Holy masochists, sacred queers, and other things...

(This article is sure to tick off members of the Roman Catholic Church, but I figured I would write it anyway, due to things I have been channeling about various saints and holy figures.)

St. Lawrence is considered one of the toughest martyrs in the church, because - while being roasted alive, he smirked and uttered: "Turn me over - I'm done on this side".  The church would likely argue that the Holy Spirit filled him with the power to withstand excruciating pain... but was there something else going on?

I have channeled many times over that the historical Jesus was a masochist who was able to withstand the crucifixion because He enjoyed at least some degree of pain and humiliation.  I had also channeled that, in general, proclivities can arise out of sufferings from previous lifetimes playing out as kinks in the current life, to help the soul to therapeutically resolve past life traumas, but some kinks can also be in a person to help guide the soul through troubles ahead that are innate in the fate of the individual.  If a soul is destined to be a martyr, they might have something in them that allows them to process the pain a bit more easily... in short, God comforts the soul with something the church likely wouldn't want people to embrace in themselves: an erotic desire that would fit right in with the modern day fetish scene.

I am certain that the Holy Spirit has a hand in making everything that much easier - not many are masochistic enough to handle being roasted alive.  But I wonder, based on what St. Lawrence uttered, if there was already a quality of masochism in him, one that the Holy Spirit worked with to make the horror of the end of his life all the more tolerable.  This is a debatable topic and fundamentalists would want to take me to task over this, but I believe in a loving God who not only loves the kinkster, but might even create kinks in the person to soften the blows of their soul's personal journey.

Now, onto queerness: I consulted this with my very close friend, who is trans, to make sure there was nothing problematic about a (mostly) cisgendered woman such as myself discussing it.  It is common knowledge that many shamans have been trans, or have in some way been unusual sexually, or present an otherness that sets them apart.  I chalk it up to them being ancient souls who have lived many lives as many people, been both sexes, which likely has influenced gender down the line.  They are not confused, they are in fact more aware in some ways, having been many people, these people's qualities influencing many components of their current life, and this can include gender identity and sexuality.  Shamans kind of have to be ancient to be shamans, so it makes sense that if many shamans are trans, it's arguable that being trans could also be a sign of an old soul.

I have also channeled that St. Joan of Arc was trans, not a cross dresser, as many have concluded due to Joan wearing male clothes, which this saint insisted on and considered holy.  Many saints have had their queerness erased by the church, in favor of a watered down image that suggests a kind of sexual purity that the Catholics consider ideal.  St. Bacchus and St. Sergius were lovers, St. Aelred of Rievaulx, the patron saint of friendship, was believed to be gay.  Even King David from the Bible is argued to be at least bisexual.  I am not sure how much the church consciously covers up when considering a person for canonization, but I am sure there are a lot of insights about the saint in question that are left out in their life story, once presented to the public.  If Jesus Himself can be whitewashed to the degree He is in art, why not this?

I am mostly recovered from the assault now, BTW - the bruising didn't get that bad, and I only needed to pop pain killers twice.  I have had a few moments of being emotionally sensitive from the fear of what could have been, had this been uglier, had the group had weapons, but I need to let that go.  That's just the mind teaching me to be more careful next time.  Now I know not to be sassy if a group gangs up on me again.  (My Dad was guilty of this kind of thing in life as well, but he never got beaten for it.)  The man I was in another life was a fighter pilot in a world war, he wants to put idiots in their place, but he is housed this time around in an out of shape female body that doesn't know how to fight.  Better to be meek and alive than bold and in a casket.  I will leave immediately if anything like this ever happens again.  (Mars retrograde is in Aries right now, so maybe that negatively influenced things for me.)

-Saraƒin

UPDATE: I probably won't pursue a case with the assault, even though people have been saying I should.  I guess they don't get what life is like in the projects.  The restaurant was nearby, and I don't get if this group lives in the hood, is affiliated with a gang (even though they were likely in their early 20s, not very bright, and the girl who kicked me was more violent than she was skilled at fighting).  I do NOT need to be a gang target if I put one of them in prison and they find out where I live.  I cannot trust the police to protect me because of my lower class status, and I want to avoid being involved with them.  Also, with racial tension as it is, I don't want to be the white girl who sends the black girl to prison, even if she did do what she did.  I am trying to live a quiet life without much of anything to complicate things, not even pursuing ambitious things, and a court battle would disrupt my situation, making me feel vulnerable.  I say, walk away.  If she was this violent over absolutely nothing, she will likely be in prison for something else someday anyway.  Ego would want to press charges, Self says leave it alone.

Fuck it - I cursed the bitch who beat me up...

While I was shaking in the ER, all battered and bruised, I got a message through channel, where I could feel Sekhmet come through as a ghostly presence, saying "Go after her - I give you permission to curse the girl who kicked you in the head".  So I did.

Seeing as I couldn't impressively retaliate with self defence at the time, and since I don't trust police services to do their job, I pulled a Haitian style move instead.  I made a poppet out of a piece of black felt and sewed a tag to it, requesting that Sekhmet destroy this cunt.  Then I anointed it with tobacco prayers to become a link to the woman in question, smearing it in dragon's blood resin powder.  I stabbed it with pins, heated in a blessed flame offered to Sekhmet, commanding atrocity into her life.  When I was done with that, I took it to the stove and set it on fire.  Sekhmet came through again, and said "This is underway now", and I should be getting updates as to how the cunt's life deteriorates.

I would only do something like this if a God/Goddess asked me to, or if they give permission if I desire it.  In this case, being kicked to shit in the head, already ravaged by other problems, was so angering for the lioness goddess, that She couldn't care less about this loser girl's life, and She gave me the green light.  I don't like the idea of hexing with demons - it can go wrong, I see it as low brow, but with Divinity - I say bring it, if the punishment fits the crime.  I may be a lamb because of Christ, but I am also a cobra because of Sekhmet.

I will never know if this worked but I have to say I felt some satisfaction when that doll went up in flames.  I am tired of life shitting on me and if I can fuck a bad bitch up with magick for assaulting me, when I am already trying to recover from other things, so be it.  

Burn in hell, maggot.

-Saraƒin

Assaulted: 2020 finally laid into me...

Oh god, what a fucking night.

I just got home from the hospital, where I was looking to get a CATscan after some honkey haters surrounded me at a local restaurant, and one shoved me to the ground and began kicking me in the head.  I took off before she could do any serious visible damage, but my head now feels swollen and it's probably going to bruise badly.  I have too much pride - I should have backed away but I felt like sassing back at this psychopath because of the shit I have been through over the years, and she attacked me.  Foolish.  Do not try to reason with a violent idiot.  They were calling me names like "white shit" - I never thought white bashing would happen to me, I tend to be gentle in my demeanour, but there you go.  (Perhaps my gentle demeanour is something she wanted to hurt.)  I was quivering but it wasn't fear - it was adrenaline, which pumps so bad in me when I'm angry it makes me look nervous.  That cunt was a shit Jungian because that wasn't fear in my eyes, that was a mind appalled at little girls behaving badly, trying to restrain itself.

It really worries me because I already have neurological sensitivity and am vulnerable a lot when I am alone, so the shock made me panic, and I was terrified once she began kicking me.  I ran to some cops and reported it - they called an ambulance.  I started seeing geometric shapes in my field of vision.  This blew $45 on that ambulance which led to me just getting some Tylenols and Advils at the hospital.  The doctor said I didn't need the CATscan.  If I have a concussion, I hope it doesn't add to what's already wrong with me.  

Fuck Toronto.  I support BLM but this is bullshit.  I am not some bougie white girl who talks shit about POC - I live in the projects.  (I prayed the rosary in the ER and that seemed to calm me down, I didn't even need an Ativan.)

I'm going to be sore tomorrow.

-Saraƒin

On my own: Recovering from spiritual assault (without any real assistance)...

I am feeling very weary again.  I think my nervous system is still quite shot - I cry a lot, and want to retreat to my room and talk to the Spirit to coax me out of pain.  The battle I had with the demon was so brutal that it must have affected me in some profound way that medicine just doesn't understand, and I feel I will never get adequate help, and that I must continually just work to heal myself, not being able to rely on anyone.  Though this teaches me self reliance, it also makes me weary, and sometimes I lose hope.  I doubt I will ever kill myself, but I worry about cancer being the next big thing I will have to face, because both of my parents had it, the families are riddled with it, and this strain I feel could fuel a tumour.  I live in fear of dying like my father did.  Mostly I suffer from odd neurological quirks that conventional medicine seems to ignore, chronic tiredness, and tension headaches, and the desire to live as small a life as possible.  I would sign up for a PETscan if only psychiatry offered those for diagnosis and not just for research.  I would sign my life over to a state hospital for long term care if it guaranteed REAL care, and not abuse and humiliation, and if my pain was acknowledged for what it really is.  I would eventually want my life back of course, but I feel like a soldier returning from war and it's as though nobody gets it.  Some days I am in so much pain, but other than on this blog, you will never hear me talk about it.  I can't afford to look weak after what looking weak did to me in the past.  People turned their backs on me when I was weak before... I am sure they would easily do it again.  I must laugh it off and be strong about everything, even if it kills me.

I thank my analyst and my current psychiatrist for all the help they have provided, but I still feel like mostly, it's all up to me, and sometimes I feel like everything I do to try to heal is a shot in the dark.  There's no question that I have improved, the original problem seems to be gone (or at least leaving), but the after effects are crippling.  I can distract myself by being with friends or picking myself up by my bootstraps in other ways here and there, but alone again, I am weary when I think too much about it.  My body might just give out from all of this, I could die young... I'm not sure.  Self abuse is still something I engage in, but only in the mildest sense - you won't ever see me with razor blades, just a smack to the head or a desire to choke myself, which never lasts.  Again, it's an old pattern that isn't fully broken, and happens when I panic.  Divinity usually successfully restrains me with an invisible force to prevent me from harming myself at all.

The only thing I truly care about anymore is my relationship to Divinity and building on that, on feeling loved after being possessed by an entity of hate, on fostering the best that I can get out of what remains of my time here in this world.  I hope to go as far as I can in my spirituality that I won't ever have to return, because most of my life has been pretty hard.  As a child I endured constant bullying, my teens meant a difficult home life, and my 20s were impossible.  I can't imagine that if I don't get this sorted out by 50, the aging process will ever be kind to me.

I must have lived some mighty strange lives to deserve this, or else this is an intense test leading to something better.  Whatever the case, I hold onto hope when I channel that nicer times are ahead, and I might even have an extremely good life coming.  In the meantime, I try to live a bit like the "Little Way" of St. Therese of Lisieux, and approach this time with childlike humility and devotion.

-Saraƒin

Latest comic update...

My dear friend recently compiled all comic files for the final graphic novel, and is onto the cover portion.  Then he will return the files to the printers (they were too swamped to tackle it immediately), and (hopefully) all copies will be in my possession before the end of the fall.  Since COVID-19 numbers are rising again, a book launch might not be possible, but I will provide information on here as to where to obtain your copy.  (I am considering on demand printing from the web for future reprints - perhaps an omnibus, the whole series in one big book, minus "The Psychosis Diaries", which I don't plan on printing again.)

Today I purchased the Sekhmet statue pictured here - a modest price, from The Occult Shop.  It was a real bitch finding a local shop, as of late, that carried Her - I had to get them to order it.  She used to be everywhere, but lately... nothing.  She looks good on my table altar, next to all of my other spiritual gear.  She still seems to be a prominent influence, one that is growing in my relationship to Her with time.

I am kicking myself that this comic wasn't put out immediately after the series was completed online.  I could have gotten a book launch out of it without COVID-19 spoiling the event scene, and it would have just looked better from a creator to do it sooner.  I wonder if this sabotaged my readership much?  Oh well - I am still on a kind of hiatus, and I just feel like I can't quite focus on that kind of thing right now.  My soul and my mind are my priorities.  When I do psychic readings about it, the answer is that a comeback is coming, but only when I am moved to do my next big project, whatever that is.  I think I need to get to a plateau of sorts with my situation to know what to discuss next, and until that time, it's just journal style updates with these blog posts, and the odd art piece here and there.

A weird Thanksgiving... no meal with the family due to rising numbers.  My uncle is in palliative care, so I expect a new spiritual guest to drop by once he's in Bardo.  I lit many candles to pray for him, sometimes in church, to support his journey in any way it could be supported.  A great guy with a funny laugh and lots of charm.  We will miss him.

-Saraƒin

Prescription CBD, Jesus magick, et cetera...

I am now officially a CBD marijuana patient!  I received my first container of 5 g in the mail, and already I can tell this pot is better quality than the dispensary variety, by a notch.  I have noticed, with use, that it's made my psyche slightly more organized, my overall mood slightly better (making COVID-19 easier to tolerate, as an ongoing concern in the world), and that tension is less, and sleep is better.  I inherited a vape but I still find smoking it more effective - I feel like I am spiritually benefiting from it more when I burn it over boiling it.  Oddly enough, I still don't cough much using it, where marijuana once made me hack like my lung was about to fly out.  My lungs must be in good shape, despite it all!

So, on to discuss the Jesus magick, which I mentioned in a previous post - I had bought a Sacred Heart candle and did an invocation incant, with the rosary, Psalms, litanies, and the Sacred Heart chaplet.  (I seemed guided to do so, so that's what came of it.)  Midway during the invocation, I felt a grand presence open up - not like a vision or anything, but a great lightness, a presence of awe and power, of goodness.  (Almost like the cinematography of my life had changed.)  I got the sense I had elevated my situation to a level where I became closer to the Christ, and He was now a bigger influence than He was before... something that was very confusing throughout my time with the spiritual problem was how close He was to me.  The next day, I did another incant with the same candle, asking that Jesus destroy any remaining evils in me, and exorcise me, if necessary - again, reciting various litanies, throwing Frankincense and tobacco on the fire, until I could feel changes in the body.  Surrendering everything to Jesus, I am getting a new message that things are about to improve again, and I am to observe how this plays out.  I know this has been a good year for healing, but the pursuit of freedom has been ongoing, and phenomena has confused my channel.  It is not so much that I am mad, it is that I am not aware of my soul's ultimate truth right now.  I will observe as the months roll on and see where Christ takes me, at this new level.

An old connection I recently reached out to, a shaman living in Northern Ontario, did a journey for me.  I won't discuss the journey too much, only that it featured a lion prominently in its symbolism.  I gather this is indicative of Sekhmet, and I think back to the time in my mother's home in the country where I was alone, ravaged by evil, and briefly, as a soul, took on the form of a lioness, ready to pounce.  Sekhmet keeps coming back in symbolism, so I gather She really is an important deity in my life, even though Christ and Mary are also important to me.

Though most things are pretty good right now, I'm having a hard night.  I am still so humiliated by systematic sabotage... I'm just thinking about that right now.  The fact that my old high school had a hand in what came of me legally is such an embarrassment for an adult in her mid 20s (at the time)... that they would hurt me at graduation and later again resurface just to twist the knife and meddle with me in my adulthood, because they can, is why I want to see these fuckers shut down, once and for all.  (I heard that they are in trouble due to funding issues - beautiful.  I will petition the gods and pray with tobacco offerings for their demise.)  A former principal was in touch with my mother, to come down on me, when she wasn't even working for that school anymore.  I removed the post where I named the school, but they do deserve to be called out for sinister intentions against former students.  I probably shouldn't name them again here, god knows I have endured enough crap from them, next they would want to hurt me for criticizing their methods.  Or perhaps one day I'll change my mind, if I'm ever a big shot, and make a mockery of them in a broader sense, so that kids know to avoid them.  Why bother at this point?  Because it's fun, and would satisfy.  I would gladly purchase the needed supply of kerosene, and flick a lit match their way, if I could, to see them up in flames, and I am sure I am not the only one who feels this way.  Since I can't burn them down because that's arson, I have plans to go after them in court one day.  If I ever got super loaded, I would hire Jian Ghomeshi's lawyer to craft a handsome collectible set of Toby mugs with their heads.  (Or perhaps my case is so strong here, I wouldn't need her expertise.)  Anyway - not a good night for me, just thinking too much about the past, and how I have been shaped badly by being handled badly when I was at my most vulnerable.  Thanks, Toronto.  This is the bland, icy cold, socially acceptable kind of evil that Canadians do so well when they don't appreciate someone.

I guess aftermath is just getting to me tonight.  As much as things are well, and I am confident in the woman I became despite it all, sometimes I just long to not be this person anymore, because of how exhausting and humiliating things became, and sometimes still are.

-Saraƒin

New costume idea...

Since it looks like Hallowe'en is going to be a complete bust due to rising COVID-19 numbers in my part of the world, I have decided to put the Pope Joan costume idea on hold, possibly to revisit another year, in favour of just wearing my cloth nun habit.  But a new idea has surfaced in my mind, also for another year, this time of something remarkably unholy, as a costume - Baby Baphomet!

I got the idea when I thought it would be funny to put a spin on something often associated with the LHP, but to emasculate the edgelord fraternity bro culture often associated with it that for some reason gets a pass with fourth wave feminism.  The plan is a cutesy pink and white aesthetic with a burlesque feel ... titties out, pasties on, with candy raver style pacifiers hanging from my nipples, and a pink caduceus sticking out of the diaper.  It's a pretty bold move to dress in something like that, but as long as I'm indoors, I will have the guts.  (I would have the guts on the streets too, if this wasn't in Canadian temperatures!)

This costume won't be done until things are semi normal again, and club parties are back in full swing, but I think I found a winner.  I even want to make a bib that says "Solve Coagula" on it, and have the third horn (or whatever it is) with the flame coming out of the top of the goat head, using LEDs.  Sure to be a favourite with satanists and goth girls, and they probably won't even realize why I'm wearing it.  I might win a prize simply for being the weirdest thing in the room.

Some interesting events with candle magick and Jesus have occurred, but I think I will watch and see how they play out a bit before reporting anything on them just yet.  I find that the Catholic litanies are excellent for working with folk Christian magick and invocation.

More on that later!

-Saraƒin