Early NYE Resolution for 2024...

Now into the autumn, I have started my usual window shopping crawl for discount Hallowe'en decorations, where I scout all the Dollaramas and the Spirit Hallowe'en stores for any fun stuff for goth decorating.  2023 was a year about aesthetics for me, where I desired to concentrate more on my personal presentation, as well as the appearance of my apartment.  It turned out well - the place looks more interesting, I kept to brow shaping and makeup every day, and in other news, I became more into culinary, lost weight, solved my anemia, and was totally on top of all domestic duties.  My old (incorrect) diagnosis of Schizoaffective Disorder was argued down to Schizotypal Personality Disorder, which was argued against with a diagnosis of severe PTSD - I am not sure where my file stands, I am on a waiting list for a diagnosis of ASD.  It's a shame CAMH does not recognize the validity of my argument that there are biological changes in my brain because of transformative psychology, because that is also what is happening to me.

In 2023, I got more art done, and was featured in a gallery show, where I sold a painting - I became all the more social, and have yet another art show I'm submitting to for the month of October.  With that in mind, I want 2024 to be the year I concentrate on the re-release of the "Asylum Squad" plot (not "The Psychosis Diaries") as an omnibus, so I am really going to knuckle down with that and look into print-on-demand publishing.  I have been musing about doing this for years, and I never got that far into it, so this will be the goal I set up for myself.

BTW, here's a digital flyer for the art show I'm submitting "Medusa" to - again, at the Super Wonder Gallery:

This is the year where I felt like I could be active as an artist again, because I started to see how I needed art to thrive.  I am calling myself a "lifestyle artist" as well as a "lifestyle witch" - I want to also transition back into being a career artist again, but not a career witch.  

Something I contemplated recently, speaking of witches - I wondered how often psychiatrists have used Schizotypal Personality Disorder to discredit the witch, the way other things have been systemically discredited by forms of oppression?  It seems like a convenient thing to do, but I wonder what would happen to a medical chart if the witch proved their power?  (Depends on what part of the world we're talking about, I guess.)  Schizotypal Personality Disorder, the more I study it (which I barely have, quite honestly, but I have a little bit in recent times), sounds like something that might one day seem too dated to keep in the DSM, the way other things have looked oppressive if they were to remain in changing times.

There's a bit more shit happening with the Marian shrine, so I got the lioness out and did a spell with Sekhmet.  If it helps, I hope the Catholics appreciate it.

-Saraƒin

New painting: "Medusa"...

 This is the piece I am submitting, perhaps with one or two others, to the next art show at the Super Wonder Gallery, which is all about monsters.  I decided to tackle Medusa, and borrow from a friend's profile to capture her.  I had fun with this one once I got into it, and now all that's left are perhaps a few touch-ups, and to complete the sides, which are going to be a bleed in detail from the main painting itself.

I wrestled a lot with the background, was worried it looked funny, but then decided the cracking effect suggests turning to stone and crumbling, as one might if they were to gaze upon the face of a gorgon.  It looks a bit like 80s animation concept art, which works for me.  This is on an 18" x 18" canvas, acrylics and paint pen.

It's rather frustrating that I accidentally organized something for Thanksgiving weekend, not knowing when this show was being held (it's on the 6th and the 7th of Oct).  Now, I am going to try to do both, if all parties are fine with it.  It would be nice to be present when the show opens to talk to the public.

I might also sneak in that Sister Penance pin up where she's sitting on a handcuffed devil.  I have come to know the curator and submitting to this gallery often might inspire a return to art and creative self-promotion.

-Saraƒin

Omnibus update...

I think I am going to make it a goal that I re-release "Asylum Squad" as an omnibus (finally) in 2024... that is going to be my New Year's Resolution.  I have been a terrible content creator having not done so years ago, but it's been a real struggle sometimes with my health, my mind was elsewhere, and I have only just started creeping back into the art world.  I wonder if I will ever do comics again, apart from when I go to the local jam, but I just don't have any narratives I'm excited about.  I spend most of my time in contemplation these days, having been launched into some kind of inner journey over 17 years ago, now very much settled in a better mind, but one that still has frustrating days.  I wish I could be more productive... I am sure I have lost many fans because I haven't produced enough to keep my career moving forward.  It makes me really sad, but I really had a pain that was excruciating and I had to knuckle down to tackle it.  I went so hardcore, though, that it's hard to get back the good things I had going in other areas of life.  

(I didn't mention this before, but was approached about turning "Asylum Squad" into a "Rocky Horror Picture Show" or "Little Shop Of Horrors" type of stage musical - I said no, in the end, because I wasn't feeling it, and was really exhausted when it was proposed... I still think it would have been a neat idea for someday, though.)  I worry I am sabotaging my career, but I have signed several contracts that went nowhere, and now I am much more cautious if I don't get the sense it's a done deal.

I mostly just feel fatigued, when I don't feel well, but August was a turning point, and this fatigue is also coupled with feelings of relaxation, so it isn't so bad.  There's a sense of trying to sort myself out so that I can tackle most things on my own in life, not wanting to ask for help anymore unless it's a desperate situation, or absolutely necessary.  I just don't expect people to fully appreciate what I have suffered, so with that in mind, I can only accept help if it makes sense, and will avoid asking for anything if I don't have to.  I have decided psychiatric hospitals are basically toxic, and can do nothing more than to meddle with my prescriptions or fill my head with bad ideas... the last time I went in they jacked up my meds, made me feel sicker, and I had to ween them back down to what they were, when I was discharged.  I haven't seen my analyst in a while, not knowing what to talk to him about, so I am without therapy, but it seems appropriate that I sort myself out, on my own.  The inner journey has taken an interesting turn, where my built-in guide seems to give the most reasonable advice when I probe it, and I don't know how a therapist could do any better... they might even dissuade me from listening to it, although this guy was pretty good.  I simply don't know what to talk about with him anymore.

Sometimes I worry I am dying, that I have some awful disease in my body that is going to kill me - no real reason, but I can sense spirits much clearer now, so I have anxieties about crossing over, as though that's going to happen to me very soon.  The spirits comfort me, helping me to calm down when I panic... they are the bedside manner I needed that humanity couldn't necessarily provide, thank God for their presence. As mentioned before, I suspect several are angels, not unheard of for mystics, of course - a force comes to my aid to prevent me from harming myself, when I have panicked and felt self-destructive.  

It's comforting to know someone is there to help me throughout the day, even if much of the world around me doesn't believe in this stuff.

-Saraƒin

Marian Shrine of Gratitude update: Miracles do happen!

Holy shit - a victory for what has been a recent upset!  The Marian Shrine of Gratitude was unanimously declared a heritage site, and saved!  City council decided this today, thus saving the chance of losing the shrine forever.

My friend and I are so happy - we were pretty happy to get to go there one last time (not our last time anymore, I guess!) and do our St. Joseph property protection spell.  It seemed a total crime to take a place like this from the city, a city with few spiritual attractions compared to some, one that meant so much to so many people.

One thing I want to mention is that on the way home from our trip there, I saw the 10 of Cups minor arcana card from the Rider Waite deck pop into my head, and I was hoping it was a message that things would turn out ok for the shrine.  Deep down, although I was upset, I had hope, so maybe I wasn't just losing it.

I have concluded that August was a very healing month, and I suspect that in the months to come, my pains will be less and less.  Mostly, I am in a daze when I am alone in my thoughts, I need lots of naps and walks outside, picnics under trees with friends.  The soreness is gone, I'm just rather fatigued on and off.  Marijuana can do that a bit so I have cut back here and there, but what it has done for PTSD is miraculous.

I was afraid a while back that my heart (in the emotional sense) was going to give out, but something of a new plateau in myself was achieved recently, and now my heart settles more easily, even when difficulties happen.  I do feel that Mother Mary had a great hand in helping me ground my emotions, She is perhaps the finest source that I have worked with for getting my emotions in check.

It's a bit odd to be convinced of God's presence in my life, but not convinced of love's power over hate, after years of being bombarded by hate from something strange that happened to me from the spirit world, but I am beginning to trust that love in some form is in charge of my life.  I guess this is just how PTSD might play with me, despite being a transforming psyche.

-Saraƒin