Interesting...

I recently discussed diagnosis a bit more with a scientist friend who helped me out with my file.  According to her, psychiatrists are supposed to consider a person's religious interpretation, and the exact quality of the experience, for a diagnosis to be given - otherwise, it's not a solid diagnosis.  In my case, I had to learn that, according to DSM V, what I had was not literally voice hearing or hallucinations, but an internal experience that doctors failed to screen properly.  Perhaps they thought that, despite me claiming a religious experience that is common to many religions, because I wasn't fully as involved in my personal practice, they could disregard that rule.  But it was practice and spiritual discipline (mostly Christian, some non-Christian practises, too) that saved me, and is part of what helps me to heal.  With that in mind, I am pissed that I wasn't treated well, and it compromised meaning in my work.  Great, now the art world knows me a certain way because of misrepresentation, and it's all psychiatry's fault.

I hope there comes a day where I feel I can look at my file with confidence, but I don't feel strong enough yet.  I am so embarrassed about mental health awareness not getting Asylum Squad, because of all of this.  What a mess, I hope my career does not look ridiculous.

Going forward, most of my art is going to be about the soul, in protest of what my image became because of mishandling and bad PR.  If you are understanding this site exists, and you saw my work, thinking it was about schizophrenia, please understand - I never had it, and now the hospital agrees, too.  I have something Dr. Jung might understand better, but the hospital thinks Jung is a fruitcake, so I can forget about getting their sympathy.

Maybe one day, my artist's image will look the way it should.  Being psychiatrized really affects everything.

-Saraƒin

Don't fear the reefer - marijuana is working!

Based on where I am this year (as opposed to where I was last winter) with healing, and considering all factors, I am now very certain THC (smoked) is all I may need to defeat boring levels of suffering.  I was worried I may need something more expensive (or not quite legal, or grey zone legal), but incrementally, I am worlds better than I was, even in September.  For whatever reason, it's smoking it that works best, not vaping, edibles, or oils.  I accept that this is a temporary medicine, I don't buy that I will be needing it for more than a period of time, and I am not even feeling bad as a set of lungs.  I try not to overdo it, because it is a toxin, I have consulted a friend who studies it as a career scientist, and she does not think I am doing too much, considering it's therapeutic.  What I am trying to do is break through a barrier in my mind where I feel unsatisfied with my state, and it seems to be coming forward much quicker with THC marijuana.

CBD did not seem like the right medicine, I needed something that worked with my mind a certain way.  There have been times I have felt funny doing it, I don't really feel "high" doing it, but I am feeling long term results.  It's almost like it's "shamanic" medicine to me, and I need to do it.  Life feels more at ease, tasks are easier, and I feel more like my old self again, only wiser.

Also nice is getting back into art again, and marijuana probably had a hand in that as well.  Again, I feel like I will give it up when I no longer need it therapeutically, and I accept that there are toxins involved, but the results seem worth it.  My health is better in other ways, and I think the important thing is that I focus on trying as much as I can, with everything, as often as I can.

I continue to try to do floor exercises more often, daily if possible, sometimes several times a day, because my main exercise was just taking long walks, but I was really starting to feel stiff.  I will be pretty proud if I can keep it up (considering I have 3 placements in Taurus), but it might be easier now that I have lost some weight.

-Saraƒin

New illustration: "Alice, Encountering Aslan..."

 This is actually an old penciled piece that I had never painted, from several years back, long before the pandemic happened.  I had a mystical book club at the Metropolitan United Church, while my friend was still working there as a minister, I had sketched this as a piece I wanted to do just to have art for a Facebook group.  But the club disbanded, became the online Rosary Society, and is now something completely different.  Yesterday, I started working on the paints, and today, I finished it.

This one is kind of obvious - combining "Alice in Wonderland" with "The Chronicles of Narnia" - the theme is about falling down the rabbit hole, searching for the Self, and encountering God.  Alice is the seeker, the candlelight suggests light in the darkness, and Aslan is God.  The reflection of Alice in the mirror is the illusion we carry about ourselves, while the figure of Aslan is the truth within.

It's too bad the frame is poking through this one a bit - still, I am hoping I can sell it sometime, I may ask for $250.00 - acrylics and paint pens on canvas, 11 x 14 ".

-Saraƒin

Improvements in spirit writing...

My spirit writing has come a long way since back when my hand lurched forward, mimed a clicking pen, directing me to start writing, as if moved by the hand of a hidden presence.  It's taken me many years of continually practising spirit writing, whenever I was moved to do so, and what went from scribbles to words are now full sentences and passages, and sometimes illustrations.  While most of what is written is linked to contemplation of unresolved trauma, and insights into my situation, I get the odd thing here and there that is pretty interesting, the kind of thing that sounds like something Edgar Cayce might claim.

Sometimes what I get borders on what sounds like prophecy, which really got strong after I concentrated more on the Holy Trinity.  One message I got was that Sekhmet is really strong in the world right now, now I am getting that in 7 years, Christ is more powerful.  Whether or not you believe in these experiences, it's amazing how rich it all gets, the more I play with it.  This may just be active imagination, but Dr. Jung might argue that this kind of thing is a segue to finer thought.

I will continue to do spirit writing, as a practice for several reasons, and I will wonder about these messages.  I am hoping that maybe I can find a way to make art with some of the spirit illustrations.

-Saraƒin

New illustration: "The Brazen Bull"...

 (I did this one in under a day - I am going to enter it into another art show, see if the curator digs it.)

I got from the subconscious to make this three women on fire, I decided later what I saw in it was a message about how corporations affect the sacred feminine, the three women in it being a goddess reference, the bull being rather like the golden calf, but also the Wall St bull.  The overtones express themes of torture and death, but also exploitation, it suggests what has happened to our world.  (The theme of the next show is shocking art, so I wanted something with a particularly cruel execution method.)

Acrylics and paint pens on canvas - 18 x 24", I'm asking $500.00 for it.  Dark, but I rather like the tone of this one.

-Saraƒin

I sold a painting!

Hooray!

My "Yemaya, Birthing the Waters" piece sold for $300 at the Super Wonder Gallery recently!  Very encouraging for me, this being my second piece to sell at one of their shows, so I must keep submitting more art.  There's another show coming up, and I think I want to do an ancient Greek brazen bull torture device illustration for it, considering the theme of the next show is about shocking things.  I might do some thumb nails, then go look for a canvas - maybe a heavier frame this time.  (I am already sort of picturing what the design should look like.)

I celebrated the Lunar New Year over dumplings with a friend - I keep having visions of a dragon, so I'm hoping it's an omen for a good year, although it's off to a good start with this art sale.  I am not sure what the qualities of Wood Dragon years tend to be, only that Dragon years tend to be very powerful for me, and the last one wasn't very good - 2012, the Water Dragon year, awful by the fall.  Apart from anxiety, which has recently gotten slightly better, and the odd transformative adjustment to the mind while in public (which can trigger anxiety), my psychology feels a lot less shadowed by oddness.  Perhaps it's PTSD that makes things just a bit weird now, where I may be hyper cautious about everything (in order to avoid trouble), and hold great worry that I am just not performing as well as I could, despite how much better things are overall.  Manipura doesn't feel as weak now, for one.

I am trying to commit to a morning exercise routine with some yoga stretches, push ups, and sit ups.  Sometimes, my body feels like it is crying out for a good work out, so I'm hoping that if I can get by the Taurean urge to do absolutely nothing, I might be able to ease that achey feeling, and get more into fitness.  Mostly, I take really long walks around the city at quite a clip, but I'm missing out in other ways, so perhaps that's another NYE resolution to consider for 2024.

I'll see if I can keep at it!

-Saraƒin

New illustration...

I made this fun little thing yesterday, contemplating what a coat of arms would look like for my group of mystics and mystically inclined friends.  We call ourselves "The Order of the Blood of the Lamb" because we sometimes pray over wine with litanies and offerings, and we stick to Catholic and folk spirituality - the name is for fun, really... mostly, we just socialize.

Colours are tricky because they may be tied to something - I used these colours because they suggest the shades of wine.  I am not sure, but maybe someday I'll get this made into a few badges, and give them to my friends as a memento of these years.

Speaking of alcohol, it wasn't exactly a dry January, but I have cut back a lot, kept it strictly to social events, and not even every time I socialized.  I think my angels cut me off with alcohol magick, I am using other techniques more now, especially prayer candles and anointing oils.  Definitely for the best - I was getting to be a bit of a lush, and it may have even creeped up my anxiety.  My consumption is at a much more reasonable level now, I was just a tiny bit worried.

(Alcohol magick is not recommended if you are too into the sauce, but I am convinced something about it worked.)

-Saraƒin