Back at the Marian Shrine...

After missing out on going last year, I spontaneously decided to return to the Marian Shrine of Gratitude today, where I said some prayers and made some tobacco offerings to the land.  I spent a good hour and a half lounging on the grass, channeling the Spirit, taking in the beautiful weather.  It was great to go back... slightly busier this time around (it usually has maybe 5 people there).  Something about the St. Michael statue called me to offer tobacco to that area, so that's where I concentrated my attention, mostly.  Coming back downtown, it really sinks in how living in this part of Toronto really stresses me out, because the land is so quiet and lovely in the shrine area, north of the city.

Next week, I leave town for two nights, to stay at the monastery, before my return to work the following week.  Periodically getting visions of St. Therese, I think it's time I revisit the shrine to say hello to her again, because I need a brief visit to feel refreshed.  As bizarre as this sounds, I think I have reached a plateau in my healing with alcohol magick (I swear by this) because my entire energy body feels relieved of something that felt really heavy and sore all the time (a hole in the aura), and as a result, my mind has been more relaxed lately.  I believe in faith healing, having achieved a level of it with my own practice, attributing it to building my power through various methods, trial and error.  Now that I have come to this plateau, it's time to cut back on the alcohol, having a pint now and again yes, but nothing like the Irish girl hijinks I have been up to lately.  It's weird how this stuff works, and you would know when it's working because you can feel the reactions in the soul.  There are a lot of blatant charlatans in faith healing of course, but I do know there's something to it.  (Pluto was the god who seemed to be the occult hand that helped fix it, Christ allowed me the power to work well with alcohol.)

I am glad... my goal was to heal myself while I was on leave, and I got somewhere with it.  (I certainly kept the makers of Fireball whisky in business!)

-Saraƒin

New painting: "Sekhmet"...

 I completed this today - just a Sekhmet cartoon illustration.  It turned out a bit cuter than I wanted, I haven't cartooned a lot in many years.  When I penciled it, I laughed, as it looked like she was perplexed at one of her kills.  I've decided to do art of things from many religions, pantheons, and ideas, especially those I have explored in study and contemplation.  I have previously painted Sekhmet in something more serious, which hangs over my shrine to Her, and I also made the Sekhmet mask for my Hallowe'en costume.  This was just to have a little fun.

I contemplated going into animation as a career back in my youth, I'm glad I didn't.  But sometimes I like playing with concept art kind of stuff, when I do illustration.

-Saraƒin

Video: How to live an interesting life...

 

I did another one of these today, as this subject popped into my mind yesterday as something to do a download about.  I think it's important to remember, in a world ruled by materialism, that even if you never amount to much in the ways of wealth or power, a well lived, interesting life is still very possible.  It's what I came to understand in my 20s when I sought enlightenment, and it's what drove me to seek finer things in myself.

BTW, I am experimenting with veils now, you may notice this here and there - I feel they're more elegant than just the bandana (as an alternative), and are both to contain the crown but also to make a statement as a person from a Christian background, because of the way I wear them.  I am having fun with these as well, collecting them.

-Saraƒin

Video: Transmuted religious items...

 

Once again, I reference that miracle rosary of mine, as an example of what I'm discussing in this video.  I haven't studied this much as a subject, but because it happened with my rosary, I wanted to do a download to see what came of it, there were interesting results.

I am definitely turning a mental health corner, despite what happened in March.  I chalk it up to my practice and better living with nutrition, as I took some time off to tackle the anemia and insomnia I was experiencing.  I plan on going back to the monastery soon, I feel like I need it (I am also going with friends in August).

Speaking of August, I keep getting downloads that it is a special month for me, and I hope to see a new plateau emerge in my life.  I now have very few days where I feel especially difficult, things just sometimes feel uncertain.  I suppose that's simply having lived a strange life, being 41, and not knowing where things are headed.

-Saraƒin

Again, a new painting: "Immaculate Heart of Mary"...

 Yikes, what a painful Immaculate Heart!

I wasn't even trying to go for the feelings in this, but this is what came out.  I guess it's keeping in theme with my Marys that cry blood, I imagine this is the pain of the Great Mother on display.  Acrylic and pen on canvas board.

Speaking of Mary, the weather is getting nicer so I may plan a trip to the Marian shrine again soon.  Friends certainly want to join me on a trek there in the summer.  I didn't go last year (I think?) so definitely this year I want to go back.

-Saraƒin

New piece: "Anima Sola"...

 Yet another piece!

The Anima Sola icon is one of the most erotic looking pieces of Catholic imagery that I can think of - often the woman is depicted like someone you'd expect to see in a rock video, it borders on Eric Stanton cartoon territory depending on who captures it.  When I got really into icons, I reacted funny to it when I was reminded of it, because I probably saw it used as band cover art sometime in youth and never gave it much thought.

Using monochromatic colours, I wanted to capture the feeling of being in purgatory, trying to get that with the expression on her face.  I hope I succeeded, I had to go back and rework a few things when colours weren't working with a red pen (I went back to the art store and got a purple one instead).

I have a Big Phoney piece that's rather silly that I want to do, but lately these icon pieces are calling me to crank them out.

-Saraƒin

Yet another new painting: "Mary Weeps, As the World Burns"...

 Here's one that's slightly experimental, another Marian piece.  I feel slightly inspired by Junko Mizuno's stuff, and I want to try experimenting with lighter tones... many of my paintings have had very heavy colours, lighter tones would be nice to paint with.  Perhaps this desire to lighten the tones comes from a place where my soul feels lighter, and it's demonstrating in my art?  We'll see where the paint takes me!

Again, acrylic on canvas board with pens.  Good to crank out another one!

-Saraƒin

New painting: "Wrath of the Mother"...

I wanted to do a piece with the Sacred Feminine in mind, with what I fear is inevitable in a world of excess, and what the Mother would feel about necessary darkness.  She cries blood because of the future, clutching a sword.  Acrylics and pen on canvas.

I bought more paint pens, they are a joy to use - much better on canvases than other pens I have tried.  Very good choice for getting the finer details nice and crisp.  They will probably be used a lot for future paintings.

I have been thinking a lot about AI art and how it's infuriating illustrators and graphic designers, and I wonder if a disdain for it will lead people to seek out art that looks obviously done by the human hand, as a response.  I recall what my comics instructor, Ty Templeton, said about how speech bubbles in comics that look a little "off" delight us because we see a human behind it, that digital ones are too slick sometimes and our eyes grow bored.  I assume that's going to happen with AI art too - not quite uncanny valley, but something else we don't like about robots and computers.  I want to see AI solve problems, not create new ones.  Anyway, I am not the most trained illustrator and I am starting to think that it might be to an advantage in the art world, if things get so slick that technical genius simply isn't admired quite the same way anymore.  Naive art, for the win.

I am hoping this creative streak lasts a while, because it's always fun when I get one of these.  I notice my mental health has been better since I began painting again.

Maybe I don't need any therapy except art therapy?

-Saraƒin

Completed painting: "Gothic Lolita Goddess"...

(I just named it that, not knowing what else to call it - lol)

This piece of pop surrealism was started well over a year and a half ago (I think), but I grew uninspired by it and put it down, only to pick it up again after completing the other painting I made yesterday.  It turned out much better than I thought it would, it looks almost like band art from some ethereal pop soundtrack or something.  I'm inspired by Mark Ryden kind of stuff, and want to dip more into that territory sometimes.  Some of the most incredible religious icons in several faiths look like pop surrealism gold, and because I love religious art and imagery, I really want to saturate my art with it.

I might do psychedelic saint art, return to my weird icons, but I also just love pure pop as well.  The overlap of pop and religion is a fun area to explore in art as well, and I may have touched on that a little bit with the ending of Asylum Squad, even if just as a creative overtone to emphasize my point as a satire.

I'm just waiting for my next inspiration to come, contemplating what the next piece might be, and also wondering where to store all my canvases!  I hope I can move more in sales if/when I get my groove back.

-Saraƒin

UPDATE: Pic snapped of the piece by my Quan Yin lamp - looks neat!

 

New painting: "The 7 Sacred Directions"...

I felt the itch to do a painting all of a sudden, so I got a few art supplies yesterday and made this.  Having contemplated things I felt on and off from praying to specific angels while invoking the 7 directions (Zenith, Nadir, and Centre included), I wanted to make a piece suggestive of the other three angels I call to, along with Raphael, Michael, Gabriel, and Uriel.  (Those angels are Metatron for Zenith, Sandalphon for Nadir, and Ariel for Centre.). So, I painted two seraphim and a lion headed angel to represent these directions.

I am not yet aware of the legitimacy of these attributes, but when I  played with them in prayer I felt reactions, so I kept doing it.  I hadn't tried it again for many months until just recently, I again felt power from it, so I am getting the sense I should keep calling to all 7 angels whenever I do any kind of ritual.  I suppose to some occultists I must sound completely naive, but keep in mind I was desperately thrown into spiritual emergency, my studies have mostly been involved with kundalini syndrome and ascension, and I am trying to devise a working magickal system that suits what came of me based on what I have cobbled together, as an experiment.  So, my studies are mostly internal, of the self and what it has learned, and I have found it hard to concentrate on studies beyond this for a very long time, still recovering from possession.  I produce more than I consume in writing.

Acrylic on canvas with pens.  It felt therapeutic doing this, I really need to paint more again, perhaps I should switch to painting on paper so I can store my art more easily, living in such small quarters.

-Saraƒin

UPDATE: Here is a touched up version - I may make further touch ups later...

 

8 months of wearing the bandana later...

Ok, kundalini yogis are right about this one, definitely - after 8 months of non-stop bandana wearing (to contain my crown area, which is my religious reason for it - other reasons include keeping hair out of my face, and perhaps even a modesty piece to some degree, if you ignore my hot pants), I have decided that major shifts have happened in my strength, which may have even helped me ground and bounce back sooner when life got difficult.  I have been doing modest but regular amounts of THC for a while now (heavier at first, I reduced later and now alternate with a CBD mix), which probably helped with ascension, but with this method it definitely makes my psyche feel stronger.  It's at least a discipline piece, as I prepare for my day, to tie it on, and concentrate, particularly on my contemplation, which I'm often in.  This made a big difference overtime, and I've noticed changes in my life.

One thing I will note is that it gives me religious confidence, as though I'm on the right track, and it does help with my state of mind, which has often felt confused and frustrated.  It's odd how when you wear a bandana all the time, it feels strange to not be covering your head.  As a result, I feel safer doing it.

One of the things I don't want to be seen as is pretentious, or overtly religious in a way that is of a group I don't belong to, but I need what I see in what they're using, depending on what works.  Kundalini yogis often wear white all the time, something I tried a bit here and there while doing it, but apart from not being the best at getting stains out of light clothing, I don't do that kind of yoga anymore, and I don't want to look like I do, and of course other kinds of head coverings, like head wraps for example, might look too appropriative.  So, the bandana will do, because it has affiliations that can be both religious and non-religious, so I am simply someone wearing a bandana to most people.  I also find it fun to accessorize with them, and have bought many colours for my many styles.

Sometimes I will wear something else on my head, like a toque in the winter, but I still want to cover my head, it just feels right.  I know the headdress is very important in religion for various reasons, and I'm seeing the benefits in my own practice with it.

I encourage people who are feeling ungrounded to try this technique, because it might even help a mind feel more grounded.  Perhaps groundedness is what I am feeling mostly, from its benefit.

-Saraƒin

Being my own therapist and guide...

As scary as this may sound to some (especially mental health professionals), I think I have arrived at a place where I am mostly going to have to rely on my own inner guide to solve my problems, and I wonder if that's what entering the 40s is about for me.  I say this not just because my set of problems are so richly bizarre that I doubt most would be specialized enough to offer counsel, but that perhaps if I am becoming an archetypal wounded healer type, there comes a point in the process of transformation where one simply has to take a leap of faith and do it on their own.

It's not to say I won't accept help, but I will only accept help that makes sense.  For that reason, it's important to me that only medical labels that make sense be applied to my file - so, if severe PTSD is now what CAMH considers my case (if the SCID was taken seriously), I will accept that, as that will at least validate some of my childhood and young adulthood traumas.  It's frustrating that my greatest trauma, possession, won't be validated as real.  I guess that's why I crave religious attention, because religion might be the authority that says "Yes Sarah, that happened to you, you are not ill to believe in it".  It's not that I would do religion well as a regular member, being an eclectic, but maybe I could have more religious friends.  I know some ministers and priests, and being in discussion with them, a little, has been validating.  It's just not something I am likely to have taken seriously on my medical file.  Sigh.

I have forced myself to get more into cooking, I might have mentioned that already - I am stunned at how much money I save just relying on groceries.  I figured, spoons or not (in the neurodivergent lingo sense, in this case), it's time I be better about duties like that, now that cleaning is another I am getting better with.  So, when I examine everything, I am definitely improving, I am more in control of my microcosm, there's just bad nights sometimes.

I have decided I will return to work in June, if all goes well, with one shift a week, to ease back in.  My employer has been excellent, and I am very happy there was no trouble in getting the time off I needed to bounce back.  The warm weather is coming and I look forward to picnics and parties.  I am probably going back to the Carmelite monastery at the end of May, and again with friends in August.  

I need to visit the Little Flower again for prayers.

-Saraƒin