"Jesus Christ Superstar" - Laibach edition...

Laibach, the Slovenian "goth / industrial rock" group that once said, when asked if they were fascists, that they were as much fascists as "Hitler was a painter", and that once played, by invite, in North Korea, took a silly musical number and gave it an awesome spin with this cover.  Andrew Lloyd Webber has never sounded so good... really.  He never has.  ("Phantom of the Opera" is lame, and I'm sick of people considering it real opera.)

(I love Laibach, but I wonder how they reacted to the alt right?  Their far right/far left imagery seems entirely for artistic shits and giggles.  Nazis have gone from Hugo Boss uniforms and Wagner to tiki lights and polo shirts.  Evil isn't stylish anymore... it's just tacky and stupid looking now.)

-Saraƒin

The new habit...

 

Here are some (not very good - for they were taken with my shitty phone camera) pics of me in the newest nun habit I have acquired.  When I get nicer pics taken, I will upload those as well.  This habit was an affordable buy from Bodyline, a Japanese lolita fashion store that sells budget lolita items that are of decent quality for the money.  This came out to about $35.00 US in total, shipping was free.  Not bad!  The veil's elastic is a little snug for my cranium, might have to adjust that by extending it with more elastic, but that's an easy task I could do some day.  I wore this out to a goth dance party last night... sipping beer and praying away in the corner.  Ha!

I think I shall refrain from making that many updates about my spiritual condition until I have a better sense of clarity... seems I am still being deluded, and fear making a fool of myself on here.  This has been a strenuous battle, and I know not everyone is going to understand it... all I can say is that things are, for the most part, going well, and I'm not going to quit fighting.  Mostly, I am going to focus my time on Christian style prayer, because it has been the most helpful method, thus far.  I am also using sweetgrass to smudge again.

I think I will go to the cathedral today before my shift... that deacon I had the religious debate with said hello recently, glad there is no bad blood!

-Saraƒin

Farewell, Sister Wendy...

Feb 25, 1930 - Dec 26, 2018

I was saddened to hear about the passing of the epic art nun, Sister Wendy Beckett, which happened only yesterday.  She was 88.

I knew about this interesting woman back in my high school days, in art class, where we would watch videos of her, where she'd often gush over the eroticism in the paintings she would describe in detail, which made it all so amusing, her being a Carmelite nun.  She apparently developed quite the following from her BBC documentary series, and seemed like a genuine human being.  There were some comedy show parodies of her as well - not sure how she felt about those, but she was a compelling speaker and again, it was amusing to see a nun discuss nudes to the degree that she did.

Carmelites are my fave to read about, I think, of the nuns I have been interested in.  St Teresa of Avila was also a real character, and I might have to do a blog post about her and her work sometime too.

-Saraƒin

UPDATE:  Found this interesting video of her discussing the saints - one of my favourite subject matters.  Enjoy!

My rosary...

This rosary was gifted to me by a friend of a friend (who has also become a friend - though she lives in the States, so I keep in touch with her online).  She is working to become an Anglican priest, and as a hobby she likes to weave rosaries and gift them to people.  Because I tend to pray the Catholic version, she made me this St Jude themed Catholic rosary, complete with a St Jude medal hanging from the cross portion.  Prior to owning this, I would use some cheap boring rosaries that were pretty typical looking... this one is much nicer.

A friend of mine and I are such spirituality nerds that he sometimes texts me to invite me over to pray the rosary, and I respond with "Fuck YES... I'm fucking AMPED for that.  Lemme grab some WINE!" - some people get together to smoke dope, play video games, run a DND campaign, or have casual sex - we do Druidry rituals and pray the rosary.  Interesting what he and I consider fun, I know... at least it's a cheap hobby.

Often when I start the ritual of the rosary, I will utter several prayers to various sources at the crucifix portion, to set my intent for the prayers.  I have memorized most of the ritual, just the Apostle's Creed is a bit tricky for me to remember.  Sometimes I pray it at the cathedral with everyone else there in unison, but usually I just like to do it on my own, or with my friend the Anglican Druid.  It's been a while since I have, I have kind of taken a break from it.  Gotta be in the right mood!

(This rosary was also something I carried around with me at the convent - I wonder what those nuns thought of me, honestly... one time during silence at meal time, I started snickering because of some oddness popping into my subconscious, and tried passing it off as a hacking cough... how embarrassing!)

I'll probably post some articles on other things I tend to use ritualistically, including the smudge feather I made that helped me destroy my demon.

-Saraƒin

Automatic handwriting...

Automatic handwriting (or spirit writing) is one of the channeling gifts that I have been developing for many years.  Basically, as one could imagine, it equates to allowing unseen spiritual forces, or the unconscious, to take control of one's hand with a pen to write messages.  I also receive automatic drawings a lot, some of which I have discussed here before.

It all started back in 2006, when I was puffing away on a joint.  My right hand lurched up on its own and began gesturing like a ballpoint pen being clicked, indicating that I should pick up an implement and start seeing what came out of it.  My hair stood on end at the time, but I am so used to this now it's as natural as breathing to me.  In the beginning, the messages were a few words and squiggles mostly, but since working on myself and ridding myself of much of my spiritual problems, I now receive complete sentences and passages.  It's a sort of guidance to help me know what to pray for, to encourage me, and to give premonitions of events to come in the near future.  Often these premonitions are accurate.

Today I experimented with automatic handwriting at the cathedral - since tarot cards in a Catholic church is a recipe for disaster, having a notebook looks like I might just be journaling.  I found the "spiritual reception" to be even clearer in this location, due to the amount of devotion and spiritual service that goes on there, I'm sure.  It's probably going to be something I do often now, nobody could tell I was channeling notes, tarot cards would be way too obvious and I might even get scolded or kicked out if the wrong person saw me using them.

Some of the regular symbols I receive through automatic drawing include: the cross, the cross in a heart, the Eye of God, the Eye of God with beams coming from it, the spiral of Akasha, the Infinity symbol, the Eye of Providence, the Chi Rho, the Star of David with an eye in it, a smiley face (I guess to indicate that all is well), the Medicine Wheel, and a series of other symbols, both religious and non religious in nature.  It feels almost like a kind of game of Pictionary with the Spirit, trying to make sense of what the messages are trying to tell me, as I also fine tune my vocal channeling.  Vocal channeling, BTW, feels like a kinetic response in the body where the mouth forms and speaks words on its own, the ego not involved as it steps aside for a moment.

Right now I seem to be overcoming a lot but also fine tuning, as I take on and develop new skills with this.  It will be interesting to see how far this takes me - some very powerful psychics I know already say I'm pretty darn good, and I only opened to the Akashic Records a few months ago!

-Saraƒin

Where I'm at: The Anahata update...

It seems I made a false assumption, that there is still a negative field of energy with me, but it's dead consciously, and only affects my ability to perceive psychically and channel.... it is not in and of itself a conscious thing trying to mess with me anymore.  Good information still finds a way to make it through me, but is peppered by nonsense.  Fortunately, this illusionary nonsense is quickly seen for what it is, anything "demonic" has a kind of cute and cuddly vibe (like Jim Henson studios stuff - not "Dark Crystal" though, more "Fraggle Rock"), and any evil seems about as threatening as this pug dog in a bumble bee costume.

The burden seems to be affecting Anahata, which, on the soul, is the gateway to Divinity (many see Sahasrara as this, but Anahata is at least as equally important), which causes me a spiritual burden, where I breathe heavily throughout the day, heaving heavy sighs, and makes me feel tired all the time, like a weary octogenarian, no matter how well I eat or exercise.  But the burden has faded, and the channel (when it is not confusing me) reiterates that I just have to wait this out, that it's going away, this is a kind of decaying of dead energy and even smudge can't clear it out quicker.  I was worried demonic "minions" were out to get me yesterday, and smudged the shit out of my apartment and energy field, but that was again an example of the kind of illusion this brings.  I have a feeling these illusions may abound for some time, so be prepared for me to describe some stuff on here that I will later retract as I grow healthier as a soul.  I'm sure many of you think I'm nuts... I am not, it is what happened to me that is truly insane.  I am emotionally and psychologically holding things together, when something is weird it's more of an eye roller than a nail biter for me.

I felt some stillness come over me since the "DIY baptism" event, so I guess that actually was legit!  It'll be interesting to see how this unfolds.  I feel even more quiet in my mind than I did before... the source of any strange info is through vocal channel, which is not the same as hearing voices (though I don't think of hearing voices as only a sign of madness... clairaudience is a real thing).  But when I sit in stillness, my mind is very quiet... at peace.  A very good sign.

I have decided not to try marijuana again until it is absolutely clear that this field is gone, and I am not sure what that will look like, but I have a feeling I will know it when I see it.  It could just get extremely disturbing with this still here, and I may have a panic attack if I jump the gun.  Marijuana lowers the barrier between the conscious and the unconscious, and with this affecting the unconscious, it could be ugly if utilized too soon.

My Jungian analyst once joked that I am in the Crone stage of womanhood at 36, because of my interests, what I perceive as relevant, important, and what drives me.  This makes quite a bit of sense to me.  I skipped the Motherhood stage altogether - I am not the maternal type at all, at least not with human babies.  Cats, on the other hand, are my little sweetums, and one day I will probably get another lovely feline to have around as a familiar... but for now, on my budget, it's just plants for me.  :P

-Saraƒin

Recuperating...

Though I have come to a point where I function quite well in society, despite the psychic assault, and though it appears the assault is over now, it looks as though I will require a substantial period of recuperation.  This has been 12 and a half years of brutality on my unconscious, and under the strong facade of whom I present to the world hides a fragile side to me that is very tender.  It was as though my mind had been under constant attack, and though medication made it easier to ignore, anxiety was intense because my unconscious was in constant pain.  Now I am coming down from this, shedding cathartic tears while I gather my thoughts, picking up the pieces while I decide on how to proceed in life.

It seems like I am going to need to focus on relaxation for a long time, and on anything I can think of to heal.  I no longer trust the CAMH women's ward as a therapeutic place for what I am dealing with, should I get too overwhelmed... I will have to find my own answers, at home.  The hospital will only be used if there's an emergency, clearly it was a bad idea to go there last time.  One thing I use is a weighted blanket sometimes to chill out, that helps.  Hot baths are nice as well.

It's probably best, now that I think of it, to give any pot consumption some time before making that attempt, and it's probably best to not come down off of medication until my psyche is 100% confident in itself.  I think part of the reason my channel can be tricky and all over the map is that the psychic region of my soul became sick from the battle that was going on, so now it's a bit beat up, and I can't exactly do what I want to do with it pitch perfectly.  Provable truths do come out from it, but there is a lot of stuff that comes out that is also ungrounded.  Maybe the vayus in the soul need to work out some bad pranic shit... I am also praying like mad to get things in check again.  I'm sure it will all be fine, but it probably needs time to level out.

At this point I would prefer a safe life over an exciting one, if an exciting one meant I was unsafe, so I am willing to work and wait for things to improve before any real fun comes my way.

-Saraƒin

My life: What it's like now...

Perhaps it's worth posting something about the positivity in my life right now, considering the darkness I have discussed prior.  Things are actually quite good, and I seem to make everything work, even on a lower budget.

I have a cute little one bedroom apartment in the core of the city, which is hard to come by considering the housing crisis.  Finances, though low, are good, I have no debt, I engage in low budget activities to maintain my financial balance, and am even able to put away money for retirement every two weeks.  Though "poor", I have two phones, and I eat out all the time (I am not much of a cook, that's why), and I am still with a disposable income.  So finances and housing are great right now.  Also, I can get away with only part time work, so I have much free time to engage in art, spirituality, and social activities.  Stress is quite low.  Also, my health is good.

My hobbies are inexpensive - I like karaoke... I have a passion and an eye for thrifting, and often find remarkably cool stuff at thrift stores (the hunt is fun for me).  I tend to only take and buy what I need or perhaps absolutely want (but this is not common, I realize, thanks to the practise of non-attachment, that I don't care to have it all now), I look for sales and deals like a good Taurus, and I am excellent with money.  Sometimes I get to take a trip, sometimes I treat myself to something luxurious, but am not upset if that is not consistent.  I am a Westerner who does not need to constantly be pampered to be satisfied.

My circle of friends is broad and wide - I have more than I can count now.  Certainly there is my core posse, but I do have a great deal of wonderful people in my life whom I consider quite close.  I am also a member of various groups, including the Toronto Comic Jam, and (to a lesser extent now) Mad Pride Toronto.  I designed the Mad Pride Toronto logo, which has since taken off as an internationally recognized symbol of the movement, in various incarnations - now even Mad Pride Paris (France), Mad Pride Derbyshire, and Mad Pride Netherlands, to name some examples, have adopted logos based on my original design.  So that's kind of cool, to have created something that is an official icon now.

My art career isn't booming, but I get the sense it isn't something I want to be in full swing right now.  I have to focus on my soul, that's the most important thing for me at this stage.  Spirit, I get, senses what I need, and provides me with it.  An involved art career would overwhelm me, so I need this downtime.  I am also an indie artist, not a commercial one, so it's never going to be the workload of a commercial artist.  I still plan on working with that television director on the Asylum Squad short film we're planning (the working title is "Madder" - I'd say it's kind of like "Jacob's Ladder" meets "The Craft" in tone and style), it's just that we are in a stage where we need to find the budget for it, and film can in fact take a long time to move forward.

It's nice that a big contingent of spiritually minded people has suddenly landed in my lap - for years, I felt like the group weirdo with what I was living with and feeling, and now these new friends are receptive and it's lovely.  Though I do have atheist/agnostic pals, it's limited when it comes to what we can discuss, since I am so spiritually involved, it is one of the biggest aspects of my life.

So, despite a lack of extravagance, life is good, and possibly even the ideal, considering everything is in balance, money is not a concern, my home is comfortable, my job isn't something I despise.  I plan on stepping up my game when the time is right, but things are not broken, so why bother fixing anything?  I kind of live in the moment, make plans for the future, but don't fret to the degree other Westerners do about this stuff.  I get the sense things will happen as they are meant to now.

-Saraƒin

Kundalini...

The Kundalini (a latent Shakti goddess energy that resides in the Muladhara/root chakra) is an intelligent spiritual power that, when awakened, leads people closer and closer to full spiritual development.  (This is a subject I have discussed briefly on my last blog, but it's worth discussing again here.)

"Kundalini Syndrome" was something I feared I had for a very long time, after psychiatry had convinced me for a while that my demon did not exist.  It is when Kundalini awakens abruptly, or through an imbalanced nadi (channel) and generates painful psychological, physical, and/or emotional states.  Though it's true Kundalini was a part of my journey, it was not the true cause of my suffering, but certainly what I suffered from would have aggravated any strange states Kundalini may have caused, thus it was a perfect storm situation for my unconscious.

I took Kundalini Yoga for about 2 years, until I decided it wasn't doing much more than giving me some exercise and causing me mild hyperventilation while doing Breath of Fire.  A yogi I talked to suggested that this yoga only be practised by those wishing to initiate the Kundalini, not kundalites who are active, as I was.  Once or twice, I came home from a yoga session, with some strange psychic states that caused me anxiety.  So, I put it to rest, and later took up my own brand of Bhakti Yoga (the "Yoga of Devotion"), like the lazy Taurus I am.  My practise involves consistent prayer and devotion to various gods and figures, and using channeling, tarot, and other means to obtain hidden knowledge so as to know how to proceed in growth and development.  Opening to Akasha was the watershed I needed to receive true knowledge to get this wretched, son of a bitch demon to finally die - prior, I did often channel the Spirit, but without the Akashic Records open, the knowledge was limited.  I was rather cut off from it.

Some of the Kundalini phenomena I have experienced includes: mudra hand gestures, kumbhaka breathing patterns, psychic phenomena, strange yogic postures and movements, stronger ties to Divinity, glossolalia, and some weird convulsions that were so intense I actually had to get an EEG scan done because doctors thought I was having seizures (my brain is fine, BTW).  The way I got the stranger stuff under control was through prayer work - for some, their yoga would require extensive stretches, physical postures and breath work... for me, it was about prayer and contemplation, which is in some ways why I identify a lot with Christian mystics I have read about.  St Teresa of Avila's book, "The Interior Castle", discusses the metaphor of a crystal castle with seven mansions... clearly, the castle is the soul, and the mansions are the chakras, and this is her western mystical interpretation of the same process.  (It's a good read, if you can tolerate how she has a tendency to throw womankind under the bus, but as a clever woman living during the Inquisition, she had to play her cards right and act a certain way to preserve her work, and her life.)

I feel I have gotten past the treacherous, tricky stage of Ajna chakra, which can be hard to get by for some, I have read.  I am not yet at Sahasrara, but instead at some point in either Upper Ajna or even higher.  The demon seems to have been an effect on my Anahata, so with that blocked off, it made things pretty tricky.  Now that it seems to be clearing, so is the picture getting clearer, and I get the sense things will be more of a cakewalk for me, at least when compared to the horrors of the past.

I may write more about Kundalini stuff later, as I make further progress in my growth.

-Saraƒin

Marijuana...

Now that pot has been legalized in Canada, and now that my demon's energy field seems to be waning, I am beginning to consider that I may one day again be able to consume this wonderful plant.  I am even beginning to channel that this will indeed be a possibility.

Cannabis has a very peculiar reaction in my brain, where I go into these amazing visionary states, rather like ayahuasca trips, only that my unconscious is such a ludicrous place that I get visions of mostly cartoony stuff that is wild and over the top.  I have described some of this prior, as "active imagination", and marijuana only makes it all the more lush.  If I pop on a pair of headphones while this is happening, whatever I am witnessing visually dances in sync with the music, as though a music video is being created on the spot, and I am mesmerized.  All of it is drenched in hilarity and the fact that pot turns people into laughing idiots anyway adds to that effect.  There are cuts and edits like in a film, transitions, sometimes even credits roll or something... I have even had visions all pixelated like from a 16 bit video game.  I really do hope I can safely explore this again, because it was so amazing and pot is pretty affordable and easy to obtain - all of Toronto basically smells like a skunk's hindquarters because of the new laws in effect.

Now that I am reading the Akashic Records, I bet it will be even more amazing - before, it was just my personal unconscious, from what I gathered.  I will definitely be generating art based on any trips I take if and when I start smoking grass again, and post these works to my blog.  (I also got something that called itself "The Poetry Task Force", which was crazy disjointed poetry that had little to no meaning but rhymed beautifully and had excellent rhythm - often it would sync over the beat of any music I was listening to... so let's say I was playing some silly 90s eurodance number, like "Rhythm of the Night" by Corona, I would hear added lyrics over the beat of the song, often poetry, while I ignored the main lyrics with my conscious.)

I am slightly worried this could become an addiction, because of how incredible smoking pot is for me... I certainly don't want to become one of those potheads who smokes so much grass that they begin to look like the plant itself.  You know the type... white person with dreads or green hair, green army khakis, pot leaf bandanna, yellowing complexion.  These types smoke so much their farts probably get surrounding people high... they want to become the plant.  No, I don't want that to be me, after MY journey.  <_<

At least now it's legal, though.  Psilocybin is probably a real trip for me now too.  I'll consider eating mushrooms sometime, maybe.  Better start downloading some Israeli psytrance or something for the psychological journeys I might soon be taking!

-Saraƒin

PS: To anyone agitated by my lack of recent Asylum Squad comic updates, sorry about the delay... mild block in my drive to create.  A new page is being finished right now, and I may even have it up by tomorrow.  Just the backgrounds need adding, then it's off to the copy centre for a reduced size page, and then scanned, toned, and posted.  Hope that eases any frustration!

Homosexuality and the Bible...

Here is that sermon I mentioned from the Metropolitan Community Church of Toronto about homosexuality and the Bible.  It brilliantly shoots down homophobic arguments people often use against LGBTQ+ people when citing the Bible as some sort of moral source.  Long, but worth it, if you're interested in religious studies.

-Saraƒin

Working with angels...

Angels started to become a prominent feature in my spirituality after invoking Christ.  Certainly, I have a feeling they were a part of things prior to that, based on having seen the apparition of an angel with a trumpet after St Jude came into my practice.  There have been quite a few I have prayed to, including some lesser known ones (such as Lauviah, Seheiah, Mebahiah, and also Jeremiel, Mitzrael, and Lamechial, to give some examples), but the big three for me are Metatron, Gabriel, and Michael.

Metatron is the angel I invoked through Christ, and seems like the strongest influence.  He has been the finest influence on my psyche, bringing me to a higher state of intelligence, a saner mind, and a general feeling of calm and clarity within the psyche, a feeling of being less overwhelmed.  He also seemed to send energies into me using the smudge of sweetgrass when fighting the nasty thing I have been dealing with.  He is a seraph, the highest order of angel in angel lore, and though not discussed much in Christiandom (I think this is because he is not brought up much in the Bible, if at all - don't quote me on that), he is a big deal in Judaism, especially Kabbalah.  Some think Enoch became Metatron, I don't know what I believe in this matter, but I know this influence has been a gift to me.

Gabriel was an angel I felt I channeled when my Dad was dying, and I wonder if it was the reason his passing was so graceful, quick, and smooth.  Apparently, he was lying peacefully asleep when he suddenly passed, and he never even suffered any pain throughout his decline (some mental anguish, sure, but no physical pain at all).  Not sure what Gabriel might have done for him, if I did in fact work with him for Dad, but I like to think he supported him as he crossed over.  I also prayed to Gabriel to watch over my stepdad, who had his own recent set of health struggles, and now my stepdad feels somewhat more connected to "something" than before.  Not sure if my prayers for others always work, but I like to put them out there anyway.

My Mom is a major Michael fangirl, so when I finally invoked that angel (it took a lot of trial and error) I asked that he increase her workings with him.  Michael seemed to be a powerful aid in finishing off this dreadful pest of a demon.  At one point when I worked with him, it felt like the temperature of my soul had suddenly gone up - this was a kind of strengthening effect, I think.  A St Michael prayer card now sits on my shrine, and I like to recite the St Michael prayer at the church I often go to.

(I wanted to get a Metatron statue for my shrine, but the only one I can find in the city is too big for it, and pricey.  There's a smaller one I have found that I may order from the web, but right now I just represent him with a cloth with Metatron's Cube on it, and a card of him.)

-Saraƒin

Regrets...

Having been through the strange spiritual horrors of my youth and early adulthood, there are many regrets about the conduct I have demonstrated throughout all of this.  Some mistakes have led to alienation from friends, peers, and associates.  It's really sad to see the (hopefully not permanent) damage that may have been done to some relationships - apart from the suicide attempt scars on my wrists during a particularly dark spell, not much harm came of my body, but I lost friends to strange and sometimes nasty behaviours that I demonstrated when this all began, before I learned how to handle things better.  And to those I alienated, I say to you now - I am sorry.

Certainly strong feelings about others were demonstrated in the comics of "The Psychosis Diaries" - I consider that book the literary equivalent of an emotional enema.  Having no genuine therapy while in hospital for that year (it was a dreadful place), no one to turn to for any real counsel other than reminders to accept a diagnosis I did not have and to behave myself, looming issues in the outside world, and little to no friends who cared to visit me, life was punishingly hard, and so comics became my outlet of expression, because to raise my voice or even cry could mean punishment, or at least higher doses of medication.  Looking back at that book, it is a very angry piece, and hard for even me to read through again, it is certainly not how I feel about things now.  I would say, what remains is a kind of sorrow, not anger, and perhaps mild fear that there are some bridges I can never repair now.  Everything I went through was just too brutal a psychological experience to consider the long term effects of things I would express in my comics, certainly the dark one had heavily influenced the emotions and beliefs about my situation.

Now that things are growing lighter, I feel like I am coming out of a panic-stricken, emotional spell.  It's not quite completely gone, but it is far greater than it has ever been since this began, and certainly I have grown greatly as a human being.  I feel I have mostly, if not entirely, made peace with my shadow psyche, and have a better sense of self now as well.  Thank god for (affordable) Jungian analysis, which has been one of the greatest blessings.

I shall have to make another post once I am convinced any "residue" from the dark one is gone completely.  Its death seems incremental.

-Saraƒin