Thursday, 30 September 2021

Melancholic musings...

Perhaps I seem rather sad on here, as much as I have tried to spin gold from dark experiences.  There are a few things as of late that seem to be helping:

One, of course, must be the Cymbalta, even though my dosage is considered rather sub-therapeutic, though it's all my GP feels I need, based on the results.  The other is a recent feeling of release I have felt, probably due to a block in the aura coming undone, which I was able to undo using ceremonial tobacco and prayers to Coyote.  Since that day, I have felt consistently more relaxed in my mind, and evening anxiety is gone, which used to be terrible.

My aura feels soft and light, and when I bed down at night I feel surrounded by God's soft loving embrace.  Though I feel strained being alone, not knowing romance with a loving partner to hold me when things get difficult, not being able to rely on someone's bond with me to help me though life, God has this magical ability to take misery and draw beauty out of it, as though the sorrow is gentle and wise, like a stunning, morose piece of classical music that hits you just right.  I can't say sadness ever felt like this before, and that's probably why my dosage of Cymbalta can remain so low.

There are details I won't reveal on this blog about what I feel in relation to what I have been through, for fear of internet ridicule.  I don't expect people to understand possession, unless they are an authority on it, or have experienced it themselves.  Here and there, I have met others who have been affected by dark forces, but no one who has been oppressed as deeply by them as I, where I was possessed for over a decade, walking around in constant agony, fighting to save myself while pretending none of it was happening so that humanity would throw me a bone.  It's been exhausting, and I'm probably just mostly shellshocked at this point.

Today I wear orange in solidarity with Canada's indigenous peoples, and to acknowledge the horror of the genocide of children in residential schools.  I have been informed that the Catholics are now taking measures to address this a little more, which made me feel a bit better.  So much horror buried - I appreciate being in Canada for many reasons, but I find this shameful disgusting destruction of innocence really makes me question a lot of what my country is actually about.   As my mother said, it's almost like the Earth Mother is revealing her lost children, these mass graves being uncovered in these changing times.

I was impressed to see more Torontonians in orange than in red on Canada Day - perhaps that too is another sign of change.


Monday, 27 September 2021

Video: Religious ecstacy...


I have felt a variant of this, and the best way to describe what I felt was like a codeine induced high, but in the soul... I don't find this kind of ecstacy sexual in any way.  Loving, gentle, powerful, blissful - you may cry out like someone in orgasm, but it's not the same kind of high.  I have gotten it from working with Metatron and praying the rosary, among other things.  There's also a blissful feeling of love radiating in my chest since working enough with Jesus.

Off to church soon, as the video says - more on that later!


Sunday, 26 September 2021

Consuming holy water, and other things...

I was trying to decipher a few more spirit drawings that were mixed up with others that I thought I had figured out... one that kept coming through was waves, as if to suggest water.  Recently, I figured out the message was to consume holy water as a beverage, for healing.

I make my holy water differently than the church typically does, and it seems effective.  I call upon the Spirit while offering tobacco and request that the water be rendered holy, stating my intentions with its use - again, I swear by tobacco and its power.

Taking an old pitcher, I filled it with simple tap water, and did a ritual to render it holy, with help from Jesus.  I also kept spirit drawing the symbol on the back of the Miraculous Medal (the one that looks like an "M" interwoven with a cross), so I got the sense I needed to work with Mary.  Praying to Her, I poured myself a glass and began reciting prayers for healing, and to be free of anything affecting my aura to do with sin or bad karma, anything that might remain because of the battle with evil.

I can tell it's working when my abdomen muscles contract on their own, and I feel a glowing sensation from within.  I get the sense Mary is helping me a little bit, just adding to everything else I am doing.

Holy water is something I use in ritual, but I have also made holy water baths, and have consumed it before.  (I won't consume holy water from a church - I make my own, not trusting church holy water to necessarily be very clean.)

Though I will dispute what psychiatry decided my concerns were until the day I die, I accept I will probably need to live a certain way throughout life, because my mind is so different from other minds... it certainly isn't the same mind it once was.  Suspecting I have some interesting form of autism, I need a lot of downtime, some tasks are a bit more difficult than they probably should be, but I have a marvelous way of accessing higher wisdom, a power I am still refining, and will keep seeking the refinement of.  It is very hard to get bored with a psyche like mine, and I mean that in a blissful way.  The western world isn't designed for a mind like mine, so I might need supports, but this is not an illness, this is a way of being that requires certain things for a satisfying life.  (I don't see myself ever going back to school, I find study difficult to do for long and I find large classrooms daunting.  I do however see myself as an apprentice to someone, if that could ever happen.)

It feels like night and day from where I was, even since the beginning of 2021.  This has been a great year for healing.


Friday, 24 September 2021

Reflections on fighting "Satan" (or whatever the hell that hell was that possessed me)...

Though I am still not at 100% as to where I would ideally like to be these days, it feels so wonderful to have completed my time with the entity that for some reason called itself "Satan" (be it of that diabolical source, or something else).  I am in a place psychologically where, despite doctors not really "getting it" (because mental health services tend to be dire in my city for spiritual care) my friends, family, and peers accept my story, mostly - and the skeptics get it would be in poor taste to argue about it too much.  If they try, I would smugly suggest a trip to Haiti where they can act equally as skeptical and see how long it takes before being accused of cultural insensitivity.

Perhaps there is a karmic thing that I am dealing with, perhaps my chi is off - mostly I can read psychically quite well, but some days are strange and reading is a little wonky, suggesting there is an after effect in the "death" of this thing that is still upon me.  I feel rather dumb now for deleting previous articles on the battle I had with this thing, because it is a helluva story that is worth writing a novel about someday, so I will again compose a new article here to tell some of the tale to new sinners who follow this blog:

The battle began when I got strong signs to commit myself to God in 2006, after having weird dreams in my sleep about the end of the world.  Calling to both Mother Nature and to God, I felt driven to study religion and play around with a funny little altar I made.  A weird voice and tone began to approach me, and I fell to its manipulation.  Smoking moderate amounts of THC marijuana at the time, I began to see visions, falling under something's strange spell.  Having to relocate, I temporarily moved in with my mother while I figured out my housing situation.

One night, I was approached by a voice that called itself "The Devil" and, although I don't recall all the details, I was oddly not that scared, but perhaps a bit concerned, and, not religiously saavy because I came from a somewhat secular background, I did not immediately pray to Jesus.  There was a comical tone to everything - I even saw visions of St. Pope John Paul II, though I can't recall what he said to me in them.

After some silliness with voices and visions in trance states, it began to get really hostile, and it felt like others around me were getting hostile with me, too.  I was taken to a mental hospital, but told the doctors I was making my symptoms up to get out of there, and they believed me, so they let me go and I ran away, hitting the streets and the shelter system.

There was a wild dynamic that went back and forth for a while between a visionary cartoon devil who would appear in my mind's eye, and yet also the sense that the Spirit was a factor as well.  After a certain point, rooming with someone I knew, darkness got inside of me, and that's when the true pain began, as I felt it attack my mind, destroying any functionality I had left.

It took a few personal fuck ups but I had to learn to stay on antipsychotics to fight this thing... I also learned the only way to get rid of it was to, erm...  kill it.  Whatever it was, it wanted to screw with me badly, and, reflecting on weird ouija experiences from my teen years, and strange things that happened even as a child, it may have watched me from infancy.

After the death of my dear father in 2017, something moved me to commit to finer health.  By that point, the manipulative hand of mainstream psychiatry had convinced me this thing was just a delusion, so I simply lived in pain, plotting to one day find a gentle way to end my life before hurting anyone else, if it came to that.  But the fear of disappointing God kept me alive, eventually I figured out again that my demon was in some way real, and I knuckled down, going constantly to a nearby cathedral to pray the rosary.

I played around with holy water, smudge, prayer, among other things, to try getting the upper hand.  Eventually, perhaps randomly, I called to Metatron and I could feel seraphic power enter into my chest, blissful beauty from the Divine consuming the darkness in me (this was years after I had invoked Jesus and Mary as well).  I called to some other Divine sources to invoke more seraphic angels, and felt them attack too.  Then it was about after care, because of still having something feeling not quite right in me, but not nearly as malevolent, from that day in late October in 2018 when I got the sense it was finally coming to an end.

Since that time, I have come a long way in my development and recovery.  I had to learn to simplify, divorce from the allure of materialism, and live like a monk (although I joke about being a bad nun).  There are adjustments all the time, as I see progress with my overall feeling of well being, and I still feel there might be a plateau coming.  A premonition suggested October of this year could be a good month for me, but we shall see.  Timelines can be funny for me when I do readings.

Perhaps these days I should be taking notes to prepare for my eventual memoir of spirit possession.  In the meantime, I am just blogging and making videos to keep creative, not really feeling the call as a book author just yet.  God feels very close to me, and I delight in the love He surrounds me with.

I may write more on this again on this blog later, because of the unfortunate loss of the old articles when I got a bit paranoid one night, deleting them.  In the meantime, enjoy this awesome spooky Catholic imagery set to dark techno:

 Acid Vatican - "Glass Eater"


Thursday, 23 September 2021

Video: Proving that God exists...


I was dressed in casual sweet lolita today - ha!  Anyway, I flubbed the channel at one point in this recording, but it was otherwise an interesting channeled idea on how humanity, en masse, could possibly prove that God exists.

Speaking of proving things, I printed off my proofs of vaccination, shrank them down, and got them laminated as a double sided card for the new regulations.  Mighty strange times we live in!


Tuesday, 21 September 2021

Video: Goddess Sekhmet...


Here's one on Sekhmet, my patron deity when it comes to all things of magick.  If you've been following this blog, you will understand She began to come over me like an assumption of Her form, a sign I was to work with Her regularly.  Though I sometimes experiment with other pagan gods using prayers, Sekhmet is powerful in my life, and I know spells tend to work with Her, if She approves.



Monday, 20 September 2021

Video: What is reality?


So THIS came out kind of cool, despite flubbing it at the end with "Canada day's election" instead of "Canada's election day" - ha!  I sometimes slip up in conversation, accidentally rearranging words or letters.  Oops!

Hope you enjoy - one of my better videos, I feel!


Thursday, 16 September 2021

Video: Getting grounded...


I have a LOT of experience with the process of grounding - I did so mostly with Metatron and Jesus.  I am now very thankful to be able to balance the inner/spiritual journey with the world around me - when I couldn't relate well to either, it was a living nightmare.  If you feel ungrounded, reach out for help not just in the world around you, but to the spirit world, and stick with the sources that are known to be the most benevolent.

I think I will visit my tree friends in St. James park again soon - I am getting the sense there's something there waiting for me.


Tuesday, 14 September 2021

Video: Recognizing signs...


I had a brief discussion about signs we see around us with friends, after one friend saw a coyote on her path, while coming home.  So, how do you recognize a sign, and when is it irrelevant?  This can be hard to discern, and getting attuned to recognize signs can be a journey in and of itself.

I get "11:11" virtually every day, and have come to attribute it to the Spirit simply saying hello, rather than any pressing message.  Living in the city is overwhelming if you are someone who pays attention to signs, and you have to take extra care to recognize a sign when it is in front of you, so that you don't confuse things by overanalyzing too much.  That, I feel, is up to the seeker to perceive.

Again, this is not a science, it is a different arena.  One of the things I find boring about the ideas of skeptics is how they try to dismiss spirituality by comparing it to science, when it is a completely different area of life, often enough, in the human experience.  It's subjective and personal.  There is an overlap, but in other ways they are separate entities.


Monday, 13 September 2021

Video: How to approach life...


I believe this is my first Dixit cards reading since getting the new computer!  Sort of in line with my cultivating happiness video, this is just some pointers on what to consider when navigating life itself.  

I want to mention here that while I identify as a conscious channel who channels her own higher self (which is synched up with the Spirit), the information is relayed to me in a way that feels unconscious, in that I am not sure what will be said, only that I have control over it, and I am fully aware as it is being said.  It's almost like being a marionette to the Spirit, who animates my speech, if you want to know what it feels like.

Hanging with some friends later today for more Order of the Blood of the Lamb alcohol magick - hooray!


Wednesday, 8 September 2021

Video: The Akashic Records...


First of all - I am very sorry about the sirens at the beginning of this video.  While I have made claims of controlling the weather, and I certainly have the upper hand of controlling my thoughts, I cannot control the fire department!

Interesting insights from this, most of which I knew already.  This is my longest video to date - I hope you enjoy it!

BTW, a friend might become a Gnostic priest, so I am currently their deputy deacon.  I feel like I need to buy a cassock!


Sunday, 5 September 2021

Video: Sister Penance tackles chastity...


It's about time I slipped into that rubber habit again - the subject I chose for this was chastity, and how it relates to spirituality.  It's a shame I kept touching my nose in this video... oh well, I'm a nerdy nun!

I will be helping to host a Zoom event for the online 2021 Parliament of World Religions, with my rosary crew, and I am going to be wearing the latex nun habit.  (Our chaplain thinks it's a great idea!)  I will be sure to share the results of the event once it has happened.


Saturday, 4 September 2021

Video: Karma and magick...


Perhaps some are wondering why I would attempt to "correct" a douchebag the other day with a spell, even though he didn't exactly cause me harm.  Well, I got a message that it was worth it in this case, because of something I was getting that is truly dark about this person... perhaps I would create an effect where further complications in the lives of those around him could be thwarted, preventing more pain than absolutely necessary.  This video mentions, at one point, that a surrendered will to Christ means I basically have carte blanche to experiment.  (I also do a divination session with my gods to see how they feel about me sending something out, to see if it's worth it, if it would even work.)

I don't believe it's always safe to work this way, depending on what sources one works with when doing magick, but I feel safe with Jesus at the wheel.  Just my personal experience.  I felt I needed to do something with this guy in case he's a regular in my neighbourhood.  (I live in a tough area.)


Friday, 3 September 2021

Video: Considerations when approaching the Gods/Goddesses...


I think this one is my longest video yet, and yet is still under 10 minutes - so, short and sweet, in the end!

Some gods and goddesses require that you be of a lineage, or that your soul have a call... others, like Lord Jesus Christ, are willing to help anyone, and you don't need to go full Christian to work with Jesus.  I consider myself Christian-esque, or Christo-Pagan (with Dharmic ideas), but sometimes I channel that I don't have to put a label on it... it's very human to want to categorize things.

Thanks for the shout outs about the new issue of "Asylum Magazine" - it was cool to be published again recently!  For those unfamiliar, "Asylum" is a radical mental health magazine from the UK, and I submitted an article from this blog for consideration, and it was recently published.  I shall have to submit more in the future.  For those who knew me from "Asylum Squad", I am on a bit of an art hiatus, at least from comics, because I don't have any projects right now that are demanding to be made.  I do, however, have a soul that longs for refinement, and this blog is an exploratory writing project where I contemplate and muse about what I see, and recently, I started making these videos.  Hopefully it will lead me to interesting new projects!


Thursday, 2 September 2021

Video: "Relevance" versus superstition in spirituality...


This one is slightly awkward because of my gaze (for the first half!), but is still interesting.  I acknowledge that a lot of what I work with may have some degree of superstition attached, but it's designed to ignite the heart, the core of the self, which helps generate a reaction that leads to heightened awareness and healing.  Other things, like yoga and certain medicines, can be more scientific.  It seems to be a big mystery we may never truly solve, but the fact of the matter is that when practice works, people swear by it.

Tobacco is proving to be one of the best healing medicines I have turned to, but I had to learn to work with it properly.  No more recreational usage for me!  It's a shame there is such a stigma and misunderstanding attached to it because of the tobacco industry.