It seems that I catch a stronger glimpse of my subconscious when I light a joint with THC in it, and it is a ravaged place. Because of all the work I have done on myself with Divinity, I can now journey with much less fear, but the subconscious, haunted by shadows from the possession and other traumas I have faced, is a place that needs to heal if I can ever hope to make it off my medication. I must have a mental disorder that doesn't even truthfully appear in the DSM 5 (not that I give a shit about that book) - Post Possession Stress Disorder or Post Possession Psychosis might describe it, but really, it's just great pain. It means exhaustion, a desire to live like a retiree, and a fear of taking on too much responsibility, in case life falls apart again, leading to a bigger mess than I can handle. As much as I have fallen out of love with money and capitalism, it would be nice to have some coin with which to work on this, but I am too weary to commit to harder work to get more money, because of the toll this has taken on me, mind body and spirit.
The THC has led to a calming of the overall experience, but during a session it can get slightly funky with channel, yet I am still in full control. I am not sure how to heal a ravaged subconscious but I must press on, and I know healing has happened already. It is becoming evident that when I get an assumption of my experience wrong, it is shadow work I need to concentrate on, and I have a bizarre form of it now, from what the entity did to me. Shiva seems to be what makes it possible for me to consume THC, because a kind of guidance comes through now that allows me to process everything. In a henotheistic path like mine, I feel all I can do is experiment with invocation and prayers for mercy to see where it leads. More work than not has demonstrated finer results.
The convent's guest house doors are once again open to the public, provided visitors wear masks and have been vaccinated. I might go on a retreat there soon, to escape to a beautiful place of quietude and contemplation. Today is the annual LGBTQ+ Pride parade, but I don't want to face the crowds, as much as I am both queer as an asexual, and in support of queer culture. I worry I have become a bit of a lone wolf, but I just don't know how else to live my life these days. I wish I had a partner to hold me, but I have a subconscious distrust of males now because of what happened repeatedly with the opposite sex... men who approach me are always so aggressive. I have declared myself celibate, being Ace I kind of already was, but I don't even fool around and find out anymore. I don't get any joy out of it, just a feeling of having been used.
I still haven't done a new video in a while, not sure when I'll be on that. THC does make the channel weird and I kind of need a few days in between to get it right, and I just haven't come up with anything for them that resonates. Art is slow to come out of me... I long for finer days where again I feel alive and youthful.
40 with no money, no love, and no ambition is tough.