Tuesday, 14 January 2020

A rather unfortunate "premonition"...

God, I miss "Duckman"!

Hey, sinners -

I had to call my pharmacist this morning and ask to be raised back to 60 mg of Latuda due to some slightly spooky channeled messages I have been getting since last night.  They're not threatening, they're warning me of the possibility of a hospital stay on the horizon, so to try to avoid this, I thought maybe 60 mg is a dose I should stay on a bit longer.  But the more that comes out, the more it seems that hospitalization might be unavoidable.  The good news, based on this information, is that it means a progress in my consciousness (ultimately) - something in my neurology might be shifting, but that means a vulnerable state could be coming, so I would need to be in a safe environment.  Toronto is a busy city, I am downtown, and I live alone in a one bedroom apartment.

I have no idea if this is truly a premonition or just psychic noise, but I am being cautious anyway.  I have a tendency to self-harm lightly when I panic - I don't self-harm to punish myself, and I don't do anything damaging.  Rather, I smack myself around and I choke myself a little until the Spirit pulls my hands away from doing so.  It's an old behaviour pattern from a rough childhood that has been hard to curb, especially when my soul was in turmoil.  Because of this, and because of my living situation, I might need to check in if something goes funny with my ego.

I have read that certain seekers at higher levels experience a kind of "ego death" or something that can literally, for some, feel like dying, and Spirit says He wants me safe.  I guess I might be approaching the Seventh Mansion of the Castle of the Soul, as St. Teresa of Avila would put it, if this sort of thing is what I think it is.  Unfortunately, because I can't be in a peaceful place in the country where life is simple, CAMH might have to suffice.  I just hope that, if this is actually something to pay attention to, those idiot doctors don't just crank up the meds and ignore everything I have to say.  I am not impressed with psychiatric medicine in Toronto, and CAMH seems to think that any unusual psychological state MUST mean an illness, and not necessarily growing pains.  So stupid.

In the meantime, I am going to watch myself and not busy my mind too much.  I had a rough night for sleep last night, and was slightly fearful.  My emotions have also been slightly odder than usual.  Otherwise, things are fine, and I don't believe this has to do with any demon.


UPDATE: I decided to go back down to 40 mg in case this is a false alarm.  If hospitalization does happen, so be it.  Not like I'm not used to it at this point.  I have been fine on 40 mg since before Christmas... I don't want to spoil my progress now because of some random channeled message.  Besides, if this is about consciousness shifting, it might be better that I ride it out with the lower dose for the sake of my brain adapting to change.  We'll see what happens... here's hoping it's just the subconscious babbling nonsense again.

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