Sunday, 30 September 2018

My shrine...

Here's a pic of my "Bhakti" shrine.  I like to honour various figures of Christianity, Hinduism, and several angels.  (Sorry this photo is so crappy... my phone camera is pathetic.)

Some people are obsessed with looking at porn, cute animals, or food images online... I like to gaze at pictures of shrines and altars.  Here is a link to a great site for doing just that:

Fuck Yeah Altars

As mentioned earlier, although I have a kind of "folk Catholicism" thing going on, I am more drawn to Hinduism in general.  The Bhagavad Gita speaks to me way more than the Holy Bible does... I also love The Upanishads.  But the writings of St Teresa of Avila, and other mystics, speak to me as well.  Perhaps I will do book discussions of various mystical writings later.  (BTW, if you want to get into the Bhagavad Gita, avoid the Hare Krishna edition - look for the Eknath Easwaran translation.)

Oh BTW, speaking of "folk Catholicism", I should include a link to this interesting video where a Santero discusses the religion of Santeria, it's fascinating.  (WARNING: There is an animal sacrifice towards the end, but the video warns of this beforehand, so if you're squeamish, just avoid that part.  I could never be a Santera... I squirm at the idea of animal sacrifice!)


Saturday, 29 September 2018

Ok, so here's what actually happened...

I should probably now post an entry about some of the spiritual horror I have experienced that led me to go mad.  Though I have leapt from one conclusion to another in relation to what my true problem was, today might have been a watershed in my healing process, so I think I can divulge the story of my tumble down the rabbit hole from hell a little more.  Asylum Squad Side Story was mainly fiction with some stuff in there based on true events, but I wrote it in a psych ward with doctors chiming in about schizophrenia all the time, so that influenced my ideas.  Now I know that that's horseshit.  Don't get me wrong - medications have helped me to cope, but the label itself is not related to my condition, and I wholeheartedly reject it.  So hold onto yer asses, cuz this is some Grade A Anneliese Michel shit:

My first experimentation with ouija board was early on in my first year of high school, when I was 14 years old.  Another student introduced me to a board he had made, and it began to do odd things.  It spoke of a character named "Napoleon" and all this other odd stuff, the kids and I got into it.  Later, I played with it with some neighbour kid, it started saying nothing but that it was going to kill me, and then it said it was in my black yin necklace, which immediately fell apart.  I burned that fucking board, and although I got curious here and there years later, it never did that kind of thing again, not until my 24th year, when I felt the presence of something creeping over me, and an aching desire for enlightenment, to find God, or something.  So I began to play with a new board I made, and again funny things began to come of it.  I was consuming marijuana, I was able to open my Ajna (third eye) centre, but it went strange and I felt like something was assaulting the psyche.  I became a bit of a puppet to this intelligence and I was seeing strange things about other people in my life, sort of kind of psychic opening stuff, but this presence was warping the meaning of it, and I made an ass of myself socially, alienating myself and causing problems.  No one knew how I suffered.  By this point, the thing was calling itself "Satan", "The Devil" and I was under a spell of some sort, unable to think for myself, a slave to an unknown intelligence.

I ended up homeless, talking to this thing, was repeatedly hospitalized, physically restrained (sometimes against my will, sometimes because I asked for it out of the fear I would do something like gouge an eye out of my socket), I was afraid of the known stigmatization of psychiatric diagnoses like schizophrenia, which is what I knew they would call it, so I avoided meds for a while, not knowing that the meds would help me to live with this.  At one point, I felt an invisible penis rape my Svadhisthana chakra, something got inside of my soul, and I was really messed up.  The only thing that kept me from killing myself was a gentle presence that reassured me that all would be well someday, and the fear that if I did kill myself, I would have to confront this thing on another plane in an awful way, much worse than being alive with it.  (Also, I did not want to hurt friends and family.)  At the same time, I was getting visions of Ganesha, I saw the Eye of God flood my psyche while paralyzed to my mattress in a room I was renting, I thought plants were talking to me, all this sacred imagery came to mind, and I started channeling.  A rosary levitated in my hand, and it became painful sometimes to touch crosses, like an electrical kind of pain.  I was being instructed by the kinder channel to kill the evil, which often presented itself as a cartoon devil, possibly because I'm a cartoonist, but also because Spirit wanted me to be able to tolerate the evil better, by making it comical.  (One time it even appeared as Frylock from Aqua Teen Hunger Force!)

After eviction and more horrendous social problems, I ended up in jail, incarcerated in hospital for a year, and learned I had to tough it out and live with a bunch of stupid white coats calling me schizophrenic, because I knew there was no convincing them, and at least their drugs kind of toned it down so my brain centres would not get overwhelmed and lead me to losing control of my functions again.  I had no idea where I would ever find a willing exorcist to get rid of this, no one believed in what I was talking about.  I had been put on a community treatment order prior, and when it expired, I did not trust psychiatry not to want to try something worse on me, say ECT, so I tried finding help in other ways, and it backfired.  In hospital, I grew up a lot, I wasn't sure anymore what it all meant, I focused on my comics, because I could not make sense of life anymore, or why this had happened to me.  I had never sought out evil forces with spirituality in my life, and something otherworldly REALLY wanted to ruin me.

When I finally got out, I tried various paths to see if I could figure out the issue, for psychiatry had slightly convinced me it was not a sinister force, but I did not think it was schizophrenia either.  I thought it was a shamanic initiatory crisis, or perhaps a botched kundalini rising, I tried kundalini yoga which got me nowhere.  I ended up trying to come off my meds too soon, thinking that because I had quit pot, I was safe now, but it was a bad idea, this force returned, kept waking me up, insomnia drove me nuts, and I tried to kill myself after another hospital failed to stabilize me.  They wanted to CTO me again, but thanks to family that did not happen.  So I decided to just stay on meds, and since then only had a few minor hospital stays.

I dedicated myself to further prayer, was able to invoke Jesus Christ through St Jude, though oddly enough, Jesus did not get rid of the issue, but instead acted as a calming force and support, preventing me from self harm when I would seriously consider it.  (This happened in 2015.)  Through Christ, last year, I invoked Metatron, who helped my mind to calm, and helped to guide me forward.  That was the turning point I needed, and suddenly I was a stronger mind.  I was able to later invoke the Virgin Mary after getting blessed by a Catholic priest (my head turned to her statue in a church and I channeled "Holy Mother... Holy Mother..." as a sign to pray to her).  She helped in various ways, including self love, confidence, and courage, among other things.  Various figures came to seemingly be invoked from then on, even the Hindu gods came into my path later, in this case Ganesha, Vishnu, Nataraja, Krishna, and Durga.  I had to pray to Christ to be "born again", to take in the Holy Spirit, I had to take in Krishna as well, I had to open to Akasha with Infinity (also invoked) to get instructions through channel as to how to proceed.  By this point, I still sensed the presence of darkness, however, the feelings of bliss came and went through my soul as well, and my energy body began to feel lighter.  I had a lovely stay at an Anglican convent, where my brief desire to become a nun was put to rest, because I learned that the obedience vow would not sit well with me, and it was a community about hard work, not likely to understand the kind of stuff I was experiencing.  (I became fascinated by nuns because of figures like St Teresa of Avila, and St Hildegard Von Bingen, but it's not for me... I want to go back to visit sometime, though.)

I concocted a recipe for a smudge that consisted of dragon's blood, sage, cedar, palo santo, and eventually copal, which I declared the "atomic bomb" of clearing agents (all those substances are great at getting rid of evil energies).  I used this "Die, Devil, Die" concoction while experimenting with prayer to various gods, angels, and figures I felt were involved, and it began to feel as though the presence was fading.  I write this entry tonight because it's possible the consciousness of whatever the hell this thing was died today, after 12 and a half years of fighting it, and I am getting messages now that it's a matter of clearing its "corpse" out.  Hope so!

One more thing... I discovered that my legit power animal is the Cobra, which is not what I expected, but hey - badass!  I found this out from the feeling that a cobra hood was growing from my shoulders, and the sensation that I was transforming energetically into a serpent.  So this may have been some kind of hybrid scenario of being in a shamanic initiatory crisis, coupled with demonic (diabolical?) possession.  My way of coping throughout all of this was a combination of humour, psych meds, mockery of the evil one, medical safety precautions, and the wisdom of Tank Girl, among other things.

I really don't give a shit anymore if I don't make tons of money, or get a cool job, or any Toronto life goals like that... I just want my soul to be free, and I sure hope I'm in the clear with this now.  More to come, as progress is made.  At least I'm wiser now, right?


UPDATE: Unfortunately, I spoke too soon... seems I am still battling this.  Oh well, it's weaker than it was now, and it seems to show a fear of me.  Apparently it cannot leave my soul and so I must destroy it.  Great.  But don't worry ... this thing is about as dark and intimidating as the Coronation Street theme song at this point.

The Left Hand Path: A One Way Ticket to Born Again Christianity

I often joke with a friend of mine (who is an Anglican Druid Golden Dawn guy) about how silly I find some of the Left Hand Path schools of spirituality.  Whenever I hear of some young thing getting into Satanism, Thelema, or similar stuff, I wonder how long it will be before they're wearing a cardigan, if they get too far into it.  Aleister Crowley died an impotent old man with a heroin addiction, not the most sacred thing in the world.

After some of the spiritual horrors I have experienced, I just can't understand why anyone would want to consciously invoke demonic forces.  It just sounds like an absolutely bloody stupid thing to involve oneself in, the mystical path is so much more rewarding, ultimately.  I have met several black arts occultist types who want to gain powers over others, stuff like that, and most, if not all, have had a funny look in their eyes - something between sorrow and anger.  I could be wrong but I trust Anahata is firmly shut for all of them (the heart chakra, a major psychic centre for true spirituality, and a centre that, when open, basically means you're a better person - funny that).

Don't get me wrong - I enjoy studying the occult, but I am wary of the idea of accumulating powers for their own sake now.  It just makes more sense to try to be friends with a God, do them a favour, and let them give you a siddhi or two if they like you, rather than to potentially lose your mind trying to gain them with forces that probably don't give a shit about you, ultimately.  Some of these LHP videos online are nuts, videos about how to curse your enemies, stuff like that.  Hey edgelords - maybe try being a better person, people will like you more, and then you don't have to practice weird dark shit all the time!  Backlash also scares the crap out of me, I have experienced it with pretty innocent spells, and I will get more into why that might have happened with a later post, I'm sure.

Evelyn Underhill, the venerated Anglo-Catholic mystic, has some interesting things to say about Magick vs Mysticism in her book "Mysticism: A study in the nature and development of spiritual consciousness".  Magick seems to be more ego based, ego driven, while mysticism allows one to go beyond ego and mind.  I would rather cultivate a friendship with God at this point, even without siddhis, than to be some prat going around trying to curse everyone who ticks them off.  That is a thing of the ego, and it will never lead to anything spiritually fulfilling.  But hey, at least you're edgy now and maybe some art chicks will want to have sex with you or something.

It's an embarrassing reality for many LHP types that if they go too far they might just have to invoke Christ to get out of some bad shit.  That's where my thesis statement comes into play.  Certainly when I was able to invoke Christ's aid, I felt Anahata aglow, and never did that feeling go away.  Christ was also a great gateway to Metatron, who helped me with my psyche, mindfulness, non attachment, taming the ego, etc.  One need not go into great elaborate ritual with ceremonial props (though I totally get how that's a blast to work with) - I have worked with this stuff on the dance floor, under my breath!

I have a little Bhakti shrine I use, something I will post a pic of later on, with various items representing those whom I concentrate on in prayer.  I dedicate a great deal of my time to this stuff - I was forced to, after the agony my soul encountered.  But the work I put into it was worth it, on various fronts.



Another art piece - this is based on some of the esoteric/occult/etc symbolism I experimented with spiritually at the beginning of my journey, right before my life began to fall apart, a story I might discuss on here in further detail down the line.  Not going to go into all the crazy details with this one, but this is kind of supposed to represent some sort of enlightenment thing, or path towards God.  The details are rather forgotten about, as far as what all of it meant, but I remembered the symbols, since I kept getting this through automatic drawing over and over again.  I began to realize there might have been some spiritual backlash from experimental spell craft I practised with this stuff, and I was only able to alleviate that in the past few months.  The painting, however, was something I felt compelled to produce, and I like the end result of the piece itself.

Clearly this is the Medicine Wheel (in this case with a kind of "8" shape passing through it, representing power), the Kabbalistic Tree of Life, and the Lemniscate (here it represents Yin and Yang, with the two dots), plus the Eye of God.  At this point I would say it means nothing but that it just looks kind of cool.  lol


Akasha and Tarot readings...

Recently I was able to connect to Akasha and begin a new journey of channeling "psychic" messages using tarot as a staple divination tool in the process.  For many years I have had the kinetic mechanism of channeling and automatic handwriting, but without Akasha it kind of went nowhere.  Nevertheless, I kept receiving a spiral symbol when I picked up a pen, among other symbols, and it was only recently that I figured out how to invoke Akasha through prayer, going through "Infinity"(which was another symbol I would receive a lot of in my writings and drawings).  When I work with invocation, I like to do what I call "spiritual networking" (calling upon one invoked source to help me invoke another, even higher source).  I find it far more effective than simply praying to the source from my level and hoping for the best.  Usually I get a sign such as through channel that the source may have been invoked, and I go from there.

Anyway, other symbols I kept getting were the Spade and Club symbols of playing cards, and I was able to interpret that I would soon be using tarot cards as a form of divination.  My method is much different than the standard method readers use - I don't use spreads, I don't even shuffle.  Rather, I use the entire set of major and minor arcana cards, I go through every card in the deck, until Akasha gets me to kinetically draw one and then I vocally channel a message affiliated with the archetype of the card.  What's quite fascinating is that I don't even have a rich knowledge of the tarot to begin with, so sometimes it would draw a minor arcana card I didn't know enough about, I'd channel something, and later look up the card online to find that the message was in line with the general meaning of the archetype!
This is still pretty new to me, I don't think I am at my peak performance level with it just yet, but so far my readings for others have been pretty spot on.  One exercise I like to do is to ask a friend to name or think of a person I have never met, then I draw cards from the deck and channel a description of their personhood, and pretty much it's been accurate every time.  So something is coming through that's working, as I was never able to do this before.  I think my psyche was burdened with a spiritual problem, I was in my own personal unconscious, without access to Akasha, and so there were times I thought I was psychic but it really was more of the subconscious feeding information, nothing more.

Currently I use a standard Rider-Waite deck, a Tao I Ching oracle deck, and even a silly Doreen Virtue deck that is kind of like a Magic 8 ball "basic bitch" deck for simple answers.  A fun exercise is to ask personality questions of famous figures, and see what Akasha is willing to reveal.  My grandpa is impossible to read though - I later found out from Mom that he was very Catholic and would not appreciate it, so that would explain things.  When I asked about my own personal archetypes, it says I mostly have been projecting the Queen of Cups personality wise, but that my true self is the High Priestess.  When I am angry, I become the King of Swords (yeah, so don't fuck with me!), and my "flirting style" is The Fool (in this case, it means I clown around, I try to make people laugh to show my affection).

Not sure if I have a future as a tarot lady or not, but this has at least been a great tool for self exploration and perception of how to proceed with my soul.  I might do some Akashic readings for this blog later, to see what the records have to say about certain things as I progress.  Could be interesting!


"Dwight Sees The Light"

Recently I have gotten into painting people as patron saints, because of my obsession with religious art and icons.  When my Dad passed last year, I felt compelled to "canonize" him on canvas.  Here we have the resulting painting:

My Dad holds a skull here, both because he was a professional theatre type for most of his life, but also because he was "martyred" by brain cancer.  The WDG are his initials.  The rays radiating from the halo suggest a solar reference, as my Dad was a Leo, which is the sign ruled by the Sun.  The hand is in a "mudra" type gesture, common for many iconic pieces.  The gold here was done with imitation gold leaf, and the paints used were acrylics (I would have done oil but have no studio space for ventilation).

This painting was on display at his memorial, and I took to the podium to discuss it and recite a Rumi poem in his honour.  Unfortunately, being both stage fright and quite shaken by his passing, I choked up a bit, but people said they were moved.  This painting would later be briefly displayed at the Metropolitan United Church for their 200th anniversary celebration, because despite the fact that Dad was a lapsed Protestant, he loved the art, architecture, and music of Christianity, and would have been amused that he got to hang for a while in a cathedral like the Met.

Here is a link to the Rumi poem in question, as for some reason it will not let me type it into this without botching the HTML:

On The Day I Die


St J00d!

Apostle St Jude is basically my go to patron saint.  Though I am not of a Catholic background, my mother is, and growing up she'd always tell me about the various saints, St Jude being the one she'd refer to when it came to confronting life's problems.  So when I was in spiritual agony and felt I had no idea how to proceed (I was in a hospital at the time, my third eye region under excruciating torture, as though something was overwhelming it and pressing down on it) I reached out to this apostle for help.  Seconds later, an "apparition" of what looked like Arcangel Gabriel (or at least some angelic presence with a trumpet) appeared above my head, and within a day the edge began to wear off.  Pretty remarkable experience!

Unfortunately, not being from a spiritually disciplined background, I did not realize I had to keep praying, I thought that was it, and it took me a while to learn to pick it up again.  But St Jude, as I worked with him, has helped me in many respects - he curbed my smoking and marijuana habits by instilling in me a feeling of dread and nausea at the very thought of consuming either substance, and I was able to kick both habits at once, at the same time, during a severe bout of spiritual psychosis, something non-spiritual doctors are confused as to how I was able to do with sheer will at the time.  He eventually opened my heart centre to Christ, allowing for that watershed.  (Christ is someone I will get to later on - I don't exactly identify as Christian despite some of whom I pray to and the Catholic overtones to my ritual, but instead as a sort of Bhakti-style devotee.)

There is some interesting lore in relation to St Jude.  Because his name sounds so much like Judas Iscariot, there was at one time a fear that invoking St Jude would accidentally invoke Judas, so he was avoided by many Catholics.  I guess the saint himself was so relieved that people began to pray to him again that he has come to be known as one of the most helpful saints out there - he is known to help just about anyone, even drug cartel types.  (St Jude is the number one patron saint in Mexico, BTW, and because of the cartel drug lords honouring him he has unfortunately been co-opted as a kind of "narco saint", along with Jesus Malverde, Santa Muerte, and even Our Lady of Guadalupe, among others.)

I have a St Jude medal I wear around my neck, as well as a chaplet I turned into a bracelet, and a rosary a friend made for me with a St Jude medal hanging from it as well.  When I attend the cathedral I like to meditate in, I like to sit close to his statue.

Yep, St J00d is my d00d, and was the first holy figure I was able to invoke for aid.  His feast day is Oct 28th, and he is the patron saint of hopeless cases, among other things.


Welcome to my new blog!

Hello all,

This is my first blog since I shut down my old Asylum Squad Side Story one, which I grew tired of due to the subject matter.  This blog will instead focus on spirituality and related artwork rather than the somewhat overplayed themes of mental health that seem to be taking over the internet as of late.  I still fully support Mad Pride (when it's done right, of course) but am rather done with discussing consciousness through the lens of psychology (though Jungian ideas may surface on this page from time to time).  With an excellent new psychiatrist and a top notch Jungian analyst in my care team, I have come to fully understand and realize that my issues were never neurological, but instead psychospiritual (something I always suspected), and so this blog will serve to discuss subject matter related to the soul.  I am going to try my best to avoid any flakiness or conspiracy theory bullshit, and make this as fun as possible.  Please stay tuned as the page grows... I have not used Blogger in years so I must now figure out how the new design interface works!