Expanding on my henotheistic ideas...

As much as I appreciate Indian ideas about God and consciousness, I can't help but feel less enthused on some I have read when it comes to matters of the devil.

I am in a research period with world religion, simply Google searching and doing mild studies to help me conclude what I ultimately want to believe when it comes to faith.  When I look into Hindu ideas on Satan and dark forces, what I find leaves me cold.  This is where I have to side with my more Anglo-Catholic roots.

I say this as a survivor of satanic assault, regardless of what that entity actually was.  This was an assault on my soul, I was maimed as a mind and had to live through a life of antipsychotics and oppression until I was able to solve it.  Now that this time has passed, I live with trauma and reflection, as I sort out how to proceed.  These forces are real, treating them like they were real helped solve the problem, at least.  I am not sure any mind ever truly understood evil forces, but whatever they are, they are a threat.

I say this because, in my experience, Catholic "tech" works well against them - holy water, crucifixes, Catholic rituals, these are all very effective against these forces for whatever reason (at least when evil is present, and the Holy Spirit is fighting them).  In the end, it was sweetgrass, seraphim and consecrated wine that solved the dilemma.  Eastern thought brings me fruits of wisdom on the potentials of God, but with satanic forces, Catholic folk magick, as an Anglican magician, was the ultimate cure.

This is where I again return to the idea that I am a hybrid of faith, merging worlds.  I am not sure what priests would say about me, perhaps it is too soon to define myself.

-Saraƒin

Niger and asexuality...

Perhaps I spoke too soon about asexuals not being an oppressed group, at least not quite like other members of LGBTQ+.  Enter Niger's new law, which bans acts from basically every letter in that acronym.

It is now illegal to partake in "asexual acts", punishable by up to 10 years in prison.  I was joking that "asexual acts" meant things like eating cake instead of having sex, which is an old asexuality joke, but what's horrible is that, as an example, it probably means husbands can now force their wives to submit to having sex with them, or else she'll face jail time.  Even stupider is that "intersex acts" are now illegal too, which I guess means doing just about anything while having intersex anatomy - Jesus, how stupid!  I am already horrified about the vilification of people of LGBTQ+ around the globe, but it's like Niger is a special level of ridiculous with this kind of criminalization.  They are the first in the world to criminalize asexuality, an orientation that might even be considered a blessing to one wanting to become a nun or a Catholic priest.

I'm definitely going to hit Church St. sometime before Pride Month is over with my asexuality flag, because of this.  Again, I don't think I'll be doing any marches, but I do want to check out the vendors, maybe go to some parties.  I wonder what other asexuals are saying about this?

-Saraƒin

CAMH update...

Sigh.

So I talked again to that person from CAMH, along with someone else, and all they could offer me was a "lockbox" (?) option for my file to keep it more private, when what I wanted was a discussion with a psychiatrist to inform them that I made it off Latuda, and how it was achieved.  I think the next thing I will try is to go through my GP and see if he can inform them about this, because I can't help but feel that I'm being jerked around... business as usual with Toronto mental health services.

I'm tired of getting treated badly by medicine.  When I was a baby suffering from high fevers, I was given tetracycline, which caused my tooth enamel to stain to the point where I needed veneers as an adult for my front teeth, because my teeth became unsightly... they got away with that.  And Dr. Errol Gaum the pediatric dentist walked after decades of abusing children in the dental chair, myself included.  The orthodontist might have fucked up my lower set of teeth when I had braces.  And of course, psychiatry just screws with me on file, shuffles me along, not to mention all the trauma I have from my experiences with CTO injections and long term inpatient "care".  No wonder I have a medical phobia... I'm like a twelve year old even with blood tests.  God help me if/when I need surgery one day... I'd fear they'd botch the procedure.  But this is nothing new, I have ranted about this before.  Medical types give me the willies because they are like Hollywood nuns - they are either complete sweethearts and are great at their position, or they're horrible.

At least the bed bug problem is over - phew.  I'll be going to visit my Mom and Spare Dad at the end of the month, and then I'm going to plan for that Ottawa Jail Hostel stay with my homeslice later in July or August.

-Saraƒin

Pride Month...

It's Pride Month, and I live in one of the LGBTQ+ capitals of the world.  I wanted to talk a little bit about being an asexual during this time of year:

I personally don't identify as "queer" under that umbrella acronym anymore because I am a straight asexual, I just haven't had a crush in decades.  I'm not going to speak on behalf of other asexuals, especially those who identify as "queer" in other ways, I simply think of myself as someone who is less prone to relationships than my straight peers, and sex is the farthest thing from my mind.  When people call me queer, I'm not offended, but it doesn't feel like something I want to call myself.  Religion, depending on what we're talking about, might not give a shit that I'm attracted to men but just don't want to have sex with them.  I have never been oppressed personally because I'm asexual, I have been misunderstood.  These two things are not the same.

I am glad that the asexuality movement has helped shape the idea that being asexual is not a mental disorder, but I don't feel the need to go out there and march with the other asexuals.  Years ago, I marched with the United Church as Sister Penance and waved the asexuality flag (my friend who is a minister thought it was a riot - I'm not with the United Church, but was involved in groups with them at the time), and I will still wander the street markets with my flag in solidarity with the asexuals, I have grown to find big parades too overwhelming, so I don't tend to go out for anything more than maybe a club party or the street fair.  I'm also sick of seeing the influence of all these corporations, and certain behaviours in the streets I have seen raise my eyebrows, considering the presence of minors.  Many people, LGBTQ+ or otherwise, agree with me.  Kink, for one, should stay at private parties or in the bedroom.  Wearing certain levels of costume are ok by me, but be reasonable.

While Mad Pride is still very much grassroots, LGBTQ+ Pride has unfortunately mutated into something that is super corporate and inconsistent.  The Mad Pride bed push, to the best of my knowledge, doesn't happen in Toronto anymore.  I would go out for it again if it came back, but I don't think I would be on an organizing committee anymore.  

Mad Pride is in July, I might get together with some old friends from the movement, but I honestly don't know of anything organized.

-Saraƒin

Thumbnail sketch...

I roughly sketched how the punk Virgin Mary piece might look yesterday while at work.  

I decided She could use a tartan veil, knuckle tattoos that read "HAIL MARY" across Her fingers, safety pins adorning Her robes.  I am not sure if all the details featured here will be included - if both the stars and the Our Lady of Fatima-inspired crown will remain.  Again, this was really roughly done, just a doodle I did before completing my cash-out.  I will likely do a finer sketch later before getting started on the canvas.  Spirit suggested through download this might be a winner, and could sell.

I bought some imitation silver leaf to add a silver moon to my Hecate piece, I think I will use both silver and gold leaf for this one.

I can't believe it - more bullshit!  I got hit with another cold... the third virus this year!  Much milder than my last infection, though... I don't expect this one will last.  But in good news - the bed bug situation is basically over, they just have to spray down one more time next week.  I'm just going to be surrounded by garbage bags full of clothes until that point.  So glad it wasn't out of control!

The weather is supposed to be lovely all week long, so I'm going to go enjoy myself in the park under a tree, and get some exercise in, walks throughout the city.

-Saraƒin

UPDATE: Here's a more polished sketch, which is probably closer to what the finished piece will look like.  (I decided to include "Punks not dead, neither is God" on Her sleeves, but in the final piece, I will put this in Latin, which translates to "Punk non mortuus est, nec Deus".)  I think for the background I will skip the stars, adding instead a gold halo, and psychedelic clouds emanating from behind.  I might call this piece "Marian Punk" instead of the original title: