Medication update...

Just talked to my GP over the phone - all is well, the Latuda withdrawal was a breeze, and there's no need to go back on it.  But I still take Loxapine (another antipsychotic) as a PRN for sleep, and I want to stop all antipsychotics.  So I talked to him about non-habit forming alternatives.

Unfortunately, according to my pharmacist, the one he recommended isn't covered, so I am waiting to hear about alternatives now.  If push comes to shove, I may have to continue a low PRN dose of Loxapine, but I hope not.  I am just concerned about the long term side effects and risk of neurological disorders that come with neuroleptics, even if I am using one as a PRN.  My mind has just been so active at night as of late with reflection, and PTSD sometimes causes sleep problems.  At least I am not on a daily antipsychotic anymore, I finally reached that goal.

Self care is what I have decided to rely on for PTSD.  Due to the strange nature of my trauma, I don't even think I could find anyone easily who would be compatible for counselling the trauma of post possession, most would reject the trauma as a delusion, and I might have to shell out mighty coin for anyone compatible.  The analyst I worked with was great, but I just don't like online therapy.  So self counsel it is.  Thankfully, I seem to have a built-in shrink with the Self stepping forward as an inner guide.  This guide offered me advice on doing psilocybin, on proceeding to come off Latuda, and both things turned out well, so I have learned to trust it.  When I fret about something, when I worry, the Self starts coming through channel, and offers me what I need to hear to feel better.  Who needs a therapist when this is working?  It knows everything there is to know about me, and it's free.

Again, I don't think I will be doing mushrooms anymore, but they did really work.  One friend recommended ketamine treatment, but after helping another friend home from a treatment one time and seeing how druggy they were, I didn't feel like it was a good idea.  I am sick of drugs, and am trying to take as few medications as possible, and I don't really want to experience weird altered states, even with the potential for therapeutic results.  So I use coping mechanisms, take hot baths, distract myself with social activity, make art... the kind of stuff a mental health professional would recommend anyway.  No hospital for me - they might just drug me up again, I just have to lay low in my home.

I am hoping this ongoing leak in my unit will be solved ASAP, because it makes hanging around the homestead a real drag when the dripping starts.  It has dried up again for now, but winter weather hasn't stopped for the year just yet, and there's always the spring rain.

-Saraƒin

Waterlogged...

A major unit crisis is happening in my suite here at the project.  The leak is back - the workers said they can't make roof repairs until the spring (not sure what month they mean), and that roof repairs have to happen first before they can work on what needs to be repaired in my unit.

The floor is waterlogged today - it's not a flood, but water is pooling under the floorboards in the kitchen area, so when I step on certain wood panels, there's a squish noise, and water rises through the cracks.  The cupboards are ruined and bending, doors won't shut fully on them.  There is no damage to my stuff (because it's all just plates for now, and those can be washed), but I'm worried the water will continue to spread as it pools under the wood, which is going rotten in some patches.

This is a real test of my sanity right now, and I guess I'm getting a pass because I am still off Latuda (week 3, I think) and am handling things well.  If the water continues to spread, I will no longer be able to perform floor exercises in my unit - I will have to go to the mini gym in my building, or will risk getting wet if I get down on the floor.  Sigh.

The art for the next Super Wonder Gallery show was dropped off today - next Friday is the opening.  At least one other friend has art featured.  Hope it goes well!  One friend wants to buy a print of this piece, but said they couldn't afford the original.

-Saraƒin

New piece: "The Garden of Eden"...

That's it, except for touch-ups - I don't think it needs further details, except for some work on the sides.

"The Garden of Eden" piece turned out much better than I thought it would, it's almost like something from Dr. Carl Jung's "The Red Book", but more erotic.  What's fascinating is a tone that came out as I worked on the angel - I noticed there are tones that feel Eastern (not just with the Yin Yang), because the angel looks like Buddha a little bit, and the clouds above the Tree of Knowledge took on an Eastern flavour - I decided to add more Chinese influenced clouds in the sky as a result.

I think this is one of my best paintings in a while, I was concerned the colours weren't going to work until enough was added.  (The curator wanted me to put an erection on Adam, I refused - he's letting it go into the show anyway.  Sigh.  I was hoping the sexy boots on Eve would be enough, I had to reason with him.)

16 x 20", acrylics, imitation gold leaf, paint pens, and Sharpies on canvas.  I am not sure what the curator will recommend, but I might price this between $350.00 and $400.00 for The Super Naughty Show.

-Saraƒin

UPDATE: Just something I want to add from further analysis of how this turned out - perhaps the angel, having a rather Buddha-esque appearance, suggests a frustration that the enlightened might feel with the way people perceive things.  In this case, the Buddha wants us to observe what lies beyond human knowledge.  The boots, which I added to get this into an erotic art show, might in fact suggest something that frustrates.  (I hope I got the Latin right on the serpent, I used Google Translate for it.)

Adios, Latuda!

It's been almost a week since I stopped Latuda completely, and I'm feeling great!

No withdrawal problems, no frustrating psychological states, my mind feels cleaner, too.  I am living proof that the psychiatrist's prognosis can be absolutely wrong, that it's possible to get beyond medication, but this took alternative medicine to achieve.

Dr. Patch Adams is someone I think I will write to about this breakthrough - he advised me to get off the medication when I could, he very much dislikes psychiatric drugs like this.  It was just not possible when I talked to him on the phone, I still had a conflict I was dealing with.  But I wanted to make this a goal, so I concentrated heavily on finding what I needed to achieve it.  In the end, it was THC, psilocybin, and my personal brand of alcohol based faith healing that solved it.  (I might also go to the CAMH outpatient clinic and tell them I made it off Latuda, so my file can be updated.)

I am getting really into Psychobilly these days, I joke that it's because of all the skulls I have been decorating my apartment with, and also because my relationship to the Orishas is inspiring me in different ways, it's a very spirited sound.  While I do love Goth and will still probably mostly identify with that scene, Psychobilly is more soulful to me, and much more humorous.  (I described it to a friend who didn't know the sound well as "Goth adjacent for Quentin Tarantino fans".)

I started laying down some flat colours for my "Garden of Eden" painting, I'm hoping to have it completed soon - pic to come, once it's finished!

-Saraƒin

My next art show (probably?)...

Here's the flyer for The Super Wonder Gallery's next art show - the return of "The Super Naughty Show".  I haven't started my painting for it yet, but I did do this thumbnail:

Since sketching this last night, I decided to add sexy boots and maybe even a garter belt to Eve, just to guarantee that my curator will accept this piece into the show - thanks, Toronto.  But hey, it might even add to the symbolism of feminine frustration!  The anatomy is wonky here, I will get some reference photos from the web of male and female anatomy to get it right for the final piece.

I am borrowing from the design of The Lovers card from the Major Arcana of the Rider tarot, but the meaning of this piece is completely different than the meaning of that card, so I will not be calling the piece "The Lovers".  I decided to just call it "The Garden of Eden", I think, since "Genesis" doesn't catch my attention enough, and "Forbidden Fruit" is too tropey sounding.

I hope to get started by the end of the week!

-Saraƒin

My article for Mad Pride Australia...

My journey with the Mad Pride Movement, and with my transformative crisis

This article was written for taclfe.com, for a new section of their website devoted to Mad archives and articles.  I decided to write it to summarize much of my journey through spiritual madness, Mad Pride, and the mental health care system, and also to describe the nature of this project, my blog.

When I began this blog, I was still very much saddled in a deep spiritual madness, affected by a dark entity.  Now, years later, after experimenting with alternative medicine, I am finally coming off of Latuda.  I am in my final week of taking the drug, my dose is only 7.5 mg.  I feel fine, I can still engage the unconscious, but it is not too loud, and I have complete control of it.  If I were to ever lose what I gained exploring it, I would be devastated.  It's a part of who I am, and what makes my mind interesting.  I simply needed to solve a conflict.

Someone on a Mad Pride Instagram post recently suggested that the mental health industrial complex seeks to colonize our minds, beating any traits that may be deemed too indigenous or traditional out of humanity, to suit white supremacy's desires, and I can't help but agree.  Even though I am white, I felt impacted by this myself.  If only conventional medicine would take on a more holistic approach that respected perspectives from other traditions that might benefit mental health care, but it seems much of the western world is not there yet.

-Saraƒin