Subconscious...

It seems that I catch a stronger glimpse of my subconscious when I light a joint with THC in it, and it is a ravaged place.  Because of all the work I have done on myself with Divinity, I can now journey with much less fear, but the subconscious, haunted by shadows from the possession and other traumas I have faced, is a place that needs to heal if I can ever hope to make it off my medication.  I must have a mental disorder that doesn't even truthfully appear in the DSM 5 (not that I give a shit about that book) - Post Possession Stress Disorder or Post Possession Psychosis might describe it, but really, it's just great pain.  It means exhaustion, a desire to live like a retiree, and a fear of taking on too much responsibility, in case life falls apart again, leading to a bigger mess than I can handle.  As much as I have fallen out of love with money and capitalism, it would be nice to have some coin with which to work on this, but I am too weary to commit to harder work to get more money, because of the toll this has taken on me, mind body and spirit.

The THC has led to a calming of the overall experience, but during a session it can get slightly funky with channel, yet I am still in full control.  I am not sure how to heal a ravaged subconscious but I must press on, and I know healing has happened already.  It is becoming evident that when I get an assumption of my experience wrong, it is shadow work I need to concentrate on, and I have a bizarre form of it now, from what the entity did to me.  Shiva seems to be what makes it possible for me to consume THC, because a kind of guidance comes through now that allows me to process everything.  In a henotheistic path like mine, I feel all I can do is experiment with invocation and prayers for mercy to see where it leads.  More work than not has demonstrated finer results.

The convent's guest house doors are once again open to the public, provided visitors wear masks and have been vaccinated.  I might go on a retreat there soon, to escape to a beautiful place of quietude and contemplation.  Today is the annual LGBTQ+ Pride parade, but I don't want to face the crowds, as much as I am both queer as an asexual, and in support of queer culture.  I worry I have become a bit of a lone wolf, but I just don't know how else to live my life these days.  I wish I had a partner to hold me, but I have a subconscious distrust of males now because of what happened repeatedly with the opposite sex... men who approach me are always so aggressive.  I have declared myself celibate, being Ace I kind of already was, but I don't even fool around and find out anymore.  I don't get any joy out of it, just a feeling of having been used.

I still haven't done a new video in a while, not sure when I'll be on that.  THC does make the channel weird and I kind of need a few days in between to get it right, and I just haven't come up with anything for them that resonates.  Art is slow to come out of me... I long for finer days where again I feel alive and youthful.  

40 with no money, no love, and no ambition is tough.

-Saraƒin

Prayers to Fatimah...

I have come to a point where I swear by some of the spells I have cast using whisky and other forms of alcohol.  One was an incant while invoking Fatimah (daughter of Muhammad) - what followed was a profound quieting of the mind, and a sense that levels of sin that I feel had backed off.  (I kept getting the suggestion that the Hand of Fatimah was relevant somehow, and decided it meant to invoke Her for prayers regarding my situation.  Again, although my situation sounds rather flowery considering how many sources I reach out to, I feel that a soul in need might have more successes in prayer results if sources could help with healing.  I am a henotheist and believe the gods are an extension of one ultimate consciousness, and that ultimate has already helped me in other ways.)

I went to High Park yesterday and did some contemplation rituals in the woods... nature feels very healing to me, and I am going to try to spend more time with Her before the summer ends.  Some guy saw me setting up and asked if he could join me - I shooed him away, wanting alone time with the spirit world, not needing some random guy eyeballing me, only to watch me channel.  Men frustrate me so much, and I demand to remain chaste for life, or at least until love makes sense.  I'm a relatively attractive girl so I get a lot of attention, but I go into defence mode when they come onto me, to get out of there as quickly as possible.  I just don't trust any man who wants to get to know me based on what I look like... I am certain they would ridicule me later.

After the park, I went to Kensington Market for lunch, and found a white priest robe in a shop.  It is probably Catholic but is generic looking enough that it's suitable for ceremonial wear with what I'm doing, so I bought it.  Again, the coyote shawl feels like a tool that, when worn, helps me to connect, but a robe or cassock was something else I was on the lookout for.

Saturn Retrograde was a bit of a concern for me, but magick has been really successful since it began, and I get the sense that it might be beneficial to me as a magician.  Tonight I'm going to do a spell for a Facebook friend.  I have decided, at this point, I will only take donations for spells if people want to give them, I won't necessarily charge for them, it doesn't feel right.  Readings, I will charge, because that's like a personal one on one session, but spells don't take me too long to prepare.  That's like charging for praying for people, which is also extremely uncool, but donations are appreciated for altar supplies.  (If suddenly I got very popular that might change because of circumstances, but I never want to rip people off.)

-Saraƒin

My shrine to the dearly departed...

(Some things have been shifted around since I snapped this picture, but this is basically what I have set up!)

After saying farewell to my Boston fern, "Fernie Sanders", who was not looking so hot anymore, I had a cleared space for another altar.  At first I just put some prayer candles and one of my St. Jude statues, but then I got the idea to make an ancestor (and dead pets) shrine, since I often have spiritual visitors.  I had found a Mexican Day of the Dead sugar skull cloth in Kensington Market, so I bought that and used it as the base of the shrine.  

The Day of the Dead statues here were a gift from my Dad - there's an interesting story to them.  My Mom was visiting from out of town because of the news of my Dad's ailing health - he was terminally ill with a brain tumour.  She was cleaning everything (we call her the "White Glove" because she is cleaner than everyone, and gets upset sometimes if she is in an environment that is the least bit disorganized or dusty, hence my apartment), when she knocked over the Day of the Dead statues, damaging one and shattering the other.  I exploded at her and burst into tears - it was just too much, because Dad had given them to me, and he was dying, and it was like a strange sign of how serious everything was.  But I later calmed down, Mom and I hugged, and she swore she would repair them for me.

Fast forward into the future - one day she presented me with a wrapped gift box, and when I opened it, in it was the figures, put back together, and housed in this little wooden case that was made to protect them.  Very moving that she was able to save them, so this is now an important item to me, so it definitely had to go on the shrine.

I also am going to put pictures of the deceased on the shrine, along with any items that seem relevant.  I have a Santa Muerte candle, because I have uttered prayers to Her at times, but also simply as a gesture to honour the dead.

I am still using mild levels of THC and can feel the results... it's like a calmer mind is emerging, though trying to channel while stoned is pointless, because the drug makes me go into a slightly altered state for a while. I always wake the next morning feeling refreshed, though.  It seems therapeutic, and I don't feel as sad about things as of late.

More to come - I haven't done a video in a while, maybe that's next!

Video tour of my shrine to the dearly departed

-Saraƒin

Just some awkward satanic strangeness...

 

This pretty much speaks for itself!

More content from me coming soon... just a bit preoccupied!

-Saraƒin

Finished! (Can't think of a title for it just yet!)

So, I might touch this up a bit more when I once again have fresh eyes, but I took to painting it today, feeling motivated to complete it just now.  (Not my finest inking job, but I like something about it.  I think the shine on the latex habit needs a bit more work.) Acrylic and pen on canvas board.

As I get used to using THC again, the initial oddness of the high has worn off, and I feel safe doing it.  Anxiety might have been making me worried going into it, but now it just feels pleasant and therapeutic.

I hope I can move more of these paintings because I certainly don't have tons of room to store them in this tiny apartment!

-Saraƒin

More new art underway...

I just started this new Sister Penance piece... it turned out dirtier than I had intended, because of the positioning of the gun!  I think it works, though.  I'm going to try and get more art underway again, since I was on a roll getting back into painting... then I just stopped again for a while.

After several days without, I did some more of that even split CBD/THC marijuana, and the first time among them I went into a trance, then a dance which was rather sultry and as though a part of a performance.  (This was after I prayed to Lord Shiva with the joint before lighting it.). It seems these sessions are shaping Ajna chakra to come down from something mighty painful and strange... it's also demonstrating a teacher with the plant medicine, though different from magic mushroom kinds of experiences, of course.  Ajna chakra feels healthier than it did before I tried this recent experiment, and I am also far less irritable.  I went to High Park and had a wonderful feeling being amongst the trees.

Hopefully I can get the rest of this latest painting done soon!

-Saraƒin