Thursday, 16 April 2020

Asexuality and my spirituality...

I had a phone session today with my analyst where I finally used my psychic technique to interpret insight about my unconscious, where my ego conscious might be stumped.  It proved to be a useful tool for therapy, and now he thinks we should keep resorting to it as a means of getting to the bottom of psychological quirks and conflicts, for added insight.  Some of the things that came of the readings were quite rich in detail, and I was glad he agreed we should keep trying it out.

One thing that I finally read about psychically was my asexuality, and why I came into this world with that as my orientation.  The answer was that I am an ancient soul who has explored sex to death throughout the ages, and see no further reason to continue doing so, having no need for it, not wanting to produce a child in this lifetime.  Alternative lifestyle stuff fascinates me, but I do not associate it with sex, it's like a fun thing for the mind to consider, but that's as close as I get to any of it.  I'm quite asexual, even for that crowd.

Growing up, I always found sex extremely basic, silly, and was mildly offended by people assuming that one day something would just click and I would suddenly change my mind, implying that I didn't know myself well enough in this regard.  I dislike the culture of sex, finding it seedy when low brow, pretentious when "tastefully done".  I am a major prude, but I have learned to watch myself around my more allosexual friends, so as not to seem like a total killjoy.  I have also regarded sex, on the receiving end, as a violation of my body, a total chore at best.  Let's just say that between having sex and scrubbing the toilet, I'm more excited about buying Toilet Duck than I am about buying sex toys and condoms.  Sex stores are fun to go in and laugh at what oddities are available for sale... some of the clothes are cool in a silly way, but that's it.  As sappy as this sounds, I find fits of laughter much more intimate and passionate than sexuality.  God, I'm such a nun.

You might think that being a rape victim was especially hard for me, being asexual, but in a way, I think being Ace made it less traumatic than it could have been.  Since sex is not important to me at all, I was able to shut my mind off from the act, see it as an offensive violation that came and went, left no physical repercussions, and I moved on.  Either I am stone cold, or being Ace has its advantages in ways that most people probably don't even realize.

I think I radiate a "don't you dare hit on me" vibe that sensible men pick up on, and that's why I am not hit on by many.  Obtuse guys either aren't sensitive enough to sense it, or they ignore it and proceed to say or do something lecherous, until I shut them down firmly with words so strange it makes bad men flaccid faster than you can say prostate cancer.  I am bored with what average masculinity has become, and it seems I attract the worst quality men out there.  Other asexuals, some of whom are particularly attractive, report that they are not often hit on either, no matter how they dress... so maybe there's a subtle vibe Aces give off that others sense, and allosexuals just know that it's not going to lead to anything.

I'm kind of glad that with COVID-19, PDAs (public displays of affection) are illegal now.  When a passionate kissing scene happens in a movie, I have to look away as if it was surgery.  One Ace friend and I love to emit the saxophone riff from George Michael's "Careless Whisper" whenever we see a nearby couple being smoochy.  I never got the appeal of tongue kissing either.  (I'm a robot.)

George Michael - "Careless Whisper" ... (I don't get it.)


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