More Sacred Heart stuff...

I am beginning to suspect that what I feel in my heart is unique to only some, and not what most Christians and/or Christ devotees experience.  What I can describe is a warm, soft glowing light, like a loving sun, in my heart centre, that never leaves me, and feels ignited with powerful, graceful love from the Spirit.  Am I a recipient of the Heart of Jesus?

My lack of a religious education means that I am puzzled by the concept of the Sacred Heart.  It's something I will likely seek to study more, to make sense of what I feel in my chest, and have felt, since that day in the summer of 2015 when I felt Christ enter my life.  Since this sensation in my chest began, self injury has been harder to do to myself, since my arms force themselves from doing what I tend to do when I feel self destructive, and there's a powerful element of protection.  I feel aglow, without obviously looking like I am glowing, but there's a lightness in my soul and it's as though I feel I radiate something.

Yesterday, at work, in my prayers to St. Jude, I was able to consecrate myself to the Sacred Heart, something I was trying to do with novenas that I guess weren't moving me ahead.  St. Jude, I have once again decided, is my go to patron saint, he seems to be the doorway to Jesus that I in particular need to work with.  I am not sure why it had to be a specific way, but now I am aware that when in doubt, I must turn to this saint.  I have a St. Jude chaplet I have used on and off as well, and even though I have also felt the aid of St. Anthony, it is St. Jude who is probably my truest patron saint, after all.

The dark field seems to weaken steadily as I work with the Psalms, devotional prayers, and other techniques.  It's as though a sensation of soothing bliss emanates in my core as I feel it weaken, for it has been an irritant in my soul that causes even my physical body to ache in discomfort.  My mind feels slightly more at ease, be it with practice or the CBD, yet I have felt a bit depressed as of late, due to the recent hospitalization and the exhaustion of the past 13 and a half years.  It's like I don't even know what direction to take my life anymore.  If I could get back into my art, that might help a little, but I find it hard to do so when my desperation to be free of all darkness is at the forefront of my desires.

Perhaps there are some interesting books out there on the Sacred Heart of Jesus, or the saints who have had devotions to it.  I guess it's off to the Catholic bookstore with me again at some point!

-Saraƒin

Further experiences with CBD...

I can't say I have consumed enough to notice a major difference, but there is at least a subtle change in my mind since I began consuming CBD marijuana.  It's safe to say it has been therapeutic, and I definitely want to discuss this with my psychiatrist when I next meet with her, since she may have further input.

I do feel a similar enough pot feeling to that which I felt when I used to recreationally use THC type weed, but this is more of the euphoria and body buzz variety than of anything psychological.  Actually, there is kind of a psychological feeling, but it is not one that distracts the mind, sending it on a strange journey, or anything like that - it feels deeply relaxing and renewing.  In between sessions with the CBD, I feel a sense of mental strengthening that suggests there is an underlying change in my neurology that might be going on.  I have read that CBD is good for various mental health concerns, so any psychological damages I have acquired from the pains of the past might be fading with this plant's use.  The old moderate pothead in me is slightly worried about returning to days where I'd do too much of this throughout the day, thus losing track of time, so I am trying to be responsible this time around, even though CBD is harder to abuse in this respect anyway.  I have been offered a free vape so once I receive that I am going to make the switch from smoking it to vaping it instead, to go easier on my lungs, which are not enjoying themselves.

Something interesting was known to happen with me and marijuana where I would get fascinating and convincing arguments to ideas in my head in conversation, and I could see them through and ignite interesting discussions about virtually anything, and this component appears to be back again, as I noticed this quality sneak in when I was discussing religion with friends the other day, and argued something about various spiritual approaches.  It's like my creative centres are firing again, where they might have been depressed for a while.  I hope that I can get back into art - of course I painted that "Our Lady of Guadalupe" piece while in hospital, but haven't touched art again since getting out.  The cover inks still need to be coloured, so maybe that will be the next mini project.

The one thing I miss from THC that CBD does not provide is the amazing things it did for listening to music, and some of my active imagination visionary states on THC blew my mind, amusing me immensely.  It's not worth it though, if it's going to muck up my psyche!  CBD might even be healing me of my ills, so I will keep updating on here about how things go with this.

-Saraƒin

UPDATE: I am getting the sense that I may someday soon begin to explore the active imagination experiences I had, which could come and go even without THC.  It's very funny how it presents - almost like it has an interface, like some quasi CP24 parody thing (that's a local news channel) spliced with a video game.  It's wild.  It was my Jungian analyst that pointed out what it was - active imagination.  I suspect Nikola Tesla may have had something similar, based on what I have read about him... Dr. Carl G Jung certainly had this.

One argument I came up with to suggest that my demon was real...

Thought forms were something I looked into a while ago when I was basically being brainwashed by mainstream psychiatrists into believing I wasn't dealing with a legitimate possession case.  My understanding of thought forms are that they are concentrated human thoughts or emotions that generate a kind of artificial form.  Some have explained away ghost phenomena with this argument.  I have also come to understand that the best way to defeat a negative thought form is to cease to give it attention or belief, and that this will weaken it.  So, when I believed that I had a vicious thought form, I experimented and attempted all I could to destroy it by cutting ties with any belief in it, trying to find explanations elsewhere, such as that I had had a bad kundalini awakening, or a chakra blockage from something, or anything but spirit possession.  Did it work?  Not at all.

Only when I embraced the idea that my demon was a real entity and it was up to me to remove it was it that I grew, I opened more to Spirit, and I acquired the understanding and tools to do anything about it.  Based on this logic, it is my opinion that this is a reasonable explanation to suggest that what I had here was no delusion, but instead something from a source beyond mere human understanding.  Life got more interesting, too, I had more confidence in myself (oddly enough), and I seemed to learn more about myself as a person.  I grew determined to defeat this, rather than bogged down with the fear that I would one day have to commit suicide (which is all I got out of believing in the psychiatric explanation), and something drove me to finish what I had started to fight many years before.

Though it now seems like I am still dealing with a mild aftermath which means that I still need medication to ease my mind, I am rid of a darkness that words fail to describe.  The only passages that best present the pain I endured come of the writings of some of the mystics I have read who had encounters with the diabolical.  This was horror that might have killed a weaker person easily, it's a good thing I am tough.

I am getting signs something is progressing in me again soon, or has been and may just be a bit awkward, and I am now feeling a bit more like my old self, since getting out of hospital.  The CBD seems to be healing me a little on an emotional level.  I just purchased a fancy glass pipe so that I don't have to use rolling papers, which probably have bad chemicals in the bleach.  Vapes are kind of pricey for me right now, and I don't expect to be hitting the pipe constantly, so for now that's what I'm using when I choose to inhale it.

-Saraƒin

I bought some CBD after all...

I got a strong sense, both from research, former words from my psychiatrist, and yes - also some psychic channeling, that CBD was worth trying.  I still have some time off before returning to work next week, and there's a local (legal) dispensary near me, so I headed there and bought a bag of a high CBD, low THC marijuana, the strongest of the CBD strains with the lowest THC count that they had.  If anything was going to be safe on my mind, it was this.  It's called "Pure Sun CBD".

Though the woman there advised me to smoke it to release the CBD, I had heard a tea works too (as long as you also chew on the buds), and as a former smoker, if I can avoid smoking anything, I am going to do so.  I am even wary of vaping, so tea it was.  I boiled some water with the pot in it, just enough for a joint, and let it steep for a while.  Then I poured the tea and sipped away.

The result was a warm calm that crept over me, like a cozy blanket.  It felt like a high, sort of like what I remember, but without any weird mental reactions or stoner shit.  Also, emotionally I began to feel better than I have been feeling as of late, and it was soothing to the mind, unlike my last experience with marijuana.  This seems to be exactly what I needed.

I have quite a bit for several more pots of pot tea, and I get the impression that CBD can have profoundly healing effects, not just on the body or mind but also on the soul.  I wanted the buds, not the oil, because I get the sense pranically it would be stronger in plant form, and I want to use it as a spiritual medicine.  I am mentioning this use right now to catalogue any healing effects I might get from using CBD marijuana, so I can look back on changes as progress is made, should this be successful.

I was wary of trying any pot at all anymore, but I guess this really is safe for the mind.

-Saraƒin

UPDATE: I later tried smoking some, and yes - I can definitely handle this!  My mind even feels soothed by it, not bombarded, like it does with THC.  I get a euphoric feeling that feels more emotional than like some weird pot trip, and there's a sense of relaxation, but my mind doesn't go wonky.  Hopefully I can benefit psychologically and spiritually from the medicine of CBD.  Also, I am prone to tension headaches, so this could help with those as well.  Might invest in a vape device, or might just stick with the tea.

Antipsychotics and psychic readings...

I had this assumption that antipsychotics might have been clouding my abilities as a psychic, but now, with Latuda at least, I am abandoning that idea.  A lot of people in spirituality often believe that taking psych meds can harm one's spiritual growth, but I am not so convinced about that argument, at least when it has come to problems such as my own.

It seems the anti-fluoride types really hate the idea, for example... that it means the soul is stunted in its ability to make progress.  And certainly, I get how with some medications, the mind can be blunted to the degree where you lose touch with who you are.  But, when it comes to spiritual possession and its after effects on the brain, I think antipsychotics are almost necessary if one wants to get themselves out of such a situation.  A Buddhist nun friend of mine was one who suggested that Buddhists, at least, don't think psych meds are all bad, if they mean a person can cope better.

I had to begrudgingly come to accept that I needed some kind of drug of this class to cope with what was in my soul, for it had a tendency to take over my neurology and run amok with my consciousness.  With the drugs, it could still have a field day with my subconscious, but on drugs, at least, the ego conscious was left alone, and I could have the upper hand.  It was a scary reality that was tantamount to walking a tight rope, hoping I never forgot a dose.  Now it seems that despite my progress, there is still something mild perturbing the mind, so I needed to stay at 60 mg... 40 was just too low.  The good news is that my conscious wasn't severely impacted by this... but my readings went to shit.

Now I am trying to get what I once had psychically back, and I am assuming it's just a case of waiting for the drugs to level everything out at 60 mg again, and for my latest prayers to be answered.  The other reason I wanted to go to a lower dose, besides the assumption that maybe it would have made me a clearer channel, is that I wanted to train my brain to be at a lower dose for the eventual day I come off this stuff entirely, but also because I have had slightly higher than I should levels of cholesterol, and I suspect Latuda might be to blame.  So, the lower I can get away with, the better.  Too bad I jumped the gun with this.

Again, this wasn't a dreadfully serious thing, it was a hiccup.  The only annoying part now is waiting to be able to do what I was doing psychically, and the fact that the hospitalization zapped me of joy, and going out hasn't brought me any fun as of late.

BTW, even though I swore off marijuana, I am curious about CBD.  I want to talk to my psychiatrist about this more, since she specializes in medical marijuana.  THC is fucking horrible for me, but I want to see how CBD might react.  I did have some interesting spiritual reactions to the plant itself that I wonder about, very positive things.  I wish I could relive that, and I wonder if CBD would be similar in some ways.  This is an idea for the future.

-Saraƒin

PS: It's also possible that a shift in consciousness is making it hard to read right now... this has been known to happen with me in spurts.  It's always frustrating, but it doesn't last.  Things will remain a mystery until they are solved.

Playing with personae...

Time to get past this recent hospitalization and poop out more psychospiritual articles like the Randy Newman of spirituality blogging that I have become - here's one on the idea of wearing personae:

Persona is something that I have changed a great deal throughout my life, and I have several that I wear on and off at this point.  We all do, really, and often a person's main personae can change overtime.  Certainly, I have an authoritarian persona at work that is slightly more masculine (because of the kind of job I do).  With friends, my persona can change slightly depending on whom I am with.  I can't recall for the life of me which Myers Briggs personality type it said that I have, but it's one of the more outgoing ones, and I remember it saying that I have a chameleon-esque way of relating to others, and that I have the same personality type as Barack Obama.  I'm not that obsessed with the Myers Briggs thing the way some people are, I don't care that I am a more common type, not an INFJ or whatever.  Certainly, I will often shapeshift as a persona to adapt to whomever I am with, to keep the conversation interesting and comfortable.  That seems intrinsic to my character, no matter what persona I am working with at a time.

Sister Penance is kind of an adorkable nerd girl sexpot persona that I play with for this blog as a clown to simultaneously make fun of religious conservatism and fetish nuns, but also to explore my spirituality in a way that is self aware so that when I inevitably backtrack again and again on some of my understandings of self and my experiences, it's at least a good laugh the reminisce over, and thus less embarrassing.  She is not a bedroom persona - I've stated many times on here that I find sex stupid as hell (I'm Ace) so she's not that at all, it's more like a jester kind of role.  The Saraƒin on the last blog concentrated more on Mad activism, so there was a different tone to my persona with that time than there is now.

Clothing can really bring out a persona in me, depending on what I am wearing.  Half the time I dress like a witchy goth matriarch, and when that happens I present as a more dame-like character.  When I dress more like Rainbow Brite (because I do have days like that) I will behave more cutesy.  And of course, I have to wear a specific persona when talking to certain members of my family, depending on who they are.

Persona was a concept I played with a bit in "Asylum Squad" with the pseudo-Jungian Ajna Project, where the characters designed "Hero Personae" to wear in their sleep when battling their inner demons.  Some said this reminded them a bit of the "Shin Megami Tensei" games, and I guess there are some similarities between my comic and "Persona 3", especially.  Thinking back to some of the personae I played with as a younger woman and the ones I work with now - wow.  Night and day.  I am not the same person at all anymore, in so many ways.

I should pick my analyst's brain more about the concept of persona - we have discussed shadow to death, but not this area of Jungian psychology.  Then perhaps I can present more interesting ideas on here.

-Saraƒin

Feeling weary...

I feel like my energy is shot to hell because of this recent hospitalization.  Privileges were stricter there than at CAMH, there was a hospital bracelet policy and depending on what colour you wore it meant you could leave the ward or not - when you could, it meant either with someone accompanying you only, or on your own (but only at certain hours and not off grounds).  One of my roommates (I had 3 - yikes!) snored like death metal so I needed heavy drugs and earplugs to sleep.  By the end, I was shuffling down the hall like a zombie, and they even asked if I had ever had catatonia because of how I was spacing out - for fuck's sake.  Still, it was in many ways less oppressive than other wards I have been on, and most of the staff were nice.  There was a lovely atrium in the hospital I would go to on off ward times to sit and try to enjoy myself.  It's good to be out, but I didn't get much sleep last night, and I feel like a boiled owl, as my grandmother would often say.

I had mentioned this on the weird post I later deleted, but I bought the new Pet Shop Boys album ("Hotspot") on my phone and it's one of the few delights I got to enjoy while I was there.  Apart from one or two songs I tend to skip, this is a wonderful classic PSB sounding collection that is sure to be one of my faves, most of the songs are immediately appealing.  Highlights for me are "Will o the Wisp", "Monkey Business", "Dreamland", and "Happy People".  There are a couple of tracks with a strong disco vibe, others sound more 80s, and there were even some dream pop elements to the instrumentation.  This is kind of like "Please" meets "Very" sometimes, a little bit.  Stuart Price, the producer on this album, really helps the Boys shine.  I hope they keep working with him.

I am so frustrated with my life as of late - what I wouldn't give not to be me for a while.  I know everyone tends to feel that way on and off, and I try to be brave and positive, but my problems are so bizarre and misunderstood that even a coma looks appealing right about now.  My life sometimes feels insulting to behold, I have learned not to expect anything positive - not to be negative in this case, but instead to be pleasantly surprised when the positive eventually does occur.  I don't want to die, but I do wish sometimes I could go to the other place and stop this strange ride.  It's exhausting and rather absurd what I have to live with on a daily basis.  Please don't see this as some cry for help, I am just bored with the way things are right now, and I can't always be optimistic.

I have a work leave of 10 more days, then I'm back at the grind.  For now, I am going to take it easy and try to get my life in order again.

-Saraƒin