Contemplating my archetypes with the tarot - an update...

I thought I would do another self-analysis article, this time with archetypes from the major and minor arcana of the tarot:

Recently, I pulled the Page of Wands and got the message that my inner child had strengthened again, back to being rather like this card, which is what I was like back in my 20s, before the spirit assaulted me.   In this case, a spritely person with a pixie quality, but only as the inner child.

The Queen of Swords is my true self, but the Queen of Cups is my persona - I am also pulling that one day, my persona will become the Queen of Pentacles.  (I am trying to avoid Queen of Wands qualities.) I became the Queen of Swords because of a ferocity that grew in me due to what I endured, the Queen of Cups softens that ferocity.

In my practice, I am amounting to something of a High Priestess, I have reached a certain level of that.  In the past, I have been drawn amorously to men who are like the Knight of Cups, but I am getting that perhaps the Knight of Swords is better for me.  

I had purchased a deck of plastic Rider cards, because of how torn and dog eared my paper edition had become, but I use the cards so much, that already the ink is wearing off - I can't win!  Often, I sit in bars and restaurants and contemplate with the cards as an alternative to scrolling through social media on my phone.  People often ask for readings - I have decided to turn them all down, telling them I just use them for contemplation.  I don't like being put on the spot, this is my response every time.

As the new year approaches, I have decided to keep my resolutions simple: to renew my passport, and to get back into regular exercise.

-Saraƒin

Archetype check...

I've written about archetypes I have observed in myself in the past.  I want to do an article now on what I observe in some of those archetypes now:

The inner male is now integrated, and I don't feel a masculinity in me now, it's more of a feminine strength.  I suspect Sekhmet is behind this, there is a ferocity to me that has come forward since my last hospitalization that is quite feminine.  It could be a hormonal shift from aging, but whatever it is, I no longer feel the masculinity in me I thought I once knew.

The old woman is going away.  I think she emerged from me feeling sick, but because I have been healthier as of late, I no longer feel as weary, and so I feel more like a middle aged woman with an inner child archetype who refuses to stop being a bit of a big kid.  The inner child is healthy, and not terribly needy now.  It takes one glimpse in the mirror to remind me I'm in my 40s, because I still sometimes feel like I'm in my early 30s, only wiser - I think many of us are like that.  (I am not sure if I am aging gracefully, I worry I am aging rather quickly because of the impact possession had on my body, but I am tougher emotionally than others my age.)

My inner queen is bored, because I don't live a particularly grand life, and would love to explore more of the world.  My resources are simply limited, and I have to be very cautious with money.  Also, I feel that simple living is contributing to my healthier state, so I don't care to take on too much.  Still, a trip to a sacred site or a culturally rich place would really do my heart some good.

It's not necessary an omen, but there's some beautiful large black birds nesting in the area - a first for this kind of bird.  They are either very large crows, or perhaps ravens.  I got very close to one of them, they're so beautiful.  I am quite excited to see them, we get a myriad of common bird life, it's neat to see some variety.

Christmas is virtually here - I will be with family.  I'm still sorting out plans for New Year's Eve, but I think I am going to an art party.

-Saraƒin

Looks like I'm in the clear!

Usually, the danger zone for me when lowering a dose of psychiatric medication is several days, if there's a withdrawal problem.  Now that it's been just under two weeks, I'm convinced this is going well.  In fact, I am feeling much better at this dose, my mind feels clearer, not as tight or annoyed at the drugginess.  I will give it a few weeks, and then I will contact my GP about what I did, and ask him to lower it to 20 mg.  (My pharmacist knows, and he doesn't see a problem with it.)

I have decided I have become anti-psychiatry (mostly) because of how often I have been jerked around by the practice, over the years.  I used to say I was just highly critical of it, but now I think it is ultimately a dangerous pseudoscience that must be graduated from eventually, or else iatrogenic harm is a serious risk, as is oppression, or at least humiliation, as one becomes an elder and has to deal with geriatric psychiatry.  It took being hastily diagnosed with Schizotypal Personality Disorder when I was foolish enough to ask for ECT (and this diagnosis was simply to invoke the ECT, no thorough interview was conducted about my life) for me to conclude that the whole thing is a load of bullshit.  Yes, I was the one who asked for the treatment (following their advice, of course), but what would have been better is a discussion on what this treatment is "good for" when I was asking to heal from trauma, not this.  The diagnosis lasted mere weeks before it too vanished, and now I either have an official diagnosis of severe PTSD because of SCID (and am on a waiting list for an autism diagnosis), or perhaps I'm just a mystery to them.  At any rate, this is all so unscientific that I find it absurd what doctors can invoke with their authority.  I can't help but feel they are all liars, and play games to keep clients in line, rather like how one coerces a child to behave themselves.  It is so insulting being 43 years old, and getting talked down to by a psychiatrist, some of whom are now younger than me.

Count me out, get me off this medication, and get me the fuck out of the system.  I need a diagnosis to eat (I require disability), my mind is just so different it makes life complex and I agree I have ridiculous levels of trauma, so they have to call it something.  But the shit I have had to deal with is ludicrous.

Run, run while you can.

-Saraƒin

Down to 30 mg...

I am taking another leap of faith, as I did with the shrooms, which worked out well.  Without consulting my GP (and yet I had proposed it to him before, and he seemed receptive), I began cutting my 60 mg tablets of Latuda in half, down to 30 mg, because I feel like I can handle it now.

Even Latuda, which is not as horrible as some antipsychotics I have taken, is a mind numbing agent, stifles me as an artist, might not be helping with my struggles with cholesterol, and complicates my abilities with clairvoyance.  Something relaxed a bit in the soul several days ago, and I got an insight from spirit writing to try cutting my pills in half.

I have been on an even lower dose in the past when things were much worse, so I think this will be fine.  It has already been a few days on 30 mg, and nothing negative has happened.  I have kept half of my stash uncut, in case I need to raise it again, but so far, so good.  My goal, among them, has been to lower Latuda with time, with the intention to eventually be free of it entirely.  I am no longer considered schizoaffective on paper, so doctors have become more receptive to this possibility.  At long last.

Contemplating what I said about my soul's death, perhaps I was overanalyzing something I felt come over me.  Bad channeling can still happen, and although soul death is something I faced as a feeling, I am not sure I can trust that literal interpretation anymore.  It felt like a death, I felt so unwell I was convinced I would die.  I have felt ties to the Underworld, perhaps this soul death was more like the Death card of the tarot (signifying change), and less like the Ten of Swords.  Definitely, this has felt like being a phoenix rising from the ashes of my former self, so maybe that interpretation makes more sense than literally resurrecting a soul.  Contemplating symbolism is tricky, this is true for dream analysis, but also for channeling, clairvoyance, and other techniques.  There are mysteries I am still trying to solve in my understanding of self.

I have completely conquered my fear of the ouija board - I made that board for the art show, which I now use to eyeball as a form of divination with the Spirit, instead of for spirit communication with a planchette, which I won't do.  I also ironically wear a ouija board purse that I purchased this year around the Hallowe'en season.  I feel like I solved something very strange, and can laugh at it now.  I am bracing myself for preachy Christians coming up to me and telling me how foolish I am for wearing it - they certainly don't get my ties to Jesus sometimes, seeing a goth girl and assuming satanic desires in me.  It gets pretty hilarious when I explain how much Jesus means to me, and they don't know what to say - I leave out the other gods I turn to, none of their business!

-Saraƒin

A shocking insight...

I recently had a really shocking insight about what my spiritual health became.  Because of how brutal the assault on me was from the negative spirit, my soul in fact suffered a death, and so this healing process with Pluto has been about getting it back.  (I know this sounds far fetched to the skeptic, but to the shaman, and to those who believe in souls, this is entirely possible - I have often felt like I'm dying when I bed down, which is why sleep at night is so hard.)  While the spirit and of course the body lived, the soul died.

It's been about doing everything I can think to do to get it to come back, and its state means my readings are wonky, although they are getting better.  Ancestor spirits are coming through more clearly, I can now have clearer conversations with them when I sense a presence. 

I felt Jesus come through quite clearly in channel yesterday, and had a conversation to clear some things up.  He urges me to calm down, things will be fine, it's just that I was tortured so severely, my essence gave out.  It's up to me to use my techniques to get it back faster, but I am on the mend.

I wish I could have conversations with more people in medicine about this, but they will tell me I'm full of shit, and will want to jack up my Latuda, or switch drugs, which never works - the soul will still be in pain, and my brain will feel slow and tight, like it's in a C clamp, on a new drug, I would feel the same, having tried most of them, and I might even have terrible side effects.  This is a spiritual disorder, not psychosis, and so the only way to heal is with spiritual techniques.  I can't believe I almost got ECT - what a stupid idea, never again!

I am not even frightened by this information at this point, I am on the mend, and should be healed soon, if all goes well.  This blog is where I tell pieces of my story, because even among friends, most don't hear anything from me about this subject.  Not many among them know about this writing, I am not sure how many people are into blogs these days.  I find it's best if I not draw attention to myself with strange details about my life, people appreciate someone who doesn't complain too much, or make it all about them.

In another city, maybe... but not Toronto.

-Saraƒin

"Cat Nap Visions"...

 

Here is the flyer for one of my upcoming shows, "Cat Nap Visions" - artwork inspired by cats.  There will be no cover, I probably will be there early on in the afternoon to socialize with the other artists.

Just in case the graphic doesn't load for you - Foy House is at 92 Isabella St in Toronto, this event is on from December 13th until the 20th.  Opening reception will be on the 13th, from 3:00 until 9:00 pm.

That's all for now!

-Saraƒin

Sekhmet...

Sekhmet is getting stronger in me.

Channeling has been a bit clearer, and I feel like She is building my occult power.  I also feel this mother lion energy as I grow, where I feel more established as both the sprite that I once was, but also who I am becoming, out of the chaos of what I went through spiritually.  Jesus is very important to me as a saviour and healer, but it seems I do need to really focus on my relationship to Sekhmet to grow as a magician.  I have been neurotic sometimes about the non-Christian sources, coming from a Christian background and wondering what a priest would say, but as I explore them, new qualities that sharpen my senses have come forward, my call as a magician is real, and I must contemplate the gods while I explore this.

I sold another painting!  A friend came by and liked "Satan Is My Bitch", the "Vatican 7" piece that featured Sister Penance dominating Satan, so they bought it for $100.  So, this year wasn't a complete write-off for art sales just because I didn't move anything in galleries.  I have two more art shows coming up before the year is over - "The Candy Factory" at Super Wonder Gallery, which doubles as the Christmas Minis show, and "Cat Nap Visions" at Foy House, which is a show about felines.  (One piece that was going into "The Candy Factory" will now instead be in the Foy House show, because it features a cat, and that's the "Vatican 7" piece with the bald cat, Pope Sanctimonious, and Sister Penance.)

Further details to follow!

-Saraƒin

Delving deeper into the tarot...

I did further attunement yesterday with Sekhmet, later discovering how to better my successes with the tarot, and other divination practises.

Usually, I would just flip the cards and receive a download through vocal channeling, and that was about it.  But yesterday, I decided to gaze a little longer, scry using my active imagination skills, and suddenly, I began to witness animations within the arcana - for example, the King of Wands offering an embrace, another character holding up an object, all to suggest deeper meaning.  So, I am to study the cards a little longer, it would seem.  I am not a master of tarot knowledge, merely, I have attuned to a level of mastery with overall divination ability - I dare not read for anyone else these days, knowing I have murkiness in the unconscious I have to clean out, part of the reason I decided to bury Teresa Powers.  I will pull a card or two for others if they ask, never for hire, but my process is about perfection at this point, I may have jumped the gun, while recovery is still underway.

Active imagination is part of why crystal ball is so effective for me, but it works for other forms of divination as well.  I may have finally healed the root with all the reiki I did, I still have rough nights, but this November, I am not quite as stressed about going into the dark season.  I finally quit mushrooms - the last time I consumed them I felt nothing but spacey on them, and decided it was time to stop.  But they did help when they worked, trauma is not as bad, and I feel closer to the higher spirit.

December is supposed to be a significant month for me, so I should watch for signs.

-Saraƒin

My next show at Super Wonder Gallery...

This is the flyer for my next show at Super Wonder Gallery - looks like I will be featuring 4 pieces of art, including "Our Lady of Guadalupe", "Lord Vishnu", "Dementia Praecox", and a piece from the "Vatican 7" series.  

I just had another art opening last night at Northern Contemporary - very good turnout, sadly, no sales for my friends and I.  It seems people only want tiny pieces these days, money is tight for virtually everyone.  I might consider this when making new pieces - tiny canvases priced low.  I priced "The Devil" at $250.00, hoping it would move, but he didn't.  There's still a week left for any potential buyer, but usually if a piece doesn't sell on opening night, it doesn't later.  Oh well!

Again, here are pics of the pieces I want to put in "The Candy Factory / Xmas Minis Show" - still contemplating the prices:

"Our Lady of Guadalupe"

"Lord Vishnu"

"Dementia Praecox"

"Vatican 7"

These pieces just need to be prepped with acrylic spray and wires, "Vatican 7" was done on canvas board, so I have to attach it to a frame, too.  I will be pricing them all quite low, I think that's part of what the curator wants, so that pieces move.

-Saraƒin

New painting: "Church Window"...

Finished (mostly)!

I just have to paint the back, do some more varnishing, and then it's completed.  Though the angels look slightly more cartoony here than I was going for (I was trying for a Medieval look), I think they turned out nicely.  This was a bit tedious, painting in that narrow space, but I was able to finish it in three days.

I colour coded the angels, based on their designated colours.  Raphael is green, Michael is blue, Gabriel is white, and Uriel is red.  So why did I choose yellow for Gabriel?  Well, another colour for Gabriel is gold, and I thought the primary colours plus one secondary would just look nicer than green, blue, white, and red, so I chose to use yellow to suggest gold instead.  A bit of artistic licence, I guess.  I was thinking about writing their names out in the panels as well, but worried it would look funny, so I decided to leave it alone.  Later, I added their initials.

The most frustrating task was trying to get paint to stick to that backing - it was some strange man-made material, so I had to varnish it and paint on top of the coat of varnish.  The frame itself is wood, so that wasn't challenging.

It's 23.5" x 14", done with acrylics, paint pens, and imitation gold leaf.  I think I will price it at $450.00 because of how tedious it was to paint - also, I just really like it, the frame was a unique find and I don't want to sell it for anything lower.

Good news!  "The Devil" was accepted into that Hallowe'en show at Northern Contemporary.  "A Nightmare on Roncesvalles 4" opens next Thursday, October 23rd, at 6 pm.  (The location is 420 Roncesvalles Ave.)  Two artist friends of mine also made it in.

-Saraƒin

Next project: Found frame, revamped...

As I have mentioned probably several times, I'm a big fan of thrifting.  When I was out visiting the relatives for Thanksgiving, my mother and I went to a Mennonite thrift store, and she spotted this Hallowe'en decoration, mentioning that it would work well as something I could revamp as an art project.  I agreed it was a good idea, so, along with the purchase of a purple and black paisley blazer, I brought it home.

I was sitting with it for a while, trying to decide what to do with it.  One idea was to use the figure of the girl as a template and do a piece on purgatory, similar to the Anima Sola one I did years ago, but I have already painted Anima Sola, so I decided on something with angels.

I was thinking of doing something seraphic at first, because I wanted to incorporate an eye and winged motif, but decided it might be too awkward to portray a single seraph in this four panelled frame, so I contemplated what else I could do, and decided to do a piece about the four archangels of the East, South, West, and North = Raphael, Michael, Gabriel, and Uriel.  I want to do it with mostly metallic paint and paint pens, I'm going to paint the frame black so it looks like a leaded stained glass church window.

This rough pencil sketch is what I have so far, I haven't started yet - I was also toying with the idea of finally doing that St. Sebastian piece, but I might tackle this one first.  A lot of my Catholic art is ironic in some way, but I want this one to be more elegant, if I can pull it off.  It would be a waste of such an amazing find if I did something difficult with it.

Right now I am just trying to decide on how to proceed - should I lay down the flat colours first, or start by painting the frame black?  My guess is that I should start with the frame, and slide paper under it to protect the back panel while I paint it.  It's kind of impossible to remove the frame without fucking it up - not ideal, but it is what it is.

Tomorrow, my lady friends and I head to Hellbar - a Hell themed Hallowe'en pop up bar (we did this last year too) for some sinister cocktails and diabolical eats.  I love Hallowe'en season, and Toronto is a pretty good city for Hallowe'en fun, because it lasts all month.

-Saraƒin
 

Another sale!

Well, it sold before making it into a gallery, but I'm very happy to report that "Precious Lamb of God" sold to my friend and local poet for its asking price.  This lifted my spirits a bit, as 2025 was not a stellar year for art sales.  (I hear this has been true for many artists, not just for me.)  I will know in two days if "The Devil" made it into that Hallowe'en show - here's hoping!

I am out of town until tomorrow, visiting family for Canadian Thanksgiving.  While out of town, I have had several lovely walks in the woods.  Today I discovered I might have a use for wands after all, as a sort of "talking stick" that allows me to concentrate for channeling, spirit writing messages in the air, and when directing my attention to things through the guidance of the Spirit.  I discovered this after practicing with a twig I picked up off the forest floor.  I had stopped experimenting with wands as more traditional western occult tools, and I don't do much with athames either, finding them a bit hokey.  But now, using a wand makes more sense.  I may start packing my handmade wand in my bag when I go off into the woods to convene with nature.

Well, I'm back to drinking again ceremonially!  Not as much as I once was, I am trying to balance it with non-alcoholic options.  I just started getting motioned by guides to try it again, maybe I was just to detox and ease up a little?  When I go to the bar, I try to make only one drink alcoholic, and the rest non-alcoholic.  Maybe I can drink, but be more reasonable about it now.

I'm back on the train to Toronto tomorrow!

-Saraƒin 

New piece: "Precious Lamb of God"...

I had something like this planned about a month ago, but was not sure how I would execute it.  I went back to Dollarama today and bought another round canvas, thinking it was a good shape for the design.  The idea was to take the sacrificial image of the Lamb of God and portray it in that vintage children's book style that often features baby animals, to make an extremely deranged image of a cutesy lamb gleefully bleeding into a cup, like a strange artifact a Catholic grandmother would buy her grandchild for their baptism.  This is obviously Catholic irony - perhaps a reminder of some of the strange ideas we put in children's heads when they are raised in religion.  It's not intended to mock Catholicism, merely bad Catholics, and some of the strange products that have come out of religion.  This piece also makes fun of white Christians a little bit.  (Junko Mizuno stuff was in the back of my head while I made it.)

"Ecce Agnus Dei" means "Behold the Lamb of God" - I think I will enter this one into the Super Wonder Gallery Christmas Minis Show as well.  The canvas is 12" in diameter, this was done with acrylics, paint pens, and imitation gold leaf.  I will probably charge $250.00 for this.

Here's a rough pencil sketch I did when I was plotting the design:

-Saraƒin

New painting: "Dementia Praecox"...

 

The muse came to visit for tea, so I went to Dollarama to go canvas hunting for an idea for some mad art that popped into my head.  I stumbled upon round canvases, I haven't used one of these in a while, but thought it would work for a psychiatric ward themed piece, because its roundness implies that it can't hurt you, and also it's sort of like a peep hole.  The idea was to paint a vintage looking strait-jacket floating in a padded cell, with a Psi all aglow at the top.  I contemplated the name, and decided on "Dementia Praecox", which was the old clinical term for schizophrenia, to give it a dated vibe.  I made the jacket look oxidized with a bit of yellow, and in Instagram I added some sombre music by The Caretaker with crackling record sounds.

What I am capturing is how we have glorified a practice which has never truly understood human psychology, changes constantly with the times, using crude tools and a bible that is not sacred - the glowing Psi suggests that glorification.  Anyone who knows me knows how I feel completely misinterpreted by mainstream mental health, and how lonely and disheartening that has been.  I don't make a lot of mad art these days, but I will probably turn to it once in a while, because of my ties to the Mad Pride movement, and my former activist days.  (I wish Mad Pride Toronto was still active, but it looks pretty quiet since the pandemic.)

The diameter of this piece measures 12", acrylic and paint pens on canvas.  I think I am charging $200.00 for it - might put it in the 2025 Christmas Minis Show at Super Wonder Gallery, later in the year.

-Saraƒin

Upcoming shows...

I think I have two more shows for the rest of the year - I just submitted "The Devil" (my tarot card piece from "True Crime") to "A Nightmare on Roncesvalles 4", which is a Hallowe'en show at Northern Contemporary.  (I am pricing "The Devil" at $250.)  Then there's the Christmas Minis show at Super Wonder Gallery, later in the year, where I may present some "Vatican 7" pieces, and maybe two others I haven't shown yet.  Sales have been bad for most artists this year, as I have mentioned - people are just not coming out and buying art.  Sigh.

A friend and I might be making an excursion to Ottawa to stay in a very special hostel.  There is an old jail that is said to be haunted, it was converted into a youth hostel, and it looks incredible.  Although revamped with modern showers and amenities, it's still very much a jail, except cell doors are accessible with a room key.  Breakfast is free, fees are reasonable, and it's steps away from Parliament.  Because we're two weird goth ladies, we thought it would be something fun and spooky to do in October... not sure yet if we can fit it in, but it's a possibility.  (No one else wanted to join us... although goth, they are apparently not as bizarre as we are lol)

Though I'm not quite ready yet, I am sensing I might soon be able to lower my Latuda.  The summer was extremely healing, and the mind feels stronger now more than ever before.  Apart from a small glass of alcoholic beer the other day (when a friend was trying to finish off a pitcher of Pabst Blue Ribbon and I helped him), the sobriety continues... because of this, anxiety is way down, and sleep is healthy again, very few PRNs are needed.  I will probably have wine at Thanksgiving, but I have discovered that alcohol-free Guinness is pretty good, so I have been enjoying that as of late.  

I just had a bit more psilocybin, and that unlocked higher levels of the mind, but that's basically the only drug I'm doing these days, and again, it's very little.

-Saraƒin

New painting: "Lord Pluto"...

This one was dashed off rather quickly - I have a bad habit of racing through my art, which is a throwback to being a propmaker and trying to finish Lion King props on tight schedules.  An art teacher in college told me to slow it down, but I have never been able to do so for long.  I guess it means the art suffers in some ways... still, I kind of like something about this one.  (I am also a victim of psychological torture, and I think it shows in the work - volume is disjointed, emotions are severe.)

Lord Pluto, I am convinced, was a god who helped restore my lower psychology.  By working with several techniques, including a talisman, consecrated alcoholic beverages, and reiki, levels of the unconscious seemed to calm out of the horror I was dealing with, post possession.  I have often received spirit drawings of various Pluto related symbols, urging me to work with this god.  I had inherited this black canvas from a friend, and felt I was to use it for a piece dedicated to Pluto.

I was tempted to add to the background, but I think I will leave it.  Because there is so much detail in the foreground, the solid black background might be best left alone.

It felt good to paint again.  This piece is now hanging on my wall near other Greek/Roman themed paintings I've produced.

-Saraƒin

UPDATE: I did some touch-ups and reposted the image here with the changes - I think it looks better now that I moved my signature from the front to the side.  I am not sure if I want to sell this one now that I fixed it, my eye is drawn to it a lot as an object of study when I contemplate my relationship to this god, so I might price it at $400.00 - I am not certain when it might go in a show.  16" x 20" - acrylics and paint pens on black canvas.

Contemplating Hallowe'en...

It's Code Orange shopping season, which means every goth who loves to decorate has their eyes peeled for spooky Hallowe'en items, and I'm back at it myself.  Nothing major so far, just little things, like a skull shaped candle holder for my bathroom, some black lightbulbs, a new tablecloth to sit on when I go to the park to meditate (my last one was worn out), and a doormat that would work well for the bathroom as a bathmat.  I am trying to keep it practical, as I already have quite a bit of stuff from previous years of Code Orange shopping.  This is when I think that despite it being nice that I at least have a one bedroom apartment, it would be really neat to own a house and go absolutely mad with goth decorating.  Oh well!

I don't think I will have any major costume for this year, so I might just use the bobby (London cop) costume again, because it's warm to wear in late October, and easy to put together.  I'm going to be seeing John Maus in concert with my friend on October 1st.  Maus caught my attention with his surreal lo-fi pop and incredibly strange lyrics.  When I saw he was touring a new album, I had to go, he's an absolute wizard.  Looking forward to it!

Other than that, the ladies and I will probably just be doing a lot of clubbing, pop up bars, and Hallowe'en themed art events in the city.  I am still a bit of a curmudgeon with my city (because of many painful memories I have from living here), but Toronto is a great city for October fun.  I am learning to like The Big Smoke again, more and more.

-Saraƒin

Bad downloads...

Being a channel can be very weird, and means you might even worry for your mental health.  Sometimes awkward, or even strange content can come through - as was my experience while waking up this morning.

It wasn't even that dark, but it didn't feel like that loving guidance I am used to at this point.  I started fretting a bit, worried that there was still something very wrong with my situation.  But after remembering advice from an elder, and thinking it through, I called for aid (I called to Jesus, in my case - others might call to another source), and at once the oddness was lifted.  Phew!

When channeling first began many years ago, it was mostly just sounds and a few words, like something was warming up in me.  It was quite shocking to find myself speaking automatically, as if animated by some hidden force... and with the dark spirit, it was really bizarre what could come out.  But with attunement and release, it got more interesting.  I found that both Gabriel and Metatron really helped with the quality of the information, and of course, connecting to Jesus was major for me.

I still feel like I have room to grow, I am not leaping to come off Latuda just yet, it doesn't seem to interfere with the ability to channel.  I have had ignorant doctors argue that my channeling gift was a psychotic symptom, but that's ridiculous - the medication doesn't cancel it out, and there's no mention of this experience in the DSM V under any psychotic disorder, so it was just skepticism suggesting that.  I really wish there was a section in the DSM for parapsychology, one that would be respectful... perhaps that is coming someday.  Channeling has been strange from time to time, but it's mostly brought me great joy, guidance, and meaning.  It's like these gifts are perfectly acceptable in metaphysical bookshops, spirituality circles, religion (sometimes)... but doctors want to treat it like it's a terrible thing.  This is why I can't ask for help anymore, at least not from mainstream psychiatric medicine.  The quantum sciences are now suggesting ideas like death is an illusion, and that the universe is intelligent, but psychiatry seems to want to stay in the dark ages with its ideas.  With that in mind, how can anyone with alternative mental health rely on the current system for help?  People simply won't ask for assistance, for fear of getting formed if they talk too much about guides and angels.

I still do download videos sometimes, I just did three new ones, which are on my Instagram.  Old ones felt just too awkward as a format to hold onto, so I got rid of them.  Again, these are just for fun, to demonstrate something interesting, and to see how far I've come.

-Saraƒin

A little DIY modified shirt project...

I went thrifting again yesterday, after getting back to Toronto.  One of my finds from the haul was this torn and woven tank top that I decided I was going to modify.  So, today I went to Kensington Market and found this heart patch to iron onto it.

Walking home, it came to me to embroider, punk style, the words "Sacred Heart" beneath the heart.  Initially, I was going to embroider the letters in white, but I was out of white embroidery thread, so I chose to do it in red instead.  I'm glad I did - it gives it an almost scarification style look.  The result works for both "Catholic Goth" and "Catholic Punk" aesthetics.  It's been a while since I've done needlework, but it doesn't take a genius to do this kind of lettering.

If I only had a sewing machine, a better setup, and a wee bit more skill under my belt - I might start a DIY / modified thrift find indie label.  But for now, this kind of stuff is just for friends and I.

-Saraƒin

UPDATE:  I took these photos of an outfit I threw together using the shirt, after adding some safety pins:

I'm back from the monastery...

I had a lovely time on my retreat at Mount Carmel Niagara monastery.  My close friend and fellow mystic joined me this time.  My last visit was with another friend, initially we wanted that trip in 2023 to be the three of us, but the friend who went this time had to bail due to her job.  This year, she was free, so we spent two nights enjoying the grounds, doing litanies and Psalms in the graveyard, trying the wine (I treated myself, saying I would indulge just for this trip), enjoying the food, walking the labyrinth, and even seeing the falls. 

One thing I didn't realize is that the TV in the library had Netflix, so we watched a few things, including "The Pope's Exorcist" (a fun little piece of Catholic horror - recommended!), "Mary" (with Anthony Hopkins, we enjoyed it), and some episodes of a documentary series about Catholic relics.  Speaking of relics, I once again touched the St. Therese relic and said more prayers, as did my friend.  We are both convinced the place is "haunted" by friendly spirits, the kind of spiritual company that you would want around.  I bought a large Catholic medal with the Divine Mercy image of Christ on one side, and the miracle scene from Fatima on the other.  My friend bought us both Mount Carmel Niagara monastery brand wine glasses as souvenirs.  It was all over and done with far too quickly, but we had a lovely time, and expect to return.  (We might try a monastery in Quebec next, we're contemplating that, too.)

August is days away from ending, and I am feeling a touch of the end of summer blues.  Days are already getting a bit shorter, evenings are a bit chillier, and soon it will be cardigan season.  Thank God I have October to look forward to, or I'd be a wee bit miserable - it's November that's a drag, but nothing is as depressing as January and February, if the weather is terrible.  At least December means holiday fun, in my case.

This has been quite a healing summer though, I have to say.  July was especially strong for certain changes.  Another premonition I had was that something would be even better by December.  Here's hoping!

-Saraƒin

Meghan...

I keep getting the name "Meghan" through channel a lot, as though someone by that name is a guide who observes me and is offering advice.  This began a little under a year ago, and keeps getting stronger.  I don't know much about her just yet, other than she might be a spirit who took an interest in coming through to provide information, and my connection to her is getting stronger.  My father is another spirit who I sense around me from time to time... I don't sense Meghan the way I sense my father, I just channel that she's there to guide.  Interesting.  (Again, I don't perceive spirits by "seeing" or "hearing" them, like a visual or auditory thing, it's a sense of presence, and the download of information that they are coming through.) Angels feel powerful too, directing my attention to various things for study, helping me to avoid self-injury, providing comfort through my recovery.

Speaking of self-injury, I haven't engaged in any level of it in over a year.  In recent years, it's just been light smacking out of frustration, nothing that bad, no bruising... I might have defeated it.  I'm also not as self-deprecating, although I have moments when I doubt myself out of frustration, I guess we all do sometimes.

I must admit, I feel very little for most things these days, it's really just the nice little things that I admire the most.  Perhaps this comes from a life where I don't get to enjoy much because of my budget, so I appreciate what I can and have trained myself to navigate the world with gratitude for the calm that has entered my life, after decades of chaos.  I decided to set out and prove that a life can be well lived, even on a low budget like mine.  Personal style and art help with this, I call myself a bohemian because of the way I live.

It would be great if I didn't have to rely on the big city - I don't drive, so it would be difficult if I moved to the country, I have a life here and I must live it.  Things are stable, so I am grateful for that.  It's just so noisy, and I have to seek green space while the weather is still warm to observe any degree of nature I can find in Toronto.  I hear sirens and construction throughout the day, which I have to drown out with Spotify... a bit of silence would be nice.  

My retreat is next week, so that will be nice for a couple of nights.

-Saraƒin

Opening to God...

Just some musings I had about opening to God as a seeker:

One of the hardest sources to open to for me was Jesus, and I think I know why now.  When I had the dark entity affecting me directly, something might have been blocking me from easily invoking Christ.  It was through St. Jude that I got anywhere, and I really had to plead.  I have discussed this before, but I discovered that spiritual invocations can lead to other connections, and through a kind of experimental prayer based networking, I was able to invoke beyond Christian sources.

Something answered me back in 2006, when I was desperate to change my life, and sensed danger.  I think I needed to take my life more seriously for anything to answer my cries.  Until that time, up until the age of 24, I used to tell myself that I would be dead by 25.  I chain smoked, was self-destructive, and believed my life meant nothing.  After a suicide happened among people I knew, something clicked in me to take charge, that's when I felt called to focus on my soul.  Only then did wheels turn, although events did get really bizarre.  I was tested, but now I feel perhaps all was worth it, I am stronger emotionally, as a result.

I think God pays attention when we confront ourselves.  In my case, I had to put down the razor blades, and take command of my life.  A criminal who has committed serious offences and got away with it might have to turn themselves in, a sinner must prove themselves to Heaven by turning over a new leaf with literal good deeds, not just empty promises.  Commitment impresses God, so one must follow through with anything expected of them.

I must sound like such a strange "God lady" saying all of this, but it comes from my struggle.  A world abandoned me because of my pain... Heaven helped me get out of it, I can't help but feel thankful, but also a little bit obsessed.  Toronto is not the city to go through this, though - people here just don't get it, finding this stuff old fashioned.  I'm not even that churchy, but I am extremely mystical.  I love graveyards, monasteries, cathedrals, relics, sacred sites.  Toronto does not have enough of this kind of thing... at least, our culture isn't as enthused about it.

Perhaps others see me as someone wasting my life, but I do feel happier concentrating on my soul.  I have found friends like me, these are the people who have brought great wealth into my life.

-Saraƒin

Waving a new pride flag?

Lately, I've been wondering if I should start identifying as aromantic, as well as asexual.  I used to just call myself a heteroromantic asexual, but with no new crushes in decades, I'm thinking that my orientation might be changing again.

Maybe there's still something there, I still see men as the more attractive gender, but I just don't see anyone I find attractive anymore to the point of having a crush, and I don't want to bother looking.  Maybe it's too much trauma, maybe it's the dehumanization from the mental health care system, weird lessons about how my interpretation of myself didn't matter.  Maybe it's the kundalini working on me.  Whatever the reason, I just want men as friends now, or that they leave me alone entirely. 

I feel like my veil takes on a very powerful symbolic meaning.  As mentioned before, I thought about becoming a nun, my friendship with God was so powerful, I wanted to marry Him.  But He said I'd make a terrible nun, so I laughed and bought the latex nun habit to be that terrible nun, as a joke.  That latex habit is now on its last legs, but I veil daily now with a fabric one, for several reasons, but also to show my devotion to God in thanks for all He has done for me, for help in solving life's problems.  He's been a better provider than any other masculine I have ever known, and I don't think a male partner could compete with what I have with God.  It's not a romantic thing I have with God, but He's definitely my partner in crime.  I am not sure what a real nun would make of my life with Him, with all the witchiness I've been up to, with my fight with the negative spirit, I would just hope that they would get that I am sincere with my story.

Life is not that bad right now.  I just live in fear of being seen as irrelevant, my art career is very unsatisfying, I am not sure people liked it when I cancelled the old interpretation of myself with this blog, I worry the traffic viewing this blog is mostly gawkers, watching a spectacle unfold while I pour my heart out.  I fear the web because of a history of bullying and oppression, I am not sure what my image suggests, other than difference and rebellion.  I wonder if people were upset that I could not follow through on that schizophrenia narrative with the comic, discrediting the diagnosis, it worries me that I offended many with my twist... I certainly don't get much fan mail anymore.  Unsure with how to proceed with my image, all I can think to do is defend my situation with the strange truth, and hope that people who believe in paranormal and religious experiences might discover me, and have sympathy for how boring this all is.  What does the mental health world make of me?  Perhaps I look like a train wreck because I don't make a very good poster child for anything they could admire.  But I was never what they initially thought I was, I just had to fight my battle with strangeness, win, and then convince the system to back off.  But the horse is out of the gates, and the art world will make of me whatever it wants.

The alcohol abstinence continues - I just had one regular Corona last week when a friend had already bought it for me, everything else has been non-alcoholic.  It's possible I'll share a bottle of wine when I am at the monastery with my mystic friend later this month, but the new normal continues, and I feel much better.

-Saraƒin

Tears over the loss of my mother's former home...

I am heartbroken over some images my mother recently showed me of the property where her former home and bed & breakfast once stood.  In the Jordan Village region of Ontario, this quaint and adorable little house stood since the late 1800s, but was lost to a massive fire under new ownership.  My mother lived there and ran her business between the years of 2001 and 2007.

What's chilling is that this was not the first time a fire scare had happened there.  My mother told me about how one night, her cat Annabelle heroically woke her up to warn her that there was a fire in the basement.  Fortunately, the fire department was able to take care of it at the time, nothing was lost, Annabelle had saved Mom's life, and the house.  But I guess the problem came back in recent times, and without anyone at home, the little house was engulfed in flames.  Now it sits, an empty lot, with just the cottage that was next to it remaining.

I had lived there briefly with Mom while I was in-between housing.  I have strange memories of the dark entity approaching me in my bedroom there, for the first time, calling itself "The Devil".  I also had a vision of Pope John Paul II warning me about the devil, among other strange happenings, it was so maddening and surreal.  There were both good and bad memories from those days, my mother lived there on her own after splitting up with my Dad.  My childhood Siberian Husky was buried in the backyard, under a tree - now, we worry that any new structure put up on the land might mean that dear Sacha the husky dog might be dug up, her grave defiled.

It's a heartbreatking story - I really feel terrible for the owner who lost everything to this fire.  I keep thinking back to my memories of it, of how strange everything got spiritually while I was there.  

I hope it wasn't cursed by evil forces to burn down.  There are a lot of strange problems on the main street of Jordan Village, it has the drama level of an episode of Passions.

-Saraƒin

Principles for a Christian-based magickal practice...

Expanding on my recent articles about what I learned from practising magick after years of my mystical experiences, I wanted to suggest other principles for an alternative, Christian-based approach, one that allows the magician to work with Jesus to achieve their magickal goals:

- Only become the magician if Jesus allows it.  Do the groundwork as a Christian - make sure you do all necessary prayers and practises for baptism, confirmation, become born again, and commit yourself to Him in any way you need to commit.  When I discovered I had the potential, I surrendered my magickal will to Jesus, so that my ego did not command what I wanted.  Rather, my will became Heaven's will, so I could only create reactions Heaven desires to see in the world.  The result of the attunement process is a magickal practice where everything is done in the name of Jesus, so I am free from experiencing backlash, which is what is warned about in religions like Wicca.  Now, I am free to explore and experiment without worry, because I have attuned to a point where I am allowed to do so, only Heaven decides what will work.

- Angels like Metatron are only advised for those who have led lives that are pure.  If you are not presenting well to God, you might be scolded by Metatron, so do all necessary work with God before trying to work with an angel like this.  Not all are meant to work with seraphim, Metatron is accused of being dark, but in reality, he is tough.  I work with him because I needed him, he works well with me because I did the necessary work.  Invoking Metatron through Jesus is one way you might know him in a way that is grounded and healthy.  People who work with the devil should stay away from Archangel Metatron.

- The Virgin Mary is an excellent doorway to the natural world, and can help you attune to the Earth Mother.  If you had a rough awakening, She can help to ground it.  She wants to see you at your finest, work with Her often to polish your heart, and refine all qualities.  Both Jesus and Mary might present you with doorways to other, non-Christian sources that might work well for you, if and when you're ready and right for it.  For example, Sekhmet came into my life after much groundwork with Jesus and Mary.  Sekhmet is now the main deity behind most of my magick that is effective on worldly things, other than the times I turn to Christian (or other non-Christian) sources.

- Not everyone is meant to be a magician, witch, or whatever you want to call it.  If you open doors that you have not earned and they seem bizarre, you might be under the effects of evil forces, so it's wise to be grounded.  I recommend you approach magick with the will of the Heavens, and do the necessary mystical groundwork before you play with any magick.  Magick should only be done if you deserve it - if Jesus allows it, go right ahead.  Don't be afraid to bend the rules of conventional Christianity a little bit, in the name of Christ.

- Seek the saints that seem the strongest with you, despite what their patronage is.  One of my strongest is St. Anthony, even for things like healing.  One might think St. Raphael would be superior for healing, but for whatever reason, St. Anthony is stronger with me for most things.  When you find a saint that is strong with you, keep turning to them, like an old friend.  It just makes your connection stronger.

- Do make offerings often, because it builds a relationship with the Heavens.  Offerings demonstrate a devotional piece that humbles you to the Heavens, helping to build that connection.  I tend to use tobacco, holy water, candles, and incense, preferring things that will burn up or evaporate.  In the park, I offer tobacco to the earth, because local wildlife can use it for things like nests.  Try not to make offerings to the earth that would be considered littering, it's just not appropriate.

- Consider the Psalms an excellent source of incants for magick.  I have an Anna Riva book called "Powers of the Psalms", which has an index in the back, to know what Psalms are good for your specific intentions.  That book has advice for spells, but mostly I use them as prayers with my offerings.  I also find Catholic litanies to be great for invoking a specific saint or angel for a desired outcome.  Friends and I often get together and recite litanies and Psalms in folk magick rituals, we often feel spiritual highs while reciting them.

- On that note, you may get the sense a spell is working if you feel a rush or tingle up your spine during or after your practice.  It may be an indicator Heaven is showing you to tell you that something is answered.  Practice often, and your power will strengthen.

- When starting off, if in doubt about what you are doing, surrender everything to Jesus, to test your practice.  It's good to do this as a safety measure every so often, just to make sure you're grounded.  Remember to live a virtuous life that would please Him, don't exploit others or behave in any way that would upset heavenly forces you are working with.  Depending on who you invoked to work with, bad behaviour could be dangerous.

I think that's it for now again, I'm sure there's more to come.  I spent several years trying to just be Christian, but it seemed I was called, in the end, to take on more.  Spirituality can be scary sometimes, remember to treat it like an adventure, and never give up.

-Saraƒin

Yoga...

I'm pretty sure that the heart centring that recently happened when I was in the park was a breakthrough in development, where the Mother met with the Father in my heart.  Downloads became a bit cleaner, my mind feels calmer overall, and there's just so much more hope to what I feel about life.  Though I don't follow any particular tradition, apart from collecting wisdom from various sources while praying mostly to Christ, this is a form of yoga.

My body is not much to look at, because I only do light exercise, but I am a body builder of the soul.  From dawn until dusk, even during downtime at work, I'm at it, contemplating, praying, using divination tools to engage and sort out the mind... I am determined to reach that inner peace we all long for.  I have become obsessively rigorous about my spiritual dedication since my father's passing in 2017, because I had reason to believe there was cleaning up to do with the entity, and so the soul became my priority.  This has not only gotten me somewhere with my mind and how I feel about life, it has taught me to be better with money - esotericism doesn't have to cost that much, and so I am at the point where although I make peanuts between part-time work and ODSP, I can still put $200 away every month into my TFSA, and avoid debt entirely.  I have gotten more into investing.  Someday I will take a trip again, now that I have saved money.  As mentioned before, one way of making money is to not spend it at all.

Recently, I found out that the kundalini yoga group I was taking classes under is pretty problematic, at least Yogi Bhajan was.  Allegations of rape and abuse from female members, yikes - I had no idea it was culty like that.  I was just taking classes, trying to sort out my awakening.  Though good exercise, I found kundalini yoga to be uneventful for the soul, not much changed - it was a personal path of prayer and devotion that led to any real change in me.  Maybe kundalini yoga helps many, but for me, it was just a workout, and Breath of Fire made me feel dizzy.  Anyway, I was very sad to hear about how that particular group was led by a negative character, because I met lovely people who were running the Toronto chapter.

I have a bit of a pet peeve with doctors about recommending yoga classes for mental health, if they don't know what kundalini is.  Western yoga is basically a form of cultural appropriation, so when a kundalini awakening happens, no one seems to know what to do with it, because the experience can severely uproot a person's life, forcing them to simplify everything to ground the mind, and get their lifestyle in order.  Without that cultural understanding of the process, I can't help but feel it's irresponsible for most doctors to weigh in about it, unless they know what they're talking about.  While most practising western yoga will likely just get a good workout, it's the ones who enter into the process that are up shit creek without a paddle, when no one knows what to do.  I feel the mental health care system has a responsibility to be more informed about this, to know how to support it, but unfortunately, this part of the world is not there yet.  In my case, I had to find my inner warrior archetype to solve my own problems, and stand up to medical nonsense.

A lot has changed since I started this blog - I have glanced back at old articles, where I was much less grounded, my tone angrier.  I don't read everything, but I know I might have still been infected by something awful.  That time is over, my anger lifted, some sorrow remained, but now seems to be fading as well.  It's clear that I am healing, and this became about recording that process.  I don't know about the future of this writing, but for now I will keep describing my breakthroughs and art projects.

-Saraƒin

More on the Orishas...

Since my heart centring experience the other day, I have had more insights about the Orishas.  While it seems that Yemaya is my primary Orisha, one who was calling to me through dance, downloads, and visions of water, there are a handful of others I have probably worked with as well.  I remember a vision of Ogun and a download warning me that there was still spiritual residue to clean up to avoid the loss of my soul, I smoked a cigar to Shango, and later found that wearing Shango's eleke helped to lift me out of something negative while on the train to my mother's on December 24th, 2024.  Just last week, I channeled Eleggua.  I am currently focusing my prayers mostly on the Orishas of the 7 African Powers, and am collecting oils and items that can add to my Orisha shrine.  Two more elekes are on their way in the mail - Oya and Olokun.  I feel called to the Orishas by my guides, while other sources I experimented with have been a dead end.  I still feel a great rush of protection when I drape the elekes around my neck.

Now that I am reading books again, it's time to do more research - I have mostly been using apps and the web to study the Orishas, but what I really need is a nice reference book on them.  I don't feel like I have come across the right book just yet in stores, perhaps I will order one from online.

Sleep is much better - except for two nights ago, when I had to take an Ativan, I have been getting rest without sleep aids.  I think this has to do with quitting alcohol.  I don't mind drinking non-alcoholic beer at the bar, I love the taste of a crisp, refreshing beer, and I had to really pound back many to get tipsy at all, so a couple of the non-alcoholic variety feels no different from what I normally used to drink.  I might have a bit of wine at the monastery in August, but this new pattern continues.  Clearly, I didn't have a drinking problem, if it's been this easy to put it down.  Phew!

-Saraƒin

The heart...

I got out of my sadness yesterday with another trip to the local park.  Sitting under a tree with my portable speaker, tarot cards, and spirit notes, I contemplated what my soul needed for the day.  As I was engaging in some spirit writing, my hand printed "you need to take Mother Earth into your heart", which is not something I had thought to ask for before.  I knew that the goal of kundalini is that Shakti reside in the heart after Her ascension  up the spine, but the kundalini felt stuck at a certain higher level, where things grew fascinating, but not satisfying.

I took a pinch of tobacco from the baggy that I carry with me, and offered it to the soil, asking that the Earth Mother "reside in my heart, through the kundalini or otherwise".  A download suggested that something powerful was happening, and my sorrows began to lift.

Today, I still feel much better - it feels like my channeling is a bit cleaner, and something in the mind might be relaxing.  I have to see this stage of growth through, but I might have solved something.

I have been very good about abstaining from alcohol consumption - I have had the occasional alcohol-free beer, but that's it.  My body is already starting to feel better, I plan on sticking to this.  Maybe I'll enjoy a drink now and then, but this is the new normal.

-Saraƒin

Fatigue...

Though psychologically I am feeling much better, the physical symptoms of PTSD remain strong.  Whatever that entity did to my brain, it means weariness and muscle aches, especially when I lie down to rest, or wake up in the morning.  I feel like an old woman in a middle aged woman's body.

Something happened to the structure of my psyche when the entity entered me - now it seems my ego is something else, not quite as it was, it shaped to be in constant channel, unable to turn away from self study.  The darkness is lifted, but doubt is my enemy.  There is no way I could be a student, or take on meaningful work under these conditions - I am disabled with a mystery illness, one not found in the DSM V, it would require a brilliant specialist to figure out what I have and what I need, and doctors don't tend to validate the presence of spirits, or understand what they can do to a mind.  I am at the mercy of circumstance where there is no care, because they keep getting me wrong, so I choose not to ask for help at all.  It's daunting, but it's my reality, I must rely only on myself, and any act of kindness others might show me.  In my experience, the squeaky wheel does not get the oil, it gets smacked around.  I don't believe in asking for assistance, I insist on presenting as though all is well, it earns me greater respect from the community.  If help comes my way and it makes sense, I accept it, but I tend not to ask for anything, unless it's a small favour.

I just had another art show - no sales again means I am fretting how I must look to the art world, I feel like a rather average illustrator, there are so many brilliant technicians that surround my silly creations.  I am lost in a sea of work that I can't compete with, having never completed my art education, because money was too tight, and my mind too frail.  I wonder - when they cremate me, will they throw out all of my paintings?

I am trying not to be too negative, but today is just off to a bit of a rough start.  I haven't felt terribly inspired creatively in a while, and am wondering if I have any talent at all.  

I think I need a break from art and art shows until my muse comes back, if she matters.

-Saraƒin

More musings from my experiments with magick...

I became a bit self-conscious about articles like these, wondering if I was nattering on about things I would later regret.  Some were taken down, because of my tendency to shy away from self promotion, and my dislike of putting myself out there, for fear of ridicule.  But now, I am feeling a bit bolder, and want to continue discussing magickal things.  Here are some other ideas I have, after years of experimenting with spirituality:

- Be present as the mystic before you take on the role of the magician.  In my case, I had to establish a foundation with Lord Jesus Christ as my personal saviour and guide, and with that, I began to nail what I needed to be as a person, and as a Christian, and then, it seemed I was allowed to open certain occult doors.  A lioness began to appear, both as a vision and as an astral skin, and I came to understand Her as Sekhmet, learning She was my patron deity for magick.  The message seems to be, if you are allowed an occult door, you should follow through with it, but do not force anything.  It is not real power if you have not earned it.

- Watch for signs that demonstrate your current relationship to the heavens, based on your interactions with others.  When things are calm and stable, that's a very good sign.  When things get difficult, relax, and trust that heaven can help you.  Even if the situation feels impossible, heaven may still come to your aid to at least comfort you, if you keep cultivating that relationship with it.  Being a mystic means being friends with God, so keep establishing that friendship.

- Don't be afraid to be obsessive about your spirituality - the more you put into it, the more you get out of it.  It's like practising anything, really - magick takes great dedication to get anywhere as a magician, so keep doing rituals, keep calling in Spirit, and meditate often.  Pray constantly.  Make shrines that represent your soul.  Make it a lifestyle, and don't let a single day pass where you don't engage in it somehow, if possible.

I think that's it for this list - I'm drawing a blank on what else to say.  I feel I have recently reached a slightly more interesting level, and my subconscious is relaxing more.  One thing I discovered is that my shadows were still playing with me, confusing me about my spiritual health.  It came over me to pray that the shadows are to serve me, not fight me, so I am waiting to see the results of that.  I suppose they got really strange because of the effects of possession - I am now free of that horror, but the subconscious still needs to relax.

2025 has been my best year for healing, so far.

-Saraƒin

Things I have learned from experimenting with magick...

Well, I might be repeating myself with this post, I talked a bit about some spiritual musings many years ago, but things have changed again, so I want to make a list of lessons I feel I have learned from refining my magickal practice, something that was born out of a Christian foundation I took on to solve a rough spiritual awakening, modified with eclectic practices and ideas:

- Don't rely too heavily on superstition.  I don't buy that you need to obtain specific tools, such as certain coloured candles, or magickal sigils, to create your desired spiritual result.  Any candle will do - what you need is will, power, talent, permission, and the presence of Spirit - the candle simply represents your intention.  I have used tea lights, even, for some fascinating results.  While I do like those big fancy occult prayer candles as much as anyone else, the glass creates too much environmental waste, so I tend to just go to Dollarama for my candle supplies.  A white candle is just as effective as any other candle colour for any intention - wax colour or shape doesn't matter.  But it is fun - I'm just recommending that you save your money, and the environment.

- Talismans only work when they have to - this goes for crystal magick as well.  A Benedict medal crucifix was active as a talisman for me as long as I had a dark spirit affecting my life, but later... it was just ornamentation.  Holy water, too, only had power when it was needed to fight evil.  If you are taking on a talisman for something indulgent, it is unlikely to be effective, because the Spirit doesn't care about what you want, if the Spirit doesn't want it for you.

- Dark spirit will play with you, convincing you that certain practices and experiences are more relevant than they actually are.  I was played with heavily under the influence of the dark presence, and I wasn't even looking to work with it.  No matter what you think the devil is doing for you, he is a liar, and he will convince your soul of things that are not true.  The ride might be interesting, but it's not worth it.  Holy power tends to be simpler, and does not lie to you.

- Rituals don't have to be terribly complicated to work - try to build the foundation of your practice with the heavens, and you'd be surprised at how effective simple practices can be, when the Spirit agrees.  Do not worry about taking on too many magickal items, or doing things a specific way - while certain plants, for example, can have special properties, and there are definitely principles to working with magick, it's not necessary to collect items that might be superfluous.

- If you work with holy sources, you might still be able to create curses, but if you surrender your magickal will to God, it would only be when He agrees.  Perhaps the dark arts person throws more of this kind of thing around, but the person who has surrendered to God might create the more effective curse, and can only affect those who truly deserve it.  It's also just better for karma if you only work under God's permission.

I'll come up with more later, as I think of them - for now, I must prepare for a summer afternoon graveyard picnic with friends!

-Saraƒin

Alcohol and health...

I've decided to try quitting alcohol, or at least to have a dry period, with the intention to only have a drink now and again if and when I do drink, but not like I used to.  I'm challenging myself to avoid even beer, get mocktails when I go out to the bar or clubbing, and find other ways to call in the spirit.  (I still think it did something for me as a practice when I blessed drinks, but enough is enough - I have also put on a bit of weight, have had trouble sleeping, and anxiety is still creeping in, here and there.) I want to save more money, and booze can blow through your funds pretty fast.  This challenge started 6 days ago, and so far, so good - not even one beer, not even one craving.

I have been thinking a lot about aging, now that I'm probably perimenopausal.  I am not so much afraid of crossing over and greeting death, as I am afraid of aging and society's response to being an aging woman, especially being a disabled one in a low income situation.  I fear how medical types will treat me, I fear an aging body and what it will face medically with my levels of PTSD.  I developed a mental hospital phobia because of enough medical mishandling, I now feel I can't trust any psychiatrist to do a good job, and there have been enough nasty nurses and toxic male orderlies to put me off entirely.  Cancer is a big one I fear, three members of my immediate family have had it, and my Dad died of it.  Even small things weird me out - I feel embarrassed by ambulances, like riding in one means I am disappointing everyone, and I don't deserve the attention.  There's something odd about everything I have endured, I don't feel like enough people were there for me in certain situations, and this has taken its toll on the way I feel about medical scenarios.  It haunts me to think about an aging body and what it must face.  I am trying to get back into exercise to shed these extra pounds, and feel better overall.

I long for a stronger male presence in my life - I have male friends, but I don't have enough guys that I can really rely on, no father figures, other than my step father, it's the women who are really strong in my life.  Because of strange encounters with males coming onto me aggressively in the past, I don't trust men as much as I trust women, I long for male attention that is platonic and fatherly.  I'm not sure what this has done to my feelings as a woman, other than my animus must have stepped up in me to be a masculine I needed when men around me were not enough.

I am gradually feeling better overall, but again, this is a long recovery, and I must do it all on my own.  I would need a specialist, but they don't exist.

-Saraƒin

Upcoming art show: "Into The Woods"...

This is my next art show at Super Wonder Gallery - I have three pieces going in - "Cherub", "St Hubert of Liege", and this one:

"The 3 Worlds"

I decided to rename this piece "The 3 Worlds", because it's suggesting the Upper World, the Middle World, and the Underworld.

I might have done a new piece, but I have not been in the greatest of moods for painting as of late.  The theme of this show is fairy tales and folklore, right up my alley - I had to submit for this one!

Once again, these are the other two going in:

"Cherub"

"St. Hubert of Liege"

I'm really looking forward to it!  At least one other friend is involved as well.  Art drop-off day is this Sunday.

-Saraƒin

Reading...

I have to confess, I haven't read a book from start to finish since the death of my father in 2017.  For whatever reason, it's just been a struggle.  This makes me sad, because I used to be quite the bookworm (maybe not like some, but enough that I collected a lot of books, and I certainly had a phase where I read about nothing but mysticism).  It's not that I have lost the ability to read, it's that my mind feels too distracted by contemplating God to consume a book much more than a chapter here or there.

Wanting my love of reading back, I had prayed to get back into it.  Recently, I picked my copy of "The Book of My Life" by St. Teresa of Avila off the shelf, a book that I had started, but never finished.  After reading a few chapters, I found this one an easy, enjoyable read, and was relieved that I could concentrate again.  I love this woman's tone so much - she may be a bit deprecating to womankind in "The Interior Castle" but there is reason for this, argue historians, and it was likely to protect her work, and her life, from inquisitors.

I recently finished a chapter on levitation - I didn't realize the experience hurts the body and soul.  Thinking back to my one experience with a levitating rosary, I remember it did really hurt, like an electric current through the arm, forcing the crucifix portion of the object to float on its own as it dangled from my hand.  In fact, the experience hurt so much, and stunned me with such awe, that I dropped the object in shock.  I wonder how many mystics have experienced holy pain like this, but mysticism isn't always easy, some very painful feelings and psychological states can come over a person as they open to God.  (One of my friends, also a mystic, has had their own share of strangeness.)

I hope that this good sign of being able to concentrate again means reading will continue - I don't watch much TV, I don't have Netflix or anything, video games have mostly lost their appeal, but I really should get back into books.

-Saraƒin

Contemplating the Tree of Life...

The Tree of Life from Kabbalah featured heavily in many of my visions.  Just the other day, I decided to contemplate it again, and began praying while considering the sephiroth for healing.  Since then, things have felt a little jollier in my mind, like levels of pain from trauma weren't as nasty.  I'm not sure what it all means, only that with everything that I'm doing as of late, there have been some lovely changes.

I think my root chakra is healthy again - the tension released at the base of the soul, sleep is better.  I still feel a wee bit in a daze, one way of describing this feeling is that life seems slightly ethereal, but it's not unpleasant.  I head to the park a lot, enjoying the sunshine as the birdlife flutter about like little angels.  It's become an almost daily ritual to take my mat there and study my tarot cards under a tree - if the weather is really nice, it feels like a waste if I don't go for at least an hour.

I don't remember if I mentioned this yet or not (I have a tendency to repeat myself on here, not having the finest memory because of all that my mind has been subjected to) - a close friend and I are going back to the Catholic monastery in Niagara Falls in August.  She has never been (I went once with another dear friend), we are both looking forward to it.  Not having much opportunity for travel, the monastery is a lovely retreat in its own way.

I had a prediction that July would be a great month for spiritual and mental health progress, I hope it proves to be true.

-Saraƒin

Orisha update...

 I had been wearing various elekes on and off, ever since I began to feel a rush of strength in doing so.  Recently, I concluded that the Orisha that really feels strong with me is Yemaya.  Others, I am not so sure, but I will offer prayers here and there.  I did make a little Yemaya corner with a statuette and an offering bowl - I have taken to offering Her holy water and incense.

There was an image of water that kept appearing when I studied the crystal ball, and it just hit me that it was a nod to Yemaya.  This is the Orisha that I felt compel me to dance one time, while I was praying, so it feels like She was calling me to pay attention.

The art show had great stuff - no sales for me, but my stuff was pretty niche for the theme of that show.  I might take a little break from making art until a painting really calls me to create it.  If there's an art show that I can use old paintings in, I might partake in that - I have to watch how many pieces I create, not having a lot of space to store them.  There's an extraterrestrials one coming up, but I'm just not that into aliens or sci fi.

I'm on a roll with my recent development with Jehovah - things are starting to feel less sad in me, and contemplation sessions in a local park, now that the warmer weather is here, are easing the tension of trauma.  Shadows are no longer vicious, as though I'm still being attacked, they're just quirky.

I hope to make the best of the warm weather while it is here.

-Saraƒin

Jehovah...

It seems like something just opened up with Jehovah, just the other day.  I had been praying to Him for years, but I guess there was a breakthrough after I got in contemplation that I should concentrate my prayers on allowing Jesus to present my soul to Jehovah. 

There was a reaction, and things began to relax a bit more in the mind within hours.  Channeling got a bit more interesting, and the heart's passion increased.  So I kept praying for things, and, days later, shadows don't feel quite as dark.  (The evening is still my least favourite time of day, when having to bed down, but I'm now a bit more confident that this stage is just that - temporary.)

I am wondering what St. Teresa of Avila would say about this - am I entering the 7th mansion of the soul?  I had not felt much from praying to Jehovah before, but now it actually feels like wheels are turning.  The weight of the abuses feels almost like something shedding now, like snakeskin.  It's lovely that the weather suddenly (finally!) got really nice in Toronto, because now I can go to the local park and contemplate under a tree, enjoying the wildlife as I watch this breakthrough unfold.

Jehovah seems to be amplifying everything that's already been established in my spiritual foundation, even with other gods involved.  Perhaps now it will be easier to make sense of what's spiritually significant and what's not.

-Saraƒin

"Ceci N'est Pas Un Jouet" - a cautionary talking spirit board...

 Though the lettering came out awkward and this looks painfully handmade, it's growing on me, considering how treacherous these things can be, which is the message of the piece.  I am just waiting for the first coat of varnish to dry, I will be coating both sides of the board twice.

Acrylics, paint pens, and gold leaf on plywood, 16 x 12".  Might price it very low, not sure at what yet.  (If I can think of another handmade witch toy for the toy show, I might make it, but the spirit board and the spell poppet might be it.)

I am going to bless the board to try and link it to angels, if such a thing is possible.  Planchette not included.

-Saraƒin

UPDATE: I adjusted part of it to be a bit more even, as shown here.  I will likely add one more coat of varnish, and then call it a day.

Changed my mind again...

Thumbnail concept sketch

 I decided to completely abandon using any "My Little Pony" reference for my next painting (for the toy show).  One reason was that I don't want to offend any Hindus who might not get the statement with the Kalki imagery, it would upset me if that happened.  Another is that I wanted to pair "Hex Kit" with a second piece that would work better with it... in this case, the theme of spooky spiritual toys.

A friend posted a scary outcome story about ouija board usage on Facebook, and the idea of painting a board like that popped into my mind.  The title would be an homage to the Rene Magritte surrealism painting, "The Treachery of Images" - my piece titled: "Ceci N'est Pas Un Jouet".  It's a cautionary item about the dangers of being flippant with talking spirit boards.  I, of course, had the worst case scenario as a soul for over 12 years because of my own experiments with them.  Now, in the clear (yet still recovering from the trauma of it), I don't fear dark spirits, but I certainly don't recommend these things to anyone.

I don't think I am going to include a planchette - without one, it would be a statement about discouraging the use of this piece as an actual talking spirit board, if anyone were to buy it.  Of course, the buyer can do whatever they want once they buy it, but I think I will just include the board.

Here is the flyer for the next art show:

Should be tons of fun!

-Saraƒin