The night, sleep, dreams...

Mostly, I have turned a major corner in my recovery, but I still wrestle with sleep issues.  Bedding down is the problem - most nights, I have to take something to help me nod off, because I can't still my psyche.  I am not sure if this is trauma related, or kundalini related, or perhaps a combination of both.  I often have to switch where I sleep, from my bed to my couch, to try and catch some winks, it's extremely frustrating.  Sometimes, I can get to bed, but then I wake up in the middle of the night, and can't get back to sleep.  As a result of all of this, I dread it when the sun goes down, knowing that the darkness is a time of struggle for me.  (I suspect the shadows of the mind are still a bit strange because of my fight with the dark spirit, so they may come out to haunt me in the subconscious when it's time to get to bed.  I don't know how to fight them except to keep experimenting with alternative medicine, conventional medicine does nothing.)

I keep having dreams with themes of the devil in them, but the themes are always funny - in one, I dreamt that my karaoke host friend was the devil, in another, that another friend had a pet mini goat - all black, and I broke into song with "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John, changing the lyrics so that it was "Tiny Devil".  Then, just last night, a cheesy satanic soap opera.  None of these were unfunny, so I guess I just have themes of dark spirit on my mind, but my soul is free, and laughing about it.

Sigh - I do wish I had a therapist again sometimes, but I feel like I need a specialist, and I couldn't get into online therapy when my Jungian stopped in-person therapy in Toronto.  Opening up about possession is usually a bad idea, because doctors and therapists want to treat it like a delusion.  This is a lonely position to be in, but not as lonely as possession itself.  I worry a lot about aging, that I'm not quite nailing good health yet, and about not fully recovering from the trauma I have known before I am an elder.  I feel so tired all the time, there's no way I could ever work full time, I would snap.  It forces me to watch every dime, I even quit regular trips to the thrift store, so I could put more money away by the end of the month.  

I'm still longing to go on a trip, maybe I should treat myself.

-Saraƒin

"The Devil"...

 Finished!

Based on the Rider deck "The Devil" tarot card, I like how the devil himself turned out in this one.  Once again, this piece is for "True Crime", my next show at Super Wonder Gallery - it's suggestive of human trafficking, and perhaps the "crime" of selling one's soul, in whatever way one might do so.

14 x 18", acrylic and paint pens on canvas - I think I will price this at $275.00.

I'm really looking forward to this next art show!

-Saraƒin

UPDATE: After analyzing how this piece turned out a bit more, I have some notes - the devil looks more impish here than he looks diabolical, perhaps suggesting what many people believe about the devil's true character.  Much of this is cartoonish and playful, perhaps one sells their soul for money and power (the gun could represent power, in this case) - but the result is bleak, the two people here are crying at what they have done, chained.  It wasn't intentional, but they are showing modesty covering themselves, that might be because I'm asexual and find genitals boring and gross.  So this is about the criminal world of human trafficking, but also about the initial allure of making any kind of deal with the devil.  (He might even not look that scary here because I have conquered my own fight with dark spirit, and so it shows in my art.)

Dang...

 Well, it doesn't look like "St. Hubert" got accepted into that Northern Contemporary art show - ah well, it might have been too "found art" looking for a show that was more about modified thrift finds.  It's not like I wanted to sell it that much anyway, it looks quite good on my wall.

Here is a thumbnail pencil sketch for my "The Devil" tarot card piece, which I hope to get started on shortly.  The curator mentioned he only wants medium and large sized pieces for this next show - "Heartbreak Chair" is on the small side, so he needs me to put a frame around it.  Not a big deal.

I can't help but obsess about death a lot lately, like a toxic Memento Mori kind of thing - not like I'm planning on dying anytime soon, but it's just a subject matter that creeps into my mind a lot.  Not feeling 100%, I often feel like I'm dying because of what I'm experiencing energetically, something that's a mystery illness, where no blood test has proven the existence of any disorder.  It's probably just crippling PTSD, or kundalini related - but I do feel powerless, not having adequate medical help for these energy concerns.  (I also obsess about losing others, and other forms of death, including the loss of things like the Marian Shrine of Gratitude, which I think they are still fighting for - there might be some good news, I'm not sure yet.)  As mentioned before, I also consider my aura's health, it's probably still recovering.

I really hope this heaviness can lift sooner or later - it's exhausting, and I am really looking forward to the spring bringing back the longer days.  I can handle the cold, but the darkness of winter makes me incredibly neurotic.

-Saraƒin