Last month, I achieved a new level of calm in the mind, and into June, the healing continues. I am still avoiding THC now, I get the sense it can no longer be medicinal. The last time I consumed it, I got a powerful message to stop, so I did - I still have some left over, but I think I will just use it as offerings to the gods when I pray. All shadows are gone - perhaps mild awkwardness remains in the form of little whispers from the subconscious, but there are no "devils" to speak of. I light candles and pray to St. Jude to take away any desire I have for marijuana - my goal was to use it medicinally, then to let it go, because I have no interest in being a recreational marijuana smoker whatsoever. (I'm also thinking that perhaps I won't touch psilocybin after all - something flowered in me where I probably don't need it.)
Consuming THC regularly probably meant mild memory problems and fatigue, so as I let it go, I expect those side effects to go away. Certainly, I am losing anxiety over my lungs now - they never got that bad, but I wanted to stop when I could, I felt smoking was the finest way of getting the medicine, at least for the soul. Other methods just weren't cutting it. God had promised me it was temporary, it looks like the time has come to let it go, I am relieved.
The art opening was fun - I met another artist presenting, there were over 400 pieces, great work. It feels wonderful to be presenting in galleries again. I had a sadness when I wasn't as involved in the arts because of self doubt, and now that feeling is lifting. I still have no plans for new comics, although I do jam sometimes with other cartoonists. Illustration is what I'm concentrating on these days.
Just for fun now - I recently decided my Hogwarts house is not Ravenclaw after all, not having the booksmarts of that house, but I am instead a classic example of Gryffindor, which is what I used to say in my 20s because of my name. I was going through a phase where I identified heavily with Luna Lovegood, perhaps because of how unusual my life is, but as I turned a corner in healing and saw a stronger sense of self come forward, I came to identify more with Gryffindor traits.
(Perhaps I have traits from all four houses, even Slytherin, but Gryffindor makes the most sense to me at this point - time to change what my profile says.) lol
-Saraƒin
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