Tuesday, 29 November 2022
Friday, 18 November 2022
I finally did an athame video - it suggested ideas I suspected. Being in Jungian analysis for so long, I really started to understand the language of symbols. Swords, daggers, and like weaponry are very powerful in many ways to the human psyche, so they make a perfect ceremonial tool in magick.
More symbols of England coming through psychically - a royal crown, some suggestions of London, including Tower Bridge and The Beatles crossing Abbey Road (my sight has a sense of humour). I have been to England only once and it was the best vacation of my life - that was in my teens.
Oh, to travel more... maybe someday.
Thursday, 17 November 2022
So, overtime I have received several downloads about myself dealing with "sin", but also a troubled shadow, or shadows in my psyche. Recently, I described an event where I got the sense some kind of relief had happened, in working with Jesus, and since then the strangeness has relaxed ever so slightly. I wonder if it's a case that sin irritates the shadow of the psyche, creating strange psychology, and with Jesus your shadow can relax out of it, integrate, and you can understand who you actually are from that? I have not been told this by any spiritual authority, but it seems like a reasonable Jungian argument.
I keep receiving oddly funny symbols of Britain and the Church of England. I saw that churches kept coming through as spirit drawings for years, but now there's a suggestion of Anglicanism, or England, or English aristocratic imagery - some symbols, which made me laugh, included my hand making the gesture of sipping from a tea cup, like an Englishman enjoying his tea, opera glasses on a stick, and other things that are commonly associated with upper class England. I will see where this goes, but it seems like a message about England, and perhaps religion. It's making me want to check out Anglican environments again. There's also the suggestion of a magnifying glass and a sense of observation, which might also tie in with the opera glasses. (I was also getting an injection needle - then I realized I was due for my booster, so I went and got it. lol)
I decided, at least for now, that because of the tone of my work, I kind of need to avoid too much self promotion, out of the fear of looking self indulgent. Confessional work can be tricky, sometimes even embarrassing if it's done or presented badly, and my stuff often goes into confessional territory. So, I don't mind the idea of people discovering my work and enjoying it, but I don't feel comfortable promoting this as my personal blog. BTW, if people who watch me wondered why I made the blog temporarily private, I had an issue I was concerned about that I won't get too into but I felt like laying low for a little while. I feel better about things now, and so I reopened it.
We got our first snowfall in Toronto recently, so it's time to break out the winter gear again. Fortunately, I don't feel as stressed this year, so far, about the early evenings. Hope it stays positive for me!
Tuesday, 15 November 2022
I'm getting the feeling these are getting smoother, and I think I have THC to thank for that, because even though I can't do myself justice while toking away when I go into channel, it's the results that seem to be fine tuning it in the end. I just need to find the amount that works best for myself, but the stuff I smoke isn't super potent, and I often have the equivalent of no more than perhaps two joints a day by the end, vaped. Pretty tame.
I have suspected ascension is making me a little odd sometimes, I think coming out of possession and any byproducts of it isn't helping. I probably wouldn't make much of a medical intuitive, since I find it tricky pinpointing exactly what the problem is sometimes, but whatever I am doing in my practice, things are improving.
Going into the dark months, now that daylight savings time has passed, I brace myself, as I don't like the darkness of the early nights, I love the sun. But this year... maybe it's a little less harsh?
Monday, 14 November 2022
Well, I suspect there's something to the "sin" lifting, since the kaleidoscopic montage of psychic visionary input, among other phenomena, has relaxed into something a little less tense, indicating a calming of the psyche. What I had done that day that seemed relevant to this was pray with a crucifix to Jesus, calling Him in like a summoning, to lift all sin from me, as an experiment that I felt called to do. Be it residue from my fight with the dark one, or something else, there was still a heavy burden, and now it feels like a relaxation of consciousness. I want to give it more time to see how much more things shift.
Reflecting on my art, I have concluded that despite the often gritty, sexy overtones to it, what I am really demonstrating in all of my work is the subconscious, and the strangeness it can bring. (Sex has always been grotesque to me, so you won't catch me making it look romantic, or particularly erotic.) My subconscious is a strange, marvelous place that is like a cartoon show that is constantly trying to one up itself, sometimes it will heckle itself if it misses the mark, so this darkness did, after a while, seem like a foreign influence, because it didn't belong with my cuteness. Today, I don't sense the same levels of pain.
I suspect that once all of the spiritual emergency lifts, what might remain is just a malaise from the sadness of being a mystic in the modern age. At least in this part of the world, it's profoundly depressing, and when I do encounter people I can share my experiences with, I am very grateful.
Sunday, 13 November 2022
After a brief mental health break, I am back at work again. It seems it's been a strain for everyone - I wonder if Mars Retrograde is to blame for my concerns, and that fire in my building? Mars Retrograde 2020 was when I was physically assaulted and had to go to an ER.
I think I am at a critical part of my transformation and it's going to be a bit raw, especially because of my experiences with possession, which created a trauma that conventional psychiatry is unable to treat. I have to live low and small, and take it easy these days. Sometimes I am hyper critical about not being more involved in worldly things, like the art world... but then I remind myself that I am always trying my best, and right now, this is the finest I can muster. So, for the time being, I will remain at rest.
(Also true is that I still want to get on releasing that Asylum Squad omnibus - so stay tuned for that!)
Saturday, 12 November 2022
I am not sure about this yet, but as I was enjoying a late night soak in the tub (I like to do bath rituals to calm down and prepare myself for bed sometimes, with oils, holy water, and candles - it allows me to unwind but it's also just more ritual to enjoy), I got the sense a new degree of "sin" (as channel has been calling the heaviness I feel) was releasing. Today it's a bit less heavy feeling in me, though I still feel slightly funny in consciousness, concluding that yes this is mostly psychology, or perhaps soul trauma, which is also psychology, but not a level that mainline psychiatry wants to discuss.
I am going out of town soon to visit relatives with two girlfriends - I think it will feel good, I was frustrated that I might had ended up back in CAMH recently. I know I should trust these places more, but I just feel like I'm always talking to a wall with most people who work there. I have met one cool psychiatrist and a handful of nurses that were great, I know a psychologist and others who work there who are the salt of the earth, but damn... I seem to always get the worst of them when my shit hits the fan.
I will observe over the next week how I feel since last night, and if anything major changes, it shall be documented.
Friday, 11 November 2022
So I think one of the best ideas to follow that would suggest where my struggle currently lies is the idea of the Jungian shadow, or shadows in the mind, and how they may affect my psyche. I was contemplating shadow work, and even though I have strived to confront my shadow's neuroses and sort things out, the traumas from possession created weird shadows in the mind, which play out as phenomena. It is extremely exhausting to deal with, and medication doesn't shut it down - this is pure psychology, I guess I just need to press on with Jungian analysis and prayer work to solve it. Praying to Jesus indicated that He would iron things out in the psyche for me eventually, but in the meantime I need to do what I have to do to maintain grounding. As I have mentioned before, this means having to commit to a life, albeit maybe just for for now, of simplicity, exploring things that bring calm and truly rich feelings, and not pushing myself too much. My ego is doing pretty well, my self is in good shape, but the shadow psyche, I feel, needs a strait-jacket after what I have been through. It's as though a little Tasmanian devil shows up once in a while to aggravate my day, and I think this is what is causing my fatigue and a feeling of lead-like weight throughout me, since I guess, based on the tests run when I get checkups, I seem to check out, at least when blood is drawn.
I contemplate shadow psyche, and it leads me to wonder if actual devils, like the kind we discuss in religion, are shadows in the psyche of God, and that we witnessing seeing God's pain with creation when these shadows are evident in how they effect things. I like the Indian idea of existing in "Vishnu's Dream" - perhaps devils are unresolved shadow work in the mind of God, in the play of life we exist in. I believe God is all loving, but devils make Him seem daunting sometimes.
I caught up with my analyst, and by the end of the conversation, he felt I was doing ok, just having some advice to share about the marijuana experiment. I probably should start seeing him again more regularly.
Thursday, 10 November 2022
Something that is becoming a suspicion of mine that grows with time is that my downloads are nothing more than explanations of things from my Higher Self, and that the Spirit's involvement is to allow that to happen when I pray for it. I may have to do a video where I explain this realization, because I don't want to continue explaining things incorrectly. The "Inner Guru" of kundalini is probably what this is, so now I am in a process of fine tuning the experience to get more out of what I have been calling "downloads". It is that process, and the awkwardness that results from it, that keeps me desiring a facade of whimsy and self aware humour, so as to make an artistic expression of how this experience feels. It is perhaps how I get away with looking absurd.
Years ago, when this began, I felt driven by something occult, perhaps I was comparable to that character from "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" who builds the mound and obsesses about aliens, except in my case it was about cultivating wisdom and pursuing religion, and trying to make sense of religion, as a person who never cared to give it much thought up until that time. I believe that kundalini did that... I have theories about the dark one, but I am still contemplating things. I know that to be a good contemplative I must check myself for truth in what comes to mind, and I have been in such extreme states that my conclusions have transformed repeatedly... I suppose my only real compass is how I feel in my emotional body, and I can certainly feel an abundance of love, but I'm scared it will leave me. My psychology is odd, I understand that, but it saddens me how western medicine sees the experience in such a boring way. (I wish I was Dr. Jung's patient.)
I took some time off work to come down from how I felt recently, and am feeling better. I must avoid hospital, if they are not to take my experiences with the evil one seriously as a real world trauma.
Sunday, 6 November 2022
I mostly stuck to Christian practises and ideas for a while, until I got the sense God wanted me to press on and explore a more eclectic approach. It's interesting where this has led me since changes that came in 2018. I still consider Jesus one of the most crucial gods because of His relationship to humanity, yet I also believe there are many ways to work with the Christ. I am extremely interested in some ideas from the Christian Witches movement, for example.
I realized today I have basically become an unwritten Neil Gaiman character, but that's ok - maybe I have to be this for a while to transition out of more humiliating times. An artist can get away with it.
Saturday, 5 November 2022
I just feel like making another post about the frustrations of having spiritual emergency (or perhaps the aftermath from it, since I am slowly feeling better) in a city without adequate care that combines mental health services with religious/spiritual services. I came up with an idea for what could help, but it probably sounds better on paper than it would be in practice, about having some kind of service with doctors who double as clergy in religion, or who have some kind of spiritual role in the community, and that there would be a variety of people of faith to turn to, like a multifaith thing, for education and secular assistance that could open doors in community. I am sure it's happened somehow before, I don't know how well, but there's nothing that I know of in Toronto. Vancouver has something, a kind of a spiritual care network I found out about... in Toronto, you better have money to shell out for something individual. I decided to be a "wounded healer" and heal myself with what I can scrape together because I honestly don't know what else to turn to. When people offer me things, I take their support, but I demand to solve this on my own (mostly), because it makes me a finer healer, if that is the direction I'm headed in.
The only time I hear of mental health services taking spiritual crisis seriously (and by that I mean they go beyond using language that simply panders to the client's personal beliefs, and actually consider things like how the kundalini can change the structure of consciousness, and how other forms of emergency require religious sensitivity and consideration) is when religion takes an interest in a particular case, such as possession. I would gladly go to Anglicans for help, but I am not aware of them being an authority to turn to over perhaps other religions for fine guidance on solving things like possession - an educated friend told me the last official Anglican exorcism ended in a death, so it was dropped as something they will do under the church. With that in mind, I don't even know what they would advise of post possession care, or kundalini (kundalini being my suspicion as to why I can do things like downloads). I don't even know what Anglicans would say about the fine mess I have been in, or what happens when a Christian suddenly starts working with other gods, alongside Jesus and Mary, I suppose they're bound to be better in some ways than other churches. I just don't know who to approach, and since the pandemic, I find Anglican doors closed now moreso than ever. Again, I will take religious help, I will take any decent help if it is offered, but where to turn?
There is a bit of a damsel in me, I must confess - this has been so painfully brutal that I long for someone to come along and make it all better. Yesterday, when I was packing my bags while considering hospitalization, all it took was reminding myself that medical services don't understand my psychology, don't understand how I have a difference that they misinterpreted years ago, and so going to them will simply reinforce the wrong ideas, they may even see me as "hard to treat" since my psychology is unusual, no matter what drug or treatment they try. It's just who I am now... what hurts is the strain of something that remains a mystery, what in me is still in need of healing - perhaps it's just weariness?
Again, I am gradually feeling better with time, but it moves like molasses, and I hate going into the darker months of the year with a vulnerable mind. I watched "The Exorcist" again during Hallowe'en and was kind of jealous of Regan's attention and support from everyone in the movie - I had to get out of my diabolical scrape by the skin of my teeth, alone.
Toronto seems to not only be a sad place for spiritual services, it's also had a lot of cases of possession and spiritual disturbance that I have personally heard of in my circles. Not good times for a region to not be equipped to deal with this properly!
Friday, 4 November 2022
First one in a little while - enjoy!
Almost went to hospital last night, even packed my bag - but I was able to ground, reminding myself hospital is no place for someone like me. Staff always try my patience and I really don't think I need a med adjustment. I'm going to cut back on the pot a little bit, even though I still feel it's been therapeutic... better sleep, calmer nights, cleaner subconscious. I probably was just gunning it a bit too much out of excitement.
OMG - my wild family was on Canadian Family Feud recently (several cousins, and my big sister)... too hilarious, they stole the show, and won some money!