Monday, 16 January 2023

Better day today...

Sorry about my last post - because sometimes my pain gets the better of me, I often overanalyze my situation and conclude it is a helpless one.  I hadn't slept in 24 hours, and was irritated out of my mind, so I began to overthink my problems, and considered MAiD seriously for a good part of the day... I can't say I expect to revisit this idea in 10 years.  I simply must press on.

I did some smudging today with good old white sage and prayers to a friendly spirit I felt might be nearby, and got relaxing feelings throughout my aura.  It's as though my condition blinds me to some clearer truths, so self diagnosis and healing is tricky without clearer sight.  Sight has moments where it's quite clear, but I have days that are tough.  This is what worries me, if I will give out, if I can't cure myself.

I do think I will check into CAMH for a little bit, just to break things up.  I am not in crisis, and I am not sure if they will take me in, but I just don't want to be alone right now.  A backup might be the Gerstein Centre if CAMH doesn't have a bed, but I do want to try again and tackle my file with them, because I really need these old ideas of my character to die.  I want to emphasize that I think I have autism and trauma, and that they should know about that.  One thing I have planned soon is an appointment with my GP to discuss this, but maybe someone will listen if I have a brief stay.  (I don't even imagine I need more than a few days.)  My employer has given me a bit of time off to bounce back, which was greatly needed, I feel, since after punching out from my last shift I crumpled to the floor and sobbed because of how I feel throughout my body.

Again, I am on top of blood tests and things like that - this is the soul in pain.  I wish I could afford a shaman!  DIY, as usual, I guess.


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