Thursday, 30 April 2020

My 38th birthday...

Yesterday was my 38th birthday - it's shocking to see the decade of my 30s come so close to its end... I feel like I accomplished a lot as a soul, but apart from completing my comic series, very little in the material world.  It was a rather dry time in many ways, a lot of solitude, but after the hell that was my 20s, it's probably what I needed.  My 30th year wasn't very good by the fall, but after that things improved.  I hope my 40s are much more interesting.

The day started out yesterday with a spiritual visitation from the soul of my late father, who wasn't even aware it was my birthday - I am not sure how spirits experience time in their plane, but it was good timing, and he stayed for a couple of hours with me.  Same old Dad, complaining about the Ladytron album I was playing, but he at least enjoyed the latest Pet Shop Boys when I put that on.  My mediumistic abilities don't allow me to visually see the spirit of a person, but I can pick up on personality traits, a sense of presence, plus emotional reactions.  When my teacher friend has come by to visit, I pick up on his loveable gruffness immediately.  He remarks that I am both stranger and more interesting than he knew me to be in life, that he gets a real charge out of it.

I also received a delightful piece of fan mail about "Asylum Squad", along with a great number of birthday wishes.  I had gone to the grocery store for a small cheesecake for my online Zoom party, but the bakery was shut due to COVID-19, so I settled for a frozen cake, which didn't thaw out until today... so I will enjoy cheesecake today instead.  The Zoom party lasted almost 4 hours, and we had a good time playing online party games.  Probably one of the strangest parties I have had for my birthday, due to the circumstances, but it was still enjoyable, in the end... my bandwidth didn't crap out.

I still feel weary after my psychospiritual struggles, and am hoping it's not a sign of age - but I don't know many 38 year olds who feel like 70 year olds quite like I do.  I regularly get blood tests, and none show any physical problems, so it must be pranic and emotional pain.  I am hoping that with prayer, healing techniques and time, I will see a second wind come my way, and feel at least a little bit younger again.  I don't even have enough energy to commit to serious exercise - I do long walks and some exercise bike, but it's still a struggle.  Diet is pretty good, at least.  Being possessed takes its toll, it's a rare problem, I imagine it's all about waiting for the soul to rejuvenate again.

I have gone from being slightly stressed on and off about COVID-19 quarantine and downtime to taking delight in it.  Framing staying in as much as possible as something positive for the community, instead of perceiving it as a drag, means I don't feel strange about "wasted time".  I got some news I could be back at work as early as the summer, and my finances are balanced.  Every Sunday we have an online rosary prayer group where we dedicate our intentions to all those affected by the virus - it is sad to consider how many people have suffered from this, but important to remain confident and free of fear, at the same time.


Wednesday, 29 April 2020

Suffering: Good for the psyche! (More on this idea...)

Suffering is something I have previously discussed as a means of personal refinement, but perhaps I should expand a little more on these ideas:

I have to admit, I still haven't completed my copy of St. John of the Cross' "Dark Night of the Soul" - a great read, but I just have a bad habit of always having a pile of half completed books at my side, because another book will always come along that will grab my interest, and then the last book is forgotten about for a while.  But the concept of the "Dark Night" is something I also read about thoroughly in Evelyn Underhill's "Mysticism: A Study in the Nature and Development of Spiritual Consciousness", a book I went on to complete.  Suffering seems universal to psychological/spiritual transformation, and we shouldn't be afraid of it when it inevitably comes into our lives.  The trick is - how are we to cope with it, and how do we channel it for betterment?  Suffering is a strange teacher that can be fundamental to refinement, something that many groups understand, including Catholic mystics, Buddhists, indigenous societies... yet modern western society has a desire to avoid it entirely.  What I'm going to touch in this article relates more to what I have learned of what it can do for one's psychology.

I have stated that the modern westerner suffers greatly in some ways because in the pursuit of comfort and luxury, to avoid inevitable suffering, they forget how to suffer well, and so in the end, they suffer even moreso when it eventually enters into their lives.  I have wondered about the idea that mental illness is more prevalent in the west - this is something that is statistically very true, I don't have the stats on hand, but have read time and time again that societies with structure based heavily on tradition, culture, and community often have stronger, psychologically healthier members overall, at least per capita, than in the west.  So, if certain parts of the west are as sophisticated as they are, with their brain sciences, luxuries, and social advantages, why is this the case?  One thing I have concluded is that western minds, due to the way we are expected to live, are not allowed to break down to be built up again properly, refining one's personality, so the mind doesn't find the resilience it needs to adapt to the stresses of life.  Some find it, but it may mean a certain kind of lifestyle that the west doesn't support yet for the masses.  When a mind begins to turn, as I suspect it probably needs to in some ways for personal refinement, it is often not allowed to follow through and move beyond this stage, because it becomes slotted as a diseased mind, and we treat it like a disorder, rather than an opportunity for growth.  This has been the model of sanity we have worked with - preserving what has been, rather than allowing a break from reality, only to work through it, and return to the world with a stronger personality, and a better sense of our real selves.  If only our society was structured to serve humanity more than it serves corporations - we might rethink the way we perceive "mental illness", and more people would find methods of eventually finding a way to move beyond meds and unhelpful psychological patterns.  The west keeps us imprisoned in our psychiatric pain because it frames it incorrectly, for the sake of getting us back to being productive citizens again, as quickly as possible.  It's fast food medicine.

Although I cannot name any specific indigenous communities off the top of my head, there are many who use certain rites of passage in their younger members, including scarification, walkabouts in the wilderness, vision quests, and fasting, to achieve altered states that work with them as teachers of the soul.  I had a kind of crisis of sorts - a westerner going through this in her mid 20s, complicated by an entity, but in the end, once I got the upper hand, the experiences refined me in many ways, and I continue to refine.  Catholics have historically used flagellation (although even St. John of the Cross called out flagellants as masochists, something that made me laugh a little bit), the Buddha tried starving himself.  It seems, however, that often this kind of self inflicted suffering is not even necessary - suffering will come your way, in whatever form, if you are a dedicated seeker, to be your teacher.

So that's great, Sister Penance, you may think - how do I deal with this, especially if I live in the west?  Well, one thing that I'm sure you'd expect me to say (and you are correct in doing so) is firsthand, you need a dedicated spiritual practice, one that suits your ways of navigating the world.  Being a cerebral person, contemplation was something I found suited me as a method, so a Christian path was a good bet for me, based on this and prayer.  Someone else would be better suited to a more physical path, with a form of yoga that suits them best.  It can depend on a person's cultural upbringing, but also, it can depend on the needs of the soul.  Whatever your practice, it should serve you to help process the pain, and find ways to adapt to it.

Also - you might have to adjust your lifestyle, like it or not, to embark on this, if the doors open to you.  A simpler way of living, strict dedication, changes in attitude, conduct, and lifestyle choices, may be absolutely necessary.  A 9:00-5:00 routine may just not be feasible anymore.  This may seem like a drag if your goals in life were material, but once you are well along the way, your riches in spirit and psychological renewal will far outweigh the alternative, and you will leave this plane with a finer version of yourself - something that is eternal.  Money, no matter who you are, is a loan... your body is also a loan.  Spiritual riches are yours for the taking, and they last forever, so keep that in mind when in doubt, when concerned about the direction your life is taking, if you have to be The Hermit for a while.

And, if things get too out of hand, remember that there is no shame in using some form of conventional method to weather the storm, like a medication or therapy.  But it's important to keep in mind that most psychiatrists are trained to perpetuate outdated myths of the mind, and about what to expect from a psychological problem, as far as overcoming it.  So take what they say with a grain of salt, unless you find someone special to work with.  Kind of like how I take what Catholic priests say with a grain of salt when I go to mass to enjoy the presence of the Spirit!


Monday, 27 April 2020

Working spiritually with Freudian psychology...

I haven't studied Freud very much, I am not that excited about many of his ideas, but I decided to consider his model of the psyche a bit more in my prayers today, for psychospiritual evolution.  Using my tarot and channeling method, I decided to break down what Spirit had to say about various components of the Freudian model.  (Although I realize how all these components are normally not to be broken down into fragments, as I seem to be doing with levels of consciousness, I find for the sake of prayer work it's good to treat them as such, for experimentation, to see what results come of experimenting with them in this way, rather like how a yogi might do the same with the Indian chakra system.  When I break it down in this mechanical way and use prayer to modify things, I can then re-examine the whole of the psyche as the results unfold.  It is a tool, not an understanding.)

Considering the Id, Ego and Superego - interesting descriptions of these three components of my mind come through channel.  First, through strict spiritual commitment, I have refined the Ego a great deal, and it is a much finer, wiser version of what it once was - the card I drew was The Hermit, in this case.  The Superego, once stern with me, is now more like a fun nanny - in some ways, she is a built-in Mary Poppins who is encouraging me along the way, as opposed to the Miss Trunchbull I once had that was not impressed.  I pulled the Queen of Swords, but got that it's a gentle version of her that is protective.  I suspect the demon, at one point, made my Superego even harder on me than usual, but prayers to Metatron have eased things in that regard.  (If you're wondering where my austerity comes from, I'd say that's a role I am experimenting with - it's more persona than anything else, it's not from the Superego.)

The Id is my current problem.  What's interesting is that I got through channel that it was time to shed it entirely, because the Id, as it stands, is rather like this flustered cockatoo:

This bird's name should be Popeye, because it curses like a sailor.

The demon drove my Id fucking crazy, as did unresolved injustice from many negative events in my life, and I'm getting that there's no need to hold onto it anymore.  The Id's current state means a strain on the Ego, making the Ego weary and exhausted.  Having not studied Freud much, as I have said, I am not even sure if the Id can be shed completely, but it's an experiment, so I prayed to Metatron to shed it.  I can't find much information on doing this, when I look it up.  I'll have to ask my analyst about this, as a concept.  Makes me wonder if, when Id goes really off, it's time that it be removed, that it's a sign it needs to go.

I did a bit of reading on the Id, and realized that what most LaVeyan satanists are actually doing is revelling in Id moreso than exploring Ego, which seems counterintuitive to me in the pursuit of refinement.  Yawn.

I'm coming to understand that studying psychology might be even more useful, in some ways, as consideration for prayer, than a lot of other things I have been trying.  Updates to come, if this getting rid of the Id thing proves to be successful.


Saturday, 25 April 2020

Advice for finer esoteric practice (regardless of what it is)...

Thought I would create an article about some of the fundamentals I have found that have helped me with my own practice, that I perceive as universally useful, no matter what sources one is working with, or what methods.  Here is my list of advice:

- Tobacco, tobacco, tobacco.  Use tobacco for prayer and invocation.  Throw a pinch of some on a lit charcoal if you can't do tobacco ties on a hibachi in the backyard.  Utter your prayers as you do so.  Tobacco is excellent for prayer and development, and is especially good for invocation to a source that would work with you that might otherwise be a challenge to invoke.  Take note of any feelings you have in your soul when working with it.  (I also use prayer pipe sometimes but I do not advise this be done all the time due to the risk of abuse.  This works well for certain prayers that directly involve the soul - don't inhale!)  If you are in Toronto, "House of Energy" in Kensington Market sells ceremonial tobacco bags for a good price.

- Pray to have greater success with your prayers and invocations.  Pray to be better at contemplation, meditation, or other practices.  Pray to be able to give blessings, and that they be more effective.  Pray to ground your mind in the Manipura region.  Pray for mindfulness to be your base psychological state, pray that the ego serve the self, pray for higher intelligence and wisdom.  Pray for whatever you feel your mind needs for what you want to evolve in yourself psychologically.  Consider the structure of the psyche and work with prayer to evolve that.  Pray to do better with shadow work.  Consider building yourself up with as much prayer as possible... consider everything and pray for anything.  Experiment and see what sources you have invoked work best for what kinds of prayer.  (I find that St. Jude is good for getting help from higher sources, Metatron is great for psychology, and the Virgin Mary is great for emotional wellness, to name some examples.)

- Consider angels and experiment with which would suit your needs best.  (Though I have worked with others, my go to is Metatron.)  When you are grounded spiritually, angels are safe and willing to help if they are right for you.  Once you feel a specific angel is working with you, consider this one of the finest sources you can work with for personal development.  Pay attention to what you feel when attempting to work with one.  Again, tobacco is a good method to use for invocation of angels.  You may also be able to invoke angels through another source you have already invoked and are working with, such as a saint.

- Experiment with methods, and see where that takes you.  Though I work with a folk style Christian path, I also take on Native American plant medicine, have opened to Akasha, and experiment with Indian spirituality and ideas as well.  Bending the rules here and there from a particular path can sometimes lead to marvelous results.

- Make sure your mind is sound before you try to involve yourself with psychic opening.  The mind may have to go to an odd place before it can achieve higher states.  Know that if it does, you are not crazy, you are changing.  If it gets really odd, don't be afraid to take a medication if it's necessary, but be hopeful that it's possible to move on.  (I find Latuda has been the best antipsychotic for me as far as having little to no side effects - others caused severe exhaustion and weight gain, like Seroquel and any from that generation.)

- To know the difference between a sign and a coincidental experience, know that a sign moves you in some way that coincidence does not.  Perhaps this is a feeling that comes over you of importance.  Do not overanalyze, but consider it a nod from the Spirit.  Common signs include 11:11 on a clock, and animal behaviour in nature, if it catches your attention.

- Consistency in practice is important, just like exercise, or taking up a musical instrument.  Try to commit to at least a little bit each day, and see where it takes you.  If you get really involved, you may suddenly find old interests boring.

- Be patient with psychic sight, and understand you have to conquer psychological pain to achieve it.  Consider Jungian analysis an excellent method for confronting shadow work.  Know that it can take many years of commitment, but with the right therapist it's well worth it.

- Plant medicines like smudge work well if there is a need for them to do so, otherwise they won't do much of anything.  They won't backfire on you, unless they are something you ingest that could cause damage or a psychological response that complicates things.  Do not rely on entheogens to evolve yourself... they are dangerous if misused.  Try to rely on a more sober practice for evolution, and only do entheogens with the right help and level of respect.

- Do not concern yourself too much with obtaining a massive array of ritualistic items - the power comes from working with the Spirit, mostly.  Some items can have talismanic properties when Spirit is directly involved in working with them, but that is only when there is a specific need for something to work as a talisman.  Otherwise, it's just an object.  But, if the objects help to get you into a certain psychological headspace, more power to you.  I do this a bit myself, it's fun.  :)

That's all I can think for now... this may be yet another article I add to later, if other pieces of advice I could give come to mind.


UPDATE: Another piece of advice - for true power in your practice, you require a balance of the sacred masculine and the sacred feminine, and they must dwell in you actively and work through you for powerful results.  In my case, this is mostly with Jesus and Mary.  Though I reach out to various components of both the sacred masculine and the sacred feminine (including gods and goddesses of other religions), it is Jesus who dwells in me because of the path I am on... I am working to balance with Mary now.  Any path that polarizes too much to one side is going to be limited, and any path that doesn't allow these powers to work through you as indwelling spiritual components will have its limitations as well.  Christianity, for example, is limited if it does not include Mary.  (It is my belief that the corruption in Divinity, what Christians call Satan, is what made humanity polarize towards the sacred masculine, ignoring the Goddess, becoming patriarchal.  Satan made masculinity insane and abusive.)

Why I don't feel like putting myself out there anymore...

For the past couple of years, I have felt a desire to cease promotion of myself as an artist.  This really got strong after my Dad died, and has remained intact since then, perhaps even stronger now at this point.  I completed "Asylum Squad", which was not so much bittersweet as it was a relief, as I was getting sick of working on it anyway.  I got the final book into the printers recently, but then COVID-19 took hold of us all, and I have no idea when the book will be printed.  This is a bit of a drag, but in a way I just don't care.  I am a has-been as artists go, as far as I can tell - no one is talking about me anymore, no one approaches me about projects.  My art career, if it ever was, is dead, and I am not sure if it can or will be revived.  Feeling the need to still create something, I blog on here and occasionally do some silly painting, but I feel gross about promoting myself.  I find it tacky and counterintuitive to enlightenment.  I should be distancing myself from grandiose self promotion, not engaging that kind of thing if I truly desire to leave this world behind, never to return.  That is the idea I have right now, anyway.  I don't want to ever come back to this place.

So, part of me feels self promotion could harm my chances at higher levels of psychospiritual evolution, but I am also fearful of ridicule, taking on the Sister Penance persona, and disputing common psychological ideas, claiming I fought a demon.  Enough morons out there would probably love to hurt me somehow - I know of enough women creatives online who have been harassed by malicious people who didn't like what they had to say.  I will continue to create these articles and express how I feel, but I won't promote them.  My traffic on here is low, and maybe it's for the best that it remain that way, for my personal safety and humility.  The internet can be a terrifying place for women.

I am not sure if abuse has led me to conclude these ideas, or if they genuinely make sense.  I am still rather frail in some ways, from legal, psychiatric, sexual, spiritual, and psychological humiliations and abuse, and am trying to feel my way back to optimum health.  I suspect society (even though this doesn't make sense) has zero respect for me, and that this can't be remedied, unless by some miracle I became loaded financially.  I am too exhausted to make another major project, and I don't expect the world to even care.  I try my best to remind myself that my immediate relations are all healthy, and not to see society as some strange oppressive entity that judges me because of the past.  But the past still haunts me, I still feel the shame of the court room, of the psychiatric unit, and I don't know how to fully move on.  I assume that I am undesirable in many respects, and I can never know emotional relief from all traumas.  Still, I press on and try the best I can to transcend feeling anything for any of what happened.  I am hoping my form of asceticism means that I can transcend the ingrained western desire for material achievement, and find peace in having nothing.  If I achieve this, I will desire nothing, I will find riches wealth could not provide for me, I will be fine regardless of outcome.  And hopefully, I will never return here again.  The world is strict with me, so I will be stricter.

My problems are not psychosis - they are weariness from abuse, and a broken heart.  I am not sure how to heal from all, but I am not giving up.  My 20s were horror, my 30s were dull - as I approach 40, I don't know what to expect, but I hope to know some degree of liberation from this sadness I have had to learn to live with.


UPDATE:  I suppose some of this austerity I inflict upon myself is a result of institutionalization, and its effect on my self worth.  After this, a year in CAMH, and many other hospitalizations both before and after that time, I feel valueless in society, my dreams have died, I don't expect to succeed in the art world, and I don't have any completed college or university training, nor do I feel like I could bring myself to pursue any - and if I did, it wouldn't mean much anyway, no one is getting hired, and I'm a 37 year old without as little as a BA.  Becoming a nun was one option, but even the Spirit told me it's not meant to be - I love God, but not as a spouse... rather, as a parental figure.  So I sit with my tarot cards and attempt to refine myself, not sure of what else to do.  Spirit says my future is bright, but I am just not so sure.  One thing is for certain - I wasn't meant to be who I thought I was.  (If you think I'm too stern with myself, remember that even Buddha had a starvation period to try and achieve enlightenment, so understand that seekers try many things to get it right.)

Thursday, 23 April 2020

Quarantine: A perfect opportunity to become a seeker...

The upside of a pandemic: an excuse to dress like THIS!
A lot of people are talking about this right now, and it's true - though quarantine can be a bitch, in another way, it's a beautiful opportunity for the busy westerner to settle themselves and learn to look inward, to see who they really are, confront their shadows, and find joy in simplicity.  I have been doing this myself for almost 14 years, so this lockdown stuff is not a big deal to me.  The only thing I really miss is shared human company, like having friends over for wine, cheese, and board games.  Online Zoom meetings are ok, but it's just not the same as real life.  But, the friends are still there to chat - there was a time in my life that was much lonelier, when people either backed away or cut me off entirely because of the sufferings in my life, and how they affected my relations to others.  In a way, this is like an extended staycation to me - I got my CERB and things seem to be balanced for me financially.  I just have to lay low, not spend too much, and concentrate further on my soul, as always.  (I joke that, being a Taurus, I am built for quarantine, because I like lying around, eating comfort food, and having the same predictable daily routine - Tauruses like repetition.)

I think I saw both David Lynch and Eckhart Tolle mention how marvelous this time is for going inward and getting in touch with one's own nature - many people have remarked on this.  It seems like this is not just about a virus, but a mass awakening the planet is experiencing.  Haven't been able to take up a contemplative method or meditation routine?  Now's your chance - some may never get the opportunity to jump start this again, depending on what their future holds.  Humans who have overly busy minds should seize this opportunity as a means of learning how to seek the self, and discover the joys of a simpler way of being.  The capitalist west has been a difficult place to dedicate oneself to living as a sincere seeker, so here's a chance to see what that's like.  Nature is showing us the way - let's listen to Her.

I've had a few annoying days where the loneliness was kicking in, but all in all, I have grown used to the new routine.  As long as my CERB keeps getting topped up and I maintain a steady equilibrium, I'm going to be ok.  My concern is for small businesses and people who are not in as fortunate a balance as I am.  Though I am not exactly financially well off, I am at the right level of "poverty" where supports flow, I have no debt, and I can find avenues to navigate times like this - someone who relies on a family business could be in trouble.  I do hope the government learns from all of this, both on federal and provincial levels - it would be nice to come out of this with the strong possibility of universal basic income.  If push comes to shove, it may be the only option to maintain a homeostasis in society in some ways.  Sometimes it takes a need, like a crisis, to forge something ahead.


UPDATE: This article came up on my Facebook feed, which relates to what I discuss in this blog post:  We're All Monks Now

Monday, 20 April 2020

Prayers to Metatron for the preconscious...

Working with Metatron, I have been able to heal a lot in my psyche that went off due to spirit possession.  I considered, from memory, what I recalled from Jung and Freud about the structure of the mind, and worked with this angel to heal the facets that were very ill.  But things have still been a bit whack-a-doodle, where the active imagination imagery, when it happens, comes out chaotic, I feel a strange anxiety that comes out of nowhere at night, there's nervous tension, among other things.  Meds have done nothing to remove this, they just tone it down, and though it's 90% better than it was at one point (at least), there's still a kind of residue.  Reading with channel and tarot, the Spirit told me there's another part of the psyche to consider for healing, but couldn't name the component, due to the limitations of my current level of psychic sight.  So, I loaded up graphics of the structure of the psyche on Google images, and considered a component I had forgotten about - the preconscious.  Now, with prayers to Metatron again, I am hoping to see a new change.

The active imagination was something I wasn't sure was to be something I held onto, or if it's meant to be bypassed with psychospiritual development.  When it functioned well, it was lush and beautiful, like having an entertainment console in my psyche.  But the demon warped it and then it was a static mess and it never seemed to bounce back entirely, even with his destruction.  So something must have still been off with the structure of the psyche.  I guess I should once again concentrate on psychology to improve on this.  The unconscious and the conscious both seem quite healthy right now, I relate well to the world around me again, but perhaps the threshold between the two was strange.  I'll need to do more studies on the preconscious to figure things out.

I actually wouldn't mind having active imagination back in full swing again, despite how distracting it was at times.  Perhaps there's a way to train the mind to turn it on and off for enjoyment, so that I can navigate the world, when I need to, without it, and enjoy it fully when I have downtime.  Some of the wildest, funniest visions have come of playing around with it - mostly cartoons, and I would laugh so hard I would cry my eyes out.  It's a shame I don't know animation, because I would make some of the most unbelievable cartoons based on what I perceived.  One of my favourite things to do was to throw on some music with my headphones on and concentrate on the active imagination, generating lush music videos that danced with the sounds.  One example of this was listening to the Gremlins theme song and visualizing a line of house cats dancing to it (I imagine it's the kind of music a cat would create if it learned how to work with synthesizers).  This has got to be fixed, if it is meant to be a function of my psyche, so I can enjoy this kind of thing again.

I do hope to get completely off antipsychotics one day - consciousness on them is a soundtrack in mono played through dollar store headphones.

"Gremlins Theme Song"


UPDATE: A new message through channel suggested that Spirit afflicted me with a kind of "protective madness" to help confuse my mind so much the demon couldn't seize total control of me - it became an oppressive influence, but taking an antipsychotic allowed for control of my senses.  I am not aware of everything yet, clearly, but I guess that makes sense.  The channel went on to say that now that the field is gone, the strange state I have been in shall lift.  Time will tell, and I will keep praying and blogging my observations.

Sunday, 19 April 2020

The limitations of conventional understandings of sanity...

I thought it was time to explore this topic a bit more, with ideas I'm having about the western construct of sanity.  As someone going beyond conventional sanity to a kind of "super sanity" right now, I am in a bit of an awkward in-between stage where sometimes I may seem a little bit mad if I don't nail an understanding of things very well... at least, I might appear that way to conventional thinking minds.  I tend to recant what I concluded before as I consider other possibilities, sometimes repeatedly.  Part of this is the spiritual malaise affecting my psyche, but also it's what being a seeker is all about.  I approach things with play and humility while I work on myself knowing there will be days when I am not so sure.

Last time I checked, the statistic was something like 1 in 4 Canadians being affected with some form of mental illness.  I am finding this a little bit hard to swallow from a literal, clinical standpoint, knowing what I know of the resilience of the human spirit and the brilliance of the human mind.  Perhaps 1 in 4 identifies with a psychiatric construct, or has been labelled with one, but it's so easy to be slotted into something in the DSM 5 that it wouldn't surprise me if many of these diagnoses were dolled out just to get people medical treatment, and have no basis in any other reality.  You sinners know how I feel about the mind - it's ultimately a construct, and therefore, more malleable that we are being peddled by mainstream understanding.  That in mind, it's not easy to shape the psyche to meet the standards we seek if certain needs are not met in life, and without the right course of treatment.  Some people find comfort in psychiatric labels... I think they're toxic, but to each their own.  I look to only adopt labels that serve a positive purpose in my life, anything else is just a bad pattern that I choose to observe but not identify with, because identifying with it too heavily makes it more powerful in my psyche, and thus harder to defeat.  I find this especially true for the personality disorders.  I used to be kind of antipsychiatry, but now I am just very critical of it, and wish it could be drastically transformed, and I also wish to see spirituality discussed and utilized more in it.  Hence, why I am in Jungian analysis.

The standard idea of what it means to be sane doesn't seem to be working anymore in the world we live in.  Part of why western minds, I think, are so miserable, is due to a collective malaise the westerner is feeling about colonialism and its impact on the world around us... it's a sort of guilt and anxiety about seeing the wear and tear in what western pursuits have inflicted upon other societies.  The current system does not nurture the soul much at all, and in many ways that it attempts to it falls flat due to the nature of our current lifestyle.  From an early age, schoolchildren are taught to conform to a certain ideal of what it means to be a functioning, mature, compliant citizen... and yet, schools are not listening to the needs of the children themselves much at all.  I feel, as it stands, that schools are factories that produce productive, hard working neurotics, but they don't teach wisdom and how to unlock self knowledge.  As I still my mind more and more, I come to realize how toxic the idea of thinking too much is for human psychology.  Yet, that is considered a sign of higher intelligence in this part of the world.  Stilling the mind actually is what we should aspire for to achieve finer ideas - the ideas will simply pop into our minds from the unconscious, we need not dig for them too much, once the mind is settled.  But the west has been consumed with a certain idea of what the mind is, and it's not really serving us collectively anymore.  People are breaking down from the way things are, and we don't have the social supports to move people beyond a certain level of psychological maintenance when they get unwell, so we give them a pill, perhaps some cognitive behavioural therapy, and imply that full recovery might never be possible, but hang in there, kiddo.

There is great dissatisfaction with the way things are, and now, with mass quarantine upon us, many with busy minds find it hard to settle in their rooms and be still, not having been taught stillness in school, or society in general.  Thought is a poison when it is excessive, and I think it's important as a society that we re-examine what sanity should look like, and how we are to achieve that.  I think there is some kind of collective transformation upon us, I believe nature is going to steer us in the right direction, and maybe even this western guilt is needed so as to ultimately help with the change in the status quo.  Sometimes things need to become chaotic before order can be implemented.  That was certainly true for my mind, I believe it to be true for other things as well.

I also think the romanticization of mental illness, a popular trope which I understand the appeal of and yet am also so bored with, is popular right now because a lot of people feel they can identify with it in some way, a lot of people feeling out of sorts about the world.  People love a mad genius, perhaps being mentally ill themselves suggests they too are in some ways brilliant.  I believe that all people ultimately are, but madness isn't what makes the genius, and I don't think much of the old cliche of creativity and madness being intertwined.  I have too often been slotted as a mentally ill creative, and I so wish to shed this old image of myself.  I want to be seen as a creative, period, not a mentally ill one.  Plenty of Mad Pride creatives I know write, sing, or produce art based on lived experience, and often get slotted in this kind of tropey way by the press, which many feel stereotyped by.  It's a kind of pornography, almost like inspiration porn, that dehumanizes the artist, and I don't think most people get how it feels unless they have been presented this way to the public.  Now, I aspire to be so unbelievably sane as a mind that no one calls me "the schizophrenic cartoonist" ever again, and yet, it's out there on the web... great.  It's so boring how one label that one bad doctor gave me one time after a brief chat means more to describe me, in some ways, to some people, than anything I have to say about myself.  These are the feelings psychiatric survivors often have when they want to promote themselves and the press gets it wrong.


UPDATE: Just a quick mention of something else I should have included in this article - discussion of the enteric nervous system (or ENS).  There is a second brain in your stomach area (in spiritual terms, it is affiliated with the Manipura chakra) that sciences are only now starting to consider more for mental health, that Daoists knew about already.  This brain, when it is performing as the dominant centre of consciousness, means finer mental health overall.  The problem in the west is that sciences have considered the brain of the central nervous system (CNS) to be the dominant centre of consciousness, which has led to misuse in its approach, leading to various forms of mental illness due to being overtaxed.  When consciousness is centered and dominant in the ENS, it is relaxed in the CNS, and the CNS performs much better.  The neocortex and the limbic system become calm.  Practices like Tai Chi, yoga, meditation, or even prayer and contemplation based methods such as my own can center consciousness in the ENS - hell, I have been working with Metatron to get it that way for myself.  People need to discover the right practice suitable for the way they relate to the world, perceive, and think.  This is why I feel spirituality is integral to proper mental health, and needs to be discussed more in psychiatry.  Until western medicine starts to embrace the importance of the soul and how it relates to the organs, there will be holes in its methods.

Saturday, 18 April 2020

"Lisa, me dilacerat!"

I might tackle minor details here and there if I get the urge again, but here's the finished St. Wiseau painting, as it stands.  Because I haven't kept up a painting momentum in a while, I feel this piece is lacking somehow, and I don't even know how.  I don't think I captured him perfectly, but it's kind of a kitschy piece so I guess it works well enough.  I have decided, as one would expect, that St. Wiseau is the Patron Saint of bad movies.  Students of film can pray to him to avoid making similar mistakes in their own movies, or perhaps pray that if their films end up being terrible, they can at least become a cult indie hit.  (I tried to get my analyst into "The Room", but he couldn't even get through half of it.  I was hoping we could analyze Tommy's psychology a bit through studying the film's symbolism, like the tossing of the football, which I think is his idea of male bonding, but also a way of trying to convince the audience that he's "all American".  My analyst said: "Sometimes it's just a really bad movie, and that's it".)

Maybe this could be a part of my "Holy Blasphemy!" series... canonizing unlikely people on canvas.  I was considering R Kelly but that might be pushing it because he's a total fucking pervert.  I'll have to keep thinking about it.  ("Trapped In The Closet" is still trash gold, though.)

Wondering what else to paint in general.  Thinking I might do one of a blue collar lolita girl, with a Teamsters style My Little Pony jacket.  I was into lolita for a while when I was in serious spiritual pain and trying to play with Harajuku fashion to have some fun, still have outfits from those days, but I found the crowd into it insufferable.  Privileged, boring, young rich white girls who discuss nothing but brands.  I was the long in the tooth one who worked a low brow job and could only afford low brow stuff, compared to them.  Screw that.  So I want to paint a crusty lolita girl smoking pink cigarettes, donning a blue collar union bomber, and looking like a kawaii culture outcast.  I am bored with countercultural things that seem based strictly on image.  I like punk because it's timeless, and often has something to say.  Goth done right is nice, too.  Although I like the look of it, I see nothing truly punk about Steampunk.  It should be renamed "Steamgeek", since it's based a lot on fantasy stuff.

Time to crack open a brewski and figure out the rest of my day, now that this beast is finished.  Maybe I can sell it to someone desperate.


Friday, 17 April 2020

Sister Penance's advice for finer psychological well being (as channeled from the Spirit)...

Thought I would ask the Spirit for advice to give western minds on how to better navigate this world, and achieve finer mental health.  Here are some pieces of advice I received:

- Understand that your brain is not real, and the soul is the only part of you that actually is.  As you come to understand this, know that it is up to the mind to surrender its authority to the soul. Adopt a healthy spiritual practice so as to do so.  This allows you to be guided properly throughout this life.  The ego makes a great servant, but a terrible master.

- Your psychological pain is valid, but you are not your body, and you must distance yourself from the idea that any pathological state cannot be changed.  As you come to learn the lessons of your life's journey, this will lessen the pain you feel throughout lifetimes to come.

- Be patient with your life, it is not necessarily meant to go in the direction you expect it to.  It is meant to be something you learn from.  Listen to what others tell you, but don't overanalyze their words.  What they say to you should be taken at face value as a means to gauge what the Spirit is telling you about your progress as a soul.

- Perceive yourself as a process unfolding, none are aware of what it ultimately amounts to.  Be patient with the results, and know that you are on the right track.  Don't be afraid to come back again and again as a body to get it right.

- Be patient with psychological well being, and realize your brain is generating only a fraction of your consciousness in your current form.  All people are geniuses, but some are more realized than others.  Don't consider yourself inferior to anyone, and know it is up to you to realize your power.

- Don't consider psychology something that will ever be fully understood by mankind, and know that in this age our understanding of it is extremely poor.  Humans, as a species, like to observe the world as a story, and at the moment, they may be reading the wrong book.  Be at peace that we won't ever understand everything, and enjoy the play as it unfolds.

I might add more bits of advice as I channel them, or perhaps do another separate post sometime.  My anxiety has lessened dramatically since I became aware that my body isn't real.  Right now I am trying to ground my mind in Manipura (the navel centre), to feel more still, and have seen some positive results.  I am so bored with western medicine's take on mental health that I have no patience for most advice psychiatrists give... diet and exercise are important of course, but the soul is the only part of us that is actually real, and it is critical that it be cared for appropriately.  Too bad the west doesn't get it yet.


Thursday, 16 April 2020

Asexuality and my spirituality...

I had a phone session today with my analyst where I finally used my psychic technique to interpret insight about my unconscious, where my ego conscious might be stumped.  It proved to be a useful tool for therapy, and now he thinks we should keep resorting to it as a means of getting to the bottom of psychological quirks and conflicts, for added insight.  Some of the things that came of the readings were quite rich in detail, and I was glad he agreed we should keep trying it out.

One thing that I finally read about psychically was my asexuality, and why I came into this world with that as my orientation.  The answer was that I am an ancient soul who has explored sex to death throughout the ages, and see no further reason to continue doing so, having no need for it, not wanting to produce a child in this lifetime.  Alternative lifestyle stuff fascinates me, but I do not associate it with sex, it's like a fun thing for the mind to consider, but that's as close as I get to any of it.  I'm quite asexual, even for that crowd.

Growing up, I always found sex extremely basic, silly, and was mildly offended by people assuming that one day something would just click and I would suddenly change my mind, implying that I didn't know myself well enough in this regard.  I dislike the culture of sex, finding it seedy when low brow, pretentious when "tastefully done".  I am a major prude, but I have learned to watch myself around my more allosexual friends, so as not to seem like a total killjoy.  I have also regarded sex, on the receiving end, as a violation of my body, a total chore at best.  Let's just say that between having sex and scrubbing the toilet, I'm more excited about buying Toilet Duck than I am about buying sex toys and condoms.  Sex stores are fun to go in and laugh at what oddities are available for sale... some of the clothes are cool in a silly way, but that's it.  As sappy as this sounds, I find fits of laughter much more intimate and passionate than sexuality.  God, I'm such a nun.

You might think that being a rape victim was especially hard for me, being asexual, but in a way, I think being Ace made it less traumatic than it could have been.  Since sex is not important to me at all, I was able to shut my mind off from the act, see it as an offensive violation that came and went, left no physical repercussions, and I moved on.  Either I am stone cold, or being Ace has its advantages in ways that most people probably don't even realize.

I think I radiate a "don't you dare hit on me" vibe that sensible men pick up on, and that's why I am not hit on by many.  Obtuse guys either aren't sensitive enough to sense it, or they ignore it and proceed to say or do something lecherous, until I shut them down firmly with words so strange it makes bad men flaccid faster than you can say prostate cancer.  I am bored with what average masculinity has become, and it seems I attract the worst quality men out there.  Other asexuals, some of whom are particularly attractive, report that they are not often hit on either, no matter how they dress... so maybe there's a subtle vibe Aces give off that others sense, and allosexuals just know that it's not going to lead to anything.

I'm kind of glad that with COVID-19, PDAs (public displays of affection) are illegal now.  When a passionate kissing scene happens in a movie, I have to look away as if it was surgery.  One Ace friend and I love to emit the saxophone riff from George Michael's "Careless Whisper" whenever we see a nearby couple being smoochy.  I never got the appeal of tongue kissing either.  (I'm a robot.)

George Michael - "Careless Whisper" ... (I don't get it.)


Tuesday, 14 April 2020

Some eerie goodness...

All planet sounds from space (in the solar system)

This showed up on my Facebook feed, and I felt like blogging it - some very strange sounds coming from the solar system.  It sounds like the kind of stuff you'd hear in dark ambient music... some of them are especially haunting.  I wonder what Gustav Holst would think of these?!

Thought I'd ask Spirit about the planets, and what humanity doesn't understand about them.  The channel said that they are powers that generate effects that ultimately lead to a conclusion.  They do in fact have the ability to influence things that we don't even know about, and there is merit to advanced astrology.  All planets have spiritual activity, only support their own life (if they support physical life at all), and can't support life from another planet.  So science has to understand this: Earth nourishes us with power that we require to survive as a species, and we cannot live on other planets.  So, we should focus on maintaining our current home, and give up on Mars, or any other world.  Spiritually, we can move beyond this plane and advance to live on other planets as souls, but we can't as bodies do this.  The planet is working to correct its problems, and ultimately, the conclusion to Earth is more interesting than we think.  Also, humans are not to blame for what has come of this world, as it stands.  We are affected by things that have made change, and some of these effects are very dark looking to humanity.  In the future, we will come to understand that true science (that is, the ability to "know" and prove through study, experimentation, and observation) is actually impossible, we will reach its limit as a field of study, and what replaces it is something that comes of a new set of principles of understanding that realize that proving anything is beyond our capabilities.  We can't actually know anything... new sciences will keep replacing old ones until it is understood that true knowledge doesn't actually exist.  Part of our contemporary arrogance comes from the way humans perceive in this age... this changes, as we evolve.

Still refining the channel, as always - I will revisit the planets as a subject in channel again, when I am refined, to see what else I can read.


Monday, 13 April 2020

Archetypes of my personality...

I talked a little bit about the persona, now I want to self-analyze a bit from what I see in myself, and describe archetypal qualities I see in my personality, as it stands.  These are kind of fun:

First off, there's a cute little girl who is the sort you'd find collecting salamanders and playing in the mud.  She likes to dress in colourful clothing sometimes and play games and do naughty things like read hidden details about people with the Akashic Records.  I was angry at her in the past, but making peace with the inner child, she is now at play and enjoys life more, and I am proud of her.  She has gone from being sad, scared, and really depressed, which made me rather awkward, to a wise child, who takes delight in many things.  This archetype is very healthy now.

Then, there's a very funny man in me.  Many have remarked that I have a masculine quality, which I guess is why some have assumed I am at least bisexual or perhaps gender queer at times.  I have always been aware of this masculinity, even as a kid, and have experimented with him through dress and attitude.  He's kind of like a heterosexual funny man with some people, and flaming gay with others... it depends on the crowd and the mood I am in.  He's either really macho, or absolutely flaming.  The gay man in me is probably why I am so into camp and gay culture, the macho man comes out at work in my blue collar job.  I suspect the reason this man is powerful is because I have been reincarnated as a man more than I have come back as a woman.

Then, there's a queen in me, a regal side, whom I am discovering now.  She's refining with time, and coming to know her power.  She's arrogant, but patient with people who aren't as bright as she is.  I would say the nun is also her to some extent, she's like a grand dame who is still maturing, and as my confidence builds, I am coming to learn more about her.  Not much else to say, except I am fascinated to see how she evolves as I heal and grow.  I would say that of the four queens of the tarot, she is most like the Queen of Cups.

Finally, the last major one that I see in me is a bitter old wise woman who is unsatisfied by the limitations of what life has been, and the letdowns she's experienced from others.  She feels she has done everything to better herself, and is waiting with jaded patience for the world to catch up with her.  She likes to comically put down things that are not interesting to her, and complain about things that younger people tend to find interesting or relevant that she does not.  Kind of like a comical "get off my lawn" type who is self aware, and doesn't want to be this way anymore.

It will be interesting to see what other archetypes step forward with time, or how these ones change.  The queen is growing, while the old lady needs to heal.  I am a proud woman with wounded pride.


A Kenneth Copeland COVID-19 hip hop remix...

This is one of my faves of its kind.  I lose my shit when the bass drops.  (Also, it makes me laugh how these fundamentalists can't recognize this virus for what it is - not the workings of Satan, but instead the hand of Vishnu.)

Stay safe, sinners!


UPDATE: I had imbedded this as a video from YouTube, but the video was removed.  Now you can view it through the link instead.

A possibility for this blog...

I am strongly considering videos of myself channeling the Spirit on various subject matter, once I feel consistent enough with my channel as far as quality goes, and get past some mild feelings of being camera shy that, in the past, have made me awkward in video recordings.  Now that the demon field is gone, there's a time of recovery ahead, so moving beyond that, once all is grounded and stable, I may dress as Sister Penance and do some little clips from my computer camera using my methods of interpretation of the Spirit.  Nothing special - I am not savvy with editing or film, but the messages might be worth listening to once I get to a certain place.  (The latex habit may be a pain to get into all the time, so expect more cloth habit videos instead - latex maintenance is a bitch, and I can't exactly run to Northbound Leather right now to buy more latex polish, if I run out, with COVID-19 lockdown upon us.)

Not sure how many videos I will make, just that they are likely to be on various topics that the Spirit can comment on.  I just want to see where I could take this, if this becomes a regular thing.  I'm not one who is into self promotion, so these are probably not going on YouTube, unless I have to get them up there for some reason to link them to this blog.  I don't expect much reaction from these, except that sometimes the wording in channel is better than I can remember to articulate it in my articles, and the information is improving with time.

My St. Jude medal went missing - I thought I dropped it on the street, but found it later after prayers to St. Anthony.  Glad I did - that medal has special meaning because the day I bought it was the day I opened to Jesus through St. Jude.  It would have been sad if it had disappeared.  Thank you, St. Anthony!  <3


Friday, 10 April 2020

Playing online psychic lady during quarantine...

Although I can't continue to train under my psychic teacher right now in his shop due to the COVID-19 quarantine, I have hopped on the Zoom bandwagon and am now doing free readings for friends and family that way, to keep my training going.  I am not charging yet, because I don't feel refined enough as a seer to do so - tips have been welcome, but that's it.  I want to be sure I am delivering a fine product with my readings.

It seems like the readings are getting longer now, some lasting at least 20 minutes for a general rundown of what Spirit wants people to know.  Details are getting more interesting, and according to those I read, I am sounding accurate as far as what they can confirm about what I present.  The problem I had before was I wasn't necessarily a detailed enough reader, and I think I know why: as mentioned earlier, Ajna (the third eye chakra) was interfering with the reading, and had to not be as involved, since my dominant psychic centre for insight is the heart (Anahata).  Also, I realized now my mind needs to be grounded in Manipura (the navel centre) for stabler mental health, and thus better input.  I think I was able to do this with prayer, since within a few days, the readings got richer.  I also did a bit more prayer pipe, and have prayed for a few other things with Akasha.  All experimental stuff until things are tweaked to be just right - I can't be sure of anything until I am a clear channel of Spirit.  It's rather hilarious, some of the things I can read - for fun, I even played Harry Potter Sorting Hat to find the Hogwart's houses for people I know, and even tried it with what my Asylum Squad characters would be.  (If you're curious, Liz Madder is a Gryffindor who becomes more like a Ravenclaw by the end of the series, Henry Chan is a Ravenclaw, though not the brightest one, Cath Schneider is a Slytherin as a persona but deep down more of a Hufflepuff, and Sarah Lockhart is an angry Hufflepuff.)  When asked about myself, it said I almost am all four houses, since I have taken on their qualities in order to survive, but I navigate the world with a very peculiar Ravenclaw as my persona.  I also love a game I made up called "What bothers me about (...)", where I probe the Spirit about what my deepest feelings are about things that irritate me, everything from Lana Del Rey lyrics to why I no longer enjoy playing video games.

My teacher friend's spirit was by again, to check up on me to see how I am coping with quarantine.  I still can't exactly channel anything more than his emotion - he laughed at my antics with tarot cards.  I don't think I am meant to channel spirits the way other channels do, but I can channel what they would want me to know from the Spirit.

Still need to get back to painting that "St. Tommy Wiseau" piece... mostly I have been the resident soothsayer for the apocalypse.  Not only am I coping well with all that is going on from the coronavirus, I am getting quite used to it.  I had to cut back on caffeine because when the sun goes down, anxiety can kick in, and Spirit told me too much caffeine throughout the day was to blame.  Cutting back seems to have worked.

I hope all you sinners are coping well with the madness upon us!