Wednesday, 26 February 2020

Cover colours...

Behold - I finally coloured the cover!  Prepping for printing at the studio should be just around the corner!

Creativity is slowly creeping back into my life - I am designing a business card right now as well.  The only things left to do for preparation involve one more scan of a recently inked page that is a recap section, and perhaps a bit more work on bonus content, then it's off to get put together at the printers.  I will have to pay them incrementally, since my recent hospitalization meant work hours were reduced temporarily, so I fell back a bit financially, and have to save up again.  My printers are friends, so they let me pay in stages sometimes.  I expect a spring release, and have already found a likely venue.

Please keep reading on here to find out about the launch, if you are in the Toronto area, and of course for info on shops in the area that will carry this book.

-Saraƒin

Why baptisms should only be performed on adults: A theory...

Interesting insights in channel recently, and they make sense to me, so I thought I would share them.  I thought this article to be relevant due to the fact that despite being a baptized infant, I was not sufficiently protected by Divinity when I was spiritually affected by dark forces.  Here we go:

So, when I was very young, I think it was in my first year, I was baptized in the Anglican church by a bishop, but my parents did not really raise me terribly religiously.  I wondered why a baptism by a bishop wouldn't "take", considering my outcome, but now I think I have come to the real conclusion about this - will was not a factor in the process, because I was too young to have any say in the event.  I think about this now, receiving this insight, and have decided that baptism should only be given to adults, who are old enough to know that they wish to embark on the Christian path, because an adult is at a level of maturity where they can correctly give consent and thus commit to Christian practice.  As a result, the Spirit responds to the rite, and the baptism means more spiritually than just as a symbol of commitment.  Infant and child baptisms are symbolic, but I don't trust, in my experience with mine, that they have any significant spiritual power, because I was not involved in the decision to get baptized.  An adult can decide that this happens for them, a child is just going along with it.

In a way, I am glad I wasn't raised religious.  I think being raised heavily religious can damage a person's natural curiosity to explore their souls and the needs of the soul, and though perhaps religious overtones can help with a spiritual education, I feel that in my culturally yet not religiously Anglican upbringing, I was allowed to figure things out on my own, while the option of going to church was always there.  I was only spiritually curious, really, by high school, and my parents were very good about me exploring things like Wicca when I was seeking - it turned out not to be the right path for me, but I am glad I was allowed to figure it out without being sternly corrected.  Some people might make better Buddhists, for example, than Christians, if the needs of their soul would benefit from that kind of path over the Christian one, so a child should be allowed to explore without judgement.  That being said, I feel certain occult paths are unsafe for kids, and I would caution about that a bit too.

Perhaps children should be raised culturally in their family's chosen religion, to allow exploration, but not religiously so, and when they reach adulthood, they can make their own decision.  This makes more sense to me than forcing religion on kids.

-Saraƒin

Monday, 24 February 2020

Psychic world stuff...

I had an opportunity yesterday to train as a newbie psychic under my mentor by offering free readings at his personal parlour.  What happened is that the second last time I was there, I gave him a reading and he was impressed enough to tell me I was ready to try in the training grounds under him.  So, from 1-8 pm, I hung out at his place of business and when people came in and were willing for me to read them for free, I took them on.  If they wanted him, they had to pay, him being a master and professional.

The first reading was slightly wonky, as the person being read was not the finest English speaker, so I tried to pace the channel, which in the end caused information to be broken up and thus come through rather oddly.  Either I will be able to adjust this with prayer work, or I am still learning what my limits are.  But the rest of the readings seemed to result in satisfied "customers" - I got a tip from one of them, and another was extremely impressed.  Friends came by to get read, and all in all it was a good day.

One thing that my mentor is cautioning me about the psychic world is that so many like to cut each other in half, badmouth each other, or even cast spells and hexes against each other, to stop them from being outperformed.  It sounds like less refined readers do this against the good ones, and that good ones are confident enough not to go in this direction.  I wondered about how psychics are with each other - it kind of made me laugh and think of the catty backstabbing in movies like "Showgirls", or perhaps this is even a Christopher Guest mockumentary waiting to be made.  It was also shocking but perhaps not surprising.  I find in the world of indie comics, cartoonists support one another, propping each other up and buying each other's work, so it's sad to hear that this is not so in the psychic business.  I will be sure to keep my nose clean, and to not generate gossip.

One other thing - I guess I am a Christian after all.  Recently, I was attending a Catholic mass and prayed under my breath to be "confirmed".  Once that had happened, I later found that my readings lit up like Christmas tree, and have been strong ever since, according to others I have read.  I am working closer with Jesus now.  I am not going to be conservative about it, but this seems to be the path that suits the needs of my soul the best, and there are plenty of cool Christians out there, I have met several of them.  It's just a lot of mainstream stuff that rubs me the wrong way, as of course it does many.

-Saraƒin

Friday, 21 February 2020

"Asylum Squad": Why I chose the ending I chose (instead of the alternative)...

I'd like to share a statement article on why the ending I used for my comic was chosen, as opposed to the one that was initially planned, where the two boarding school boys using the ouija board were talking to what looked like the horse demon, in another part of the world:

So, the first ending was one I thought was going to work, a while back, when a lot of the story had yet to be constructed.  It seemed to have a mystique that I liked, which suggested some truths to the idea that spirituality was a real factor in Liz Madder's psychological distress, and that it was not just a delusion.  But the problem was in that it was vague, and I couldn't find satisfaction in its conclusion.  Something was left too loose and too up for interpretation for me, thus not likely to satisfy the reader, I would imagine.  It meant it wasn't really making a statement about anything, it was just eerie.  Around the time of my father's death, it was very hard to focus on finishing what I was doing with the comic, and the fact that I had this ending that I didn't believe in made the home stretch really difficult to complete - I simply was bored with it.

About a year later, during the remainder of my hiatus, the new ending popped into my mind randomly as a kind of joke, thinking about how funny it would be if she turned out to be a canonized Catholic saint.  I snickered - then, my channel began to speak through me, encouraging me to consider this the ending, once I had tweaked it a little more.  I had to go back in the comic series and re-read all the Catholic overtones that appeared in the books, to see if all tied together well.  There are various scenes that almost seamlessly act as runners in the narrative to suggest her future in the church - among them are the crucifix falling from the wall as a supernatural hint, the exchange between Nurse Thora and Liz with the Bible, the dream sequences, and of course the library scene in which she invokes an angel through her plea to St. Dymphna.  That scene with the angel transforms from being perhaps the hallucination of a madwoman in despair to a relevant mystical encounter in one panel, when the comic concludes with the painting I made, thus turning everything upside down, and making a mental health story into a novice mystic's coming of age character study.  The statement at the end, as well, as she lays flowers beneath the statue of St. Dymphna, makes relevant commentary about what I feel is lacking in modern mainstream psychiatry - understanding of the soul, and working with it properly.  It is also a statement about hope, which is something I feel is lacking in the prognosis people are often given in psychiatric treatment.  The statement was intended to be subtle, not pretentious, and I hope it was delivered.  So yes, Asylum Squad is a mental health comic, but at its core it was written for people in spiritual distress, and ultimately, that was my prime target audience.

The ending took a while to find, because I had to find myself to understand fully what it was that I was trying to say.  Thankfully, despite things I might have changed were I to write it again, I think it all came together well.  Sorry it's taking me such a long time to get this final book together - because I became ungrounded recently, I have taken to working once again on levelling out and feeling my art once more.  There is so little left to do to put the files together so it's rather absurd that it's taking this long, but my mind is still concentrating on my soul a lot.  The Spirit encourages me to get back to my art, and to stop being The Hermit.  I promise it will come out sooner or later, and my goal right now is for the late spring.

-Saraƒin

Thursday, 20 February 2020

"I Am the Anti-Pope"...

Zlad - "I Am the Anti-Pope"

Hey atheists - this could be us!

-Saraƒin

Tuesday, 18 February 2020

Why God is such an "asshole": My theory...

I was reading up on St. Margaret Mary Alacoque yesterday, because I wanted to research more on saints who were devoted to the Sacred Heart.  I was rather shocked at how harsh God was with her, it seems He wanted her to suffer, which she was perfectly willing to do for Him.  Her life seemed to already be full of suffering, so it seemed rather unfair, and so she's another case of a saint who had very strange mystical encounters with the Divine.  So why is this?  And why is God often acting as such an oppressive asshole?  I have a theory, sinners, if you care to hear me out.

I have discussed the corruption in Spirit on here before, what the Christians call "Satan", what Hindus might call "Kali" (not Goddess Kali, but the demon of Kali Yuga), and all that comes of the evil in the Spirit.  I think these evil sources are a mystery to everyone, so again, these observations come from my own experiences, from channeling and lived experience with sinister forces.  The Lurianic Kabbalists would probably suggest that it was a flaw in the creation of the universe that led to the Sephirot shattering, generating a byproduct in the Spirit that led to the creation of evil itself.  Devils would have been born out of this corruption in creation.

My theory is that Satan, or whatever you want to call this evil, acts in a sense as a kind of strange effect or filter in the Spirit, that makes it nearly impossible for humanity to accurately understand the true will of God, at least not consistently with every mystic that ever was.  Some saints report great beauty and love from God, others seem almost tormented by Him.  St. Margaret Mary Alacoque, I also read, was harassed by the devil, so perhaps Satan influenced how God presented to her during her encounters with Divinity.  Satan influenced the tone, in this case.

Perhaps the devil wants to play with the way humanity relates to God, and in turn this has shaped the way religion views, depicts, and understands Divinity.  So the Catholics see God as a stern taskmaster who wants strange things for His people, but I suspect there's something odd about that understanding, and likely God is indeed all-loving and evil does something strange with the tone, influencing it, the same way evil influences everything on this planet.  Humanity's fall from nature is another example of how the planet is in some ways working against itself because of corruption - humans are easily influenced by hidden forces, being highly spiritually sensitive creatures, so any corruption might easily affect societies, and therefore of course religion as well.  The result is a lot of miserable Catholics, for example, wondering what the fuck God wants from them.  It's not God, it's evil corrupting humanity's connection and relationship to God, and it was always there in some way, but perhaps in modern times it has gone in a strange direction.

I see hope on the horizon when I hear of things like fungus discovered that grows inside the walls of the reactor of Chernobyl, fungus that seems able to "eat" radiation.  Also, I seem to recall hearing of enzymes discovered that can consume plastics.  Nature is attempting to correct itself, I see things like this as the Hand of God - in this case, the Sacred Feminine, the Great Mother.  Satan has influenced the way humanity relates to nature, but I don't see nature tolerating this forever, and I get the sense She will purge us of this when it can be done.  I am not as "Mea Culpa" about humanity and its effect on nature as some, I see us more as silly than evil, but this is because of hidden influences on us, as well as other effects on the natural world.  There is a bit more hope in me for the fate of this planet than some... call me a fool, but I just don't buy that Mother Nature is going to tolerate Her end without a good fight.

God, when I knew it was Him, was always gentle with me, but there has been great confusion in my channeling.

-Saraƒin

UPDATE: Forgot to add the obvious - God sometimes plays strange roles with humanity to urge them in the right direction, in the ways that would incite a person to listen.  So there's that reason too.  Also, religion often plays up an angry God as a means of controlling its followers, but everyone knows that.

Sunday, 16 February 2020

More Sacred Heart stuff...

I am beginning to suspect that what I feel in my heart is unique to only some, and not what most Christians and/or Christ devotees experience.  What I can describe is a warm, soft glowing light, like a loving sun, in my heart centre, that never leaves me, and feels ignited with powerful, graceful love from the Spirit.  Am I a recipient of the Heart of Jesus?

My lack of a religious education means that I am puzzled by the concept of the Sacred Heart.  It's something I will likely seek to study more, to make sense of what I feel in my chest, and have felt, since that day in the summer of 2015 when I felt Christ enter my life.  Since this sensation in my chest began, self injury has been harder to do to myself, since my arms force themselves from doing what I tend to do when I feel self destructive, and there's a powerful element of protection.  I feel aglow, without obviously looking like I am glowing, but there's a lightness in my soul and it's as though I feel I radiate something.

Yesterday, at work, in my prayers to St. Jude, I was able to consecrate myself to the Sacred Heart, something I was trying to do with novenas that I guess weren't moving me ahead.  St. Jude, I have once again decided, is my go to patron saint, he seems to be the doorway to Jesus that I in particular need to work with.  I am not sure why it had to be a specific way, but now I am aware that when in doubt, I must turn to this saint.  I have a St. Jude chaplet I have used on and off as well, and even though I have also felt the aid of St. Anthony, it is St. Jude who is probably my truest patron saint, after all.

The dark field seems to weaken steadily as I work with the Psalms, devotional prayers, and other techniques.  It's as though a sensation of soothing bliss emanates in my core as I feel it weaken, for it has been an irritant in my soul that causes even my physical body to ache in discomfort.  My mind feels slightly more at ease, be it with practice or the CBD, yet I have felt a bit depressed as of late, due to the recent hospitalization and the exhaustion of the past 13 and a half years.  It's like I don't even know what direction to take my life anymore.  If I could get back into my art, that might help a little, but I find it hard to do so when my desperation to be free of all darkness is at the forefront of my desires.

Perhaps there are some interesting books out there on the Sacred Heart of Jesus, or the saints who have had devotions to it.  I guess it's off to the Catholic bookstore with me again at some point!

-Saraƒin

Tuesday, 11 February 2020

Further experiences with CBD...

I can't say I have consumed enough to notice a major difference, but there is at least a subtle change in my mind since I began consuming CBD marijuana.  It's safe to say it has been therapeutic, and I definitely want to discuss this with my psychiatrist when I next meet with her, since she may have further input.

I do feel a similar enough pot feeling to that which I felt when I used to recreationally use THC type weed, but this is more of the euphoria and body buzz variety than of anything psychological.  Actually, there is kind of a psychological feeling, but it is not one that distracts the mind, sending it on a strange journey, or anything like that - it feels deeply relaxing and renewing.  In between sessions with the CBD, I feel a sense of mental strengthening that suggests there is an underlying change in my neurology that might be going on.  I have read that CBD is good for various mental health concerns, so any psychological damages I have acquired from the pains of the past might be fading with this plant's use.  The old moderate pothead in me is slightly worried about returning to days where I'd do too much of this throughout the day, thus losing track of time, so I am trying to be responsible this time around, even though CBD is harder to abuse in this respect anyway.  I have been offered a free vape so once I receive that I am going to make the switch from smoking it to vaping it instead, to go easier on my lungs, which are not enjoying themselves.

Something interesting was known to happen with me and marijuana where I would get fascinating and convincing arguments to ideas in my head in conversation, and I could see them through and ignite interesting discussions about virtually anything, and this component appears to be back again, as I noticed this quality sneak in when I was discussing religion with friends the other day, and argued something about various spiritual approaches.  It's like my creative centres are firing again, where they might have been depressed for a while.  I hope that I can get back into art - of course I painted that "Our Lady of Guadalupe" piece while in hospital, but haven't touched art again since getting out.  The cover inks still need to be coloured, so maybe that will be the next mini project.

The one thing I miss from THC that CBD does not provide is the amazing things it did for listening to music, and some of my active imagination visionary states on THC blew my mind, amusing me immensely.  It's not worth it though, if it's going to muck up my psyche!  CBD might even be healing me of my ills, so I will keep updating on here about how things go with this.

-Saraƒin

UPDATE: I am getting the sense that I may someday soon begin to explore the active imagination experiences I had, which could come and go even without THC.  It's very funny how it presents - almost like it has an interface, like some quasi CP24 parody thing (that's a local news channel) spliced with a video game.  It's wild.  It was my Jungian analyst that pointed out what it was - active imagination.  I suspect Nikola Tesla may have had something similar, based on what I have read about him... Dr. Carl G Jung certainly had this.


Friday, 7 February 2020

One argument I came up with to suggest that my demon was real...

Thought forms were something I looked into a while ago when I was basically being brainwashed by mainstream psychiatrists into believing I wasn't dealing with a legitimate possession case.  My understanding of thought forms are that they are concentrated human thoughts or emotions that generate a kind of artificial form.  Some have explained away ghost phenomena with this argument.  I have also come to understand that the best way to defeat a negative thought form is to cease to give it attention or belief, and that this will weaken it.  So, when I believed that I had a vicious thought form, I experimented and attempted all I could to destroy it by cutting ties with any belief in it, trying to find explanations elsewhere, such as that I had had a bad kundalini awakening, or a chakra blockage from something, or anything but spirit possession.  Did it work?  Not at all.

Only when I embraced the idea that my demon was a real entity and it was up to me to remove it was it that I grew, I opened more to Spirit, and I acquired the understanding and tools to do anything about it.  Based on this logic, it is my opinion that this is a reasonable explanation to suggest that what I had here was no delusion, but instead something from a source beyond mere human understanding.  Life got more interesting, too, I had more confidence in myself (oddly enough), and I seemed to learn more about myself as a person.  I grew determined to defeat this, rather than bogged down with the fear that I would one day have to commit suicide (which is all I got out of believing in the psychiatric explanation), and something drove me to finish what I had started to fight many years before.

Though it now seems like I am still dealing with a mild aftermath which means that I still need medication to ease my mind, I am rid of a darkness that words fail to describe.  The only passages that best present the pain I endured come of the writings of some of the mystics I have read who had encounters with the diabolical.  This was horror that might have killed a weaker person easily, it's a good thing I am tough.

I am getting signs something is progressing in me again soon, or has been and may just be a bit awkward, and I am now feeling a bit more like my old self, since getting out of hospital.  The CBD seems to be healing me a little on an emotional level.  I just purchased a fancy glass pipe so that I don't have to use rolling papers, which probably have bad chemicals in the bleach.  Vapes are kind of pricey for me right now, and I don't expect to be hitting the pipe constantly, so for now that's what I'm using when I choose to inhale it.

-Saraƒin

Thursday, 6 February 2020

I bought some CBD after all...

I got a strong sense, both from research, former words from my psychiatrist, and yes - also some psychic channeling, that CBD was worth trying.  I still have some time off before returning to work next week, and there's a local (legal) dispensary near me, so I headed there and bought a bag of a high CBD, low THC marijuana, the strongest of the CBD strains with the lowest THC count that they had.  If anything was going to be safe on my mind, it was this.  It's called "Pure Sun CBD".

Though the woman there advised me to smoke it to release the CBD, I had heard a tea works too (as long as you also chew on the buds), and as a former smoker, if I can avoid smoking anything, I am going to do so.  I am even wary of vaping, so tea it was.  I boiled some water with the pot in it, just enough for a joint, and let it steep for a while.  Then I poured the tea and sipped away.

The result was a warm calm that crept over me, like a cozy blanket.  It felt like a high, sort of like what I remember, but without any weird mental reactions or stoner shit.  Also, emotionally I began to feel better than I have been feeling as of late, and it was soothing to the mind, unlike my last experience with marijuana.  This seems to be exactly what I needed.

I have quite a bit for several more pots of pot tea, and I get the impression that CBD can have profoundly healing effects, not just on the body or mind but also on the soul.  I wanted the buds, not the oil, because I get the sense pranically it would be stronger in plant form, and I want to use it as a spiritual medicine.  I am mentioning this use right now to catalogue any healing effects I might get from using CBD marijuana, so I can look back on changes as progress is made, should this be successful.

I was wary of trying any pot at all anymore, but I guess this really is safe for the mind.

-Saraƒin

UPDATE: I later tried smoking some, and yes - I can definitely handle this!  My mind even feels soothed by it, not bombarded, like it does with THC.  I get a euphoric feeling that feels more emotional than like some weird pot trip, and there's a sense of relaxation, but my mind doesn't go wonky.  Hopefully I can benefit psychologically and spiritually from the medicine of CBD.  Also, I am prone to tension headaches, so this could help with those as well.  Might invest in a vape device, or might just stick with the tea.

Antipsychotics and psychic readings...

I had this assumption that antipsychotics might have been clouding my abilities as a psychic, but now, with Latuda at least, I am abandoning that idea.  A lot of people in spirituality often believe that taking psych meds can harm one's spiritual growth, but I am not so convinced about that argument, at least when it has come to problems such as my own.

It seems the anti-fluoride types really hate the idea, for example... that it means the soul is stunted in its ability to make progress.  And certainly, I get how with some medications, the mind can be blunted to the degree where you lose touch with who you are.  But, when it comes to spiritual possession and its after effects on the brain, I think antipsychotics are almost necessary if one wants to get themselves out of such a situation.  A Buddhist nun friend of mine was one who suggested that Buddhists, at least, don't think psych meds are all bad, if they mean a person can cope better.

I had to begrudgingly come to accept that I needed some kind of drug of this class to cope with what was in my soul, for it had a tendency to take over my neurology and run amok with my consciousness.  With the drugs, it could still have a field day with my subconscious, but on drugs, at least, the ego conscious was left alone, and I could have the upper hand.  It was a scary reality that was tantamount to walking a tight rope, hoping I never forgot a dose.  Now it seems that despite my progress, there is still something mild perturbing the mind, so I needed to stay at 60 mg... 40 was just too low.  The good news is that my conscious wasn't severely impacted by this... but my readings went to shit.

Now I am trying to get what I once had psychically back, and I am assuming it's just a case of waiting for the drugs to level everything out at 60 mg again, and for my latest prayers to be answered.  The other reason I wanted to go to a lower dose, besides the assumption that maybe it would have made me a clearer channel, is that I wanted to train my brain to be at a lower dose for the eventual day I come off this stuff entirely, but also because I have had slightly higher than I should levels of cholesterol, and I suspect Latuda might be to blame.  So, the lower I can get away with, the better.  Too bad I jumped the gun with this.

Again, this wasn't a dreadfully serious thing, it was a hiccup.  The only annoying part now is waiting to be able to do what I was doing psychically, and the fact that the hospitalization zapped me of joy, and going out hasn't brought me any fun as of late.

BTW, even though I swore off marijuana, I am curious about CBD.  I want to talk to my psychiatrist about this more, since she specializes in medical marijuana.  THC is fucking horrible for me, but I want to see how CBD might react.  I did have some interesting spiritual reactions to the plant itself that I wonder about, very positive things.  I wish I could relive that, and I wonder if CBD would be similar in some ways.  This is an idea for the future.

-Saraƒin

PS: It's also possible that a shift in consciousness is making it hard to read right now... this has been known to happen with me in spurts.  It's always frustrating, but it doesn't last.  Things will remain a mystery until they are solved.

Monday, 3 February 2020

Playing with personae...

Time to get past this recent hospitalization and poop out more psychospiritual articles like the Randy Newman of spirituality blogging that I have become - here's one on the idea of wearing personae:

Persona is something that I have changed a great deal throughout my life, and I have several that I wear on and off at this point.  We all do, really, and often a person's main personae can change overtime.  Certainly, I have an authoritarian persona at work that is slightly more masculine (because of the kind of job I do).  With friends, my persona can change slightly depending on whom I am with.  I can't recall for the life of me which Myers Briggs personality type it said that I have, but it's one of the more outgoing ones, and I remember it saying that I have a chameleon-esque way of relating to others, and that I have the same personality type as Barack Obama.  I'm not that obsessed with the Myers Briggs thing the way some people are, I don't care that I am a more common type, not an INFJ or whatever.  Certainly, I will often shapeshift as a persona to adapt to whomever I am with, to keep the conversation interesting and comfortable.  That seems intrinsic to my character, no matter what persona I am working with at a time.

Sister Penance is kind of an adorkable nerd girl sexpot persona that I play with for this blog as a clown to simultaneously make fun of religious conservatism and fetish nuns, but also to explore my spirituality in a way that is self aware so that when I inevitably backtrack again and again on some of my understandings of self and my experiences, it's at least a good laugh the reminisce over, and thus less embarrassing.  She is not a bedroom persona - I've stated many times on here that I find sex stupid as hell (I'm Ace) so she's not that at all, it's more like a jester kind of role.  The Saraƒin on the last blog concentrated more on Mad activism, so there was a different tone to my persona with that time than there is now.

Clothing can really bring out a persona in me, depending on what I am wearing.  Half the time I dress like a witchy goth matriarch, and when that happens I present as a more dame-like character.  When I dress more like Rainbow Brite (because I do have days like that) I will behave more cutesy.  And of course, I have to wear a specific persona when talking to certain members of my family, depending on who they are.

Persona was a concept I played with a bit in "Asylum Squad" with the pseudo-Jungian Ajna Project, where the characters designed "Hero Personae" to wear in their sleep when battling their inner demons.  Some said this reminded them a bit of the "Shin Megami Tensei" games, and I guess there are some similarities between my comic and "Persona 3", especially.  Thinking back to some of the personae I played with as a younger woman and the ones I work with now - wow.  Night and day.  I am not the same person at all anymore, in so many ways.

I should pick my analyst's brain more about the concept of persona - we have discussed shadow to death, but not this area of Jungian psychology.  Then perhaps I can present more interesting ideas on here.

-Saraƒin


Saturday, 1 February 2020

Feeling weary...

I feel like my energy is shot to hell because of this recent hospitalization.  Privileges were stricter there than at CAMH, there was a hospital bracelet policy and depending on what colour you wore it meant you could leave the ward or not - when you could, it meant either with someone accompanying you only, or on your own (but only at certain hours and not off grounds).  One of my roommates (I had 3 - yikes!) snored like death metal so I needed heavy drugs and earplugs to sleep.  By the end, I was shuffling down the hall like a zombie, and they even asked if I had ever had catatonia because of how I was spacing out - for fuck's sake.  Still, it was in many ways less oppressive than other wards I have been on, and most of the staff were nice.  There was a lovely atrium in the hospital I would go to on off ward times to sit and try to enjoy myself.  It's good to be out, but I didn't get much sleep last night, and I feel like a boiled owl, as my grandmother would often say.

I had mentioned this on the weird post I later deleted, but I bought the new Pet Shop Boys album ("Hotspot") on my phone and it's one of the few delights I got to enjoy while I was there.  Apart from one or two songs I tend to skip, this is a wonderful classic PSB sounding collection that is sure to be one of my faves, most of the songs are immediately appealing.  Highlights for me are "Will o the Wisp", "Monkey Business", "Dreamland", and "Happy People".  There are a couple of tracks with a strong disco vibe, others sound more 80s, and there were even some dream pop elements to the instrumentation.  This is kind of like "Please" meets "Very" sometimes, a little bit.  Stuart Price, the producer on this album, really helps the Boys shine.  I hope they keep working with him.

I am so frustrated with my life as of late - what I wouldn't give not to be me for a while.  I know everyone tends to feel that way on and off, and I try to be brave and positive, but my problems are so bizarre and misunderstood that even a coma looks appealing right about now.  My life sometimes feels insulting to behold, I have learned not to expect anything positive - not to be negative in this case, but instead to be pleasantly surprised when the positive eventually does occur.  I don't want to die, but I do wish sometimes I could go to the other place and stop this strange ride.  It's exhausting and rather absurd what I have to live with on a daily basis.  Please don't see this as some cry for help, I am just bored with the way things are right now, and I can't always be optimistic.

I have a work leave of 10 more days, then I'm back at the grind.  For now, I am going to take it easy and try to get my life in order again.

-Saraƒin

Hospital discharge + some stuff about the Psalms...

I was discharged from the hospital yesterday.  I had posted a weird post that I later deleted about a scary premonition, but I now think it was just nonsense toying with me that led to me believing in that.  I think back to the writings of St. Teresa of Avila and her discussion of "reptiles" in "The Interior Castle" and I suspect I am dealing somewhat with the Spirit of Evil: that underlying evil presence in Spirit, and it's a matter of just clearing it completely from my life.  The entity is gone, that was a more intense, direct kind of evil, but this is just a strange presence that complicates things for me.  I think demons and evil are complex and humanity does not fully understand them at all, and this is something that haunts my life and causes me to have to check in to hospital from time to time, because of its effect on the mind.  Meds never remove this problem at any dose, but can make its impact on my thinking slightly better.  So be it tired neurology or the negative metaphysical, I felt I needed a brief stay, because I was getting worried and sleep was bad.  Nothing terrible happened, though.

I am experimenting with the Psalms as invocations with prayer to see if they will amplify my results.  A lot of Christian magicians and witches swear by them, and see the Psalms section of the Bible as a kind of incantation spellbook that can work for many things.  I had considered them before, but was unsure as to how to work with them.  So lately, I pray to Christ and then recite the specific Psalm and the intention for its use, and wait to behold any changes.  I had been doing a lot of this with a pocket Gideon bible during the last two days of my brief hospital stay.  I got some strong reactions, so maybe this could lead to a spiritual breakthrough.  Mainly, I was focusing on "deliverance" from my personal "reptiles".

My problems are more of an irritation now than any kind of subjugation.  They may cause me to muse about bizarre things on here, but hopefully their effect on my life will fade more with time, and then I will have more coherent, clear ideas and articles to present.  Again, this blog is presented with farce because of the idiosyncratic nature of what I have been through, so I hope at least some delight can be taken in its presentation, if the content seems flat out bizarre.

-Saraƒin