Losing weight - with the Goddess!

No offence, Venus of Willendorf.

I just had my annual check up at the MD recently, and was delighted to find out that since I last saw her, I had shed 18 lbs!

I believe I had developed metabolic problems from a previous antipsychotic, where while I had been off the drug for a while, I could never seem to lose more than a couple of pounds at a time, only to gain them back once again soon later.  I am 5'5" - at my heaviest on this shit, I was just under 200 lbs, but I was able to slim down to just under 180, on most days, with a new drug.  Metabolic issues must have been the reason I wasn't able to go lower, thanks to these horrible drugs and their often permanent side effects.  I had tried exercising more and dietary changes, but still I remained heavier than I wanted to be.  I grew my hair long so I could rock an earth goddess look with these curves, because I felt awkward with my once short pixie at this weight, and decided my days of slenderness were long gone, thanks to fucking psychiatry.

After invoking the Goddess with help from the Virgin Mary (who works directly with Her), I considered that the Goddess works closer to the material world than the God, at least She does in systems like Kabbalah, as an example.  Perhaps the Goddess could help work on my body, which I wasn't sure what to do with anymore?  So I prayed for a higher metabolism, because it seemed like I had that of a woman much older than me, and nothing was changing based on my lifestyle adjustments.

Months later (TMI - sorry about this!) I noticed I began to defecate up to three times a day - I had never been this regular in my life.  Before, it was usually once a day, now it felt like I was relieving myself of more garbage throughout the day than ever before.  My clothes began to feel a bit looser, and I was certain at least 10 lbs had lifted.  Only slight changes to my routine had been made, and I still eat a lot of stuff I probably shouldn't if I was to seriously crack down on weight loss in a more conventional way.  I don't do hard exercise like weightlifting or cardio, but I do tend to walk everywhere, being a downtown city dweller, so not much had changed with my routine.  So I honestly believe my prayers to the Goddess were answered, and she is adjusting things in my body that need to change so I can know a healthier version of myself again.

My current weight is 161 lbs, which isn't super slim but I never thought I would see numbers even like that again.  Now it's easier to find cute clothes that actually fit me.  I still do what I can, when I can think of it, to help my body slim down - taking salads over french fries at restaurants, for example - but I am convinced forces are at play to help with this as well.  My MD was pleasantly surprised, because she knew this was an ongoing challenge for me.

-Saraƒin

Satanic Panic Night...

Some weirdos and I are getting together soon to hold what I call "Satanic Panic Night" - a night of watching the worst of LHP videos while heckling them and then praying the rosary later for the people who made them.  I call this trend #AnglicanTrolling, after the Church of England famously asked all Anglicans to pray for Richard Dawkins after his stroke - both because it's the right thing to do, but also to drive Dawkins fucking crazy.  Later, we will watch some Catholic horror flicks, or perhaps more nunsploitation, while consuming red wine and crackers that look like communion wafers.  We are not your typical Christians (some who are coming are even areligious or Muslim) - which leads me to a discussion I had last night about this:

I feel like there's a big part of my life I can discuss with Christians because they would understand my devotion, but a lot of the more conservative ones especially would find fault in my lifestyle or approach to things like abortion, for example.  At the same time, a lot of my queer identified friends and I can relate very well in other areas of my life, but the Christian side of me makes me worry that they are wary of that component, even if on an unconscious level.  It seems I need to seek out people who will get that I am certainly religious, but also very progressive about it, and from a more personal, mystical standpoint than anything to do with church dogma.  Mine is an experimental, alternative approach to the Christian path, that incorporates things that most Christians wouldn't dream of, like divination tools, and praying to sources that, although of God, are not of the Christian religion per se.  I wholly understand the power of aligning with Christ, but I see it as a way of connecting to God through a human avatar, and I believe that one doesn't have to convert to Christianity to work with Jesus.  Hindus, Muslims, Wiccans... anyone can work with Christ.  In fact, He can only add to one's practice, and helps many in many paths.  In occult practice, the presence of Christ in one's life can even prevent spiritual problems, or correct those that already exist - that's why I recommend Him.

In cathedrals I visit, when I dress in my alternative fashion with crosses hanging off of me, I probably stick out like a sore thumb.  Likewise, at queer meetups and groups of non-religious friends, I must look strange as well.  Oh well - I guess it comes down to conduct more than anything else... am I treating everyone with respect, am I friendly and courteous, do I do what's right... yes, I do.  Sure, I will encounter morons like the fanatic who tried to bar me from entering the cathedral that time, but most people are not like that.  Next time someone tries anything like that with me again, I will comment that I am sad to see the devil has consumed their heart, they are clearly riddled with sin, and I shall pray for them... if I speak their language, they tend to back off.

-Saraƒin

Blessing alcohol...

Having experimented with blessing water, thus creating Holy Water (particularly whenever I have a nice hot soak in the tub), I wondered what might happen if I blessed booze and sipped on that.  Holy Water tends to create a reaction in me when I splash myself with it or consume it, as though any remaining darkness of what I had to deal with is reacting to it.  At karaoke last night, I blessed my pilsners.  The results were interesting.

I took a sip of the Holy Steamwhistle and had a different reaction to blessed alcohol than with blessed water - a message came through that Spirit reacts differently when alcohol is blessed, than with water.  (I guess that's why Anglicans love their wine at the Eucharist?)  I got the sense that this was a good idea for helping me become clear of murkiness - now, every time, no matter the drink, I am going to bless my beverage.  Hope I don't get a hangover while I remove what remains of my spiritual troubles.  But it's at least a fun way of going about things.  I guess I am the Tank Girl of mystics!

Slow to update on here... life has mostly been about social activities and taking a break from creative pursuits, now that Asylum Squad is finished.  I have to put together the final book, save money for printing, and plan the book launch.  I might give it until October the knuckle down on that.  My Our Lady of Fatima costume looks like it's going to be pretty cool - I got an item that will work for the Sacred Heart portion, I should get to work on finishing that project too.

Again, my inner world is so mystical and strange that I expect some who read this blog might think I'm the weirdest manic pixie dream girl of all time, but I don't care.  I am having fun, and creating humour and joy with it.  The 60 mg of Latuda is proving to be safe - so no worries there.  I think I will stay at this dose for at least 6 months to a year before trying 40 mg.  No matter the health of a brain, once these drugs are in it, it's important that tapering down be a gradual process.

-Saraƒin

Preparing for Hallowe'en...

I have begun to collect things for my Our Lady of Fatima costume.  Here's what I have so far, and what I am planning:

Good old Value Village - there, I found a long white nightgown, a white tablecloth, and a white turtleneck to make up most of the dress portion.  I got a string of tiny LEDs with an attached battery pack from Dollarama, and made the flame out of coloured plastic bags.  At Michael's craft store, I got black rubber coated wire, which I am going to cover in thorns made of electrician's tape.  My friend is giving me a heart shaped Christmas ornament, which I just have to paint red and decorate a bit.  I will likely affix this with velcro strips to the dress portion.

Gold ribbon will probably be purchased to trim the tablecloth veil, and hair clips will be purchased to make sure the veil affixes properly to my hair.  The crown should be simple and fun to make - light gold card stock should do the trick, or card shock I could paint gold later on, if I can't find the gold kind.  Then it's just a matter of decorating it with any interesting bling I come across.

I need to borrow the Anglican Druid's pearl style rosary to carry - the shoes will be white flats with flowers attached to them.  The fact that the Sacred Heart glows will really make the costume, I think - I tried the LEDs in the dark in my bathroom and it looked marvelous.

I think I'll do pale makeup with rose lips, maybe gold tears around the eyes, though I am not sure about that just yet.  I will update again when I get somewhere with this costume to show photos.

Also - might sing the following at Hallowe'en karaoke:

"Maria" - Blondie

-Saraƒin

Reflections of Asylum Squad...

Today, the final pages of Asylum Squad were posted - at long last, my series has come to an end.  This post is going to comment on what the ending means, feelings I have on the content, and anything else worth mentioning:

First of all, this was not the original ending I was going to go with.  I had another ending that was rather up to interpretation, where an epilogue scene with two boys using a ouija board in England suggested that Armananstantanu might have been real.  But the more I thought about it, the less satisfying that ending felt, and that was part of why the year long hiatus, after my Dad died, took so long to end.  During that hiatus, sometime in the summer of 2018, the new ending popped randomly into my mind, as a joke, and the more I thought about it, the more I liked it.  Spirit suggested I had found my ending, and so I went with it, after several edits.

I hope no one thinks it's a "lame religious ending", or preachy in any way.  It has religious overtones, but I wanted to focus on sacred femininity a bit here, something a truly churchy, religious ending might scoff at.  Also, the religious overtones are a symbol - in this case, Liz Madder makes fools of the psychiatric system that wronged her, by rising to become more relevant than it through being honoured by an even more powerful form of the patriarchy - the Catholic church.  What's more respected than perhaps a saint?  To psychiatry she was just another ill woman being treated, but to the church she's relevant.  Adding to this, it is my understanding that historically the church at least indirectly had a hand in what western society deems sane and insane, at least on a moral level, so to be recognized as holy by the church itself is so delightfully touché that it had to go in.  This ending was designed to be both touching and hilarious - it is over the top, but so is the rest of the comic, so it works, in my opinion.

Looking back on Asylum Squad, there are things I would have changed had I known better.  Some of the less politically correct content was deemed offensive, and at the time my mind was so warped I wasn't even perceiving in a way fit for this world, tortured by darkness, so I hope anyone offended by the antics of Henry Chan, for example, can understand this if they get their hands on a copy of "The Psychosis Diaries".  There was symbolism that might have been exchanged for something else in some of Liz's dream sequences (based on the chakra system, by the way) when I was trying to find her subplot - kind of mixing up my spiritual systems a bit there, not sure if that was wise from a mystical standpoint.  But what's funny is that in a way, my unconscious knew what it was doing with her character all along - with the new ending, the Catholic flavour found throughout the plot went from mere flavouring to interesting clues and runners about the protagonist's ultimate conclusion - her holiness.  My conscious did not even know my ending when I began "Monster Hospital" - I knew Liz was not schizophrenic, but that was it.  It's positively Jungian how this all came together.

Asylum Squad was not a perfect comic, but it was a way of coping with the pain and torment in my life, expressing myself to try and get my social status and creative output back, and it was a means of finding myself as I worked to find the ending.  I don't know if I will tackle another comic again - I have some ideas in mind, but I feel another hiatus, at least, is in order for now.  I will likely be making paintings and things like that, posting about them on here, while I decide what my next major project will be.

I'm glad I was able to bring joy to people, and I hope this ending was satisfying.  Thanks for being a delightful audience!

-Saraƒin

Going down to 60 mg, spiritual updates, & other things...

Not sure what image to use this time - here's Metatron's Cube.

Hooray - my psychiatrist is on a hiatus as she moves to another clinic, but I am not losing her!  We had a good last session at the current clinic, and laughed over things - she is simply changing the direction of her practice.  I am so glad not to lose this woman - she is the breath of fresh air I needed to get the confidence to recover, an ear to hear me when I say I am not mentally ill, but instead psychologically affected from spiritual problems.  I am also dropping from 80 mg to 60 mg of Latuda, because I want to train my brain to handle a slightly lower dose for a while.  I think it's time to go down, and she agreed.  (This dose is not much different effects wise, so it's likely not to cause any complications.)

An interesting event happened recently, after some friends and I went for Ethiopian food in the East End.  We happened upon an interesting shop where I met a lovely older gent who was a real character - a psychic himself.  He seemed profoundly good at it, even reading that I had a deck of tarot cards in my purse, he knew details of my character and life, it was shockingly accurate.  He also knew, without me reading him, that I am quite a good (developing) psychic, and he wanted me to be in touch - could this be the doorway I needed into my psychic career?  I had been drawing the King of Pentacles card repeatedly, saying this will be my next boss, and that it would involve some kind of metaphysical shop.  I suspect this could be the gentleman.  No update yet, but I shall have to write more if anything comes of this.  He's important to the psychic community, I will mention that.

Once again I am exploring Kabbalah a bit, wondering about the sephirot, and how they relate to me.  The demon attacked and probably did structural damage to my psyche in some ways, something I know I am healing from, but I need to keep going - I am all over the map right now with some ideas because I am still not 100%.  It's more of a confusion over constructs in my mind than a madness - I cope and function quite well, my moods are good, sleep is good, nothing is truly upsetting except for a couple of traumas I am still trying to work on.  I want to focus a bit more on Da'at, the "sephirah that isn't", because I wonder if that is an influence that is off, causing the sensations of strangeness in the psyche.  It's possible I was dealing with both the real demon and a metaphorical inner demon, and the inner demon was the cute, impish one, while the real demon was the malevolence that ruined my life for a while after getting inside of me.  This is a complex mystery that's going to take a while to unravel, but I am constantly healing, grounding, and I suspect that one day I will get to the bottom of things.

With my tarot group the other night, something happened that had never happened before.  The spirit of the father of one of the women with me tried to talk directly through my body, the way channels normally work, but I guess my skills with this kind of channel are raw and underdeveloped right now, so I get the sense that the message wasn't fully delivered.  But it was rather funny - I felt this temperature change and tingle on my shoulders and back as the spirit moved in to talk through me, and started to shake and jerk around - it was more amusing than anything else.  My soul must have allowed him to try, this spirit was desperate to relay a message to his daughter, but it was just too soon for it to come through as well as he wanted it to.  I had some anxiety, I will admit, having been possessed by darkness, but was reassured by the Spirit that it's just something new that I'm not used to, this was a positive soul trying to speak through me to his child.  The soul left - it just took time for him to leave my vicinity, once he had connected.  When I am next with this lady and her dad is around again, there may be another attempt, when I am clearer to do this sort of thing.

I am so, so close to finishing what remains of Asylum Squad - I literally have one and a half pages left to draw up and ink, and then I just have to reduce them by photocopy, scan 'em, tone 'em, and then they go up.  It could be any day now.  I feel more satisfied than sad about completing this series - it wasn't a perfect comic, but it meant something to me, and perhaps something to others as well.  I will be writing an article on here about the meaning of the ending, what my feelings about the series are, et cetera.

-Saraƒin

Going goth?!

Oh dear... it seems like I am slipping into a goth phase!

I used to be a bit of a rivethead, back in my 20s, which is goth's industrial cousin, but later kind of abandoned it for a more hippie seeker look.  I also loved lolita fashion for a while, but it proved to be pricey, and the community is full of little shits who are haughty about clothing brands and other things that seem ultimately insignificant.  On boring dress days, I'll dress in stuff my mom gives me - still with style, but more conservative.  My hair isn't that interesting, since my job requires that I have conservative hair, so I grew it out and often wear it up in various ways.

I guess I just started to feel extremely goth about my life, having survived demonic attack, to the point where I killed the damn thing, the whole mental hospital thing, the spiritual horrors and drama that my life has shown me... kind of makes me want to wear heavy eyeshadow a bit more often.  But I won't just settle for any kind of goth - I want to be the gothiest goth, in a weird Catholic way, with crosses and rosaries dangling from everything.  While virtually every other goth I see is off loving Satan and his stupid demons, I am making fun of him, killing a demon and reading naughty details about terrible people who piss me off.  (I'm also slightly heavier set than I'd like to be in my gut, so I might as well wear more black - it's slimming.)

I feel rather silly that this is happening now, since I am pushing 40 - I often kind of made fun of goths a bit for being rather unoriginal with certain trends, and their cheesy melodrama is a real eye roller.  Still, I like a lot of the music and clothes, and my life has been about as goth as it has been punk - which is to say, VERY.

Not sure if this is a phase I am going through, but my goth friend is amused that suddenly she is wearing more colour, and I am dressing more like how she used to dress.  When I read psychically about this, it says my style is going gothy, and it's because I killed a demon, want to feel badass about it, and that satanism is going to look particularly stupid to me as time goes on.  Because what's more badass than worshipping demons?  Killing them.  (I also want to be more interesting aesthetically than a satanist goth - I picture those chicks listening to witch house music and giving blowjobs in cemeteries.)

Also - I think the "dark field" thing I sensed might be some after effect from this whole thing, and I am now directing my prayers to Grandmother Moon for assistance.  Smudging with sweetgrass only got me so far after a certain point - I felt reactions in my soul, but not change.  This is something I need to keep working on, and I know that a devotional approach is the only answer - that's the way it's always been.

-Saraƒin