Saturday, 25 January 2020
I keep channeling that in the next little while (and the main reason for my hospitalization) is because I am going to go into an altered state as I grow closer to Christ where I might not be responsive, and so I would require fluids, a ventilator, shit like that. Sounds shocking, but the altered state is supposed to be bliss that feels like a year, but in this reality is only 3 days long... then I wake up, a superior mind overall. Again, this is a premonition, might mean nothing, I might be foolishly blogging articles based on nonsense right now, but if this proves to be true, I can say I called it - this is just an experiment. Don't be worried about my mind right now... be worried about my psychic career if this proves not to come true! xD (I could use a year of bliss after the stupidity that has been my life for over the past decade, so I say bring it. I don't care if that means I end up going comatose. Whatever.)
This hospital ward has been pretty good, apart from one bad nurse who made something rather personal into a big deal, humiliating me with it, and was later ratty with me when I asked for some of my kombucha, which they were holding onto in the nursing station due to its glass bottle. I have so many hospital bracelets going I feel like I'm going to some fancy music festival or rave. The psychiatrist here has been surprisingly good, she seems to listen more than most without forcing ideas down my throat. I've had two guests, which makes me feel better, though I feel rather timid and vulnerable right now. I mostly want to lie in bed and engage the channel to see what comes of it.
At this point I just hope that the shockingly odd information about lapsing into unconsciousness proves to be true so that I can trust my channeling more, and so that I can escape this painfully dull reality for a while.
PS: I downloaded the new Pet Shop Boys album today ...it's wonderful! Some is classic 70s sounding stuff, other songs have a dancey, almost dream pop-y flavor, and there's some strong 80s feels thrown in as well. Bound to be a Pet Shop Boys classic. My current faves are "Will O The Wisp", "Happy People", and "Monkey Business".
Thursday, 23 January 2020
Another premonition came true! I am now in a psychiatric unit in a general hospital. I am happy I am getting more psychic, I am disappointed it had to play out this way.
On Tuesday night, as I was trying to sleep, I kept getting roused awake by something, and was urgently advised to call for assistance. So I dialed 911, very nervously, and had to deal with a shitty operator. Two cops came and escorted me to CAMH (no handcuffs this time - too bad, the blonde pig was rather attractive!) and I was voluntarily admitted. The ER was pandemonium and it took a very long time to get my own gurney to lie on - this is getting much worse with time at the CAMH ER. Some of the raunchiest men cussed and cussed and I got no sleep for 48 hours. I had the choice of waiting up to several days in the ER for a room on the CAMH Women's Ward, or to go to another hospital. So I chose to accept the bed elsewhere.
This ward ain't the prettiest but the staff are quite nice and it's less oppressive than other mental wards I have been on. I went because of a looming feeling of something coming, a sense of dread, and the worry of being alone with what I sensed. It seems psychiatry is actually listening to me more - they are not shooting down my theories, they seem to acknowledge my ideas a bit better.
I think Spirit wants me to be in here for something that is coming. Not sure if it's an altered state where I'd be vulnerable without help or what - I guess we'll see if this is a false alarm. The Anglican Druid is coming tomorrow with snacks and a pair of headphones, which I didn't bring.
Hospital Hack: Order the Halal food instead of standard meals because it's slightly better food!
Tuesday, 21 January 2020
"Passions" intro: Because my life is a trashy soap opera!
I've tidied my apartment, paid the monthly bills like a good Taurus on top of her finances, and have prepped myself for the possibility of a hospitalization coming. I keep getting that there's something just around the corner, and it might have to do with me experiencing Christ's passion in a psychic sense. No idea if this is going to prove to be true, or if I am just going to look foolish on here making this post, but I've had some weird signs. For one, I kept seeing CAMH reps everywhere doing the marketing thing, and though I have had a good time telling them off for trying to get money out of me after CAMH did a bunch of shit to me in the past, it's grown worrisome. Even stronger was when I glanced at a random license plate and the first four characters were "CAMH"! So, I am just preparing myself in case anything happens.
I will say that there's this underlying sense that "something" is coming, though as a mind I cannot know what... I can only channel to try and see how accurate the information proves to be. I'm not going to share all the details of what the channel has to say, but if a good story comes of this, you'll hear about it, sinners.
Went to the cathedral for mass and the rosary, and felt moved. Something is happening, be it subtle or grandiose. My finger keeps drawing the cross, and my channel reassures me. There is still something rather dark in me it seems, but it is more of a burden than a torment, it's so mild compared to what it was, it doesn't even feel truly dark per se... rather, it's just a mild discomfort in my soul. It creates confusion in channel, thus leading me to backtrack time and time again on my insights, for they jump about because of this. I am also lead to believe this burden is lifting soon. My hand drew a dagger, then twisted it, as if to suggest a killing blow, so perhaps that time is upon me.
More to come, sinners - be I on the inside or out.
Saturday, 18 January 2020
I guess I just don't give two damp shits anymore about fundamentalists finding this blog and giving me a hard time... so here's another fucked up Christian PSI - this one is about saving your virginity until marriage, girls!
Fuck, this one is so extra, I wonder if it's simply a parody, I can't actually tell - it must be, right? But some of this shit is so absurd when it's sincere that I just don't know.
I wish I hadn't erased the old Christian TV posts when I began to worry about fundamentalists. Oh well!
Tuesday, 14 January 2020
God, I miss "Duckman"!
Hey, sinners -
I had to call my pharmacist this morning and ask to be raised back to 60 mg of Latuda due to some slightly spooky channeled messages I have been getting since last night. They're not threatening, they're warning me of the possibility of a hospital stay on the horizon, so to try to avoid this, I thought maybe 60 mg is a dose I should stay on a bit longer. But the more that comes out, the more it seems that hospitalization might be unavoidable. The good news, based on this information, is that it means a progress in my consciousness (ultimately) - something in my neurology might be shifting, but that means a vulnerable state could be coming, so I would need to be in a safe environment. Toronto is a busy city, I am downtown, and I live alone in a one bedroom apartment.
I have no idea if this is truly a premonition or just psychic noise, but I am being cautious anyway. I have a tendency to self-harm lightly when I panic - I don't self-harm to punish myself, and I don't do anything damaging. Rather, I smack myself around and I choke myself a little until the Spirit pulls my hands away from doing so. It's an old behaviour pattern from a rough childhood that has been hard to curb, especially when my soul was in turmoil. Because of this, and because of my living situation, I might need to check in if something goes funny with my ego.
I have read that certain seekers at higher levels experience a kind of "ego death" or something that can literally, for some, feel like dying, and Spirit says He wants me safe. I guess I might be approaching the Seventh Mansion of the Castle of the Soul, as St. Teresa of Avila would put it, if this sort of thing is what I think it is. Unfortunately, because I can't be in a peaceful place in the country where life is simple, CAMH might have to suffice. I just hope that, if this is actually something to pay attention to, those idiot doctors don't just crank up the meds and ignore everything I have to say. I am not impressed with psychiatric medicine in Toronto, and CAMH seems to think that any unusual psychological state MUST mean an illness, and not necessarily growing pains. So stupid.
In the meantime, I am going to watch myself and not busy my mind too much. I had a rough night for sleep last night, and was slightly fearful. My emotions have also been slightly odder than usual. Otherwise, things are fine, and I don't believe this has to do with any demon.
UPDATE: I decided to go back down to 40 mg in case this is a false alarm. If hospitalization does happen, so be it. Not like I'm not used to it at this point. I have been fine on 40 mg since before Christmas... I don't want to spoil my progress now because of some random channeled message. Besides, if this is about consciousness shifting, it might be better that I ride it out with the lower dose for the sake of my brain adapting to change. We'll see what happens... here's hoping it's just the subconscious babbling nonsense again.
Saturday, 11 January 2020
The expression "go with your gut" is a common one, and for good reason - it's sound advice. Have you ever felt a sharp pain in your solar plexus area, or a sense of something strong, as a reaction to an event? That's an area of consciousness in you reacting strongly to something, urging you, or warning you, so you can know to proceed properly. While the egoic monkey mind can trick and confuse, the gut doesn't lie. It may not be clear to a beginner what your gut is trying to say, but pay attention when you feel it. That is your soul speaking to you.
If your gut is "screaming" at you with a sensation, it might be miffed with your deeds or actions, or urging you to take action. If you are drawn to something in a powerful way, then you are being called to follow the will of your soul, and you should not ignore it. For example, when I randomly met the man who has become a psychic mentor, my gut made me strongly fascinated by him, and urged me to contact him when I could - that was not the egoic mind deciding this because he seemed cool, the gut was commanding it. When being warned of danger or trouble, my gut reacts with a strange stabbing feeling, urging me to back away.
(The trouble with having a demon in me was that I could no longer interpret the gut as well, and made stupid decisions, not being able to "hear" the will of the soul, because of the demon's abilities to manipulate me on many levels of consciousness. But fortunately, most of us won't have to face what I did.)
Focusing on the navel centre in your mind is a good way to start when you are trying to concentrate on this area of the psyche - don't be afraid to navel gaze. What do you feel? How do you react to things? Try to ignore the thoughts that enter your mind if you are a beginner psychic, and pay more attention to sense in other ways. The Ajna (third eye) is a tricky chakra until it's grounded and strong, and can make people a little strange for a while, but the gut, provided it's healthy, won't steer you wrong. (It is my understanding that there is even a kind of second brain in the stomach, which is why the gut is so important to listen to - this is another centre of perception we Westerners don't consider when making a move.)
Some good prayers I uttered to Metatron came out of reading the Bhagavad Gita and the Upanishads and considering the Ego vs the Self. A book on Kabbalah suggested that the Ego "makes a good servant but a terrible master", so I prayed to Metatron that my Ego serve my Self, and that seemed to help unlock something with my ability to interpret what the soul truly desires. Now, I know not to stir the pot too much in life if things are in check, even if my lifestyle is a bit bland and simple by capitalist standpoints.
A simple life is what I need right now to achieve the kind of mind I seek - too much of a good thing means too many cooks spoil the broth, which is why I don't want to change much about my life's structure immediately. My gut says I am doing ok.
Monday, 6 January 2020
"Jesus Was A Buddhist Monk"
Here's a fascinating BBC documentary I watched a while back (and shall have to watch again) which discusses the theory that Christ was the prophet Isa, survived crucifixion, and went on to be a teacher in India. This is what I have personally come to believe of the Jesus story. I don't believe in the ascension, and I believe His story was definitely embellished in the Bible, perhaps because of what religion was like at the time. I also have ideas about the Virgin Mary: that She wasn't a virgin (in the sexual sense) who was impregnated by the Holy Spirit, that She probably did have sex with Joseph to bear Jesus, and instead is "virginal" as a soul because of Her sacred power and ties to the Goddess. I hate how people associate Her power with some lame feminine purity thing like being sexually virginal and then miraculously impregnated by God - that's reductive. She is so much more than just an innocent vessel, and I know how She has opened doors for me to Divine Femininity - I recommend to all Mother Mary devotees to consider Her your doorway to this aspect of the Divine, and not just to see Her as some random saint gifted with the duty of bearing the fruit that was Jesus.
There are riches to be found in the esoteric practises of Christianity, it's a damn sad shame that it seems many of these practises and ideas were likely buried in history, and are not understood well by conventional Christian thought.