Saturday, 25 April 2020

Why I don't feel like putting myself out there anymore...

For the past couple of years, I have felt a desire to cease promotion of myself as an artist.  This really got strong after my Dad died, and has remained intact since then, perhaps even stronger now at this point.  I completed "Asylum Squad", which was not so much bittersweet as it was a relief, as I was getting sick of working on it anyway.  I got the final book into the printers recently, but then COVID-19 took hold of us all, and I have no idea when the book will be printed.  This is a bit of a drag, but in a way I just don't care.  I am a has-been as artists go, as far as I can tell - no one is talking about me anymore, no one approaches me about projects.  My art career, if it ever was, is dead, and I am not sure if it can or will be revived.  Feeling the need to still create something, I blog on here and occasionally do some silly painting, but I feel gross about promoting myself.  I find it tacky and counterintuitive to enlightenment.  I should be distancing myself from grandiose self promotion, not engaging that kind of thing if I truly desire to leave this world behind, never to return.  That is the idea I have right now, anyway.  I don't want to ever come back to this place.

So, part of me feels self promotion could harm my chances at higher levels of psychospiritual evolution, but I am also fearful of ridicule, taking on the Sister Penance persona, and disputing common psychological ideas, claiming I fought a demon.  Enough morons out there would probably love to hurt me somehow - I know of enough women creatives online who have been harassed by malicious people who didn't like what they had to say.  I will continue to create these articles and express how I feel, but I won't promote them.  My traffic on here is low, and maybe it's for the best that it remain that way, for my personal safety and humility.  The internet can be a terrifying place for women.

I am not sure if abuse has led me to conclude these ideas, or if they genuinely make sense.  I am still rather frail in some ways, from legal, psychiatric, sexual, spiritual, and psychological humiliations and abuse, and am trying to feel my way back to optimum health.  I suspect society (even though this doesn't make sense) has zero respect for me, and that this can't be remedied, unless by some miracle I became loaded financially.  I am too exhausted to make another major project, and I don't expect the world to even care.  I try my best to remind myself that my immediate relations are all healthy, and not to see society as some strange oppressive entity that judges me because of the past.  But the past still haunts me, I still feel the shame of the court room, of the psychiatric unit, and I don't know how to fully move on.  I assume that I am undesirable in many respects, and I can never know emotional relief from all traumas.  Still, I press on and try the best I can to transcend feeling anything for any of what happened.  I am hoping my form of asceticism means that I can transcend the ingrained western desire for material achievement, and find peace in having nothing.  If I achieve this, I will desire nothing, I will find riches wealth could not provide for me, I will be fine regardless of outcome.  And hopefully, I will never return here again.  The world is strict with me, so I will be stricter.

My problems are not psychosis - they are weariness from abuse, and a broken heart.  I am not sure how to heal from all, but I am not giving up.  My 20s were horror, my 30s were dull - as I approach 40, I don't know what to expect, but I hope to know some degree of liberation from this sadness I have had to learn to live with.


UPDATE:  I suppose some of this austerity I inflict upon myself is a result of institutionalization, and its effect on my self worth.  After this, a year in CAMH, and many other hospitalizations both before and after that time, I feel valueless in society, my dreams have died, I don't expect to succeed in the art world, and I don't have any completed college or university training, nor do I feel like I could bring myself to pursue any - and if I did, it wouldn't mean much anyway, no one is getting hired, and I'm a 37 year old without as little as a BA.  Becoming a nun was one option, but even the Spirit told me it's not meant to be - I love God, but not as a spouse... rather, as a parental figure.  So I sit with my tarot cards and attempt to refine myself, not sure of what else to do.  Spirit says my future is bright, but I am just not so sure.  One thing is for certain - I wasn't meant to be who I thought I was.  (If you think I'm too stern with myself, remember that even Buddha had a starvation period to try and achieve enlightenment, so understand that seekers try many things to get it right.)

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