Sick as a dog...

Having only just gotten over some nasty head cold weeks ago, I'm sick again, have been for about a week, with what looks like the flu.  I had to book off work to take it easy, I hope this clears up before I head out of town for Easter to visit family... otherwise, I won't be able to go. Still no problems being off Latuda entirely, but I have had to take a nightly dose of Loxapine while sick, because my cough is so terrible it keeps me from being able to drift to sleep without drugging myself.

In other (better) news, I think a bit more expansion happened with my crown chakra.  I kept getting the number "777" in spirit writings.  I assumed it was an angel number, but after further contemplation, I decided it described degrees of Heaven, and prayed to Metatron to open to it.  Within a couple of days, a greater calmness and clarity came over me, I'll have to see how this unfolds.  Something just feels gentler overall.

Playing around with the Wu Xing related elements - I am contemplating what best to represent them with.  I think I had discussed this before, but I'll give an update.  I created an altar space where 5 mini offering bowls are laid out in the shape of a pentagram, with a mini cauldron in the centre (the 5 Wu Xing elements are put into the offering bowls).  For Wood, I'm using tobacco.  For Fire, a lit candle.  For Earth, a cluster of crystals (I am drawn to Malachite, Agate, and Garnet, in particular).  For Metal, a piece of copper.  And for Water, an offering of holy water.  Air is a lit charcoal in the cauldron, and any offerings made to it, while Aether is simply implied because it resides in everything.  The opening ritual for my practice is to call upon the 7 Directions and archangels, and then the 7 Elements.  I am still considering what to add, either physically, or to my wording.

Makes me wonder what Wiccans would think of it, it's almost like I've expanded a bit on what's already there in Wicca, while considering ideas from other traditions.

-Saraƒin

The kind of people God has allowed me to curse (or at least try to curse)...

When it seemed that I wasn't meant to be Christian and just Christian (this came out of years of attuning to Lord Jesus, then other doors seemed welcome to me, such as Goddess Sekhmet and Lord Krishna, among them), I began to have downloads of my potential as a magician.  I was to commit myself as a witch to Lord Jesus, that I would not cross Heaven's will with what I cast, so that I conform only to Heaven's will for what is possible, completely bypassing the potential for backlash.  A spell Heaven doesn't want to see simply won't work, a spell Heaven wants to see will be fuelled by Heaven (and Heaven can be angry too).

This means that the only possible person that I am allowed to curse, when it comes to that territory, are enemies of God that are probably going to get away with their crimes.  If someone is likely going to be punished by the criminal justice system, or by some other means, or they have the potential to turn their life around, I may not be able to do anything, but if they're a secret killer, rapist, or something like that, and are just that "good" that they will get away with horrible things (and will likely keep offending), I might have something I can throw at them.

Of course, I don't know for sure if I have ever successfully cursed anyone, this is just what it seems the rule is.  One person I tried to curse was someone I have never met but they were responsible for certain complications in my life.  I read from the Akashic Records that she is a Karla Homolka type that has lived a secret life, hidden from her family, as someone so dark she may have even killed at least one baby, and also molested one or both of her kids.  Miffed at what I had to go through personally, I threw something at her... no idea if it worked.

Another was (and I have mentioned this before) the brat who twice kicked me in the head back in 2020 randomly, for being a nerdy white lady waiting for my food, defending my right to be there while she and her shitty friends belittled me.  The cops never followed up, but sending a spell her way was how I moved on, because that situation definitely worsened my PTSD.

Last year, I was approached by some sketchy guy in Kensington Market, who seemed interested in taking me back to his place for drinks and drugs.  I brushed him off, he left, then I read later that he was basically trying to take me away to destroy me, so I went home and threw something at him too.  (Toronto is getting worse all the time.)

So mostly, I have done this when I have felt there's a threat that needs to be controlled - in the case of the 2020 assault, I didn't ever believe that they would find her, and I did a spell because I knew that, even though it was a mild concussion I suffered, my PTSD was going to be much worse from that point on.

I know a lot of people say this kind of magick is black, difficult, or evil, but compared to the deeds of some people who are never going to be caught or learn from their mistakes, I think it's justice if it can stop a pattern of hate.  Again, this is more or less an edgy vision board compared to the damage one could do, I don't even know if it works. 

 It's not criminal activity, it's just therapy, goth girl style.

-Saraƒin

Contemplating Yin and Yang in my system...

It occurred to me the other day that perhaps possession threw off the natural balance of Yin and Yang energies in my body and soul, so I decided to start working on that.  I consecrated a few drinks, did some reiki and prayers.  This morning, I woke to feel far less irritable, but still rather fatigued.  I contemplated what Yin and Yang rule in the body, decided Yang has improved, but Yin might have problems too, so I'm focusing on solving that.  (I have no idea what the entity did to either, only that both seemed off or excessive, the more I read about them.)

I also contemplated dark entities and devils themselves.  Perhaps not real creatures of the spirit world, I wonder if they are in fact examples of excessive Yang, and because of their corrosive nature, they present to us as spiritual creatures to warn us of a nearby threat.  I think of the idea in Lurianic Kabbalah that when God created the universe, He made a mistake, and an abundance of His power (Yang, in this case) shattered the vessels of the Tree of Life, and maybe the result is this shit wandering around.  I do believe in the power of Christ to fight this shit, I'm just not as sure of Satan being a literal fallen angel or enemy of God... perhaps "Satan" is a sickness in God's creation because of the abundance of Yang that still remains.  If this is the case, I suspect the cure is Yin.  If this shit could ever go, maybe we would have a better understanding of all things spiritual, perhaps more evidence for the existence of Divinity.

Food for thought... I should crack some books on Daoism again.

-Saraƒin

Experimenting with that Wu Xing idea again..

I was in contemplation yesterday, when I got an insight that I should again try experimenting with that idea from way back about calling upon the Wu Xing cycle of creation (the elements of Wood, Fire, Earth, Metal, and Water) while considering Air as a place of offering to the Spirit.  I downloaded that there's something to this combination for magick, so I set up a bit of an altarspace on my table, and started by calling in the 7 Directions and archangels, then calling in the cycle with an offering to Spirit.  I decided that I might need to tinker a bit with what I say and do for the incant, but after I experimented (I was trying for a simple reaction of greater spiritual development and well being) I felt waves of change, so it felt like it was working somehow.

I have several books on traditional western occult practices, but felt called to just experiment with the knowledge I already have, from both the east and west, and come up with something new, as a creative.  I am certain I have something with the Indigenous notion of 7 Directions + the archangels, as opposed to just 4, so I thought I'd get back into playing with this as well.

I thought my modified Wu Xing idea might be silly and just pure creativity, but downloads explained that it invokes something that Spirit can work with, depending on what is needed.  (It was an idea that popped into my head back in 2006, when the shit hit the fan with the spiritual crisis.)

My exercise is paying off - I was returning home from karaoke last night, saw a streetcar coming, and booked it, was able to run at least 4 blocks straight without stopping.  Normally, I'd be pooped within one and a half!  Gotta keep it up!

-Saraƒin

Plotting my next art pieces...

I am nursing a bit of a hangover from a St. Patrick's Day bar gathering with friends yesterday... I was able to walk home, didn't vomit (again, I don't seem to feel the effects of alcohol the same way anymore), but now I feel just a wee bit gross, with a headache.  I think I'll stay dry again, for the next while.  My inner guide wants me to tone it down, too - it said I was going too hard.  I'm not young anymore!

The next Super Wonder Gallery show is aquatic themed, so I've been contemplating what to paint.  Knowing there would probably be a lot of mermaids, sea monkeys, and dolphins, I decided to paint another subject found in water - the tardigrade.

I recently discovered an adorable weighted plush tardigrade in Indigo Books.  It was so cute that I returned the next day and bought it, naming it "Ursula" (which means "Little Bear", or a feminine of bear - tardigrades are also known as "water bears").  I had wanted a plush tardigrade for a while, so I couldn't turn it down.  Apart from their horrific little faces, I find real tardigrades kind of cute, with their tiny claws and quirky movements.  So this piece is going to be based on Ursula, only that it will be modelled after images of tardigrades from the web, and I might make it girly, with a big bow and maybe painted nails - just a silly little piece to sell for under $100.

My second piece might be another painting of Yemaya, my primary Orisha, or perhaps of another Orisha.  I was thinking of painting Lord Neptune, but now I'm thinking that's too obvious, and I don't work with that god.  I'm still contemplating the second piece, but have decided that both will be small.

The aquatic themed show is in mid April, I have a bit of time, but should get started soon.

-Saraƒin

All spookiness is definitely gone...

Well, I feel it's safe to say that something must have changed in December, because my anxiety is mostly gone, I don't tend to have as many anxiety attacks at night.  I just have trouble sleeping a lot, and still need that PRN of Loxapine (or whatever replaces it).  Fatigue is bad - by the end of the day, I have very little energy, and must take frequent trips to bed to recharge, like an aging lithium battery in an old cellphone.   It's frustrating to both feel this fatigue, but find it hard to bed down because of things on my mind.  Popping a PRN is all I can think to do by the time my clock says 3:00 am.  I am hoping insomnia will also be a thing of my past one day.

I have zero thoughts of suicide in the long term now - I am sorry if that ten year countdown idea scared anyone who reads this blog.  I think there was still something terribly wrong with my soul, which made everything feel incredibly bleak.  Knowing that psychiatry is basically the only game in town for a poor woman like me, it made me depressed, because of all the mishandling I was subjected to, the hospital being a place I can no longer turn to if I have a bad day.  But getting off Latuda smoothly with zero struggle as I weened is such a major milestone for me, that I'm becoming more hopeful about other milestones, such as the possibility of a better life in the arts, and maybe even knowing love.  I still struggle with love, finding it hard to believe in it as something that might protect me.  With every crime against my body, the criminal got away with it - my abusive childhood dentist was recently acquitted, for one.  I have known so much hate in my life, I struggle to understand or know love's power.  I long to feel safe.

I guess I have greater fears of being murdered now, than of suicide, because of all the assaults my body has taken.  I live in a rough part of town, there's drama in my building because it's a housing project, one of my neighbours was recently evicted for creating disturbances.  I am so tired of bad things happening - my way of coping is to dress up in fun clothing every day, take a picture, decorate, socialize, support my art and poetry friends at their openings, and just be a bohemian in the scene, distracting myself from all chaos.  I have obsessive thoughts that disturb me sometimes, I recognize this to be the result of having an obsessive mind that's been subjected to a lot of pain.  (I don't have compulsions, so it's perhaps not full blown OCD.)

Channeling suggests I have years ahead of me with recovery, but I should just dedicate myself to taking it easy, and staying on top of things, not working too hard.  It's all I can do.  I don't think I need much more medicine than that.

-Saraƒin