New ideas about my path based on channeled writings...

Concentrating on Sekhmet to see where working with Her takes me, I got some very clear spirit writings in my book of channeled messages about what's going on (or, at least that suggest what's going on).  The notes urge me to consider myself pagan and that Sekhmet is whom I should consider my patron deity, that I am not to be a Christian, but that Christian practice did help immensely, as Jesus and Mary are gods willing to help anyone in need.  Writings also urged me not to see Jesus as my god, but as my friend, and that He will still help me when I call to Him.  I have spent years trying to attune with various techniques, petitioning many gods and sources for aid in my healing, and I suppose several sources answered a prayer here or there.  The notes also told me that the glowing sensation in my chest is an open heart centre, which the Source is in conversation with, something that happened when I invoked Jesus... not the "Sacred Heart" or anything like that.

I guess this is no real surprise since my practice has looked remarkably pagan based on some of my techniques and how my altar looks, but I was not working enough with the correct god (or in this case, goddess) for my needs.  I see no conflict in still doing some of what I did before with rosary and other practises of other religious traditions - after all, a combination of the Yoruba religion and Roman Catholicism birthed Santeria.  If there are any hard rules as to what's what in spirituality, I imagine there are very few.  I am probably best suited to research plant medicines more and their correct usage, while Sekhmet helps to heal me.  I already seem slightly more relaxed overall since recent practice to grow closer to Her.  I switched from regularly wearing the "Benny Crux" to an ankh to feel things, though I still wear a rosary and mala beads on my wrist to remind me of other influences.

Christian practice and eastern philosophy wasn't a mistake to take on as part of my personal ritual - I feel it helped shape me in character and power, my mind improved, my confidence strengthened, among other things.  In an initiatory way, it was good training for getting to the "fun stuff" like psychic ability and spirit communication.  But the writings are being very clear to me now - do not continue down the path of a Christian, it won't serve you, know that Christ will be a source that helps, but that the religion is not for people like me.  Teenage me, oddly enough, I guess knew I would be doing this stuff legitimately someday, but there were dark times ahead I had to get through to amount to something other than a casualty.  (I am not going Wiccan now, since that religion tends to frown on Jesus and Mary, and I owe these gods a great deal.  I am going to forge my own practice based on what proves to be effective in my case... it has worked enough so far.)

I can't even define this stuff anymore in me, except that it's become structurally pagan, and yet its own thing too, borrowing from other traditions that marry well with it.  I suppose this is the way deeper spirituality is for many.  Immersing myself in constant engagement with the soul has paid off - I am never truly lonely, I am mostly quite happy with life (even with a low income), and I feel satisfied that even if I found out that soon I might die of some terrible disease, life has been enough of a trip that it might not be so tragic.  I have learned a lot about myself in only 38 years on this planet.  Old age, if I get there, might even be a hoot.

Perhaps, to be an effective practitioner in what I am pursuing with the soul, I needed to try many things, see what worked and what didn't, and have that much more inner knowledge to fall back on.  Some would consider the pursuit of inner knowledge a lofty, perhaps impossible goal, but I have unlocked something and the wisdom that pours forth sometimes is at the very least fascinating.

Sister Penance is a very naughty nun indeed, and is never gonna get canonized now!  xD

-Saraƒin

"Red Lady"...

 

I made this painting of Sekhmet today.  I snapped a slightly better pic today after a few touchups, but again, this Samsung phone camera leaves something to be desired, and it never was the finest at capturing pictures, so it's not doing the line work justice here.  Just something I tackled spontaneously without much planning, got the itch to create so I took advantage of it.  Acrylics on canvas, with imitation gold lead and marker.

Trying to find a Sekhmet statue, and do you think any metaphysical store has any?!  I settled with ordering one through the Occult Shop.  I used to see Her everywhere... now, nothing.  I was actually gifted a Sekhmet necklace and silver ankh and passed them on to a friend before the wild phenomena with this goddess began... now I have regrets but I don't dare upset my friend.  That ain't right.

An unwanted spiritual visitor came by today - just some pesky spirit, but I was able to resolve it within half an hour.  It was just a creepy feeling coupled with a message to tackle the issue.  St. Michael and prayers to Sekhmet with white sage seemed to do the trick.  See, I DO need to use white sage after all!  xD

-Saraƒin

Lessons from observing false gurus...

Humility is important.  I was watching a rather bizarre episode of Dr. Phil today at work (don't ask - let's just say we only get an antenna and maybe 3 functioning channels, and sometimes I will watch trash television there and heckle it under my breath).  This episode featured a lady who was running a bizarre new age cult.  She seemed like a typical example of a kundalite who had likely reached a certain level but has experienced complications or a kind of spiritual lunacy, something that can lead to false gurus starting up things like this.  I have been terrified of falling into some kind of mind trip like that, where I may self-aggrandize due to my weirder, more otherworldly experiences, so to avoid any wackjob shit that goes too far I pop a low dose of an antipsychotic to ride out the wilder phenomena until everything is stabilized, and I approach the whole thing with a great deal of humility and humour.

This blog is my opportunity to discuss the phenomena of spiritual emergency, and the process of healing and learning from it, while making an art piece that is more self exploratory than anything else, and I hope I have achieved that.  Some of the stages of many forms of spiritual emergency can mirror psychosis or mania, and when psychiatry gets involved, it can get all the more confusing if doctors are ill informed.  It took reframing everything as the spiritual crisis it actually was to really grab the bull by the horns and get somewhere with healing, and that has required a rigorous daily practice.  At this point, the old feelings of dread are completely gone, and what's left is perhaps a slight awkwardness to channeled insights, and mild confusion over the nature of everything going on inside of me.  Maybe I have jumped the gun here and there with some of my writings, assuming too much of invocation events, without knowing necessarily of the influence of a new divinity.  Sometimes I delete an old article when I am just not sure about it anymore, wanting to edit my catalog of events.  One has to be cautious with mental phenomena, but I am a psychic in training, and I kind of needed phenomena to help navigate the complications, using it to self analyze and heal my situation, so it's tricky, and I have to rely on consistency of information.  Accurately reading oneself is one of the hardest things a psychic can do.  Practice, patience, humility.

One deity that keeps coming through in phenomena in a powerful way, throwing off the self interpretation of my personal path yet again, is Sekhmet.  Sometimes it feels almost like I am taking on a ghostly sense of Her form, not quite a shapeshifting thing, but an awareness of Her presence, which comes through if She's (apparently) speaking through a channeled message.  The ankh is once again featured in my spirit drawings, as much as the cross has been.  Phenomena with Sekhmet first appeared back in late 2006 with a few visions and voices, but came back in this year in a more powerful way.  After doing some practice with offerings and prayer, She's feeling slightly closer.  So I'm thinking that, like Christ, She's another real influence.  Not all have come through this strongly - perhaps some answer a prayer here or there if petitioned enough, while others are meant to be gods I turn to often.  Like a Hindu, I feel the more gods the merrier.  (Something else to add - the cobra is an animal affiliated with Sekhmet, so perhaps there's something to be said in that regard about my situation as well.)

And on that note, I have decided against RCIA Catholic school after all.  First off, at work, my "Benny Crux" (St. Benedict medal crucifix) broke at the clasp and slid to the floor, my Miraculous Medal of the Virgin Mary breaking with it, and then I channeled "You are not meant to be in my church but we are friends".  My first class was later that night, and while sitting in the lecture hall, a channeled message came through laughing, telling me that I would be sooooo bored in this course, and would never find a comfortable place in the Catholic church.  I mean, duh - I guess everyone was trying to tell me that, but I had to see it this way.  Experiences with Catholic imagery and objects intoxicated me, so I was in love with the idea for a while, but it's unlikely my mystical encounters would mean much to a bunch of celibate priests who don't like the idea of women having power in the church.  St. Teresa of Avila I am not to them, but I can still go to these environments as a tourist.  I also channeled that I am more like a monk than a nun ... one of my friends compared me to a beguine.

So, while I am not sure how to slot myself as a soul, there's now a "pagan" bent to some of my practice, with the influence of Sekhmet.  The seeking continues, but at least it seems the illness is continually backing off.

-Saraƒin

PS: I had discussed Lucifer being a possible influence that I recently shed, later deleting the article as I just wasn't sure.  It's possible I was correct in my assumption, since much has stilled since that time.  Night and day... the feelings of dread and soul crushing anxiety I would feel at night are gone.  So, it's possible.  There's more hope in me now than ever before.

Leather nun habit + my feelings on certain spiritual arguments...

I bought latex... I bought cloth... now I want a leather nun habit!  I am looking into how I could obtain one on a budget, I don't want to spend more than $1000 on the complete outfit if I can avoid it - $800 would be more reasonable.  Because I financially benefited from CERB and not spending very much during this past while, I kind of want to treat myself to something, and thought that I need to expand my "holy" wardrobe, so why not?  Long sleeve leather dresses are available that are not very expensive on sites like Etsy (maybe $300 for one), and I could easily hire someone to make the nun accessories to go with it.  I called Northbound Leather in Toronto but they were charging too high for what I desired, so someone I know is going to ask a friend who works with this material and see what they would charge.  I don't know where I am going with this Sister Penance persona, but I want to look the part!

Also, I want to briefly discuss something that is very popular in spiritual conversation these days, something that has been getting on my nerves as someone who has had to rely on self-exploration with plant medicines to heal myself from spiritual sickness (all on my own because I never found a teacher for this specific thing).  It's become a trend to slam non-natives for using white sage and identifying with power animals, and I kind of have a problem with how aggressive some of these arguments have become.  Firstly, let's tackle the white sage one:

White sage is often the go to plant for ceremonial use of smudge in Anishinaabe ritual, such as healing circles, to name one example.  It has become "trendy" to criticize non-natives, especially white people, for burning white sage in this way.  I find this rather ridiculous, at least in the arguments I have seen presented, because every elder I have ever discussed my spiritual health with (and I have talked to 3 elders on and off, and many other First Nations people, many of whom live in my building) have suggested white sage and other plant medicines to me as treatments for my situation - in fact, they recommend it for pretty much everyone as a means of maintaining spiritual hygiene.  I don't know who these angry people are who say it is so wrong for a person like me to engage in using this plant medicine for personal usage, but that is not the tone I have gotten from the Anishinaabe community.  Sweetgrass helped save me from the situation with the demon, tobacco has healed me through use of it with prayer, and white sage was been good for calming me during a bad day.  Anishinaabe are the experts on their usage, and should be the go to people for advice on working with plant medicine, but to attack other groups for using it properly is absurd to me.  Where is there a problem when sacred medicine is used with respect?

Next: power animals.  Yes, it's obnoxious when non-natives describe a Pokemon as their "power animal" or whatever, but what about when it's something personally meaningful to the individual?  Look, I get power animals - they are not just something you identify with because you like it, you must have a profound encounter with this animal through journeying for it to be the kind of thing that is discussed in spirituality in the more legitimate sense.  But this is an experience not bound to any specific culture - though more significant in some cultures than others, it can also be significant in an individual.  Ask virtually any anthropologist, qualified psychologist who has studied world culture, or legitimate medicine person - "shamans"/healers/seers/etc (or those qualified to work as one) can be of any race, and though they are more prevalent in some parts of the world than others, those who get the call will find that it's not uncommon for an animal to come to be associated with their soul.  When you are called by the gods to work with them, it's real, even if you're white.  There is some basic commonality to this experience, perhaps different groups have different terms or interpretations of it, but it happens to many initiates.  So as someone who had powerful experiences as I felt my soul take on the form of a cobra (and am still looking to make sense of it), and who has wrestled through an intense dark night of the soul that lasted over a decade, healing myself as I crawled out of spiritual sickness, I am bored and insulted when someone says I should call this a "fursona" or a "patronus".  Great, so I should name it after something a TERF came up with - no thank you.  Indigenous culture is long overdue for greater respect, and I would be one of the first to say so, as bored as I am with colonialism, but so does individual experience deserve respect.  To ignore someone's story is also a mistake.

Systemic racism is impossible against whites, but stereotyping them is still possible, and seems to be a trend.  Though I like to throw around the word "honkey" on here, it's a pain in the ass when someone assumes I can't have a meaningful spiritual life simply because I'm caucasian.  I feel that cultural appropriation is negative when it causes a group or culture harm, or is exploitative, like when a non-native sells Anishinaabe ceremony for profit, but when someone is personally adopting practice that comes out of a place of respect, and helps them to feel better about their life, where's the harm?  That being said, white privilege is real, and the irritation I feel when someone criticizes me for using white sage is nothing compared to what indigenous communities endure on a daily basis, I acknowledge that.

-Saraƒin

My feelings about the art world...

I have recently wrestled with my desire to continue pursuing art as any kind of lucrative career, a feeling which seemed to come from the passing of my late father.  Something about losing a person very close to me caused me to re-examine my own mortality, my life, and drove me to want to heal myself completely, as quickly as possible.  My soul took the front seat of my priorities, and so my attention shifted from pursuing a career in visual arts to remedying my situation.  Writings continued with projects like this blog, the comic was completed, but visual art hasn't been something I have engaged in as much in recent years.  For whatever reason, I am just not feeling it.

Part of this is likely due to the fact that I have come to understand the commercial art world as a machine I have no interest in being a part of.  I am very self aware that I am not a technical master, I might have been had I followed through with a higher art education, but I decided that I was fine with the level I reached, it was sufficient to tell the story I wanted to craft with my comics, and that perhaps too much school might have killed the soul behind the art.  There is something about art school, when I did take a year of it, that was crushing my spirits, and I felt that everything was about technique, and little was about meaning.  I left, deciding I would just make my comics anyway, and see where it took me, not wanting to destroy the passion.

I once loved convention time, now it's hard to bring myself to do comic conventions, I find them to be a world where I am an outsider peddling a niche product that would appeal to some, but I will never be a big league player, and I don't want to be.  Indie zine fairs are more fun to me, I love seeing what the underdog has to say in print.  A flashy, well executed, compelling narrative, in film or comics, does have appeal when it reaches me, but the fact that so much formula is behind how it is crafted kills it for me, in some ways.  I am much more pleased by effortless creativity in the arts, that comes from the muses and little more, even if it isn't perfect technically, because I see a soul expressing itself, rather than a product designed for mass appeal, backed by psychologists, flow charts and graphs, which is how Pixar does it.  It robs art of its humanity, and I don't want any part of that world, no matter how much money I could get from being involved in it.  Soulless.  

There's something about being a commercial artist that destroys the joy the inner child feels when expressing oneself - it becomes about productivity and pleasing the client, and art isn't allowed, often enough, to be about raw expression anymore, and exploring one's personal humanity.  I have tried to be an illustrator for hire, I got gigs here and there, and loathed it.  I have decided I will likely only create to please and express my soul, and for no other reason, even if it kills my likelihood of having a lucrative career.  The soul is in command of my life, and I will obey her, when she decides something for me, and this includes my work.  Children, as unrefined as they are stylistically, know something about art that adults forget, and I knew I would lose this completely if I subjected myself to a full art education, and I absolutely refuse to let that happen.  Let technique improve out of self exploration, not of the discipline of what is known to work from professionals who write the rules.  Allow originality to flow out of experimentation, art for the sake of self expression, not to please the common observer and disappear into a mass of art that all looks exactly the same.  This means more to me than being a wizard.  I am on a hiatus, I am not sure how long it will last, but I don't want to push myself to lose what remains of my love of being creative.

I'm also not invested in digital art, a medium I respect as far as what can be produced with it, but I see it everywhere, and I feel it is, like many things computers have brought, rather soulless.  I also fear data loss, and find the idea of not being able to sell an original piece (you can only ever sell a print with digital art) less satisfying, both for me and for the customer.  I don't own a tablet and I don't care to take on that kind of art, if I can avoid it.  "Asylum Squad" was drawn with pen and ink, and tones later digitally added, but that's it.  I can't stand how computers have infiltrated art as much as they have, and I wish cinema would rely on puppetry more than CGI when it makes sense a puppet would give it a finer, more worldly quality.  I am such a luddite, I don't care about what a computer can do - I stopped caring after "Toy Story 2".

Right now, I will make things for use with my spiritual practice, I will do Hallowe'en costumes, I will paint here and there, but it's only when I am moved to do so.  I don't believe art was meant to be a product, yet here we are, and I am unmoved by what the modern age has to offer in many ways.  I think one exception to how I feel about computers taking over is certain forms of electronic music which I find interesting due to the unique sounds synthesizers can make, but when it comes to visual arts, I am frustrated by what is coming of everything.  If I carve out an art career despite my desire to turn my nose up at technology, so be it, but in the meantime, I will only focus on meaningful projects.

-Saraƒin

Recent magickal spells...

This is basically just going to be an update on things, mainly to discuss recent magickal spells I have worked with.  Let's start with the funny one:

My sister is catsitting, and the owner of this furry house guest hasn't surfaced yet to collect his animal.  The cat is spraying all over her apartment, her allergies are acting up, and things have become a bit of a conundrum at her end.  Since this animal is too dignified for diapers, my sister asked me to work some magick on the situation.  I had been out of town for several days, which I'll get to later on in this post, but when I got home I used a basic candle spell with some intention objects to make sure the cat stops spraying everywhere, and that things go smoothly, that the owner resurface, collecting the feline.  Some of the sources I prayed to for this included St. Gertrude (the patron saint of cats), St. Francis of Assisi, Sekhmet, the Great Goddess, Christ, and the Spirit itself.  Today I got a message that things seem to be turning around, so I guess it worked, as the cat only sprayed one more time, and then stopped.  My magick works!

I also cast a spell to try and work with healing and freeing myself of all remaining complications, something I was doing with prayer and through other means, but I also wanted to try with a candle spell.  I must now wait things out for this one, it's still underway.  I am doing much better as of late, marijuana has helped immensely with my mind.  I got the message that things will be a little wonky regardless of what I do, for a while, until enough time has passed, after what I have been through.  The demon destroyed the structure of my mind, and it has been rebuilding, a lengthly process.  My prescription marijuana appointment is tomorrow, and though I finally tried a vape I find it just isn't spiritually the same thing as it is when smoking it, so I may have to just accept my lungs will be funny for a while, until I no longer need this.  But the brain feels splendid.

So, I was out of town for my stepdad's 80th birthday, and we had a social distancing party to celebrate.  It was a surprise party, Mom had organized that a line of cars pass by the house, honking and giving out presents.  It was very touching for him, and eclipsed the Kitchener-Waterloo area Oktoberfest parade in some ways, but that's no real stretch because Oktoberfest is not very interesting as far as parades go.  I did some readings on the two felines there and Luigi the big black cat is only on his first life, hence why he is not the brightest.  Lola, the ghost tabby, has psychic powers, can sense spirits, and got this from her last life, where she was a human.  Something went wrong, and a dark force she was working with in that society caused her karma to go strange, so she returned as a house cat, and is not nuts about it.  The reading went on to say that she's not impressed when people talk down to her like an animal, but will get used to it, midlife, and return as a human again after this life.  Karma's a bitch!

Also while I was out of town, I got caught up a little on 'Orange is the New Black' episodes, a show I was slightly into because it is about institutional living, even though it's prison, not the mental hospital.  I sometimes feel I lived 'OITNB', Thorazine edition, with the way my life went for a while.  Analyzing the characters, I see Nicky in my persona, and Yoga Jones in my soul.  My favourite character by far is Pennsatucky.  Though in this show the most beloved characters are the inmates, it doesn't translate so well in the real world, and I wonder how much I am still secretly judged because of my past.  I have to go the extra mile and be Wonder Woman to live a semi normal life in the social sense.  Oh well, it taught me patience with humanity, and resilience.

I'm starting RCIA classes soon, just out of curiosity.  This is basically Catholic class.  I think they would find me too wild for their church, but it's worth getting some insight into the religion anyway, perhaps even just for personal practice, if I don't choose to confirm.  A close friend is taking them with me, even though she's already in the church.

Hope that the cat pee spell continues to work!  :0

-Saraƒin

Hallowe'en costume for 2020 verdict: Pope Joan!

Today I decided that I'm going to dress like the mythical (legendary?) female Catholic ruler, Pope Joan.  I have a lot of fun when I make religious costumes (which are usually warmer to wear anyway, for the fall, as they tend to be modest) so at work today, while thinking about Hallowe'en, I thought about how fun it would be to go as her.  My earlier choice was Lynda Carter style Wonder Woman, but my body isn't right for that skimpy outfit (too much gut!) so I decided to play it modest again... plus, Wonder Woman is such a common thing to see on Hallowe'en, or at comic conventions.  So Pope Joan it is.  I just bought a priest robe from Wish.com that should do the trick, and I will construct a pope hat from scratch, and possibly a crook to carry.  Not that hard a costume, and probably easy enough to make look really good.

I kind of get off going out for walks in this wretched, soulless city dressed as extravagant things, holy icons... fuck being sexy on the 31st.  Kiss my motherfucking feet, sinners.  I'm the goddamn She Pope this year.  Can't wait!

-Saraƒin