Mostly, I have turned a major corner in my recovery, but I still wrestle with sleep issues. Bedding down is the problem - most nights, I have to take something to help me nod off, because I can't still my psyche. I am not sure if this is trauma related, or kundalini related, or perhaps a combination of both. I often have to switch where I sleep, from my bed to my couch, to try and catch some winks, it's extremely frustrating. Sometimes, I can get to bed, but then I wake up in the middle of the night, and can't get back to sleep. As a result of all of this, I dread it when the sun goes down, knowing that the darkness is a time of struggle for me. (I suspect the shadows of the mind are still a bit strange because of my fight with the dark spirit, so they may come out to haunt me in the subconscious when it's time to get to bed. I don't know how to fight them except to keep experimenting with alternative medicine, conventional medicine does nothing.)
I keep having dreams with themes of the devil in them, but the themes are always funny - in one, I dreamt that my karaoke host friend was the devil, in another, that another friend had a pet mini goat - all black, and I broke into song with "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John, changing the lyrics so that it was "Tiny Devil". Then, just last night, a cheesy satanic soap opera. None of these were unfunny, so I guess I just have themes of dark spirit on my mind, but my soul is free, and laughing about it.
Sigh - I do wish I had a therapist again sometimes, but I feel like I need a specialist, and I couldn't get into online therapy when my Jungian stopped in-person therapy in Toronto. Opening up about possession is usually a bad idea, because doctors and therapists want to treat it like a delusion. This is a lonely position to be in, but not as lonely as possession itself. I worry a lot about aging, that I'm not quite nailing good health yet, and about not fully recovering from the trauma I have known before I am an elder. I feel so tired all the time, there's no way I could ever work full time, I would snap. It forces me to watch every dime, I even quit regular trips to the thrift store, so I could put more money away by the end of the month.
I'm still longing to go on a trip, maybe I should treat myself.
-Saraƒin
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