Being my own therapist and guide...

As scary as this may sound to some (especially mental health professionals), I think I have arrived at a place where I am mostly going to have to rely on my own inner guide to solve my problems, and I wonder if that's what entering the 40s is about for me.  I say this not just because my set of problems are so richly bizarre that I doubt most would be specialized enough to offer counsel, but that perhaps if I am becoming an archetypal wounded healer type, there comes a point in the process of transformation where one simply has to take a leap of faith and do it on their own.

It's not to say I won't accept help, but I will only accept help that makes sense.  For that reason, it's important to me that only medical labels that make sense be applied to my file - so, if severe PTSD is now what CAMH considers my case (if the SCID was taken seriously), I will accept that, as that will at least validate some of my childhood and young adulthood traumas.  It's frustrating that my greatest trauma, possession, won't be validated as real.  I guess that's why I crave religious attention, because religion might be the authority that says "Yes Sarah, that happened to you, you are not ill to believe in it".  It's not that I would do religion well as a regular member, being an eclectic, but maybe I could have more religious friends.  I know some ministers and priests, and being in discussion with them, a little, has been validating.  It's just not something I am likely to have taken seriously on my medical file.  Sigh.

I have forced myself to get more into cooking, I might have mentioned that already - I am stunned at how much money I save just relying on groceries.  I figured, spoons or not (in the neurodivergent lingo sense, in this case), it's time I be better about duties like that, now that cleaning is another I am getting better with.  So, when I examine everything, I am definitely improving, I am more in control of my microcosm, there's just bad nights sometimes.

I have decided I will return to work in June, if all goes well, with one shift a week, to ease back in.  My employer has been excellent, and I am very happy there was no trouble in getting the time off I needed to bounce back.  The warm weather is coming and I look forward to picnics and parties.  I am probably going back to the Carmelite monastery at the end of May, and again with friends in August.  

I need to visit the Little Flower again for prayers.

-Saraƒin