Just another update...

 Having recovered from the 'Rona, I was able to enjoy myself the other night, as you can see in the pic displayed here.  (That's one of my favourite clubbing outfits - a Care Bears PVC pinafore, love it!)

I am having an interesting realization (that I suppose I already had, but it's a bit more powerful today) about the reality of gods indigenous to North America being a part of my spirituality.  This may be deemed a delicate subject matter, considering that I am white, but, as stated before, it is not impossible for people outside of a culture to be called with this kind of initiatory crisis to the spirits of the land.  If one were to examine anthropology, the "shaman's sickness" is a rare occurrence outside of indigenous societies, but can and will happen, if the soul is old, ripe, and ready enough.  It's not exactly something I feel able to discuss much in my circles, in the age of the rise of the social justice warrior out for blood, in the age of calling out cultural appropriation, but there you have it.  I am now experimenting with prayers to Thunderbird, a spirit I saw in visions many years ago, represented by a totem pole, and am studying Turtle Island spirituality a bit more again.  I have some books but will also try going to Dodem Kanonhsa when I can, having already taken their education session.  I have talked to elders here and there - I respect their spiritual authority in a way that's higher than that of men of the churches, I trust their relationship to the Earth more, and fear being seen as a white ouija casualty, hence why I have not been more involved, though they often have been supportive.  Again, this native psychic imagery bombarded me, I did not call to it.  I do have humility but fear looking naive.

My libido seems to be gone, or at least so deeply integrated into consciousness that it's reached a certain goal of what the east calls "yoga".  I find it sadder now more than ever before how libido often drives and rules the minds of many, and in a way this makes me less trusting in the behaviour of the opposite sex, assuming they desire me for something they think I could provide for their urges... I don't see love in their eyes.  As for kink, I see now I was never really that kinky, rather, more of an edgy romantic.  I have no problem with a little hanky panky, but a big problem with it ruling people's lives, and I see how the fantasy can run away with many.  It's important to keep this behaviour in the bedroom, or else it affects other lives around you.  I say this having been in the goth and fetish scenes, and finding fetish often distasteful and pretentious, beyond the interesting clothes, settings, and photography.  Sister Penance is not a bedroom persona.... she is a parody of that kind of bedroom persona, and she aims to be a dispenser of truth (once she gets it right).  I am not quite the church on these lifestyle issues, but I sometimes see what She means by the disgust in them.

I am calm again, trusting in Coyote once more... unconscious noise and pain was getting the better of me.  (This must be the sacred Coyote, and not a dark spirit masquerading as this energy, after all.)  Looks like I needed some grounding, which I found in myself again.  Today I am hopeful and relaxed.

-Saraƒin

Something sacred in Kensington Market?

For the third time in a row, I have been greeted by a presence on Kensington Ave whenever I go to the market.  It's always in the same place - somewhere along the street between Global Cheese and Exile, on the west side.  Though not as powerful a feeling as what I felt at the Marian Shrine of Gratitude (and perhaps it's because that second location is actually treated as holy), this feels sacred in the masculine sense, perhaps it was considered relevant in a time in history before settlers took over, but has been forgotten about, now covered in shops.  Perhaps it is why Kensington is such an interesting nook in the city, and why I'm often drawn to it, just to wander?  (If you are reading this, and you have a sense of the spirit world, why not try walking down that street while paying attention, and see what you feel?  Could be interesting!)

I prayed to the Kensington Market presence for its blessings, and felt acknowledged.  Makes me wonder how many places like this are in the city?  Probably most aren't recognized, but I will pay attention the next time energy catches my attention.  I will also have to return to the Marian Shine once the weather is warmer.

-Saraƒin

Video: The initiatory crisis...

 

I feel I am done recovering from COVID 19 - I no longer need to isolate, which is wonderful.  It was super mild, far less bothersome than a slight head cold, other than the anxiety with it being the 'Rona that led me one night to an ER because of a sensitivity I had in my lungs, which could have been psychosomatic.  I am glad I was able to avoid it completely until variants grew to be less dangerous, and the vaccines became available.

I have a suspicion I am initiating into a kind of doctor, but one of spirituality, specifically psychology.  I am not super knowledgable on plant medicines, but having been an analysand for 7 years and counting, coming to understand the nature and depths of psychology through the disintegration and reintegration of my own mind, and having ties to the spirit world, this could be a calling.  God knows the West needs healers that work with the mind, mainstream psychiatry offers little more (usually) than pharmaceuticals, ECT, and by-the-book therapy... it speaks nothing to the deeper self.  Most psychiatrists have very little knowledge of psychology compared to those from the days of Jung and Freud (and it wasn't perfect then either)... they are mostly trained in chemistry, pharmaceuticals, and coercion, not human relations.  It's depressing and sadly a reflection of a soulless society that demands obedient people over realized people.

I am glad the spring is here again - although I love the long days of summer, the dawn of spring is as hopeful as a new day.

-Saraƒin

Today's thoughts on Coyote energy...

Maybe I'm quick to judge Coyote, and am assuming a bit too much that trickster energy is always going to be cute and cuddly.

Yesterday, I was at my psychological limit, ready to take a knife to myself.  Coyote appeared looking upset, something was strange about it all.  I was feeling betrayed by the Spirit, ready to go to the park and kick some squirrels around just to spit on Mother Nature, the little creatures I usually admire.  This pain has been going on for 15 years, and though it's progressed in some ways where now I have sight and magickal prowess, yesterday I just felt at my limit, angry at everything, ready to jump in front of a car.  

As I calmed down later, I had a vision of Eagle and the message "Your shaman sickness is ending".  I later called to Eagle this morning and prayed that if Coyote was who made me sick, Eagle take away the illness.  Then I got extremely tired and had a very long nap.

Now I'm awake and am a lot calmer.  I have studied much literature that suggests certain gods make humans sick with a sacred illness that mirrors psychosis, but it's designed to refine the person into a "shaman", that's something I talk about here and there on this blog.  It is also extremely rare in modern caucasians, so I doubt most take it seriously in a girl who looks like me, but it can still happen.  I think that nature spirits have been driving me crazy, up and down, confusing me about what is actually going on in me, to force me to reach a breaking point, where if I go any further I will just kill myself or turn into a psychopath... there seems to be some compassion now, as though there's no more polishing this old rock.  Here's hoping this truly is the end... I am sick of feeling awful with something that isn't fully treatable by any conventional medicine, I am tired of perhaps (?) looking foolish on this blog as I contemplate online and often get it wrong.  This is my own equivalent of Jung's "The Red Book", but I imagine less sensitive, less spiritually inclined people would just see it as the ramblings of a lunatic, because I'm used to that kind of treatment in this dull fucking city.  Supports have been shit, apart from a few people here and there, and western medicine... just insulting.

I like my analyst because I can see in his eyes the man knows who he is - when I look into the eyes of most psychiatrists, I see people who have decided who they are, but they don't know who they are.  They are not equipped to treat a case like mine... they are not healers, they are white collar parole officers.

I am certain my magick has worked for others... many report back sensations or highs within an hour of lighting the candles I burn for them, after I call the gods into the flame.  I had been trying to help someone in distress recently with magick, and they're reporting finer feelings at this point.

It's good to have a detached ego like mine that has let go of the idea that I have to, at least right now, be considered spiritually relevant in society... but it is still quite frustrating when looking for help or validation.  One thing for certain is - when I do turn to self abuse, something in the spirit world is always around to tell me to stop.  

The gods may have driven me crazy, but they also seem to care about my recovery.

Baby coyote rescued from collapsed den

-Saraƒin

Trickster energy...

It's looking like this Coyote "guide" was no friend of mine at all - classic trickster, and dark about it, not the sacred clown medicine Coyote can sometimes be affiliated with, which I knew about from some indigenous writings.  He was just so fucking hilarious I got extremely confused by the tone.

Something dark and manipulative in the form of Coyote came through last night, as if revealing its true nature to me, and I have been working now to cut all ties with it, be it internal or an external influence.  I am not sure what this means, if literal or metaphorical, but I am working with these ideas as though they were real, which is how I got out of my scrap with the possession case, making things significantly lighter for me.  If I am still possessed or haunted by something, perhaps a second influence, time to fight it again.  This really was a much bigger mess in the past than it is now - it may sound scary to read about these things, but as long as I keep my health in check, I should get out of this.  Coyote trickery would certainly explain why my ideas are all over the map.

Speaking of health, I had to go to an ER last night, because my senses were heightened and I began to worry about a feeling in my lungs, as if the 'Rona had spread.  I could still hold my breath for a significant amount of time, coughing wasn't that bad, but I wanted to be sure.  Again, I was let down by another hospital.  They made me wait so long for a simple exam of my lungs that I decided to leave, just like I did when I had the chest pains.  I was bitter about it but I had started to feel better in my lungs towards the morning, so I went home to get some sleep.  I still have a cough, I hope this levels out soon.  Ugh.

Well, Coyote... I guess this is goodbye, you tricked me for years, as you are known for doing.  Now get lost.

Wile E. Coyote fails

-Saraƒin

UPDATE: Reflecting a bit more on Coyote, he did have interesting lessons for me.  He had strange ways of getting me to learn self care, but his last "lesson" was never integrated... the lesson that I am loved.  Coyote might be more of a neutral party, in the end, than a villain to me, and yet I made my point - I no longer have to be the bigger person, I simply have to witness love from others to truly believe in it.  So far, I have become very thankful of supports I find in friends and family, but sneer at the idea of relying on a man, or even on systems, for much more than basic necessity.  I am a poor woman who is relatively sexy so guys think I'm easy... if I see evil in their hearts, I see good reason to go after them with spirituality if they use me in some way.  I will curse a nasty human being if I can get away with it.  I cursed another man recently - some idiot from years ago who tried forcing me into giving him a hand job, until I got out of there.  Nothing delights me more than seeing happy baby animals at play, and bad men screaming as they face justice.

I may dress in lolita fashion sometimes, but I am no Pollyanna.  Love, you better be there for me one day, if you don't want to see my heart turn cold.

St. Paddy's Day letdowns...

Happy St. Paddy's Day - I chose to dress up in Irish Dollarama swag, even though I unfortunately caught the 'Rona and have to self isolate, so... no party plans for me.  Friends and I are going to do a make up event in a couple of weeks.  Bummer, but this corona case is so mild that when I got two lines on the test results, I was shocked - I thought it was just a mild throat irritation from a bit too much pot smoking.  I did a candle spell with Sekhmet to kill it as quickly as possible, and already I think it might be gone soon... here's hoping!  Vaccines work, because this is NOTHING compared to what it might have been.

I guess I have been too much in my head again, overanalyzing.  Today, despite being COVID 19 positive, I feel level headed again, and I wonder if maybe trying to commit to a Buddhist-esque path many years ago conflicted with my Christian mystical progress, so I prayed any conflict that may remain from that away, and hope to see results.  The subconscious is what is in pain, moreso than the ego - and since I can journey into the subconscious, I find weird ideas in there sometimes.  It has to settle, that is the main message - I can say things are much better than they used to be.

I hope no one worried about me and my recent ideas - it comes out of weird inner reflection that gets too overanalytical, I'm actually well enough in other ways to still function in society, and I simply grow tired and scared from experiences.  I am talking to my analyst over the phone tomorrow, perhaps he can give me tips so I don't overanalyze so much?  It's been a while since I had an appointment.

A friend and neighbour was kind enough to donate groceries to me, so I'm stocked up for food for the next 5 days of isolation.  It's lovely to be in good company, and although my building is a housing project, there are decent supports.

It's always important to remember what's right when things seem screwed up.

-Saraƒin

The pains and misinterpretations of transforming consciousness...

I admit it - sometimes I have these phases in my transformation where I go off course a little bit, and make the wrong conclusions.

Once again, I reconsider what is causing my pain, and I remember what I learned from kundalini studies.  False demons can arise, there can be strange sensations in the body, temperature changes, weariness, untreatable levels of psychosis (as I am being treated, but the drugs only make things slightly quieter), and other phenomena.  What I probably have here is developing heightened awareness, though at which level I can't say for sure.  I suspect the Crown is opening, as I have suspected before.

From reading "Kundalini Vidya", I recall seeing that it is important to make the right lifestyle choices so as not to get sick.  Unfortunately, I live in the big city of Toronto, don't have enough money to do any special retreats or to hire a guru (and where would I find one in Toronto?!), so I can only solve this on my own, and with some input from my analyst and perhaps an Algonquin medicine man in northern Ontario that I know who has talked to me before.  Enlightenment is very hard without the guidance of a teacher, and I don't have any except for my Inner Guru, which I probably am not always interpreting correctly... so, I get lost in the wrong ideas.  I really should be out in the country milking cows, making cheese... not living in a housing project downtown where people are around me getting high on hard drugs, where criminals roam the streets in this area now like never before.  It's unsettling to the unconscious.

So, luxury is not on my side, but time might be, as I am still quite young.  I have to keep getting checkups from my GP to make sure everything is in order in my blood, and grudgingly accept that CAMH still thinks I am simply mentally ill, not a person with shifting consciousness, so a bed in hospital is just a humble reminder CAMH is only there to keep me safe if I am panicking, they can't be of any real help, and I will ultimately leave after a week or so of downtime, dissatisfied with the poor ideas they will try to fill my mind with about myself, the bad food, the pain around me... back to the housing project, to once again be surrounded by more pain.

It's just up to me to stay strong, being a person who is alone 95% of the time, except for when there is a brief exchange with another person, and the couple of times a week I am with company.  I don't feel lonely, only unsafe when it gets scary.  I must be in a process of the mind sorting itself out, causing all sorts of weird ideas, sensations, and feelings.  I'm also coming down from possession, many different kinds of abuses, and I live in among the more spiritually impoverished places in the world.

Another new spirit drawing - the flag of Nepal, with its double-pennon shape, coming through very clearly.  This one started a couple of weeks ago.

Oh god, I need a retreat or something, but the convent is still closed to the general public.  I guess I just have to keep distracting myself with long walks, I need to hop on the exercise bike more, and eat lots of beef.  This is not an easy stage.  I am concerned that if I go into some deep meditative state, no one will know I'm unconscious for days... weeks, even.

-Saraƒin

Saturn is a fucking asshole...

Ugh... <_<

Another name that had come up here and there in trance states was Saturn, and recently I began to see the symbol for Saturn (the planetary one, anyway - the one I recognize)... also, I had seen symbols of agriculture and a scythe.  So, pondering this, I got concerned that this might have been an overlord influence perturbing me, or it got involved somehow, so to experiment, I prayed away that "god" in several ways.  I am not so sure about Set anymore, the spiritual emergency made me insane.

I don't trust Saturn, he was never something I was trying to invoke... I really am not sure if this is something influencing me, but spirit drawing just got more interesting and more symbols are coming through, some might represent astrology, which I am sadly lacking knowledge in.  It seems that although I am getting better as an ego, the rabbit hole gets deeper even still, and the mystery remains of what the hateful source actually was that had a problem with me.  So, just in case it was Saturn, I directed my prayers to Christ and others to be free of him.

I also now suspect that the Scorpio symbol might have to do with a time approaching in the fall, but I didn't give a shit about that scorpion item I threw out so it didn't kill me to say goodbye to it, if it was a neutral item.  I am not sure if it is "prophecy" that I am seeing with a mushroom cloud, but that's coming through again too.  It's exactly like a game of Pictionary, trying to piece together what the messages are saying.  I realize I must have severe mental health issues from trauma and abuse, perhaps a psychosis of the subconscious, one that meds don't help much with, one that I can hide well so that others treat me with respect, and I may just seem like an eccentric goth girl in the corner with her tarot cards.  If there is an overlord god who started this with me because of my occult phase as a teenager (or something else), I need to figure out which source it was, to end the madness.  So, is it Saturn?  No idea, but again, this is an exploratory blog, and I will catalogue what I suspect as I suspect it, hoping I don't frighten anyone away with how complex and strange things have been.  I am sane enough to pick myself up and do what I have to do, to wait to get home and let it all out, screaming into a pillow, but I am exhausted not having validation from psychiatry, not having a support system that is strong enough in the community, and sometimes I feel like I want to run away to the mental hospital again, if it were to provide me with what I need.  Ha - like that would happen if I took myself there... they have decided the spiritual problem is a delusion, and that my brain doesn't work.  I have decided that they are boring and ill-equipped to deal with minds like mine.  I might be autistic, and they haven't even mused over that possibility yet.  If I am, perhaps that's just making it all the more painful in my unconscious.  Kundalini psychosis is also a real disorder, and I might even have that.

Sigh... the beef thing keeps proving to be true.  I went one day without beef, and it took a burger to feel energized again.  Getting out and seeing friends is also keeping me sane... I don't so much feel lonely on my own, there is always God, but humanity is important to me, and I need to laugh with others.  I wish I could laugh with them over this, but very few get what spiritual problems are like.

Mental illness can definitely be involved, but not treating the root of the problem, you will never conquer it.  You will only put a bandaid on it with pills and other brain treatments.  I hope I solve all of this someday.

Creepy SEGA Saturn infomercial

-Saraƒin

Video: On cursed items...

 

As mentioned, I did a video on cursed objects, what they usually are, and what to do about them.  I hope that the fucking edgelord kitschy scorpion bro puck that might of somehow become spiritually relevant was the culprit, now that I've thrown it out... fuck, this game of spiritual charades and pictionary is absolutely exhausting, although I can say, even with things still being on and off not quite right, mostly I feel better, with the results of everything I experiment with.  Probably, I look all over the map on here - also, I should just not give a damn about my reputation anymore.  It's already peppered with enough oddness that there's no way I could ever run for congress, but I don't give a shit.

I don't belong in this city... I should be in New Orleans or something, fraternizing with other spiritual weirdos.  If Toronto was a duo, it'd be that couple with the neurotic Weimaraner in the movie "Best In Show".

-Saraƒin

Cursed items...

I had to throw out two more items out of the concern that the angry spirit might have affected them as well.  At home, things have been strange, on and off.  One was a dreamcatcher... the other, a tacky dead scorpion fused into an acrylic cylinder.  I didn't care about getting rid of the scorpion but I suspected something strange about the dreamcatcher and hated throwing it out, because it's an authentic item.  I hate this so much when I feel the presence of unwanted energies lurking in my apartment.  This is such a mess... such a mystery.  I sure could use a working medicine person with excellent sight to give my place a sweep and tell me what's not right in here.  I got the feeling Coyote was guiding me with this but it's still tricky.

This is like that scene in "Return to Oz" when Dorothy is trying to figure out which ornaments represent the people of Oz, to release everyone from the Nome King.  (That was such a wonderfully fucked up movie - and hey, young Fairuza Balk!)

I'll have to do a channeled video on cursed items sometime.  Tonight, I think I need to head to the bar for some beer to chill out... my temper flared a bit after work.  I'm having one of those "I hate my life" kind of days.  I self injured by scratching myself with my nails out of frustration, breaking skin... something I haven't done in ages.  :(

"Return to Oz"

-Saraƒin

PS: Speaking of Coyote, I had made a decorated coyote shawl from animal hide that was initially designed as an art project when I was experiencing a bombardment of animal visions, but recently when putting it over my shoulders my body instinctually fell into a stance rather like a dog, so I think it's linked to my guide as a vestment.  These fucking antipsychotics mean I'm not feeling much from the experience psychologically, but it's like I take on a dog-like posture and I can better receive messages from this guide.  People who don't believe whites can experience this kind of spirituality might cry foul, but I am not doing drugs to experience this, it just comes over me and is something that has happened a few times.  I take it Coyote is a legit spirit animal or guide, and Cobra is a power animal or perhaps a totem, but I am still learning the general terminology.  Again, I take these spiritual ideas very seriously and am trying to solve a soul crisis that has been absolutely excruciating.

Trying out cacao...

In the Kensington Market area the other day, I purchased a bag of cacao powder from a health food store, for an experiment in healing.  Most people use this stuff for nutrition, but it's still said to have metaphysical power in the right hands, often in the hands of a healer with a powerful connection to Mother Earth.  Indigenous sciences suggest that if you work well with the Mother, and treat her with respect as you would your loving parent, you can find medicine in nature.  This is what indigenous people get that whites don't yet understand, because whites are notorious for treating the Earth like a product, a lab experiment.  With that way of looking at Her, why do they expect it would work with the western sciences?  That is my explanation as to why naturopathy, and yes, sometimes even homeopathy and magick, will work for some, but not all.

I boiled some water and poured it over the cacao powder, adding a heaping tablespoon of monk fruit sweetener (this is unsweetened cacao... a little strong), praying to the Earth Mother for help with its medicine.  I later felt very sleepy - this tends to happen if I am working with a natural medicine and I get a reaction, it has happened with other medicines as well.  It means the brain wants to rest and process things.

It's two days later, I have had three mugs of it so far, and already there is something a bit more relaxed about my perception.  I can't even fully describe how it's different, but I suspect something is changing within Anahata, the heart centre, which I read online can be aided by cacao's spiritual properties.  Cacao is also great for the heart as an organ, and I am hoping it might even help with my brain.  It was only $14.99 for the bag of it and I'm already impressed.

I have tried a lot of things with my healing - western medicine can only suppress my psychology with brain disabling drugs, it won't heal me, that is up to me, since I can't afford fancy trips to Peru or Costa Rica or anything like that to consult shamans.  It's its own journey, but I honestly have incrementally felt better over the past couple of years.  I refuse to give up.

Spirit says the one thing I really need that I am not getting enough of yet is love... I always jokingly say "but beggars can't be choosers".  I am starting to get the impression life might surprise me one day, though.  I should never question the Divine, but it's hard after what abuse has done to me, that I can't even be validated in western medicine.

-Saraƒin

W5 segment on my childhood dentist...

 

W5 recently did this episode on Dr. Errol Gaum, a dentist I saw back when I was at a very tender age.  He would slap me across the face if I cried, he'd tell me to "shut up", pulled teeth without freezing, and would drill before freezing could set in.  It's sickening that he got away with this for decades before anything came of it.  I guess I was so young I thought that's what going to the dentist was all about, and my parents didn't get I wasn't just being oversensitive (I was already quite a sensitive kid).  Today, I need to be put under for anything more complex than a simple filling, even with the fantastic dentist I am blessed to have at this point.  I live in fear of one day needing a root canal, and my dental health isn't the best, because my enamel isn't the strongest, even though I take good care of my teeth.  I am also very scared of the possibility of other invasive medical procedures in my future, I tend not to trust doctors not just because of this dentist, but because of psychiatric malpractice as well.  My abuses in psychiatry are moderate compared to others, mostly it's been about invalidation and long icy stays in isolation cells, but it's enough to make me think that most doctors are just as bad as cops, but white collar about it.  In a way, that's even worse.

I am involved in a class action lawsuit against this man, so I might get some restitution funds.  My memory is a bit hazy so all I can provide are vague memories of what every other ex-client is describing.  Maybe it's for the best that these memories are vague, but the unconscious never forgets.

I petitioned Sekhmet that this man have the book thrown at him - he's hoping that my Goddess makes a mess of his life.  The gods fight for me when nobody else will.

-Saraƒin

Video: The Holy Guardian Angel...

It felt like for the longest time I didn't have a guardian angel at all, but now sometimes I can even communicate with them.  This reading is with Dixit cards and is a basic primer on some ideas of this concept.  It also discusses mischievous spirits a little bit, something I also have experience with, as my readers surely know by now.

I have yet another Sister Penance pin up underway... am moving some art in sales, thank god, that encourages me to continue!  I have taken to painting smaller pieces on canvas board, which is much easier for me to store in this tiny apartment than standard canvases are, since I can slip them into a portfolio.

I had a bit of a realization recently - that I find it hard to accept help from others, unless validation of my experiences is involved.  That's why I fight going to a hospital unless I feel my life is at risk, because it re-traumatizes me to do so.  I don't need some atheistic response like "I'm sure to you it's all very real" or even "many people believe in that kind of thing" - fuck off.  And fuck Toronto for being a city of fools... the equivalent of Norilsk, Russia, but for the soul (Norilsk being extremely toxic to live in, for the body.)

It was Ash Wednesday, so I got smeared with ashes at St. Mike's.  Instead of dropping something for Lent, I think I will try to take on more exercise - so, I guess you could say I'm trying to give up laziness!

-Saraƒin

Today's reflections...

I'm having a reflective day - not as dark as other days, but still processing what I've been through and where I might be going.  I keep having premonitions of a mighty change coming soon - I don't care to share the details for fear of ridicule, but it sounds like something that might turn the heads of everyone around me.  It is both haunting and exciting, I welcome a change, provided it is a segue to better things.  Indeed, often it feels like it is my duty to be here (to be alive), not my pleasure.

I am trying a Christian dating site out of curiosity, to see if men are any better on that kind of thing than on other sites.  Not much has happened... I probably look like the Nancy Downs of the Christian world, and it will lead to disappointment of another sort.  I don't demand a partner at this point, I certainly don't expect one, even though I feel I would want one, and I fear dying alone.  I will always have friends, for there are many that I have known, but I may never know someone to hold me on my death bed.  These days, all I know is a plush hippopotamus and a weighted blanket when I feel like I need to be cuddled, because I worry getting a pet cat might get too expensive if vet bills got in the way, so to be a responsible cat owner I won't get a cat until my situation improves, if ever.  I want to provide my companion with the best life I can give them, having had to give my rabbit away when I got sick with possession, never to see him again.

I have discussed my rape before, but there have been other times men have forced sexual advances on me.  It's no wonder I don't understand love, when lust has been all I have known, coming after me.  Good men just don't seem to want me, or if they do, they are silent and I can't tell, or they are already involved with someone else.  I delight in the wonderful platonic friendships I have with men around me, and in the quality father figures I have known, but lovers are impossible.  I feel like I have learned some strange lessons about attraction, and at 39 I am pretty set in my ways, and don't know how to unlearn them, not trusting advances.  I feel nothing for intimacy, laughing at sex and even love the way I laughed at that pornography I posted last night.  It shouldn't be this way, but I feel that romantic love is pretentious, and marriage makes people selfish.

I pray to God all the time that He take away all of my romantic feelings, that I be not only asexual, but aromantic as well, yet it's still there, and I suffer.  How I long to only concentrate my desires on the Divine, and forget about men.  If only I could have been a nun, or better still... a monk.

I need to get out of the apartment to prevent myself from having a morose day, so perhaps I will head to the cathedral.

-Saraƒin

"Convent of Sinners" is now on YouTube!

DISCLAIMER: First of all, this is NSFW, so do keep that in mind.  Secondly, I have great respect for real nuns and Sister Penance is actually a parody of nunsploitation and the fetishization of nuns (and a mockery of the idea that I would ever make a good nun, as I once felt I might have a vocation).  I do not have a nun fetish, Sister Penance is a cartoonish persona I created to explore my spirituality and my art as I come down from spiritual emergency, and as I develop my soul.  Please understand this if you are offended that I dare link to smut like this:

This is an appalling piece of cinema, but if you enjoy laughing at nunsploitation, this is the "best" I have seen of the genre, thus far.  (It's Italian, with English dubbing - makes me wonder if anyone was excommunicated for their involvement?)  Do NOT watch this unless you are in a suitable environment - this is pornography with some pretty disgusting themes (including incest, at the very beginning), and I am posting it purely as something to delight in for how truly wrong it is.  (I am a big fan of heckling bad movies, and this one is shockingly bad.)

It's a good thing I'm Anglican because I bet the Romans would excommunicate me for promoting this - anyway, go ahead and grab some popcorn, and be prepared for some really silly shit, sinners!

-Saraƒin