The results of becoming a bit of a luddite...

(I'm a failed rivethead.)

It was shortly after my father's passing in 2017, that I became obsessed with solving levels of pain I had endured since 2006, and one thing I decided to do was to stop taking in as much media, abandon video games, and work in a bit of a psychological vacuum designed to focus on tuning inward to find that supposed inner spark of divinity that lies within us all.  The results are interesting, but now I have a dilemma where several years have passed, and I have not taken in much from the news, so a 2023 rundown video was rather shocking when I realized that, apart from war and that incident with the Titanic submarine disaster, I really had no idea what had gone on in the world.  I went to the desert, it was Toronto, but only because I ignored everything.

I feel I have mystically encountered God, the results might even be spectacular someday if I can just hold on, but I realize I have barely used my latest Macintosh, purchased a few years ago, and I don't even understand anything about current technological trends.  It makes me suspect certain advances are perhaps more of an irritant to this planet than anything else, and I wonder what Her response would be, if She could only swat us like flies.

This is a daunting state, if I suddenly wanted a job that required certain skill levels with computers, it forces me to maintain my part time work and bohemian artist lifestyle, which seems reasonable enough, I am at least not spreading myself too thin.  2024 is off to a decent start with certain resolutions, I hope this continues.

-Saraƒin

New painting: "Yemaya, Birthing the Waters"...

I have been experimenting with a little bit of devotional practice with some Orisha, with candles and offerings, after I felt myself compelled to dance, and got the impression it might have been Yemaya.  I am not attempting Santeria, or any other specific practice that involves the Orisha, but instead an eclectic practice that came out of spiritual emergency, conforming to mostly folk Christian practices, and then getting the sense that, after a certain point, it was time to experiment, as an eclectic.  I try leads I get in practice, until they prove to be irrelevant (in my case), and I make art about it, in the meantime.  

Since Yemaya is the Orisha I turn to the most, I decided to paint Her.  I quite like how this tuned out.  Acrylic on canvas, with paint pens.  (This might go in an upcoming art show.)

-Saraƒin
 

Winter anxiety...

It seems like I am not immune to degrees of Seasonal Affective Disorder, except I am feeling great anxiety, not depression.  Winter isn't the finest for many of us, but it's not the cold that bothers me, it's the lack of sunlight.  My bedtime anxiety attacks are back, and now my jaw is often sore, which makes me worry I am clenching it in my sleep.  I guess I should keep a stash of Ativan for these attacks - mostly, I use Loxapine to conk myself out if I have trouble sleeping.  I also upped my daily dosage of vitamin D, and am using a grounding mat my mother gave me, which allows a light current to calm the nerves, by resting my bare feet on it.  I feel angels help me calm down, thank God there's someone there in spirit - often, I panic at what my life has been, what it feels like it might become if things don't settle, and what aging in low income will feel like under these circumstances.  Antipsychotics have zero effect on any of this, it's anxiety, and feelings that I can't stand being in my own skin.

I wonder if I am in some form of "rapture" - I read a bit of Evelyn Underhill again, and it is said that at certain levels, even though it's love working through you, God can feel very intense, and I probably am having flashbacks to the entity, which confuse me about my personal safety.  It is a really agonizing thing to feel, and it's bad knowing I can't turn to mental health services for this stuff, because no one has ever researched mysticism enough to know what to say, they simply want to skirt the issue with an irrelevant diagnosis that would insult any mystic.  (When they do this, I call it "McDiagnosis".)

I contemplate ayahuasca and ibogaine, but I still want to avoid all heavy entheogens, I just want to keep things light with a bit of marijuana to coax the mind forward, along with prayer practice.  I no longer feel the rushes up the spine when I try my consecrated alcohol rituals, and get the sense any effect is now done, if there ever was, my fun with that practice has reached its limit, but I still feel the rushes in the spine from other things, and may still do a drink ritual now and again when friends come over - except for one shot of Fireball, I haven't had any alcohol since New Year's Day.  (One of my resolutions will be to curb alcohol, now that I know it's not working anymore the way I once felt it.  I already crave it less.)

So, it's as though I have a really strong ego, but my subconscious aches, while my superconscious, which I am very attuned to, cheers me on, and tells me to hold on tight.  It seems as though things are getting more relaxed over time, but what I have is troubling sensations and feelings that come over me, and the loneliness of being without a mentor or teacher, trying to solve this on my own.

Maybe that's the leap of faith I had to take at this age, to be a wounded healer.

-Saraƒin