New piece: "Heartbreak Chair"...

This latest piece was an idea I had when I heard that an upcoming 2025 Super Wonder Gallery show is going to be about serial killers.  The idea went from being about a cute electric chair, to a statement about child genocide, where the killer is whatever group is committing genocide, and trickery is how they might lure the child into compliance.  It is about hate masquerading as love.  I may change my mind, but I think I will call this piece "Heartbreak Chair".

16 x 13", acrylic and paint pens on canvas - might price it at $300, still debating.

-Saraƒin

"Little Bee" sold!

 Hooray - another art sale!

"Little Bee", one of my pieces of Christian art, sold for $200 at the recent Super Wonder Gallery art show. It was my only sale this time, but I was pleased - friends sold some pieces as well.  The turnout was a bit small, but enough pieces sold in the end.  (I was told of upcoming gallery themes for 2025, and I already have some ideas cooking about what to produce for them.)

One of my resolutions for 2024 was to get out the omnibus - sadly, we only made a dent in it, so it's still a work in progress, but I was involved in the arts in many other ways, did 6 gallery shows, and overall, I'd say this was a great year for getting the ball rolling.  I also kept the weight off, haven't been the greatest as of late with exercise, but I am not getting any heavier.

Talked to my GP - she is not worried about my cholesterol right now, since it's barely higher than it should be, so that's a relief.  I am still feeling fatigued a lot - am trying a spiritual experiment by donning the elekes (something I felt called to do by a guide) to take on the power and protection of the Orishas for healing and refinement.  I noticed that when wearing them, I feel slightly stronger, so at the very least, it helps me feel like I can take on the day.  (My practice is devotional, something I felt a guide urged me to consider, and seems to have led to several breakhroughs in certain areas of my life, including being more organized, both in mind, and in the home.)

I have started semi regularly going to Anglican Sunday service, to try to get to know the community.  Just getting ready now for the 11:00 am mass!

-Saraƒin

The Super Mini Xmas Show...

 

This post is designed to boost and promote my next gallery show - the Super Mini Xmas Show at Super Wonder Gallery.  A couple of friends and I are selling smaller sized pieces.  All pieces are priced at $300.00 or less, and dimensions are all 20 x 20" or less.  (I have four pieces in it.)

Here is what I submitted - "Wrath of the Mother" is priced at $150.00, "Lolita Goddess" is $300.00, "Cherub" is $250.00, and "Little Bee" is $200.00.

Please come and support an array of great local talent!  A fantastic event to find Christmas gifts for friends and family.

-Saraƒin

"Excess" is finished!

 

Well, that didn't take long!

I was having so much fun making this one that I plowed through it and got it done in two days.  I think this is a comedy piece, I wasn't trying for that, but it turned out kind of funny.  It's also rather metal, and I am reminded of the cartoon Heavy Metal when I look at it.  I like how it turned out, and I think I will price it at $500.00, maybe $400.00.

My next piece is going to be an icon of the martyrdom of St. Sebastian, also one I want to put in the Super Naughty Show.  (I think it'll fit with the theme because St. Sebastian icons are often kind of erotic, and I can't get away from sneaking religious themes into my art lol)

(Acrylic on canvas with imitation gold leaf and paint pens, 18 x 24")

-Saraƒin

Thumbnail sketch of my next piece, "Excess"...

 I did this thumbnail sketch at work last night, when a new idea for an illustration came to mind.

I decided to finally do my Whore of Babylon themed piece, for the upcoming Super Naughty Show next year, and feature a dominatrix Mother of Harlots so that it would fit nicely into the themes of the art show.  Sometimes when I pick up the Bible, I feel the Holy Spirit talk through my body, and explain meaning in the passages.  For Revelation, my interpretation was that the whore represents excess - that is, the effects of too much of a good thing, or too much of an outrageous thing, and its effect on the world.  So she'll be riding the beast overtop a giant pile of gold coin, with a dystopian landscape in the background, and the passage "MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH" written upon a stormy sky.  The title of this piece will simply be "Excess".

I see the Whore of Babylon in what has come of capitalism, just my interpretation of something that has been debated throughout the times in scripture.  (One other interpretation I got in Revelation was about the Mark of the Beast - I downloaded that the mark is sin itself, not something alleged.  I find some ideas of what it could be profoundly silly, like that barcode across the forehead or computer chip argument... nah, it's just sin, and the stain of sin.)

I will be heading out to buy a nice sturdy canvas for this one today, and probably more gold leaf, as I am running low.

-Saraƒin

Reflecting on my stages of healing...

I am currently reflecting on my healing process, thinking about the stages of recovery that came beforehand.  There was a time when the tension in my body was so strong, I literally ached all over.  Often too fatigued to leave my bed, my jaw was very stiff and sore, to the point where I worried I was grinding my teeth in my sleep.  There was a weight, which felt like lead, in the solar plexus area, doing anything was a real struggle - it was like carrying around a very heavy bag of potatoes (mind you, this was also when I was about 60 lbs heavier).

Sometimes I still felt the presence of something nasty, sensations of being invaded - this time has since passed, now I just feel a little bit spacey.  The worst part, and it's not even that bad now, is getting to sleep at night - I often need PRNs to relax.  But going into the dark season this year hasn't been so bad, I feel something really solved in July, and then, after the mushrooms, a darkness in my psyche had lifted.

When I try to get to sleep, my attention can still turn inward, where I view the contents of my subconscious, and I can see imagery projected onto the mind's eye - this seems to be the mind gazing inward, something the meds quieten, but have never eliminated.  It's an interesting experience for art, but if it overwhelms the conscious, it becomes distracting, and the city feels impossible to navigate.  I am hoping it's just a stage of psychospiritual development and will lead to a time where the mind releases, but for now, I guess I still need Latuda.

Some reflections on my comic, again - there was a moment in time when I felt the entity taunt me over a plot narrative I was working with, coming up with something better, which became the "Ajna Project" hook in "The Jung Ones".  I did the unthinkable and rewrote a section on the web of the work, preferring what the nasty spirit had come up with, agreeing it was smarter.  I laugh that dark forces helped me find the hook, while God inspired me with the plot twist at the end, something I felt tied everything together.  With the new twist, suddenly, all the Catholic imagery had meaning, and the storyline with the boyfriend didn't leave a gaping plothole, for the lesson became that Liz had a call to marry God as a nun, not to find love with a man.  So, as awkward as my comic might be in some other ways, the twist I eventually decided on made certain elements more interesting.

There's another art show coming up soon, I have a few pieces in mind that might go in.  I'll update with more information later.

-Saraƒin

Happy Hallowe'en 2024!

 I'm just wishing everyone a blessed Samhain, a happy Hallowe'en - tonight, I will go for a wander in costume, then onward to Hallowe'en karaoke.  No costume contest for me this year - I like how my Santa Muerte costume turned out, but guaranteed, someone would do better than this in the room, so I'm just going to enjoy myself with minor, cheaper activities.  The club I might have gone to is a bit pricey, so I decided to save money and hit up a cheaper venue for some tunes.

I think I figured out what I like so much about Hallowe'en - while Christmas is very special for religious families, a lot of people find it frustrating because of the commercialism, which has taken away from the joy many have felt about the holidays.  Rich kids get more gifts than poorer kids, but there's something about Hallowe'en where you don't even need to have a lot of money as a child to have a good time - if one is creative enough, a costume can be made well on a budget, and part of Hallowe'en is about delighting in the qualities we want to take on and explore in ourselves, even if for just one night a year.  It's gotten bigger and bigger, and now, at least in some regions, all of October is dedicated to costume parties, spooky decorating, and Hallowe'en themed events.  This may or may not be due to goth pop culture, but it has shaped to be more interesting with time, regardless.  Having been a kid who was raised in the theatre, it's another opportunity for me to have fun with costumes, not that I don't delight in alternative fashion all the time anyway.

Whatever you do tonight, have a good time out there - just stay away from ouija boards!

-Saraƒin

"A Nightmare on Roncesvalles 3"...

I was accepted into the art show "A Nightmare on Roncesvalles 3"!  I will be dropping "Medusa" off on Tuesday, the art opening is on Thursday, October 24th from 6-10 pm at Northern Contemporary art gallery.  If you want to check it out, please come - the theme is all things Hallowe'en, so I thought Medusa would work, and sure enough, they took my piece.

I feel closer to Christ as of late, like my channeling is getting a clearer translation of Spirit.  There is still bound to be ramblings from the subconscious, but the feeling of a great love coming through is stronger now, and it seems like my dark night of the soul is lifting.  I think the mushrooms relieved a major burden, but I also swear by my silly alcohol blessings.  I continue to keep it light with mostly lagers so that I don't suffer as a body, but I bless every drink and can still feel shivers up the spine when I do it.  I've also dabbed myself with consecrated oils here and there, feeling shivers from that as well.  We are about to go into the dark season in Canada, so it would be nice if I could feel positive, despite my ongoing battle with roaches (sigh) and the loss of my dear friend in August.  The cold isn't the worst thing, but the darkness is really dreary for a solar worshipper like me.

November is one of my least favourite months, because Hallowe'en fun is over, and Christmas is gearing up, which I mostly don't like because of the commercialism.  In November, you get all the Christmas stuff out in the stores, but not the actually holiday, which can be nice with family.  December isn't that bad, I'd say my least favourite month is February, but January is a drag, too.

A friend and I might travel to Mexico City in the new year to get away for a little bit - I can afford it, based on what she's describing for a typical trip.

-Saraƒin

Success at the art show...

Amazing news!

Two of my pieces sold at "Woman, Man, Myth and Magic" - "The 7 Directions" sold on Friday, and "The Brazen Bull" sold last night.  This is incredibly satisfying for me, and hopeful for my art career, which I was worried would be hard to get going again, after that lengthly hiatus I took.  That's 4 pieces sold in Super Wonder Gallery since I began working with them last year.  Excellent!

My Santa Muerte costume turned out better than I thought it would - a friend and I were hungry and decided to grab food at a nearby Mexican place, and I was just hoping no one found a gringo type dressed as Santa Muerte to be an offensive thing to see in a Mexican restaurant, but no one seemed to mind.  Last night was also Nuit Blance, but I decided to just head home shortly before midnight, feeling tired.

The next Super Wonder Gallery show is a Christmas time event where little pieces about any subject matter will be sold, and I have several I could include, so I'm already set for that.  I am not sure if I got into "A Nightmare on Roncesvalles" yet, but that might be my next art opening.

-Saraƒin

Experiment with the Anglican rosary...

My Anglican rosary

Recently, I went to St James Cathedral for Anglican mass, something I should do more often, but I usually work a night shift the Saturday before, and often feel like sleeping in.  But last time, I met someone who gave me an Anglican rosary, after I admitted that I had never owned one, or prayed one before.

I was practising it today, when I contemplated how one can ask Christ for Holy Communion even when not receiving communion from a priest at church, so I decided to ask that I receive Communion with every prayer on every bead of this and other rosaries and chaplets.  After trying it, I felt a strong sense of having received many blessings, and wondered if I had discovered an interesting Christian technique for prayer.  I am sure others have done the same, but if anyone reading this is interested, I recommend giving it a shot, if you are into praying rosaries.  When contemplating litanies for the same, as an example, I got that it could work for the litany itself, but not like with the rosary, which has better structure for it.  I have already done consumption of blessed alcohol for a kind of sip by sip Holy Communion ritual, and that seemed to work, so now I'm trying it with the rosary.  Jesus feels closer and closer all the time, so I must be doing something right.

My version of Christianity is experimental, so I keep trying things like this to bend the rules of what traditional Christians would recommend.  The result is eclecticism with a strong Christian foundation.

-Saraƒin

Art show this weekend!

"Woman, Man, Myth and Magic" is this weekend at The Super Wonder Gallery.  I dropped off the paintings on Sunday - it looks like there's going to be some really great stuff in this show, two friends also have pieces featured.  Of the handful of art shows I have participated in this year, this is the one I'm looking forward to the most.  I have priced "Hecate" at $200.00, "The 7 Directions" at $150.00, and "The Brazen Bull" at $400.00.  What a great way to start off October!

I finished off what remained of the mushrooms, and oddly enough, the last dose didn't really feel like much of anything.  Perhaps it's a sign I won't be needing them anymore, I have decided not to purchase another bag, at least for now.  But I think they really worked for expanding consciousness a bit more, and for helping solve levels of pain in the lower mind.  Conventional psychiatric medicine just doesn't cut it, I don't have an ear to listen to for my troubles right now that I feel would work (I'm a really unusual case that would require a specialist), so I am playing psychiatrist with myself to solve this.  As risky as that might sound to people, it's been working, because sitting around on antipsychotics did nothing but keep me miserable.

July was a turning point for shedding pain, and although August was a bit of a bitch, hope returned in September after the mushrooms experiment.

-Saraƒin

 

Leaving the Mushroom Kingdom...

I feel like I have completed my usage of mushrooms for the time being - I consumed most of the 7G bag over the course of two weeks.  There's still a bit left, but I got a strong sense I had gotten what I needed out of them.  August was just a really sad month for me, I am sorry I mused about suicide again on here, it's something I struggle with, feeling odd about life, what it's been, the uncertainty of my career, and the stresses of low income.  The mushrooms helped lift a funk of sorrow that was affecting me, and I feel my mind shifted to be a bit stronger.  Never did I go higher than just over a gram, and I felt that half a gram even was enough.  This seems to be a medicine I am sensitive to, and I don't even like the psilocybin experience, but the results were worth it.  I am still not smoking marijuana anymore, except for that one time in August where I grabbed some CBD, when I was dealing with the roaches.  I don't think I will be doing it again, I don't feel much from CBD, and I just don't find THC therapeutic at this point, although it was helping for a time, at least with lifestyle and getting back into art.

I know I could really use a vacation, but I'm trying to pad my TFSA for a while, to build up a nest egg, so I am only going to travel if a cheap opportunity comes my way.  It would certainly be very good for me, though - the monotony of my situation is getting to me, and I could stand to change my location, even if just for one week.

October looks to be a fun month ahead - with things I'm planning, it usually is.  We have plans for several parties, outings to pop up Hallowe'en bars, gallery shows, and so on.  November is often a drag for me, but October is one of my favourite months, if only it were warmer!  My Santa Muerte costume is ready, I just need to try it all on to be sure - easiest costume I have done in a while.

The omnibus remains an ongoing project, and I can't see it coming out this year, but it's still underway.  I am running low on copies of "Asylum Squad: (The Complete!) Jung Ones"... not sure if I'll reprint those, or just do the omnibus.

-Saraƒin

New piece: "Hecate"...

 

Here's my other entry for the witch themed art show coming up in October.  I'm ok with it, but I need to learn to slow down when I paint.  Being a propmaker for years meant I learned to paint fast for deadlines.  I am also super neurotic, so maybe that's another reason I rush to finish pieces.  But I like the psychedelic background, the colours, and the line work.  12 x 12", acrylics and paint pens on canvas - I might sell this for $200.00.  (There's just a little bit more line work to do on the sides.)

There is also another art show I submitted to, later in October - it's Hallowe'en themed, I submitted Medusa, here's hoping I get in!

Magic mushrooms are really helping, BTW - I have been working away at that 7G bag incrementally, and already I feel something cleaner in the mind.  Thank God for Shroomyz - now it's easy to get this medicine.

-Saraƒin

A return to the Mushroom Kingdom...

After a rather rough August, I decided to take the advice of something I felt called to do by my guides, and once again I looked into psilocybin mushrooms.  This was something I was trying to avoid, out of caution, but because in other ways I am feeling much more grounded as a subconscious, I thought I could handle them again, if I did a low dose.

Mushroom shops have popped up around the GTA, and there is one right around the corner from me.  I bought 7G of Mexican Cubensis, and decided on just under 1G for my first trip.  The results were a mild hallucinogenic response, followed by feelings of euphoria, as though something in the mind was getting clearer.  The next day, I did just over 1G, and felt a slightly more powerful reaction, where I bawled my eyes out when I felt God come through and express great love for me.

I have decided that the next time I do more will be in about a week, just to allow my system to process the medicine, but it did seem worth it.  The man at the Shroomyz store recommended this, for spacing out the trips, just to be safe.  I can't lie down when I do mushrooms, I am realizing this - it's as though I retreat into the mind, and can get very anxious.  So, I pace, which keeps everything grounded for me.  The slightly higher dose seemed to bring about finer results, so I think my new normal with mushrooms will be to do just under a gram and a half.  (I don't think microdosing was effective for my needs.)

I am a little bit sick right now - masking up, I don't know if it's COVID, could not track down a testing kit to find out, so I'm just laying low and not going out with friends.  I already feel a bit better, I don't expect it to last.

-Saraƒin

Missing a friend...

I got some extremely troubling news about a dear friend of mine yesterday:

One of my fellow comic jammers passed away on August 28th, he committed suicide.  He had moved out east for various reasons, both medical and financial, suffered a break from reality, and was not able to ground.  Friends of mine who knew him still don't know all the details of his death, but we got together yesterday for a pint to share stories about him.  We have a couple of celebrations of his life coming up.  He loved karaoke, so one will be a karaoke event... another will be a comic jam event dedicated to him.  

This is a very sad time, we believe that if he had stayed in Toronto, he might have known more supports in the community, he was rather isolated in New Brunswick.  From what I understand, he only had one family member he was regularly in contact with.  I knew he was having problems, but it sounded like he wanted his distance from others, so I didn't reach out, trying to honour this.  Now I regret it, though I'm not sure what I could have done, not being in the same province.

Rest in peace, dear friend.  I have been saying prayers for him in the hopes that it can help his soul on his journey.

-Saraƒin

Camp...

Camp is one of the themes in a lot of my work.  Having very little training in the arts, aside from specialty high school art training and one year of art college (and the occasional continuing education class), I am just not the finest craftsperson when it comes to any artistic discipline.  But I do have high concept ideas, a ton of creativity in me, and enough knack for colour and line that I can pull off something effectively.  I may never impress the big leagues, but I am doing ok as a name in indie culture.  (Of course, it would help if I was a better self promoter, but I feel so beaten up by life, I tend to shy away from attention, unless small.  I like to wait for my ships to sail in, I don't go seeking them - too shy, too afraid of disappointment.)

Camp might happen when a director is so ill-trained or awkward that something becomes delightful for its own sake, or because of how crude it is - we may like it for all the wrong reasons, but it still becomes an important piece in pop culture.  (This is not always the case for camp, but there is something to be said about things that are awkward delighting us.)  In my case, I had a high concept idea with Asylum Squad, but not the highest level of skill in writing and art... I insisted on making it anyway, because I had something to say.  I consider it a form of camp, but also a kind of interesting satire that holds the reader's attention with its absurdity so that the satirical message can be delivered.  Not having a lot of money is another reason I couldn't promote it as much, and publication has only been here and there, when I could afford it.  It is a property I hope to do more with someday, but right now I simply sit with it, reprinting it whenever I can.

When I was a kid, I had aspirations of being a big career artist.  I am a bit sad that, at 42, it may be a dream deferred - it's as though I got somewhere with my art, at least for a while, but not where I wanted to be at this point.  I don't want to go back to art school - I feel my mind is incompatible with that environment, and I don't personally desire to go to any of the local art schools anyway, when I hear stories from their dropouts.  Something about everything going digital really puts me off, and I desire to avoid computers where I can, when it comes to illustration.  As mentioned before on this blog, perhaps with the creation of AI art, we may groan more about digital art than ever before, and long to go back to the canvas.

I don't know where I'm going with art down the road, but right now I'm going to stick to gallery openings and illustration.  (I long to get off of Latuda, because I believe it stifles me a bit technically and creatively.)

-Saraƒin

Afterthoughts...

I was really sad yesterday... today, maybe I'm slightly better.  I read on the roach spraying note that to see roaches post treatment is normal - I'm just hoping that there's not tons in hiding, bound to multiply.  I alerted my building, asking for help, if needed - I'm trying to calm down about everything.  I have to tell myself - at least these are Canadian pests, not the kind of giant insects you see in warmer climates, they're not bedbugs or mice (knock on wood) - I just got a good 10 years in this unit with only one other roach sighting, and I thought the peace would continue.  To go through this makes me panic, having lived before in inadequate housing, knowing several kinds of pests at once.  It's not like I'm made of money, and can just pack up and move, if this project gets overrun by pests, becoming a dive.

I'm also just contemplating my relationship to medicine in general, it feels pretty hopeless.  It seems like doing an average job with a client is fine by the standards of the Canadian medical world - in psychiatry, it's "diagnose them with whatever you have to in order to get them treatment", it has very little to do with actual science.  I suppose they're relying on the average mind to be naive enough to buy it, but after the damage it has caused my life, I just can't stomach it anymore.  Getting a psychiatric diagnosis, in this region at least, ain't like Gregory House - it's more like ordering a Big Mac at McDonald's.  I now know the psychiatric hospital to be a place about abuse, social control, and humiliation, and little more.  My case is rare, requires a deeper analysis, I am still on that damn waiting list for an autism diagnosis, and I don't expect anything but shoddy treatment in the meantime.  This, and dental abuse as a child, leads me to fear how other levels of medicine might screw me up, down the road, as the body breaks down.  I would sue if I could afford a lawyer, just so I could know a bigger nest egg in the end, if and when I require pricey dental work that isn't covered, a chiropractor, or some other medical expense not available unless you have coin.

I am not in love with money, but it sure is nice what it can bring, especially when one is in need.

-Saraƒin

Misery...

Today, I am not feeling very good - I am dealing with a major pest control problem, and feel very hopeless about my situation.  Last year, I contemplated the idea of giving myself 10 more years before deciding on suicide,  now it would be more like 8 1/2 years before I would make that decision.  I doubt I could get MAID, because I am getting healthier, but there's always taking the long bus out of town, like Enid at the end of "Ghost World".  Life feels pointless, insulting, and desperate sometimes.

I panic, knowing I am unlikely to know a better life, because of how impossible it is for most low income people to know one anyway, let alone a middle aged disabled woman without a higher education, barely any nest egg, and an art career that went nowhere, because no one understands my art, and I never became technically brilliant.  Perhaps these roaches are just a reminder of how bleak things will continue to get as I age, in an economy that will destroy my demographic, with no hopes of any silver lining.

It's strange to believe in God, but not believe in love.  Love never protected me from hate, it never protected me from crimes against my body, these crimes weren't validated by psychiatry as reasons to diagnose me with PTSD (until my scientist friend agreed with me, and God knows, I don't even know what psychiatry did with the SCID results).  Psychiatry loves seeing me as foolish, they don't think I have insight, they have been one of my biggest abusers, and I long to walk away from them forever.

I just had a spray down of my unit, and it was ineffective.  It probably means they're everywhere on my floor, and there's no way of stopping another tenant from letting their unit get overrun, so my hands are tied - I must now spray again, the preparation is extremely stressful for me, as stressful as moving.  I am having a weak time right now - I self injured again, not knowing where to put my frustrations, I had only just solved the noise problem above me, and now this.  It seems I can never know peace and quiet, I can never know stillness from abuse, I am so tired and alone with what I suffer.  I am forever waiting for the next shoe to drop, while mediocrity rules.  Who's the next loved one to die?  When will cancer set in?  What's going to destroy my tiny nest egg?  I can't take this anymore.

I want to believe that this too shall pass, but today I feel weak.  I hate my life, I hate the loneliness I feel with everything I have to deal with, and I hate that the only game in town to turn to, psychiatry, wants to treat me like shit. 

I am not afraid of dying anymore, but I am afraid of the humiliation of aging in poverty.

-Saraƒin

Upcoming October art show: "Woman, Man, Myth and Magic"...

I am also planning on putting some art into this show, coming up in October.  The curator said he would take "The Brazen Bull", as it is in theme enough, and there are a few occult imagery pieces that might fit in this show as well.  I might do that Hecate piece I was thinking about making, if I get to it.  I am really looking forward to this event - I bet the art will be great, considering some of the minds I have met in the local art scene!  (I may drop the price of "The Brazen Bull" a bit lower, to try and move some more pieces - again, this depends on what the curator feels I should do.)

This coming Monday is art drop off day for the Super Yummy Show - I'm glad I got two pieces done!  I can't wait until the opening!

-Saraƒin

New illustration: "Holy Communion"...

This is likely my second contribution to the Super Yummy Show coming up soon, at the Super Wonder Gallery.  These are kind of "fan service" type pieces I might do now and again, for a quick buck, if anyone wants it.  I decided there is no way I would ever do a comic about this character, because of the hatred I would get from religious audiences who do not understand my whimsically dark sense of humour.  But maybe just some silly little piece, here and there, as an illustration, why not?

I'm not sold that I nailed the structure here, but I like the colours - I am a much better artist when it comes to line work and colour than I am with things like perspective and structure, that's my downfall.  Hopefully, with time I can improve where I am weak.  I felt extremely addled for many years because of my spiritual emergency, I am trying to catch up again as a technician.

-Saraƒin

The Super Yummy Summer Exhibition...

Here is the art show that "Dionysus" is going in - I just wanted to share the flyer.  I haven't started the next piece for it yet - I hope to get one more done, as mentioned.  There is also another show coming up at Super Wonder Gallery in October, witchy themed stuff, that the curator said "The Brazen Bull" would work well in.  I might try and do a new piece, perhaps one of Hecate, for that show - there's also my piece about the 7 Directions that would work for occult/esoteric art.  Good to know I have some events coming up!

I just spray varnished "Dionysus", it's drying in my bathtub.  I'm penciling what the next illustration might look like, for now.

-Saraƒin

New illustration: "Dionysus"...

It's so funny that with the Paris Olympics opening ceremony, Dionysus would be a subject in the news, I had already started on this one - I guess I'm cutting edge!  lol

I missed the deadline for the "All You Can Eat" Northern Contemporary gallery show, but there's a similar food themed show happening at the Super Wonder Gallery, so I am submitting this one to that show instead, along with perhaps one more piece.  (I think I am going to do another Sister Penance pinup, one with her holding bread and wine - I decided to call that pinup series "Vatican 7", suggesting a fictional Catholic church from the distant future.  It's not going to be a comic series, just an illustration series.)

This is acrylic and paint pens on canvas, 16 x 12" - I might price it at $300.00, but I have to talk to the gallery curator.

-Saraƒin

New reels...

Because I am feeling a bit healthier these days, I decided to improve the format, and start doing download reels again.  I didn't like the YouTube experience very much, so they're just getting posted to Instagram and my social media.  I had a few ideas for questions to ask the Spirit, so I guess I will be posting these from time to time, again.  (My Instagram is @sarafin_asylumsquad - feel free to follow me on there, if you like.)

I am contemplating life goals right now, and the biggest one for me is to make it off of Latuda.  There is a symphony in my mind that I wish to explore, but I need to get the mind to a place where I can either work with it with greater ease, or turn it on and off at will, so that it doesn't overwhelm the mind's eye with its contents.  Maybe it's a form of hyperphantasia, but it's rich, lush, and so adorable, I can't stop laughing without my "strait-jacket pills".  I hate taking them so much, because it makes life feel less interesting, it's just that I need to for life in the big city.  It's so dissatisfying to know that if I lived in a quieter, safer place (and had handlers), they likely wouldn't be necessary, but I need to work with the general public at my job, and do all the things a single woman must do on her own.  So unwholesome, so depressing, and not good for me as an artist.  Conservative mental health thinking breaks my heart, and angers my soul.

An update on the Marian Shrine of Gratitude - the fight to save it is still on.  The buyer is extremely anti-Catholic, and seems to get off on insulting the Virgin Mary, which is making the Catholic community sick.  The destruction of that special place is just another example of how insulting I find this city - no respect for the sacred, all about money, and not enough outrage.  The destruction of the Ontario Science Centre, although not about sacred land, is also infuriating.

I really need a vacation to a sacred site, or a place with rich culture - my soul is starving for it.  The downtown Toronto life experience is as plastic and as bland as an Apple store, it gets to me after a while.  

Toronto stinks like marijuana and sounds like mumble rap, how depressing.  T_T

-Saraƒin

Looking through my Instagram photos...

I was just scrolling through old Instagram photos from not even a year and a half ago, and I've come a long way in my healing, it definitely shows.  I remember that, at the time, there was still such horror, a terrible strain that affected me no matter what dosage of Latuda I was on - I knew it was spiritual.  I knuckled down with a lot of folk magick and kept at it, I used THC daily for a while, and now, it feels like something truly awful has lifted.  It was as though I carried a "sin" at Manipura that was not my own, like a ball and chain, and I had to shed it, something wrong with the energy body.  My Hara must have been really off, but the Ashwagandha root recently seemed to take care of something at navel level.  I know it sounds like I am hard on myself, but I cringe at my appearance when I look back, and I know it's why many were strange with me.  I never acted out, fought through the pain, and even when I contemplated suicide and self injured (mildly), I held on, and felt Spirit keep telling me things would turn out ok.

Part of being the wounded healer type is first healing yourself, so maybe I have a call, down the road.  I will continue to do folk magick, but now it seems to be about building personal power moreso than healing an aura.  Certain levels of life seem effortless right now, even though I could always use more money than my current income.  But not spending money is another way of making money, so despite my thirst for thrifting, it's still just thrifting, and mostly I have put more away than I used to.

I am confident Latuda will one way be a pill of the past, but I am still being cautious, because I feel the Crown chakra adjusting, and the city is a big, noisy place.  Buddhists, for one, wouldn't frown upon use of the antipsychotic, in cases like this.  It's just a shame one has to deal with irrelevant ideas attached to taking them.  The DSM really needs the right code, when transformative psychology becomes a syndrome.

-Saraƒin

Gotu Kola...

I went back to Herbie's Herbs during the great storm that led to floods in Toronto yesterday, to purchase Gotu Kola, another herb I wanted to try as a smudge, to help with the crown chakra, after I was contemplating herbs and thought it was worth it to try this one as well.  I got home, lit a charcoal, sprinkled some over it, and felt a calm in my mind as I did so.  I am not sure if the results are as dramatic as what I got with Ashwagandha (I am still feeling equally calm in Manipura, BTW), but for $9.00 a bag, why not keep the herb around?  I may turn to it, here and there, just to coax a response.

I have been doing this blog since 2018, shortly before I tackled my problem with the entity, and it has gone from being a place of solving myself out of conflict, to a site about regular updates regarding mental and spiritual health, and art.  I have come a long way since my initial problems with spiritual emergency (and the battle with psychiatric services, which refuse to acknowledge spiritual emergency) - I am shy to look back and read previous articles, I have deleted many out of this shyness, I am not one to heavily self promote, because of my fears of hostility from the internet, and what any form of fame may bring.  I donned this latex nun habit, as a satirist, because I was, for the longest time, never taken seriously in ways I wanted to be, so I chose to revel in it, to laugh with my enemies.  Many had decided I was no good, I have been shunned and oppressed, so I chose to present as the "worst nun" while I laughed at the idea that I could ever be a nun, when I considered it.

I am not sure what direction this blog may take down the road, but it looks to be simply a place where I make updates on my art career, while I get on with things, and re-establish myself.

-Saraƒin

More smudging with the Ashwagandha root...

Yesterday, I felt directed to smudge a bit more with the Ashwagandha root, this time targeting the root chakra, and today, the crown.

Last night, after a smudging session, I felt strange reactions throughout the soul, while the guides told me to calm, because it was just something changing in Muladhara, which I guess was also a little bit unhealthy, but maybe not as bad as Manipura, at one point.  I woke up feeling fine, and was then directed to smudge the crown, to help with higher consciousness.  Spirit writing suggests my soul is now much healthier - certainly, the navel centre was the worst, and still remains calm and soothed, days later.  I suppose now I just have to wait for the mind throughout to calm out of these knots and flaws in consciousness, the equilibrium I seek is coming.

I did a funny little reel of me dancing in my strait-jacket on Instagram and TikTok, so if you follow me on there, you can view it.  Sort of psychedelic, set to "All The Madmen" by David Bowie - it was Bastille Day yesterday, which is the day of the annual Bed Push for Mad Pride Toronto, and I wanted to do a contribution to Mad Pride as a reel.

I am not even sure how active the local scene is these days - the pandemic kind of killed a lot, and although Toronto is the birthplace of Mad Pride, it's not the most active scene right now.

-Saraƒin

Still feeling good today!

After karaoke last night, I had a refreshingly satisfying sleep, not something I always experience, and woke to find that my soul still felt free of soreness.  Last night, before bed, I smudged again with the Ashwagandha root, this time calling to the Orisha Nana Buluku.  Time will tell for sure, but I think I did something major.  I now recommend this root to anyone who feels they suffer from auric problems.

It sickens me that the prevailing attitude in my region about encountering God seems to be that God should be a boring mystery, not a rich adventure full of visions, encounters with angelic entities, and downloads from Heaven.  The result is a system that will oppress mystics, seers, shamans, which is what Asylum Squad emphasizes with its concluding twist.  Gifts will be seen as brain disease, even without scientific proof of any disease.  I wonder how CAMH would treat a Carmelite nun - would she be allowed her faith, or would the psychiatrist force a diagnosis to control the situation?  I am not sure what treatment would be for the mystic elsewhere in the world, but Toronto is a lobotomy for the soul.  Doctors need to learn that just because an idea is atheistic, that doesn't make it scientific.

We can do better.  I pray that others who are in spiritual crisis get what they need.

-Saraƒin

Ashwagandha root...

Some interesting healing news from today:

I was out for a long stroll, as brisk walks throughout the city are one way I get my exercise, when I decided to wander into Herbie's Herbs on Queen St West, an excellent store for natural remedies and alternative medicine.  I had prayed to the Spirit to direct my attention to anything in the store that could be beneficial in my healing journey.

The Spirit guided my eyes to fall on a bag of Ashwagandha root, which was about $11.40 for quite a bit of it. Not sure of what its use was, I looked it up on my phone, and found its magickal properties to be effective for chakra healing and mental health.  Satisfied that, at $11.40 + tax, I might as well buy it and give it a shot, I took it home and lit a charcoal, using it as a smudge, after calling in the 7 Directions.

After several minutes and several rounds of a pinch of the root, I began to feel calming, soothing sensations at navel level.  Then I got a download that said: "Only two more bowls, and then you don't need to do anymore".  After doing so, I got the sense to stop, and felt a great calm come over me.

Often when I smudge, my body reacts with deep inhales, but I had never found the right medicine to solve certain levels of pain at Manipura.  I am suspecting that this might have done at least something, because for the rest of the day, I was pain free, and quite relaxed.

I will have to see how this continues - tonight, I shall enjoy some more karaoke, along with a couple of pints, to celebrate.

-Saraƒin

Omnibus delay...

Just a little update about the current state of the omnibus project:

My friend and I are a bit behind schedule with putting it together, and it might not even be available for a while.  But we are still compiling it, it's just that our lives have been busy with other things, and we can only get together intermittently.  I will post updates on this blog as things progress with it.

I felt another level of release from my strain the other day, probably from all the folk magick I have been practising.  My gut just feels a little less shitty, like the mind is going to be ok in that region.  I was having premonitions of milestones in healing - the next big one I am getting might be in August of this year.  If my cholesterol does not go down from all the dietary changes I have made, I may soon ask my GP to lower my Latuda a bit, since I think I might be able to get away with it at this point.

The Hallowe'en decorations are already starting to creep into the stores, and anyone who knows me well knows what that means - time to play goth Martha Stewart!  I have already bought a ceramic coffin shaped  serving platter, and a hanging skull planter, to add to my witch doctor aesthetic.  I have decided on a simpler Hallowe'en costume for this year - Santa Muerte, which will mostly be from items and articles I already own.  I just want to get a skull mask, maybe a crown of roses on a headband, I'm not going to bother with the items She clutches in iconography.  A nice, easy costume that won't take long to put together at all, and won't cost too much money.

If I tone enough with exercise, I might go as Wonder Woman some year, or something like that, just to feel good in my new body.  Not the most exciting or original costume by any means, but Diana is a badass, so why not?

-Saraƒin

Orisha...

I have done this a bit in the past as well, but now I am experimenting once more with prayers to the Orisha.  A couple, in particular, seemed to have created a reaction, and now I feel a bit more relaxed in the solar plexus region.  Sometimes, I get a rush after lighting one of their candles and uttering some prayers, a sign there might be a change.  The problem at this point seemed to be disharmony at the navel region of the mind, while the ego has been strong in me for a long time, the subconscious felt addled and disturbed - now, less so.  I have concluded there's very little western mainstream medicine can do for my current state, so, alternative medicine and folk magick it has to be.  Like piano lessons, this stuff only really starts to work for you after years of intense commitment to practising it, which is what I tell the skeptics.  Treating God like a lab experiment where you go into it as a skeptic and demand proof to satisfy your ego gets you nowhere, you have to take it seriously and commit - faith helps with the act of will, and will commands the result.

I am still not smoking THC anymore - it served its purpose, though.  It has been over a month since my last joint.  I lit many candles to St. Jude to overcome that little hurdle where the old smoker in me loved to light one up in the morning with breakfast... that craving is now gone.  I guess the health benefits of using daily doses of THC is proof alone to any psychiatrist who pays attention that this was not literally a schizophrenia spectrum disorder, but instead about deep rooted trauma and spiritual transformation.  The THC did something with consciousness where it just felt bumped ahead a bit, and the ego began to feel more in charge.  What a relief, and what a joke that I ever took any advice that this stuff was going to fuck me up - I just needed to get further along in my healing before taking it up again as a medicine.  Now, I let it go, my lungs are very happy.

In fact, the only thing that's really stressing me out right now is an ongoing noise issue in my building.  I live under one of our two laundry rooms, and when one of the machines goes into spin mode, it rattles something in the walls, which disturbs me in my unit.  Last night, some jerk was doing laundry in the middle of the night (no one is supposed to after 10:30 pm) and the rattling was once again set off, waking me up.  Ugh!  I have been trying to tackle this with my building, but, typical Saraƒin, I'm also lighting candles to the gods and commanding that this be solved as quickly as possible, in any way possible. lol

Also, my weight loss goals have been achieved - I have lost 50 lbs since my dieting journey began!  All the exercise must have knocked off another 15 lbs.  I am very happy to be slim again!

-Saraƒin

Modified found art sculpture: "St Hubert of Liege"...

All done!  This charming piece of nonsense asks: what if St. Hubert killed the deer anyway?  Now that it's finished, I find it kind of awful, but I still like it.  I think I will still price it at $700.00, because I want to hang onto it, but if someone really wants to buy it, I'll sell it for that.  I might put it up above the icon of my Dad, but it's early in the day right now, and I don't want to wake up the neighbours.

(The rosary came after St. Hubert, but I think it just adds to the absurdity of this piece, so when I found that out, I shrugged and left it on.  The piece reminds me of Laibach's sense of humour.)

I didn't expect to find these antlers at the thrift store.  Once I brought them home, I felt compelled to get to work immediately.  My next piece will probably be that Dionysus painting I was mentioning in my last post.

-Saraƒin

UPDATE: I showed this piece to my Mom, and she remarked on something she saw in it that I didn't even think of: that we humans, as ruthless as we can be, are so cruel to animals, that this is also about sacrifice in general.  We kill animals for fun all the time, but we also killed a god.  Perhaps this is a more powerful piece than I thought.

 

Work in progress: "St. Hubert of Liege"...

As mentioned a couple of posts ago, I am a frequent thrifter, and today I struck gold at Value Village - I found this for $10.99, and got the mad idea to make a piece of ironic Catholic art referencing St. Hubert of Liege, the patron saint of hunters.  I decided I was going to take it home, prime the back with black paint, and add a crucifix to it.  The more I thought about it, I began to laugh, because according to his story, he was about to kill a stag, while hunting, when a crucifix appeared above its antlers, and he was instructed to convert to the faith by a voice.  He later became a bishop.

This piece is ridiculous, because it suggests that not only did he kill the stag anyway, he made a trophy out of it to honour the incident, but what it really suggests is the crimes of religion, where Catholics use the name of Jesus to create suffering in the world.  (I must emphasize that this has nothing to do with the saint himself, it's a cartoonist's wit making a statement about corruption in religion, using strange Catholic kitsch.)

So far, I have the base painted, the crucifix attached and gold leafed, and the front and sides varnished.  It's drying in the bathtub overnight - later, when I re-attach the antlers, I will be adding an old wooden rosary that will hang from their base.

Recently, there was a modified found art show at Northern Contemporary - too bad I missed it, I would have put this piece in, I'm hoping there will be similar shows in the future.  I have to see how it looks put together, but I might price it at $700.00.

Another piece I am going to get started on soon is an illustration of Dionysus that I want to enter into another Northern Contemporary show called "All You Can Eat", which is food themed.  I just need to find the right canvas for it - I want another big solid one, so I can price the piece higher.

-Saraƒin

What I've learned from working with God...

Just some notes now about my feelings since committing to God, for mental health, and as a way of life:

Although I have to call myself an eclectic now, I still consider myself Christian, at least as a spiritual foundation, in the way that someone who is culturally Christian, who got somewhere with it might, even after opening other doors.  I was strictly Christian for a while, to defeat my conflict with the entity, but a time came when I felt God was allowing me to explore other things too, so now I must identify as something other than a typical Christian, but folk spirituality dictates that this can happen, as many religious orders have suggested.  I feel Jesus is one of the most relevant gods to humanity, and I feel it is not just the Christian who may work well with Him, but other groups too.

Without God, I can't imagine better mental health at this point.  It is sad to see how Jesus corrupts if religion presents Him badly, and yet I know what His power brings, as a mystic.  I am not Bible obsessed, although I use it as a tool for scrying and prayer, and find it to be a powerful practice.  Something happened with my heart, where it became a personal guide that connected me to God, and that tool is something I seek to refine with discipline.  It is also sad how the mental health professional cannot honour the idea of a personal inner guide, without the fear of that complicating a life, considering the richness it brings, and the stability I have found, following its advice.  This is not voice hearing, as I have learned, but instead an inner sense of self that is presenting wisdom.  My file, perhaps now corrupt, a doctor cannot hear this, preferring the idea that I am psychotic.  Perhaps this is a Toronto problem, it would be nice if, locally, they could recognize the difference.

I compare the path of God to riding in a Rolls Royce, versus riding in a Lada: without God, or with forces that are not appropriate, you can't expect as smooth a ride.  Finding Jesus meant that I found other workable sources that are right for me, and I am still learning what those are.  The journey is simply better, you will make more friends, and find less trouble.  I do recommend God, in whatever way one can know God, in whatever way that is culturally appropriate, as a valuable influence, even if God is a hard pill to swallow for some.  I simply feel now that belief in Spirit, and good relations to God, are important for finer mental health.  

To the atheist or the agnostic, I say, live as one would, as though to serve Love itself, if the idea of God is too much for you.  Perhaps that is enough for the self.

-Saraƒin

Clothes...

Me, wearing one of my many great thrift finds

Clothes are very important to me.  As much as I have gotten somewhere with abandoning certain levels of material obsession, I just don't feel like I can ever abandon the pursuit of style.

This became very clear to me, as I got better with my mental health, and refined with my soul's journey, that I still want to be a fashionista.  I now thrift at least once a week, thrift being an easy way of seeking stylish clothing on a budget.  The rule of thumb, I find, is to thrift often, because you will eventually strike gold.  Clothes are a way of expressing the self, and its refinement, by doing little more than putting oneself together for the day.  (I also don makeup daily, and have gotten better with technique, the more I explore it.)

I got even more into clothes and makeup since the pandemic lockdowns.  Putting on clothes, instead of lounging around in my PJs, meant that I felt I had solved at least a part of the day, instead of letting that nagging feeling of not doing much of anything set in.  Although I agree that people should basically do whatever they want with their appearance (within reason), exploring style helped me to feel like I had put an effort into something - as an artist, if I had not committed to an art project in a long while, at least I had treated my body as a canvas, and made an interesting presentation with myself.  Makeup, while we were all masking, made my eyes look more expressive, allowing for finer means of communication, when our lips were all covered because of the masks.

Another major reason I have stepped up my fashionista game was because of the offensive diagnosis of Schizotypal Personality Disorder that I received in March of 2023, which I later fought with SCID, and seemed to defeat.  I became obsessed with the idea of defeating the idea that I bore a strange appearance, and had problems socializing, by presenting as "posh" as possible, while still being counterculture about it.  So now, daily, I put myself together, I often take a selfie to show off my style, to discredit the psychiatrist.  I have also gone full extrovert as of late, socializing at least 2 to 3 times per week, to prove I know how to make friends, and am very involved with the community.  Schizotypal Personality Disorder, in my opinion, has no place in the DSM, because of how problematic it is.  Perhaps SPD is to the shaman, as an example, what Hysteria was to womankind, and I would hope that one day, toxic atheism backs out of psychiatry, takes this one out, just as other disorders deemed inappropriate with changing times have been removed.

Thrift has also been a fantastic way of decorating my low income apartment, which I have turned into a little "witch doctor pad" - both personal appearance, and decor, are a part of the ongoing art project of allowing more style into my life.  Not obsessing about wealth, I am now delighting in "thrift wealth".

Style also helps with relations - I seem to fair better with the average person if I present something lovely to the world. While following fashion trends may sometimes mean requiring a bigger budget, style doesn't have to be that expensive.  It's just important to not collect too much, and move items as new ones come into my collection, so as to not get overburdened!

-Saraƒin

New illustration: "The Key, The Promise"...

This new piece is tiny, at only 5 x 7" - as mentioned in a previous post, when I mused about creating it, it's based on that time in 2008 when I committed to getting myself out of spirit possession by burying a key in the soil, as a declaration that I would defeat my conflict.  After the problem was solved in 2018, I started getting a spirit drawing of the same key, as though Spirit was telling me the deed was done - that's how I interpret it, anyway.  I'm selling this for $75, because it is very small.

(The name is a play on the song title "The Key The Secret" by British Eurodance group Urban Cookie Collective, which is little more than my sense of humour at play.)

Neurosis continues to flare up, here and there, at nighttime - I suppose one can't go through what I did without some ongoing levels of this.  I try to avoid popping Ativan, because they can become habit forming, opting to take Loxapine instead, to knock myself out.  I have to say, at least my anxiety is less intense now, but the night is when it all comes out in me, traumas are relived.  

Thank God for the "angel orderlies" around to calm me - this comes in the form of a force that calms my body whenever I panic or thrash.

-Saraƒin

Mental health update...

Last month, I achieved a new level of calm in the mind, and into June, the healing continues.  I am still avoiding THC now, I get the sense it can no longer be medicinal.  The last time I consumed it, I got a powerful message to stop, so I did - I still have some left over, but I think I will just use it as offerings to the gods when I pray.  All shadows are gone - perhaps mild awkwardness remains in the form of little whispers from the subconscious, but there are no "devils" to speak of.  I light candles and pray to St. Jude to take away any desire I have for marijuana - my goal was to use it medicinally, then to let it go, because I have no interest in being a recreational marijuana smoker whatsoever.  (I'm also thinking that perhaps I won't touch psilocybin after all - something flowered in me where I probably don't need it.)

Consuming THC regularly probably meant mild memory problems and fatigue, so as I let it go, I expect those side effects to go away.  Certainly, I am losing anxiety over my lungs now - they never got that bad, but I wanted to stop when I could, I felt smoking was the finest way of getting the medicine, at least for the soul.  Other methods just weren't cutting it.  God had promised me it was temporary, it looks like the time has come to let it go, I am relieved.

The art opening was fun - I met another artist presenting, there were over 400 pieces, great work.  It feels wonderful to be presenting in galleries again.  I had a sadness when I wasn't as involved in the arts because of self doubt, and now that feeling is lifting.  I still have no plans for new comics, although I do jam sometimes with other cartoonists.  Illustration is what I'm concentrating on these days.

Just for fun now - I recently decided my Hogwarts house is not Ravenclaw after all, not having the booksmarts of that house, but I am instead a classic example of Gryffindor, which is what I used to say in my 20s because of my name.  I was going through a phase where I identified heavily with Luna Lovegood, perhaps because of how unusual my life is, but as I turned a corner in healing and saw a stronger sense of self come forward, I came to identify more with Gryffindor traits.  

(Perhaps I have traits from all four houses, even Slytherin, but Gryffindor makes the most sense to me at this point - time to change what my profile says.) lol

-Saraƒin

"All The Small Things" art show...

I just got in from dropping "Little Bee" off at Northern Contemporary art gallery.  The show opening is this Thursday, June 6th, at 6:00 pm - Northern Contemporary is at 420 Roncesvalles Ave in Toronto.  (I heard that about 400 pieces are going in the show.)

I have just had an insight that it's time to give up marijuana smoking, that its medicine has served its purpose, so as of yesterday, I stopped using it, because my lungs needed a break anyway.  It doesn't feel like I have weakened lung capacity, only that I know in quitting, my lungs will feel better.  I must admit, I did experiment with alcohol magick again, and began to feel the rushes up the spine, so maybe the angels just wanted me to dry out a bit, for a while.  I am trying to stick with light beverages - no more damn Fireball, but maybe some wine here and there, mostly I want to stick with beers and ciders.  Something feels slightly stronger in the mind, so I have stopped the marijuana, probably no longer needing it.  (I may or may not try a low dose of psilocybin sometime, I'm thinking about it, but again, I don't want to get too into entheogens, if there's another way.)

Sleep is decent - sometimes I need a PRN, I notice that I simply don't feel as strong at night as during the day, so this can cause restlessness while trying to get to sleep.  But the sunny weather is back, the days are long again, so I feel much better than I do during the winter months.  Neurosis is my worst enemy, but even that is not as bad as it was.  Getting outside and enjoying the weather with long walks and hangouts under the trees is very healing - one of my meditations has become long strolls throughout the city, exercise is more enjoyable now that I am slimmer.

No real travel plans just yet - I will be seeing family later this month, I might go to the SSJD convent for a retreat later in the summer.  Also - one friend and I are still musing about a trip to Mexico City, because she often goes down there, and I would love to tag along sometime.

-Saraƒin

"Little Bee" is going into an art show!

I don't have all the details just yet, but my latest painting, "Little Bee", was accepted into an upcoming art show.  I am to deliver the piece next week, I will have further details soon, if anyone is interested in checking out the show.  It's called "All the Small Things", a series of smaller art pieces, at Northern Contemporary on Roncesvalles, Toronto.

I keep getting a spirit drawing of a key, so I feel drawn to do another small canvas piece with this in mind. I think it's referring to an event from my past, where I buried an old key as an intention to keep fighting to rid myself of my spiritual problems.  Now that I've succeeded with that, it might be an interesting reminder that times are better now.  So, that's probably my next painting.

My exercising continues, flights of stairs aren't quite as exhausting, long walks are my daily meditation.  I am not super toned, but I think my core has gotten stronger.  I'm trying to make floor exercises a meditation, too.  

Not bad, Taurus!

-Saraƒin

Ugh...

I just had a blood test to check on my numbers - while iron is still fine for now, cholesterol has gone up, and since my diet and exercise have greatly improved (I now eat quite lean, have lost 35 lbs over the past year, and I have continued with my long walks about the city, along with my floor exercises) I suspect it's Latuda that's doing it, since that's a known side effect.  This is depressing, because it felt like that was the only antipsychotic I took that seemed to not give me side effects.  Although SCID discredited the idea of me having a psychotic disorder, it's as though my mind's eye gets too overwhelmed without them, life in the big city is loud, and I get bombarded with the imagination.  I am certain my "condition" is a gift, but good luck convincing a psychiatrist of that - it makes me sick my health has to suffer no matter what I do, because these drugs are really hard on the body.  I beg God to help me get off them someday, if I can ever know a mind's eye that is still.  In the meantime, I must discuss this with my GP when I talk to him soon about the lab results.

Shadows are much less now, God feels closer, at least - I still feel a fatigue, a strain, and sometimes I feel like I am dying, but according to kundalini studies, it can feel strange at certain levels of development.  I just wish I knew where to find a specialist to open up to about all this - I doubt I will find one, and if I did, I would probably not be able to afford them.  Doctors in Toronto don't seem to know what kundalini is, it's insane how I can go to a crystal shop, and "Becky" knows what I'm talking about, but a doctor is clueless - this seems to be the standard.  It's problematic, because it might lead to overanalyzing a client, which has happened to me repeatedly, and was not corrected for over a decade and a half.  

If I have a gifted brain, I just hope these horrible drugs haven't iatrogenically harmed me beyond repair, and that Western ignorance didn't destroy my potential.  (I also suffer as an artist on antipsychotics, and life feels stale.)  Things seem bleak when I think about this too much -  if I am a wasted mystic, I beg not to care, it's all I can do while I try to sort everything out.

I wish I knew a better life.

-Saraƒin

New piece: "Little Bee"...

This is a piece based on spirit drawings and channeled downloads I have been getting.  I channeled something interesting about the bee being comparable, as a symbol, to an apostle, in its goodness and its role in the world.  Here, the bee is not just representing an apostle as a metaphor, but the suggestion reminds us of how important the bee's role is to this planet.  That four leaf clover with the cross is also something I have repeatedly drawn in spirit drawings, so I made this one about the bee seeking the clover, suggestive of religious imagery.  I hope I did not overdo it with the psychedelic lines - in this case, they are to suggest the bee's call to seek the clover, I like putting lines like this in my work because of the rather psychedelic visions I have had.  (I took inspiration from the St Hubert-esque Jagermeister logo for its design.) Acrylic and paint pens on 8 x 8" canvas, $200.00.

There's an art show I am going to enter it into - I need to be a bigger presence in the gallery scene again.

-Saraƒin

New piece: "Cherub"...

Yesterday, I finished my latest illustration - I am calling it "Cherub", I think I might do a series of "biblically accurate angels", this was my choice for the first one.

After analyzing how it turned out, it's almost a tone as if to suggest God's feelings about the oppression of women, the angel looks stern here.  It was not what I was intentionally looking to put into it, but it's what I'm seeing, now that it's completed.  (I got more into analyzing my art after years of being a Jungian analysand, it can be interesting what I see.)

Next, maybe a seraph?  I have some other pieces in mind first.

$300, 16 x 20", acrylic and paint pens on canvas.

-Saraƒin

Shrinks do the darndest things (behind your back)...

As I reflect again on the conflict I had around this time last year, I am unnerved about something that reeks of psychiatric meddling:  

It was only upon returning to the outpatient clinic that I found out I had been diagnosed, behind my back, with Schizotypal Personality Disorder.  My feelings now are that it would have been very much appreciated if I had been told on the spot by this doctor that they were calling my set of symptoms this, offering me the opportunity for a debate over it, but instead, for whatever reason, it was hidden from me, like I was some kind of silly child, and I later found out that the diagnosis was invoked "to get me ECT" (said a social worker to my mother).  If this doctor had any idea how socially involved, and how much of a fashionista I am, would they have called me this?  This is a Cluster A personality disorder in the DSM V, these disorders tend to be about having difficulty relating to others, but I don't have that problem at all, so I believe I was just being stereotyped, I wonder what the real reasoning was?

When I took SCID to fight the diagnosis, it found that I only have two traits of Schizotypal Personality Disorder - fine, so I have traits, but you need 5 for a diagnosis.  So why was that not thoroughly discussed with me?  I could have prevented this, but it was hidden.  (I also have one trait of Narcissistic Personality Disorder - I will let you try to figure out which one.) 

When we are diagnosed with a physical disorder, the doctor tells us what's wrong, so we can proceed with treatment.  So why is this different with mental health services, why so sneaky?  I think it's because it's not just health care, it's social control.  I only asked for ECT because a doctor from the past advised me to do so, and one night, I didn't know what else to do, so I went to a hospital and asked for it.  In my ignorance, I didn't realize it's not good for trauma, but I was also looking to be screened for trauma, and I wasn't informed that it's not appropriate for that kind of mental health problem.  This worries me, as I get older, and have to rely more on the health care system because of my aging body.  (I have also decided to never ask for ECT again, levels of pain were much heavier last year, and I was overanalyzing my shadows, desperation made me test the universe.)

CAMH and I have a problem now because of this pattern, and I have decided to see them as something I can no longer turn to for any help, short of the one connection I have that works in the labs as a scientist.  I don't know what desperation might lead me to in a crisis, but right now it looks pretty hopeless.  Thank God I'm getting better.

The chart is fixed with SCID (I hope), but I'm still too neurotic to look at it on my own, and I think it's best to just leave it at that with them for now, out of fear that someone else might meddle with it again.  

It ain't easy being lower class coming out of a situation like this - how pretentious.

-Saraƒin

Recent spirit drawings...

I think I figured out the cobra symbolism I was getting... at least, I'm contemplating a new idea:

I recently began getting a spirit drawing of a multi-headed cobra, which I came to believe was Shesha, the serpentine demigod in Hinduism.  I am wondering if the cobra I felt come over me is related, and I am contemplating sources relating to Vishnu.  Since I believe praying to Krishna has opened ways of perceiving God in me, Vishnu, and perhaps Shesha, might be presenting for some reason.  I have periodically made offerings to these sources, and recently I did have a vision of Vishnu at navel level.  Perhaps prayers are aiding Manipura, the navel area has felt disrupted ever since my problems began.

I now suspect Shiva was not involved as a name that answered, in my case - I just had visions of Him.  Sometimes, I just get visions of God representation from other religions, and so I have prayed to sources I have seen come over my mind's eye.  Krishna feels more real, I feel like I have worked with Him, as though a saint allowed through the permission of Jesus.  I suppose esotericism can get like this, if you keep experimenting - certainly, there are plenty of principles, but not many hard rules.

The Wood Dragon year seems to be off to a good start - cheers to that, hope it continues.

-Saraƒin

Interesting...

I recently discussed diagnosis a bit more with a scientist friend who helped me out with my file.  According to her, psychiatrists are supposed to consider a person's religious interpretation, and the exact quality of the experience, for a diagnosis to be given - otherwise, it's not a solid diagnosis.  In my case, I had to learn that, according to DSM V, what I had was not literally voice hearing or hallucinations, but an internal experience that doctors failed to screen properly.  Perhaps they thought that, despite me claiming a religious experience that is common to many religions, because I wasn't fully as involved in my personal practice, they could disregard that rule.  But it was practice and spiritual discipline (mostly Christian, some non-Christian practises, too) that saved me, and is part of what helps me to heal.  With that in mind, I am pissed that I wasn't treated well, and it compromised meaning in my work.  Great, now the art world knows me a certain way because of misrepresentation, and it's all psychiatry's fault.

I hope there comes a day where I feel I can look at my file with confidence, but I don't feel strong enough yet.  I am so embarrassed about mental health awareness not getting Asylum Squad, because of all of this.  What a mess, I hope my career does not look ridiculous.

Going forward, most of my art is going to be about the soul, in protest of what my image became because of mishandling and bad PR.  If you are understanding this site exists, and you saw my work, thinking it was about schizophrenia, please understand - I never had it, and now the hospital agrees, too.  I have something Dr. Jung might understand better, but the hospital thinks Jung is a fruitcake, so I can forget about getting their sympathy.

Maybe one day, my artist's image will look the way it should.  Being psychiatrized really affects everything.

-Saraƒin

Don't fear the reefer - marijuana is working!

Based on where I am this year (as opposed to where I was last winter) with healing, and considering all factors, I am now very certain THC (smoked) is all I may need to defeat boring levels of suffering.  I was worried I may need something more expensive (or not quite legal, or grey zone legal), but incrementally, I am worlds better than I was, even in September.  For whatever reason, it's smoking it that works best, not vaping, edibles, or oils.  I accept that this is a temporary medicine, I don't buy that I will be needing it for more than a period of time, and I am not even feeling bad as a set of lungs.  I try not to overdo it, because it is a toxin, I have consulted a friend who studies it as a career scientist, and she does not think I am doing too much, considering it's therapeutic.  What I am trying to do is break through a barrier in my mind where I feel unsatisfied with my state, and it seems to be coming forward much quicker with THC marijuana.

CBD did not seem like the right medicine, I needed something that worked with my mind a certain way.  There have been times I have felt funny doing it, I don't really feel "high" doing it, but I am feeling long term results.  It's almost like it's "shamanic" medicine to me, and I need to do it.  Life feels more at ease, tasks are easier, and I feel more like my old self again, only wiser.

Also nice is getting back into art again, and marijuana probably had a hand in that as well.  Again, I feel like I will give it up when I no longer need it therapeutically, and I accept that there are toxins involved, but the results seem worth it.  My health is better in other ways, and I think the important thing is that I focus on trying as much as I can, with everything, as often as I can.

I continue to try to do floor exercises more often, daily if possible, sometimes several times a day, because my main exercise was just taking long walks, but I was really starting to feel stiff.  I will be pretty proud if I can keep it up (considering I have 3 placements in Taurus), but it might be easier now that I have lost some weight.

-Saraƒin

New illustration: "Alice, Encountering Aslan..."

 This is actually an old penciled piece that I had never painted, from several years back, long before the pandemic happened.  I had a mystical book club at the Metropolitan United Church, while my friend was still working there as a minister, I had sketched this as a piece I wanted to do just to have art for a Facebook group.  But the club disbanded, became the online Rosary Society, and is now something completely different.  Yesterday, I started working on the paints, and today, I finished it.

This one is kind of obvious - combining "Alice in Wonderland" with "The Chronicles of Narnia" - the theme is about falling down the rabbit hole, searching for the Self, and encountering God.  Alice is the seeker, the candlelight suggests light in the darkness, and Aslan is God.  The reflection of Alice in the mirror is the illusion we carry about ourselves, while the figure of Aslan is the truth within.

It's too bad the frame is poking through this one a bit - still, I am hoping I can sell it sometime, I may ask for $250.00 - acrylics and paint pens on canvas, 11 x 14 ".

-Saraƒin