Monday, 31 January 2022

"Delusions"? When psychiatric diagnosing gets problematic...

One of the main reasons, I am certain, that I got stuck with a severe misinterpretation of my suffering was because of my claim to be possessed by an angry spirit.  It is common, according to psychiatrists, for people in psychosis to have delusions or claims that can't possibly have any credible basis in reality, such as a microchip in their brain (although Elon Musk's brain chip might one day change that!), or that said person is God, or that someone is pursuing them in some way.  The problem is, if you examine some of these so-called delusions through a spiritual lens, if you consider the studies of anthropologists and what they know culturally about other societies, some "delusions" could be more real than at first glance, and if a psychiatrist does not watch themselves, their interpretation could be culturally insensitive, perhaps even racist.

Now, I'm a white girl, but I also had a spiritual past with ouija boards and weird phenomena, and as the Catholic church can attest, this stuff can go wrong.  Why does that suddenly have to all go out the window once psychiatry is involved?  Why must a doctor ignore the soul to be "rational" in their approach?  It is my understanding (though I am not an expert on the protocol) that religion often has to play a direct part for a proper spiritual diagnosis (or validation, at least).  But I don't officially belong to any church that would touch this, and in a city as boring as Toronto, how on earth could a poor woman like me find something like that?  So, CAMH's answer was to just slap the wrong label on me and call themselves scientists, while I have to go about my life with a poor interpretation of what my problems have been, face mild ridicule from skeptical doctors in ER situations, and I have never been able to get away from a diagnosis that is not just flat out wrong, it spoils how I will be treated in the clinical setting for the rest of my life, or until I get a reassessment.  (I am hesitant to get reassessed because I am clairvoyant, clairaudient, a channel, and have other spiritual skills, and if the wrong doctor were to hear about that, they might still want to pathologize me.)  If I do get reassessed, I could lose my benefits if they decide I am not suffering from what doctors called it, even though the trauma from my issue still requires that I have a long period of recovery.  There is something truly problematic about the colonialist model of sanity, and the way we treat psychological difference.

Also - if you suddenly feel you've had a realization that you are a holy being, that you are God, some might say that you have reached a stage of enlightenment where you are growing closer to the Self.  But in psychiatry, if you word that the wrong way with a doctor, if you're at an ungrounded level (and that's common in an awakening), you might get slotted as bipolar, or psychotic.  I have lost complete trust that CAMH knows how to hire quality thinkers who are culturally or spiritually sensitive enough to admit that the white man's model might not be the finest (certainly it's not the most interesting) way of framing transpersonal psychology.  It's disheartening to know I can't put any trust in hospitals if I am feeling vulnerable... it's even worse to think that they might let me die on an ER gurney one day if they were to ignore my complaints about chest pains, or something else, and call it merely psychosomatic.  Psychiatric doctors, in my experience, often don't believe a word I have to say about myself.  (It doesn't help that I am a woman, of course.)

What I wouldn't give to put CAMH in its place for the trauma their invalidation has caused me.  Perhaps, if my humble little life goes anywhere, that will happen one day.  In the meantime, I guess to most people I'm still just a cool kook who does fun stuff with tarot cards, bibles, and crystal balls, but I won't be taken seriously.  

(Sometimes I wish I lived somewhere spiritually fascinating, like New Orleans.)


Saturday, 29 January 2022

Video: St. Anthony...


(I'm pretty sure I didn't pronounce Padua quite right here - oops!)

One I consider a friend in the spirit world, St. Anthony has helped me at least half a dozen times with retrieving hidden objects, and also with alcohol magick, oddly enough.  I am curious to understand his Santeria ties because of the Orisha he would be associated with (Eleggua) - I don't know enough about that affiliation.

I am not sure who the next saint I will look into will be, but it might be St. Joseph, because a close friend of mine just gave me a St. Joseph statue yesterday as a little gift, so maybe I should take that as a suggestion.  (I have prayed to St. Jospeh before as well, and I shouldn't neglect the father figure of Jesus!)


Friday, 28 January 2022

Video: St. Jude...


I think I will do some more videos on saints and other sources I work with - here's one on my first saintly source to invoke, St. Jude!

I meant to collect some of the awesome St. Jude swag my friend brought back from Mexico (just to show off in this video) but I rushed it.  Oh well!  Hope you enjoy!


Thursday, 27 January 2022

A film I intend on watching and reviewing later: "Benedetta"...

I only just found out about this one, and did so because of a Catholic protest of it.  Sounds like it's a piece of cinematic blasphemy to a lot of RCs, and caused quite a reaction.

The trailer makes it look interesting, but I suspect, based on who directed it (Paul Verhoeven - "Showgirls", "Robocop", Starship Troopers"... yeah) that this isn't going to exactly be a high class film about lesbian nuns.  I, being queer identified as a hetero-romantic asexual, have absolutely no problem with lesbian nun flicks, if they are done well - I loved "The Novitiate", which also featured lesbian scenes, but it sounds like this veers into gratuitous territory, and I worry what was made here is just high budget nunsploitation.  (Also - I like to delight in how trashy those Italian nunsploitation classics are, but that's low brow cinema, and I consider what I do watching those films to be a guilty pleasure... they are still bloody terrible.)  I also want to mention that a dear friend of mine who is a United church minister once married a lesbian couple that met in a convent and fell in love, so lesbian nuns falling in love in convents has of course happened many times throughout history, and shouldn't be ignored as subject matter.  They also deserve to be treated with respectful writing.  (I think the protests were mostly angry at the lesbianism, which is really gross - grow up.  The Catholic church is loaded with queers, some have even been saints.)

The trailer here makes it look quite arty, but then again, the trailer for "The Two Popes" made that film look like a serious period piece about recent papal history, when it actually was a bit of a pope buddy movie with quirky overtones, so trailers can lie.  I didn't like "Saint Maud" very much (I don't know how the church felt about that one) but I do like a good piece of "blasphemy" if it has something interesting to say - going back in time, I loved "The Last Temptation of Christ", not seeing it as blasphemous at all, deciding the scenes towards the end where Jesus seemingly goes on to live a normal married life with Mary Magdalene as perhaps his descent into hell - hell, for the Messiah, might be failing his duties as the Christ.

To be quite honest, I am so asexual I can barely stomach kissing scenes so I have a feeling I will be put off if it gets too sexy in "Benedetta".  Once I have seen it, I will provide my opinion on here of how I felt.  (I will not hold back if it really is a piece of smut.)

The soundtrack, which I have listened to on Spotify, is quite lovely, so even if the film is trash, I will keep listening to the score.


Another general update...

Sorry, Torontonians!  Krishna won't let me fool around
with the weather anymore!  ;D
 Whew - we've had some bitter temperatures out there in the city as of late!  I had to bust out the balaclavas and bundle up.  If you don't mind looking like Pussy Riot, I recommend buying one, they make all the difference in the world if you live up north.  (I got the sense I had the ability to affect weather patterns during the spring of 2021, but I can't seem to do it anymore.  I know that sounds like a tall tale, but it's not uncommon for siddhis to come and go when you're on a path such as mine.  I think it was to demonstrate it could happen, but I haven't seen more results in ages, so don't expect me to prove this to anyone.  Other, more common siddhis, however, are getting finer.)

I realize now a lot of my bitterness from past humiliations must go, so today I prayed to Mother Mary to forgive those who have let me down (namely, psychiatry and the legal system).  I am trying to step away from the "I'll get you, my pretty!" attitude about what has happened and can't be changed.  I will still do magick, but I only curse now when my gods want me to.  Other than that, I'll commit to taking the Christian high road of forgiveness, and move on.  (I notice Mary answers many of my prayers, so I think this is likely to change... I had asked to be more forgiving in the past, but this is specific to something I have yet to solve.)

I snuck a Catholic host (and by snuck, I mean I took the eucharist at Catholic mass instead of with the Anglicans) and beforehand I prayed it would help release me from the suffrage of the passion.  Later in the day, I was instructed to pray the Sorrowful mysteries on the rosary for more assistance.  Something stirred in me as I was lying down, so we shall see.  I can say I am not cramping as much, sleep is better, and I am not as stressed.  It's like there's these strange chest sensations in my heart area (that medicine doesn't feel is anything worth worrying about) and I wonder if it's related to my religious experiences.  It comes and goes, and feels like a sharp nerve sensation, but not even that - I'm not sure how to explain it.  I also have this persistent reaction of periodically inhaling deeply, and I thought it was something to do with pramayana, but I'm not 100% sure.

I don't think psychiatry could call me schizoaffective at this point if I was reassessed, but they really need to give their shrinks sensitivity training for people with spiritual suffrage.  (If they have since my year in CAMH, I don't know about it yet.) Ouija boards are as trendy as ever for kids who are into WitchTok and all that, and you can bet your ass that there's going to be ouija casualties from this new witch wave.  Just as my last video says, you don't even need to become possessed to suffer consequences from fucking around with one of those things.  Ouija is like meth - not even once.


Video: Solving ouija board problems...


If you want to skip watching this - the bottom line of the message is: Jesus Christ saves.  This is what I know well, this is what others also know well.  You will have to do some work once you invoke Him, give Him time and have a devoted practice of prayer, but He is the way out of the problems that can come of mucking around with ouija boards.  He is called the Saviour for a reason.

I'm giving my lungs a break and am trying CBD gummies, and though I do feel something, they are not as powerful a relaxation as just smoking a joint is.  As soon as I got some fluids in me the other day, my sore throat went away, so it wasn't the 'Rona, as nothing else was wrong.  I also should report that evenings have been all the more calm for me, I think the results of certain prayers are clearly demonstrating themselves.  (I pray so much that I am never sure what worked specifically, but I know things are improving all the time.)


Tuesday, 25 January 2022

Video: Spirit drawing...

Having already done a video a while back on spirit writing, I realized I forgot to talk about spirit drawing, a close cousin.  Spirit drawing began a while back, around the time I was first opening to receiving written messages, and has evolved for me overtime.  Enjoy the video!

I might make more paintings based on spirit drawings I have received.  Stay tuned!


Monday, 24 January 2022

Video: Working with the patron saints...


It was through St. Jude that I truly sensed the hand of the Divine open up to me, although I realize now it was there all along.  Patron saints are helpful (usually human) aids for when you're in need, and I recommend them to both Catholics (obviously) and non-Catholics alike, depending on how one conducts themselves spiritually.  (I suggest, when praying to one, that you ask them to pray for you, BTW - the video didn't mention this.)

More again soon!


"Saint Penance"...

A bad photo of my completed piece, "Saint Penance" - but it was late and I was snapping this over the stove at a friend's place.  (I left it there for him to scan because I have yet to get the drivers for my new computer to work with my scanner.)  I will update this with a nicer capture of it when it's ready.

This was done, once again, with acrylics on canvas board, some gold and black pen for finer details.  (It was a comic jam meet, so I did a few cartooning panels too, it felt good to cartoon once again.)

Today I woke to a raspy throat, and am hoping it's just from pot smoking.  I am taking a break from that, and hoping I don't have COVID.  Good thing I got my booster.  I have a pretty tough constitution and bounce back easily, so I doubt with the vaccines COVID could kill me, at least at my age.  If this remains, I'll have to get tested.  :0


Thursday, 20 January 2022

Coming down from the Passion: Suffering because of God...

Christian mysticism is a trip, man.

I just figured out that I have probably, since the demon's passing in 2018, wrestled more with God than I have with dark forces.

Remember when I posted about how being in union with God can be "too much of a good thing" for some?  Well, I think that was my problem, and I may have prayed to the wrong sources to relieve myself of it.  I think I tried with Metatron, but today I prayed to Mary to be rid of the "Passion" (the suffrage of Christ), which some mystics can experience.  Stigmata can happen, but also extreme suffering, too, which is what I was feeling a lot of the time, especially at night while in bed.  My limbs would often cramp, so I'd hop on the exercise bike to try and stimulate them, but weariness would prevent me from going for longer than 10 minutes at a time.  Headaches have been often, some so painful and impossible to relieve that they'd last all day, even after several doses of Tylenol, Advil, or anything else I would try.  I've also had soul confusion and a psychological state that no medication under the sun could fully curb.  I kept getting a gesture indicating stigmata, and decided it meant I was experiencing a variant of Christ's passion in my soul.  (BTW, I have often gotten physical exams and nothing was out of the ordinary, aside from my usual conditions of hypothyroidism and GERD, which I am being treated for.  Psych meds do diddly squat.)

After praying to Mary this morning, I felt waves of bliss, so I am assuming I invoked some powerful aid.  Tonight, I'm not as distressed.  Not being understood well by anyone (except for a loyal friendship circle of mystics and mystically inclined intellectuals), the secrecy has kept me lonely in this experience - the fact that I can't even be validated as a sufferer of religious experiences (NOT schizoaffective disorder) in mental health is in itself a trauma I have to bear, and I have learned that most doctors are imbeciles.  It's almost like, even though I can't stand the conservative nature of that church, I long to befriend a Catholic priest with a heart of gold, a mind for the modern age, and the soul of a mystic, to share this stuff with.  I have some friends in clergy, but I don't often talk to them about the suffrage, except one time I turned to one in the United church for spiritual direction.  I'm also starving for a convent retreat, which is off due to the pandemic shutting down the convent guest house.  Sigh.

Anyway, more art is underway.  This one is based on a spirit drawing I received in recent times, as though it had been drawn by another.  It's a work in progress - I am jokingly calling it "Saint Penance".  I will post the completed piece once it's finished:


Sunday, 16 January 2022

Video: Exploring bibliomancy with Rumi's poetry...

Time for something a little different for bibliomancy - I used my copy of "The Big Red Book: The Great Masterpiece Celebrating Mystical Love & Friendship", which is a collection of Rumi's poetry, to do some poetry interpretation.  (The first is the poem I read at my father's memorial, which is called "The Day I Die".)

I might also be doing one with "The Doctrine and Ritual of High Magic" by Eliphas Levi, which I have yet to complete, but could still probably do bibliomancy with.  More to come!


Saturday, 15 January 2022

Video: Exploring bibliomancy - The Upanishads and kundalini...


I did one with The Upanishads on kundalini... I might soon do something with The Dhammapada, which I have yet to read, but bought a copy of.  (I really have not been in the biggest of reading moods as of late, which is a shame, as I love books, but my mind keeps shifting and refining, and I want to observe it, so it's distracting for study.)  I am doing more meditation on and off - I find that my Spotify playlist, which I recently talked about on here, helps with meditation more than ambient does.  I think I understand why plants enjoy certain symphonies, because it feels almost like a flowering of consciousness when I hear certain movements, many of which are on that playlist.

I might soon do another Sister Penance painting - I recently got a spirit drawing of a funny little version of her, in a strait-jacket nun's habit with the sleeves loose, clutching a crucifix, wearing kinky boots, halo above her head.  Looks like something that needs to come alive on canvas board with acrylics!


Tuesday, 11 January 2022

Video: Exploring bibliomancy - the "dark night of the soul"...

This one has two books I did bibliomancy with: St. John of the Cross' "Dark Night of the Soul", and a section on this subject matter in "Mysticism" by Evelyn Underhill.  Pretty decent insights, I feel.

I got my booster today - my arm is slightly sore, but otherwise I feel fine.  Also - it turns out I can receive EI, but I will have to wait up to 5 weeks due to something they need to sort out, so for now I am getting the CWLB.  I'm glad I sorted that out, as I was slightly concerned for about two days!

BTW, it seems that the dark night of the soul probably is the best way of describing the suffrage of my spiritual journey.  I shall have to reread both of these classic texts about it again, now that I am at a more relieved level of my transformation.  As I channeled tonight: "I gave you my heart, I gave you my suffering, I gave you my love... I will show you more love in the world".  Love is something I am starving for right now - I certainly feel it from God, but I want to know it with a loving partner.  Probably the best reason I can't ever be a real nun, among other reasons, is that I see God as my loving father, the Goddess as my dear mother, and neither as a spouse.  Nuns are in love with God - I am not.  I still fancy men, as infuriating as they have been with me.


Monday, 10 January 2022

My Spotify playlist: Sister Penance's Score for Ecstatic Holy Rapture!

You've seen me in rubber - now listen to the playlist!

If you have Spotify, look up "Sister Penance's Score for Ecstatic Holy Rapture": a collection of (mostly classical / neoclassical / choir / instrumental / soundtrack) tunes that I find highly elevating, even with the sad ones.  I decided to make this playlist because when doing ritual I often find a soundtrack adds to the feelings I receive when my spirit is moved by something.  I thought some might like to hear it, so check it out!

My request for EI was denied so now I'm hoping that there is indeed some kind of CRB style benefit I can still collect, which I keep hearing about.  The problem was I had not yet worked enough hours in between my last EI benefits and this request for them - I think it's ludicrous as I have been paying into EI for 11+ years, but WHATEVER...  I'll figure this out.  I have had much harsher problems in my young life than with something like this.  I padded my TFSA with CERB so that will support me for a little while.

Anyway, enjoy the playlist on Spotify - I will keep adding more music as I discover / recall other songs that would be good to add.


Sunday, 9 January 2022

Video: Bibliomancy with "Mysticism" by Evelyn Underhill...


Time for some bibliomancy with a book that is not considered sacred text, but has sacred information - "Mysticism: A Study in the Nature and Development of Spiritual Consciousness" by Evelyn Underhill, a modern Christian mystic.  (There will be other bibliomancy videos to follow with other books, so stay tuned for more!)

Whew - my building's fire alarm went off right after I finished filming this!  Good thing I did the video right when I did!  (The fire department is really pissed at us because we have a lot of bogus fire alarms... I wish they'd catch the culprit!)

I should probably do some more painting, once I think of something that grabs me and demands that I bring it to life.


Saturday, 8 January 2022

Video: Divination with the Holy Spirit...


This one was mostly cartomancy with an oracle deck, but there's a bit of bibliomancy thrown in towards the end.  (The Holy Spirit is an excellent aid in attuning you, if you already have psychic potential - consider the Holy Spirit compatible with divination if you are working well on yourself, have the right intentions, conduct yourself accordingly, and have developed sight.)

Not much else to say right now - stay safe out there!


Thursday, 6 January 2022

Spiritual update...

I keep turning corners!

My brain has felt consistently relaxed for weeks now, with maybe the slightest issue with evening insomnia sometimes.  I probably will be calling my GP soon to get off of Cymbalta, something that is probably not harming, but not helping either, and so it shouldn't be a pill I'm taking if I can help it.  The answer probably was - more spiritual practice, and a hefty dose of BEEF!  Seriously, eating a hamburger (while holding the fries) every second day or so means I now crave far less carbs, and have more energy - I couldn't get away with that with just chicken.  So I guess I was missing the iron, the protein, and the prana.  I feel soooo much better than when I was just flexitarian.  I'm supposed to be a proper omnivore, with hefty levels of red meat, I guess.

I am going back on EI, I'm just waiting for my application to process, since my hours were cut at work again.  I welcome another little break, simply because it's very frustrating to do my job in the winter, and EI breaks mean yet more hours of blissful contemplation.  Getting back into art, little by little, will be among my top priorities at this time.

Also - I am booked for a booster shot for next week... it's good to get that out of the way.

Now, enjoy a little diddy from "Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars", in honour of me lining up a booster - this track is called "And My Name's Booster".  (This earworm used to creep into my head as a child when I first played the game, and is never going to leave.)

"And My Name's Booster" - Super Mario RPG