Evening anxiety...

Looks like my worst enemy right now really is just severe anxiety, which sets in when I try to bed down.  This might be shifts in consciousness, coupled with old traumas - I might need to keep a bottle of Ativan with me as a PRN, because just last night it happened again.  (What's strange is that I feel all of it in the lower half of my body, it doesn't feel like it's in the head at all, perhaps that makes it hard to treat?)

I am still not sure about ECT anymore - I don't feel psychologically prepared right now to undergo an endoscopy (which they would want to order before I would undergo treatment, out of the fear of what seems to be troubling my esophagus) - I also am just fearing the ECT procedure itself.  The room I was taken to where it's performed made me feel very strange, and I began having second thoughts.  Perhaps I should consider TMS, if any other additional psychiatric treatments, other than talk therapy?   I am still not feeling any difference with the higher dose of 120 mg - it might as well just be 60 mg, but I will stay on this dose for now, to be safe.  The anxiety that has come over me is so strange that it almost feels like I'm "possessed" by anxiety - it can keep me up at night, ruining my strength for the next day.  This drove me to the ER because I didn't know what it meant.  I hope that clears up what was going on - I noticed my site traffic went up, so perhaps people reading this were really concerned about me.

TMS also seems like a better treatment for trauma and anxiety than ECT, so maybe that's what I want to look into.  My psychology is shifting so rapidly that it's almost blinding, and I'm feeling an opening again, like a bandaid being ripped off.

I'm sorry if people have been worried about me, I am pretty sure I can tough things out with the right supports and downtime.  The anemia probably aggravated everything, and it seems I have been that way for a while.

-Saraƒin

UPDATE: I might have figured out why this feels so shitty - because it's a lower centres anxiety, it might be playing with my senses and feelings of survival.  Lower chakras are about this kind of thing, so the mind is clear to observe, but it may overanalyze with the irritation.  Ajna feels clean, but is really obsessive.  Guess I just have to keep working on myself!

Reflections on the CAMH disaster...

Well, that could have been much better, but here's the silver lining - I recently changed my opinion on jumping to ECT.  Had I not left early, I may have been in too deep in some way.  My concern is any additional memory loss (my memory is already not very good), and also that I have to give this recent med adjustment some time, which might ease a bit of anxiety.  ECT is quite a big deal, and I have only just recently agreed with its use, because I used to be completely against it, even when voluntarily used.  I need to give this more thought.  Now that I am on 120 mg of Latuda, I feel about the same as I did on 60 mg, but maybe with a slightly less edgy feel to things, or is that just placebo?

I went and picked up several bottles of vitamins and supplements to concentrate on that kind of thing right now, with help from Mom donating funds.  My boss is going to help me get on EI sickness leave, because I am too addled to work, and ODSP on its own is not enough to survive on, especially with my medical expenses.  So, I can probably collect EI again, being a working ODSP recipient. 

Also, looking on the bright side, Dr. Morra was a delight, and listened and often agreed with everything I had to say.  Like Dr. Hapke, younger and open minded.  I just couldn't bear another day without a therapeutic stroll outside, which I need because of my kundalini awakening requiring that kind of exercise to help ground the mind.  I flipped out, a male nurse or some orderly threatened me with the usual oppression techniques, and I left with my friend, who was there visiting, in a huff.  Someone needs to tell CAMH these pandemic restrictions are no longer necessary, but I'm not even entirely sure if that's the sole reason they keep them, since another nurse said "we don't want patients going off to do crack while on passes", like we're all walking stereotypes of the poor and mentally ill.  Gross.  Oh CAMH, please do better.  

(Here's something else really strange - Dr. Morra doesn't consider me someone with schizoaffective disorder either, she told me that, but she'd have to use that diagnosis for me to be forwarded to the ECT department.  But now that I don't think I want ECT, I don't quite need to be categorized that way anymore.  How's that for common sense?)

I am going to try and find a psychologist for the autism discussion piece, as well as seeing if there are any hidden services which might just make my ride a little easier.  The ECT piece is not something I am considering for now, it's almost like something came over me and I thought it would help.  It's just that trauma has been ridiculous, and anxiety is so strange at these levels I don't know what to do when I'm alone.

Happy St. Paddy's Day - but, more importantly, Happy St. Gertrude's Feast Day... hey, I love cats.  =^_^=

-Saraƒin

CAMH - still a prison, after all these years...

 I am going to see if I can get a transfer to another hospital, because having zero rights for patient passes is playing with my mind, and tonight I had a tremendous autistic style meltdown.  An angry male nurse stood over me and yelled at me to be quiet, which made my panic escalate.  A guest who was visiting scolded the nurse for being overbearing and patronizing ... he was threatening me with seclusion and restraints.  So much for quality care.

Apparently this stupid rule is specific to this ward, and even though I'm voluntarily, I am being treated like one of the clients on the forensic wing.  It feels like I'm reliving my humiliating past all over again ... no compassion.

Yes, that psychiatrist I saw was wonderful, but now I have to get out of here.  Either I get ECT on another ward, or I do it outpatient, but this is suffocating me.  I will end up leaving covered in bruises and with a Ativan dependence, all because I wasn't allowed what every patient deserves.

Tonight I feel my life doesn't matter anymore.  

Fuck the police, and fuck CAMH.  No justice for the lower class in Toronto.

-Sarafin

Cabin fever...

CAMH never changes in some ways, and it's strange what passes in the name of treatment.

I have been here a week, still no ECT, now they're considering an overdue endoscopy first to see if I'm still a candidate.  I have no idea what's going on behind my back.  This would be more tolerable if I was only allowed passes to go and wander, which has become one of my grounding techniques, but because of COVID 19 (even though pretty much most people are vaccinated and it's not as deadly at this point) I am never allowed to leave the ward unless for medical reasons.  It's weird how they have no problem keeping me loaded up on benzodiazepines throughout the day, but won't permit something as simple as a stroll through the grounds.  A nurse is going to try to argue I should be allowed passes for medical reasons such as getting fresh air and exercise, but I'm not holding my breath. I guess I just have to risk a benzo dedependency and stay loaded up on Ativan so I don't hit myself out of panic during a meltdown.  What a load of crap.

I already want to go home but I'm not ready to.  My Latuda has been doubled.  Again .... no difference in my suffering, perhaps I feel even gloomier.

Please just get this show on the road, zap me with electricity, and help me to enjoy the coming spring.

I am in hell, heartbroken, and have lost faith in what I thought life could be.  Hospitals are no place for the sick.

-Sarafin

Discussion with ECT staff...

 Today I went and talked with the ECT staff - looks like my health checks out except for a choking problem associated with my esophagus, which means there needs to be clearance before things can proceed.  My heart sank as I talked to another psychiatrist, musing about MAiD again out loud if I can't get relief, since no medications solve my conflict.  He lacked the sensitivity to understand I was testing him, and implied in its early stages, MAiD for mental illness alone might be hard to get.  I went back to my unit with the nurse, in tears.  Me, a has been creative who never amounted to much, ultimately it's clear, as it always was, that I am not an outstanding citizen worth fighting for.

Guests have been great, thank God for my friends, but without a companion or supportive figure, I am alone to fight my battles.  I will inquire and see about the possibility of periodical hospital stays for when the world gets to be too much, to take the edge off, as health fades with age, as I say goodbye to my youth, as I face the inevitable down the line.

If I can't get ECT because of some medical complication, and if nothing else works, I don't know what's next except to morbidly fantasize about MAiD.  

I pray for a miracle.

-Sarafin

Monday post ...

 Best CAMH psychiatrist ever - most spiritually open minded, gets clairaudience, knows about kundalini, but most importantly - she validates, and she listens.  I told her that if CAMH ever was to do a study on people undergoing spiritual opening or spiritual emergency, I would want to sign up for it.  She gets how the old ways of western medicine have turned their noses up for far too long on altered states and how they should be treated differently with greater consideration.  I am impressed.  My tone with CAMH is relaxing, little by little.

Next I meet with the ECT team to see what the next stage is, might get started by the end of the week.  I have prayed a lot to not be afraid, the idea of it used to terrify me.  Memory problems I already have may simply be from the conflict itself, so maybe over the long term, memory problems will fade.  I just can't live with this knot of pain in my psyche anymore.

Now on 100 MG of Latuda, I'm not feeling a great change ... drugs have never solved this for me.  I need PRNs at night, due to crippling bedtime anxiety ... when the sun sets, so does my courage, and I can panic easily.

Guests and family have been great ... several are in touch, or have visited.  All in all, so far, I feel coming to hospital was the right choice.  Not sure how long the stay will be, but it might be a long one.

To anyone who still reads me, even though I don't produce as much these days - thanks for all the love and support you have shown me over the years.

-Sarafin

Sunday post...

 Still in hospital, of course.  Evening anxiety is bad, I felt like self injuring, so I had my bedding taken from me, along with my belongings, but was allowed to sleep under a weighted blanket.  The "golden cocktail" for sleep, I feel, is Ativan and Loxapine, as I always wake up refreshed and ready to confront the day.

I feel so geriatric sometimes, perhaps it is ignorant sounding to elders to say that, only that at 40, I feel so frail all the time, I often want to lie down, and now I require ECT.  I wonder what memories this treatment will blot out - certainly, that's not why I'm getting it, I'm trying to reboot the nervous system, but memory problems are likely, so I just pray to blot out the bad ones, not the beautiful ones.  There certainly are people, times, and places I want to say goodbye to, my subconscious is haunted by a lot of it.  I am not sure if it works at all like "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" ... I bet that whatever it does, it will just be annoying and not dangerous ... maybe things like forgotten phone numbers are inevitable.

My friend came by yesterday with gifts, including an Alice in Wonderland journal, so perhaps that's what I'll use as both diary and a place to write down vital, easily forgettable details.  Man, this is a sad way to begin my 40s.

My boss knows what's happening and I could probably get leave on EI for the recovery period.  I just want to take it easy.

I also quit medicinal marijuana, finding that I have reached the end of its benefit.  Being in hospital should help me to sober up, considering how much I toked, and how available pot is in Toronto.  Really not sure how long I will be here, but right now I need treatment, and I don't feel safe alone at home.

-Sarafin

In hospital...

 Since I am not around a computer right now, I am typing this up from my cellphone.  After pushing myself for several months, I reached the end of my wick and took myself to the ER, to inquire about something I was trying to avoid - ECT (electroconvulsive therapy).

Mostly, I am anti-forced treatment, and I was not interested in ever getting this done.  Now, considering that I have tried over 12 medications overtime and none are completely effective for certain symptoms, I am following the advice of that one random doctor (plus my own intuition, which also seemed to suggest it), and after talking to my analyst and a surprisingly awesome female psychiatrist who works here, I have signed the papers and might get started next week with my first round.

Since my memory is already sorta bad (which might be part of my health problem itself) I might need to take time off work just to ground from the treatment.  I am not sure how many rounds I'll need, but it would be up to 12, from the sounds of it.  I might be in hospital for a while.

I am not as afraid anymore, and am willing to admit I was wrong about some things if this proves to be effective.  The doctor is listening to me about Autism Spectrum Disorder being something to investigate in me, and she also agreed on a trauma based diagnosis.  This might be a life changing stay.

It just got to the point where options were running out and I had exhausted most things.  At the very least, maybe ECT will help lift bad memories of people, places, and things.

Guess I'll be keeping an ECT diary on here for the next while.

-Sarafin