Finally got my flu shot...

I kept getting a hand gesture urging me to get the flu shot, so I did so today.  Though I am definitely not against vaccines, I have a nervous response to needles and other invasive feeling things that comes out of years of abuse from Dr. Errol Gaum (my sadistic childhood dentist, who is currently on trial in a class action lawsuit, for decades of abusing children in the dental chair), so because I haven't had the flu since I was a teenager, I just don't tend to bother with the flu shot.  But I guess it was a good idea because of the pandemic, so I did it.

I am really hoping I can overcome my medical phobias as I get older, because it just gets worse as one ages.  I hope I can avoid degrees of medical suffrage that other members of my family have known.  My Mom's side has great genes, so I am counting on that - the women are tough, have great brains, and last forever.  If I ever need a root canal, that will also mean I will need a general anaesthetic.  There are some things I simply refuse to be awake for.  (I also suspect this is an autism spectrum thing, with my phobias.)

I feel a little more chill since a few days of psilocybin capsules, so I believe it was a good choice to try them.  I made the radical decision to rely on myself (mostly) for my own healing because mental health services don't tend to help me at all, and are at the very least extremely invalidating and patronizing.  After that one ER doctor suggested ECT because I'm a channel... fuck.  This is mental health services for emerging spirits in Toronto.  <_<

Do better, CAMH.

-Saraƒin

Microdosing again...

I just purchased some psilocybin microdosing capsules again, to try to heal myself of more trauma.  Last time I did these, I tried Blue Meanies, around the time I went to the Carmelite monastery.  This time, I wanted to try Golden Teacher, which is the same species I tried when I did those two trips a while back.  For $35 at Shroomyz on Queen West, I got 15 capsules, which I am to do once a day until they are gone.  Then, if I want to try another round, I should wait about 6 weeks to two months.  So, that's the plan.  (There was also Penis Envy capsules, but apart from its rather gauche name, I simply wanted to try the next level up before using that particular species.  It looks like Golden Teacher is the in-between, or at least the one they had available.)

Because I am consecrating everything I consume to Jesus, I tried it with these as well, as though He has possessed them.  I am not promoting "faith healing" here, although in my experience it doesn't hurt to call in the Holy Spirit when consuming things, I think it might have even helped.  I have tried it with smokeables but it seems to only feel effective, in my case, with food and drink, and other consumables.  Not sure if that is true for others, but smoking marijuana is very good with Lord Shiva.  (I have worked with Jesus when consuming edibles and THC beverages.)

Once again, I am glad I took time off from work - I am hoping these capsules take the edge off my current levels of stress, because I was ready to go back to CAMH, which I later decided against.  I refuse to consult with those who are not solved as selves, when considering what I need, as a solving woman, unless absolutely necessary.

God, I wish Jung was more popular in mainstream psychiatric medicine.  I talk about kundalini, and they think I'm referring to some kind of pasta dish.  Ridiculous.

-Saraƒin

Video: Wisdom from "The Red Book"...

 

Niiice - "The Red Book" is fascinating to do this with!  I think it suggests that Dr. Jung was a true prophet of modern psychology, though because he was a western psychiatrist it certainly would have alienated him from people like Dr. Freud.  (I won't mention what book it was but I used a text often considered sacred with this bibliomancy technique and the Holy Spirit told me it was bogus scripture and thus impossible to get much out of - wow!)

I tried prayers to Shango with a cigar to help with my spiritual situation, and felt an interesting reaction in my subtle body.  It was intense but felt nice, like a release, so I will have to observe and see where this goes.

Something else I feel like I am sensing is an almost visionary experience that seems to want to come through of the Virgin Mary, almost like an apparition, but is not something I can actually see yet, other than as a suggestion of something forming.  The message isn't clear, but right now I am holding onto the idea that I am getting somewhere with ascension and there may be a message from Mary to me.  Mysticism is a trip!

Apart from some anxiety attacks, I think I am grounding from my recent pain, and am glad I took a bit of time off work, although it makes money kind of tight again.  :/

-Saraƒin

Video: Mary and how She can help witches...

 

Some Christians are touchy about the Goddess construct as an idea of Mary, but others, including a very cool minister I know, don't think it's a bad argument in some ways.  Certainly, She has helped me with opening to nature and harmonizing with it, so She is at least a doorway to Goddess related spirituality.  This video briefly suggests how She can really help harmonize and empower the witch or seeker.

Not much else to say for now ... sorry about several doom and gloom posts, everyone I know is stressed out of their minds, it's affecting us all in different ways.

-Saraƒin

Not sure where to go (when I need help)...

(Not a crisis post, just a frustration.)

I think I have decided again that I should avoid the hospital, because until CAMH recognizes my traumas with the entity, I simply cannot trust their approach.  They will forever, at this point, want to see what I went through as something that came of psychosis, rather than "psychosis" emerging from an occult trauma.  Until this changes, any care will most certainly be problematic.  

Sometimes a doctor will say something silly like "if you want me to call it a spiritual problem, I will", but until my file is changed, it means nothing, and they might as well offer me a lollipop, because I don't care.  I know all the coercive techniques psychiatry uses, and they are all designed to get me to comply, they have very little to do with true understanding or compassion - I get that in my analyst's care, but I can't see him all the time.  I think part of the problem is that most doctors, as much as they probably think they know who they are, are not invested in a deeper understanding of themselves, for that would require a worldly pursuit that most simply cannot commit to with their careers in mind.  So, not to say this about all psychiatrists, but most at least, are not true examples of the wounded healer, and simply cannot see this case for what it is.  (I wish I had a psychologist, that might be interesting, depending on who I might get.)

I also considered the Gerstein Centre, even though I don't much care for it, but thinking things over, in hospital or at a crisis centre, I wouldn't have access to smudge or marijuana to calm my nerves, I just would sit around and wait to go.  Jesus, what a conundrum!

Really, it would be nice if there was a spiritual care centre, where people could drop by, -or- inpatient care with the soul in mind.  We are not yet there as a society as some are, I have no idea why this part of the world is so stubborn with progressive ideas like positive voice hearing, it's a real chore for those of us who know who we are to deal with these stubborn egos in charge.  My ego is fine, my subconscious is what is in pain from what it's been exposed to, and so my ego is irritated by it.  I am sure my chart is a complete disaster at this point, with very little insight.

So, I think I am going to stay in, and have decided to talk to my employer about, on occasion, taking a week off here and there, to avoid a crisis.  Things are simply very stressful right now, I have to preserve my mental health, and the hospital is no place for me at this point.

-Saraƒin

Better day today...

Sorry about my last post - because sometimes my pain gets the better of me, I often overanalyze my situation and conclude it is a helpless one.  I hadn't slept in 24 hours, and was irritated out of my mind, so I began to overthink my problems, and considered MAiD seriously for a good part of the day... I can't say I expect to revisit this idea in 10 years.  I simply must press on.

I did some smudging today with good old white sage and prayers to a friendly spirit I felt might be nearby, and got relaxing feelings throughout my aura.  It's as though my condition blinds me to some clearer truths, so self diagnosis and healing is tricky without clearer sight.  Sight has moments where it's quite clear, but I have days that are tough.  This is what worries me, if I will give out, if I can't cure myself.

I do think I will check into CAMH for a little bit, just to break things up.  I am not in crisis, and I am not sure if they will take me in, but I just don't want to be alone right now.  A backup might be the Gerstein Centre if CAMH doesn't have a bed, but I do want to try again and tackle my file with them, because I really need these old ideas of my character to die.  I want to emphasize that I think I have autism and trauma, and that they should know about that.  One thing I have planned soon is an appointment with my GP to discuss this, but maybe someone will listen if I have a brief stay.  (I don't even imagine I need more than a few days.)  My employer has given me a bit of time off to bounce back, which was greatly needed, I feel, since after punching out from my last shift I crumpled to the floor and sobbed because of how I feel throughout my body.

Again, I am on top of blood tests and things like that - this is the soul in pain.  I wish I could afford a shaman!  DIY, as usual, I guess.

-Saraƒin

Sad girl post (I suppose we all have 'em)...

I've decided something - I'm giving it 10 years.  If by 50, if I don't feel recovered, I am going to consider medically assisted dying for "mental illness".

I am just really fucking tired.  I am tired of living in a situation in which no drug works for me to take the edge off (because it's not the same disorder as they say it is), it bothers me that no one knows what to say, where I have to walk around with a rosary tied to my wrist in case I have to drop everything to pray to rid myself of the feeling of being attacked by evil spirits, I am sick of condescending, humiliating medical types and their trite advice, of uncaring ODSP workers who don't do their job, of police officers around the corner at all hours, who would sooner shoot me dead than protect me if something went wrong and I seemed the least bit out of it in public.  I have a medical chart that is a complete mess, I don't have the money to get my life sorted out easily, or even hop on a plane bound for the Caribbean once a year, just to keep sane.  I have enough to break even and maybe treat myself here and there, but mostly I am in agony and I lie around in deep contemplation, unaware of how to proceed.  I live in a psychological hell that is impossible to escape.

I think for now I might check into CAMH soon, even though they offer little more than gentle oppression and bad food, but I'm suffering from "inner city pressure" and I don't know what else to do, because, again, I am just a poor woman, no one really cares about me except for other poor people.  No one has any good answers, I can't afford to see my analyst more than I am able to these days, and I don't want to bother anyone else with my problems when they are all miserable themselves.  I have learned the best way to be liked by others is to blend in by not complaining about anything, by pretending that all is well, and to not ask for help.  I say this because when I do ask for help, it's never real help, it's embarrassing and just adds to a miserable profile of my character that psychiatrists will never change.

It's controversial that people are starting to get medically assisted dying for mental health reasons, but I can't help but feel it's inevitable in this society, the way things are looking in our world.  Though I want to cling to hope that there are finer days ahead, I am just getting older and wearier, with no one around who knows what to say, and no magic answer.  I wish I had a loving partner, but no one wants a girlfriend who isn't going to be a dirty slut in the bedroom, no matter what they like about her in the streets.  That's the vibe of men in Toronto.

So, new rule... 10 years.  Then I re-examine the MAiD idea.

"Inner City Pressure" - Flight of the Conchords

-Saraƒin