I am having an interesting realization (that I suppose I already had, but it's a bit more powerful today) about the reality of gods indigenous to North America being a part of my spirituality. This may be deemed a delicate subject matter, considering that I am white, but, as stated before, it is not impossible for people outside of a culture to be called with this kind of initiatory crisis to the spirits of the land. If one were to examine anthropology, the "shaman's sickness" is a rare occurrence outside of indigenous societies, but can and will happen, if the soul is old, ripe, and ready enough. It's not exactly something I feel able to discuss much in my circles, in the age of the rise of the social justice warrior out for blood, in the age of calling out cultural appropriation, but there you have it. I am now experimenting with prayers to Thunderbird, a spirit I saw in visions many years ago, represented by a totem pole, and am studying Turtle Island spirituality a bit more again. I have some books but will also try going to Dodem Kanonhsa when I can, having already taken their education session. I have talked to elders here and there - I respect their spiritual authority in a way that's higher than that of men of the churches, I trust their relationship to the Earth more, and fear being seen as a white ouija casualty, hence why I have not been more involved, though they often have been supportive. Again, this native psychic imagery bombarded me, I did not call to it. I do have humility but fear looking naive.
My libido seems to be gone, or at least so deeply integrated into consciousness that it's reached a certain goal of what the east calls "yoga". I find it sadder now more than ever before how libido often drives and rules the minds of many, and in a way this makes me less trusting in the behaviour of the opposite sex, assuming they desire me for something they think I could provide for their urges... I don't see love in their eyes. As for kink, I see now I was never really that kinky, rather, more of an edgy romantic. I have no problem with a little hanky panky, but a big problem with it ruling people's lives, and I see how the fantasy can run away with many. It's important to keep this behaviour in the bedroom, or else it affects other lives around you. I say this having been in the goth and fetish scenes, and finding fetish often distasteful and pretentious, beyond the interesting clothes, settings, and photography. Sister Penance is not a bedroom persona.... she is a parody of that kind of bedroom persona, and she aims to be a dispenser of truth (once she gets it right). I am not quite the church on these lifestyle issues, but I sometimes see what She means by the disgust in them.
I am calm again, trusting in Coyote once more... unconscious noise and pain was getting the better of me. (This must be the sacred Coyote, and not a dark spirit masquerading as this energy, after all.) Looks like I needed some grounding, which I found in myself again. Today I am hopeful and relaxed.