Saturday, 18 May 2019

Looks like my friend is crossing over completely now...

An update on my communication with the old friend of mine: he seems to be transitioning from the in-between plane to the next world, so communication is getting a bit odd.  It's kind of broken, so I now must rely on the Spirit to translate what is being conveyed.  Emotions like laughter still come through, but wording is funny now.  He has returned several times for conversation, has been doing the rounds seeing people, and though it's likely he can't converse in the same way for long, I get the impression that, like my Dad, I will still be able to talk in some way with him, through the Spirit, in the next world, where he may relay what he is trying to say.  This happened with my Dad as well - it was upsetting at first, feeling like a second death, but it wasn't the end... just a transition.  Later, Dad came through in another way.

So my friend isn't making as much sense directly now, but with the aid of the Spirit, I can roughly translate what is trying to come through.  Phew!


Friday, 17 May 2019

Reacting to religious icons...

One of the things I have discussed a bit on here, to some degree, is my occasional reaction to religious iconography, depending on whom it is portraying.  Though this kind of thing also happens in more Protestant environments, it is very strong in Catholic ones, hence my draw to this religion.  Anglicanism, the go between, just seems like Protestantism in drag to me... it's not quite the same with their icons.  I like the Anglican church a bit more politically, but the faith isn't moving me the same way.

I was in church recently, as I often am, at the cathedral I like to go to, and my head suddenly drew the shape of the cross, then lurched to the corner where a statue of St. Anthony of Padua stood.  (He was a saint I have prayed to for help with my struggles.)  Discreetly, this being a Catholic environment, I whipped out my tarot cards and, on the pew, did a reading on his message to me.  It was a general congratulatory message, as well as some information I am not going to reveal on here, but also that he is watching over me.  This kind of thing has also happened in the same church with the St. Therese of Lisieux statue - her message was that she is amused by me, likes my playfulness, and that my soul is fine and watched over by her as well.  She was not one I even officially prayed to at first, but I guess because I frequent that environment there was some kind of response - I am not entirely sure how this works with icons.

The Virgin Mary and Christ are the other two whom I get strong reactions from - I have conversations through channel, relayed through the Spirit, of what they wish to say to me.  It's very powerful, and makes going to church much more fun than it is for most people, I guess, who don't get it.  (There was a time when I was sitting under a Virgin Mary statue, in a more politically progressive Catholic church, and the message from Mary was "Welcome home... you will find this church to be the best in the city to suit your views.")

I went to another church I hadn't been to before, a Portuguese Catholic one with the relic of a saint in it - it felt powerful in there, but I couldn't stay as I had an event to get to.  I wish to return to see what comes of it.  Unfortunately it is not a church that is open all the time, like the one I frequent.


The old friend returned...

My ex-teacher returned again, briefly this time - I get the sense he will return a few times before crossing over completely.  The first time he came by, we hung out and laughed as I used tarot cards and automatic writing as tools to help with deciphering our communication - some of what comes out of channel is still wonky, due to the fact that I have mild interference, so it's like a ballpark understanding of what he is saying, coming through my voice as a kind of channel - it makes him laugh through me how it presents sometimes.  Emotions are relayed through feeling - if he's anxious, I sense it in my body as though it's my own emotion, humour is easily translated as a laughter response in my body.  But he says he is having a blast as a ghost - he will cross over completely in a few weeks, completing this stage.  Perhaps not all of this information is perfectly accurate, but it's the general understanding I have while this interference remains that makes things a bit complicated.

There seems to be a limitation to how most spirits can communicate with the living, unless the living are opening up to them and they are around, or if the living are spiritually attuned.  With this understanding in mind, I began praying for my friend to have the ability, through the Spirit, to relay what he needs others to know while he's between worlds.  I hope it worked... I'm sure others could greatly benefit from an encounter like this from him.  He was a real character, a true humanitarian whom many loved.


Wednesday, 15 May 2019

Another spiritual visitation from an old friend...

Just yesterday, I heard that an old friend and former teacher of mine (my favourite teacher from high school, as a matter of fact) had passed on recently.  He was a kind of a loveable curmudgeon, I hadn't talked to him in years because of a case of estrangement, but he was still dear to my heart as I remembered him.  It came as a shock, having not resolved our disconnect - I didn't cry, knowing the spirit lives on, but it stunned me.  Not knowing what else to do, I prayed to the Spirit that he know I wanted to say hello, and to relay some information, and within an hour, his soul seemed to be in communication!

Within a couple more hours, it was as though he was about me, and the communication was stronger.  Now, he is with me, visiting in my apartment, and we are catching up where we left off.  An atheist in life, he is relieved that he lives on as a soul in the afterlife - he is between the worlds right now, in his Bardo stage.  He tells me that crossing over was easy for him, I was happy to hear this. 

I get the impression that we may remain in contact, even after he crosses over completely, in some way, because he is interested in staying in touch this way.  Glad I have the "medium gene"!  He was a wonderful guy, and I will miss him terribly, as I am sure many will.  <3

I will likely update on this, as it develops.


Monday, 13 May 2019

The necessity for madness...

I often wonder how peculiar I appear to others who actually take the time to read this blog.  Perhaps I seem madder than I did even on the other blog, in some ways, to some thinkers, because of my presentation, because of the ideas I throw around, ideas not commonly discussed except in spiritual lore that might seem too out there to be true.  Perhaps I seemed saner, in a way, when I "owned" madness as my identity, rather than disputing it while wearing a latex nun habit and claiming to have fought a demon.

In some ways, I still "own" the idea of having been mad in some way, but what I want to make clear is that I now feel it was a necessary form of madness, it was madness with a purpose, and not disease.  What I understand now about forms of psychospiritual transformation is that it probably always requires a degree of lunacy or psychic transformation to amount to a finer state of consciousness, to break down what was and reshape it in some way, for betterment.  Enough paths have described some form of complex restructuring of the mind - in the initiations of traditional medicine people, this is a kind of destruction and restructuring phase, in Christian spirituality, it might be a kind of dark night of the soul scenario.  There are many ways it can present, depending on one's path.

What I feel I am going through now is a phase where I am changing from my awkward "madness" stage to the stage of a more refined version of myself.  With this might come some misconceptions of what I have been through, that I feel will be cleared up as time goes on.  I am at a point where I function not only better than I ever have before, despite some quirkiness to perhaps some of what I perceive, but perhaps even better than most around me who have never been considered mentally ill.  I seem to handle stress and difficulty with ease, I bounce back easily from unpleasant states and experiences, and I look at the world with hope, even in the face of destruction.  I seem to instinctually have a sense of what is right and wrong for myself that was lacking in the past.

I am getting the sense that the world truly is illusion, as Toltec spirituality, Buddhism, and other religions have suggested, and as certain modern sciences are now proving.  I see the world as a manifestation of another dimensional reality, which is the true reality, generating this illusion, which is a kind of a dream, so as to grow the Spirit, kind of like a garden of sorts, where we grow as souls through experience.  I am getting fascinating insights into this through my Akashic records readings, including the suggestion that all planets have life, but perhaps on other planes of existence that we can't observe with the technology of our dimensional reality, and beyond our understanding, in sciences, of how life can present.  It's pretty out there stuff, but not of madness... certainly, more "shamanic" communities have implied these kinds of things throughout human history.

I consider overthinking one of the greatest poisons of this time, which I have discussed in the past a little.  Trapped in the mind, humans obsess, overanalyze, have deep anxiety, and go about things in a material fashion that depletes the planet of her resources.  Minds are beginning to break down and show signs of "mental illness", which is on the rise everywhere... they say 1 in 4 Canadians will present with a disorder of some sort in their lifetime.  But perhaps this is a transformation of how we relate to the world around us, and the psychiatric angle, as is, is missing the greater picture.  This is not to suggest that it is always bad to take medications, but that medicalizing this kind of suffering as disease may be a poor approach in the long run when it comes to treatment and understanding.  My so-called madness shaped me into a stronger, more adaptable person with more interesting ideas, so I refuse to see it as mere disease.  My mind broke, but it was also ultimately restructured through my practice, and though I don't think like the average person anymore, I have a finer mind now than I used to. 

Perhaps madness, in fact, is a sign of evolution in mankind, and not decay.


Monday, 6 May 2019

How I "see"...

In 2006, when I first had my overwhelming desire as a seeker to open to psychic insight, I attempted to do so by smoking copious amounts of marijuana while concentrating on my third eye region.  As a result, I had a disturbing reaction where I was flooded with dark imagery and a sense of dread.  I am beginning to suspect that the reason for this was because the demon was the one who opened it, and so that is why I felt like I was going mad.

It has since come to my attention, from studies of mystical accounts and chats with serious seekers, that the idea of the third eye being the most powerful centre of psychic insight is not just bogus, but also rather dangerous to assume.  An Indian fellow I met at a meditation group told me it is tantamount to prying open the Eye of Shiva, the Destroyer, which can cause lunacy if done prematurely, or incorrectly.  Having survived my third eye opening from hell, which was probably demonically influenced, and something that certainly led to a kind of madness that no one should experience, I can tell you that the centre that really brought me insights was not the third eye (or Ajna) but instead the heart (or Anahata).  When this centre opened, it was with Christ, and overtime it brought more profound, powerful messages, experiences, and the stillness I so richly required in order to level out.

In Evelyn Underhill's "Mysticism: A Study in the Nature and Development of Spiritual Consciousness" (a fantastic read for any seeker), there is an emphasis on heart centric spiritual opening, something that I think is a bit lost on certain kinds of seekers, including people in the LHP (left hand path) crowd.  When the heart is open, it is of course something that leads to greater compassion, but also a knowing, and a wisdom, that was lacking beforehand.  One truly gets a sense of what they speak of, there is a confidence and power to one's wording and conduct.  I have grown into a more heart centred human being, so I am not trapped in my mind anymore when I think.  I actually think less... this is not to say that I am not a thinker, that I do not contemplate, but there is less rumination and drive to keep my mind occupied.  Stillness will do just fine, and breeds more sophisticated ideas.  I do not "see" with my third eye... I perceive my insights with the heart.

The way I perceive what is seen is through what I have been calling "vocal channeling", but also with "spirit writing"... I simply concentrate on the question, and observe what comes out.  It is as second nature now as using any other mental function, but it's coming from a level in which I have to "tune in", which I can do with ease.  I do have control over what comes out - it is not like I don't.

There is a degree of "blockage" from having battled my demon, which resided in the heart centre, which remains, but is not what it was.  This makes some information murky, incomplete, or sometimes flat out wrong, but I find that with practice and prayer, this problem is being alleviated.  Reiki on my heart centre would cause interesting reactions - I often convulsed, talked in tongues, or made strange postures when this centre was tackled.  Transforming what remains seems to be the answer, so I keep praying, every day, to move it along.  Knowing where I have been, being reassured by the Spirit as to where I am going, I am convinced this issue will be a thing of the past, but spiritual outcomes can take time to fully manifest, so I must be patient.

I feel a stillness in my soul, overall, that I long for my mind to catch up with.  I am still convinced the day will come that I may leave the Latuda pills behind.


Thursday, 2 May 2019

Fitting in...

It can be very hard to find a likeminded "coven" with the way I go about my spirituality - certainly, I have found a circle of interesting seekers to discuss spirituality with, ranging from left leaning, pro LGBTQ+ Christians, to equally progressive Muslims, to non-denominational spiritualists on a path of their own.  We have fascinating conversations, consult the tarot, recommend books to one another.  And yet, it's hard to find many who comprehend the specific practice I engage in, a practice I am discovering as I go along and experiment.  I am hoping to discover some kind of "Christian Witch" community in Toronto, but so far I am coming up empty handed.  Salem, Massachusetts, has a movement going on that I have heard of, but I don't know much about this kind of thing in T-Dot.

(I don't truly identify as a witch, at least not right now, at least in relation to the idea of utilizing my will to achieve a result.  I don't actually cast spells... I use prayer to higher spirits to usher in changes in my life.  So in that regard, I am more mystically oriented, I would say.  But I think that Christian witches might get me, because of my interests, my devotion, those figures whom I pray to, my vibe.  That's why I am seeking them out.)

Apart from the very cool Christians in left leaning circles whom I know, I don't feel like religious Christianity would ever truly accept a person like me... and it's not just because of my latex nun habit and my foul mouth.  I go about my practice in a way that defies the mainstream, I don't even read the Bible, not trusting it because of how it has been used as a tool of oppression and propaganda.  I much prefer to read mystical accounts from the holy men and women of this path over the scriptures.  It feels a bit more straight from the horse's mouth, as well.  I also believe Jesus was the prophet Isa... he survived crucifixion, escaped to India, became a Buddhist monk, and is buried in a tomb in Kashmir.

The hippy community would probably not get me either, rejecting anything Christian as not as trendy or "psychedelic" as Eastern religion, or whatever... anyway, appropriating Hinduism is not something I am interested in at all.  I love researching Hinduism, I flirted with it for a very long time, but I refuse to half ass my spirituality like some people do.  I get the sense that most (?) hippies are notorious for this kind of stuff.

Occultists would also probably turn their noses up at me, shunning anything with the name Jesus attached to it, even when it's done the way I do it, even when there's no dogmatic bullshit attached, even when it's playful and natural.  Wiccans especially don't like Christianity.  What's interesting is what one said to me once, though - ex-Catholic Wiccans make the best witches.  I am not sure why they would be "the best", but I found it amusing.

I am curious to meet indigenous Catholics.  The idea of an indigenous Catholic is very strange to some people, considering the troubling history between indigenous societies and the church.  Nonetheless, there is a strong relationship between the two worlds in certain indigenous circles, and I am curious to know more about the meeting of these two paths, when they are harmonious.  I wonder what some would think of a honkey like me.  I certainly wouldn't try to imply any spiritual authority with things like smudge (which I have used to help myself), I would approach with humility and respect, and try to tell my story and explain how I arrived at where I am, after what happened to me.

A gal in a metaphysical shop today suggested that I am an "Alternative Christian".  I liked that idea.  We had a long discussion about the Virgin Mary being a means of accessing the Great Goddess, among other things.  I am not sure where this is all leading, but Toronto is proving to have more spiritually minded people in various circles than I had initially thought.


Friday, 26 April 2019

Some musings, as I seem to climb out of the Underworld...

I am not 100% sure of everything yet (I never seem to be, at least not thus far), but I think I am getting out of the Underworld phase of my initiatory crisis.  Here are some things I have recently mused about, in relation to my experiences:

-First off - the ouija board stuff... that was a doorway to a fate I would have faced, regardless of the direction my life would have taken.  I was born to be this spiritual being, and ouija was a tool to introduce me to my initiation.  So ouija boards... not evil things, just tools I don't want to bother with anymore, as I have more powerful forms of spirit communication now - vocal channeling, and spirit writing and drawing.  I think ouija board stuff can still go wrong, or at least open strange doors, but perhaps only with certain types of people - maybe types destined to work with spirituality in some way?  I see them more as neutral items now, rather than truly vile things, but one must still be cautious.

-Secondly - the visions of the Hindu gods phase... I notice that was something that came and went, and never truly resurfaced since the St. Jude invocation.  So what I gather is that Hinduism was another optional path that could have opened to help me, but when I prayed to St. Jude, I initiated a Christian path, thus I never saw or heard from Ganesha or Krishna again (even though I would go on to try working with them).  My Christian path is more "shamanic" than those of most Christians out there, but I still work with Catholic saints, angels, the Virgin Mary, and of course Christ Himself.  I see Jesus as the Sacred Masculine and Mary as the Sacred Feminine - working with both components of Divinity has helped me immensely.  "Shamanic Catholicism" is certainly not unheard of... it's just that Rome doesn't like the idea of it very much, based on my mild understanding.  Oh well.

-Next - this strange ungroundedness phase was probably a warning that the Underworld was still opened up, and it was time to move on with my initiation.  So today I concentrated my prayers on closing that door, while opening to the Upperworld.  We'll see where that takes me.  Like I said, the "mild chaos" was of absurdity, it seemed completely silly and unnecessary as lessons go, so I guess the message was "time to move on"!  In the Underworld, I seemed to destroy a demon, and I met my animal - the Cobra.  It was a brutal place where I felt like I was being sliced up, rotting with maggots, and tortured in many ways... probably this was a test of strength and endurance.  It later became comical, once Divinity intervened to help.  I guess I'll make more sense of everything later.  I do hope this is truly the end of my time in this place.

-Also - the dead demon's "field".  It seems I couldn't totally destroy it - energy can't be destroyed, right?  So I focused my attention on transforming it into something designed to serve Divinity, and that seemed to usher in a recent change of tone.  I will have to see how this, too, evolves.  "Satan" was still presenting as a sly, impish fellow, slightly Jack Nicholson-esque in character, and wouldn't seem to ever completely go away, no matter how hard I smudged or prayed.  So transformation time it was!  Now the interference is less overt.  Whatever he really was, he hated being killed by me, complaining that to be killed by a clownish goofball like me was embarrassing for him.  This overall story is so rich with comedy that I definitely think that if I do further comic work with another series, it MUST be based on aspects of my initiation.  Sister Penance may even be the protagonist, but I don't know what her story would be just yet.

My Akashic readings got virtually non-existent for a little while there, but they seem to be getting their mojo back again.  Probably they are still not perfect, but often people tell me I nail things, and premonitions have come true.  So I guess it'll just take time, practice, and further initiation.


Sunday, 21 April 2019

Happy Easter, sinners!

Jesus was no hippie guru... he was a punk, and he fucked shit up: 

Also awesome is this image:

Fundamentalists get my chastity belt in a knot.  <_<


Tuesday, 16 April 2019

Another update...

So I was getting slightly ungrounded again, hence the posts about telepathy and the Divine playing with me.  This remaining evil field has been affecting my heart centre, a major psychic centre, which I had to figure out how to liberate.  I had been getting a lot of automatic drawings of hearts, with and without crosses in them, so I took it that my heart needed to be liberated from this, so I prayed to Christ for freedom, specifically referring to my heart centre.  I am now waiting on this, to see if there is a change.

I get really nervous when I lose groundedness, I have been there before and it is not a good place to be.  Mental institutions cannot be trusted to ground me, meds do not work on the soul, they merely tone down any phenomena in the mind, but they don't remove it.  I have been on the highest doses of the most powerful antipsychotic medications, and still I suffered greatly.  This is up to me to resolve.  I will never go back to a mental hospital again unless I am certain I am in immediate danger.  I am not in danger right now... I am just regaining my footing, before it gets out of hand.  80 mg of Latuda would be a reasonable dose if this was actually schizophrenia, but it's the soul that is fighting for sanity right now, not the brain.  Fortunately, I think it's turning around again, and I just need to take it easy and concentrate on this until it ends.  So that's why the comic has been left hanging.  When the soul demands attention, all else must be put on hold.  (I still believe I am winning the fight, though perhaps I hadn't completely won yet, like I thought I had.  I had more work to do with the Divine to stop this... I may have even further work to do.  I must play it by ear.)

The way the ungroundedness and darkness presented this time around was more silly than anything else... it was ridiculous, actually.  This suggests I have already, as I suspected, made a dent in this thing's effect on me.  This is a crazy game of trying to interpret phenomena to figure out my situation, and to understand how to proceed.  Contemplation, some meditation, and prayer (and sometimes smudge, holy water, and talismans... and channel and divination, when accurate) are my only tools.  No living person can save me but me.  I tried getting a shamanic exorcism done once, and it did nothing.  Sigh.

Oh well... I am still functioning very well.  I get out and socialize a lot while this is going on, I do my job, I'm stable mentally... the soul is just confused a bit.  I got a blessing from a bishop on Palm Sunday... I get lots of blessings from priests to help me as well.  I think I caught this early enough to be able to proceed without complications.


Friday, 12 April 2019

Priests watch "The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina"...

Rather funny:

Still no major articles... I have been having quirky stuff going on, so I must concentrate on it.  I'll discuss it more later, as I figure it out.  Doing well, though.  No worries here.  The comic may still take a brief hiatus but I will get to putting up a hiatus notice soon, possibly within a week, if it comes to that.


Sunday, 7 April 2019

Might go on another comic hiatus soon...

Hey, sinners -

There's a chance I might go on another brief Asylum Squad hiatus, because I am dealing with some interesting spiritual phenomena at my end.  I wonder sometimes if Divinity is playing a little game with me, as part of a spiritual initiatory process.  Oh well - the best thing to do is to press on and see what comes of this.  I am in control of my life right now, and can cope with the strangeness - that is the important part, I suppose.  The cough is still going on, but with a second round of antibiotics, it's dying down.

"Confessional" time, on another subject altogether - I feel compelled to tell the world that my BPD diagnosis (the one that wasn't accurate) was never actually clinical, it was me applying it to myself (teens will be teens), maybe a social worker agreed with me.  I faced systematic ruin in part because of this nonsense.  Psychiatric diagnoses have so much power over people's lives, and this one wasn't even real.  That's part of why the Mad Pride movement has been so important to me - talking back to this idea that people can be summed up with clinical labels, and treated a certain way because of them.  Mine wasn't even real, and yet it still seemed to stir a reaction.

Remember, kids: self diagnosis isn't cool.  It can really backfire if the wrong people take it seriously.  We live in an age of idiots with too much power.  What happened with me was unimaginably insulting... I have no words.

Sorry these articles have not been the most interesting as of late... I have been busy socializing.  Maybe I'll have something more interesting to say soon enough.


Monday, 1 April 2019

Still sick!

Seems I came down with some kind of infection, and I'm STILL coughing violently.  This has been a brutal week, I had to take time off from work.  I was at least able to get to Medieval Times for a work party yesterday... I go back to work today.  (Medieval Times was a very silly experience, but kind of fun to go to for a work party.)

Telepathy is something I have been curious about for a long time.  Many indigenous societies have claimed to have used it regularly, while westerners scratch their heads over how to achieve it, or how it works... the Spirit has always been there as a means of long distance communication.  It has recently come to my attention that I might be having telepathic experiences, something I won't go into too much detail about on here, only that if they are actually occurring, I am a bit scared of finding out if they are indeed real or not... the truth, be it that they are happening, or that they are not, would shake me, either way.  I am almost more comfortable living in a bubble of ignorance, not sure of what is really going on.  I won't say much more than that, but if I learn more about telepathic communication, I may do an article about this in the future.  It amazes me what is possible with the Spirit.

Not much else to say right now... some interesting shifts are happening with me, which I want to see played out before talking too much about them.  This cough has been so bad I actually had to get an X-ray done to see if my lungs weren't totally fucked.


Tuesday, 26 March 2019

Experimenting with Holy Water...

Holy Water is something I have only used a little bit in the past, when my demon was active.  Though the stuff seemed to deliver a slight reaction when I dabbed myself with it, I gave up on using it, mostly, and turned to other methods like smudge and talismans while I was trying to kill the damn thing.  But now, while I try to clear anything that remains, I am turning to it again, with experimentation, to see what it can do.

Every time I go to a Catholic cathedral, I ritualistically dab myself, sign of the cross style, with it.  I had also purchased one of those plastic bottles for it, like the one pictured here, to bottle my own at a dispenser at the church.  After getting a blessing the other night at a pro LGBTQ+ Catholic mass service I went to, I got a message that I should keep getting blessings every time I am at a service.  In the past, not being Catholic, I would simply sit it out at communion time, while everyone else lined up.  The way to get around this, officially, is to approach the priest with your arms crossed over your chest, to receive a blessing.  So from now on in, whenever I am at a mass, I am going to do that instead of receiving nothing.  Apparently, blessings in abundance might be just what I need.

It's also come to my attention that I have come to a level of spiritual attunement and development where I can just as easily create my own Holy Water, so I am trying this out at home.  (Saves a lot of trips to the church!)  I simply pray to Christ that it be blessed, and it seems to work - I am getting interesting reactions from using it.  I even did it with my bath water, so I could soak in it, which seemed effective... I had interesting reactions throughout my body while I bathed.  Not knowing enough about what Holy Water can do, this is an experimental thing I'm doing right now, to see what it leads to.

I might as well just have every glass of water I consume blessed too - can't hurt!


UPDATE: Another symbol I was receiving through automatic drawing, on and off, was a series of waves, suggesting water - it was only yesterday that I figured out it must have been a suggestion to try working with Holy Water!  Now I know!

Smudge supplies...

Here are two significant smudge artifacts of mine, that I wanted to discuss:

The smudge feather was something I decorated myself in a native crafts circle in my community, which is super cool - they have instruction on how to build everything from medicine pouches, to dream catchers, and even drums, baby moccasins, and ceremonial dresses!  The feather was one I came upon one day in downtown Toronto, on a side street (of all places).  Not sure of what bird species had dropped it, I found a site online for identifying random feathers, and it turns out that this was dropped by a red tail hawk!  I found that rather special, the Hawk being symbolic of the Messenger in native spirituality, so I held onto it, and later made this smudge feather out of it.  (BTW, the bead colours don't mean anything specifically... there was just a limited number of colours to choose from at the time, and these were the ones I chose.  Sometimes I make jokes about toothpaste, or the Italian flag, but really... they're just decoration.)

The braid of sweetgrass pictured here is an important item to me now, one which I will never ignite again, for this was the sweetgrass I used when I fought the demon while invoking seraphic assistance to enter me to attack it.  I had found this braid of sweetgrass in the hall of my building, up for grabs with other items, as if destiny had it planned out for me.  It was quite dry, but still effective.  Today, I wrapped it in string to keep it bound, and less likely to fall apart, and now I keep it wrapped in tissue paper for added protection.  Not an item I ever plan on getting rid of, just like how I feel about the transmuted rosary, and other power items.

BTW, here's my recipe for that potent smudge I came up with that drives dark spirits bonkers:

•Mix equal amounts of the following using a mortar and pestle:

-White Sage
-Palo Santo chips (or dust, which is even better for mixing)
-Dragon's Blood

•Spoon over a lit charcoal and drive the bad spirits away!

(It sure drove the dark one nuts when I used it on him - didn't kill it, but it had some weakening effect.  I imagine it would be good in other circumstances, too.)


Monday, 25 March 2019

An update on the battle with what remains of the demon...

Hey, sinners - I feel positively sinful right now.  I got hit with a horrendous throat infection, and now I feel sore and weak all over, with a fever, as I hack and cough.  I had to go on antibiotics for this - glad I went to a clinic immediately!  I have to take some time off work because I am just wiped with this one.  (I don't think this is related to my voice changing - I would have caught this infection at work on Friday... my voice was already going through changes long before then.)

The demon, whatever it is/was, still presents somewhat as a cartoon devil, but this feels more like a parody representation of itself, rather than the entity talking to me directly - when this thing had in the past spoken to me directly, it was far darker and more intense than this quality presenting now.  There is a lightness and satisfaction to my soul, which tells me, that despite anxieties that creep into the mind, the soul knows things will be ok.  Having worked enough with the soul, I can tell when this level of me is happy and feeling good, and when it's the mind feeling this.  There's almost a kind of blissful glow to how my soul feels right now, which is my reminder that I am probably going to be ok, whenever the mind gets overwhelmed.  The comforting presence of the Spirit, though not always a perfect channel due to interference, also reassures me.

I kept getting those symbols of Godhead through automatic drawing, so today I thought that they might be a sign from the Spirit to pray to open to to the Godhead, to Keter, or to something like that, so I have focused my prayers on that higher aspect of Divinity.  Perhaps higher realms need to be opened up to finish this shit off?  It's still a battle, but not a horrendous one anymore.  I also have taken to wearing my St. Michael medal, blessed to work with the archangel and with my fight with the demon, as well as my Sacred Heart of Jesus medal, hoping wearing these might have some talismanic effect.  It's evident now that I am going to win, it's just going to take some trial and error to clear out the rest of it.  The demon, I don't even think, has true consciousness anymore, and if it does at all, it's pathetically weak.  This is not an intelligent villain anymore... it's a petulant pest.

This stuff moves ahead at a snail's pace, so I will periodically be making updates as I notice change.  This is nothing like it was, even compared to how it was when I first started this blog, when it felt more aggressive.  It's a guessing game as to how something like this is done.  If, at the end of the day, this is just some kind of extended exorcism and I'm only being stripped of it, fair enough.  I'll own it if I in fact killed nothing.  But right now, every time I marvel over the idea that I may be killing something truly vile, I feel as satisfied as a fat house cat with a vole hanging out of its mouth.


Saturday, 23 March 2019

My opinion on curses...

I wanted to do an article about a popular thing in certain spiritual practises that is being used against the likes of people like Donald Trump and other corrupt politicians and figures - the curse.  En masse, many witches and practitioners like them have been cursing the Human Cheeto monthly, or whatever it has been, with little to no results evident.  Why can't we get rid of him?  I think it's because, in general - these things don't work at all!

(Some of this information is my gut feeling, much of it is what I have received while attempting to read the Akashic Records - so this may change in time, should the insights be refined as I grow, but let's try something here, with where I am in my development, at this stage.)

It is my suspicion that legitimate curses created by humans are so rare, they almost never happen - one must be so involved with the gods, and the gods must see the need for the curse to exist, for it to be effective.  Because they are so rare, they almost certainly fail when they are done.  One might observe certain things going wrong in the life of the "cursed one" and assume that their curse worked, but this is just seeing results that aren't actually there.  A misconception is that demons can curse people - they can certainly disturb people, but they can't curse them.  Arguably, the only true curses come from deities themselves, and it's when they "curse" a human to perform a certain task to change things in the world.  An example of this would be the classic Shamanic Initiatory Crisis, where a human becomes sick in some way, either physically or mentally, and they must learn to heal themselves, to become a healer or medicine person of some kind for the community.  A saint who has been given a mission from God might also arguably be cursed in some way to become consumed with their task - St. Joan of Arc is an example of this.  Again, getting back to the concept of there being a need, if Spirit deems a need is present, the curse drives said human to fulfill that need.  Perhaps, speaking of need, my demon needed to be destroyed, so it could be destroyed, and that's why it was.

(Also, I want to mention this - the reason that certain people achieve higher degrees of spiritual prowess and power comes down to the requirement that they develop it, so that they may fulfill their duties to creation.  One who simply dedicates their practice to achieving personal power may indeed see results with it, but it will never amount to the same level of power as one who has that natural duty to serve.)

So go ahead, sinner - burn that picture of your ex-boyfriend while listening to Evanescence or whatever it is that makes you feel better about him breaking your heart, cuz it's just gonna be a means of venting to ease the tension, no one is going to actually get hurt by it.  Sometimes, spellcraft can do something, but spells are not the same as curses.  Curses are not what most people think they are.  A true curse is a means of breaking a certain pattern in the world in order to usher in better results.


Thursday, 21 March 2019


I have an interesting theory about why some cultures and groups have both a stronger belief in, and greater successes with, talismans, and other sacred items.  I wish to discuss this based on my own usage of them, and the results I have encountered.

There's a frustration in the western world about spirituality - so many are craving it, and yet, they don't understand it.  Things like New Age and alternative religions are on the rise, there is a deep longing that the spiritually impoverished west has, there is a dissatisfaction with the modern world, despite its glitz and convenience.  A natural desire to return to more traditional ways is cropping up, the technological age is proving to be not quite what we had hoped for in some regards.  So many explore paths, often based on practises of societies that follow spiritual traditions, but something is lacking in the results.  Why?  Here's my argument:

Societies that are more traditional in nature as far as culture goes, who have less reliance on technology and other facets of the modern age, have greater needs in ways that the west does not, needs that must be met somehow.  This in turn leads to a greater communal connection to the Spirit, who responds to these needs.  Because the west is as developed as it is, in the way that it is, there is less of this kind of need.  It's not so much that western people are necessarily practising certain rituals the wrong way, it's that without that relationship with the Spirit that more connected communities have, there is less success with the outcomes.  If a need must be met, a sacred item will work - the Spirit responds to that need.  That same item, on someone who does not have that need will not necessarily lead to results.  A sacred item on one person is simply an ineffective item on another, even if it has produced a result on the first person.  This is true for crystals as well - it's not that they're horseshit, it's that they work when they need to, otherwise, they are just pretty rocks.

In the west, because we have so much we rely on in the sciences and technology for our functioning and survival, things that work for our society, there is less of a need to fill, so there is less success with this kind of spiritual practice.  I believe my items were talismans that worked properly for me, because there was a definite need - I needed to fight a dark thing, something sciences couldn't help me with, so they actually worked.  Otherwise, they would have simply been religious items and nothing more, had that darkness not been involved, or had this been an actual mental health issue, and only that.  This is something that, I believe, is lacking in western thought on spirituality, and so the sciences are frustrated that they can't prove this stuff is real or not.  Many atheistic scientists have been turned around as thinkers after living in certain societies for a while, Haiti as an example, once they see what these people experience.  I even think that homeopathy works sometimes, enough people claim it does, but only when there is a true need that other medicines can't fulfill, and when it is done in the right way.

So sorry, bingo lady - Lucky Buddha candle ain't gonna do jack shit at the hall.  But someone may find successes, even in the west, with a talisman of some sort, if there is a deep need that nothing else but the Spirit can fulfill.  It is a connection that is made through the item to the Spirit to fulfill a need, and for whatever reason, must be represented symbolically in a way that makes sense.


Wednesday, 20 March 2019

My voice is changing... AGAIN!

My voice is again changing somehow... now I sound a bit like how I imagine this version of Tank Girl would sound (sort of like Lori Petty's version of Tank Girl in a way too - right now, it's slightly higher pitched, scratchy, and playful, but with nice tone too).  I am not sure what the end result of this will be, but something dramatic is changing about it - I hope I sing well again at karaoke tonight.  (I guess I thought of Tank Girl for this voice because I looked a bit like her when I was very slim, in my early 20s, and with a mostly shaved head.  I didn't have her confidence at that time... now I do!)

An update on the residue from having battled dark forces: it's still there, but nothing is really dark about it now... it simply makes the quality of any relevant channeled information less clear, so that the general idea comes through, but is slightly murky with the wrong language to describe details.  There's a silliness, as opposed to a bleakness now... nothing is truly upsetting about it.  It simply is there, is fading, and as it fades, is less obtrusive, and less irritating.  So I imagine, as I had before, that there is little I can do with practice to accelerate the deterioration of this, but be patient.  In my soul, I know I am fine... it is only the mind that is not 100% sure at all times, being impacted as it was by this.  But I'm sure as heck more confident that all will be well than I was before.  I haven't had any panic moments in a very long time, and my desire to put myself down is pretty much gone.  I am still a self-deprecating person sometimes, to some extent, but playfully so, not in a self-sabotaging way.  With this new personality shift, I also have greater ease with frustrations around me.  I do get the sense that the Self is really beginning to take command.


Tuesday, 19 March 2019

Why humans are hardwired for religion...

I have this deep rooted opinion that humans, by nature, are religious - in fact, it's needed for them to be satisfied, to survive.  Not so much in the sense that mainstream religion is the answer, only that the need for healthy religion is apparent, and, especially in this day and age, it is needed moreso than ever.

An atheistic or agnostic person will unconsciously still seek out experiences that mirror religious practice, even if there is no association made with spiritual usage - one might tattoo or ornament their bodies in some way, collect items that have significance, consume substances to experience altered states, dance, have certain rituals in their lives, or adopt alternative lifestyles to fulfill a need or purpose.  This is a bit deeper than just things that humans like to do, it's pretty necessary that they exist for humans to survive, adapt, and grow.  Societies that rely on spiritual practice understand this well.  Humans crave religious practice, even if they aren't religious themselves - there is a need to supplement somehow, kind of like a vegan who enjoys veggie-based meat products, or a lesbian who uses a strap-on.

It seems that the caveat of the Age of Reason, where much of humanity took on a more atheistic approach to understanding existence, deciding that after death there is no more, was that there was a desire to create a sort of "Heaven on Earth" scenario, in which everyone became driven to live like kings, thus birthing things like capitalism.  But the Earth herself cannot sustain this lifestyle for all, considering the number of humans in existence, so it exhausts her.  If religion, when done properly, was adopted more universally by the world, the understanding that there is more that lies beyond this mortal plane would, in my opinion, lead to less desire to "have it all", in the material sense, on this plane, because satisfaction would come of connection to Spirit, and the joys that this connection brings.  One does not need material riches so much, when they have spiritual ones.

Fortunately, there seems to be a rise in more Earth-based religions as of late, the desire to serve and know the Goddess is on the rise, the rejection of the Patriarchy that has corrupted great religions like Christianity is playing out in the exploration of what more Pagan-esque style spirituality can bring.  Unfortunately, I see that many get things a bit wrong - there is an idea that the Devil is a sly rebel, one who thinks for himself, an impish trickster - what could be more "badass" than rebelling against God Himself?  But the Devil is not true punk - he is in fact a kind of conformist in the worst sense, he has corrupted our connection to the Shekinah, he has corrupted religion, he has brought anger and hatred and madness to the forefront of human thought and emotion, butchering the connection humanity had with its ties to nature itself.  He is so clever, people get him wrong, assuming he IS nature, assuming he would "get" them, so things like Satanic religious cults are cropping up a lot lately, with the wrong ideas, and it concerns me as to what will happen to those who adopt these practises who actually see results from them.  Satan is not nature... the Goddess is nature.  She needs to be listened to, the Devil needs to be rejected.  When people turn to cursing corrupt politicians with practises of some of these paths, they are fighting fire with fire... it does nothing.  Because it does not serve the Devil to remove a bad man from power, the curse fails.  This is not how Spirit operates.  Satan will never reward those who are good... he makes kings out of fools.

Also, something else that is unrelated to this subject matter that I wish to say something about, that I feel compelled to do, something about a character in my comic, from "The Psychosis Diaries":  Plant Mick, I know you are a good person.  My frustration is not with you as a human being, but with an understanding that I am missing based on a lack of communication.  So please understand I know you are a fine individual, the anger I have displayed in the past comes from confusion and sorrow, nothing more.  :)


Monday, 18 March 2019


It's not quite Wisconsin-esque nerd girl goofball that my voice became... it's Sandi Griffin from Daria.  I had to do an entire shift at work with a nasal-y sexiness that was awkward but very cute... then I went to karaoke.

By the time I arrived, my voice had basically reverted to a more standard sounding version of itself.  I tried my hand at some diva tunes ("Deeper and Deeper" by Madonna, "Finally" by Ce Ce Peniston, and "Money Money Money" by ABBA), and was amazed at how much better I was able to sing them.  (I used to be a terrible singer, and with practice I became a mediocre one... I am much better at rapping.  But tonight, I had better range, more strength in my voice, and more control of my vocal cords.)

I didn't mention this on here, but there was a prayer I had uttered rather recently, to the Goddess, to improve my singing capability.  Were these strange vocal fluctuations something changing in my vocal capacity?  Time will tell, I suppose.

Anyway, here is the Sandi Griffin voice, if you want to know how quirky I sounded - this is literally what my voice was, at least for a time:

Not sure if the Sandi Griffin voice is my new voice or not, if it's going to switch back again, or if it's just a weird phase in something shifting, but the weirdness continues!  Never a dull moment, really.


UPDATE: My analyst confirmed that as the Self begins to present itself in an individual, this can affect speech in some ways as well.  So there's that to consider too.

Sunday, 17 March 2019

Now my voice is changing altogether!

Oh shit... my voice is getting very peculiar now, as something of the Self comes forward - what on earth is next?!

I sound like some kind of Wisconsin-esque goofball nerd girl... it's endearing, however, it's very quirky, and pretty jarring to me that this happened.  I sounded nothing like this before.  First, the cadence and wording changed, now there's a nasal quality to my voice and something of the delivery that is very different.  I am really not sure what to make of this - I feel very much more connected to my Self, am far more confident, but this new voice sounds quite ridiculous to me, and I don't know how others will respond to how I sound.  I talked to a friend today who runs a shop, and after a few sentences, he passed me a tissue box, assuming I had a cold.  Am I truly, at my core, this peculiar?

I read tarot for others this St. Paddy's Day, and the reactions have been interesting.  Seems I either impress, or trigger a strange response... not one of disappointment, but sometimes tears or anxiety.  Am I hitting the nail on the head too well, in a way that's disturbing?  Is this accurate information?  I am not yet consistently confident to be a professional, but often bring my deck to a bar when I go for karaoke.  People sometimes buy me drinks for a reading... it's interesting, to say the least, of what comes of it.

Oh man... this voice!  I hope people don't think I'm putting this on for some strange personality experiment.  This is not the voice I would have chosen... it's rather awkward to get used to, it's got a cuteness but a very quirky quality.


A note about slow updates for Asylum Squad...

I know, I know... I am up to my old tricks again - not updating regularly, taking my sweet time with the comic.  Please allow me to explain:

I get a real sense that there is a necessity for me to take my time with the finale, for there is a need for strengthening myself to be sure, but also, in doing so, strengthening the end result of the series.  There is an important policy speech to come that sums up the ultimate message of the comic, and I want to get it right.  Because of the recent breakthroughs in my growth, there is some interesting wisdom coming through, or at least a strength in my ideas, that would allow for greater articulation and understanding of what my comic is truly about.  I have a general sense of what to say, but without this new aspect of my development at the place I want to see it at, that policy speech might not amount to what it could, if I were to take my time with my growth.

So bear with me, it will be completed, it is not going on a major hiatus anytime soon... I just need to see this period through, something is changing in me yet again, and I want it to add to the work itself.

I appreciate your patience, you have been a fantastic audience for allowing me to take my time.


Saturday, 16 March 2019

The demon's cartoon network...

Pretentiousness is a quality that has irked me overtime in a powerful way.  It evokes strong feelings that one is being insincere, a pretentious person comes across as not genuine, there is a sense that I am being conned in some way when I see it, and I pick up on it very easily.

Furthering my post about the demon and I and how we argued with one another in the way that we did, I should mention more about the interesting quality that was presented.  It was as though, me being a cartoonist, my journey with this thing was comedically presented to me in my mind's eye as a kind of strange animated television show, which began with a kind of whimsical comedy, but overtime took a stranger turn.

In the beginning, it was a kind of weird "Mel Brooks" kind of experience, where it was as though I heard Mel Brooks' voice telling me that I was the Jewish Messiah (hence where the Henry Chan stuff in Asylum Squad came from) - there was an air of old world cinematic imagery to it, and a playful ode to Jewish entertainment.  (Once, I even had this kind of laugh track throughout an entire day, which would trigger if something odd or funny happened in my life.)  The hilarity and strangeness of it was very amusing, and I was almost, in a way, seduced by it - not being one who can be seduced sexually, the demon found ways to seduce me to do frustrating things using humour.

But, and especially after smoking many cigarettes, the tobacco affecting me in some spiritual way, there were changes to the tone, and a quality of pretentiousness creeped into the feel of the experience.  It had gone from lightness and fun, to a kind of tacky, retro 80s shame, the kind that I feel when I revisit a childhood cartoon that I may have enjoyed as a kid, but see as base entertainment as an adult.  It then went from this strange 80s silliness quality, to something a bit more sinister, like a kind of old style racist cartoon quality, where tobacco smoking could even lead to racist cartoons of Native Americans, which made me feel very uncomfortable in many ways, witnessing it in my psyche.

Something was so strong about how pretentious these visions became, that I was repulsed by them, and felt angry and insulted to behold them.  I would heckle them, like someone at a bad movie.  Sometimes, it was as though my subconscious thoughts were being exploited in this style in my own mind, which was extremely embarrassing and upsetting.  After the assault from the demon, and the ceremonial tobacco smoking, this awfully embarrassing quality changed into a sort of sense that I might have blown something about how the visions came through - there was a decay in presentation, as though perhaps a part of my brain had been affected.  I recognize now that it was not the brain that had become ill, it was something affecting the psyche to produce this illusion.  If a vision came through clearly enough at all, it was like a quirky kind of not-very-well-made thing, as though coming from a low budget animation studio, as though composed by amateurs.

Antipsychotics, as I have said before, were the answer to coping in the world with this going on.  Sometimes, some beauty would come through, as though the Spirit was encouraging me to hang in there - those visions, also cartoon like, often enough, were much more beautiful and inspiring, and were kind of what I needed to feel that there was goodness involved as well.  I could sense when it was the demon speaking to me this way, by picking up if there was anything pretentious there - if it was him, there was something off about how the experience presented, a vision might look beautiful, but there was an insincerity to what it was about, or some quality to the tone, that suggested nothing of it meant anything.  That was my means of gauging whether something was of Divinity, or something sinister.

Now, any trace of this phenomenon seems to be fading completely.  I am now considering that nothing of this was true active imagination, but something more peculiar than even that.  If I reach a state when I can truly understand, I may be able to explain it better later.


Friday, 15 March 2019

My cadence has changed!

There are indeed some powerful shifts at play in me, as was predicted by the channel recently, when I was at Celtic Liturgy.  The Friday following that event when the channel opened up and spoke to me, I began to feel interesting sensations in my head, which were only slightly distracting while attempting to do my shift at work that evening.  What followed was a stream of finer information when utilizing the tarot to psychically open, which may still not be the finest information, but there was a degree of wisdom and advice to its quality, as though some facet of me that may have been dormant is now opening up.  Perhaps the Crown aspect of consciousness is at play in this on some level... something is happening in my brain, and I am fascinated to observe it.

Now I can open to pose questions about various subject matter, and fascinating insights come of the questions I pose.  There's a quality to my cadence that is very different from what it was, I observe it, and so did my analyst when I saw him yesterday.  It's as though I have a stronger grasp of various concepts, and a better way with words when presenting my ideas, and it flows more freely, in a way that makes greater sense.

One prayer I had uttered to Metatron very recently, that I may or may not have mentioned on here before, was for a change in my personality that it may reflect, and be more like, my Self.  Perhaps this, among other things, is a result of this request.  There is a very acute nature to this change, one I can feel, as though a physical sensation, and a quality to my understanding of things, as both channel and contemplation conjure ideas, that is richer than it was before.

So this post is simply an update on what I had mentioned in my Ash Wednesday post, that what I described was not mere hyperbole, but in fact a true premonition of a change that was to follow.  As it changes again, which I sense it will, I will expand on what becomes of it.


Wednesday, 13 March 2019

The relationship dynamic between the demon and I...

It's worth discussing how absurd the battle between my demon and I became, because it's a great story, and if I do indeed make a comic of this someday, I should have some documentation in some way of the tone of this relationship.

The demon, as I have mentioned before, presented as a kind of cartoon devil in my psyche, often as a sly sort of Anton LaVeyan kind of trickster, with a goatee and red skin, the kind of thing you often see in hot rod art.  For whatever reason, he was presented mostly in a series of cartoon show style visions, that I couldn't shut down in my mind, that thankfully it seems the Spirit made more comical so I could avoid being too disturbed by them.  Because of this element of comedy, the way he presented and the way I responded became a kind of catty bitch fight between us, at least in the beginning, that can only be described with THIS song:

"Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better"

He would try to flood my mind with embarrassing or strange imagery when I played my "annoying" techno pop (he especially hated the Pet Shop Boys - sacrilege!), stuff that would creep into my psyche.  My way of coping was to mock the shit out of it, in a kind of retaliation, to belittle him, and talk down to him like some nasty auntie of his.  It got to a level of absurdity where he began to find me funny, and we'd laugh together over the absurdity, something he hated doing, because he so despised me, he only wanted to laugh at me.  When I would use self deprecating humour to laugh along with him, this irritated him to no end, and he would groan about it.

As things got worse and the true pain set in, the "fun times" of the catty bitch fight phase transformed into something far more sinister, where he had gained a great deal of control of me, and began a kind of soul torture that again is beyond words, and shouldn't ever be described, some of it was truly filthy.  It took a very long time, much prayer, and the necessity of antipsychotics and several hospital stays (when it got REALLY bad) to eventually get the upper hand again... it was a very bleak time until that happened.  Jesus Christ coming into my life was the true start of the next phase.

After Christ became a factor, this demon started to panic a bit, and worry that the end was coming for him.  He would still try to muck with me, to delay the inevitable, but it only caused me some mild confusion (mostly), and ultimately, he gave up and just began to explain that I was indeed going to kill him.  He showed a fear of me that I thought was trickery sometimes, I didn't get this actually would come to me removing him from existence.  Sometimes, I would yell at my Jesus items, demanding that he take this thing out of my life, but that was only out of panic, not understanding why Christ wouldn't just whisk him away.  God had other plans.

Eventually, towards the end of the 12 and a half year battle, this demon was basically begging me to finish him off.  One of the last things I recall him saying through channel was that he deserved a Darwin award.  Haha - always with a sense of humour, you sly motherfucker.  <_<

So I thought I would just make this post about this quirky kind of hate-hate relationship, that was so over the top and comical it probably deserves to be told in some other format.  I only wish others could have seen some of the humour, but I would not wish the horror upon any person I know.


Tuesday, 12 March 2019

My childhood "imaginary" enemy...

Some children discuss having imaginary friends, and many people have speculated that these may in fact be ancestors or friendly spirits that the children can see, at least up until a certain point, and then they are taught to reject their existence, and conform to the world around them.  I had something else, which I probably should discuss, considering the battle with my demon.  I had an "imaginary" enemy.

"Lucy" was someone I supposedly talked about a lot to my parents, she was an angry looking girl with red hair and missing teeth who made me do "bad things".  If I misbehaved in some way, or had an outburst, I would blame this on "Lucy".  Now that I have lived through legitimate demonic possession, "Lucy" is someone I have started to think about on and off.

Having no adult memory of this girl, except the memory of my mother telling me I talked about her as a toddler, it's interesting how this was a factor in my early childhood, and that I would later be confronted through a ouija board by something saying it wanted to kill me.  As a child, I was a sweet, lovely, sensitive, creative person, but riddled with dread, shame, fear, worry, and my childhood wasn't the greatest.  A lot of kids picked on me in grade school, namely because, being sensitive, it was easy to provoke tears in me, and so they would ridicule me in some way to generate this response.  On the very first day of kindergarten, for example, my way of expressing myself to other children was to go up to them and hug them as a means of saying hello, which they found strange, so I was immediately ostracized.  I got a reputation for being too "wimpy" because of my gentle nature, and it followed me until I moved out of the province I was in.  Always, I felt out of sorts, but it seemed even deeper than just the bullying, there was an innate fear in me, and I wonder if "Lucy" was something darker than just an idea.

It's also interesting that my demon called itself "Satan" and "The Devil" and this imaginary red haired girl who got me to act out called itself "Lucy", which of course is like the name "Lucifer".  This just hit me the other day, and my jaw dropped over it.  Was I in fact haunted since birth by something?  Why?  Certainly, when I used a ouija board for the first time at 14, it immediately sprang into action, it didn't need any kind of "warm up" - that's weird too.

I had a bitch phase in high school, where I acted out in a major way, was kind of nasty to others, and very self destructive, and this was only after this ouija board shit.  I didn't feel like my true self at all for a very long time.  This version of me was not real, it was a strange phase that carried into my 20s where I was trying to figure myself out.  It has only been recently that I am getting a stronger sense of my true nature, and that this is still emerging in me - the angry pixie blonde nightmare girl is someone I still punish in my mind, but I know I will come around and forgive her eventually as well.  The child me, I wish to embrace, the teenage me, I might give a swift slap across the face, before doing the same.

I suppose the best tool for figuring out things like this "Lucy" character is my psychic skill with the Akashic Records, because I sure as heck have no memory as to what "Lucy" made me do, or how I felt.  Now, I feel a sense of alleviation, that this darkness must be gone, that any remaining mild strangeness is just some after effect of some sort, and that sooner or later, it too will be gone.

Currently, I am focusing on relaxation, celebration, and betterment.  That seems to be what my duty to myself is right now.


Saturday, 9 March 2019

The story of a hat: A weird Akashic Records exercise...

It's getting to be really interesting and comical, the kinds of information I seem to be able to obtain psychically, even about the most mundane shit in the world.  Here's an example from today:

I was in Chinatown, after going shopping for new frames from an eyewear store, and having food at a local cafe, when I popped into one of those strange stores that sells random imported items.  I noticed a very ugly pink baseball cap that said some stuff on it like "Sexy fun time" or some other such nonsense, and immediately wondered who on earth would end up buying such a thing.  For shits and giggles, I opened my mind to the Records, and channeled the message: "Someone who is not sure of what to do with their life".  I snickered so much I had to leave the store before drawing attention to myself.  Here are further details as to the story of this hat, from whence it came, and what is to come of it:

The hat was made in a very bad sweatshop in a country in Asia, perhaps the Philippines, but was shipped to China for distribution, where it then made its way to North America, and then specifically to Canada.  Some guy who is kind of a douche, like a dirtbag guy, is gonna see this cap, think it's cool, and he's gonna buy it because it was only $3.00.  He is a person who is not particularly intelligent, has poor hygiene, and will end up in a homeless shelter, which he ends up getting kicked out of, the hat ends up in a storage box of some kind, and then someone else inherits it.  This person is much nicer, they don't even really want the hat but take it anyway, because even though they hate it, they feel somehow that they need to accept it.  This person eventually gets rid of it.  It goes to a dump, and rots.

So as I grow as a psychic, I guess this is the kind of thing I will do with random objects, scenarios, and people for exercise, and of course for fun.  Not only is this a riveting thing to laugh at, it's good practice.  I have no idea how long it takes people to get to master levels with this, but in the meantime, I might as well have some laughs, regardless of how accurate I am or not.


Friday, 8 March 2019

Future life readings...

If my understanding of the Akashic Records is correct, it contains the collected knowledge of all that has ever been, all that is, and all that will ever be.  So, with that in mind, I am now attempting to read the future lives, or at least the karmic patterns, of people I have known.

As a fun experiment (because I certainly was his guinea pig for long enough), let's take my awful ex-psychiatrist as a test subject again and subject him to a karmic reading of what is to come for him:

So in this life, it says he is going to lose someone to suicide, it will shatter him, and it may even cost him the ability to perform his career.  Wow - bye bye to condescending personal lectures and ordering the shoving of needles into the asses of unwilling patients, Dr. Asswipe!  Yikes!  Now, onto the next life...

In the next life, he is a King of Wands type (yet again, because I get that that's whom he is like in this life as well), but with a mental health challenge - interesting irony.  If he listens to his mind more, and solves the problem, his karma improves.

If he does not solve this problem in this next life, he comes back again with crippling psychiatric disease, and is a complete wimp in some way... like a lame duck or something.  Karma is going to play out very strangely for this man... he doesn't seem to know how to get his puck in the net as far as personal betterment is concerned.

The reading suggests that he FINALLY gets to a betterment stage in the third life from now, where he becomes a better person, in the form of a woman.  Pretty stubborn soul, I guess.

So yeah... this is just practice for now.  I am still not aware of how accurate I am with any of this, but what comes of my readings sometimes blows my mind.  So it's up to me to keep trying things out, and seeing where it leads me.


Past life readings...

I was very tempted to do a post about celebrity past life readings I have received, but decided ultimately that that would be verging on tacky, and I'm not even sure how accurate I am, or how a famous person would react to some of what I have to say, should they not like the information.  But I will say that when I read my dream mensch, Udo Kier, I found out that he has a tendency to come back as exceptionally beautiful specimens, and was equally gorgeous as a young man in his last life too.  I doubt Udo would have a problem with me saying that!  <3

One of the most joyful schadenfreude moments I got out of this was in reading a former psychiatrist who had seriously wronged me (and had also wronged a friend of mine), is publicly known for being a bastard who doesn't care to listen to what his patients have to say, and who fills the minds he treats with lies about how dangerous it is to ever come off of psychiatric medication, saying it will cause brain damage, even when it is done properly.  In this life, he is a bad shrink, he is an ass - in his last life, he was apparently a vicious serial rapist who murdered some of his victims, and was so sick and disgusting that later in prison, he was murdered by other convicts.  WELL!  I suppose corrupt psychiatrist is slightly better than serial rapist/murderer, but having been under his "care" I can't say it's by much!  ;D

So this is my new party trick, reading past lives now... but I want to be ethical about it.  I am not sure how I could tell a good person in this life that they were an awful person in a previous life, so perhaps it should only be revealed if someone is dying to know.  Spirit now chastises me a little bit about publicly prying into the private lives of others - understandably so... it starts feeding me obvious nonsense, like spinning the cards and talking about things that make little to no sense, or that sound silly.  I guess it's not just a case of growing as one who can actually do this, but of understanding what is ethically just from what is just plain exploitative.  I am a well meaning person, but this is in a way like a new toy that I have yet to figure out - I need to be respectful.  (Yes, I have a naughty streak, obviously!)

I tend to also read about how my day will go - I pull a card to see the vibe of what I'm in for, what I can expect.  Tonight I am bracing myself - supposedly it's gonna be a frustrating shift.  One time I pulled the Moon card for the evening, thought it would apply to the tone of the shift, the shift went well, but later in bed I was feeling anxiety and worry about my station in life, and my psyche.

It'll be interesting to see how accurate I grow overtime.


Thursday, 7 March 2019

Divine Love...

Love is a very complex thing for me.  On the one hand, having been harmed physically by several men, having suffered a great deal of heartbreak in life, love leaves me rather embittered when it comes to my relations, particularly with the opposite sex.  I don't expect it to come my way in the form of a significant other - if it does, I will be pleased, but I am trying to prepare myself for a lifetime without a partner.  I am trying to "divorce" myself from the romantic notion that there's a special someone for every person, and one just has to find them... I think that's a lofty idea, and that this kind of love isn't for everyone.  I don't have crushes anymore, but there is still a yearning for a worldly partner, to some extent.  It would be much easier if I could just erase this amorous desire, one which is based more on cravings for psychologically intimate friendships over anything remotely erotic.

However, love is a VERY powerful factor in another way in my life, in a profound sense, one that I think most humans, at least all seekers, desire.  I feel saturated with love from Divinity, something I feel deeply in my soul at all hours of the day.  It's a kind of lightness of being, a tingle, a sense of peace with whatever comes my way, that the universe cares about me and protects me.  I feel this in all places I reside, but especially in sacred spaces, such as churches or the convent.  Hence, why I so enjoy the convent stays, because it's like being immersed in this sensation of Divine bliss.  Sometimes I crave church environments the way a dehydrated person craves water.

It's kind of like a beauty I can't really describe, the same way one would find it a challenge to describe what makes a certain wine fine to someone who has never tasted wine, or colour to one who only sees in black and white.  All I can say is I feel lighter now, and a glowing kind of sensation penetrates me.  This began in my chest through my Christ opening, but now extends throughout my body, as though all over.  There is an ease in living that was not there before, a love of stillness and simplicity, a craving for solitude but also greater joy in the company of others... a desire to share but also to listen more.  (BTW, I may seem rather snarky on here at times because of my foul mouth, but in reality I have a very quiet and subtle nature, which may come as a surprise - I have learned to listen more in conversation.)

When I am alone in my bed, as I have mentioned before, the Spirit supplements my desire for human touch with a caress from my hand, stroking my face, squeezing my other hand, embracing me, as though with the arms of a lover.  This is enough to keep me from getting lonely, when living alone gets to be a little too much.  Perhaps, if I am meant to remain single, this is all I need to get through life.  After all, God's love is eternal, He will never leave me - a lover could cheat or leave, or at least die before I do.

I am also very fortunate to have a great number of good friends and a kind family, so there's that kind of love in my life as well.


Wednesday, 6 March 2019

Ash Wednesday...

(This post's title is a bit of a misnomer... I didn't actually make it out for the Ash Wednesday church service today to get "smudged", but I did get to the United Church for their monthly Celtic Liturgy evening.)

So while I was at Celtic Liturgy, sitting next to the Anglican Druid and singing some hymns, I suddenly got the urge to pray to the angels I work with, under my breath, that they work within me, particularly on allowing the mind to open to the soul.  Shortly after saying "amen", a channel of information opened up, and as I walked the labyrinth on the floor, it continued - again, under my breath (I am very discreet about this stuff).

I can't even explain everything it said, in part because it's rather personal to my development, but also because I don't remember it all, but it seemed very important, so I will be monitoring how my consciousness changes as the weeks progress, probably typing out updates on here if I sense anything.  It's like the subconscious has been transforming for a while, and perhaps needed an extra boost to move it along.  Maybe this is the boost it needed.

I have also begun to try reading past lives with tarot and the Akashic Records, and it's interesting what has been said of others through channel.  But when I read myself, it says I never lived before - fascinating.  My Mom was an interesting young man who died in his youth of a strange disease, my Dad was an intellectual scholar, which is funny because in this life as my Dad he hated academia and was a 3 time university dropout (who was still able to rise in the ranks in his field, he was brilliant at what he did).

More updates to come on my development, as things progress!


Tuesday, 5 March 2019

Group convent stay!

The next time I return to the Anglican convent, later this year, (probably during the summer) might be as a group getaway, provided the convent guesthouse can accommodate us.

It will likely be four of us - me (a Catholic curious Anglican), an old friend (an Anglican curious Catholic), the Anglican Druid, and a self identified Jewish Princess (I really hope she enjoys herself there - but she truly desires to join us, so who knows).

I hope going as a group does not disrupt the solitude I like to go to sacred places for - I'd like if it doesn't result in us just sitting around playing Scrabble or something like that.  Three of us are serious seekers, while the fourth I think simply looks for unique experiences.  But this could be interesting regardless - the place is very beautiful, the spiritual energy is very strong there, I almost felt like I was high when I walked in, and that stayed with me for the length of the retreat.

I am still sometimes kind of upset that I don't have what it takes to become a real nun - I wish I loved poverty as much as St. Francis of Assisi did, instead of just loving self deprecating humour as much as Jeremy Hotz does.  I am modest though not modest enough to be a sister (except of course for when I'm REALLY not modest, like when I wear the latex nun habit while killing demons, but that's a Quentin Tarantino kind of thing), I am foul mouthed, having been raised on a steady diet of "Derek and Clive" comedy sketches from two hippie parents.  I can't stand the idea of being obedient to a potentially grouchy Mother Superior, if she expects me to toil over something I feel isn't right for me.  I crave simplicity, but perhaps this would be the wrong context, considering the way I go about my religious path, versus what a conservative group of nuns would honour.  Maybe if I was from another century, or in another country, it would be a good fit for me.

I still have mild worldly ambition, I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing, considering my long term spiritual goals.