Spiritual updates...

Things are definitely turning a corner.

Often, I feel reactions in my psyche, as though something burdensome is being shed, and what follows is a new normal that is more relaxed.  I chalk it up to the results of my practises with the occult and prayer, and waiting to see things play through.  I keep getting an insight that August might be a special month for me, perhaps a new plateau will be reached, and lately, I'm in far better a state than I felt even in May.

Sometimes I still sense something of Mother Mary coming through, aglow like a Boddhisattva surrounded by rainbows, laughing with me.  The tone has changed from any ugliness to one of release, and a calmer stage of that than ever before.  Gloom is gone, all that remains is some mild confusion sometimes, and a bit of fatigue.

Something recently happened with Jesus, as though I am becoming Him, which is the goal of Christianity. I'm not sure where that leads, but it's interesting what I'm feeling.  One thing for certain is that my mental health feels calmer, and I am not as nervous about my state.  I watch myself with everything I do, and am trying to be modest with my conduct.

It's as though I am still in an "in between" of sorts, but a finer version of that than I have seen before.

-Saraƒin

 

Upcoming art show I'm featured in...

 

My St. Joan piece, and one other, were accepted into this art show.  My first art show in many years, this will be my move towards making a comeback in the local art world.

The admission is $10 - if you are interested, it is at the Super Wonder Gallery in Toronto on the 7th and the 8th of July.  My friend, local poet and artist Clara Blackwood, will also be featured.  The theme is all things Medieval.  

Come support some great local talent!

-Saraƒin

New painting: "The Maid of Orleans"...

Getting back into painting lately as I have, I am going to try submitting some work to a Medieval themed art show that's coming up next month.  So I did this one of St. Joan of Arc, a saint I was already planning on portraying sometime, and I really like how she turned out.  (I did petition St. Joan to help inspire me for this, and I feel something might have helped me to get the tone a certain way, with female empowerment in mind.)

I wanted her to have a face that suggests that time period in art, but with a modern style that is uniquely mine.  These pens are a joy to work with, because finer details are so much easier now.  I have been told I have a strong hand, but thin brushes can still be a pain.

The other pieces I want to submit are my "Immaculate Heart of Mary" and "Anima Sola" pieces, which just need to be framed. 

I am hoping these get in!

-Saraƒin

Meme by a friend...

 I had to share this - a friend made it based on something I said.  (Not all goths hate Jesus!)

-Saraƒin

Results from the spirituality clinic...

I went to the spirituality clinic.  As I suspected, it doesn't seem like they would be equipped to help me with my spiritual care needs, as it seems to be a department that caters more to people who are seeking God (or things of the like at that level), and I am a blossoming kundalite, and they've never even heard of the kundalini.  I don't blame the individual I talked to, they were lovely, I think they'd make a great listener, but I honestly need something in place that will at least help me in dealing with psychiatrists who are not willing to be educated.

I won't shut the door, just in case it amounts to an interesting connection, because who knows what might happen down the line, it seems to be a young department.  I just wonder how they will handle unusual cases, like the occult youth who feels that hostile spirits are talking to them, the person who feels called to a vocation and yet is in question, the person who took too much DMT, it seems like this is not what they cater to.  I find it troubling that they don't offer counselling that tackles the really hard stuff.  I suppose it either comes down to being about the limitations of current mental health funding, or an assumption that this kind of thing simply doesn't happen in Toronto.  Either way, it won't do.

I have decided to see it this way - because I can't find help, and I have come this far out of much greater pain, it means I won't need help, at least not from a therapist.  I am following myself now, and I know when to ask for help, and I will, but I know what I'm doing.  I simply wish to see finer services for those who are not as far along on their journey.  

I may have a weak moment here and there, but much finer days ahead, these will become less and less.

-Saraƒin

Updates...

I have decided to retire from the pursuit of being a psychic for hire.  It is getting clear to me now that my spiritual gifts involve downloads and insights I receive through channel, not so much the best for getting psychic readings for others.  I am not disputing this talent in other people, it simply is not my forte, and I refuse to offer a service that's irrelevant.  I will likely continue with my download videos, at least for now, just for fun, but I am not going to do professional readings anymore.  God doesn't seem to want it anyway, and I had been warned.

My muse returned, and I have recently produced some interesting art, if anyone has been watching on Instagram and TikTok.  Reels got evocative again, and I want to see where they take me, as I explore this format.  I have zero film training, save some video editing classes I had in high school with old technology, but I feel I have a talent with pairing imagery with sound, and I want to explore "pseudo-film" with it.  Not having the mind to do so, or the money, I won't go to film school, but maybe I can know a following from this kind of art.  I am not sure if people get my art - I am often trying to present mystical concepts with common pop and clip art, stuff that is familiar, in a way that reminds us that God is everywhere, waiting for us.  (I find so much of the music that is coming out these days so unlikeable that I often work with the stuff that I like, older or alternative, goth and retro, because much of the hooks in this stuff are evocative of something I am trying to show, this music having finer melody structure.  It is sad what happened to mainstream music, I think it's a sign of change in the Dharma.)

Bad night last night - I guess I do need that endoscopy, because I had a piece of chicken lodged in my esophagus for 3 hours, and I went to an ER but left when it was too packed to possibly be seen in good time.  I finally got relief around midnight, back at home.  This is an inherited condition, where if I don't chew thoroughly enough, I can choke on my meal.  Kinda scary, I must be more mindful when I chew, but sometimes it's hard to remember that if I'm really hungry.

Today I see a person at CAMH at the spirituality clinic, to check them out.  More to come, hope it goes well!

-Saraƒin

My second visit to the Carmelite monastery...

Yesterday, I came back from a brief retreat at the Mount Carmel monastery in Niagara Falls.  Once again, I had an enchanting time, it was well worth all spent, and I definitely (as planned) will be returning with my girlfriends in August, for another brief retreat.

I stayed two nights, my time was spent in contemplation and prayer, both with the St. Therese relic, as well as prayers to the land with offerings of tobacco, especially in front of the Mary statue in the graveyard, which came to be one of my favourite places to take in the atmosphere.  I went to mass on the Tuesday, but mostly I was on my own, other than for mealtime, when we'd gather in the dining hall.  I go to these sacred places, wanting to feel God's presence more richly than I can in the big city, and on this property, which is very close to the falls, I feel both Mother and Father very powerfully.

I left feeling refreshed, even though it was just two nights, knowing I had done good work on myself, just being away to ground and reflect.  I got the insight that Mount Carmel, and places like it, are better "hospitals" for me (if I am to call them that, a place of healing) than CAMH could ever be, because my conflict has been of the spirit, something CAMH teaches me to ignore.  It is lovely to be around likeminded people, even if they wouldn't fully understand my situation.  I only wish I could do spiritual retreats more often, but of course funds are tight, being on ODSP and working part time.

Rome looks to not be in the cards for this year, but is still a goal for down the road.  It was just too awkward a start for the year, and now I need to watch my money, because of the time I had to take off work.  I return to work soon, refreshed from all I have done for myself, taking time off.

-Saraƒin