Getting cocky: Arrogance can be healthy...

Lately I notice a pattern emerging in my personality - a new persona is being birthed of the changes in my development.  I have gone from being a rather meek version of the Queen of Cups in presentation (a negative Queen of Cups in that I was nice enough but rather doormat-like in nature, which led to far too many awkward exchanges and even danger in the presence of predatory men) to a kind of Queen of Wands type in the way I navigate the world.  (This is based on readings I did on myself that were designed to analyze my personality.)  I am still ultimately the Queen of Cups in many ways as a thinker and also in my conduct, but I have become slightly more brazen and haughty, firey and confident than I used to be.  Good natured, but a bit jaded and quick with a witty response when I am inevitably confronted by a difficult person who wants to act like a moron with me.  My temper is intense when it presents itself, but short lived and almost has a comical melodrama to it, like a strange queen - I am just like Judge Judy now when I fly off the handle, which is almost never.  Amusing to watch, I am sure, but God help you if you are on the receiving end of it.  Fuck with me?  I am not satisfied until I see the whites of your eyes.

After living a life, thus far, of letting assholes walk all over me, of taking abuse and being expected to smile about it as if all is fine, I have had it.  I am standing up for myself more, but I am also growing a confidence that is bordering on being arrogant.  I wondered a bit about this - the response I get from psychic interpretation is that this is a healthy arrogance, one that is rather necessary due to whom I have been and what I have been through, it is transitory and will lead me to my next stage as I grow in character.

It feels good to be a bit arrogant... it's not a vicious or pretentious version of it.  It feels sexy and it helps me to realize my strength and accomplishments, it helps me to rebel against those structures and systems that deemed me meek or insignificant.  I don't see arrogance as necessarily bad as long as there are enough other positive qualities in one's personality to support it, and if, in the end, it helps a person to cope with the strange society we live in.  My analyst and I discussed this, and he agreed it's important to have a stage like this - it helps the ego to feel strong.

Something really weird now, on a separate topic: sometimes I read creepy shit from the Akashic records, and I'm spooked.  I have a strange childhood memory of Dad and I taking the family canoe out on a lake when I would have been in grade school, coming across an old car that had gone off the road and crashed head first into the water.  I was weirded out, so was Dad, so we turned the canoe around and went back to the shore.  (I don't think he reported it, which was rather irresponsible of him.)  Anyway, I wondered about that and read about it recently - apparently it was the result of something going wrong in the car, and we didn't see it but there was a cadaver, floating in the water, of a person who could not escape the vehicle.  I read this and my body hairs stood on end.

Be careful what you read into with your psychic senses, Sinners... you might not like what you see!

-Saraƒin

PS: Speaking of Judge Judy, BTW - I am off the hook for serving in a jury - HOORAY!  :D

Fatima update: The costume is finished!

The Fatima costume is finished - complete photos of it all put together to come in the next little while!

One of the biggest challenges with this one that I thought would be difficult was affixing the crown to the veil so that it stayed firm in a way that wasn't obvious.  I decided to use a ring of velcro on the veil that would attach to a ring of the opposite part of the velcro in the crown, so it could easily be pulled on and off for storage.  I held my breath as I slipped the veil onto my head, but there was nothing to worry about - it holds very well, and feels like it even has some wind resistance.  Apart from perhaps a couple more finishing touches I may add to the crown, this costume is done, and it's going to look quite good.  I want to get as much mileage as I can out of it this year, so I am likely to go to several events in it, including a witch ball happening next week.  WITCHfest is on this month (an annual event that celebrates the end to the law enforced against witchcraft) and there's a series of interesting things to attend, including this ball, so that's one opportunity to wear the costume.

I finally got to chat again with that nice man who runs the shop, the one who is a powerful psychic - I'm due back again soon for further chats.  I demonstrated my reading technique, he said I was accurate about him and also that my method of reading was unique to me - he has never seen my style performed by anyone else before.  He also gave me pointers on refining what I already have.  It seems he wants to help me further.  This is wonderful - I had been praying for a teacher to enter into my life... hopefully he is the one.

The sacred feminine is something I have been concentrating on more as of late, trying to grow its influence - the sacred masculine is already quite strong in my life, but the feminine probably needs more attention.  So (speaking of the Virgin Mary) the Mother is a large part of my prayers and devotions as of late.  How appropriate that I would be dressing like her for Hallowe'en then!

-Saraƒin

Jesus Shoes?!

Capitalism is ridiculous sometimes - well, actually, it's often ridiculous, but in this case, it's moronic:

Walk on water: ‘Jesus shoes’ filled with holy water sell out in minutes

For a mere $3,000 US, you too could have bought these wretched looking things, filled with Holy Water from the Jordan River that was blessed by a priest... but they sold out pretty quickly.  Probably to douchey Christian celebrities who actually bought into the idea that they're wearing sacred sneakers that might help them get into Heaven.  Man, those are some butt ugly kicks, runners that only Republican Jesus could love.  At least throw a Sistine Chapel print on it, or something... yuck.

I was curious, so I did a psychic reading on these: the answer was amusing.  Apparently, any sacred properties the Jordan River water might have had were lost, and the blessing did not take, as the Spirit saw no value in it being pumped into overpriced sneakers.  So, because there was no spiritual need for it, what people got for $3,000 was just sneakers filled with normal water - nothing truly special.  So congratulations on missing the point completely, douchewads - enjoy your ridiculous looking shoes and the placebo effect they will provide for you.  Absurdity what spirituality is often like in the west.

If I were to make my own goddamn Jesus shoes, they would be a helluva lot folkier looking than this.  What a dumb, dumb, dumb thing for Nike to do - but hey, it sold out in mere minutes, so I guess they know what they're doing.  

I don't even have to say this, but there are SO many stupid Christians out there.

-Saraƒin

Fatima crown (still under construction)...

I started, and finished, most of the Fatima crown today.  The gold card stock worked well with a bit of wire and a glue gun.  The orb at the top is styrofoam that I painted gold, as you probably figured out.  I might purchase a string of plastic pearls to decorate this with, maybe plastic gems... whatever I can find that would work.  I was going to put a red pouf inside of it, but I think I might leave it now, it looks fine, and not all versions of Our Lady have crowns with that component.  This is super light and I expect my idea of using a ring of velcro to attach it to the veil will work nicely.

For the veil, I decided I am going to create a clasp and possibly some gold chain linking it beneath the chin - unusual for this icon, but it will hold the veil more firmly to me if there is a wind, take strain off the head, and cover up the obvious part of the nighty I used as part of the dress.  There's not much left to do... mostly obtaining gold ribbon, hand sewing it to the veil, decorating the crown, and any other minor finishing touches I can think of.  I decided against gold tears - I don't want to look like a French harlequin mask, but I like the idea of some gold makeup, so perhaps pale foundation, rosy cheeks and lips, and dramatic eye makeup with a little bit of gold.  The shoes will just be some white mary janes I have had for a while.

This might end up being my most elegant costume in a while - I can't wait to sport the finished product!

-Saraƒin

Letting go of senseless ambition: I don't give a shit if I don't make it...

This could change (hopefully it doesn't), but at this stage of the game, I have decided I simply don't care anymore about achieving any profound kind of success in the western world, as long as what I require is provided for, and perhaps some minor wants and comforts are catered to.

I think we're all sold a huge lie about happiness involving monetary success (certainly fame - fame is fleeting and often a curse), and that comes of a society that is impoverished in spirit.  Rat race ideals used to stress the hell out of me, thinking I had to commit to some career path and make brilliance of it to amount to anything of value to my society.  Fuck that.  I have since decided that if I am never a star artist, I couldn't care less.  With that pressure off my ego, the mind is more relaxed and able to enjoy the simple pleasures I have already established in my life.  Most days are lovely, and often surprise me.

I wrote a comic series that I am satisfied I created, and not much came of it, other than some mild media attention and a small, loyal following.  Unless things change again, perhaps that was my art's fate.  This doesn't bother 37 year old me the way it might have bothered 20 something me.  I don't think I am likely to produce another series - my drive to do so is tapped, and I don't think I am cut out as a career cartoonist.  Certainly, I will keep painting and doing other forms of art, but I am more of a lifestyle artist than a career one, I think.  To be a career artist means, to me, being a work horse that is constantly on and ready to go, and I don't want to lose the desire to create altogether, unless money is involved, because of the burden of a workload.  I also would rather have a joe job like the one I have, and get gigs on the side, than commit to something I don't like simply because it pays well, that strains my mental health.  It is common for indie artist types to live lifestyles like this, and am I ever lucky my lifestyle works the way it does, considering what I came out of, and what the alternative could be.  I am grateful every day of my life to have a one bedroom apartment, and I voice that to Spirit often.

With less pressure off my mind to perform, less going on in my life as far as responsibility goes, less duty, my mind can relax, recover, and develop.  I am still training myself psychically, often by reading people in bars with my Rider tarot deck.  I still think the professional psychic lady thing is a path I want to embark on - when I get really good (I'm already pretty good, I'm told) it's easy work, it's fun, and there's a kind of playful mystique to the whole thing.  I think that is one of my most prominent talents, and, like a prostitute, it's the kind of thing a computer can never replace (unless someone is into fucking a robot).  A simple life is the best approach for nurturing the mind and the soul, and a more complex, exciting version of that could upset everything that is going well right now.  I choose not to stir the pot when it doesn't require it - there is no demand to change anything, nothing is off about my situation, so I enjoy things as they are, until a red flag surfaces, indicating a need to act.  It's how I have learned to live.

Realizing I don't need to be a fat cat to know a brilliant life was one of the happiest realizations I discovered in recent years.  I hope this feeling continues.

-Saraƒin

Our Lady of Fatima costume update...

Slowly getting to work on my Hallowe'en costume again - just painted some nice veins on the heart, lacquered it to seal things, and am considering what I need to do next.  As you can see, the LEDs in the orange and yellow plastic bag slivers produces a nice glow.  I will have to find a way to hide the battery pack and wire, if I don't want it to look like Our Lady has a pacemaker.  I'm thinking of using gold cardstock to create a sunburst I could hide all of this behind, and then just use velcro to attach everything to the top portion of the dress.  I still need to make a wreath of thorns to go around the heart - I have the wire, I just need electrician's tape to create some thorns around it.*

The most annoying part will be hand sewing the gold ribbon I will need to get around the rim of the tablecloth veil - I don't own a sewing machine, so I hand sew everything.  It's rather meditative, and ultimately I don't mind, but considering a machine could just fly though something like this and do a finer job, it's slightly irritating.  Mind you, I was a propmaker for a while, and I have gotten quite good at tasks like this.

Looks like I need to make a trip both to Michael's and to Dollarama to pick up what remains of what I require - no big deal.  Good thing I have a few weeks before this is due - most of what I needed is already purchased.

-Saraƒin

*EDIT: I got the wreath of thorns done today too, pictured here - it turned out quite nicely.  I think I have solved, at least in my head, every potential costuming issue with this one.  The costume looks plain here, but I still have touches to add, including the making of that mighty gold crown.  I changed my mind and shall likely attach the Sacred Heart using pins on the wreath to the gown, not including a sunburst - I found a better, simpler way of hiding the battery pack.

Experimenting with Bibliomancy...

As mentioned earlier, I wanted to discuss a way that I found that works for me when referring to the Bible - Bibliomancy.

Unlike the Eknath Easwaran translations of sacred Indian writings like the Bhagavad Gita and the Upanishads, the Bible was something I could not get far into without growing frustrated whenever I would try to pick it up and read it like a novel.  So much that happens, especially in the Old Testament, is rather upsetting, and I don't find it enjoyable to comb over.  A lot has been taken out of original context thanks to shoddy scholarship, there are dated ideas that only suited the times they were from, and literal interpretation that shouldn't be is still often taken literally, so I find the experience more unpleasant than most Christians would probably want it to be for me.  So I have a copy, but until recently I rarely cracked it.

It was through automatic gestures that I was able to discern that Spirit wanted me to refer to my cheap copy of the NIV for something - so I instinctually flipped to the table of contents, where my eyes rested on the Book of Job.  Then I channeled a message along the lines of: "Your life has been like Job's life", so I read the whole thing, and when I got to the end, Spirit said: "Remember, like Job, you shall be rewarded for what you have endured".

After this interesting experience, I began to, on occasion, pray to Spirit for guidance I could use from a quote in the Bible - fascinating results have come from this.  It's sometimes almost a better method than trying to get certain pieces of wisdom from straight channel, at least at this point in my development.  I can't even quote exactly what else it has directed me to read, only that the quotes have been strikingly accurate and compelling as answers to questions I had.  Spirit said: "Here is one way I shall prove to you that I am talking to you".

I am also being encouraged to consider the Psalms as a means of helping me with my soul, I am not sure what's going to come of that, but I shall post an update if anything interesting comes of my use of working with them.

Had a great dinner with a table full of progressive, politically left leaning religious folk tonight - a Jew, several Muslims, and Christians of various denominations sitting together, enjoying a meal and having a great intellectual, theological discussion.  It was a positive experience, and a place where I felt I could openly share some of my wild experiences without being judged as peculiar.

-Saraƒin