ways.

Perhaps I am drawn to Catholicism (and possibly would have been drawn to Orthodox too, if I knew enough about that denomination) because of my reactions to icons, and also because I feel icons are excellent tools for concentration when praying, contemplating, channeling, and meditating.  I don't get the idolatry complaint angle at all - different ways of worship for different types of thinkers, that's what I feel.  It's not just that Catholicism looks "pretty", the methods of adoration seem intuitive to me, the way I am as a person.  Even when I light or blow out a candle on my shrine, I instinctually gesture a cross in the air, and bow.  It's just what I'm drawn to do.  My Anglican Druid friend insists High Anglicanism/Anglo-Catholic is close enough, and I often really feel I should explore my birth church, but I just don't feel the draw quite yet.  That could change with time.  I am sick of hearing about church scandals from the Roman Catholics all the time, that really bothers me.

Some more developments with my progress are upon me, but perhaps I should leave them until I am more certain of things, then I may launch into it on here.  Some newer symbols in automatic drawing include a staircase, and a key.  I am assuming those are symbols of Heaven?  We shall see!

-Saraƒin