"St. Dymphna" - a Mad Pride psychedelic Catholic icon...

I just finished another painting!

After I completed the "St. Lucy of Syracuse" icon, I decided to do another that would be both a Catholic saint but also a nod to the Mad Pride movement.  Though I have done another more traditional looking St. Dymphna piece (with a detail that insinuated tabernanthe iboga, which has the chemical ibogaine in it, a miracle drug for both addiction and certain forms of mental illness) and St. Dymphna was heavily referenced in "Asylum Squad" as the patron saint that Liz Madder turned to when calling for help, I thought it was time to do another piece about her.

Though I can't say I feel a strong mystical tie to this particular saint (probably because other saints had already helped me, among them were St. Jude, St. Anthony, and St. Therese) she is nonetheless very important as a figure that many who struggle with mental health problems turn to when praying for wellness.  I got the sense it would be interesting imagery to have her standing upon a mound of pills and hypodermic needles, with "Saint Dymphna, Release Us, Glory In Madness" spelled out in Latin ransom note style lettering.  ("Glory In Madness" was the best translation my personal Rosetta Stone and good friend, former Poet Laureate and fellow Mad Pride creative, Richard Yves Sitoski, could come up with for "Mad Pride" in Latin, since the Google AI translation used the negative connotation for the word "Pride" when I attempted it with a literal translation of "Mad Pride", so that is why this phrase is included.)

Again, St. Dymphna was not a saint who I felt had a major hand in my recovery, but I did conquer levels of my challenges where I had to rely on psychiatric medications, so I wanted an image of this saint representing the achievement of that goal, towering over the pharmaceuticals.  Above her head is a Psi, representing both the field of psychology but also the soul.  I gave the background a wavy psychedelic gradient feel, in warm creams, suggesting glory.

As usual, this is made with acrylics, paint pens, Sharpies, imitation gold leaf, and ransom note style cut out letters on canvas.  The canvas is very sturdy, and measures 12" x 16".  I am contemplating the price for this one.  (I still need to do some details on the sides, so there's a bit more work to do before it can go in a gallery.)

I might take a little break from painting for a bit, unless something comes to mind that demands my attention, or I feel inspired by an upcoming art show theme.

-Saraƒin

Magnesium...

I took the advice of my mother (and a friend who agreed) and started taking magnesium powder in a glass of water before bed, to try to solve both insomnia and some leg cramping that I had been dealing with.  Weeks later, I have had very few nights where I needed to resort to my quarter tablet dose of Loxapine.  Also, the cramps in my legs have lessened.

Having graduated from Latuda in mid February, it became another goal of mine to let go of Loxapine tablets as PRNs as well.  Loxapine is still psychiatric medication, something I am trying to get away from entirely, knowing that long term use of these drugs can lead to complications.  I am hoping that all that I needed was just more magnesium in my diet.  I had tried melatonin, but it didn't help much at all.  Loxapine works, but it's extremely sedating, so I often felt groggy in the morning, and let's face it - neuroleptics aren't ideal.  There are other prescribed sleep aids that aren't benzos, antipsychotics, or habit forming, but when I inquired about them, they aren't covered by ODSP.

I have a general check up appointment I need to schedule soon with my GP, I will have to tell him that magnesium seemed to be what I was lacking.  It will be interesting to see if getting off Latuda has lowered my cholesterol, because I don't tend to consume a lot of creamy sauces or foods high in cholesterol anymore.  I am still drinking alcohol, but am trying to reduce that once more (it's all light beverages, too).

I have committed to a daily workout routine of about 25 minutes on my yoga mat, a combination of stretches borrowed from yoga, and aerobic exercises.  My weight had been creeping up again because I had been eating too much takeout and was not working out as often, but now it looks like I am back down to a size medium.

It's hard to take long walks when it gets cold in the city, so I try to get as much of that in as I can during the summer season.  The rest of my exercise is my yoga mat floor routine.

-Saraƒin

Hipster mental health awareness...

I am not sure how well this article will fair with everyone, but I felt like sharing my thoughts on this subject matter anyway, as I have discussed it a bit with other former and current Mad Pride activists, and we share similar feelings about it.

There is a certain level of a kind of "hipsterdom" from so-called mental heath awareness content on the web that worries me a little bit.  Mostly from young adults, it's a growing rise of content on platforms like TikTok and other forms of social media of individuals identifying too heavily with the contents of the DSM V as though it defines their personality.  Not all of these people are poseurs (like some of the fake Tourette's Syndrome cases, or false DID accounts), many may have been legitimately diagnosed, and perhaps sometimes have something very meaningful to say about these experiences.

My concern isn't that people are talking about it, it's that the way this is done sometimes becomes a rather insulting way of seeing oneself.  This may seem powerful or meaningful in youth (God knows, I was guilty of it a bit myself in my early 20s when I didn't get how deep the rabbit hole would get later), but if you ever find yourself dehumanized in long term care, subjected to CTOs, affected by law and mental health, or other such humiliations, the tone of this kind of content grows to become self-indulgent, especially to those who have truly been damaged by experiences in the mental health care system.

I have my own theories, and so do many doctors BTW, about how labels are not to be taken terribly seriously, that treating them like an identity is a bad idea.  I for one require a DSM V code to navigate the system and get the supports I need, I just needed one that made enough sense for my case, in that it had enough symptoms present to be a legitimate description of my suffering, and that code was PTSD, not the other codes they tried for a while.  If I had identified too heavily with the wrong code, I would have been lost in a misery and perhaps stuck in a level of recovery I am glad I finally transcended.  It was a real fight with the system to be taken more seriously, and if only I could be heard, I would warn people to watch out for the dangers of heavily identifying with these diagnostic constructs.  Individuals are much deeper than this, and there is a wiser person that lies within us all, if you are willing to do the work.  So yes, I will admit to having PTSD, but I don't like identifying with it too much, it's simply a code issued as a means to an end... survival while I can't work as hard as one would expect me to.

Also, I will state again having what I call alternative mental health means I perceive the world differently, because I navigate at least two worlds at all times, engaging the spirit world, almost like someone from a more traditional society living in the big city.  I have my own theories about what the west got wrong about unusual psychology, why this happens, and what might help with solving levels of suffering, but often I can't be heard by western medicine when I voice these ideas, for psychiatry is not there yet with the spiritual perspective, and my credentials don't seem impressive enough.  Canada doesn't even believe in healthy voice hearing, the great mystics of the past would be outraged, as an example.

I am sorry we lost our souls and decided this was fine.  I can't say I agree and have decided to live my life in such a way so as to tackle the day and solve problems immediately as they surface, focusing only on what matters, and maybe a little bit on what I truly want and care about.  I think taking up too much space makes us all sick, and that simple living was very helpful, in my case, when it came to recovery.

-Saraƒin

"St. Lucy of Syracuse" - new painting...

The muse is visiting these days, so I felt like painting again, and I wanted to tackle another Catholic martyr - St. Lucy of Syracuse, the patron saint of those who suffer from eye problems.

The story goes that around the time of her martyrdom, under torture, her eyes were gouged out, but God miraculously restored them.  Most depictions of St. Lucy are not nearly this painful... I certainly seem to have themes of crying blood in a lot of my art.

I wanted this to be heavy on the pastels for an ethereal quality, as if Lucy is already in Heaven, despite her torment.  Included are psychedelic lines in the background, adding to that ethereal quality.  Initially, I was going to add pupils, but decided against it for an otherworldly feel that the absence of pupils seemed to give.

It kind of looks a bit like Vaporwave art, which was not my intention, but I don't mind.  11 x 14", acrylics, paint pens, Sharpies and imitation gold leaf on a sturdy canvas - $300.00 is my asking price, I think.

There are no shows coming up that I know of where this would work, but maybe someday.

-Saraƒin

UPDATE: I edited the edge of the plate St. Lucy is holding since this post, it was bothering me a bit - looks better now, though I have yet to take a new picture.  I decided that I might give this to one of my best friends who really liked it, as a birthday present... when I told her, she said I should put it in a show first but she would gladly take it afterwards.  Now that I think of it, maybe Northern Contemporary would take it for their annual "A Nightmare on Roncesvalles" Hallowe'en art show, because it's kind of horrific.

Reflections on being misdiagnosed...

It took approximately 15 years to convince doctors to drop the diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder from my file.  It finally happened in 2023, but it was 15 years too late.  What followed was another diagnosis that was equally upsetting for me (schizotypal personality disorder) until it was (apparently?) dropped as well.  I have discussed this at length before, the subject is nothing new on this blog.

As I reflect on being classified with schizoaffective disorder, I am reminded of incidents where diagnosis is weaponized, or used as a means to control a difficult client so as to prescribe antipsychotics to keep them in line.  I hear it happens in Russia, for example, but it also happened here in Toronto, at St. Michael's Hospital, when a patient who had lupus was diagnosed with schizophrenia so as to control her with forced medication, because apparently she was considered "difficult" - the doctor later admitted he was making symptoms up.

Perhaps not as damning as that scandal, I can't help but feel frustrated by the number of doctors I talked to who agreed that the complete lack of bipolar symptoms in my case made schizoaffective disorder a questionable interpretation, and yet none would fight for me.  They also failed to consider the symptoms that were unusual that suggested that I was living with something else entirely.  I was issued an EEG to rule out epilepsy (turns out those were spontaneous kriyas, not seizures, but try getting a doctor in Toronto to even know what a kriya is) - when they decided it couldn't be related to seizures, they shrugged off all mystery symptoms and chose to ignore them.  The Jungian analyst I had got it, along with the rogue psychiatrist I once had who agreed that what I went through was all bullshit, but I guess I had to convince inpatient care doctors for anything to change.

But the damage in my relationship to medicine, as I have discussed before, was done.  I was so put off by how things played out, I went on an extended hiatus to contemplate how to proceed with my image in the art world, after my name became synonymous with a disorder I simply did not have and was trying to protest.  Now that I am Latuda free and not involved with psychiatry anymore, I am hoping that my new work, which is mostly related to the soul, will catch on somehow and promote the true story of what I was enduring = an ancient condition that can arise when someone is called to transform.  This would all be so much easier if only the American Psychiatric Association would recognize such ancient conditions in a future edition of the DSM, because apparently labels matter more than true insight.  I don't even expect anyone to take the possession component seriously in this city's wretched medical care system, but it would be a fine day in Toronto if they would at least recognize the existence of transformative psychology.

While some Mad Pride people are fine identifying with their diagnoses, many others feel as I do about how reductive these labels can be, so my frustrations are not out of the ordinary.  Thankfully, with time, common sense in my case prevailed, and I finally got away from the white coats.

One day I will look at my psychiatric profile, perhaps out of morbid curiosity, but not today - it still feels too raw.

-Saraƒin

"God Save The Queen"...

Well, I'm very pleased with how this one turned out!

I decided to call this piece "God Save The Queen" as a nod to The Sex Pistols, this being a painting inspired by punk culture going into a show that's rock music themed.

I got the idea to add the Latin with ransom note style lettering, cut from old magazines.  I had a blast getting on the floor, cutting letters out while playing The Clash.  I also decided it would be fun to add a few safety pins, so I punctured the canvas with them, and added a few drips of blood.  I chose three to represent the Holy Trinity.

The message of this piece became a statement about the growing renewed interest in the Sacred Feminine, be it related to environmental concerns, or dissatisfaction with mainstream religion.  Here, Mother Mary is presented as a punk goddess with Kali Maa undertones.  I have felt since I began mystically working with Mary that She is more than "just another saint", She is an embodiment of the Sacred Feminine, which has been argued by the East, as an example.  The Latin, which translates (hopefully not crudely) to "Punk's not dead, neither is God" suggests new ways of perceiving or understanding God, rather than rejecting God entirely.

14 x 18", acrylics, imitation gold leaf, paint pens and Sharpies on a big sturdy canvas, plus three safety pins added for detail.  I think I will ask $400.00 for this one, it has a lot of detail, and I am very happy with the results.  (As usual, there might be some touch-ups, but She's done.)

Here is the flyer for the art show this piece is going into:

-Saraƒin

Notes on going goth (and being into counterculture in general)...

Perhaps it's time for a slightly more lighthearted post, after some of the heavy content I have recently produced, reflections on my struggle with occult/religious problems.

I have joked before that I felt it to be a crime to not go goth as a fashion style with the kind of strangeness my life has been about.  I have always loved the music, so technically that was goth enough for levels of it, but I wanted to embrace the look more in recent years, to have more fun.  I spent too many years looking frumpy while in a sicker state as a soul, so when I got the upper hand of my spiritual situation, I decided it was time to reinvent my look.

Not having a lot of money, I started doing what many goths do, poor or otherwise - I regularly hit the thrift stores and sales racks.  I got back into the local goth scene by going clubbing again and doing alternative karaoke, often at least once a week, and made new friends.  I decorated parts of my apartment to make it into a gothic den, using Hallowe'en decorations, art, and religious artifacts.  Because I am not good with hair stuff, I began donning a black veil look and added accessories to cover my shaggy mane... I got better with makeup.  When I lost weight due to lifestyle changes, I had more successes with authentic goth thrift finds that actually fit.

Some funny things I've noticed about regularly gothing it up - firstly, more people approach me for cigarettes or a lighter when I'm in this look, assuming I'm a smoker.  (Apart from the occasional cigar, I don't smoke at all anymore, no marijuana either.) Secondly, security guards in certain stores began hovering over me, I guess they assume all goths are shoplifters.  One time I was accused of shoplifting a perfume from Sephora, until I willingly offered to show them the contents of my backpack, which was when they backed off.  After that incident, I decided to boycott Sephora and blast them on social media for being ignorant about counterculture people.  Lastly, more people started approaching me to proselytize with Jesus.  My answer to that kind of thing is to always gently say that I am Anglican Goth, go to church, and know Jesus well, not telling them about other levels of my spirituality.  It is usually met with surprise and some embarrassment on their part, I suppose some denominations are warning Christians of the "dangers" of the gothic subculture and its "ties to Satan"... sigh.

My main circle of friends in the goth scene are pretty fascinated by Heaven.  Two of us are Muslim, another few come from variants of Christianity, and there's a Baha'i Faith goth, too... and then, there's whatever I am, the eclectic.  We are deeply spiritual, so obsessed with holy themed discussion that I started calling us "The Sunshine Table".  Most goths in our scene I've encountered are agnostic, atheistic, Luciferian, Thelemic, are into non-theistic satanism or are neopagan, but then you'll find our crew, who pray litanies and Psalms in the graveyard, consecrate our wine with Catholic folk rituals while listening to St. Hildegard von Bingen choirs, and take occasional retreats to monasteries.  I am tired of boring Christians getting the subculture wrong, but in my experience it has mostly been from lay Christians, not the clergy.  Goth embraces virtually any faith, unless it becomes a problem where it makes a person hateful of other groups.

Goth is just one of my styles, but it's my staple style.  I have also been known to flirt with punk, lolita fashion, fairy kei, "dollcore", "angelcore"/"churchcore", "kidcore"/candy raver, and something that might as well be called "witch doctor chic", among them.  I refuse to have a day, if I can avoid it, where I don't have fun with clothes, and I often take photos with my tripod of my outfit for the day to put on social media.  

Like karaoke, clothes are just another major hobby of mine, and the hunt for them at thrift shops is always a joy when you discover something neat.

-Saraƒin