Looking through my Instagram photos...

I was just scrolling through old Instagram photos from not even a year and a half ago, and I've come a long way in my healing, it definitely shows.  I remember that, at the time, there was still such horror, a terrible strain that affected me no matter what dosage of Latuda I was on - I knew it was spiritual.  I knuckled down with a lot of folk magick and kept at it, I used THC daily for a while, and now, it feels like something truly awful has lifted.  It was as though I carried a "sin" at Manipura that was not my own, like a ball and chain, and I had to shed it, something wrong with the energy body.  My Hara must have been really off, but the Ashwagandha root recently seemed to take care of something at navel level.  I know it sounds like I am hard on myself, but I cringe at my appearance when I look back, and I know it's why many were strange with me.  I never acted out, fought through the pain, and even when I contemplated suicide and self injured (mildly), I held on, and felt Spirit keep telling me things would turn out ok.

Part of being the wounded healer type is first healing yourself, so maybe I have a call, down the road.  I will continue to do folk magick, but now it seems to be about building personal power moreso than healing an aura.  Certain levels of life seem effortless right now, even though I could always use more money than my current income.  But not spending money is another way of making money, so despite my thirst for thrifting, it's still just thrifting, and mostly I have put more away than I used to.

I am confident Latuda will one way be a pill of the past, but I am still being cautious, because I feel the Crown chakra adjusting, and the city is a big, noisy place.  Buddhists, for one, wouldn't frown upon use of the antipsychotic, in cases like this.  It's just a shame one has to deal with irrelevant ideas attached to taking them.  The DSM really needs the right code, when transformative psychology becomes a syndrome.

-Saraƒin

Gotu Kola...

I went back to Herbie's Herbs during the great storm that led to floods in Toronto yesterday, to purchase Gotu Kola, another herb I wanted to try as a smudge, to help with the crown chakra, after I was contemplating herbs and thought it was worth it to try this one as well.  I got home, lit a charcoal, sprinkled some over it, and felt a calm in my mind as I did so.  I am not sure if the results are as dramatic as what I got with Ashwagandha (I am still feeling equally calm in Manipura, BTW), but for $9.00 a bag, why not keep the herb around?  I may turn to it, here and there, just to coax a response.

I have been doing this blog since 2018, shortly before I tackled my problem with the entity, and it has gone from being a place of solving myself out of conflict, to a site about regular updates regarding mental and spiritual health, and art.  I have come a long way since my initial problems with spiritual emergency (and the battle with psychiatric services, which refuse to acknowledge spiritual emergency) - I am shy to look back and read previous articles, I have deleted many out of this shyness, I am not one to heavily self promote, because of my fears of hostility from the internet, and what any form of fame may bring.  I donned this latex nun habit, as a satirist, because I was, for the longest time, never taken seriously in ways I wanted to be, so I chose to revel in it, to laugh with my enemies.  Many had decided I was no good, I have been shunned and oppressed, so I chose to present as the "worst nun" while I laughed at the idea that I could ever be a nun, when I considered it.

I am not sure what direction this blog may take down the road, but it looks to be simply a place where I make updates on my art career, while I get on with things, and re-establish myself.

-Saraƒin

More smudging with the Ashwagandha root...

Yesterday, I felt directed to smudge a bit more with the Ashwagandha root, this time targeting the root chakra, and today, the crown.

Last night, after a smudging session, I felt strange reactions throughout the soul, while the guides told me to calm, because it was just something changing in Muladhara, which I guess was also a little bit unhealthy, but maybe not as bad as Manipura, at one point.  I woke up feeling fine, and was then directed to smudge the crown, to help with higher consciousness.  Spirit writing suggests my soul is now much healthier - certainly, the navel centre was the worst, and still remains calm and soothed, days later.  I suppose now I just have to wait for the mind throughout to calm out of these knots and flaws in consciousness, the equilibrium I seek is coming.

I did a funny little reel of me dancing in my strait-jacket on Instagram and TikTok, so if you follow me on there, you can view it.  Sort of psychedelic, set to "All The Madmen" by David Bowie - it was Bastille Day yesterday, which is the day of the annual Bed Push for Mad Pride Toronto, and I wanted to do a contribution to Mad Pride as a reel.

I am not even sure how active the local scene is these days - the pandemic kind of killed a lot, and although Toronto is the birthplace of Mad Pride, it's not the most active scene right now.

-Saraƒin

Still feeling good today!

After karaoke last night, I had a refreshingly satisfying sleep, not something I always experience, and woke to find that my soul still felt free of soreness.  Last night, before bed, I smudged again with the Ashwagandha root, this time calling to the Orisha Nana Buluku.  Time will tell for sure, but I think I did something major.  I now recommend this root to anyone who feels they suffer from auric problems.

It sickens me that the prevailing attitude in my region about encountering God seems to be that God should be a boring mystery, not a rich adventure full of visions, encounters with angelic entities, and downloads from Heaven.  The result is a system that will oppress mystics, seers, shamans, which is what Asylum Squad emphasizes with its concluding twist.  Gifts will be seen as brain disease, even without scientific proof of any disease.  I wonder how CAMH would treat a Carmelite nun - would she be allowed her faith, or would the psychiatrist force a diagnosis to control the situation?  I am not sure what treatment would be for the mystic elsewhere in the world, but Toronto is a lobotomy for the soul.  Doctors need to learn that just because an idea is atheistic, that doesn't make it scientific.

We can do better.  I pray that others who are in spiritual crisis get what they need.

-Saraƒin

Ashwagandha root...

Some interesting healing news from today:

I was out for a long stroll, as brisk walks throughout the city are one way I get my exercise, when I decided to wander into Herbie's Herbs on Queen St West, an excellent store for natural remedies and alternative medicine.  I had prayed to the Spirit to direct my attention to anything in the store that could be beneficial in my healing journey.

The Spirit guided my eyes to fall on a bag of Ashwagandha root, which was about $11.40 for quite a bit of it. Not sure of what its use was, I looked it up on my phone, and found its magickal properties to be effective for chakra healing and mental health.  Satisfied that, at $11.40 + tax, I might as well buy it and give it a shot, I took it home and lit a charcoal, using it as a smudge, after calling in the 7 Directions.

After several minutes and several rounds of a pinch of the root, I began to feel calming, soothing sensations at navel level.  Then I got a download that said: "Only two more bowls, and then you don't need to do anymore".  After doing so, I got the sense to stop, and felt a great calm come over me.

Often when I smudge, my body reacts with deep inhales, but I had never found the right medicine to solve certain levels of pain at Manipura.  I am suspecting that this might have done at least something, because for the rest of the day, I was pain free, and quite relaxed.

I will have to see how this continues - tonight, I shall enjoy some more karaoke, along with a couple of pints, to celebrate.

-Saraƒin

Omnibus delay...

Just a little update about the current state of the omnibus project:

My friend and I are a bit behind schedule with putting it together, and it might not even be available for a while.  But we are still compiling it, it's just that our lives have been busy with other things, and we can only get together intermittently.  I will post updates on this blog as things progress with it.

I felt another level of release from my strain the other day, probably from all the folk magick I have been practising.  My gut just feels a little less shitty, like the mind is going to be ok in that region.  I was having premonitions of milestones in healing - the next big one I am getting might be in August of this year.  If my cholesterol does not go down from all the dietary changes I have made, I may soon ask my GP to lower my Latuda a bit, since I think I might be able to get away with it at this point.

The Hallowe'en decorations are already starting to creep into the stores, and anyone who knows me well knows what that means - time to play goth Martha Stewart!  I have already bought a ceramic coffin shaped  serving platter, and a hanging skull planter, to add to my witch doctor aesthetic.  I have decided on a simpler Hallowe'en costume for this year - Santa Muerte, which will mostly be from items and articles I already own.  I just want to get a skull mask, maybe a crown of roses on a headband, I'm not going to bother with the items She clutches in iconography.  A nice, easy costume that won't take long to put together at all, and won't cost too much money.

If I tone enough with exercise, I might go as Wonder Woman some year, or something like that, just to feel good in my new body.  Not the most exciting or original costume by any means, but Diana is a badass, so why not?

-Saraƒin

Orisha...

I have done this a bit in the past as well, but now I am experimenting once more with prayers to the Orisha.  A couple, in particular, seemed to have created a reaction, and now I feel a bit more relaxed in the solar plexus region.  Sometimes, I get a rush after lighting one of their candles and uttering some prayers, a sign there might be a change.  The problem at this point seemed to be disharmony at the navel region of the mind, while the ego has been strong in me for a long time, the subconscious felt addled and disturbed - now, less so.  I have concluded there's very little western mainstream medicine can do for my current state, so, alternative medicine and folk magick it has to be.  Like piano lessons, this stuff only really starts to work for you after years of intense commitment to practising it, which is what I tell the skeptics.  Treating God like a lab experiment where you go into it as a skeptic and demand proof to satisfy your ego gets you nowhere, you have to take it seriously and commit - faith helps with the act of will, and will commands the result.

I am still not smoking THC anymore - it served its purpose, though.  It has been over a month since my last joint.  I lit many candles to St. Jude to overcome that little hurdle where the old smoker in me loved to light one up in the morning with breakfast... that craving is now gone.  I guess the health benefits of using daily doses of THC is proof alone to any psychiatrist who pays attention that this was not literally a schizophrenia spectrum disorder, but instead about deep rooted trauma and spiritual transformation.  The THC did something with consciousness where it just felt bumped ahead a bit, and the ego began to feel more in charge.  What a relief, and what a joke that I ever took any advice that this stuff was going to fuck me up - I just needed to get further along in my healing before taking it up again as a medicine.  Now, I let it go, my lungs are very happy.

In fact, the only thing that's really stressing me out right now is an ongoing noise issue in my building.  I live under one of our two laundry rooms, and when one of the machines goes into spin mode, it rattles something in the walls, which disturbs me in my unit.  Last night, some jerk was doing laundry in the middle of the night (no one is supposed to after 10:30 pm) and the rattling was once again set off, waking me up.  Ugh!  I have been trying to tackle this with my building, but, typical Saraƒin, I'm also lighting candles to the gods and commanding that this be solved as quickly as possible, in any way possible. lol

Also, my weight loss goals have been achieved - I have lost 50 lbs since my dieting journey began!  All the exercise must have knocked off another 15 lbs.  I am very happy to be slim again!

-Saraƒin