Kundalini discomfort...

Ok sinners, I may have just cured myself yesterday!  First of all, I want to list some of the problems I have been dealing with lately that have been complicating my life, and then go into what happened:

- A feeling of chronic low energy and weariness

- Chronic tension headaches

- Confusion in channeled information coupled with odd psychological pain

- Uncomfortable energy sensations in the chest and gut

- The fear that I am still very much affected by sinister forces

- Seizure-like reactions when trying to bed down

- Problems with sleep

- Neurological issues

- Subconscious frustration

D'uh - it was right under my nose!  This is classic kundalini irritation, if something is not addressed in the process.  So I prayed rigorously to my sources that I be free of all negative kundalini symptoms (I had previously prayed away kundalini complications, but didn't consider mere symptoms as well) and noticed my headache was lifted, my energy felt higher, and insights began to make more sense.  I had wrestled with my understanding of things by studying several schools of thought (but mainly the eastern kundalini model) for this kind of universal human experience, I confused meaning as much as anyone else with my channel as it was, sometimes assuming too much about one cultural interpretation versus another.  Regardless of what model you follow, I would often feel the eastern interpretation was the one I grasped the finest, and I have many books on this subject, some good, some awful.

Kundalini awakening can become a syndrome if aggravated - in my case, it was likely due to both a demonic entity and using psychoactives too much.  It was excruciating for years, but up until this point it had become just exhausting and irritating.  There have been many days where I just wanted to curl up in bed and cry over what I was feeling, not knowing how to proceed... western medicine is useless except to provide pills if a symptom is uncomfortable.  They do not understand the underlying cause.

And now I finally understand what on earth that strange chest sensation was - not a field in me, but instead Anahata chakra changing and being worked on.  It feels weird, so I was worried it was physical... it was so intense it felt like it was in my lungs.  Now I can be at peace when it happens, knowing it's actually a positive thing that just feels strange.  This has been incredibly confusing, leading me to type far too many blog articles that muse over dead end theories as to what's going on and how to proceed - but that's the way it can be for the seeker in spiritual emergency.  I hope this doesn't mean I have presented as foolish with some of the theories I have had.  I still won't budge from the idea that I was possessed and got out of it, though - it was simply too dark and had such an intense destructive nature on my life that it couldn't have just been a delusion.  Also, having that entity would help explain how kundalini got so strange, as though my own kundalini was attacking me itself.

CBD feels like a good ongoing treatment for this because I have felt more at ease since using it rather regularly, it's not a psychoactive but it feels therapeutic.  I am concluding it's best to continue avoiding THC.  Psychoactives might be beneficial for earlier levels, but one should let them go eventually or shit gets complicated.  I got an insight that my kundalini has reached the hair line, so I must now really watch what I consume.  I try to exercise enough but it's mainly low key stuff like strolling the city, I feel rigorous exercise like cardio is a bit overwhelming and I can't commit to it.  Diet wise, I tend to crave heavier foods, which I think is what my body wants to consume to feel more solid and rooted.  A trained yogi might recommend red meat if someone was in a kundalini syndrome... not all yogis are vegetarian, or should be.  I want to be in better shape but I am very cerebral right now and it's difficult to commit to my body in a way that might be easier for others.

So this is the theory today, I am running with it, it certainly explains quite a few things I have experienced.  So many of my old posts, including recent ones, are irrelevant, but that's ok.  Again, I am not a teacher, not a guru... I am just a student here.

-Saraƒin

Lucifer...

I had suspicions that the root of what remained of my spiritual suffering was the influence of Lucifer, which was likely something that had affected my life since birth, possibly for multiple lifetimes.  In a previous post, I discussed "Lucy", the little red haired girl with crooked teeth who commanded me to disobey my parents as a child - it was only in recent years that I decided this "imaginary enemy" might have been Lucifer in disguise.  After more thought, the name Lucifer came up again.  I did more prayer work, in case this was still affecting me.  Slowly, it seems things have eased up a little more, and I gave some more solid readings at my mentor's new shop.  There is still something rather sad and heavy about me, but less so, and I am reading finer insights, less irrelevance comes out of channel.

It seems that Lucifer attacks friends of God, so if you are someone Lucifer is "kind" to, you are his pawn and he is likely to turn on you at some point later on, possibly in old age, possibly once you have passed on, and once you're in bed with him, if you wish to turn away, he is likely to attack you.  Why play with this crap when there are much finer sources for enlightenment?  Metatron is a marvelous angel to work with for psychological gifts - aim higher, don't wallow in pig shit like this byproduct of creation.  I think many are in love with the idea of the rebel who stands up to God, but this is just mythos - it's a story demonstrating something that is wrong in nature, it is not about literally standing up to an anthropomorphic Jehovah.  I imagine Jehovah has come across as strange to many due to Lucifer influencing the presentation of the Spirit, and that's the only reason Jehovah seems like a complex, stern god sometimes.  We may not know a consistent understanding of the nature of God unless Lucifer ever ceases to exist.  I understand that Luciferianism attracts many artists and creative souls, perhaps (because artists are often rebellious in dress and attitude themselves) they identify with the mythos of this demon, as a personality.  It's this anthropomorphism of the demonic that is causing confusion about the nature of the beast, so to speak.  Often art depicting demons is gorgeous and appeals to many visually, especially the countercultural - but the real thing, once it's in your life, is never what you want to involve yourself in.  Evil isn't cool to play with... evil is what shouldn't be.

Some weird news: I Googled my rapist recently, and discovered his obituary.  I now have mixed feelings about not reporting the incident.  I suppose I can make peace with the idea that at least I did not suffer physical disease from this, though I may still have some underlying psychological pain that makes me feel strange about my status in the world.  I kind of feel like I am, at best, a noble pauper, and I should be grateful I can at least have a one bedroom apartment in the city.  Abuse has taken its toll on my self worth - I have a confident soul, but a broken heart and a saddened mind.  I have been stereotyped and sexualized by my high school, abused by psychiatry, and oppressed by the legal system ... I wish I could afford a lawyer to fight the injustice, but these systems ruined me, and I'm now too traumatized to fight it, even if money came my way.  I try to think like St. Lawrence while he was roasted alive and make light of what I can't do anything about.  People treated me like, sorry to say, a crack whore, simply for being gaunt at the time, and living in a rooming house.  The rape event probably has had some strange effects on my self worth as a woman, considering the way life has been, and the way others perceived me in the past.  I still have demons to slay, but at least these are just purely psychological.

I hope to someday feel worthy as a citizen in a big city like Toronto.

-Saraƒin

UPDATE: Also focusing on targeting healing for my ENS and its relationship to the CNS and my overall nervous system.  What's tricky about my current state is a kind of psychological wonkiness that will make one idea through channel feel so real until another one that sounds better comes along.  Being an open channel to the Spirit all the time might also be wearing out my neurology - often I have days where I am bedridden and can barely do anything, I am addicted to channel, even when information received isn't the finest.  My subconscious feels strange, perhaps Spirit needs to be something I engage less of.  Whatever this is, it feels like aftermath, and things are better.  It's not exactly psychosis, but it probably seems that way based on these writings.  I believe I am gradually correcting everything, and despite having a weird tendency to channel both relevant and irrelevant insights about myself and other things, I usually function quite well, despite some exhaustion.  I must take a humble, student-like approach to my self understanding if I am to get to the bottom of this.

CBD updates and phenomena...

I had a bit of a Nancy Reagan moment for a while recently, when something came through channel that asked me not to do any more CBD, but later I came to realize it's another example of phenomena I am trying to free myself of.  The problem is, senses are heightened, and I can grow anxious if I think too much about things.  Analysis has helped me to stop overanalyzing most things, but I will still have days where I give things too much thought.  There is still work ahead, I am sure, to heal fully, but it looks like CBD is good as a tool for my treatment.  Interesting reactions where my spine goes erect have happened with it, I think something with the DMT might be reacting.  Part of me is considering what little I know about biochemistry, but I also have to consider what I know of traditions.  Sometimes, I feel like the presence of another deity, Sekhmet, is coming through - not exactly like a shapeshifting thing, but like I feel Her face about my head, like a ghostly mask.  This happened once the other day in a park where I was, hanging around some people - it's like She came through to tell me to move on, because they were losers.  Not sure if it is this goddess, but I listened.  I did have Egyptian imagery as visions years ago, it's coming back a bit now, as I heal.

Something else happening - I am having phenomena where it seems like I am talking to someone, but I am not sure how real it is.  When it comes to me, I engage it, and usually I get a response.  It brings me comfort to think it could be real, I take on the mindset of experimenting and treating things as though they are real, to see them through, like a role in a game.  I feel it is much better than ignoring them completely, which left me stuck in the past, when I was ignoring the likelihood that my demon was real.  I wonder what Dr. Jung would think of all this?  He'd either think I'm a wise fool or a mind lost in the unconscious.  At least I can balance my life to engage this at will.  I lead a simpler life now, but it isn't in turmoil.  I can still do my job, see friends, take care of things, be on top of bills.  Metatron, I believe, helped me to balance the Western way with this stuff.

I hope that once I am healed, I can know exactly how many gods are involved with all of this - it's kind of hard to tell.  I have learned to base understanding on results, not phenomena.  Meanwhile, Vishnu/Krishna's forehead marking keeps coming through spirit drawings, so once again I continue to pray to him.  If I am not meant to be Roman Catholic, perhaps I am only religious in that I devote my time and energy to Divinity in a way that borders on being religious, because I am immersed in this almost constantly.  Catholics, I doubt, would like a churchgoer who prays to many gods.  Do I even need an official path?  Spirit is crafting one for me, I don't feel any group is going to understand that right now.  Sometimes I think I'm really just meant to be Christian (and only Christian) with interesting experiences, but then something always makes me reconsider things again.

-Saraƒin

Milk and Honey...

Some interesting developments in my channeled drawings, after rigorous prayers to several sources.  Recalling some videos I saw on DMT, I considered the chemical reaction in the brain that happens when a person awakens - the "milk and honey" of the pituitary and pineal glands.  Neurotransmitters are excreted which combine in a process that allows for the process of enlightenment, among other things.  I am not an expert on this alchemical process (at least not from a neurological studies perspective), only that I know it must have happened to me at some point in 2006, albeit with negative sources affecting me at the time in the spirit world.  I mused over the idea a while back about a "DMT imbalance", but now I suspect that it's simply that something negative affected me while under this alchemical transformation, making me a doorway to bad sources.  I don't know if a DMT imbalance is even possible - that was probably a bad suspicion, I think my brain chemistry knows what it's doing.

After some use of CBD combined with prayers to Jesus, Metatron, and other sources, I began to later receive a spirit drawing of a symbol that basically looks like a circle with a vertical ellipse beneath it, with 3 droplets falling from the ellipse.  I would imagine this suggests to work greater with the neurological alchemy, in my prayers.  This also makes me hopeful that any strange neurological issue I have now is likely just a combination of exhaustion and an awkward stage of my brain's shifting chemistry, and not a serious thing like damage as I sometimes worry it might be.  It's hard to know for sure, and when I overanalyze things, it can influence the channel, leading to poor insights.  I am simply not yet sufficiently developed as a mind to bypass this, so I may provide "insights" on here from time to time that are utterly meaningless.  I have since prayed that the alchemy in the brain be free of all negativity lingering in the spiritual dimension (if any remains open from what I went through), and that it work with the Divine only to allow enlightenment in the brain, along with strengthening of any abilities I have, or any betterment in me it can provide.  Today has been a good day for mental health.

I have put away the CBD for a while, since then, for a little break.  I want to see how things unfold in the brain - plus, my lungs could use a break.  It has felt slightly better in my neurology as of late, probably because of CBD and other means of healing.  It certainly is a lot better than it was at the beginning of the year, when I was hospitalized.  I channeled that I will be able to pick up THC again at some point, but that I must not jump the gun, of course.  I am very cautious after what I have endured.

-Saraƒin

Trance...

Reminiscing on some of the breathtaking, fascinating odysseys I took into my mind while smoking THC, which I compared to what Dr. Carl Jung described as active imagination states, I wonder if they were rudimentary trance journeying development stages, where my mind was beginning to explore these experiences, but because it was only just beginning to open, not much came of them but exotic (and often comedic) mind visuals - not much was delivering profound insight.  Then, as I kept smoking, they became less inspiring, and ultimately a total mess of weird psychic input and distortion - smoking THC became little more than a bad trip, where I would need someone to talk me down, among other things, to chill out.  In fact, the last time I tried THC, it started off with a helium-style voice chirruping "BAD TRIP!  BAD TRIP!  BAD TRIP!", proceeded by extreme mental confusion, anxiety from outer space, and visionary input that was extremely chaotic and unpleasant.  So THC was something I said goodbye to, at least for now, and CBD, which I recently discovered I can enjoy, became a healer for me.

But from what I know about the "shamanic initiatory crisis", which is a kind of spiritual emergency that I think what I have gone through at least mirrors, the old self has to be broken down and basically reinvented for the new self to step forward, sometimes with interesting spiritual abilities that come of it.  I would imagine I am over the worst of it, and am stepping into the light.  What once felt like two steps forward, one step back, now seems much better than that, and though things are rather gradual, I seem to be doing a fine job healing myself.  The Akashic Records were something I only just opened to in 2018, so I imagine that if I come to experience trance states in a refined way one day, I will get some amazing downloads from this source now.  I am just not sure, if I have refinement of these states coming, how I would enter them and remain grounded.  Maybe I would be able to do THC again in a later stage... I am not jumping to try anytime soon, right now is a time about healing, more than anything else.  Psilocybin is something else to consider, but I am concerned that if a trip is bad under psilocybin, I would have to wait a good 8 hours to get out of it - the good news about bad THC trips is that they only last up to a couple of hours, usually.  Mostly, I am concentrating on prayer and meditation, and psychic input in sober states... if trance states are to be something I witness again, I want to be prepared for them.  No more mental hospitals, please!

Man, how I used to love listening to silly techno trance music while exploring this psychedelic phenomena - one of my faves was "Born Slippy" by Underworld, which now has a special place in my heart as a song that I played repeatedly when all of this began.  Something about certain electronic rhythms puts my mind into an otherworldly headspace... if melody is attached, and it hits me the right way, that just adds to it, inspiring the mind to go into itself and explore.  I find electronic music more powerful for invoking altered states than using a traditional drum, because the sounds make it more ethereal, which just increases the depth of the experience.  A faster, steadier rhythm is also more exciting to me than a slower one.  Usually, trance music has shitty lyrics, but that doesn't matter because I don't usually listen to lyrics when I play a song, anyway.  I just ignore what they mean, treating them like just another instrument.  Poetry isn't something I'm invested in because 9/10 times a poem's message goes over my head, due to the way that I think.  I simply can't hear what the English is telling me when it's structured like a poem, and that includes musical lyrics.  Pulp is a band where I understand what the song is saying, because they tell little stories in their songs... but when it comes to most bands, please don't ask me what a song is about.  Usually I'm confused.

Good news from my psychic mentor - he got a new store location, and it's 4 times bigger than the last one!  Also, I deduced that the Vishnu forehead marking symbol was actually representing Krishna, so for the sake of experimentation, I am uttering a few more prayers to Him again.

(Honestly, this is the only kind of stuff I tended to listen to when I tranced out.)

(I would also very much like to trance out to this song!)

-Saraƒin

Updates on the CBD front...

I had abandoned smoking CBD marijuana in favor of using the drops instead, but have since gone back to smoking it.  After trying two bottles of drops overtime, at various doses, I can't say I got any sense it was making any difference in my neurological state - I had a suspicion at first that it was, but I think it was just placebo, because as I kept doing it I didn't feel much of anything.  So, I went back to a local dispensary and got another 3.5 g baggy of Pure Sun CBD, rolled a joint, and felt what was missing.  I do get a gentle high from this stuff, and find that the after effects mean my psyche feels that much stronger later on, after every other session.  It's of course not a weird state where I go to a strange place mentally (this has virtually no THC in it), it's instead a relaxed bliss state, where I feel extremely at ease, like the soul itself is high.

My suspicion as to why smoking it, in my case, is so much better than drops (and possibly edibles, not yet sure about vaping) is for the same reason that smudge works the way it does as a spiritual medicine - fire releases the spirit of the plant, not just the chemicals, to do any healing.  Scientists tend to only look at the significance of what is chemically going on in these substances, but there are deeper levels involved, especially when you use plant medicine ritualistically.  I open with a prayer to Mary that Jesus help to work with the plant, along with angels Metatron and Raphael, for healing and growth.  I have noticed more acute changes in recent use, and my mood has been excellent.  Also, something else strange but wonderful - barely any coughing!  Normally marijuana smoke makes me hack and cough like my lung is about to fly out, but lately it goes down easily.  Perhaps adjustments in my soul mean my body is better at handling this, as long as I am using it in a medicinal way.

Harsh on the lungs or not, I see this treatment as temporary, and my lungs bounced back quickly from last time, so I'm sure they will again.  (I may just have to be all the more cautious amid the COVID-19 thing, as a pot smoker.)  Besides, I like bonding with the plant by rolling joints, sniffing the bud, all the stuff that was nice ritualistically when I used to use THC recreationally.  That's completely missing with other methods.  Spirit encourages this as a means of healing things that are just not quite right in me, and says it's temporary.  I can't do THC at all anymore, I think, because it goes so strange and disturbing, but CBD seems like the complete opposite.

-Saraƒin

Yin and Yang (and Yang's influence on the Earth)...

I'm not one who has studied Daoism very much, so this post might not be the greatest, at least when compared to what a brilliant Daoist would have to say.  But I will give it a shot, based on new channeled messages, and my own interpretation of things.  This may be a subject I'll return to on the horizon, as I refine my senses, though transformation, and make new conclusions about things.

Following up on the update I made to my recent Pluto post, it's time to comment on Yang and its effect on this planet.  Pluto, as I received through channel, is a flaw in the natural order of the solar system, an aggravator that has the unfortunate effect of generating excessive Yang on another dimension that directly impacts this dimension.  As a result, excess Yang is responsible for the ills of planet Earth, and nature is out of sorts.  In the human world, we are not in alignment with nature at all, we polarize towards a patriarchy that is extremely toxic and ravages the world of Her resources.  Too much Yang makes us aggressive, insane, horny, greedy... the masculinity of the world, once a proud king, is now a raving lunatic.  It's also at the point now where not only is it infuriatingly disgusting, it's kind of oddly wimpy about it - the Hierophant in charge is repulsive to behold, where men like Donald Trump are in power, beyond all logic.  Yang is exhausted, looking mighty pathetic where it might have once still been proud and powerful, even when it was in other destructive stages.  This sad looking Yang is a sign that it's on the decline, ultimately.

Probably one of the biggest contributing factors to poor mental health is the excessive Yang in the world.  It aggravates us in many ways me may not even pick up on.  Now, more than ever, people report mental health conflicts, be they as common as depression and anxiety, or as complex as psychosis.  The best way to ultimately move beyond these conflicts is to frame the mind as something malleable, these states as transient, and to work with whatever works for you in medicine with a means of aligning with the Spirit.  The goal should not be elimination of suffering per se, as much as it should be transcendence.

Overabundant Yang in another dimension, I think, was likely what my demon was - it presented to me as an entity, because of the way humans perceive - they see symbols, characters, personalities.  We perceive like actors in a play, this world is one big movie to us, and it's at a weird point where many of us don't like the plot anymore (because we don't know where it's going yet), and we're heckling it.  The demon was my villain, I have defeated it - for whatever reason, I was meant to face it, and now see its presence in my life as something that was of fate, and that ultimately taught me lessons of self reliance and betterment.  I think that perhaps Yin and Yang have been complicated for me - maybe my illness, that which remains of it, is something weird with overabundant Yang.  Seeing as this thing got inside of me, it would make sense it disrupted the natural balance of those two forces.  A new thing to concentrate my prayers on, I've decided.

Humans, not likely to ever evolve to understand everything, should take a humble approach in their relationship to the world.  Ideas are complicated right now, Yang has us trapped in mentalities that take on an arrogant rigidity, we have forgotten the inner child and are lost in what we deem relevant or appropriate for this age.  It's like a bitter old man who demands things be done to conform to an impossible set of ideals is in control of everything, and he's looking very foolish right now.  Science, never likely to be exactly what it aspires to be (the truly knowable being ultimately unknowable) is better suited as a discipline that pursues proof, rather like how the yogi attempts to achieve enlightenment, something that in itself never stops unfolding.

I made the analogy that the fate of Yang is like the fate of the wave crashing upon the shore - sooner or later, it gives out, Yin takes over, and the wave retreats back into the ocean.  Yin, in the troubled dimension, will correct Yang, and this will reflect with time in our dimension.  I feel 2020 has been a power year so far, as far as signs that nature may be on the brink of beginning to reclaim things for Herself.  From fungus that eats radiation growing inside of the Chernobyl reactor, to other fascinating patterns emerging in nature, Yin is creeping into things again.

-Saraƒin