Thursday, 7 March 2019

Divine Love...

Love is a very complex thing for me.  On the one hand, having been harmed physically by several men, having suffered a great deal of heartbreak in life, love leaves me rather embittered when it comes to my relations, particularly with the opposite sex.  I don't expect it to come my way in the form of a significant other - if it does, I will be pleased, but I am trying to prepare myself for a lifetime without a partner.  I am trying to "divorce" myself from the romantic notion that there's a special someone for every person, and one just has to find them... I think that's a lofty idea, and that this kind of love isn't for everyone.  I don't have crushes anymore, but there is still a yearning for a worldly partner, to some extent.  It would be much easier if I could just erase this amorous desire, one which is based more on cravings for psychologically intimate friendships over anything remotely erotic.

However, love is a VERY powerful factor in another way in my life, in a profound sense, one that I think most humans, at least all seekers, desire.  I feel saturated with love from Divinity, something I feel deeply in my soul at all hours of the day.  It's a kind of lightness of being, a tingle, a sense of peace with whatever comes my way, that the universe cares about me and protects me.  I feel this in all places I reside, but especially in sacred spaces, such as churches or the convent.  Hence, why I so enjoy the convent stays, because it's like being immersed in this sensation of Divine bliss.  Sometimes I crave church environments the way a dehydrated person craves water.

It's kind of like a beauty I can't really describe, the same way one would find it a challenge to describe what makes a certain wine fine to someone who has never tasted wine, or colour to one who only sees in black and white.  All I can say is I feel lighter now, and a glowing kind of sensation penetrates me.  This began in my chest through my Christ opening, but now extends throughout my body, as though all over.  There is an ease in living that was not there before, a love of stillness and simplicity, a craving for solitude but also greater joy in the company of others... a desire to share but also to listen more.  (BTW, I may seem rather snarky on here at times because of my foul mouth, but in reality I have a very quiet and subtle nature, which may come as a surprise - I have learned to listen more in conversation.)

When I am alone in my bed, as I have mentioned before, the Spirit supplements my desire for human touch with a caress from my hand, stroking my face, squeezing my other hand, embracing me, as though with the arms of a lover.  This is enough to keep me from getting lonely, when living alone gets to be a little too much.  Perhaps, if I am meant to remain single, this is all I need to get through life.  After all, God's love is eternal, He will never leave me - a lover could cheat or leave, or at least die before I do.

I am also very fortunate to have a great number of good friends and a kind family, so there's that kind of love in my life as well.


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