Where I'm at: The Anahata update...

It seems I made a false assumption, that there is still a negative field of energy with me, but it's dead consciously, and only affects my ability to perceive psychically and channel.... it is not in and of itself a conscious thing trying to mess with me anymore.  Good information still finds a way to make it through me, but is peppered by nonsense.  Fortunately, this illusionary nonsense is quickly seen for what it is, anything "demonic" has a kind of cute and cuddly vibe (like Jim Henson studios stuff - not "Dark Crystal" though, more "Fraggle Rock"), and any evil seems about as threatening as this pug dog in a bumble bee costume.

The burden seems to be affecting Anahata, which, on the soul, is the gateway to Divinity (many see Sahasrara as this, but Anahata is at least as equally important), which causes me a spiritual burden, where I breathe heavily throughout the day, heaving heavy sighs, and makes me feel tired all the time, like a weary octogenarian, no matter how well I eat or exercise.  But the burden has faded, and the channel (when it is not confusing me) reiterates that I just have to wait this out, that it's going away, this is a kind of decaying of dead energy and even smudge can't clear it out quicker.  I was worried demonic "minions" were out to get me yesterday, and smudged the shit out of my apartment and energy field, but that was again an example of the kind of illusion this brings.  I have a feeling these illusions may abound for some time, so be prepared for me to describe some stuff on here that I will later retract as I grow healthier as a soul.  I'm sure many of you think I'm nuts... I am not, it is what happened to me that is truly insane.  I am emotionally and psychologically holding things together, when something is weird it's more of an eye roller than a nail biter for me.

I felt some stillness come over me since the "DIY baptism" event, so I guess that actually was legit!  It'll be interesting to see how this unfolds.  I feel even more quiet in my mind than I did before... the source of any strange info is through vocal channel, which is not the same as hearing voices (though I don't think of hearing voices as only a sign of madness... clairaudience is a real thing).  But when I sit in stillness, my mind is very quiet... at peace.  A very good sign.

I have decided not to try marijuana again until it is absolutely clear that this field is gone, and I am not sure what that will look like, but I have a feeling I will know it when I see it.  It could just get extremely disturbing with this still here, and I may have a panic attack if I jump the gun.  Marijuana lowers the barrier between the conscious and the unconscious, and with this affecting the unconscious, it could be ugly if utilized too soon.

My Jungian analyst once joked that I am in the Crone stage of womanhood at 36, because of my interests, what I perceive as relevant, important, and what drives me.  This makes quite a bit of sense to me.  I skipped the Motherhood stage altogether - I am not the maternal type at all, at least not with human babies.  Cats, on the other hand, are my little sweetums, and one day I will probably get another lovely feline to have around as a familiar... but for now, on my budget, it's just plants for me.  :P

-Saraƒin

Recuperating...

Though I have come to a point where I function quite well in society, despite the psychic assault, and though it appears the assault is over now, it looks as though I will require a substantial period of recuperation.  This has been 12 and a half years of brutality on my unconscious, and under the strong facade of whom I present to the world hides a fragile side to me that is very tender.  It was as though my mind had been under constant attack, and though medication made it easier to ignore, anxiety was intense because my unconscious was in constant pain.  Now I am coming down from this, shedding cathartic tears while I gather my thoughts, picking up the pieces while I decide on how to proceed in life.

It seems like I am going to need to focus on relaxation for a long time, and on anything I can think of to heal.  I no longer trust the CAMH women's ward as a therapeutic place for what I am dealing with, should I get too overwhelmed... I will have to find my own answers, at home.  The hospital will only be used if there's an emergency, clearly it was a bad idea to go there last time.  One thing I use is a weighted blanket sometimes to chill out, that helps.  Hot baths are nice as well.

It's probably best, now that I think of it, to give any pot consumption some time before making that attempt, and it's probably best to not come down off of medication until my psyche is 100% confident in itself.  I think part of the reason my channel can be tricky and all over the map is that the psychic region of my soul became sick from the battle that was going on, so now it's a bit beat up, and I can't exactly do what I want to do with it pitch perfectly.  Provable truths do come out from it, but there is a lot of stuff that comes out that is also ungrounded.  Maybe the vayus in the soul need to work out some bad pranic shit... I am also praying like mad to get things in check again.  I'm sure it will all be fine, but it probably needs time to level out.

At this point I would prefer a safe life over an exciting one, if an exciting one meant I was unsafe, so I am willing to work and wait for things to improve before any real fun comes my way.

-Saraƒin

DIY Baptism: Wow, Anglicanism let me down, man...

I always suspected the Church of England was a tad wishy washy... now I know for sure.

I was baptized Anglican as a baby, my parents deciding on this because my Mom was raised Roman Catholic, my Dad a Protestant, so that was their compromise.  But apparently, the baptism ceremony didn't take, and that's exactly why I was so viciously attacked by an evil demon later in life.

I had been receiving automatic drawings of waves of water for years during my battles with this evil force, along with a cross in a heart image (pictured here) and a Chi Rho, trying to figure out what all these symbols were attempting to tell me.  The cross in the heart one and the Chi Rho began appearing after Jesus was invoked - those two really stumped me.  I thought the cross heart was some strange Heart of Jesus invocation shit that only a devout Roman Catholic would understand, so I began reciting all these litanies to both Him and the Virgin Mary, and I even got as far as to invoke enough of His aid that His essence entered my soul, after also being "born again".  But still, this symbol would appear, as if there was something crucial I was lacking in my understanding.

Finally, last night, I was contemplating things again, when it dawned upon me - it was a reference to baptism!  Then I channeled the awful truth - that whomever had performed my Anglican baptism when I was a child was inept, and the damn thing was nothing more than water and words.  There was nothing mystical about it.  So I had zero protection against sinister forces!  (My understanding from reading up on demonic possession is that baptism helps protect the soul, so I would have assumed that this would have helped keep me safe... maybe the church ritual edition is just symbolic, I dunno.  I have to coast on wisdom because I sure as hell can't coast on knowledge here.)

I ended up DIYing my own baptism with Christ... and I was in the bathtub no less, when it hit me what it all meant, the bathtub setting making it funnier.  This, after destroying a sinister demon without one, which caused the Spirit to laugh intensely through my body at the absurdity of the timing.  This wasn't hipster level irony... this was Pet Shop Boys level irony.

Working without a proper baptism meant a degree of hell that I might not have witnessed had the damn priest been attuned enough to deliver the ceremony.  Often I would channel such disgusting shit that to cope, I would idiosyncratically break the fourth wall (at nothing in particular) to stomach what came out.  Now there's another psychic shift and all channeling is beginning to improve again.

(Oh yeah - if you're curious about where some of my recent posts went, I recently had a strange night and got the impression that some of my naughty latex nun posts and the pervy Akashic Records one were offending a grouchy ancestor, but that was an illusion and it was a mistake to delete them... shit.  Oddly enough, the religious porn article survived - go figure.  Mild illusions coming through an imperfect channel mean I have made interpretive mistakes in between being dead on about other things, which is why I am weary about leaping into the world of professional tarot readings just yet.  I still need to grow.  BTW, the latex nun pics of me are back up, together with the post I made about Hallowe'en tarot, so if you want to see those again, go there.  The other two posts are likely not going to go back up at this point, I'm just too lazy to retype them.  But I will probably go back to exploring secret details about things from Akasha again, at least until the Hand of God bitch slaps me over it.)

One other thing - that being "born again" thing is no racket... it actually physically feels fantastic.  Imagine the same sensation throughout your body that you feel after taking a really big, satisfying shit... that tingly glow?  Now imagine that feeling ALL THE TIME.  That's what it feels like affected by this.  It's great!  :)

Seems like the remaining energies of the demon are gone now... not 100% sure, but I am cautiously optimistic.  Still unsure about what it actually was - one of Satan's lieutenants or something.  Or maybe is was Satan himself - would love to use the hashtag #BitchIKilledYourGod on a Satanism forum - haha!  xD  More to come on this matter!

-Saraƒin

My life: What it's like now...

Perhaps it's worth posting something about the positivity in my life right now, considering the darkness I have discussed prior.  Things are actually quite good, and I seem to make everything work, even on a lower budget.

I have a cute little one bedroom apartment in the core of the city, which is hard to come by considering the housing crisis.  Finances, though low, are good, I have no debt, I engage in low budget activities to maintain my financial balance, and am even able to put away money for retirement every two weeks.  Though "poor", I have two phones, and I eat out all the time (I am not much of a cook, that's why), and I am still with a disposable income.  So finances and housing are great right now.  Also, I can get away with only part time work, so I have much free time to engage in art, spirituality, and social activities.  Stress is quite low.  Also, my health is good.

My hobbies are inexpensive - I like karaoke... I have a passion and an eye for thrifting, and often find remarkably cool stuff at thrift stores (the hunt is fun for me).  I tend to only take and buy what I need or perhaps absolutely want (but this is not common, I realize, thanks to the practise of non-attachment, that I don't care to have it all now), I look for sales and deals like a good Taurus, and I am excellent with money.  Sometimes I get to take a trip, sometimes I treat myself to something luxurious, but am not upset if that is not consistent.  I am a Westerner who does not need to constantly be pampered to be satisfied.

My circle of friends is broad and wide - I have more than I can count now.  Certainly there is my core posse, but I do have a great deal of wonderful people in my life whom I consider quite close.  I am also a member of various groups, including the Toronto Comic Jam, and (to a lesser extent now) Mad Pride Toronto.  I designed the Mad Pride Toronto logo, which has since taken off as an internationally recognized symbol of the movement, in various incarnations - now even Mad Pride Paris (France), Mad Pride Derbyshire, and Mad Pride Netherlands, to name some examples, have adopted logos based on my original design.  So that's kind of cool, to have created something that is an official icon now.

My art career isn't booming, but I get the sense it isn't something I want to be in full swing right now.  I have to focus on my soul, that's the most important thing for me at this stage.  Spirit, I get, senses what I need, and provides me with it.  An involved art career would overwhelm me, so I need this downtime.  I am also an indie artist, not a commercial one, so it's never going to be the workload of a commercial artist.  I still plan on working with that television director on the Asylum Squad short film we're planning (the working title is "Madder" - I'd say it's kind of like "Jacob's Ladder" meets "The Craft" in tone and style), it's just that we are in a stage where we need to find the budget for it, and film can in fact take a long time to move forward.

It's nice that a big contingent of spiritually minded people has suddenly landed in my lap - for years, I felt like the group weirdo with what I was living with and feeling, and now these new friends are receptive and it's lovely.  Though I do have atheist/agnostic pals, it's limited when it comes to what we can discuss, since I am so spiritually involved, it is one of the biggest aspects of my life.

So, despite a lack of extravagance, life is good, and possibly even the ideal, considering everything is in balance, money is not a concern, my home is comfortable, my job isn't something I despise.  I plan on stepping up my game when the time is right, but things are not broken, so why bother fixing anything?  I kind of live in the moment, make plans for the future, but don't fret to the degree other Westerners do about this stuff.  I get the sense things will happen as they are meant to now.

-Saraƒin

Kundalini...

The Kundalini (a latent Shakti goddess energy that resides in the Muladhara/root chakra) is an intelligent spiritual power that, when awakened, leads people closer and closer to full spiritual development.  (This is a subject I have discussed briefly on my last blog, but it's worth discussing again here.)

"Kundalini Syndrome" was something I feared I had for a very long time, after psychiatry had convinced me for a while that my demon did not exist.  It is when Kundalini awakens abruptly, or through an imbalanced nadi (channel) and generates painful psychological, physical, and/or emotional states.  Though it's true Kundalini was a part of my journey, it was not the true cause of my suffering, but certainly what I suffered from would have aggravated any strange states Kundalini may have caused, thus it was a perfect storm situation for my unconscious.

I took Kundalini Yoga for about 2 years, until I decided it wasn't doing much more than giving me some exercise and causing me mild hyperventilation while doing Breath of Fire.  A yogi I talked to suggested that this yoga only be practised by those wishing to initiate the Kundalini, not kundalites who are active, as I was.  Once or twice, I came home from a yoga session, with some strange psychic states that caused me anxiety.  So, I put it to rest, and later took up my own brand of Bhakti Yoga (the "Yoga of Devotion"), like the lazy Taurus I am.  My practise involves consistent prayer and devotion to various gods and figures, and using channeling, tarot, and other means to obtain hidden knowledge so as to know how to proceed in growth and development.  Opening to Akasha was the watershed I needed to receive true knowledge to get this wretched, son of a bitch demon to finally die - prior, I did often channel the Spirit, but without the Akashic Records open, the knowledge was limited.  I was rather cut off from it.

Some of the Kundalini phenomena I have experienced includes: mudra hand gestures, kumbhaka breathing patterns, psychic phenomena, strange yogic postures and movements, stronger ties to Divinity, glossolalia, and some weird convulsions that were so intense I actually had to get an EEG scan done because doctors thought I was having seizures (my brain is fine, BTW).  The way I got the stranger stuff under control was through prayer work - for some, their yoga would require extensive stretches, physical postures and breath work... for me, it was about prayer and contemplation, which is in some ways why I identify a lot with Christian mystics I have read about.  St Teresa of Avila's book, "The Interior Castle", discusses the metaphor of a crystal castle with seven mansions... clearly, the castle is the soul, and the mansions are the chakras, and this is her western mystical interpretation of the same process.  (It's a good read, if you can tolerate how she has a tendency to throw womankind under the bus, but as a clever woman living during the Inquisition, she had to play her cards right and act a certain way to preserve her work, and her life.)

I feel I have gotten past the treacherous, tricky stage of Ajna chakra, which can be hard to get by for some, I have read.  I am not yet at Sahasrara, but instead at some point in either Upper Ajna or even higher.  The demon seems to have been an effect on my Anahata, so with that blocked off, it made things pretty tricky.  Now that it seems to be clearing, so is the picture getting clearer, and I get the sense things will be more of a cakewalk for me, at least when compared to the horrors of the past.

I may write more about Kundalini stuff later, as I make further progress in my growth.

-Saraƒin

Marijuana...

Now that pot has been legalized in Canada, and now that my demon's energy field seems to be waning, I am beginning to consider that I may one day again be able to consume this wonderful plant.  I am even beginning to channel that this will indeed be a possibility.

Cannabis has a very peculiar reaction in my brain, where I go into these amazing visionary states, rather like ayahuasca trips, only that my unconscious is such a ludicrous place that I get visions of mostly cartoony stuff that is wild and over the top.  I have described some of this prior, as "active imagination", and marijuana only makes it all the more lush.  If I pop on a pair of headphones while this is happening, whatever I am witnessing visually dances in sync with the music, as though a music video is being created on the spot, and I am mesmerized.  All of it is drenched in hilarity and the fact that pot turns people into laughing idiots anyway adds to that effect.  There are cuts and edits like in a film, transitions, sometimes even credits roll or something... I have even had visions all pixelated like from a 16 bit video game.  I really do hope I can safely explore this again, because it was so amazing and pot is pretty affordable and easy to obtain - all of Toronto basically smells like a skunk's hindquarters because of the new laws in effect.

Now that I am reading the Akashic Records, I bet it will be even more amazing - before, it was just my personal unconscious, from what I gathered.  I will definitely be generating art based on any trips I take if and when I start smoking grass again, and post these works to my blog.  (I also got something that called itself "The Poetry Task Force", which was crazy disjointed poetry that had little to no meaning but rhymed beautifully and had excellent rhythm - often it would sync over the beat of any music I was listening to... so let's say I was playing some silly 90s eurodance number, like "Rhythm of the Night" by Corona, I would hear added lyrics over the beat of the song, often poetry, while I ignored the main lyrics with my conscious.)

I am slightly worried this could become an addiction, because of how incredible smoking pot is for me... I certainly don't want to become one of those potheads who smokes so much grass that they begin to look like the plant itself.  You know the type... white person with dreads or green hair, green army khakis, pot leaf bandanna, yellowing complexion.  These types smoke so much their farts probably get surrounding people high... they want to become the plant.  No, I don't want that to be me, after MY journey.  <_<

At least now it's legal, though.  Psilocybin is probably a real trip for me now too.  I'll consider eating mushrooms sometime, maybe.  Better start downloading some Israeli psytrance or something for the psychological journeys I might soon be taking!

-Saraƒin

PS: To anyone agitated by my lack of recent Asylum Squad comic updates, sorry about the delay... mild block in my drive to create.  A new page is being finished right now, and I may even have it up by tomorrow.  Just the backgrounds need adding, then it's off to the copy centre for a reduced size page, and then scanned, toned, and posted.  Hope that eases any frustration!

Homosexuality and the Bible...

Here is that sermon I mentioned from the Metropolitan Community Church of Toronto about homosexuality and the Bible.  It brilliantly shoots down homophobic arguments people often use against LGBTQ+ people when citing the Bible as some sort of moral source.  Long, but worth it, if you're interested in religious studies.

-Saraƒin

Working with angels...

Angels started to become a prominent feature in my spirituality after invoking Christ.  Certainly, I have a feeling they were a part of things prior to that, based on having seen the apparition of an angel with a trumpet after St Jude came into my practice.  There have been quite a few I have prayed to, including some lesser known ones (such as Lauviah, Seheiah, Mebahiah, and also Jeremiel, Mitzrael, and Lamechial, to give some examples), but the big three for me are Metatron, Gabriel, and Michael.

Metatron is the angel I invoked through Christ, and seems like the strongest influence.  He has been the finest influence on my psyche, bringing me to a higher state of intelligence, a saner mind, and a general feeling of calm and clarity within the psyche, a feeling of being less overwhelmed.  He also seemed to send energies into me using the smudge of sweetgrass when fighting the nasty thing I have been dealing with.  He is a seraph, the highest order of angel in angel lore, and though not discussed much in Christiandom (I think this is because he is not brought up much in the Bible, if at all - don't quote me on that), he is a big deal in Judaism, especially Kabbalah.  Some think Enoch became Metatron, I don't know what I believe in this matter, but I know this influence has been a gift to me.

Gabriel was an angel I felt I channeled when my Dad was dying, and I wonder if it was the reason his passing was so graceful, quick, and smooth.  Apparently, he was lying peacefully asleep when he suddenly passed, and he never even suffered any pain throughout his decline (some mental anguish, sure, but no physical pain at all).  Not sure what Gabriel might have done for him, if I did in fact work with him for Dad, but I like to think he supported him as he crossed over.  I also prayed to Gabriel to watch over my stepdad, who had his own recent set of health struggles, and now my stepdad feels somewhat more connected to "something" than before.  Not sure if my prayers for others always work, but I like to put them out there anyway.

My Mom is a major Michael fangirl, so when I finally invoked that angel (it took a lot of trial and error) I asked that he increase her workings with him.  Michael seemed to be a powerful aid in finishing off this dreadful pest of a demon.  At one point when I worked with him, it felt like the temperature of my soul had suddenly gone up - this was a kind of strengthening effect, I think.  A St Michael prayer card now sits on my shrine, and I like to recite the St Michael prayer at the church I often go to.

(I wanted to get a Metatron statue for my shrine, but the only one I can find in the city is too big for it, and pricey.  There's a smaller one I have found that I may order from the web, but right now I just represent him with a cloth with Metatron's Cube on it, and a card of him.)

-Saraƒin

Regrets...

Having been through the strange spiritual horrors of my youth and early adulthood, there are many regrets about the conduct I have demonstrated throughout all of this.  Some mistakes have led to alienation from friends, peers, and associates.  It's really sad to see the (hopefully not permanent) damage that may have been done to some relationships - apart from the suicide attempt scars on my wrists during a particularly dark spell, not much harm came of my body, but I lost friends to strange and sometimes nasty behaviours that I demonstrated when this all began, before I learned how to handle things better.  And to those I alienated, I say to you now - I am sorry.

Certainly strong feelings about others were demonstrated in the comics of "The Psychosis Diaries" - I consider that book the literary equivalent of an emotional enema.  Having no genuine therapy while in hospital for that year (it was a dreadful place), no one to turn to for any real counsel other than reminders to accept a diagnosis I did not have and to behave myself, looming issues in the outside world, and little to no friends who cared to visit me, life was punishingly hard, and so comics became my outlet of expression, because to raise my voice or even cry could mean punishment, or at least higher doses of medication.  Looking back at that book, it is a very angry piece, and hard for even me to read through again, it is certainly not how I feel about things now.  I would say, what remains is a kind of sorrow, not anger, and perhaps mild fear that there are some bridges I can never repair now.  Everything I went through was just too brutal a psychological experience to consider the long term effects of things I would express in my comics, certainly the dark one had heavily influenced the emotions and beliefs about my situation.

Now that things are growing lighter, I feel like I am coming out of a panic-stricken, emotional spell.  It's not quite completely gone, but it is far greater than it has ever been since this began, and certainly I have grown greatly as a human being.  I feel I have mostly, if not entirely, made peace with my shadow psyche, and have a better sense of self now as well.  Thank god for (affordable) Jungian analysis, which has been one of the greatest blessings.

I shall have to make another post once I am convinced any "residue" from the dark one is gone completely.  Its death seems incremental.

-Saraƒin