Thursday, 19 January 2023

Not sure where to go (when I need help)...

(Not a crisis post, just a frustration.)

I think I have decided again that I should avoid the hospital, because until CAMH recognizes my traumas with the entity, I simply cannot trust their approach.  They will forever, at this point, want to see what I went through as something that came of psychosis, rather than "psychosis" emerging from an occult trauma.  Until this changes, any care will most certainly be problematic.  

Sometimes a doctor will say something silly like "if you want me to call it a spiritual problem, I will", but until my file is changed, it means nothing, and they might as well offer me a lollipop, because I don't care.  I know all the coercive techniques psychiatry uses, and they are all designed to get me to comply, they have very little to do with true understanding or compassion - I get that in my analyst's care, but I can't see him all the time.  I think part of the problem is that most doctors, as much as they probably think they know who they are, are not invested in a deeper understanding of themselves, for that would require a worldly pursuit that most simply cannot commit to with their careers in mind.  So, not to say this about all psychiatrists, but most at least, are not true examples of the wounded healer, and simply cannot see this case for what it is.  (I wish I had a psychologist, that might be interesting, depending on who I might get.)

I also considered the Gerstein Centre, even though I don't much care for it, but thinking things over, in hospital or at a crisis centre, I wouldn't have access to smudge or marijuana to calm my nerves, I just would sit around and wait to go.  Jesus, what a conundrum!

Really, it would be nice if there was a spiritual care centre, where people could drop by, -or- inpatient care with the soul in mind.  We are not yet there as a society as some are, I have no idea why this part of the world is so stubborn with progressive ideas like positive voice hearing, it's a real chore for those of us who know who we are to deal with these stubborn egos in charge.  My ego is fine, my subconscious is what is in pain from what it's been exposed to, and so my ego is irritated by it.  I am sure my chart is a complete disaster at this point, with very little insight.

So, I think I am going to stay in, and have decided to talk to my employer about, on occasion, taking a week off here and there, to avoid a crisis.  Things are simply very stressful right now, I have to preserve my mental health, and the hospital is no place for me at this point.


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