Tuesday, 31 May 2022

THC as medicine...

I did one last dose of that CBD with THC after about 5 or 6 sessions of it, then the experience informed me that I am to stop for a while, as I cannot treat this marijuana, in my case, as I do the other CBD, I am to treat it as medicine I will be called to use here and there, not as something I should smoke all the time.  This last experience went a bit weird - not like a bad trip, I was in full control, I didn't get worried or anything, but it cautioned me about pushing consciousness too quickly, so I wrapped up my pot stash with duct tape and shoved it in the back of a cupboard, out of sight, out of temptation.  As I suspected, THC will never again be the fun time party plant it once was for me... it's strictly medicine now, to be used with respect and caution.  Today, I woke up fine, and quite relaxed.

I think the mind shows me something mildly uncomfortable to tell me it's time to put the psychoactives down... but it also tells me that's what it's doing, it just has to suggest to a mind like mine in a way that will reach the ego and prevent it from returning to the medicine too soon, so that I don't overdo it.  I really sense the THC was a good idea, but again... this is not about getting high, it's about release, transformation, and healing.

I will continue to regularly consume CBD only marijuana to unwind and help in other ways... the CBD with THC will be treated differently, and taken only when I get a strong suggestion that it's a good idea.


Monday, 30 May 2022

"The Smoking Nun"...

 I finally finished my most recent Sister Penance piece!

This was sitting on my drafting table for several months, but last night I went to the Toronto Comic Jam with my paints and completed it.  Acrylics and pen on canvas board.

I am not even sure what to do with this character except to just make art... nothing I can think of sounds right as a plot with her... it would probably just piss people off.  Still images don't tend to have the same reaction... to most, this is just another example of some of that silly fetish cartoon nun art you'll find throughout the web.  Also, "Warrior Nun Areala" has been done.  So I'm just having fun with these.

It was suggested to me recently that I should journal about my experiences with possession, if I don't feel committed to outright writing a memoir just yet.  I might get on that sometime, just to organize my ideas.

Spirit revealed something incredibly shocking to me recently - that if I hadn't fought tooth and nail, I could have easily died with what was in me.  But I persevered, and in the end I destroyed it.  The only real malaise I have now is living in a spiritual dystopia where most won't appreciate how real my story even was... I would at best be a novel curiosity, something to gawk at because of how peculiar things got for me, but I can't imagine any real respect from the literary world, or from humanity in general, really.  I am not used to being heard, I am not used to being interpreted correctly.

The consumption of the THC/CBD continues... it's really obvious to me now that I can use it, and it feels like what I needed.  CBD only just wasn't creating enough long term change, but with a bit of THC, which my mind can handle now, it's feeling a bit more at ease with the way of things.


Saturday, 28 May 2022

I did it!

I love this commercial! 

I tried some higher level THC marijuana (with a slightly higher level of CBD than THC in it) and had interesting results!

It took a minute, but after about the equivalent of 2/3rds of a hand rolled joint, some mild psychedelic feelings came over me, then I seemed to have a clear, direct channel open up, and feelings of shifting in the Ajna.  I suspect the devotional, contemplative work I have done paid off, because I can now handle THC again!  This seemed therapeutic this time.  (I think I have come to a place where I can't truly enjoy a psychedelic drug high unless there is meaning to its experience... it felt like this was doing more work for me than just the CBD only weed did.  Pot will probably never be the same for me again, but if it advances my situation, and works well as a medicine, that's what I'm invested in.

Chances are I will refer to this plant only when I am comfortably at home, while it is quiet.  I am still coming down from something mighty painful because of the possession, and must tread lightly.  Psychiatric medicines aren't going to solve deep torture related trauma, they will just mask it, but I know other things I have been trying have helped.  I doubt I would have been able to smoke this same grade even a year ago without something being strange, so this is a breakthrough.  Or, perhaps it's just a case that an even split of THC and CBD is the ticket.

I have a sensitivity that I am trying to overcome, where I can't so much as gaze at sharp weaponry without feeling vulnerable... this got worse after being assaulted in 2020.  I feel like I want to take in a lot of imagery that is soft, like white kittens in toilet paper commercials.  I have no interest in anything depraved, sarcastic, violent... anything that appeals to the tabloid reading crowd.  I watch a lot of cat videos, baby animal videos, stuff that feels good for the heart.  Loving imagery is another thing that seems to soothe me, when the world feels a bit much.  (I know this is true for many people.)

I can't decide if I'm going out tonight again or not, but maybe.  I'm just glad the THC experiment was successful.


Friday, 27 May 2022

Video: How to hear the Voice of Jesus...


The Holy Spirit doesn't want me being coy about these anymore - I am to consider myself someone doing prophecy, even if I don't go around calling myself one out of the fear of ridicule in community, out of the worry of being considered a charlatan.  (Much of the possession story I reveal on my blog is intentionally cryptic, sometimes even half truths or vague explanations, because of my concerns about how it might sound like "too much" to most people.  I come from a Mad Pride background and I really don't want to be criticized by my old fanbase... I tread lightly with terminology when considering labels, so as to check my ego, be humble, and to not look absurd to the atheists who like me.)

I'm going goth clubbing tonight... that's why I look like someone whom you'd pay to have your balls trampled by.  Gotta find my fun somehow!

I'm planning on doing a latex Sister Penance video for Pride Month 2022, where I discuss Sodom and Gomorrah with the Holy Bible using bibliomancy.  Should be insightful!


Video: Getting rid of unwanted spirits...


Oddly enough, I find Christian advice better for this than most neopagan advice - Jesus is the answer, usually.  The discussion gets interesting in this one and I can tell something about Lord Shiva is really helping me with my Ajna chakra.  I drew a bong in a spirit drawing recently, so maybe I'll even be able to smoke a more THC heavy marijuana at some point.  Won't try it yet, though.

Surviving a possession experience that lasted longer than a decade and, in the end, killing the spirit in question with seraphim makes me somewhat of a teacher on this subject matter, or at least a level of that.  I often discuss this with friends who come to me for advice if they or a friend or relative of theirs is suffering.  I've also done spiritual warfare magick and seemed to turn around a situation once with a friend of mine.  

Heh, maybe someday I'll get to perform an exorcism!  ;D


Thursday, 26 May 2022

Video: Blood magick and ritualistic sacrifice...


This is not a practice I am personally involved with, but I wanted to read on it.  It's very controversial, and not always "satanic" - it's a major part of certain traditions and religions.  It's interesting what I got out of this reading.

Something big might have happened with my Ajna and Lord Shiva yesterday - I feel more powerful in the mind, and my readings are stronger.  More to come on this as things evolve, but I may have just solved a major mystery.


Sunday, 22 May 2022

Video: Waking the kundalini...


I didn't know what kundalini was when it woke in me - it's not something to be taken lightly!  Though subtle, the experience is not, often enough.  You have to rework your life to serve Her, and ego must comply to Her demands.  I absolutely must live a simple life now, no matter what I once thought or wanted.  Kundalini was just one example of what I went through in spiritual emergency, but unlike the possession I experienced, it is of the holy.  I am still sorting myself out.



Friday, 20 May 2022

Musings and other things...

Something rather interesting happened with psychic input that I wanted to mention here.  A couple of days ago, I was drawn to the Butterfly Clan position on the Medicine Wheel in a book, not understanding the significance of it in this case.  Then, I spirit drew a butterfly with my finger.  Wondering what it meant, I remembered it the next day when I talked with my mother over the phone and she informed me that my step sister's little papillon dog had been put to rest that day.  Then it hit me.  I had been asked by my step sister months ago to do anything I could for this dog with prayers or spells, but when I asked the spirit world, I got the answer that the dog is not happy in her suffering, so all I could do was a candle spell with archangel Gabriel that this little dog be prepared to cross over.  She suffered a couple of strokes and was not long for this world, so she was put down soon after.  So, I suppose, on the eve of her death, the Butterfly position was hinting that a papillon (French for "butterfly") was about to pass.

I am definitely better but there must be something sorting itself out in my brain from the remnants of what I have endured, hence the oddness here and there, which any reader of this blog knows I am often guilty of.  Nights have been consistently less painful for a while, energy, though up and down sometimes, is better, and I don't feel quite as confused overall.  Some days I can't read psychically at all, but if I pray and give it some time, it always comes back.  Speaking of reading, I still find it hard to crack a book and read for very long, I don't watch much television or film, and am mostly engaging with the spirit world.  I am not sure if this handicaps me as a westerner or not, but anything more than part time employment I find excruciating and unbearable.  I need a lot of downtime to sort myself out.

I spend so much time alone that I am shocked when I consider how much it all adds up to - really, I do like socializing, so I try to experience at least one or two events or hangouts within a week, so that I am not terribly isolated, but engaging the spirit world as I do, there's always someone to talk to.  I don't know if it's an autism thing or if it has to do with my style of psychic journeying, but I spend hours at a time in my subconscious, sorting it out, trying to heal myself where western medicine failed me.  I cringe thinking about what my psychiatric profile must say about me at this point - I am sure it's condescending, humiliating, and barely addresses my finer qualities - it certainly loves to dictate who I am, from the sounds of it, when doctors have gone over notes.  (My analyst gets me, but the medical system doesn't want to listen to him as he's a Jungian and not a doctor.)

I just thought of something else that I've been thinking about - if I had the opportunity, I would caution any young person who likes to make TikTok videos where they either fake or transform mental illness symptoms into an aesthetic about what they're doing.  At best, it will age terribly for most people... at worst, it might trigger a self generated malaise and then these kids might end up in the mental health system.  As a psychiatric survivor, I want to say to them that long term care mental wards are dire places, and once you get overmedicalized like I did, and have a diagnosis like the crap they tacked onto my chart, don't expect to ever be treated the same way again.  I'm still talked to like an idiot sometimes, despite my eloquence and how well I perform from where I was a decade and a half ago.  I don't know if this TikTok trend is the "dark side of mental health awareness" or a strange new fashion tribe, but I am not so much offended by it as much as I just want to caution kids about what they are doing with their perception of themselves, and how they are presenting themselves to the internet.  

On that note, I would go and get reassessed to rid myself of medicine's opinion of my psychology, but I fear being disappointed by the experience if I got yet another terrible psychiatrist looking me up and down.  I don't perceive things the same way others do, but Toronto medicine is so bloody lazy that if a mind is radically different from other minds, it's got to be a disorder.  They could learn a lot from anthropology, for example, but they're fucking lazy.


Tuesday, 17 May 2022

Video: Why I identify as being on the Right Hand Path...

This one was mostly channeled - I felt channel would explain it best.  I identify as RHP because of my dependency and servitude with God, which I feel was a call as much as it was out of pure necessity.  While this may sound austere and perhaps even as dull as a church basement, I assure you there is no greater joy than a deep personal friendship with the Heavens, and even when everything in my life was a total mess, it's what kept me going.  To quote Dr. Carl Jung: "I don't need to believe in God, I know".

Some excellent thrifting haul work today - one thing I found was the dress featured in this video, a velvet and lace classic goth girl number.  God, I love thrifting!  Even if I had more money I would still do it from time to time, my Mom got me into it and it's like a treasure hunt for me.


Sunday, 15 May 2022

Lord Shiva...

Ok, one more round of consecrated (Fireball!) whisky before I stop for a while!  

Today it was with Lord Shiva - a god that I have seen visions of here and there, and once again, His image seated in the lotus position on a tiger skin, appeared in my mind's eye.  Considering that I had also repeatedly drawn a vertical eye in spirit drawings, which is suggestive of this god, I thought - what the heck, let's consecrate some whisky and take in the power of Lord Shiva!

Lord Shiva has been known to grant marvelous siddhis to dedicated sadhus, and I am looking to refine what's already there with my own abilities.  After I consumed the whisky, I went into a beautiful, eloquent channel, one that verged on poetry, and so I am guessing there was some reaction.  Time will tell - I am also hoping this means my powers as a magician will amplify.  I am getting through channel that I will acquire "finer siddhis, not wilder ones", and that I may improve as an artist.  Perhaps that is what's suitable considering my life, and the way I live it.

The blissful warmth of late spring is upon us, so I might make a trek to the Marian shrine very soon.  Now that I have a new phone with a much better camera, I will be sure to bring it and snap some photos of the sights there.  It's a humble, quaint little spot that I now visit here and there, like an old friend, because of how the land greets me when I arrive.  Perhaps it's good, in a way, that Toronto is poor in spirit, because it means the site won't be overloaded with visitors.  I can enjoy Mary all by myself.


Friday, 13 May 2022

Video: Coyote...


Here's one on the guide I got confused by in recent times due to other influences in the subconscious.  Coyote is definitely a friend, just mischievous about it sometimes.  Also - the funniest thing I have ever experienced.  I was in pain, in tears, from the laughter that came from my encounters with Coyote.

So far, Water Tiger/2022 has been a year about great healing.  I am so happy the sunshine and warm weather are back, to enjoy the youthful feelings of the late spring.  I am going to go out today to celebrate the warm weather, as I want to soak it up while it lasts.


Wednesday, 11 May 2022

Video: Thor...


Thor seems to have taken what was already there for me as a power and has strengthened it - I have done candle magick with Him, and whisky magick.  I had the pleasure of doing spellwork with His power during a lightning storm, very exciting!

I am rather sad that the Easter gift from my mother - a tobacco plant I was going to grow for personal ceremonial use, had to be thrown out because I discovered pillbugs in it, and they had eaten all the sprouts!  What a disappointment!  Some other time I will have to try growing it again, but I still have quite a bit of dried tobacco in my jar for use with my practice.

The weather is incredible out there today so perhaps I shall spend a significant portion of the rest of my day taking a stroll, seeing what I discover.


Tuesday, 10 May 2022

Video: Mars...


Time for a reading on one of the Roman gods - Mars!

Though I haven't worked a lot with Him, His energy is interesting to me because of how ferocious He seems the one or two times I have channeled something from Him.  I would NOT want to enrage this god because even when He is greeting you, there is a horror to His intensity, which was softened with humour so I could understand the tone.

Anyway, here's a clip of one of my favourite scenes from "Waiting For Guffman":

"Nothing Ever Happens on Mars" - from "Waiting from Guffman"


Sunday, 8 May 2022

Video: Candle magick...


Here's one of my most used magickal techniques = candle magick.  I have my own way of doing it and I find that your average tea light is enough to get a reaction once consecrated with a tobacco offering, but everyone seems to have their own way of doing things.  This video goes into some pointers I channeled for successful results, along with other considerations.

I haven't travelled anywhere since my last trip to Arizona in 2017, and I think I need to consider a trip again sometime.  A friend and I are thinking it would be cool to go to the Vatican, and when I looked things up it looks like there are packages for a week that are within our budget.  Something to research, and hopefully to look forward to.

I had a neat experience at a downtown Medicine Wheel by a United church.  I approached it, and channeled that I should pray to the Directions for healing, then I got out my pouch of tobacco, and offered the Earth some of it in prayer for Her hand.  I became compelled to walk the Wheel repeatedly, while channeling messages under my breath, making various hand gestures as it continued.  After about 5-10 minutes of the pacing, I got the impression it was over, went and sat down, and got the sense I had been offered a blessing.  Good to know there is a Medicine Wheel I can turn to, even if it's in the middle of the city, and passers by watching me interact with it might think I'm on acid.  lol


Saturday, 7 May 2022

Video: On closing unwanted spiritual doors...


This video is likely to cheese off the Wiccan crowd.  I have my own criticisms of Wicca, which I don't want to get into much so as not to incite the rage of the Witchtok community, Lord knows anything can get you cancelled nowadays.  But this video hints at some of the problems.  (One thing I will add here, that I suspect, is that the Horned God is a corruption disguised as a friend, and I don't trust he's the finest masculine archetype to work with in spirituality.  Another problem I have is that Wicca doesn't emphasize enough the need for a solid mystical foundation, one rooted in Holiness, before practising magick, and I see no evidence, from what I have read, of there being a specific way in Wicca that properly grounds the heart in consciousness, unlike other paths out there.  I think Wicca is cool if you combine it with other practises and philosophies, but Wiccans often turn their noses up at that idea.  Anyway, I'm sure someone is not impressed with what I just said, but that's just how I feel coming out of spiritual emergency.)

I kept getting a spirit drawing of Thor's Hammer (Thor being a god I have experimented a bit with) so I bought a silver Thor's Hammer today at a gift shop, to wear as an experiment.  Not even two blocks away, I saw a guy dressed up as Thor from the Marvel universe, forgetting it was Free Comic Book Day.  What a cute nod from the universe!


Friday, 6 May 2022

Video: Assumption of the Godform...


This experience - when I feel the presence of Sekhmet's power, in this case, as an astral skin over my upper half, has been much more common for me than shapeshifting has been.  Usually She presents if She's warning me of something, or if there is a special message, or when working with Her power.  Also, if I concentrate on Her, it can happen.  Meds probably make it more subtle but I can still sense Her coming through.

The spring, it seems, more and more, is in full swing - I may head to the Marian Shrine of Gratitude again sometime to visit the Mother.


Wednesday, 4 May 2022

Video: Shapeshifting...


I remembered I hadn't tried doing a video on this yet.  Assumption of the Godform might be one I do later as well, which happens with me and Sekhmet.  Both feel similar but there's a difference, and I feel shapeshifting is a bit more powerful an experience, because you actually feel like your spirit is the animal, while the Godform is like an astral skin, at least in my case.

I got a spirit writing message that a holy source that was wrong for me somehow opened up many years ago because of my conflict with evil, and that source was the god Uranus, so I had to pray Him away.  Some sources just aren't meant to open to certain people, so I guess if the current in the spirit is wrong for a certain source, it can harm the mind of the person.  I don't know how this god opened to me but He did, so I had to figure this out and shut it down.  He was mentioned here and there but I wasn't sure.  (Perhaps it was when I was contemplating Father Sky - heh.)

My mind has been relaxing more as of late, here's hoping that's going to be the new normal!


Sunday, 1 May 2022

7 Directions, 7 Elements: An update to my experimental practice...

Wow - I just had an interesting experience with my experimental altar!

I decided to create a sacred sphere of power around me by calling in the 7 Directions and affiliated angels, before calling in the 7 Elements of my East meets West altar setup.  Then I smoked a joint (just pure CBD flower, little to no THC, the kind that has zero psychological effect) and within a couple of minutes I got the sense Metatron was doing something with brain chemistry.  It felt slightly psychoactive for a moment, but then relaxed, subtle in a way drugs are not.  The whole experience radiated holy blissful feelings, similar to the highs I felt praying the rosary sometimes.  So I might be onto something with Mother Earth and using the Wu Xing production cycle with consideration of Air and Spirit.  (I switched from using a physical representation of Spirit with the dreamcatcher for literal, by simply considering that I am invoking Spirit into the altar space to consecrate it.)

Also new is the order of the 5 Wu Xing elements - now, after invoking Air in the centre, I call in Water, then Wood, Fire, Earth, and finally Metal, which I channeled was better for summoning the production cycle.

Here is a clip from my Instagram of that process shown and explained, and a second clip I shot recently, where I explain the philosophy of my mystical approach:

Changes to the East meets West metaphysical altar...

Philosophy of my mystical approach...

Perhaps this is the art I will be doing for a while... creating a path, creating a practice.  Maybe I'll be doing more paintings with these ideas in mind, based on this kind of thing.


UPDATE:  Also, here's a clip of me demonstrating how I call in the 7 Directions:

Calling in the 7 Directions...