Friday, 5 June 2020

New Catholic punk item I made!

Yesterday I bought the basic belt pictured here for less than $10.00, thinking I could modify it with crosses and give it the same treatment I gave that goth collar I bought a while back.  (I had seen a picture of a girl with a chain belt with crosses hanging from it, and decided to make something similar to that for myself.)

So I hit Queen St West's bead shops and bought some extra chain, mini crucifixes, links, and the bigger crucifix.  After a bit more shopping, I got home and put it all together, the result being what is pictured here.

I was talking to my rosary coven about the kind of look I am trying to go for - sort of a classic punk look, with a wayward schoolgirl style sometimes added (with kilts and cardigans), a bit of goth, and also - something I call "Vivienne Westwood goes to church".  I was trying to Google image anyone with a similar aesthetic to what I have pictured in my head, but photos were few and far between of any alternative dressers with rosaries and crucifixes.  All I know for fashion is - I recognize what works for my style immediately when I see it.  When I was a teenager, I wanted to go into fashion design until I realized how pricey it is to get into, and how unbelievably square most of the industry is.  So fashion is something I just play around with for fun, making stuff like this.

I want to mention briefly something I was going to write a separate article for, but it fits nicely with this one because of this new item I made.  I find reappropriating the Catholic faith, as one example, into a more progressive, queer friendly, feminist, empowering version of the religion, in both personal practice and in donning attire like this, much more beautiful and enriching than rejecting it outright in favour of something like adopting satanism.  Of course, in my case, it only made sense, having religious problems that required intervention from Divinity.  But while so many turn away from God entirely because of how shitty mainstream religion can be, turning instead to Satan (regardless of whether or not they actually believe in the devil - some just admire him as an idea), I find it ludicrous, especially for people who identify with left wing politics.  Yes, the church is full of toxic masculinity, but Satan is the KING of toxic masculinity, so to look to him as an image representing favourable human qualities, you might as well make Hitler the poster child for vegetarianism.  I may sound like a religious nut making that comparison, but keep in mind I was oppressed for over a decade by a satanic demon, so Satan is a name I don't appreciate.  I don't tend to talk too much about this with many except others who are either Christian or in some way religiously empathetic, I know how bizarre it sounds, but I hate Satan like any mystic who has ever been affected by diabolical forces, because of what happened to my life.  So The Satanic Temple, as well intentioned as they may be, look silly to me, especially in the way they conduct themselves.  They seem rather tasteless when I read some of their tactics, and even LaVeyans don't think much of them.  I can be virtually on the same page with many of their ideas without liking their aesthetic because of what it suggests to me.


Tuesday, 2 June 2020


I felt I should say something on here due to what's happening in the United States since the murder of George Floyd at the hands of police officers.  There's not much a white woman like me can say that hasn't been said a million times before, but I'll give it a try:

In the past, I have felt that perhaps rioting wasn't the best answer as far as protests go, but recently I have changed my mind.  Since nothing else that POC communities have tried has worked, including taking a knee as black athletes, peaceful protests, and other forms of gentler activism, I agree that their rage is justified, and might even usher in better results.  There have been protests in Toronto as well - I didn't attend, both due to my concern over catching COVID-19, but also because of my fear of the police legally harming me again, after having legal issues in the past.  Yet, I support the protests 100% - this happens far too often with police officers, the recent murder of Regis Korchinski-Paquet being another local example of police murdering a person who was both a person of colour and with mental health issues.  It makes my blood boil.  I liked to think there were good cops out there, but as one analogy recently stated - one bad apple can spoil the barrel.

Police really harmed my rights in society, stripping me of my home, having me locked away in a filthy institution for a while (the courts had the bigger hand in that I think - so that part was more white collar, not blue collar), but at least I was allowed to live.  As I mused on Facebook recently - if I had been any race other than white when I was unwell and confronted by the police, could I have been the next Sammy Yatim?  I was compliant enough, but often that's not enough for POC, as we have seen with George Floyd.  When I have talked to other (non-white) psychiatric survivors, their encounters with police were more physically aggressive than mine, and I believe it comes down to race, period.  I have been oppressed as a psychiatric survivor and as a poor woman, I have been sexualized both by individuals and by authorities even though I am asexual, but I have not been oppressed as a white person.

I Googled who the patron saint of social justice was, and found out it's St. Martin de Porres - it's neat that he's a person of colour.  I petitioned him the other day with a tobacco offering, asking for any justice that could come of what's going on with the rioting and protests, because nothing ever seems to work otherwise, at least not for long.  Some say we should abolish police forces - I don't know how we can arrive at a society capable of doing that, it sounds too utopic to be possible for this world.  In the meantime, let's hope that at least some radical change to what is be ushered in, because this racist sickness ruling society is out of control.

I also want to mention something on suffering vs injustice, and I don't know if I can nail this right now: I feel like injustice is a kind of suffering that shouldn't ever be, while certain forms of suffering can lead to refinement and be great teachers, if we adapt to it properly.  There are degrees.  We can work towards reducing suffering while being prepared for it when it comes our way, we should always fight to end injustice.  There is no way, as a white person, that I know injustice at the levels POC do, even though I have known injustice in other forms, as a poor woman, and as a psychiatric survivor.


"Like A Prayer" - Madonna
(Madonna seems to have a fling with St. Martin de Porres in this video, which apparently got her excommunicated.)

Monday, 1 June 2020

Soul confusion...

Oy - what a hodge podge of ideas I have... whatever level I am at spiritually, nothing is clear, even when it seems like I have had a brilliant insight into my situation.  My psychic sight (never sure how good it actually is, except to go by what others are telling me) is offline right now, I can't read for shit - I tried to read a friend of the family the other day (for pay) and it didn't work out, so I told her I would get back to her when it returns.  Fortunately, she was very understanding, so I will try again at a later date, and not ask for money if it turns out weak.

The more I consider what I know about mystics, the more I wonder - maybe the demon really is completely gone, and I am just profoundly confused with sensations I feel in my body, the way my channel is, the feelings I get.  So many of these classic Catholic mystics appear to be bedridden a lot of the time - if it's not stigmata, they have weird illnesses or are just so overwhelmed by phenomena they can barely do anything.  Gopi Krishna, a famous Indian kundalite, had problems with anorexia and sensations of great heat in his body, so it happens in the East as well.  Some days I just get so worried and overburdened by what I feel that I crawl into bed and cry until I am comforted by the channel.  But none of it is violent anymore... none of it is something I feel is a tooth and nail fight against anything malevolent.  The key sigil keeps coming through spirit drawing - as I mentioned before, I cast a little intention spell with an old toy handcuff key I buried by announcing I would commit this demon to death to rid myself of it... so perhaps that same key, coming though in drawings, is saying I no longer have to fight, it's over.  The last vision I had was of the Eye of Providence when I smudged with sweetgrass and called upon Metatron to kill the demon.  Phenomena right now is mostly probably nonsense, but it's hard to sort out the relevant from the irrelevant, if there is anything relevant to any of it.  Whatever mansion this is in the crystal castle of the soul (as St. Teresa of Avila would call it), it's not clear what God wants me to understand, but I do feel His love very powerfully, so I suspect I am in the 4th mansion of the 7, which is the equivalent of the Anahata, I suppose.  Which means I probably still have yet to go through mystical depression with the Dark Night of the Soul... GREAT.

I am going to try and commit to at least one round of the rosary per day to urge along the process, and keep reciting Psalms when I can't think of what else to do.  I wish I could go to church right now - I need to sit in one and take in the atmosphere again.  I am again considering confirmation in the Catholic church, but I would need to select a parish that is more liberal.  Our Lady of Lourdes in Toronto is more queer friendly than others, hosting a monthly queer mass, so if I do commit to this, I will likely go through them.  The other two I frequent are pretty inside but I often find the clergy there either arrogant or ultra conservative, or both.  Lourdes is humble and kind, from what I have seen.

I am just so confused right now in my mind - not psychotic, but not able to settle with ideas for long.  Consistency is lacking.  I have no spiritual director to talk to about this right now.  Although I am thankful for social supports in the part of the world I live to get me through this (I might have needed family to rely on otherwise) I am so bothered by how bankrupt Toronto is for spiritual needs.  I have to rely mostly on myself to figure things out, and I am not highly religiously educated.

My rosary coven has had some interesting things happen recently.  One member recently confirmed and was baptized Catholic, after completing the catechumen process.  As an Anglican, I might not have to jump through as many hoops, having already been baptized, but it's not like I can just sign a document and I'm in.  There's still a process, and this is a major commitment, one I am not yet sure I am ready to take.  But I think it's likely to happen someday... I just worry I require it to move on, and that if I don't do it soon, this will just continue crawling at a snail's pace, painfully.  But if I do join the church and I talk to the wrong priest about what I experience - that could also be bad.  So I have no idea what to do.

The other interesting thing is that another member is getting automatic mudras now when they pray the rosary.  I was aware of enough of my spiritual awakening studies to tell them that it's a very powerful sign from God that they are waking up, and to keep doing what they are doing.  Very exciting!

Mostly, I am miles beyond where I was as a soul, but still, there is dissatisfaction.  I wish some things were certain in my mind, and, if my future is to be bright, I wish I knew when these sweeping changes are to come to the way things are.


Friday, 29 May 2020

Soul sickness update...

I have been doing channeling on this - it seems the part of me that feels really good is the deepest part, the part that feels closest to the Divine.  It has a calmness that regulates everything else when I am having a difficult day.  The mind, on my low dose of medication, regulates well, and is quite still, mindful, and tends to bounce back easily from anxiety and sorrow.  (I'm not going to call my sorrows depression because they aren't ongoing or clinical, and I can easily move out of these states with the right activity - often praying to the Virgin Mary or doing the rosary will lift me out of a sad mood, an anxious state, or help me to sleep at night.  It's just a sadness that comes over me now and again, having been through a lot.)

The part that aches and feels like it has a weight is the energetic body.  There's a trickster quality to this dark field that got inside of me, so I was sure it had left, but perhaps it had just weakened that night, there was further work to do, because I still feel like I have an energetic ball and chain, even though phenomena is not the same.  Since reading the Psalms with Jehovah, channel has changed a little bit, it's even quieter now, though I still feel a weight.  Something may have also improved recently with Christ, as I felt a loving warmth in my heart centre while reciting Psalms to Him, and I'm not sure what it means yet.  Spirit drawings are getting interesting and have more details - I get a staircase, a door in the clouds opening, beams of light descending from various Godhead symbols... perhaps they're indicating an important stage, or relief, around the corner.  Nothing is dark anymore, and less is silly - mostly, it's positive, sometimes a bit confusing, leading me to make conclusions now and again that might not be the best, which I take to this blog to muse about.  If I back out of an idea, an article may be removed.  Recent articles about the kundalini were removed because I think I began to confuse spiritual evolutionary systems again.  It is common in awakenings to receive visions of many gods from many lands, even though they may not be of your own path, and I have to remember that - even St. Hildegard von Bingen experienced this.  It is a bit of a hodge podge in channel right now, and I imagine it will be until this weight is lifted from my spirit.  I am a sleeper waking up, trying to make sense of a nightmare.

In other news, I just discovered that there's a beautiful Carmelite monastery in a neighbouring municipality that looks wonderful, where they make ice wine, and so my rosary coven and I are discussing the possibility of going on a retreat there once the COVID-19 lodging bans are lifted, and things are a bit more normal.  This place looks mighty grand, is reasonably priced - home to an order of Carmelite monks.  I REALLY want to go!  I love the other convent too, but the grounds of this one look so lovely - I want to experience the old world feel as well, sometime.  It's Catholic, and I tend to feel more as a soul in Catholic environments than in Anglican ones.  The church frustrates me, but I think my soul still wants to be Catholic - often I conclude this, anyway.


Monday, 25 May 2020

Psalm recitations, again, but this time with Jehovah...

I kept reciting Psalms to Mary, but found that the sensation in my soul wasn't returning, so I assumed it to mean she had done the work she could do with my intentions.  Considering all the Godhead symbols I receive with spirit drawing, I decided to try working with Jehovah in this manner - the results have been fascinating.

Once again, the sensations of warmth, of Divinity acting upon me, I felt throughout my torso, as I read various Psalms from my family heirloom King James bible.  I had to consult the internet to look for Psalms that are specific to spiritual warfare, but the Christian sources on the web tend to be shite, so I kept reading the same 7 or so passages over and over again.  It got pretty dry.

Then I remembered a book I once owned, that likely got tossed during the book purge when the demon got the upper hand of my mind back in 2012, and I threw out very many great things, fearing a curse.  "Powers of the Psalms" by Anna Riva is a great book for knowing specific uses for various Psalms, magickally speaking, or in prayer.  I went to my favourite weird esoteric supply shoppe in Kensington Market today and bought another copy, along with some frankincense and candles.  (Elsewhere, I also bought a cloth face mask, my rubber respirator being too much for the current heat wave, and a kombucha.)  In a nearby park (alone - still being good about social distancing!) I recited all the Psalms dedicated to dealing with evil forces, and asked that Jehovah attack my demon, or alleviate me of it.  I read each one that seemed to have some relevance in that regard, then headed home.

As I made my way back, I got the message that prayers are being answered, so we shall see as the days press on.  I feel a bit lighter in my soul in recent days - a very good sign.  Things haven't been so much chaotic as there has been a very boring feeling lingering in me that makes me just want to crawl into bed and sleep.  Certain recent posts I have made will have updates added, or perhaps be deleted entirely, because they were composed under frustrating spiritual illusions I continue to battle.  The demon field complicates the channel, and some days are worse in this regard than others.


MAY 26th UPDATE: Today, I figured to surrender full authority over the situation to Jehovah.  Now I wait and see how this unfolds.  Already, there seems to be improvement.

Saturday, 23 May 2020

Psalm recitations with Mary...

Concerned about my situation not being resolved, I came to consider what else I had not tried with my practice.  Psalms are something I have worked with a bit, uttering the name of Jesus with them, but I didn't consider the Virgin Mary.  Often, Mary is depicted in paintings crushing the head of the serpent, so - remembering that, I tried a lengthly recitation of various Psalms, in Her name, to see if that could help with what remained of the problem.  It was interesting what I felt.

Sometimes when I try something that leads to effective results, I feel an intense sensation within, almost like a temperature change, but not even that - like something wicked within me is being affected.  This happened with the sweetgrass incident with Metatron - it's a slightly blissful feeling, like something very good combating something very bad.  I came to realize my problem was probably still slightly there, was deceived into thinking it was not, so I had to attack it again.  I recited a myriad of Psalms until I got the sense I had done enough (King James edition - prettier English), it must have lasted for an hour and a half, at least.  I am now going to observe what comes of it.  I followed up with prayers to St. Michael, and another sweetgrass smudge to Metatron.

This morning, when trying to read the Psalms again, I barely felt that sensation.  Maybe that's all that I needed, and it's just to fade out entirely now?  Sight is not clear in me, I need to wait and observe, maybe continue to experiment a little with more recitations.  This has been about fighting for my life, and now it's ten times better than it ever was, so I am likely to be fine, in the end.  (I think I am closer to Mary now than I was before - I prayed to St. Anne that She be invoked in me, and to consecrate myself to Her Immaculate Heart.  Going through saints seems to help with invoking higher figures - for Jesus, it was St. Jude, for Mary, Her mother - St. Anne.)  I have also been doing many recitations of the rosary with my special item.

Yesterday, I saw an odd sight for my part of Toronto, in the sky, above my building - some turkey vultures circling overhead.  Was it a sign of something getting finished off?  I feel attuned enough to recognize many signs, and this might have been what it was saying.  I was moved by it enough to consider it may have meant something.


Thursday, 21 May 2020

Spiritual illusions...

I am feeling again that serious religious problems are still affecting me - that they may have substantially weakened, but I am still filled with illusion that keeps me second guessing my understandings.  This is an embarrassment for me, as I try to make sense of how to proceed, and what ideas to present.  I am weary - my enemy is still affecting me, though I must be better off, for I am miles beyond where I was before, I have some sort of upper hand.

If only, I tell myself, I had had a more religious upbringing, I might be more knowledgable as to how to proceed with this problem.  Because of COVID-19, I can't go into the Catholic catechumen process, and I shy away from doing so anyway, because I feel very strongly that the church would reject a character like me.  All I can do is reach out to God in any form that seems appropriate - Catholic forms of God seem more successful, when I work with them.

I worry I appear more fool than clown on here - I am certain plenty would scoff at what I write about, but my pain is severe on some days, and I feel like I need to create somehow, and writing is what I feel I can do right now.  Maybe blogging my musings is a mistake, but I am compelled to do so anyway.  This is at the very least an interesting story, it could make for more interesting work later, and I need some sort of database to catalogue my experiences.  But the public arena can be cruel, so if a post looks downright ridiculous later on, I may delete it.  I am weary from fighting, and long for better days, if they are to come.  The pain right now is not in the form of voices and visions, as much as it is weariness, soul pain, and a weight in my energy body, as well as strange sensations and an awkwardness to my channeling sometimes.

I will focus on the saints right now, the Catholic ones, anyway.  I will concentrate on anything that has been known to lead to successes before, and see where they take me.  My life is such a challenge because of what my soul endures.  I often wish I was someone else - a soul in pain is an agony that is indescribable, unless one has experienced it themselves.

I don't expect agnostics and atheists to see me as anything more than a lunatic, for that has been how they have treated me before.  There are no real resources in Toronto to turn to, expect maybe the church, and I doubt they would take me seriously - they would call me a silly harlot because of my style, they would reject my views politically, they would come down on me for many things.  So, why do I keep wanting to go to their churches?  I wrestle with this constantly.

If I die from all this, I want it to be known it was not mental illness that killed me.  I do not wish to die, but on weaker days, I fear I will.