Wednesday, 28 December 2022

Spiritual activity in Toronto...

I often wonder about occult spiritual activity in Toronto, because based on my experiences and other stories I have heard, it seems like this city is a hotbed for cases of possession, oppression, and spiritual assault.  I don't know if that is a "living on stolen land" thing for us whites, but I have known people of colour who have had their share of problems as well, so it could be anything, really.  The crime is that all we have are mental hospitals to tackle this, and hospitals don't seem to want to validate spiritual or religious problems at all.  As for religion, if people want their services, it doesn't seem like they're sophisticated about this sort of thing here either, from what I have seen.  Thank God I'm just as determined as I am, and I solved my situation myself.

I might as well say it - I feel as though I have suffered a kind of atheistic oppression in medicine, because I know my problem was religious, especially considering how the original problem ended, and how I'm curing myself of the aftermath and trauma - my techniques fly in the face of science, but make sense in alternative medicine and shamanism.  As much as atheistic thinking tries to take a rational approach in medicine, I can't help but feel that there is no such thing as a science of the mind, and militant atheism has no place in psychiatry, but try telling that to mental health professionals.  What happened to me is wrong because psychiatry was wrong, and yet it passes in the name of treatment.  What a shame we don't have services that make sense for a situation like mine.  I don't know how else to solve things but to simply transcend beyond the need for all psychiatric medications, and then they can't possibly consider my mind the same thing anymore.

Someone in my circles is suffering from their own case of what looks like possession.  I have decided to offer free services to this individual to try and solve this for them.  So far I have done distance work and prayer, but I feel like to truly have a changing hand, I might need them in front of me.  Medicated, things are a bit more grounded now for them, but again, they are still affected, and not getting helpful treatment... so I guess we look after ourselves in spiritual circles, because medicine fails us.  I want to try a technique with sweetgrass that I used to get myself out of my own situation with possession, but the sufferer is not ready to come over yet due to anxiety.  I offer that opportunity when they are ready.

Possession truly is a horror unlike any other, it ruins people's lives in strange ways, alienates them, and is of course very often misinterpreted as simply a common example of mental illness - truly, I see racist overtones to white ideas in psychiatry attempting to discredit and invalidate experiences that are considered relevant elsewhere to other cultures.  I am outraged when people dismiss possession cases as pure religious fanaticism... a lot of people go untreated with these attitudes.

I long for great change in mental health spiritual care.


Tuesday, 27 December 2022

Video: Enlightenment for westerners...


The first one of these in over a month - enjoy!

I was out of town for the holidays... there was a storm that was bad so some of our Christmas plans were cancelled, but we still enjoyed good food, wine, and company.  Christmas doesn't feel like the most meaningful thing for me, I feel capitalism really destroyed something I once felt about it, but we still make the best of a low key celebration.  My family doesn't do big presents... maybe just little things for each other here and there, mostly practical stuff.

I feel now that I am phasing into something of a stage where despite some concerns about premonitions I am having (not bad ones, but concerns that I'm not accurate about good information) I feel much calmer out of the old mind.  Perhaps it is more of a feeling of being a bit stunned rather than the pain I have described from the past, so I just have to press on to come out of that.  It's interesting that THC now feels less psychoactive, and on par with CBD, in a way that is not just because I consume it often.  It actually feels like I am transcending the old mind completely... I have heard THC feels less like a "stoner" experience as the mind improves, so this is hopeful.

I am having a small shindig with friends on New Year's Eve.  As I reflect on 2022, it wasn't a brilliantly fun year (except for some things I did in September), but like other years, it was productive for my soul and I have seen great results due to my dedication.  I am very hopeful that 2023 will be even better, especially if I get a trip to Rome in!


Sunday, 18 December 2022

Getting reassessed...

I decided yesterday that I am going to go ahead and try to get reassessed at CAMH so that they have a newer perspective on my mental health.  Now, I understand how invalidating mainstream psychiatry is and probably always will be to spiritual health problems, but my focus going in will be to steer them away from concentrating on my psychological phenomena (now that it is much more well integrated), in favour of concentrating on the trauma piece from my past.  I will try not to go in with a strange tone, but I'm sure it might creep out here and there... psychiatry is just one of a couple of systems that has been unfair, if not flat out abusive to me, and going and getting assessed by them is like wandering into the lion's den.  Psychiatrists remind me of salespeople at Apple computers stores, all glossy and false... it's gross, and if you don't call them out well they're so crafty they will turn your humiliation on you with gaslighting, and you might not even realize it.  This is again why I hate the whole thing so much, there's nothing wholesome about the experience.

I made this decision because my shadow psyche felt exceptionally heavy at work yesterday, and I realized that as long as I'm walking around with an alarmingly false interpretation of my mental health written on my chart, I live in fear of what happens to me as I get older, and I truly feel like someone in inescapable poverty.  So, maybe I would feel better if what I had to say about myself was treated with greater respect from the squares who run the hospital system, since police also know what the label is at this point, and that might give a nasty cop in an emergency reason to kill me if they felt like using excessive force.  Just a precaution I have to think about in my position - a low income single woman in the mental health system, a victim of many things.

Part of me can't imagine this going well, Canada is not a place in the world with brilliant ideas about the mind, and I certainly don't want to have to get into why I don't even believe that the brain exists, let alone the mind... I'll have to watch what I say.  But if there's just a shred of hope of getting someone who respects that I have religious differences and that I would prefer to be analyzed for trauma, it could make a difference in how I feel living in this city.  PTSD, as much as I don't want to identify with that either, is a medical mask that I am willing to wear to navigate silly white minds, since it evokes greater sympathy for the client than previous interpretations have.  For my own safety, in the hands of professionals, I now insist on gentler tones.

Again, until Dr. Jung is respected at CAMH, another probably incorrect label will have to do, but... still more validating than what I'm accustomed to.  

Oh psychiatry, you foolish white bullshit science that still convinces people of ideas that are ultimately irrelevant... how I long to escape you forever.


Friday, 16 December 2022

Experiments with prayers and offerings to the Orisha...

Not culturally tied to the Orisha, I have avoided discussing this area of my experimentation because of how eager some might be to accuse me of cultural appropriation, considering how trendy it seems for angry people to "do their part" and call out simple seekers who are experimenting with techniques to try to heal themselves.  Absurd, but that's why I chose to avoid talking about it.

Mostly, I have felt reactions making offerings to Yemaya, including a wave of calm and bliss after offering incense while working with a candle dedicated to Her.  I have worn some eleke because I have been feeling protective reactions doing so, not because of any other reason.  My Yemaya eleke sadly broke recently, so I had to replace it... I have decided to be a bit more cautious now, wearing them only ceremonially when I work on myself around the house.  I am not sure how some would feel about me doing this, but because I feel I am working with the Orisha, it's an experiment.

My suspicion is that Orisha want to help people in underprivileged communities, and, because I am already opening in spirit with what amounts to the kundalini (and, because of the personal event with the entity) I might have caught their spiritual attention in invocation.  According to a few books I have read, kundalites are often more successful in prayer and invocation, for the simple reason that their energy fields are amplified, so it's not unheard of.

Again, all of this is experimentation, but I have felt some stronger character strengths in myself emerge since wearing the eleke, and making prayers and offerings.  I am not getting into Santeria, or anything that requires animal sacrifice in working with the Orisha - I can't even get through a beef burger without thinking about the poor cow who died for me, so it's not going to be a part of my practice, and my involvement with the Orisha might be limited, but that's ok.  They may just be other sources to reach out to in devotion as I try to blossom consciousness.  It feels safe to do so at this stage.

My diet, BTW, is a little lighter again.  I'm just not quite as hungry... this is probably a purging thing.  I usually eat about a meal and a half a day.  I suspect this is also a phase... at least I will save a bit of money for a while... tight month.  Everything in the city is going up in price, and I still require marijuana treatments.  I am also cutting back on alcohol... very important.


Wednesday, 14 December 2022

Marijuana update...

Well, after months of continued use, my conclusion is that THC is very therapeutic.  Apart from mild pot anxiety I have had here and there while using it, which I grounded from quickly by hydrating and calming myself, it's mostly helped with my anxiety, quietens the subconscious, made it unnecessary to take sleep aids at night, makes evenings calmer for me when it gets dark, made me more social, got me back into art, and I know it's helping with ascension, which is its main benefit.  All I needed to do was engage the plant correctly as an entheogen and I never had a bad trip again.  I am just trying to reduce how much I have in a day, for the sake of my lungs.  My lungs are not in bad shape but like all lungs, they need a break now and then.  I also talked to my medical marijuana provider, admitting I had mostly been using recreational government weed (because of money I'd save using that kind over the medical brands, and because of the fear of mail theft in my building, which is common) and he suggested there's very little difference, now that Canada has legalized marijuana.  So, what I am doing with the store bought stuff is fine.

An update too on the bandana head covering - I suspect that it keeps creepy men away, even if I'm dressed sexy.  I think they think I am either modest, "gangsta", or both - so they leave me alone.  Excellent.  Even in fishnets and goth collars this works.  Muhammad was right.

I don't think I can call my situation a religious problem anymore - it's the aftermath of one.  I simply feel exhausted doing this on my own.


Monday, 12 December 2022

A very strange download that I am wondering about...


This evening, after work, I suddenly had a vision of the planet with planes zooming around it, and got a message that the true cause of global warming is air travel, not carbon emissions.  Supposedly, when enough air travel is in the atmosphere, it disrupts the physics of the planet.  The message was - if air travel was phased out, our planet would cool down.

Can't say I'm a scientist to have much to say about this, but I wondered about it.  The download also suggested that what is going on with the atmosphere is also playing with our minds as a species, hence why we're going madder.

I am feeling quite a bit better since doing art again with the TikToks - I think I medically need to do it for happiness.  Not being a fine technician in traditional mediums like illustration and painting (I'm ok, but there are finer technicians, obviously), I have grown tired of slaving away over art that will only appeal to certain pairs of eyes.  Film fascinates me as something to try out, so even though I am not trained and don't have sophisticated equipment, I can have fun with this film app for a while, and see if it opens any creative doors.

I didn't get more than one silly video done today, I had to work... maybe more tomorrow.


Sunday, 11 December 2022

I'm on a roll with TikTok!

Still having fun with these animated collages!

Some of them have little stories to them in the lyrics.  I am a person who is "poetry blind", meaning when I hear lyrics or a poem, I often can't hear what they actually mean, but my brain forms its own meanings.  So, these lyrics might not tell a perfect story if they don't translate so literally with the imagery, but they imply something with what's going on, usually with the chorus.  Sort of a way of experimenting with poetry as someone who doesn't know the first thing about writing it effortlessly, doing it with retro pop music, usually.

I am not sure where these will take me - apart from television editing classes in the past, and a storyboarding course, I have zero film training, I just sense what might work.  Already I have gotten some profoundly annoying comments that I had to delete because of this strange Satan character I made who has the Laibach lead singer's voice - some idiot Christians honestly thought I was glorifying Satan, even though it's obviously a farce.  I am describing some of these as "shoestring budget camp", sometimes almost like John Waters (or someone like him) did it if he had nothing but his phone.

More psychic input about Anglicanism - oddly enough, this one was about the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby.  Interesting!


Thursday, 8 December 2022

I've been busy!

Oh my, this animated collage format is getting to be my new favourite creative form of expression!

I think part of what prevented me from doing much in the way of illustration or painting is the concern that living in a small apartment, I might have to come to throw out old art if I can't ever move it in sales.  Heartbreaking as throwing out art I made in the past has been, sticking to these means the only storage I am taking up is on the web, and on my phone itself.

Some of the influences and subject matter that I am experimenting with include Dada, satire, psychedelic art, camp, pop art, surrealism, musical theatre, goth culture, religious themes, puppet shows, and rave culture.  Something clicked in me and I just started cranking them out.  Unfortunately, I got excited while at work with uploads and have already maxed out the data on my cellphone plan (it's a basic plan), so I will have to go to cafes or just use my home wifi to put them together.  I had fun the other day, for example, just filming on the subway, and shooting random items at Value Village.  Then, last night at karaoke, I saw a Jagermeister sign on the wall of the bar and made a strange Satan clip set to Laibach.  So, instead of boring people with a bunch of selfies and weird spirituality videos, Instagram and TikTok might be filled with these instead.  I think I created some gems, honestly.  

Good to be back as an artist!


Sunday, 4 December 2022

I made a TikTok!

So, now that I am getting really into my little animated collages with sound, audio visual poems, montages, and so on, I figured it was time to make the leap to TikTok.  Here's the link: 

My TikTok

I have made quite a few reels recently, and expect to make many more.  Perhaps this is a new format I will play around with - I used to make little films as a kid, I even did homemade animation at age 8.  My dreams of working in animation died when I realized from others how stressful it is, so now I am just exploring this stuff as an indie artist.  I love pairing visuals with sound, and this platform makes that very easy.

I hope you enjoy!


Saturday, 3 December 2022

Exploring a little bit of film...

(Well, little clips and montages on Instagram!) 

These are something I recently began pairing with music and filters, to try and capture feelings I have about these strange times, spirituality and religion, pain and recovery, and life in the big city - let's see where this takes me. I like photography but it feels a bit more interesting with motion and sound, so I often just take a short film of something and then play around with it.  It's helping me to explore my muse again.

So check me out on Instagram @sarafin_teresapowers , and see if you enjoy them!


Tuesday, 29 November 2022

More contemplations....

I've been reflecting a bit on the creation of this blog.  In making it, I wanted to blog again because I had things to say, but these things were not something I wanted to do in comic format, and comics are such a labour of love, I felt it best to just express myself in articles.  The things I have had to say were strange and now I am concerned that I have alienated myself too much from my old fan base, considering my low traffic numbers.  It must have been odd for many when I announced my problems were in fact what I had suspected from the start - spiritual in nature, and grossly misinterpreted by mainstream psychiatric minds that had never cracked a book on spiritual emergency or religious problems in their careers.  Certainly, the vibe in Toronto is an acceptance of difference, provided it's considered rational.  This isn't a very spiritual place and I am better accepted in the scene if I accept a bogus clinical description of myself and present art based on that boring idea than if I argue the old diagnosis with a valid alternative perspective, one that raises very good points about why the initial label can't possibly be true.  I don't fit comfortably into the DSM 5 at all, but it seems that shoddy doctors insist on forcing their opinions anyway.  It's convenient.

More contemplation and prayer practice has led me to conclude that difficulty that I was interpreting that remains might in fact be some kind of toxin - it's like I have been reading a vague sense of something amiss, something weighing on the aura.  So I am calling them "satanic toxins" and am focusing ritual on removing them.  I have tried calling in Christ for release, praying to Mary and the angels, the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram, consuming consecrated food and beverage with the intention to release... we'll see how this goes.  Again, with time it feels almost like I am experiencing a front of love moving in, as hatred and pain retreats.

I suppose this blog is also a bit of a call for help from anyone spiritual who has advice on religious pain, since it's hard to find any advice in the city, and the web is a strange place, too.  It is an art project that I took on to express some pretty peculiar events and states of mind, while shattering the psychiatric recovery model image of what I had been through, which I find reductive to truth and meaning.  I am not sure what I will do with these writings down the line, I expect them to inspire or move me to create or do something else.  I don't believe this kind of writing is very popular, certainly it is probably not relatable to most, but in a world neurotically obsessed with the mind, intellect, ego, material gain, and so on, I wanted to do something a bit different.  

The more I go, the more clear it becomes that the heart should be my true goal when seeking higher consciousness, and certainly it should be a kind of yardstick that I should turn to when considering how I approach life.


Friday, 18 November 2022

Video: Athames...


I finally did an athame video - it suggested ideas I suspected.  Being in Jungian analysis for so long, I really started to understand the language of symbols.  Swords, daggers, and like weaponry are very powerful in many ways to the human psyche, so they make a perfect ceremonial tool in magick.

More symbols of England coming through psychically - a royal crown, some suggestions of London, including Tower Bridge and The Beatles crossing Abbey Road (my sight has a sense of humour).  I have been to England only once and it was the best vacation of my life - that was in my teens.  

Oh, to travel more... maybe someday.


Thursday, 17 November 2022

Contemplating on sin and shadow work...

So, overtime I have received several downloads about myself dealing with "sin", but also a troubled shadow, or shadows in my psyche.  Recently, I described an event where I got the sense some kind of relief had happened, in working with Jesus, and since then the strangeness has relaxed ever so slightly.  I wonder if it's a case that sin irritates the shadow of the psyche, creating strange psychology, and with Jesus your shadow can relax out of it, integrate, and you can understand who you actually are from that?  I have not been told this by any spiritual authority, but it seems like a reasonable Jungian argument.

I keep receiving oddly funny symbols of Britain and the Church of England.  I saw that churches kept coming through as spirit drawings for years, but now there's a suggestion of Anglicanism, or England, or English aristocratic imagery - some symbols, which made me laugh, included my hand making the gesture of sipping from a tea cup, like an Englishman enjoying his tea, opera glasses on a stick, and other things that are commonly associated with upper class England.  I will see where this goes, but it seems like a message about England, and perhaps religion.  It's making me want to check out Anglican environments again.  There's also the suggestion of a magnifying glass and a sense of observation, which might also tie in with the opera glasses.  (I was also getting an injection needle - then I realized I was due for my booster, so I went and got it.  lol)

I decided, at least for now, that because of the tone of my work, I kind of need to avoid too much self promotion, out of the fear of looking self indulgent.  Confessional work can be tricky, sometimes even embarrassing if it's done or presented badly, and my stuff often goes into confessional territory.  So, I don't mind the idea of people discovering my work and enjoying it, but I don't feel comfortable promoting this as my personal blog.  BTW, if people who watch me wondered why I made the blog temporarily private, I had an issue I was concerned about that I won't get too into but I felt like laying low for a little while.  I feel better about things now, and so I reopened it.

We got our first snowfall in Toronto recently, so it's time to break out the winter gear again.  Fortunately, I don't feel as stressed this year, so far, about the early evenings.  Hope it stays positive for me!


Tuesday, 15 November 2022

Video: Seeking Jesus with a devotional yogic approach...


I'm getting the feeling these are getting smoother, and I think I have THC to thank for that, because even though I can't do myself justice while toking away when I go into channel, it's the results that seem to be fine tuning it in the end.  I just need to find the amount that works best for myself, but the stuff I smoke isn't super potent, and I often have the equivalent of no more than perhaps two joints a day by the end, vaped.  Pretty tame.

I have suspected ascension is making me a little odd sometimes, I think coming out of possession and any byproducts of it isn't helping.  I probably wouldn't make much of a medical intuitive, since I find it tricky pinpointing exactly what the problem is sometimes, but whatever I am doing in my practice, things are improving.  

Going into the dark months, now that daylight savings time has passed, I brace myself, as I don't like the darkness of the early nights, I love the sun.  But this year... maybe it's a little less harsh?


Monday, 14 November 2022

Update on recent changes...

 Well, I suspect there's something to the "sin" lifting, since the kaleidoscopic montage of psychic visionary input, among other phenomena, has relaxed into something a little less tense, indicating a calming of the psyche.  What I had done that day that seemed relevant to this was pray with a crucifix to Jesus, calling Him in like a summoning, to lift all sin from me, as an experiment that I felt called to do.  Be it residue from my fight with the dark one, or something else, there was still a heavy burden, and now it feels like a relaxation of consciousness.  I want to give it more time to see how much more things shift.

Reflecting on my art, I have concluded that despite the often gritty, sexy overtones to it, what I am really demonstrating in all of my work is the subconscious, and the strangeness it can bring.  (Sex has always been grotesque to me, so you won't catch me making it look romantic, or particularly erotic.)  My subconscious is a strange, marvelous place that is like a cartoon show that is constantly trying to one up itself, sometimes it will heckle itself if it misses the mark, so this darkness did, after a while, seem like a foreign influence, because it didn't belong with my cuteness.  Today, I don't sense the same levels of pain.

I suspect that once all of the spiritual emergency lifts, what might remain is just a malaise from the sadness of being a mystic in the modern age.  At least in this part of the world, it's profoundly depressing, and when I do encounter people I can share my experiences with, I am very grateful.


Sunday, 13 November 2022

Video: Levitation...

I do believe this can happen - I believe in other phenomena, having witnessed it, so I trust levitation isn't always a hoax.  (Of course, it's never quite like it is in The Flying Nun - oh man, if only.)

After a brief mental health break, I am back at work again.  It seems it's been a strain for everyone - I wonder if Mars Retrograde is to blame for my concerns, and that fire in my building?  Mars Retrograde 2020 was when I was physically assaulted and had to go to an ER.  

I think I am at a critical part of my transformation and it's going to be a bit raw, especially because of my experiences with possession, which created a trauma that conventional psychiatry is unable to treat.  I have to live low and small, and take it easy these days.  Sometimes I am hyper critical about not being more involved in worldly things, like the art world... but then I remind myself that I am always trying my best, and right now, this is the finest I can muster.  So, for the time being, I will remain at rest.  

(Also true is that I still want to get on releasing that Asylum Squad omnibus - so stay tuned for that!)


Saturday, 12 November 2022

Perhaps a new degree of release...

I am not sure about this yet, but as I was enjoying a late night soak in the tub (I like to do bath rituals to calm down and prepare myself for bed sometimes, with oils, holy water, and candles - it allows me to unwind but it's also just more ritual to enjoy), I got the sense a new degree of "sin" (as channel has been calling the heaviness I feel) was releasing.  Today it's a bit less heavy feeling in me, though I still feel slightly funny in consciousness, concluding that yes this is mostly psychology, or perhaps soul trauma, which is also psychology, but not a level that mainline psychiatry wants to discuss.

I am going out of town soon to visit relatives with two girlfriends - I think it will feel good, I was frustrated that I might had ended up back in CAMH recently.  I know I should trust these places more, but I just feel like I'm always talking to a wall with most people who work there.  I have met one cool psychiatrist and a handful of nurses that were great, I know a psychologist and others who work there who are the salt of the earth, but damn... I seem to always get the worst of them when my shit hits the fan.

I will observe over the next week how I feel since last night, and if anything major changes, it shall be documented.


Friday, 11 November 2022

My suspicions with the subconscious: shadows...

 So I think one of the best ideas to follow that would suggest where my struggle currently lies is the idea of the Jungian shadow, or shadows in the mind, and how they may affect my psyche.  I was contemplating shadow work, and even though I have strived to confront my shadow's neuroses and sort things out, the traumas from possession created weird shadows in the mind, which play out as phenomena.  It is extremely exhausting to deal with, and medication doesn't shut it down - this is pure psychology, I guess I just need to press on with Jungian analysis and prayer work to solve it.  Praying to Jesus indicated that He would iron things out in the psyche for me eventually, but in the meantime I need to do what I have to do to maintain grounding.  As I have mentioned before, this means having to commit to a life, albeit maybe just for for now, of simplicity, exploring things that bring calm and truly rich feelings, and not pushing myself too much.  My ego is doing pretty well, my self is in good shape, but the shadow psyche, I feel, needs a strait-jacket after what I have been through.  It's as though a little Tasmanian devil shows up once in a while to aggravate my day, and I think this is what is causing my fatigue and a feeling of lead-like weight throughout me, since I guess, based on the tests run when I get checkups, I seem to check out, at least when blood is drawn.

I contemplate shadow psyche, and it leads me to wonder if actual devils, like the kind we discuss in religion, are shadows in the psyche of God, and that we witnessing seeing God's pain with creation when these shadows are evident in how they effect things.  I like the Indian idea of existing in "Vishnu's Dream" - perhaps devils are unresolved shadow work in the mind of God, in the play of life we exist in.  I believe God is all loving, but devils make Him seem daunting sometimes.

I caught up with my analyst, and by the end of the conversation, he felt I was doing ok, just having some advice to share about the marijuana experiment.  I probably should start seeing him again more regularly.


Thursday, 10 November 2022

Some new realizations (perhaps)...

Something that is becoming a suspicion of mine that grows with time is that my downloads are nothing more than explanations of things from my Higher Self, and that the Spirit's involvement is to allow that to happen when I pray for it.  I may have to do a video where I explain this realization, because I don't want to continue explaining things incorrectly.  The "Inner Guru" of kundalini is probably what this is, so now I am in a process of fine tuning the experience to get more out of what I have been calling "downloads".  It is that process, and the awkwardness that results from it, that keeps me desiring a facade of whimsy and self aware humour, so as to make an artistic expression of how this experience feels.  It is perhaps how I get away with looking absurd.

Years ago, when this began, I felt driven by something occult, perhaps I was comparable to that character from "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" who builds the mound and obsesses about aliens, except in my case it was about cultivating wisdom and pursuing religion, and trying to make sense of religion, as a person who never cared to give it much thought up until that time.  I believe that kundalini did that... I have theories about the dark one, but I am still contemplating things.  I know that to be a good contemplative I must check myself for truth in what comes to mind, and I have been in such extreme states that my conclusions have transformed repeatedly... I suppose my only real compass is how I feel in my emotional body, and I can certainly feel an abundance of love, but I'm scared it will leave me.  My psychology is odd, I understand that, but it saddens me how western medicine sees the experience in such a boring way.  (I wish I was Dr. Jung's patient.)

I took some time off work to come down from how I felt recently, and am feeling better.  I must avoid hospital, if they are not to take my experiences with the evil one seriously as a real world trauma.


Sunday, 6 November 2022

Video: Working with Jesus during a kundalini awakening...


I mostly stuck to Christian practises and ideas for a while, until I got the sense God wanted me to press on and explore a more eclectic approach.  It's interesting where this has led me since changes that came in 2018.  I still consider Jesus one of the most crucial gods because of His relationship to humanity, yet I also believe there are many ways to work with the Christ.  I am extremely interested in some ideas from the Christian Witches movement, for example.

I realized today I have basically become an unwritten Neil Gaiman character, but that's ok - maybe I have to be this for a while to transition out of more humiliating times.  An artist can get away with it.


Saturday, 5 November 2022

Suffering spiritually in Toronto...

I just feel like making another post about the frustrations of having spiritual emergency (or perhaps the aftermath from it, since I am slowly feeling better) in a city without adequate care that combines mental health services with religious/spiritual services.  I came up with an idea for what could help, but it probably sounds better on paper than it would be in practice, about having some kind of service with doctors who double as clergy in religion, or who have some kind of spiritual role in the community, and that there would be a variety of people of faith to turn to, like a multifaith thing, for education and secular assistance that could open doors in community.  I am sure it's happened somehow before, I don't know how well, but there's nothing that I know of in Toronto.  Vancouver has something, a kind of a spiritual care network I found out about... in Toronto, you better have money to shell out for something individual.  I decided to be a "wounded healer" and heal myself with what I can scrape together because I honestly don't know what else to turn to.  When people offer me things, I take their support, but I demand to solve this on my own (mostly), because it makes me a finer healer, if that is the direction I'm headed in.

The only time I hear of mental health services taking spiritual crisis seriously (and by that I mean they go beyond using language that simply panders to the client's personal beliefs, and actually consider things like how the kundalini can change the structure of consciousness, and how other forms of emergency require religious sensitivity and consideration) is when religion takes an interest in a particular case, such as possession.  I would gladly go to Anglicans for help, but I am not aware of them being an authority to turn to over perhaps other religions for fine guidance on solving things like possession - an educated friend told me the last official Anglican exorcism ended in a death, so it was dropped as something they will do under the church.  With that in mind, I don't even know what they would advise of post possession care, or kundalini (kundalini being my suspicion as to why I can do things like downloads).  I don't even know what Anglicans would say about the fine mess I have been in, or what happens when a Christian suddenly starts working with other gods, alongside Jesus and Mary, I suppose they're bound to be better in some ways than other churches.  I just don't know who to approach, and since the pandemic, I find Anglican doors closed now moreso than ever.  Again, I will take religious help, I will take any decent help if it is offered, but where to turn?

There is a bit of a damsel in me, I must confess - this has been so painfully brutal that I long for someone to come along and make it all better.  Yesterday, when I was packing my bags while considering hospitalization, all it took was reminding myself that medical services don't understand my psychology, don't understand how I have a difference that they misinterpreted years ago, and so going to them will simply reinforce the wrong ideas, they may even see me as "hard to treat" since my psychology is unusual, no matter what drug or treatment they try.  It's just who I am now... what hurts is the strain of something that remains a mystery, what in me is still in need of healing - perhaps it's just weariness?

Again, I am gradually feeling better with time, but it moves like molasses, and I hate going into the darker months of the year with a vulnerable mind.  I watched "The Exorcist" again during Hallowe'en and was kind of jealous of Regan's attention and support from everyone in the movie - I had to get out of my diabolical scrape by the skin of my teeth, alone.  

Toronto seems to not only be a sad place for spiritual services, it's also had a lot of cases of possession and spiritual disturbance that I have personally heard of in my circles.  Not good times for a region to not be equipped to deal with this properly!


Friday, 4 November 2022

Video: Working with personal archetypes...


First one in a little while - enjoy!

Almost went to hospital last night, even packed my bag - but I was able to ground, reminding myself hospital is no place for someone like me.  Staff always try my patience and I really don't think I need a med adjustment.  I'm going to cut back on the pot a little bit, even though I still feel it's been therapeutic... better sleep, calmer nights, cleaner subconscious.  I probably was just gunning it a bit too much out of excitement.

OMG - my wild family was on Canadian Family Feud recently (several cousins, and my big sister)... too hilarious, they stole the show, and won some money!


Friday, 28 October 2022

When concerning downloads happen...

 Oh, Christ.

I still worry about both my mental health with channeling and my spiritual safety sometimes, even though it's infinitely better throughout me than it had been for many years.  There seems to be a perma-inner guru that comes through to console me when I go the wrong parts of the mind, when I journey into the psyche to examine its contents to help solve my current state, which as I have said is better but still not where I want it to be.

One of the more upsetting things I have received as a downloaded image was what appeared to be ECT diodes, as though it's a premonition.  I do hope maybe it's not related to something I might have to medically face.  While I don't have much of a bucket list to speak of, I kind of have a "things to avoid" list, and one of them I would be proud to avoid in my life is electroconvulsive therapy.  I don't like the idea of it, some claim it helps and all the power to them if that's true, I don't like hearing stories where people have no choice in the matter, and I know a few in Mad Pride who got it and they did not feel the same afterwards, saying that they don't recommend it.

Receiving ECT, to me, is a fear that I have because of abuses that I have both seen and experienced in hospital, I fear that being a lonely old woman in the poor house means it's looming in my fate if eventually no one knows what to do with me anymore.  It feels like the ultimate reminder of inner city poverty as a geriatric citizen, and I can't stand the idea of feeling geriatric in my 40s (and I already do feel that way, considering how much I need to rest to keep picking myself up, to face the day with a smile).

I tend to retreat into the mind a lot... I don't know how to escape it when I'm lying down, it's inevitable.  I feel like with me there's the other world, the world of Spirit, there's the world of the living obviously, but this inner world is distracting if I get pulled back into it while idle.  This isn't possible to shut down with medication, and although I have found ways of working with it with contemplation and active imagination to make it more comfortable, I am afraid it complicates my experience as a citizen of western civilization, and the downtown core is so full of pain, noise, and suffering, that perhaps the empath in me is also absorbing too much around me, like some unconscious sponge.

Also concerning is the idea that, like an elephant, the unconscious never forgets, and I worry I can't unsee, as an unconscious, what I came to behold with evil.  So, what if ECT helps for that in some way?  I sure hope I don't ever have to resort to that - I would have to swallow my pride as a Mad Pride person, but if it harmed me I would perhaps slip a little bit again as a heart.

So, maybe it's just something completely unrelated to what I have to face, perhaps it's an image the unconscious is throwing at me for less prophetic reasons - when things like this happen, I have to check myself and not overanalyze.  What's weird is that this ECT drawing appears with a Christian cross, so I have no idea what the hell that means.

Last night I felt more uncomfortable spiritual activity, until I prayed while anointing myself with oils to several sources, then it calmed down.  Sigh, no rest for the formerly possessed!


Wednesday, 26 October 2022

Mild concerns...

 I have a few ongoing concerns these days, though it must be emphasized that I feel the worst of my situation is behind me.  These concerns have to do with not having the correct community supports (spiritual care is something I don't have enough of, I also don't have a correct medical understanding and supports, and of course I have to be incredibly frugal with finances, not coming from a wealthy family) - but also, I am suspicious that some of my ongoing soul's pain - apart from feeling like a bomb detonated in my nervous system from the possession, I worry I might have enraged negative spiritual sources because of my encounter with the dark entity.

The other night, friends were over for a month of October horror movie screening, and suddenly, under my breath so as to hide the situation, I received a negative download which I thought was from Christ as though Christ was angry at me, until Christ intervened and explained sin was responsible, although I am not entirely sure what that means.  This exhausting life was something that I fretted over quite a bit as I wearily sat amid emergency vehicles last night during a middle of the evening fire in my building, where I had to stay outside for a good two hours before being allowed back in. I just felt so exhausted from everything - alone with my pain, not having religion to support me because of how rogue I am in my mystical experiences and ideas, not finding help in any profoundly supportive way with the bare minimum that's offered in community support systems... it's not like I can have Linda Blair's character Regan as my Peer Support Worker (lol).  I simply have God, in all the forms I see God, and I have That to turn to when it's lonely, painful, and frightening.

Thank God for friends, family, and what does work, but I just want this ball and chain weight to come off my soul, where I feel made of lead, and vulnerable like a victim of extreme atrocity, like war or holocaust, because of what was in me that disrupted my functioning.  This is not conventional trauma, being of something paranormal, so I don't expect the correct response from medicine.

I haven't talked to my analyst in months, maybe it's time.  I miss our in person sessions - phone Jungian analysis isn't cutting it for me by comparison, although my analyst is very supportive.  Right now I am trying to trust my instincts with healing, since I don't think I can rely on humanity's opinions or advice, usually.  A scary place to be.


Tuesday, 18 October 2022

Video: Mojo bags...


As I scrape to come up with new video content, I might switch things up and do downloads differently once I come up with a new format... right now, I'm just trying to consider what I haven't considered for subject matter.

Since the fall began, I feel like I have had some fine results from everything I have been working on with myself.  I suspect my relationship with the Virgin Mary is perhaps more powerful than my relationship with Jesus, like I have some Goddess heavy concentration to everything.  That's yet another sign that mainline religion is not right for me, but I can consider practice from it that has been known to work.  Sometimes I am confused about Jesus' hand with certain things (although I know in my heart He's there), but with Mary the changes are obvious.  Interesting.


Monday, 17 October 2022

Long term goth girl goals - hearse!


Ok, I saw this cute goth girl and her hearse, heard the arguments, and I'm sold - today, being a hearse owner became a long term goal for me for one day.  (Home ownership is too rich for my generation, but this is a possibility, being within my budget if the vehicle is used.)

I had previously desired a scooter, but honestly, I am very big on safety these days, and also, a hearse is a much more practical solution for things like moving and traveling.  Right now, I am not rushing to get my driver's license - my concern is about having good reaction time in big city traffic while I'm learning, I just don't feel 100% grounded for driving, but give me time and I'm sure that it's very possible.

I would deck those wheels out with so much Catholic Memento Mori gear, black light, and gothy looking pillows that it would be a perfect spooky shag wagon... except, being Ace, goth sex is not likely to happen with me in the back of it.  Still, goth road trips, camping, and so on would be great... and, it's just that much better than anything else for scene points (not that I truly give a shit - I just think it's a fun idea).

My life has already been so goth it's absurd, and even though I am not the best dressed goth in Toronto (I honestly don't even pass for goth on some days - I like colour too much to abandon certain degrees of it), I was possessed by something malevolent for over a decade, and a bunch of other extremely goth things have happened to me.  So driving a hearse by middle age just makes sense.

Anyway, I want to have fun in life before I end up riding in a hearse as a corpse, dead in a casket - it's time for me to lighten up and consider activities like the shit people who make vision boards do with themselves.  I drew a tarot card to see if I might go ahead someday and do this, and out came The Chariot - HOPE SO!


Friday, 14 October 2022

Video: Invocation...


Something I have experimented with a lot, and may have even opened some interesting doors with!  (As mentioned in this video, I often invoke through the Spirit, or try to, with tobacco offerings.  I am convinced this has worked several times with gods outside of Christianity.)

Magick with oils (dabbing myself with them, consecrated to the saints) seems to be offering calm, if not, more spiritual release.  This has become my main practice on most days now, as I try to curb alcohol magick to the bare minimum!  (Actually, that is now under control and I don't do nearly as much as when I first got excited about it - lol)


Thursday, 13 October 2022

OMG - this is what RCIA class was like!


(Well, it was like this until Jesus started talking to me over the priest teaching it, telling me to forget the catechumen process altogether!)

Anyway, I killed myself over this clip because I always kind of respond to Catholic clergy like Beavis does here, which is basically to smile and nod, when they pepper their language with theological verbiage and references that most people simply can't relate to.


Monday, 10 October 2022

Video: Spiritual offerings...


Tobacco and frankincense are my go tos when offering to flame... tobacco is what I use when offering to the land.  I find spells consecrated with tobacco offerings infinitely more effective than if I just say a prayer over the flame.

I recently got chills while dabbing myself and praying to saints with my consecrated oils, shivers that felt sort of sexy... it must mean a reaction is happening.  Suffering is only slight at this point.  Phew!


Sunday, 9 October 2022

Video: Perfume and scented oil magick...


Oy - this would have been posted sooner, but I overdid it last night with friends at the goth club and spent the day recovering!  I'm better now, so here you are.  (BTW since coming back from the monastery and having that interesting reaction with the relic, I feel drawn to trying this kind of technique, since something feels a little stronger in me to play around with other methods in Christian folk magick.)

That's all for now - more to come soon!


Tuesday, 4 October 2022

Video: Medical intervention during spiritual emergency...


(I later realized that I think England is the bigger country for listening to voice hearing, but I think it happens in Norway too, Norway also allows for treatment without medication, if the patient so desires.  It's just more progressive in many parts of Europe overall... Canada is not revolutionary for mental health.)

I still feel mighty fine since my experience with that relic in Niagara Falls... things just feel so much more hopeful, bold, strong.  There's still room for even finer levels, but it's inevitable now... I will be fine.


Monday, 3 October 2022

Video: Hand of God...


I wonder sometimes if the force that helps protect me is an example of this?  At any rate, interesting food for thought.  (BTW, I think my Christian folk magick got more powerful since I returned from the monastery - exciting!)

Now that October is here, it's time to enjoy what's left of any warmth and take in any pre-Hallowe'en activities that may exist in the city!  October would be a perfect month for me if only it were as warm as August.  <3


Sunday, 2 October 2022

Video: Holy relics...


This came to mind as a subject because of my visit to the monastery with St. Therese's relic - I had an interesting experience so I wanted a download about what to consider if you visit one of these kinds of sites.

I feel slightly more powerful as an aura than I did before going out to that monastery, BTW.  Perhaps St. Therese helped me with my development, because it's as though my energy field feels a little bolder, and I can concentrate slightly harder.  If I was to name the chakra that was suffering the most, I'd say it was Manipura - like a terrible drain, both on body and mind.

I now have more days than not where I am convinced things will iron out completely with the remnants of my spiritual emergency.


Saturday, 1 October 2022

Virgin Mary prayer hacks (that they didn't tell you about in Sunday school!)

I've been meaning to do this post for a while, having felt incredible change working closely with Mary, which I suppose is one way I'm drawn to Catholic more than Protestant in the Christian side of my mystical experiences.  Having just returned from my beautiful monastic retreat, I want to share now some "hacks" with Mary that I have discovered on my own:

• Mary is a powerful mother figure, as we all know, but She is also a doorway to the Earth Mother, and is a fantastic ally to seekers who are trying to connect with nature.  After working enough with Mary, I found that other sacred mothers came forward as I prayed to them, calling for help, so I now suspect that although not common, when it's right for the person, Mary is perhaps a doorway to other forms of the goddess as well.

• If Jesus is the Redeemer, I consider Mary the Refiner - She takes what's there in you and polishes it, like old silver - and, also like polishing old silver, She can be really fun to work with.  The only thing I find is that if you approach Her with the intention of improving on yourself, you must be 100% sincere, and not treat Her help like an experiment.  Mary only responds to an honest, sincere heart, not a skeptical one.

• Mary can add interesting accents to your character, if She sees improvement with them.  I have delighted in qualities I see in others, famous people, old friends, and sometimes even fictional characters - approaching Mary, I have called to take on the more endearing or positive qualities of certain people I have encountered or characters I have read about, and it's amusing how I see it might have just added to things I am working to improve on in myself.  This can go on forever, and you'd be amused by what you find Mother Mary will allow.  (While glamour spells may simply shape your presentation, Mary shapes the Self, and it's fascinating.)

•Mary's hand transforms your heart to be what it needs to be to know God like a mystic, which is commonly understood in religion, but it's interesting how experimenting with even unconventional prayers and methods can really make a difference.  I personally do it with wine magick, Mary and the saints, so if you can get somewhere with folk magick, Mary is brilliant for that.

Well, that's all I can think up for now - I'm sure there's more I'm just forgetting about.  Shoot - I didn't get to the Marian shrine this summer, maybe before the end of the fall?


Friday, 30 September 2022

My Carmelite monastic experience...

 Well, THAT was marvelous!

I had the most mystical, wonderful time at Mount Carmel Monastery in Niagara Falls.  After a long ride there, the cab pulled up, and I immediately felt shivers, as though something special was waiting for me.  It was the kind of old world monastic experience I had been craving, one that the postmodern looking Anglican convent I went to wasn't quite the same as (though I still thoroughly enjoy SSJD).  Old architecture, lovely grounds, vinelands, and a 15 minute walk from the falls!

The staff were lovely and accommodating, and the tone more chill than one might expect from a Catholic monastery.  Even the Anglican convent I had been to asked for silence during mealtime, but here you may chat - I suppose it's because it's touristy there, due to it being on the falls, and a winery.  The food itself was decent, the portions were huge, American sized - too much!  I later found out all the monks there are American, and joked with a deacon I ate with that perhaps that is why the food is so plentiful.  (Every other guest there was clergy except me, although a wine tasting tour came through on the first night for dinner.)

The tone here is very Catholic, but not in the offensive way the world often calls out due to crimes and offences of religion - rather, it's of what calls people to this faith in the first place... the mystical, the beautiful, and (in this case) a kind of spiritual closeness to nature that I could feel from the land, a marriage to the Earth that you can find with an intimate relationship with the Virgin Mary.  The library seemed stocked with spiritual and philosophical literature, books on world religion, things like that - I didn't see one anti-abortion book or criticism of homosexuality in sight... it was the smart stuff, Thomas Merton, Meister Eckhart, St. John of the Cross.  There is plenty to look at, and if you follow me on Instagram, I took lots of pictures and made videos of my experience.

The spiritual activity was high, but all felt of beauty, and I think some spirits there could tell I converse with ancestors.  I was constantly seeing visions of St. Therese of Lisieux, the saint affiliated with this monastery, and when I donated $2 to light a candle in prayer and collect rose petals that touched the relic of St. Therese (which contains a bone, blood, and a piece of her habit), I got a clear vision of her smiling, as though she was gifting me those petals.  I kept seeing visions of her for the rest of my stay.

Something beautiful happened with that relic later.  I touched it and prayed for release from suffering, and within 10 minutes, my head was raised to heaven, and I felt something gorgeous in my soul.  There is a feeling now, back at home, that she has helped me in some way, but I guess time will tell about what it means.

I did a lot of praying, offering tobacco flecks to the land, litanies, rosaries, Psalms, and even alcohol magick with the monastery wine.  (I finished off the bottle and later felt a bit ill, but it felt important to drink that wine and do ceremony on the land it was produced on, for it felt like rich land, and I'm not sure yet when I will be back, but it might be in the spring with friends.) I came back to Toronto feeling very satisfied that something beautiful had touched my soul.

My only criticism was that my room was freezing, which I later found out I could have gotten help with... that and I simply was offered too much food, so much of it went to waste.  They have a sign up that suggests they are about respecting the individual and diversity of faith, so it's a welcoming place.  

I will be back, the whole thing was just so mystically beautiful with what I felt with St. Therese that it's inevitable.  Recommended if you are even remotely interested in Catholic mysticism!


PS: In case you need a refresher on St. Therese of Lisieux, watch this:

Friday, 23 September 2022

Video: Ghosts...


So this one was a tad eerie, when it mentions something I encountered in my teens - yikes!  (I was trying to get other downloads before this, but they weren't satisfying, so I posted this one.)

I've switched to vaping - smoking was just getting too harsh.  My Mom had given me her used vape (she and my stepdad have on and off tried CBD for therapy) - yeah, this is fine.  Smoking felt more powerful to me, but maybe I'm just a strange romantic.  I need to watch myself while still getting what I can out of the plant's benefits.

Now that the fall is here, it's time to prepare my mind again for the shorter days - that's the hardest part of the season for me, when that happens!


Wednesday, 21 September 2022

Video: Solar magick vs lunar magick...


Spoiler alert - Solar is my jam.  (BTW, that undershirt looked terrible so I changed it later.) Very interesting download, might explain how we fucked up as a society!

So I'm going to a pagan themed karaoke night tonight - thought to wear Sekhmet out to see how the costume works out.  No heavy gold makeup - I'm saving that for October.  Gonna sing goddess themed music, or anything that works!

I hit the bong with THC about 4 times a day now, which sounds excessive, but I'm not feeling it the same way I used to, and it's feeling extremely progressive for my psychic sight, and therapeutic for my mental health.  The lungs aren't likely at their finest, but I plan on this for the short term, just until I get somewhere with it.  My lungs felt way worse as a cigarette smoker, and it's true that sometimes the treatment can mean we take a medical sacrifice in other ways, if only just for a little while.  Chemo is much harder on the body than a bit of regular pot smoking, and yet we don't criticize that.  

(Regular THC usage proving to be therapeutic is good evidence to suggest to ding dong psychiatric doctors that I did not have what they believed I had, because if I did have schizoaffective disorder THC might be kryptonite to me, but it's really helping.  Ever since I attuned to Shiva I can blast THC and nothing goes wrong.  Hail Shiva!)


Video: Shaping ego for self realization...


A psychology video - I shaped my ego heavily with Jesus, Mary and Metatron, I recommend living a life of constant prayer (this can even mean under your breath, walking down the street) ... don't stop, and see where it takes you.

Today I began to muse over making long term plans to move out west to British Columbia.  No immediate plans, I certainly don't have the funds, opportunity or resources to make it happen right now, but maybe I should put my feelers out.  I dream of living among those big trees, mountains, and the Pacific Ocean - it's a much more beautiful province, and the closer I get to Nature, the more I long to be around Her.  Toronto was cruel when I was fighting for my life, and a change of environment might grant me the fresh start I am looking for in my healing.  There are some things that went wrong that I now suspect I will never resolve, so maybe the best choice for me would be to pick up and start a new life.  

I have lost all love for this city, and it's because of trauma.


Tuesday, 20 September 2022

Video: Reiki and energy healing...


I have had this done several times, played around with trying to self attune, don't think I got anywhere with that, I don't consider it a call for me, but I wanted to channel about it to see what I got.

Looks like I might test drive my Sekhmet Hallowe'en costume early - there's a Pagan themed karaoke tomorrow night and I want to wear it to be in theme!


Sunday, 18 September 2022

Video: Numerology...


Tried twice to do a money magick reading, but I didn't get the impression the Spirit wanted to give a decent message on this subject (since it is LHP related), so I did this video on numerology today instead.  Interesting results!

The Pet Shop Boys / New Order concert was amazing, a sea of drunken elders partying like it's 1989... worth every penny, even though we were surrounded by goose shit up on the lawn.  Pet Shop Boys' Neil Tennant tweeted that he had visited the AGO while in town, snapping a photo of a latex clad person from the General Idea show I went to back when it was in town.  I later realized - Pet Shop Boys are the General Idea of the pop music world.

The next big thing is my retreat at the monastery - so looking forward to it!  Nice and quiet!


Friday, 16 September 2022

Video: Sigil magick...


According to this channeled download, a common technique for designing effective magickal sigils is just woo nonsense, and nothing more - interesting!  (Maybe I have a call with sigils somehow, because I keep receiving them in spirit writing.)

I abandoned used bong water infused with holy intentions because I began to see it as no better than offering toilet water to a god.  Often I have to experiment with superstition to conclude that an idea is no better than to invoke a placebo reaction, if at all.  Sorry, Shiva - from now on it's scented oils, incense and flowers for you.

Oh yeah - there's a magic mushrooms dispensary that's opened up on Queen West in Toronto (Shroomyz), so I am trying microdosing for easing trauma and calming anxiety.  I hope they don't get shut down.  (I don't know about doing mushroom trips anymore, a bit much for me, but if I can benefit from them with microdosing, I want to try that for a while.)


Thursday, 15 September 2022

Video: How to know if your spell worked...


The best way to know is of course by seeing the results, but here's some other things to consider.  (Often I will feel, hear, or sense that it's working, or, if it's for someone else, they'll report the results to me.)

I had a bit of a self-conscious day yesterday, going inward a bit too much, overanalyzing.  It's apparent to me that love rules my situation, however strange it can be sometimes, as loving words flowing through channel always talk sense into me, always grant me the pep talk I require.  I interpret this as my Higher Self and its relation to the sources I work with, but it can feel just like a loved one telling me what I need to hear.  As much as my situation isn't financially ideal, it's nice to have this built in therapist when I'm not feeling at my finest.


Wednesday, 14 September 2022

Video: Using ouija boards PROPERLY...


I don't recommend ever using one of these, at least not in the way they are intended, but if you're gonna do it anyway (and many of you will) here's some suggestions.  (I also demonstrate how I make use of one for psychic readings, not spirit communication.)

My diet is switching to be lighter, all of a sudden - I'm craving lighter foods.  Transformation can mean fluctuations like this, so it is to be expected.  I am still eating beef but have cut back a little bit.  Sleep has been great and I haven't needed a sleep aid in a long time.  Looks like I'm on a roll!


Tuesday, 13 September 2022

Video: Tasseography...


Now I'm curious to try this - it probably would work somehow for me.  Maybe I'll get a special mug and try sometime!

Channeling keeps getting stronger all the time!  I'm really getting somewhere now!


Sunday, 11 September 2022

Video: Seances...


I suspected as much - most seances are probably fake.  I suspected that after enough psychics suggested that spirits are simply to come to you on their own, they are usually not summoned, but there are exceptions.  As someone with some medium skills, I do believe in mediums, but they're doing something different.  Mediums are not uncommon, but I don't know how common the truly brilliant ones are.  (I would say I have plenty of room to grow in that area.)

It's been a magickal, mystical summer, and though uneventful, it was quite healing.  Turning 40 wasn't initially a shock, but now it's starting to sink in.  I had decided when I was 3 that I never wanted to be a mother, so the biological clock doesn't concern me, but aging and disease, and aging alone does.  Death, at least, doesn't frighten me... I just fear dying without having lived a satisfying life.  

I try to focus on friends and family and the deities and spirits as my company... I suppose that makes me an eccentric.  But the world needs weirdos, so it's not so bad.  (Maybe I can just make cash out of selling cool shit to normies, once I get to a certain place in my life.)


Friday, 9 September 2022

Video: Communicating with alien spirits...


Wow - I can't believe I forgot about THIS subject matter!  (I never got into the whole Pleiadian starseed new age thing... I was too busy fending off diabolical forces, Catholic style... then becoming a witch out of it.  So it just never crossed my mind to bother asking Spirit about it... here you go anyway, though!)

(I had a phase where I thought I was talking to aliens, but they seemed hostile and confusing, so I think they were a product of spiritual emergency and how my psychology was changing and suffering in my situation.  I decided not to pursue talking to aliens as a project unless it seems to be something that I am called to do, or if it somehow crosses my path.)

Sounds like everything is set for my retreat at the end of the month, and I just need to put it on my credit card when I get there.  I can't wait, I feel this might be special because it's Carmelite, and I get the sense there's few as deeply mystical as that particular order in Catholicism, so I can't wait to see how Spirit permeates the premises.  I will take photos for Instagram!


Thursday, 8 September 2022

Video: Spiritual downloads...


New video - first one in over a month!

September is looking to be a decent time ahead for me, the summer having not been terribly eventful.  I have the upcoming Pet Shop Boys / New Order concert (it was postponed two times over due to the pandemic)... then later in the month, I have my monastic retreat.  I am not sure what to expect from it but I hope it's really quiet and serene, because I think the big city is taking its toll on me, as of late.

I just realized it's been a very long time since I have been terribly affected by the darkness of the evening, so I am sure that mental health wise, I really am turning a corner in the long term with my recovery.  I compare my struggle to perhaps the traumas a war veteran might have endured, except it's from metaphysical and psychological torture, and I'm certain many are going to just ridicule me for telling my story, even when I do it with art... I have decided to live like someone coming back from war, and so I do not push myself with anything.  I hope this changes and I get my second wind again, but for now I still want to take it easy.

The fall and winter bring darkness, but this season I say - bring it.  I think I can handle the short days now.  There was definitely some major healing in 2022 for me.


Wednesday, 31 August 2022

Watching myself with alcohol, and other things...

As I explore magickal techniques I am using and how they work for me, I am finding I don't need to consume nearly as much alcohol as I thought to create a reaction.  So, out of concern for my liver, spells from this point on will be limited to the equivalent of one shot of whiskey, or one glass of wine, if it's with friends.  I don't feel a psychological obsession with alcohol - I don't even find getting drunk to be possible anymore, at least not in the way it once was.  But I do like the taste so I have to watch myself.  I am now doubling down on being cautious with quantity.

Marijuana continues to be regular medicine, and has really helped with mental health and calm.  I feel like I turned a corner in everyday functioning since I began with THC again.  It seems like Shiva was what was needed in my spiritual circle to solve the problem where I couldn't enjoy it anymore.  But this is not so much about recreational use - I have a goal in mind for healing, and I plan on at least reducing the smoking once I reach it, and psychology looks better and better all the time.

This was a kind of a funny download: so, I am one of those ear freaks who can't stop massaging the insides of my ears with q-tips, scrapers, or anything else I can get in there to dig around.  It's orgasmic in my case, not the case for everyone, and I always wonder why this is true in some but not all.  (My Dad was the same way about ear cleaning - it runs on his side of the family. lol)  A download suggested it's not so much about an itchy, dry ear begging to be scratched and the relief that follows, but a brain that demands it, for something about the nerves means that stimulating the insides of the ears gives the brain a kind of a "massage" and can even help with brain health.  Not sure if anyone in medical sciences has ever speculated about this, but that's what I got!  Makes sense if dopamine is linked to pleasure - it's extreme pleasure in my case so maybe the dopamine is delighting the brain from it, creating a reaction?  Not sure, but I feel less guilty about hitting the q-tip box all the time now!

I decided to once again investigate regularly wearing head coverings, after I slipped on a bandanna as an experiment for the day and found it calmed my channeling and made it easier to focus.  It was an idea I had mused about on here before but I found it grew cumbersome with hats, but a bandanna isn't like that, so I bought a few of those... also, they keep my hair back.  ;)

As the summer winds down, I'd say it was slow and uneventful yet productive and pleasant.  I do like the fall but the end of summer can be a bit hard for me, because I love being the perpetual kid at the lake on a cottage trip, away from school, having a good time, which is what the summer evokes in me.  (Winter is definitely not my favourite.)

Yesterday, it hit me that when I made "Asylum Squad", I had written an allegory for how fucked western civilization is.  I really need to get on putting together that omnibus, BTW - I have a friend who is going to help me with it, we just haven't gotten to it yet.  Please give me more time... I will announce when that's moving forward.


Thursday, 25 August 2022

Considering ayahuasca...

Ayahuasca is something others have suggested to me, but - fearful of losing control, and not having done much research other than a documentary viewing, discussion with my analyst, and some periodicals from the web, I have never gone and done it.  I received some advice from the spirit world that it would help with severe trauma, so I should consider it.  Right now I am just asking around to see if there's any affordable / recommended options in this area.  (I know that there are, I just want to find out what they are and compare what I hear about them.)  THC is no longer a worry for me, psychoactives react well to me now, so why not, if it's guided?

Part of what suggested this medicine was an interesting download that I never would have expected, and I'm not sure what to make of it just yet.  I had been getting "777" in spirit writings, and the Aleister Crowley "A" from his signature, and I was sure it was suggestive of him.  Today I had a vision of him and got a hopeful message and a recommendation that he would suggest ayahuasca for me at this point.  It's interesting to be getting a download about Crowley after all the suspicion I have held of LHP spirituality, which is what I feel coming out of possession... I just don't trust it, in my case.  But the man was brilliant and perhaps this is something from the Akashic Records... we shall see.  (Wow... I've gone from considering going Catholic to an apparent download from Aleister Crowley!)

I am praying that this medicine come to me easily, if it is meant to be.  (I'm also getting a premonition that the next Mars Retrograde will be an important time for me.)


Wednesday, 24 August 2022

Booked for a monastic retreat!

OMG - thank God, finally!

I am FINALLY going away for a bit on a 3 day retreat to a Carmelite monastery in Niagara Falls.  This is a place I found out about years ago that produces ice wine and has a guest house where visitors can go for spiritual retreats, or to treat it like a Catholic bed and breakfast.  Because of all the St. Therese activity recently, I decided I had to go, she was calling, because there is a St. Therese chapel there.  (They might even have a relic.)

I am trying to urge my art again, so I may bring a sketchbook to draw in, since the architecture is quite old world.  I will be sure to take photos of the grounds and post them on Instagram, too.  I always like to carry my tarot cards, but out of respect for how Catholics might feel about that I will only contemplate with them in my room, otherwise, I will have my book of litanies, a rosary, and maybe a Bible for scrying.  (Friends were interested, but could not confirm in time or make it so I opted to be a scout to let them know how it is, for another time.)

I've contemplated the Cobra again as an animal to me, and I now suspect it might be related to Uraeus in Egyptology, and am experimenting a bit with that idea in practice and in prayer.  Lioness is proving to be an important animal to me as well, because of Sekhmet, and because of what a shaman who journeyed for me told me.  He journeyed twice and dreamt about me once and kept seeing me as a lioness.  So it's interesting that he might have caught a glimpse of Sekhmet's influence before I even began having the assumption of the godform with Her.

I am still learning how to control my channeling, and that is one major reason why I shy away from heavy self promotion.  It seems I get lots of downloads and I have to learn to just relax my focus and let them flow.  Downloads from the Akashic Records flow all the time, but I can also call upon them, it's interesting.  It's almost like having a psychic encyclopedia available all the time, and I am constantly seeking to refine it.

Today I think I nailed it in defining my approach to God - I want to be a friend to God, but I want to be a friend to the many faces of God, of many different spiritual kingdoms, so I can behold more of Spirit and conceptualize finer ways of describing Spirit.  It's a mystical path that involves transforming my psychology out of this process, and refining from it.

Also - THC marijuana has created some marvelous changes in my psychology recently, and I am feeling more hopeful about life.  A few days here and there aren't so hot, but darkness has turned to simple oddness, slight confusion.  My biggest demon is a fear of being too "shamanic" for the big city, and getting lost in it, not being heard by medicine.  

But hate - that no longer seems to haunt me like a menacing storm front.  Love dominates, at last.


Friday, 19 August 2022

Some thoughts on identifying as a witch...

It's not been very long and already I am not sure if "witch" is the most solid description of what I have going on as a practice, even though I will stick with it for now, since other terms, like "shaman", are considered offensive or misleading, although I should admit that between the two if "shaman" wasn't offensive I would choose that term over "witch".  As much as contemporary politics want to shine a new light on topics that have long been swept under the carpet, there's strange rules about what is considered relevant and what is considered false in spirituality, what's appropriate for whom, and based on what, as though the soul of the person doesn't even play a part in that decision.  I worry that if I self-identify with the wrong thing, I will be lumped in with strange white stereotypes, even in my sincerity.  It's tricky, and sometimes I think - maybe I should drop ALL labels?

So, "witch" is probably shaping up to be more of a persona than anything close to my soul's identity, but maybe in the modern world that's ok.  We experiment with persona all the time - at work, in relationships, with our parents - perhaps this is how I feel something out in my life right now, especially coming out of spiritual emergency and everything that came with it.

I went to a gathering recently to scout for kindred spirits, and I am likely to return again, but I could tell the room was filled with anti-Christian sentiments.  Since that's a major part of my practice, I felt funny and wondered what people thought of the big Benedict medal crucifix around my neck, or the mention that I work with Catholic-style folk magick, on and off.  Not sure if they were my people.  I have a feeling I would have a much easier time finding witchy folk who get the Jesus thing in the United States... scrap that, I know I would.

BTW, as much as the Roman Catholics have been a problem throughout history, I have to say - the most compassionate group I have encountered when talking about spiritual assault and possession are the Catholics, oddly enough.  They honestly wanted to give good advice, truly felt sympathy for the possessed, as if understanding how bleak it must be ... they might even donate a family heirloom, or some consecrated item.  The worst were the militant atheists... unsympathetic, some even talked down to me like I was stupid.  Pagans often gave lots of advice but it brought me nowhere in my healing.  Everyone else was more or less about the same in other ways... oh, except new agers... fuck them.  They just told me it was a being of light and to befriend it.  I tried doing that and ended up in hospital.  

So yes, thank you Catholics, for the rosaries, prayers, and support.  I think it was that aspect, among a couple of others, that truly made me consider becoming a Catholic, when I had that phase.

But then... Jesus said no.  So now I'm my own damn thing, still exploring.


Wednesday, 17 August 2022

Hallowe'en mask wearing - final decision...

Today I purchased some hair weave extensions and made these for the mask.  I decided, like the strap in the back that attaches the mask to my head, it will be removable with velcro.  I find props with flexibility tend to last longer, that's why I liked the idea of velcro being used to hold things in place... it can be adjusted easily.

Also - as demonstrated in this pic, I want to wear the mask on top of my head now, for safety and comfort reasons.  My mother suggested I paint my face gold, which I thought about doing too, so I might go with that and then have dramatic eye makeup.  It's fun over the face but just too awkward and difficult to last all night like that.  The mask resting on my head like this is growing on me as an idea the more I consider it.

So now I just need gold makeup, a black wig, maybe some fancy fake nails to wear... any little touches I encounter might add to it as Hallowe'en approaches.  

Good to make a nice big flashy god/goddess costume again!


Tuesday, 16 August 2022

Video of the mask...

Got some Dollarama LEDs, fiddled with the elastic that holds the mask in place, and captured this quick video!  Some things still need tweaking and reinforcing, but other than that and adding the hair extensions, this mask is about done.  I imagine soon the 'Spirit of Hallowe'en' pop up shop will arrive in town, and then I can grab a wig to go with this.  I'll also keep my eyes open for anything that suits this costume as an accessory.

Not sure how this ranks with my better costumes, but it was fun to make!  Can't wait for October festivities!


More costume updates...

 Looks like I have just about everything now to complete this costume, except for the wig and extensions, and of course the LEDs!  (And boy, what a pain in the ass that was today, trying to get help with that!  I think I'll just see if I can get a cheap string of them from Dollarama and see how those work... hardware shops haven't been very helpful.)

Butterfly in Kensington Market is a great place for cheap alternative accessories, so I bought some cuffs that felt goddess-y enough, as well as that infinity loop necklace I'm wearing in the picture.  I don't have the time or money to really capture anything truly rich or authentic, but I don't want cheap Hallowe'en costume accessories either, like those hokey pharaoh costumes.  So I settled for a dance troupe aesthetic, as though it's a costume from a performance.  The stuff I could find with that aesthetic in mind was within budget but could still look really nice in its own way.

The mask has been glazed several times over, and I touched up the nose a bit more, deciding the black could be taken down a notch - nothing a little gold paint and some pen couldn't fix.  I bought gold rings but realized I had bought the wrong type (these are better suited for key chains, not things like earrings and jewelry), so I decided to loosely hang them from smaller rings that I have in silver - then I changed it again, since snapping this picture, figuring out how to fiddle with what I had purchased.  I just finished gluing the cobra and the solar disc to the mask, now I wait for it to dry again, before getting to fitting, elastic, and anything that comes with the LEDs.

I do hope this costume holds together well with the mask - it's been a very long time since I did props regularly, so working with certain materials is a faint memory for me.

Well, that's the latest!  Hopefully by my next post I will have at least sorted out that LED issue!


Sunday, 14 August 2022

Another mask update!

On to the painting, leafing and breakdown, then details.  This is one of my favourite stages of propmaking... getting involved with the paints!

Gold leafing a lioness mask took me back to my "Lion King" propmaking days, when I would leaf the lioness cuffs for the cast.  I found that with two layers of gold paint over the primer coat, I didn't even need to do a perfect gold leaf job, because breakdown would mask imperfections later anyway.  When I got to the black, I screwed up the symmetry a bit, and had to amplify the black around the nose to fix it... I decided that Sekhmet here is wearing war paint, being a war goddess, and decided it didn't have to look Egyptian to be a beautiful costume.  Artistic licence.  It might even make her look extra ferocious when the LEDs light up the eyes.

And speaking of LEDs, I need to go to a hardware store and see about getting 3 LEDs attached to a battery pack.  Why 3?  I think a third one lighting up the gold disc would really make this look divine at night - so I need to see about getting that device made by a store technician.

Everything is in my bathtub now, drying under a coat of varnish.  2 coats of varnish should do it... maybe 3, to be safe in case it rains.

I can't wait to see it all done and lit up!


Friday, 12 August 2022

Sekhmet mask update...

After pouring my morning coffee, I got to work on sculpting with clay on top of the base of the Sekhmet mask.  Mostly I built up the nose and cheeks... I didn't want to add too much clay to keep the mask as light as possible.  After shaping things a little, I rubbed white glue into the crevices of the papier mache that weren't smooth, and into the cracks.  Once this is dry, I'll put glue on the inside as well.

I think what might come next is first a prime coat of white (of course), then several coats of gold.  Once that is even, I will gold leaf it, then do breakdown with metallic Sharpies and brown paint buffed into the leaf.  If all goes well, this could turn out quite elegant.

The solar disc was something I considered for a while - at first I thought about using paper plates pressed together, gold leafed and attached, but the shape might be too obvious.  So, having gold card stock left over from the Virgin Mary crown project, I'm going to make a cardboard disc and then glue gold card stock to both sides.  Would be less awkward than the plates, too - and the gold on the card stock is really shiny.  (I'm also going to shape a little cobra for the top out of the gold card stock, with a bit of wire.)

I will also be getting black hair extensions and a black wig, the extensions will hang from the mask with beads attached to them, like braids.  I think the only real challenge left that might take some trial and error is getting the mask to comfortably and firmly fit on my head, and getting the eyes to light up without any complications in vision or comfort.

This mask is now drying by the window ... I'll be sure to update with more as its completion progresses!