Monday, 14 October 2019

Getting cocky: Arrogance can be healthy...

Lately I notice a pattern emerging in my personality - a new persona is being birthed of the changes in my development.  I have gone from being a rather meek version of the Queen of Cups in presentation (a negative Queen of Cups in that I was nice enough but rather doormat-like in nature, which led to far too many awkward exchanges and even danger in the presence of predatory men) to a kind of Queen of Wands type in the way I navigate the world.  (This is based on readings I did on myself that were designed to analyze my personality.)  I am still ultimately the Queen of Cups in many ways as a thinker and also in my conduct, but I have become slightly more brazen and haughty, firey and confident than I used to be.  Good natured, but a bit jaded and quick with a witty response when I am inevitably confronted by a difficult person who wants to act like a moron with me.  My temper is intense when it presents itself, but short lived and almost has a comical melodrama to it, like a strange queen - I am just like Judge Judy now when I fly off the handle, which is almost never.  Amusing to watch, I am sure, but God help you if you are on the receiving end of it.  Fuck with me?  I am not satisfied until I see the whites of your eyes.

After living a life, thus far, of letting assholes walk all over me, of taking abuse and being expected to smile about it as if all is fine, I have had it.  I am standing up for myself more, but I am also growing a confidence that is bordering on being arrogant.  I wondered a bit about this - the response I get from psychic interpretation is that this is a healthy arrogance, one that is rather necessary due to whom I have been and what I have been through, it is transitory and will lead me to my next stage as I grow in character.

It feels good to be a bit arrogant... it's not a vicious or pretentious version of it.  It feels sexy and it helps me to realize my strength and accomplishments, it helps me to rebel against those structures and systems that deemed me meek or insignificant.  I don't see arrogance as necessarily bad as long as there are enough other positive qualities in one's personality to support it, and if, in the end, it helps a person to cope with the strange society we live in.  My analyst and I discussed this, and he agreed it's important to have a stage like this - it helps the ego to feel strong.

Something really weird now, on a separate topic: sometimes I read creepy shit from the Akashic records, and I'm spooked.  I have a strange childhood memory of Dad and I taking the family canoe out on a lake when I would have been in grade school, coming across an old car that had gone off the road and crashed head first into the water.  I was weirded out, so was Dad, so we turned the canoe around and went back to the shore.  (I don't think he reported it, which was rather irresponsible of him.)  Anyway, I wondered about that and read about it recently - apparently it was the result of something going wrong in the car, and we didn't see it but there was a cadaver, floating in the water, of a person who could not escape the vehicle.  I read this and my body hairs stood on end.

Be careful what you read into with your psychic senses, Sinners... you might not like what you see!


PS: Speaking of Judge Judy, BTW - I am off the hook for serving in a jury - HOORAY!  :D

Sunday, 13 October 2019

Fatima update: The costume is finished!

The Fatima costume is finished - complete photos of it all put together to come in the next little while!

One of the biggest challenges with this one that I thought would be difficult was affixing the crown to the veil so that it stayed firm in a way that wasn't obvious.  I decided to use a ring of velcro on the veil that would attach to a ring of the opposite part of the velcro in the crown, so it could easily be pulled on and off for storage.  I held my breath as I slipped the veil onto my head, but there was nothing to worry about - it holds very well, and feels like it even has some wind resistance.  Apart from perhaps a couple more finishing touches I may add to the crown, this costume is done, and it's going to look quite good.  I want to get as much mileage as I can out of it this year, so I am likely to go to several events in it, including a witch ball happening next week.  WITCHfest is on this month (an annual event that celebrates the end to the law enforced against witchcraft) and there's a series of interesting things to attend, including this ball, so that's one opportunity to wear the costume.

I finally got to chat again with that nice man who runs the shop, the one who is a powerful psychic - I'm due back again soon for further chats.  I demonstrated my reading technique, he said I was accurate about him and also that my method of reading was unique to me - he has never seen my style performed by anyone else before.  He also gave me pointers on refining what I already have.  It seems he wants to help me further.  This is wonderful - I had been praying for a teacher to enter into my life... hopefully he is the one.

The sacred feminine is something I have been concentrating on more as of late, trying to grow its influence - the sacred masculine is already quite strong in my life, but the feminine probably needs more attention.  So (speaking of the Virgin Mary) the Mother is a large part of my prayers and devotions as of late.  How appropriate that I would be dressing like her for Hallowe'en then!


Thursday, 10 October 2019

Jesus Shoes?!

Capitalism is ridiculous sometimes - well, actually, it's often ridiculous, but in this case, it's moronic:

For a mere $3,000 US, you too could have bought these wretched looking things, filled with Holy Water from the Jordan River that was blessed by a priest... but they sold out pretty quickly.  Probably to douchey Christian celebrities who actually bought into the idea that they're wearing sacred sneakers that might help them get into Heaven.  Man, those are some butt ugly kicks, runners that only Republican Jesus could love.  At least throw a Sistine Chapel print on it, or something... yuck.

I was curious, so I did a psychic reading on these: the answer was amusing.  Apparently, any sacred properties the Jordan River water might have had were lost, and the blessing did not take, as the Spirit saw no value in it being pumped into overpriced sneakers.  So, because there was no spiritual need for it, what people got for $3,000 was just sneakers filled with normal water - nothing truly special.  So congratulations on missing the point completely, douchewads - enjoy your ridiculous looking shoes and the placebo effect they will provide for you.  Absurdity what spirituality is often like in the west.

If I were to make my own goddamn Jesus shoes, they would be a helluva lot folkier looking than this.  What a dumb, dumb, dumb thing for Nike to do - but hey, it sold out in mere minutes, so I guess they know what they're doing.  

I don't even have to say this, but there are SO many stupid Christians out there.


Sunday, 6 October 2019

Fatima crown (still under construction)...

I started, and finished, most of the Fatima crown today.  The gold card stock worked well with a bit of wire and a glue gun.  The orb at the top is styrofoam that I painted gold, as you probably figured out.  I might purchase a string of plastic pearls to decorate this with, maybe plastic gems... whatever I can find that would work.  I was going to put a red pouf inside of it, but I think I might leave it now, it looks fine, and not all versions of Our Lady have crowns with that component.  This is super light and I expect my idea of using a ring of velcro to attach it to the veil will work nicely.

For the veil, I decided I am going to create a clasp and possibly some gold chain linking it beneath the chin - unusual for this icon, but it will hold the veil more firmly to me if there is a wind, take strain off the head, and cover up the obvious part of the nighty I used as part of the dress.  There's not much left to do... mostly obtaining gold ribbon, hand sewing it to the veil, decorating the crown, and any other minor finishing touches I can think of.  I decided against gold tears - I don't want to look like a French harlequin mask, but I like the idea of some gold makeup, so perhaps pale foundation, rosy cheeks and lips, and dramatic eye makeup with a little bit of gold.  The shoes will just be some white mary janes I have had for a while.

This might end up being my most elegant costume in a while - I can't wait to sport the finished product!


Saturday, 5 October 2019

Letting go of senseless ambition: I don't give a shit if I don't make it...

This could change (hopefully it doesn't), but at this stage of the game, I have decided I simply don't care anymore about achieving any profound kind of success in the western world, as long as what I require is provided for, and perhaps some minor wants and comforts are catered to.

I think we're all sold a huge lie about happiness involving monetary success (certainly fame - fame is fleeting and often a curse), and that comes of a society that is impoverished in spirit.  Rat race ideals used to stress the hell out of me, thinking I had to commit to some career path and make brilliance of it to amount to anything of value to my society.  Fuck that.  I have since decided that if I am never a star artist, I couldn't care less.  With that pressure off my ego, the mind is more relaxed and able to enjoy the simple pleasures I have already established in my life.  Most days are lovely, and often surprise me.

I wrote a comic series that I am satisfied I created, and not much came of it, other than some mild media attention and a small, loyal following.  Unless things change again, perhaps that was my art's fate.  This doesn't bother 37 year old me the way it might have bothered 20 something me.  I don't think I am likely to produce another series - my drive to do so is tapped, and I don't think I am cut out as a career cartoonist.  Certainly, I will keep painting and doing other forms of art, but I am more of a lifestyle artist than a career one, I think.  To be a career artist means, to me, being a work horse that is constantly on and ready to go, and I don't want to lose the desire to create altogether, unless money is involved, because of the burden of a workload.  I also would rather have a joe job like the one I have, and get gigs on the side, than commit to something I don't like simply because it pays well, that strains my mental health.  It is common for indie artist types to live lifestyles like this, and am I ever lucky my lifestyle works the way it does, considering what I came out of, and what the alternative could be.  I am grateful every day of my life to have a one bedroom apartment, and I voice that to Spirit often.

With less pressure off my mind to perform, less going on in my life as far as responsibility goes, less duty, my mind can relax, recover, and develop.  I am still training myself psychically, often by reading people in bars with my Rider tarot deck.  I still think the professional psychic lady thing is a path I want to embark on - when I get really good (I'm already pretty good, I'm told) it's easy work, it's fun, and there's a kind of playful mystique to the whole thing.  I think that is one of my most prominent talents, and, like a prostitute, it's the kind of thing a computer can never replace (unless someone is into fucking a robot).  A simple life is the best approach for nurturing the mind and the soul, and a more complex, exciting version of that could upset everything that is going well right now.  I choose not to stir the pot when it doesn't require it - there is no demand to change anything, nothing is off about my situation, so I enjoy things as they are, until a red flag surfaces, indicating a need to act.  It's how I have learned to live.

Realizing I don't need to be a fat cat to know a brilliant life was one of the happiest realizations I discovered in recent years.  I hope this feeling continues.


Friday, 4 October 2019

Our Lady of Fatima costume update...

Slowly getting to work on my Hallowe'en costume again - just painted some nice veins on the heart, lacquered it to seal things, and am considering what I need to do next.  As you can see, the LEDs in the orange and yellow plastic bag slivers produces a nice glow.  I will have to find a way to hide the battery pack and wire, if I don't want it to look like Our Lady has a pacemaker.  I'm thinking of using gold cardstock to create a sunburst I could hide all of this behind, and then just use velcro to attach everything to the top portion of the dress.  I still need to make a wreath of thorns to go around the heart - I have the wire, I just need electrician's tape to create some thorns around it.*

The most annoying part will be hand sewing the gold ribbon I will need to get around the rim of the tablecloth veil - I don't own a sewing machine, so I hand sew everything.  It's rather meditative, and ultimately I don't mind, but considering a machine could just fly though something like this and do a finer job, it's slightly irritating.  Mind you, I was a propmaker for a while, and I have gotten quite good at tasks like this.

Looks like I need to make a trip both to Michael's and to Dollarama to pick up what remains of what I require - no big deal.  Good thing I have a few weeks before this is due - most of what I needed is already purchased.


*EDIT: I got the wreath of thorns done today too, pictured here - it turned out quite nicely.  I think I have solved, at least in my head, every potential costuming issue with this one.  The costume looks plain here, but I still have touches to add, including the making of that mighty gold crown.  I changed my mind and shall likely attach the Sacred Heart using pins on the wreath to the gown, not including a sunburst - I found a better, simpler way of hiding the battery pack.

Thursday, 3 October 2019

Experimenting with Bibliomancy...

As mentioned earlier, I wanted to discuss a way that I found that works for me when referring to the Bible - Bibliomancy.

Unlike the Eknath Easwaran translations of sacred Indian writings like the Bhagavad Gita and the Upanishads, the Bible was something I could not get far into without growing frustrated whenever I would try to pick it up and read it like a novel.  So much that happens, especially in the Old Testament, is rather upsetting, and I don't find it enjoyable to comb over.  A lot has been taken out of original context thanks to shoddy scholarship, there are dated ideas that only suited the times they were from, and literal interpretation that shouldn't be is still often taken literally, so I find the experience more unpleasant than most Christians would probably want it to be for me.  So I have a copy, but until recently I rarely cracked it.

It was through automatic gestures that I was able to discern that Spirit wanted me to refer to my cheap copy of the NIV for something - so I instinctually flipped to the table of contents, where my eyes rested on the Book of Job.  Then I channeled a message along the lines of: "Your life has been like Job's life", so I read the whole thing, and when I got to the end, Spirit said: "Remember, like Job, you shall be rewarded for what you have endured".

After this interesting experience, I began to, on occasion, pray to Spirit for guidance I could use from a quote in the Bible - fascinating results have come from this.  It's sometimes almost a better method than trying to get certain pieces of wisdom from straight channel, at least at this point in my development.  I can't even quote exactly what else it has directed me to read, only that the quotes have been strikingly accurate and compelling as answers to questions I had.  Spirit said: "Here is one way I shall prove to you that I am talking to you".

I am also being encouraged to consider the Psalms as a means of helping me with my soul, I am not sure what's going to come of that, but I shall post an update if anything interesting comes of my use of working with them.

Had a great dinner with a table full of progressive, politically left leaning religious folk tonight - a Jew, several Muslims, and Christians of various denominations sitting together, enjoying a meal and having a great intellectual, theological discussion.  It was a positive experience, and a place where I felt I could openly share some of my wild experiences without being judged as peculiar.


Fratello Metallo!

A friend introduced me to this fascinating monk - Father Cesare Bonizzi, a heavy metal Capuchin friar, who fell in love with the metal sound after attending a Metallica concert.

What strikes me as genuine and cool about this guy is that he is not using metal as a platform to preach or covert people to Christianity, but instead as a means of inspiring the idea of living life to the fullest.  He sounds like the real deal.

It's cute and cheeky how he uses the ASL gesture of "I love you" as a kind of parody of the devil horns gesture when he sings - they are quite similar looking, and often confused with one another.

Like Sister Wendy the art nun, he seems like the right kind of Catholic clergy - there needs to be more people in religion like this, living their lives, bringing joy, with no strange agenda attached.


Sunday, 29 September 2019

A Creaking Door Means Fun Galore: More phenomena...

Something eerie and badass happened today with two other Christian friends and I at an Anglican church near Riverdale in Toronto:

The Anglican Druid is now swinging the censer at this local church, and we had promised we would attend to support him today.  The service was lovely - a really nice woman priest conducted the service, I took communion, and after service the Druid, my other friend (a Catholic mystic) and I decided to pray a St. Michael chaplet in the church chapel as a novena, closing a daily novena the Druid had been focusing on as of late.  It consists of a series of Our Fathers with three Hail Marys that follow, along with devotions to Michael.  We would rotate among the three of us, taking turns uttering the prayers as part of the devotions.

After the Druid completed the final portion of the chaplet, which is all about asking for protection, the heavy church door which lead from the chapel to the main part of the church shut on its own!  There was no one around - they had all gone to an after event elsewhere in the buildings, and the door was much too heavy for a breeze to shut it, and so we are convinced that spiritual forces shut it on us to show us that they are there and perhaps answering our prayers, if not just saying hello.  We weren't afraid - in fact, we were rather amused, and I giggled about it for hours later on.  Afterwards we saw the priest before heading out, and told her about it - she was fascinated.

A reading on this later indicated that Spirit wanted us to know that we are three powerful souls, Spirit is saying hello, and that Spirit watches over all of us, so that is why it happened.  I have no fear of stuff like this when it happens - I eat it up, I love it... this is just the latest example of it, and it's really cool that it happened in an old church.

I might do a post soon on Bibliomancy, something I am experimenting with using the Holy Bible.  Finding the Bible a frustrating read because it has been used so heavily as a tool of propaganda and oppression, I shy away from reading it straight up, but it's fascinating when used with Bibliomancy.  I will discuss this further another time.


Monday, 23 September 2019

Satanic Panic Night results...

† Holy vanilla wafers! †
Satanic Panic Night was a success, other than a terrible movie we watched being... terrible.

We used a Saint Michael chaplet and prayed that, then did a group rosary session - I prayed for many things, including for an uncle of mine who is not well, along with our regular Anglican style trolling of difficult LHP people we watch online, who shall remain nameless so as not to stir up any drama.  After various videos of the good, the bad, and the ugly of the esoteric, we popped a DVD copy of 'The Nun' into my XBox, which turned out to be unbelievably stupid.

This is the kind of thing that might have been charming if it was low budget, and thus excusable for being mindless, but because it was high budget, it was insulting, knowing better writers could have been hired.  There's not much of a plot, except that an abbey in Romania is haunted by demonic forces, and it's confusing as to what exactly is going on with the sisters who reside in it.  A young novitiate, a priest, and a random French Canadian man go to investigate after a nun commits suicide.

This film suffers from having far too much phenomena and too many jump scares for the audience to care anymore.  The horror is silly, not scary, and the writing is often ridiculous.  ("Christ?  As in... Jesus Christ?"  Uhhhhh... yeah.)  From the Catholic horror genre, I much preferred 'Stigmata', because even though it could be goofy as well, it was much more fun and creative about it, and I actually reacted to some of what I saw like I was supposed to, in part because of my own religious problems - this other film just made me groan.

Speaking of Catholic themed movies, that upcoming Netflix film, 'The Two Popes', looks like it's going to be very good.  Brilliant casting - Anthony Hopkins as Ratzinger, Jonathan Pryce as Francis... nice.  I shall have to watch that one, definitely.

The latest, ongoing message from Spirit is that the field of "darkness", which has faded substantially BTW, is something I can't really do anything about to hurry out of me - it must dissolve with the aid of the Spirit, on its own terms.  I guess that is how long it takes to accomplish something like what I have done.  There is mild deception under its influence, but nothing that interferes terribly with my life for long.  With the comic done, I am mostly socializing, doing my day job, having a good time.  I may have to wait up to a year to be clear of the residue, but I think I can handle it now without complications.


Saturday, 21 September 2019

Losing weight - with the Goddess!

No offence, Venus of Willendorf.
I just had my annual check up at the MD recently, and was delighted to find out that since I last saw her, I had shed 18 lbs!

I believe I had developed metabolic problems from a previous antipsychotic, where while I had been off the drug for a while, I could never seem to lose more than a couple of pounds at a time, only to gain them back once again soon later.  I am 5'5" - at my heaviest on this shit, I was just under 200 lbs, but I was able to slim down to just under 180, on most days, with a new drug.  Metabolic issues must have been the reason I wasn't able to go lower, thanks to these horrible drugs and their often permanent side effects.  I had tried exercising more and dietary changes, but still I remained heavier than I wanted to be.  I grew my hair long so I could rock an earth goddess look with these curves, because I felt awkward with my once short pixie at this weight, and decided my days of slenderness were long gone, thanks to fucking psychiatry.

After invoking the Goddess with help from the Virgin Mary (who works directly with Her), I considered that the Goddess works closer to the material world than the God, at least She does in systems like Kabbalah, as an example.  Perhaps the Goddess could help work on my body, which I wasn't sure what to do with anymore?  So I prayed for a higher metabolism, because it seemed like I had that of a woman much older than me, and nothing was changing based on my lifestyle adjustments.

Months later (TMI - sorry about this!) I noticed I began to defecate up to three times a day - I had never been this regular in my life.  Before, it was usually once a day, now it felt like I was relieving myself of more garbage throughout the day than ever before.  My clothes began to feel a bit looser, and I was certain at least 10 lbs had lifted.  Only slight changes to my routine had been made, and I still eat a lot of stuff I probably shouldn't if I was to seriously crack down on weight loss in a more conventional way.  I don't do hard exercise like weightlifting or cardio, but I do tend to walk everywhere, being a downtown city dweller, so not much had changed with my routine.  So I honestly believe my prayers to the Goddess were answered, and she is adjusting things in my body that need to change so I can know a healthier version of myself again.

My current weight is 161 lbs, which isn't super slim but I never thought I would see numbers even like that again.  Now it's easier to find cute clothes that actually fit me.  I still do what I can, when I can think of it, to help my body slim down - taking salads over french fries at restaurants, for example - but I am convinced forces are at play to help with this as well.  My MD was pleasantly surprised, because she knew this was an ongoing challenge for me.


Thursday, 19 September 2019

Satanic Panic Night...

Some weirdos and I are getting together soon to hold what I call "Satanic Panic Night" - a night of watching the worst of LHP videos while heckling them and then praying the rosary later for the people who made them.  I call this trend #AnglicanTrolling, after the Church of England famously asked all Anglicans to pray for Richard Dawkins after his stroke - both because it's the right thing to do, but also to drive Dawkins fucking crazy.  Later, we will watch some Catholic horror flicks, or perhaps more nunsploitation, while consuming red wine and crackers that look like communion wafers.  We are not your typical Christians (some who are coming are even areligious or Muslim) - which leads me to a discussion I had last night about this:

I feel like there's a big part of my life I can discuss with Christians because they would understand my devotion, but a lot of the more conservative ones especially would find fault in my lifestyle or approach to things like abortion, for example.  At the same time, a lot of my queer identified friends and I can relate very well in other areas of my life, but the Christian side of me makes me worry that they are wary of that component, even if on an unconscious level.  It seems I need to seek out people who will get that I am certainly religious, but also very progressive about it, and from a more personal, mystical standpoint than anything to do with church dogma.  Mine is an experimental, alternative approach to the Christian path, that incorporates things that most Christians wouldn't dream of, like divination tools, and praying to sources that, although of God, are not of the Christian religion per se.  I wholly understand the power of aligning with Christ, but I see it as a way of connecting to God through a human avatar, and I believe that one doesn't have to convert to Christianity to work with Jesus.  Hindus, Muslims, Wiccans... anyone can work with Christ.  In fact, He can only add to one's practice, and helps many in many paths.  In occult practice, the presence of Christ in one's life can even prevent spiritual problems, or correct those that already exist - that's why I recommend Him.

In cathedrals I visit, when I dress in my alternative fashion with crosses hanging off of me, I probably stick out like a sore thumb.  Likewise, at queer meetups and groups of non-religious friends, I must look strange as well.  Oh well - I guess it comes down to conduct more than anything else... am I treating everyone with respect, am I friendly and courteous, do I do what's right... yes, I do.  Sure, I will encounter morons like the fanatic who tried to bar me from entering the cathedral that time, but most people are not like that.  Next time someone tries anything like that with me again, I will comment that I am sad to see the devil has consumed their heart, they are clearly riddled with sin, and I shall pray for them... if I speak their language, they tend to back off.


Tuesday, 17 September 2019

Blessing alcohol...

Having experimented with blessing water, thus creating Holy Water (particularly whenever I have a nice hot soak in the tub), I wondered what might happen if I blessed booze and sipped on that.  Holy Water tends to create a reaction in me when I splash myself with it or consume it, as though any remaining darkness of what I had to deal with is reacting to it.  At karaoke last night, I blessed my pilsners.  The results were interesting.

I took a sip of the Holy Steamwhistle and had a different reaction to blessed alcohol than with blessed water - a message came through that Spirit reacts differently when alcohol is blessed, than with water.  (I guess that's why Anglicans love their wine at the Eucharist?)  I got the sense that this was a good idea for helping me become clear of murkiness - now, every time, no matter the drink, I am going to bless my beverage.  Hope I don't get a hangover while I remove what remains of my spiritual troubles.  But it's at least a fun way of going about things.  I guess I am the Tank Girl of mystics!

Slow to update on here... life has mostly been about social activities and taking a break from creative pursuits, now that Asylum Squad is finished.  I have to put together the final book, save money for printing, and plan the book launch.  I might give it until October the knuckle down on that.  My Our Lady of Fatima costume looks like it's going to be pretty cool - I got an item that will work for the Sacred Heart portion, I should get to work on finishing that project too.

Again, my inner world is so mystical and strange that I expect some who read this blog might think I'm the weirdest manic pixie dream girl of all time, but I don't care.  I am having fun, and creating humour and joy with it.  The 60 mg of Latuda is proving to be safe - so no worries there.  I think I will stay at this dose for at least 6 months to a year before trying 40 mg.  No matter the health of a brain, once these drugs are in it, it's important that tapering down be a gradual process.


Monday, 2 September 2019

Preparing for Hallowe'en...

I have begun to collect things for my Our Lady of Fatima costume.  Here's what I have so far, and what I am planning:

Good old Value Village - there, I found a long white nightgown, a white tablecloth, and a white turtleneck to make up most of the dress portion.  I got a string of tiny LEDs with an attached battery pack from Dollarama, and made the flame out of coloured plastic bags.  At Michael's craft store, I got black rubber coated wire, which I am going to cover in thorns made of electrician's tape.  My friend is giving me a heart shaped Christmas ornament, which I just have to paint red and decorate a bit.  I will likely affix this with velcro strips to the dress portion.

Gold ribbon will probably be purchased to trim the tablecloth veil, and hair clips will be purchased to make sure the veil affixes properly to my hair.  The crown should be simple and fun to make - light gold card stock should do the trick, or card shock I could paint gold later on, if I can't find the gold kind.  Then it's just a matter of decorating it with any interesting bling I come across.

I need to borrow the Anglican Druid's pearl style rosary to carry - the shoes will be white flats with flowers attached to them.  The fact that the Sacred Heart glows will really make the costume, I think - I tried the LEDs in the dark in my bathroom and it looked marvelous.

I think I'll do pale makeup with rose lips, maybe gold tears around the eyes, though I am not sure about that just yet.  I will update again when I get somewhere with this costume to show photos.

Also - might sing the following at Hallowe'en karaoke:

"Maria" - Blondie


Sunday, 25 August 2019

Reflections of Asylum Squad...

Today, the final pages of Asylum Squad were posted - at long last, my series has come to an end.  This post is going to comment on what the ending means, feelings I have on the content, and anything else worth mentioning:

First of all, this was not the original ending I was going to go with.  I had another ending that was rather up to interpretation, where an epilogue scene with two boys using a ouija board in England suggested that Armananstantanu might have been real.  But the more I thought about it, the less satisfying that ending felt, and that was part of why the year long hiatus, after my Dad died, took so long to end.  During that hiatus, sometime in the summer of 2018, the new ending popped randomly into my mind, as a joke, and the more I thought about it, the more I liked it.  Spirit suggested I had found my ending, and so I went with it, after several edits.

I hope no one thinks it's a "lame religious ending", or preachy in any way.  It has religious overtones, but I wanted to focus on sacred femininity a bit here, something a truly churchy, religious ending might scoff at.  Also, the religious overtones are a symbol - in this case, Liz Madder makes fools of the psychiatric system that wronged her, by rising to become more relevant than it through being honoured by an even more powerful form of the patriarchy - the Catholic church.  What's more respected than perhaps a saint?  To psychiatry she was just another ill woman being treated, but to the church she's relevant.  Adding to this, it is my understanding that historically the church at least indirectly had a hand in what western society deems sane and insane, at least on a moral level, so to be recognized as holy by the church itself is so delightfully touché that it had to go in.  This ending was designed to be both touching and hilarious - it is over the top, but so is the rest of the comic, so it works, in my opinion.

Looking back on Asylum Squad, there are things I would have changed had I known better.  Some of the less politically correct content was deemed offensive, and at the time my mind was so warped I wasn't even perceiving in a way fit for this world, tortured by darkness, so I hope anyone offended by the antics of Henry Chan, for example, can understand this if they get their hands on a copy of "The Psychosis Diaries".  There was symbolism that might have been exchanged for something else in some of Liz's dream sequences (based on the chakra system, by the way) when I was trying to find her subplot - kind of mixing up my spiritual systems a bit there, not sure if that was wise from a mystical standpoint.  But what's funny is that in a way, my unconscious knew what it was doing with her character all along - with the new ending, the Catholic flavour found throughout the plot went from mere flavouring to interesting clues and runners about the protagonist's ultimate conclusion - her holiness.  My conscious did not even know my ending when I began "Monster Hospital" - I knew Liz was not schizophrenic, but that was it.  It's positively Jungian how this all came together.

Asylum Squad was not a perfect comic, but it was a way of coping with the pain and torment in my life, expressing myself to try and get my social status and creative output back, and it was a means of finding myself as I worked to find the ending.  I don't know if I will tackle another comic again - I have some ideas in mind, but I feel another hiatus, at least, is in order for now.  I will likely be making paintings and things like that, posting about them on here, while I decide what my next major project will be.

I'm glad I was able to bring joy to people, and I hope this ending was satisfying.  Thanks for being a delightful audience!


Saturday, 24 August 2019

Going down to 60 mg, spiritual updates, & other things...

Not sure what image to use this time - here's Metatron's Cube.
Hooray - my psychiatrist is on a hiatus as she moves to another clinic, but I am not losing her!  We had a good last session at the current clinic, and laughed over things - she is simply changing the direction of her practice.  I am so glad not to lose this woman - she is the breath of fresh air I needed to get the confidence to recover, an ear to hear me when I say I am not mentally ill, but instead psychologically affected from spiritual problems.  I am also dropping from 80 mg to 60 mg of Latuda, because I want to train my brain to handle a slightly lower dose for a while.  I think it's time to go down, and she agreed.  (This dose is not much different effects wise, so it's likely not to cause any complications.)

An interesting event happened recently, after some friends and I went for Ethiopian food in the East End.  We happened upon an interesting shop where I met a lovely older gent who was a real character - a psychic himself.  He seemed profoundly good at it, even reading that I had a deck of tarot cards in my purse, he knew details of my character and life, it was shockingly accurate.  He also knew, without me reading him, that I am quite a good (developing) psychic, and he wanted me to be in touch - could this be the doorway I needed into my psychic career?  I had been drawing the King of Pentacles card repeatedly, saying this will be my next boss, and that it would involve some kind of metaphysical shop.  I suspect this could be the gentleman.  No update yet, but I shall have to write more if anything comes of this.  He's important to the psychic community, I will mention that.

Once again I am exploring Kabbalah a bit, wondering about the sephirot, and how they relate to me.  The demon attacked and probably did structural damage to my psyche in some ways, something I know I am healing from, but I need to keep going - I am all over the map right now with some ideas because I am still not 100%.  It's more of a confusion over constructs in my mind than a madness - I cope and function quite well, my moods are good, sleep is good, nothing is truly upsetting except for a couple of traumas I am still trying to work on.  I want to focus a bit more on Da'at, the "sephirah that isn't", because I wonder if that is an influence that is off, causing the sensations of strangeness in the psyche.  It's possible I was dealing with both the real demon and a metaphorical inner demon, and the inner demon was the cute, impish one, while the real demon was the malevolence that ruined my life for a while after getting inside of me.  This is a complex mystery that's going to take a while to unravel, but I am constantly healing, grounding, and I suspect that one day I will get to the bottom of things.

With my tarot group the other night, something happened that had never happened before.  The spirit of the father of one of the women with me tried to talk directly through my body, the way channels normally work, but I guess my skills with this kind of channel are raw and underdeveloped right now, so I get the sense that the message wasn't fully delivered.  But it was rather funny - I felt this temperature change and tingle on my shoulders and back as the spirit moved in to talk through me, and started to shake and jerk around - it was more amusing than anything else.  My soul must have allowed him to try, this spirit was desperate to relay a message to his daughter, but it was just too soon for it to come through as well as he wanted it to.  I had some anxiety, I will admit, having been possessed by darkness, but was reassured by the Spirit that it's just something new that I'm not used to, this was a positive soul trying to speak through me to his child.  The soul left - it just took time for him to leave my vicinity, once he had connected.  When I am next with this lady and her dad is around again, there may be another attempt, when I am clearer to do this sort of thing.

I am so, so close to finishing what remains of Asylum Squad - I literally have one and a half pages left to draw up and ink, and then I just have to reduce them by photocopy, scan 'em, tone 'em, and then they go up.  It could be any day now.  I feel more satisfied than sad about completing this series - it wasn't a perfect comic, but it meant something to me, and perhaps something to others as well.  I will be writing an article on here about the meaning of the ending, what my feelings about the series are, et cetera.


Tuesday, 20 August 2019

Going goth?!

Oh dear... it seems like I am slipping into a goth phase!

I used to be a bit of a rivethead, back in my 20s, which is goth's industrial cousin, but later kind of abandoned it for a more hippie seeker look.  I also loved lolita fashion for a while, but it proved to be pricey, and the community is full of little shits who are haughty about clothing brands and other things that seem ultimately insignificant.  On boring dress days, I'll dress in stuff my mom gives me - still with style, but more conservative.  My hair isn't that interesting, since my job requires that I have conservative hair, so I grew it out and often wear it up in various ways.

I guess I just started to feel extremely goth about my life, having survived demonic attack, to the point where I killed the damn thing, the whole mental hospital thing, the spiritual horrors and drama that my life has shown me... kind of makes me want to wear heavy eyeshadow a bit more often.  But I won't just settle for any kind of goth - I want to be the gothiest goth, in a weird Catholic way, with crosses and rosaries dangling from everything.  While virtually every other goth I see is off loving Satan and his stupid demons, I am making fun of him, killing a demon and reading naughty details about terrible people who piss me off.  (I'm also slightly heavier set than I'd like to be in my gut, so I might as well wear more black - it's slimming.)

I feel rather silly that this is happening now, since I am pushing 40 - I often kind of made fun of goths a bit for being rather unoriginal with certain trends, and their cheesy melodrama is a real eye roller.  Still, I like a lot of the music and clothes, and my life has been about as goth as it has been punk - which is to say, VERY.

Not sure if this is a phase I am going through, but my goth friend is amused that suddenly she is wearing more colour, and I am dressing more like how she used to dress.  When I read psychically about this, it says my style is going gothy, and it's because I killed a demon, want to feel badass about it, and that satanism is going to look particularly stupid to me as time goes on.  Because what's more badass than worshipping demons?  Killing them.  (I also want to be more interesting aesthetically than a satanist goth - I picture those chicks listening to witch house music and giving blowjobs in cemeteries.)

Also - I think the "dark field" thing I sensed might be some after effect from this whole thing, and I am now directing my prayers to Grandmother Moon for assistance.  Smudging with sweetgrass only got me so far after a certain point - I felt reactions in my soul, but not change.  This is something I need to keep working on, and I know that a devotional approach is the only answer - that's the way it's always been.


Sunday, 18 August 2019

DMT Problems...

I'm revisiting my theory that I never once had a dopamine imbalance (which is the most common chemical theory behind schizophrenia, and other mental health disorders), but instead an overabundance of the flow of dimethyltryptamine, or DMT, in my brain.  Though I haven't done a ton of reading on this unique molecule, I have watched several documentaries on it, so I guess I get the gist of the ideas about it.

DMT is a naturally occurring molecule, excreted from the pineal gland, often active when a human is dying or having an NDE (near death experience), but also when a spiritual awakening is underway.  It is dormant in most humans, as is my understanding, unless activated.  I had proposed my theory to my last shrink, a pretty straight-laced thinker who wasn't open to the possibility of being wrong about anything, and he didn't even know what DMT was.  <_<

I wonder if it's possible that a "bad awakening" - say, one with a negative entity, can overstimulate this process, causing an overabundant flow of DMT in the brain?  It certainly felt like I was being bombarded with something - too much of a good thing, like I was under assault.  It was as though I was being opened to so much that I couldn't see anything at all.  And after the administration of various doses of antipsychotics (and I have tried at least 8 variants of them so far) it didn't remove the symptoms... it only toned them down.  Psychiatry doesn't often examine DMT sciences because they're rather niche and rogue, they may study the effects of it being used as a drug, but I don't hear much of studies of naturally occurring DMT reactions in the brain.  It's been known to happen, but not by the APA, I'd wager.

As far as my drug history goes, former pot lover here, who maybe dabbled with low doses of magic mushrooms four times in her life... and I have never smoked DMT crystals or ingested ayahuasca.  There was a time when it felt like something dark was prying open my "third eye" while I huffed away on a regular joint - I don't know how pot reacts to this kind of stuff, I never studied it.  I felt overwhelming darkness at the time, a kind of desperation I can't describe, as though being controlled like a marionette by something that wanted to humiliate and destroy me in as many ways as it possibly could.  The world was not kind to me at the time, people made harsh assumptions of me.

Working with Metatron, I am praying to turn this around, since (as lofty as it sounds) prayer has been my finest tool in reversing ill effects on my consciousness.  Perhaps there were still strange effects with the flow of DMT in my brain, long after the demon's defeat.  Today I woke, after prayer work last night, to feel slightly different, though I can't exactly describe how yet.  Hopefully that's not just placebo talking.

Again, as I always say - this is a progress blog, presenting ideas as they come to me, as I work towards personal betterment and development.  If I am wrong, I hope to know so later.  I present my ideas with a self-aware, tongue-in-cheek sense of humour, so that at the very least it's a riveting thing to look back at and laugh over one day, when better times are upon me.  I suppose the big test of DMT levelling out, if my theory is correct, will be consistently successful psychic predictions.


Thursday, 15 August 2019

The Secret Power of Cats...

Some interesting insights I am channeling about the feline world from the Spirit, since cats have captivated the minds of the internet, and have always had a powerful place in my heart:

Sciences suggest that there's some kind of microbe (or something) in cat shit that makes people either crazy about cats, or just plain crazy, hence the crazy cat lady stereotype.  It takes a certain kind of feline to turn around a cat hater and make them into a cat lover - I know of several people who didn't think much of these impish little munchkins until the right cat came into their lives, now these people are basically waiting on them hand and foot.  One person is my dear stepdad, who loved dogs, but after his papillon died, Mom convinced him to get a couple of cats, and since then their black cat Luigi has basically pussy whipped him into being the cat's servant.  My stepdad begrudgingly refers to these cats as "the farm animals" but still loves 'em to death.

We've all heard that the Egyptians saw these animals as godlike - I was curious about that, knowing how modern man still idolizes them, in some way or another.  When I channel about that, there's some kind of interesting relationship cats have with Divinity, as a kind of link to it in some way in which they work with it, which I guess Ancient Egypt recognized.  Also interesting is that cats have miraculous powers to charm other creatures into getting what they want out of them.  Not domesticated the same way as dogs, cats saw what humans were doing, saw an opportunity there, and approached us.  In my opinion they are not sociopathic, I would say they're more narcissistic, they are among the more self serving creatures in the animal kingdom.  A cat may be your pet, but to the cat, you are their servant.  This is the joke with cat lovers... turns out, it's more than a joke!

Cats will often do playful, silly things to charm their humans into getting creature comforts out of them - also, they delight in how odd and funny we seem to them, just as we see them as odd and funny.  They don't exactly respect us the way dogs do - they like us, but they see us as theirs.

For fun, I psychically read about an article I saw about cats given dinosaur trims for the summer, where they were buzzed to look like a stegosaurus.  The funniest answers came out of it - most of these cats were horribly embarrassed by the cuts, one liked it because it was fat and it felt good for the summer, but one was so angry it later shat all over stuff around the house, and caused problems in other ways.

It's funny how we can forgive cats for the annoying things they do - if a human were to act like the way a cat does sometimes, we'd smack 'em in the head, unless they were Catwoman or something.  I guess they really do have charismatic powers.


Jury duty summons: Good sign?

Some "fun stuff" in the mail today - a jury duty summons - boy oh boy!  (I had had some survey thing from this a while ago, and filled it out because it seemed pretty critical that I do so, out of the fear of what I could be hit with if I didn't.  Today I opened my mailbox and found this.  It was a bit of a groaner, knowing what I know about how annoying these things can be, but after talking to my mother I decided it was probably a good sign that all is well with the legal system and I.)

When I consult the Spirit on this one, it suggests that I should consider this a very positive sign, and that if I end up serving, it could even improve how the legal system views me in society.  It's possible I could get out of it - if this is a grizzly trial, it might be too much for me, I still being a bit sensitive psychologically.  We shall see.  It would be interesting to consult the Akashic Records on the events - if I do this, being a psychic I might have interesting insights into what the verdict should be.  Of course, I won't have my tarot deck in the courtroom, but I can fuck around with it in between court dates.

So mostly, despite these things being a pain for most, I am feeling rather good that I was at least considered viable for this... it means any troubles I had in the past with the system are probably deemed irrelevant right now.


Sunday, 11 August 2019

Carolyn Myss "Archetype Cards"...

I like to use these cards as a means of breaking down the qualities that Spirit and the Akashic Records see in a person's character when reading someone psychically.  I originally bought these as a deck for my mother, who is a Carolyn Myss fan, but she never used them, so she gifted them back to me.

They run through the light and shadow qualities of all the archetypes listed, so one could either take on the positive, or negative, or both, of any in the deck.  There are some blanks to fill out too, though I haven't created my own yet.  This is an interesting method of analyzing someone while using my method of psychic interpretation.  Though not what the cards were intended for, they work wonderfully, and I have gotten some interesting results with them, including many that friends I read for, who named names of people they know, can confirm as accurate.  If I ever go into the psychic lady business, this deck might end up being one of my go-to staples for reading people.

I bought a book on reading the Akashic Records, which I have yet to really read, but it suggests one should avoid doing some of the things I am doing with the Records, like reading private details, because it implies the info can come out wrong, or something.  I am not sure if this is just a moral goody two shoes thing, but I seem to be able to do it anyway - perhaps Spirit thinks my life has been so terrible that I deserve a little bit of naughty fun.  I am still refining things, and it gets better all the time, with more and more accurate details emerging, confirmed by those I read for.

With all the strange phenomena and seeming psychic power I have, I sometimes wonder if stigmata is indeed next (haha).  It was something I craved on my more Catholic obsessed days, like a Judy Blume character longing for her period.  My solution to such a thing would be maxi pads on the hands, I think, as ridiculous as that sounds.  Gotta protect the bedsheets somehow.  Yeah, I know gauze exists, but maxi pads on the hands is just that much more edgy and cool, right?  At the very least it would make a fantastically amusing Always commercial, with a bunch of nuns in a convent running to a pharmacy because of their stigmata.  You don't see advertising of that caliber much these days.  <_<


Friday, 9 August 2019

First Pentacle of the Sun...

I ordered one of these from good old  because I got the sense it might be worth experimenting with a talisman that correlates with Archangel Metatron, the angel I work the most with.  I have worn Michael and Gabriel ones before (Catholic medals) but I guess they weren't effective as I saw no change while wearing them (I have with other talismans, such as the Benedictine Medal Crucifix, the Star of David, and the Virgin Mary medal - like I stated before, I believe that without a need, or at least without the approval of the Spirit, a talisman won't work).

Doing readings, I got the sense that using something affiliated with Metatron, such as this particular item, might improve my spiritual workings with the seraph if I wear it regularly.  I thought about a Metatron's Cube item, but I get the sense that a Greater Key of Solomon item would be symbolically much more sacred - I don't understand the origins of the Metatron's Cube design.  Usually I see New Age hippy stoners with that design around their neck... not sure what to make of that.

My understanding is that Spirit renders an item sacred, so this doesn't need to be some expensive thing ordered from a "shaman", as long as it bears the correct imagery on it.  Some other info I channeled regarding Metatron: that probably the only real reason I work well with him is that I had previously invoked Christ, who allows me to stabilize and ground under Metatron's influence without the risk of madness.  Metatron is apparently not easy to invoke - his influence can drive a person mad because of Metatron's level of Divinity if one isn't prepared for it, so often people can't even do it.  In my case, with the stabilizing Christ influence, Metatron actually was a healing force that lifted madness, made me smarter, wiser, more psychically gifted, among other blessings.  Of course, I am still on psych meds to ground as well, but even on those I can sense the healing going on in my mind from all of this, and suspect that with caution, meds will be a thing of the past one day, when I am ready.

Speaking of that - I am concerned that suddenly I may be without a psychiatrist, now that I have a cool one who listens to me.  No confirmation on this, only that she is halting work at the clinic I go to.  Hopefully she's just moving somewhere else.  If I have to switch to some knucklehead who preaches the chemical imbalance theory and med compliance, I am going to get a wee bit miserable.  I hate shrinks who work as shills for pharmaceutical companies and who represent the worst qualities of the medical world, which is what most of them are like, in my experience.  A mind as different as my own is regarded as inferior, simply because it's unusual... that's what they believe.  So sick of your shit, western medicine.  Sure, give me a cast if I break my leg, operate on me if I need surgery, but leave my mind alone... I like what it has become.


Interesting Aleister Crowley documentary...

Here's a fascinating Aleister Crowley documentary - watching this, I don't get why people love him so much.  What's so "sacred" about forcing your followers to fuck a goat while slitting the goat's throat?  Edgelord douchiness to the extreme.  I'll stick with my transmuted rosaries and ecstatic states, thank you very much.

He didn't amount to much in his life, in the end.  He sought something strange that led him to a rooming house, bitter about his limp dick and his heroin addiction.  He has a pop cultural following, but then again, so does Charles Manson.

Anyway, this is still worth a watch - he was at the very least a fascinating character.


Becoming a seeker in youth: My decision at age 24...

Though I flirted a bit with Wicca in high school, mostly I was agnostic, bordering on atheist, as a younger woman - some of the more miserable times for my mood in life was when I chose not to engage the soul.  Unlike some, I was meant to become a seeker, I would never achieve any satisfaction otherwise, and I realized this at 24, when illusions around me about what I deemed important began to shatter.

I began to have a strange series of dreams demanding that I pick up a spiritual path - in other words, I got called.  Of course, this led to an acute change in my behaviour, and life was turbulent at the time, darkness was about me, so people thought I was either acting out, or losing it, or both.  It was very hard to explain what I was feeling, or experiencing.  I was justly afraid of psychiatry, knowing they wouldn't get it, and would of course go on to be abused by them after I was non-compliant for the upteenth time - they will do whatever they can to control a person who is difficult once you're in their world deep enough... I'm just glad they didn't try to convince family I needed shock treatment.  All my creative ideas might have been destroyed, as my memory is already not the greatest.

As a younger woman (and I joke that this is a materialistic Taurean trait, as much as I question the validity of pop astrology, such as the Western zodiac) I was obsessed about making big bucks, though I had no plans... like so many young minds, I just assumed things would fall into place for me somehow.  There were signs I might have had a career breakthrough, but nothing panned out, and as reality began to hit hard that my so-called "money gods" were not necessarily going to be there for me, I had to seek real gods instead, find my soul, grow it, etc.  The world was starting to get really difficult at this point, on the world stage, and I knew that the material alone would never satisfy, even with money, the way I once believed it could.  So I committed myself to a youth of seeking spiritual riches, not material ones, believing that if I achieved heightened awareness as a younger woman, I might still achieve financial riches as an older one - and, if not, it wouldn't bother me so much if I never did.

Now I still work an unimpressive job, I live a simple life, but I have achieved, for the most part, a level of happiness that I have never known before.  There's almost a "Taoistic" way that I coast through life... I plan for things, yes, but I also go with the flow, taking things day by day, and most days are satisfying in some way.  In perhaps 5 months, I haven't had one bad day - I have had irritants that have come up, but they were dealt with quite well, and I moved on.  I have a healthy relationship with death now, being a medium... I know that the soul lives on, and I can visit with spirits when they drop by.

In my gut, I somehow know things might even turn out ok for me financially, in the long run.  I am glad I devoted myself to this over the more common pursuits.  I see a lot of stressed minds out there, fretting about many things, minds of lives doing more impressive things than I with work, and yet feeling little satisfaction with it all.

I am not done growing, of course... it will be interesting to look back at this in a few years, when I hit 40, and see where I am at that time by comparison.


Thursday, 8 August 2019

Checking out the Spiritualist Temple...

Yesterday, after our tarot group and before karaoke, a friend and I noticed that the local Christian Spiritualist Temple was having a psychometry night, so we popped in to look around.

Spiritualism was something my analyst suggested as a path for me, it was also a church I checked out many years ago, when I was still so spiritually ill I couldn't fully appreciate it.  I find it rather interesting, but I hadn't gotten very far with it, these churches are few and far between (unlike more mainstream denominations), their websites tend to be half assed, and some places are out of the way.  But this one is relatively close to my home, and it was interesting what I got out of it last night.

We sat down to watch the psychometry sessions, and suddenly I felt this strong glowing warmth sensation over my back, like a loving embrace, which was to stay with me for the rest of the night.  I was wondering what it was, when suddenly my head turned and my finger pointed to a dove on a pamphlet, and then my eyes glanced over at a flame burning on a candle - the Holy Spirit?  I hadn't felt energy this strong since perhaps Sedona.

My friend also remarked that his sinuses cleared up while he was there - he had been sniffling for the rest of the night, just not in the church.  So there's something powerful going on in there, and it feels very beautiful.

Tonight there's a service I want to go to - they do regular service plus messages for those who attend.  It will be interesting to see if they pick up on anything for me.  A church that takes an interest in the psychic arts might be right up my alley.  I don't think the Spiritualist religion is offended much by queer culture or certain progressive politics, either - not sure.

I am still unsure as to how to define myself, only that the structure of my practice is Christian, but not every source I necessarily work with is, and my ideas are more Indian.  I probably really don't need a definition, but humans love to label things, to have a handle on them, and I can't help but go there.


Monday, 5 August 2019

A beautiful confirmation sign in nature...

Here's a lovely sign I received yesterday while at a friend's place for a BBQ:

We were out on his patio, preparing burgers and chatting, when a bird began to chirp loudly from a nearby tree.  We looked up to behold a beautiful Northern Cardinal, which is a bird I have rarely, if ever, seen in person.  I wondered what it could mean.

I picked up my phone and Googled the symbolic meaning of the Cardinal, and the most common interpretation is that they are a symbol of communication with the spirit world, something I have recently refined with the Holy Spirit.  Then I grabbed my deck of tarot cards and drew the Emperor card, the archetype that best represents my recently deceased teacher friend, and channeled - "He's in touch, he watches over you from time to time, this is real!"  Interesting event that was a little nod from Spirit, it felt like a true confirmation, since Cardinals aren't as common as other bird species in this city.  The teacher friend visits often because he delights in the fact that we can converse, which I don't think he is able to do with anyone else, and the stuff I channel sometimes makes him laugh because it can be a bit wonky - I get a laughter response through my body.

Dad needs to come visit again soon, so I can try channeling a conversation with him as well.  He loved to travel in life, so perhaps he's visiting various famous sites right now.


Saturday, 3 August 2019

Television is for chumps: How I learned to hate the idiot box...

For whatever reason, I have grown to despise television (most of it) with a level of austerity that would put my late father to shame many, many times over.  Here's a rant about that:

I work a job that permits a television in the workspace, because of the nature of how boring my task can be.  Back before a certain spiritual developmental level, I kind of relied on our tube to keep from going bonkers on some of the longer shifts.  We ripped cable because we could, back before Rogers went digital and they replaced the analog version with imagery of goldfish tanks (I still think a totalitarian Buddhist is behind that, trying to force Zen on the masses as punishment for not paying the television bill).  The tube died and was replaced with a high definition flatscreen, but our company wasn't willing to pay for the cable service, so we got an antenna instead, and now the only thing that is worth watching is the news, which is often tragic.  Fuck that noise.

I have gone two years straight with virtually no television, except for the odd Netflix experience at a friend's place, and now my mind almost feels nauseous thinking about turning one on and staring at it.  The mind is also happier this way, and loves the stillness.  Like marijuana, my mind rejects television, or at least grows bored and wishes to go elsewhere.  I have a shitty flatscreen Samsung that's at least 15 years old that I inherited from my mother that hardly sees any action, save a friend popping by for a movie night.  I was dumb enough to sign up for a cable package one time years ago, something I got locked into for 2 years in a contract, where I got cheap basic cable, but I watched it maybe twice - CP24 leaves something to be desired.  What was I thinking?!  Now I don't have cable, Crave, Netflix, or any of those things.  I have a bunch of DVDs I may watch once in a blue moon, but other than that I am not a watcher.  So why all the hate?

One reason is how infuriating I find television commercials - they are extremely obnoxious.  There are some clever ones, but they often get banned, and there are so many of them in between segments of a show now that I have to mute them because the volume is always jacked up and I WILL regress as a mind if I am exposed to them for too long.  They insult me.  Commercials make me sick and are the main reason I can't stand television anymore.

Also - I find it's just a huge waste of time.  Sure, some programming can be compelling, but very little of it is, and often the good stuff is on some specialty version of television other than cable, which I am not willing to pay for.  And when I go on Netflix, I am overwhelmed by the level of selection, so I don't end up choosing anything, usually.  I might end up caving and getting Spotify, for I love music and where it takes my mind.  Like Marshall McLuhan might have discussed, television provides too much stimulus, so my mind rebels by ignoring most of it, going to another place.  While music takes my mind on a journey, television is just annoying, and I want it to end.

Sometimes I will go to a film in the theatre, but very rarely.  You really have to sell the plot to me for me to consider it at all, considering how pricey the theatres are now.  I used to love mental health story flicks, but now that I am also sick of talking about mental health stuff, I kind of don't care about those anymore either.  So I love flicks about spirituality and religion, and I like documentaries, stuff like that.  I am a nerd in that regard.

Video games are even worse than television.  They are like doing homework, they are not fun.  I used to love them, my Dad prevented me from having them in the house until I was 12, when I finally inherited a Super Nintendo - I played that thing to death.  But spirituality killed video games for me - yay.  Something about sitting around for hours at a time, slack jawed, twiddling my thumbs, trying to get some neckbeard's creation to do something relevant on a screen for some specific outcome seems incredibly bland, when I could be reading about people's private lives with psychic abilities instead, and making discoveries about myself with Akasha.  No thank you, geeks.  I get what they still like about it... but it's dull, dull, dull for me now.  Retro gaming can be okay even today, only because of the nostalgia factor... oh shit, am I sounding like a hipster yet?!

I guess I can only truly enjoy screen based entertainment now if I am sharing it with others, like at a gathering, or an outing.  A social component must be involved.  I may watch a video on the web that's cool, but rarely - I like the web, when it's not a sinister, vitriolic place, because of how vast it is.  I love books, but am not even that bookish - I often find it hard to follow passages of text for long before I must break, for even then my mind will go to another place.

One last thing - having achieved a state where I am now gaining inner knowledge, something I am seeking to refine, stimuli like television bombards the senses, interfering with this process, while something like music can encourage it, depending on what it is I am listening to.  This is why I crave a quieter, simpler life.  It makes the inner world richer.

So any television I watch now better be good, to take up my time like this... or perhaps even so bad it's delightful.


Friday, 2 August 2019

Brain damage?

I suspect strongly that there might have been a component of mild brain damage because of the assault on my neurology from the demon, hence why speech patterns were strange for a while, why my intellect took a nose dive, and why other weird stuff that I felt in my mind happened.  I am also convinced that if that is the case, I am making a full recovery.

I have had two kinds of brain scans throughout all of this - one (I think) was a standard MRI, the other was an EEG, but because they were looking for specific things, I never found out if there was any strange activity other than the possibility of what the scans were hoping to detect - and the results proved that nothing they suspected was evident.  For the longest time, there has been a sense of weakness and timidness to some function of my mind - it's very hard to describe, only that things don't exactly feel right, without medication my mind gets extremely anxious and slips into a strange form of paranoia, and even on medication there's something a little odd going on.  Certain sounds are really unpleasant to behold, especially some of the noises used in that horrible autotune pop rap that permeates many stores in this day and age, it grates on my nerves.  I can get easily irritated if something is bothering me one day, even though I have disciplined myself to be less irritable, so I have learned to hide the irritation.  There's a sense of weariness to me on some days, and I need to take lots of naps.

I might talk to my psychiatrist (who is also a neurologist) about getting another brain scan done, to detect any strange neurological activity, but maybe that isn't even necessary.  It seems I have become hyper intelligent in some ways, thanks to work on myself, so if I were to approach her about this, it might be deemed unnecessary for the reasons I worry it's needed.  This doesn't seem to be an intellectual functionality issue anymore - rather, it's a tiredness, a timidness, something that's feeling slightly off.  So I gather that this is simply a stage of my recovery from the assault on my brain.

I cope with this, brain damage or not, with low lighting, a weighted blanket, soft objects, classical and meditation music, and a lot of alone time.  The Spirit comforts me with a kind of caring bedside manner, when I get anxious.  The evening is the loneliest time of the day, when anxiety can creep in, so it's good to feel that powerful presence to relax me while I try to get to sleep.  The crippling insomnia I had several years ago makes the evening, when I am bedding down, a worrisome time, but it's getting better now.  I think Metatron might be the reason I now tend to get a solid night's rest when I sleep.


Thursday, 1 August 2019

The Spirit vs. The Holy Spirit...

Looks like I have been getting my Higher Spirits all mixed up, and I'm still trying to get to the bottom of it!

The Spirit, something that has been communicating with me for years now, I assumed was The Holy Spirit.  (Well, ultimately they come down to being associated, and are components of the same thing.)  So here's my understanding now - The Spirit I channeled and was comforted by all this time is the equivalent to the Father in the Holy Trinity, while the Holy Spirit, something I apparently only invoked as of last night (thought it was involved before) is the Holy Ghost, invoked through Christ.  I don't necessarily trust much of Christian lore, even, to get this right, so I am trying to figure it out via channel and intuition.  There was a time in history when Christianity was way more interesting than it is today, but sadly it's watered down to death now so I have no idea what to believe sometimes, or what church to listen to.

I had assumed they might have been the same thing, and if not, that they were at least both involved, but apparently I had to specify to Christ that I wished for the Holy Spirit to be "sent to me" for the invocation to take place.  Then I got a channeled message about how hilarious I am that I did not figure this out years ago, what with all that I was able to accomplish without this influence.

Playing around with prayer, my teacher friend being back for another spiritual visit, I was able to finally fine tune the channel with him, through prayers to the Holy Spirit, so that it's more like a phone conversation, as messages are relayed through channel of what his soul wants me to hear, like a chat.  The personality that comes through reminds me of his.  So it's not like I channel him directly as an entity - rather, with help from the Holy Spirit, the Spirit relays to me what he wishes me to know.  Fascinating.

Also - it is my hope, and current understanding, that this component was what I needed to truly clear away any remaining shit I have been living with relating to the demon.  So I guess the mysterious event with Jesus to happen in July was this event - right on the 31st.  Or perhaps something else happens later, and my timing is off.

Bought an Alice in Wonderland tarot deck with the gift certificate I got from doing the readings at the metaphysical shop - it's very pretty, but I am used to using the Rider and Universal decks, so mostly I'll stick with those, I think.  I shall have to fine tune all methods I work with through prayers to the Holy Spirit.

Also - today was my Dad's birthday.  He has yet to come by as a soul for a visit, but I'm hoping he will later on.  I should light a candle for him.  <3


Wednesday, 31 July 2019

How I sense the presence of spirits...

I wanted to do an article that touches briefly on exactly how I sense the presence of a familiar spirit, when one comes into my vicinity.

Lately, my old friend the teacher who passed has been visiting again - he comes often, I am not sure what his soul's journey has him going through right now, some understanding is lacking with this kind of skill, for I am still recovering from spiritual illness which can make my senses odd at times.  But the Spirit will announce when a certain person is about to come by to see me, usually within ten seconds of their arrival.  Then I will channel another message indicating that they have arrived, so I can say hello and attempt a communication.  (It's rather awkward if this happens while I am on the can, or doing something like that, but of course spirits are a lot less weirded out than the living about private activities.)

I don't "see" them as a mind, I don't know if that is because of Latuda, or if I am just not meant to, but I sometimes can get a vibe of how I felt when they were around as living people.  I get emotional responses in my body, such as laughter, to conversation, if I say something they find funny, for example.  I need to use cards to interpret any message they have for me, as direct channel just doesn't cut it, and probably isn't the safest anyway for this kind of thing.  Then the Spirit will relay anything they wish for me to know.  (Unfortunately some mild interference from time to time means it is not yet perfect, but I just need to keep working on myself to refine it, I suppose.  I am still growing as well.)

Dad comes virtually every day to see me - it's funny that despite the turbulent past I lived, of his three daughters, he claims that I am now the one he worries the least amount about.  These souls very much enjoy communication with a person who knows they are around, so they return a lot.  I have to admit this makes me slightly nervous about private stuff, worried that the dead are voyeuristic perverts by proxy, and I am giving them a weird show if I forget to close the bathroom door or am busy making coffee in my underwear - oops!  Oh well, everyone is weird, I guess the dead know that all too well.

Funny story: When I was a kid, I thought that the song "Every Breath You Take" by The Police was about a ghost watching over the living, having not examined all the lyrics.  That's where an innocent child's mind will go with something like that, I guess.  I also assumed that Madonna's "Where Life Begins" from the album "Erotica" was about a stubborn boyfriend being "stingy" about the idea of going out and paying for dinner at a fancy restaurant, instead of being about getting grossed out by performing cunnilingus (she talks about "eating out" in it a lot).

Anyway, all this psychic stuff makes me wonder how my great grandmother, a professional medium, sensed spirits in her work.  This kind of thing runs heavily in the women of my Dad's side of the family, so I come by it honestly.


Sunday, 28 July 2019

In defence of 'The Craft' + some witchy stuff ...

The Wiccans I have known seem to either love or hate this movie.  When I was exploring Wicca in high school, this was the movie that got me excited about it.  There are a lot of complaints about how Hollywood portrayed things here, that it is sensationalized and unrealistic, that the god Manon is (of course) fictional, some have argued it's anti-feminist because it suggests women with power don't know what they're doing with it, and will fuck things up.  Well, as silly as this flick is in many ways, I still love it, it's one of the few I can watch to death and still eat up, even though it's fluff.  Here's what I like about it:

First off, I want to mention that I don't entirely agree with the idea that this is anti-feminist - yes, Nancy, Bonnie and Rochelle abuse their powers, leading to strange outcomes, but Sarah (the protagonist), the store witch, and (presumably) Sarah's mother (who had passed) were responsible witches, and nothing bad comes of them because of it, ultimately.  Sarah had to learn lessons, but she keeps her powers by the end of the movie.  So I would argue that this is instead a film with a Spiderman kind of message: "With great power comes great responsibility", not a flick about girls getting into trouble, and nothing more.  To suggest that it's just a smack in the face to womankind is lazy feminist analysis, in my opinion.

Secondly, I understand why they used a fictional god for this movie.  The producers feared the legal outcomes of getting sued if teenagers were to attempt to invoke a real world deity the way the girls in the film did on the beach.  Wiccans complain about that component a lot, but it makes sense if one wants to cover their ass, so I'm not complaining - this is fiction, this is pretend, this is not a documentary about the occult.

Also, there's a massive complaint that this is an unrealistic portrayal of witchcraft and how it works - ok, so... yeah.  Unless you are some master medicine person who is at service to their community and to the gods, most of this stuff is unlikely to ever occur, certainly never in the way it does here, so to see a bunch of naughty teens do this kind of magick is hyper unrealistic.  But again, this is Hollywood - realism is not going to sell to a teenage audience.

But what I do like about this movie is the strong message of "Be careful what doors you open" and to be cautious with any power you do accumulate.  Having been through my share of spiritual horrors, spirituality is not something to take lightly - now I believe my issues were initiatory, but I wasn't really prepared for what I would face at the time.  I find LHP spirituality ridiculous, as I have mentioned before.  Nancy Downs and I had to both go through something like this, and it is NOT FUN to feel like you are being ripped to shreds as a soul while no one believes in what you're talking about:
Mad solidarity, Nancy.
Of course, Nancy was really nasty, and I was being initiated with a fucked up demon, but spirituality can be a real trip, sometimes a bad one, if things go a certain way.  I caution anyone looking to turn to it for a novel experience and nothing more - watch out!  (Though I also believe that if one has a calling with God in some way, they are more likely to get harassed by demons than if they're not necessarily meant to in this life.)

Ok - now for some weirdness that I have been channeling recently that is sure to piss off grouchier members of the Pagan community.  This is something I am not sure of, but it's interesting and I wanted to discuss it, in case it becomes consistent and I'm on to something.  Apparently, Wiccans shouldn't be calling themselves "witches" if they want to use the term accurately.  Wiccans are in fact practising a neopagan spiritualist nature worship religion, not witchcraft.  Real witchcraft, according to what I have been receiving, goes against the wishes of the Spirit, in its truest form.  A real witch in fact involves themselves with the diabolical, which is destructive to the Spirit, to nature itself - a neopagan appropriates that terminology, often in protest of the church.  The Burning Times certainly handled any "problems" the church had with witches atrociously, and of course many nature worshippers and medicine people were also lost during it.  I am not defending the church at all - they have been appalling about how they have handled many things throughout history, and this is an example of this.  But it's interesting what I channel about the lives of real witches - that many get ill and die of odd diseases, or go mad, due to the forces they play with, and due to how Spirit responds to their use of these forces.  The cackling old hag comes from somewhere, I guess.  The witch is a feminist icon now, because she suggests rebellion and self empowerment, very good things - but I guess, if this information is accurate, she does not actually worship nature, she worships forces that lead to the destruction of it.  Wicca is not a bad religion at all, though sometimes I suspect it is an unfinished one.  Goddess worship is on the rise again in this age, and I think the neopagan movement, for all its flaws, is a sign that we are craving a need to return to the Mother for help in the world we live in now.  So please, Pagan friends - understand this is just information I am channeling, I am not criticizing nature worship.  I engage in it myself.

So... what is the diabolical?  Well, I prefer the Lurianic Kabbalistic ideas behind where it came from.  I believe that the "devil" (or whatever cultural interpretation you can think of in regards to this component of the spiritual world) is a corruption of Spirit.  The Lurianics suggest that when God willed the universe into existence, he made a mistake, and as the energies of creation formed, they overloaded the vessels (the Sephirot), shattering them, generating a byproduct that we have come to know as "evil".  I like to think of Satan as God's poop. 

Satan may present to some as a cunning nemesis, as a spiritual being - but that is simply how a human mind interprets it when he's around, rather like how colour or sound are interpreted as they are to the mind as well.  Often mythologies and stories that religions come up with exist to evoke or inspire a feeling or reaction, a means of working with constructs that are beyond current human understanding.

One can play with these diabolical forces, but I consider it as unwise as taking up meth smoking.  Any LHP video I have ever watched usually involves some blowhard prattling on about gatekeepers, bodily fluids, and stuff like that, but nothing moves me in the way a mystic's discussion of their intimate union with God has been known to.  LHP practice is often primal, sexual stuff that I guess humans think is mysterious or hot, but really... it does nothing to mature a soul.  Some of the guys in these videos - I imagine their "lairs" to reek of cum and burnt rubber bands (in other words - crack), as disgusting a scent as that evokes.  I have never been moved by the words of an LHP occultist - I glaze over while they talk about things like the "diabolical kingdom" and Lucifer's ballsack, or whatever.  Beneath all the skulls, swords and sigils, it's just plain hokey.  LHP is the equivalent to playtime for kids who are likely to put their eye out with a pellet gun.

Again, I'm still maturing as a soul, I'm still overcoming my struggles... some of these opinions might change, but that's what the spirit moved me to write today, so to speak.