Something rather interesting happened with psychic input that I wanted to mention here. A couple of days ago, I was drawn to the Butterfly Clan position on the Medicine Wheel in a book, not understanding the significance of it in this case. Then, I spirit drew a butterfly with my finger. Wondering what it meant, I remembered it the next day when I talked with my mother over the phone and she informed me that my step sister's little papillon dog had been put to rest that day. Then it hit me. I had been asked by my step sister months ago to do anything I could for this dog with prayers or spells, but when I asked the spirit world, I got the answer that the dog is not happy in her suffering, so all I could do was a candle spell with archangel Gabriel that this little dog be prepared to cross over. She suffered a couple of strokes and was not long for this world, so she was put down soon after. So, I suppose, on the eve of her death, the Butterfly position was hinting that a papillon (French for "butterfly") was about to pass.
I am definitely better but there must be something sorting itself out in my brain from the remnants of what I have endured, hence the oddness here and there, which any reader of this blog knows I am often guilty of. Nights have been consistently less painful for a while, energy, though up and down sometimes, is better, and I don't feel quite as confused overall. Some days I can't read psychically at all, but if I pray and give it some time, it always comes back. Speaking of reading, I still find it hard to crack a book and read for very long, I don't watch much television or film, and am mostly engaging with the spirit world. I am not sure if this handicaps me as a westerner or not, but anything more than part time employment I find excruciating and unbearable. I need a lot of downtime to sort myself out.
I spend so much time alone that I am shocked when I consider how much it all adds up to - really, I do like socializing, so I try to experience at least one or two events or hangouts within a week, so that I am not terribly isolated, but engaging the spirit world as I do, there's always someone to talk to. I don't know if it's an autism thing or if it has to do with my style of psychic journeying, but I spend hours at a time in my subconscious, sorting it out, trying to heal myself where western medicine failed me. I cringe thinking about what my psychiatric profile must say about me at this point - I am sure it's condescending, humiliating, and barely addresses my finer qualities - it certainly loves to dictate who I am, from the sounds of it, when doctors have gone over notes. (My analyst gets me, but the medical system doesn't want to listen to him as he's a Jungian and not a doctor.)
I just thought of something else that I've been thinking about - if I had the opportunity, I would caution any young person who likes to make TikTok videos where they either fake or transform mental illness symptoms into an aesthetic about what they're doing. At best, it will age terribly for most people... at worst, it might trigger a self generated malaise and then these kids might end up in the mental health system. As a psychiatric survivor, I want to say to them that long term care mental wards are dire places, and once you get overmedicalized like I did, and have a diagnosis like the crap they tacked onto my chart, don't expect to ever be treated the same way again. I'm still talked to like an idiot sometimes, despite my eloquence and how well I perform from where I was a decade and a half ago. I don't know if this TikTok trend is the "dark side of mental health awareness" or a strange new fashion tribe, but I am not so much offended by it as much as I just want to caution kids about what they are doing with their perception of themselves, and how they are presenting themselves to the internet.
On that note, I would go and get reassessed to rid myself of medicine's opinion of my psychology, but I fear being disappointed by the experience if I got yet another terrible psychiatrist looking me up and down. I don't perceive things the same way others do, but Toronto medicine is so bloody lazy that if a mind is radically different from other minds, it's got to be a disorder. They could learn a lot from anthropology, for example, but they're fucking lazy.
-Saraƒin
